I often hear Transgender folks talk about life from both sides of the gender divide. I have even spoken of this before. Although I do agree we are blessed to see life from both sides, I don't think it's accurate to state it in those terms anymore.
Granted society did gender me male when I was born. Yes, I did do things that boys and men did as I grew up. But was I male? My thought process was vastly different than the other males around me.
Being around these males did give me insight into how they acted and thought. For me, it was sorta a research project. A way to blend in and survive in a world I truly didn't understand. I didn't think and naturally act the way they did.
For an example, when playing baseball, I would hear the guys talking about some girl in the stands and how they wanted to be with her. All I was thinking was I wanted to be her. At my high school football games, I wanted to be one of the cheerleaders, while the guys around me were talking about being the quarterback or the running back, so that way they would get those cheerleaders.
You see, even though I was assigned male at birth that wasn't my true gender. It never was someone that could truly say I was that gender?
Now I am who I truly am. I do experience so much of what women go through. The same everyday struggles. just trying to get through life, but I didn't experience so much that girls have had to go through. I never, as much as I always wanted to experience the first period and wonder what was going on. Never did I have to worry if I was going to experience the humiliation of bleeding through a tampon or pad and everyone knowing I was having my period. I never had to worry about some boy coming up behind me on the first day wearing a bra and snap it.
I did have female friends and I always was more comfortable talking with them. I always related to them more than my male friends. Their thought processes were never foreign to me. I had a much better understanding of the women than they ever realized.
I have never had to worry about getting pregnant or been through childbirth. experiences most women go through. All the things girls go through during their puberty, learning makeup from their friends. Never was there, you can't do that because you're a girl. So I ask, can I see life from both sides if the gender divide? My answer now is Yes and no..!
Joni Mitchell recorded a song a while back now, call Both Sides Now. I have found some of the lyrics very apropos to some of what I'm talking about here. they are as follows....
But now old friends they're acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day.
we have all chosen to live. To live our true lives for our happiness. I have come to realize that I am female but I different than most women. I am unique, I am uniquely me. I am happy to be authentic to myself and being honest to the world. As much as I would like to fit into the box society wants me to fit in, I don't and I think we are a special breed that has the ability to have empathy for both genders.
I can really identify with your feelings when you were growing up. I had a lot of those same feelings. It all sounds very familiar to me.
I think having been born 'male' with a female brain, having really low t most of my life, and being socialized male I have a fairly unique perspective.
As a child I was confused to say the least. My brain identified one way but society said something different. So I withdrew and took the easy way out. If you don't spend time with people you don't have to deal with gender stereotypes.
At puberty I knew something wasn't right. I tried to be gay... it sorta worked. But, there was something missing. I tried to fit in the male box. It lasted for 14 years, I have kids, I'm a Dad... but I was miserable. I transitioned. I don't really want guys anymore so now I suppose I'm lesbian. I look like a woman, I think like a woman. I don't have periods or need to worry about getting pregnant but that's ok.
So I'm both in a way, but thats also ok. I'm me I like being me, and at the end of the day isn't that all that matters?