So l just recently was perusing the Most Recent Unread Topics and l was struck by the plethora of posts on passing, dressing, make-up and a variety of seemingly superficial topics from how/where to pee to whether pantihose are superior to stockings, or how to break our "terrible secret" to those important people in our lives.
While these topics might appear to be supsuperficial to me, l am sure they are vitally important to others. My reason from bringing this up is that these are all rather near term types of issues. Kind of like not seeing the forest for the trees. I mean where are we going with these?
I ask this alot. What is the end game? What is the plan for 5 years, 10, 20 years down the road? Then....The real question. How do you plan to get there? I have always believed to get somewhere, especially somewhere l've never been, a good, well thought out plan is crucial. I have never been a big fan of trial and error, or 'if it feels good, do it'
Step by step plans are tough to post as everyone has a different end state of transition, and range of means to get there. I am huge on planning and timing things, but a lot of it is fluid as my priorities change and my focus shifts based on the curve balls of life. There are quite a few plans floating around, although they aren't tagged very easily.
Quote from: Harley Quinn on October 17, 2018, 09:56:21 PM
Step by step plans are tough to post as everyone has a different end state of transition, and range of means to get there. I am huge on planning and timing things, but a lot of it is fluid as my priorities change and my focus shifts based on the curve balls of life. There are quite a few plans floating around, although they aren't tagged very easily.
Excellent point. We are all different, with different priorities, needs and wants.Nevertheless, l will continue to believe that a fluidity of priorities and a shifting focus makes it extremely difficult to get where you want or need to go. On the otherhand, l suppose dealing with curve balls might be fun....for a while, maybe.
I still drop in to the forum from time to time and the topic of passing seems to be one big issue. Running a foundation in Thailand to help tgs mtf I am aware of the west focusing so much on passing. Some of us will never pass on purely looks and should be accepted before transitioning or suffer continually when you are called out. However, more than 50 pct of passing is not the looks but how you walk, talk and behave. Work on these. Or plan to move to a country where no one care if you pass. Just be confident and natural.
Only options a.) Accept never passing and be seen as trans forever, or b.) Move to Thailand where a third sex is "accepted "? Hmmm...l am not so sure the third option is so easily attained by simply addressing how one "walks, talks and behaves".
Not that this is a test, but l am still not convinced this is the way to go. Nevertheless, thank you for at least making a valid suggestion to a difficult conundrum.
I guess the long term goal is to be happy in our own skin and live our lives to the fullest possible instead of just existing.
You have to identify what will make that possible and do all those little(but sometimes quite hard) things to get there. People without trans* issues can spend their lifetimes chasing happiness and that can be even harder to find in our case.
I've been planning my life for sixty years. I let others determine my destiny
And ended up waiting and waiting. So now I take it one day at a time. So far each day has been beautiful.
Sent from my Moto G (5) Plus using Tapatalk
Quote from: DawnOday on October 18, 2018, 02:17:23 PM
I've been planning my life for sixty years. I let others determine my destiny
And ended up waiting and waiting. So now I take it one day at a time. So far each day has been beautiful.
Sent from my Moto G (5) Plus using Tapatalk
I am really glad each day is beautiful for you. This part though, seems like a contradiction.
"I've been planning my life for sixty years. I let others determine my destiny. "
If you have been planning your life then how is it, others are in control?
Is that not the goal? To control one's own destiny?
Well, I had plans of a long transition... then things became available. So it's going faster... I was approved for surgeries out of order, so rather than waiting I took them earlier than outlined on my master plan... long term transition of what I figured would be 8 years turned into 3. Thus the fluidity and curveballs. Beyond that, the plan is to continue with school and work. Enjoy my days and prepare to retire.
What's the song lyric? Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans? Lot of truth to that. I would have never dreamed I'd be considering transition a few years ago. I don't know why I wouldn't have dreamed it given my life history though. Guess I thought I had made my peace with it. Ha! And they say God doesn't have a sense of humor. You have to have plans for the future, but be prepared to scrap them and re-plan as needed as circumstances change. How many plans have been wrecked because of a cancer diagnosis or a spouse deciding they're not in love anymore?
But big picture, everybody wants to be as healthy as they can as long as they can, avoid poverty, be close to family/friends, not have to deal with horrible things happening to those dear to you. If you can check those off, you have a pretty good start on being happy. A lot of those are luck, and it's just a start. For trans people, we have to learn to live authentically, however that turns out. That is a complication cis people don't have. But everybody finds complications of their own I guess.
Once I realized that I was for sure trans, I had only one long-term goal: to fully transition within five years. I am on track to do just that, but I don't map out each step along the way. There is a lot of "going with the flow" and "hurry up and wait" on this journey. At each step, I have assessed where I was and what had to happen next. I haven't given myself deadlines, but I have resolved not to waste any time.
I have had very few voluntary breaks in the process. After starting HRT, I waited three months before going full-time. That was so that I would have some visible feminization when I came out publicly. And I waited five months before requesting to get into the queue for surgery, just to make sure that the step felt right for me. In some cases, I have skipped the waiting lists by paying my own way.
My long-term goal has never changed. I have taken time to check in with myself and see if the goal has remained appropriate. It has.
I knew what I wanted, I knew when I wanted it, and I intend to continue until the process is complete.
Quote from: Complete on October 17, 2018, 09:47:41 PM
So l just recently was perusing the Most Recent Unread Topics and l was struck by the plethora of posts on passing, dressing, make-up and a variety of seemingly superficial topics from how/where to pee to whether pantihose are superior to stockings, or how to break our "terrible secret" to those important people in our lives.
While these topics might appear to be supsuperficial to me, l am sure they are vitally important to others. My reason from bringing this up is that these are all rather near term types of issues. Kind of like not seeing the forest for the trees. I mean where are we going with these?
I ask this alot. What is the end game? What is the plan for 5 years, 10, 20 years down the road? Then....The real question. How do you plan to get there? I have always believed to get somewhere, especially somewhere l've never been, a good, well thought out plan is crucial. I have never been a big fan of trial and error, or 'if it feels good, do it'
I really like this question and it is very important. I do not believe that it is wise to make huge life decisions without a plan and certainly transitioning is one of those.
I've made most of my money in management and certainly planning is important when managing team(s). I've applied most of those same principles to how I manage my life. I make SMART goals. I'm sure that there are others out there, but this works for me.
S Specific - What am I trying to do and how?
M Measurable - Can I track progress? Can I make milestones along the way?
A Attainable - Can it be done? Of course it can right!
R Relevant - Do I need to do it?
T Timely - When do I need this done?
The nice thing about SMART goals is that someone can use it at each stage and keep using it until the plan is complete. S can have it's own list of separate SMART goals. I like the, what I call the "Trinity of Transition" example. For many people these three concern matter greater than anything else other than finding a doctor to begin the transition process.
Step 1. Financing the transition
Step 2: Coming out to family
Step 3: Coming out to friends
One of the great things about this website is that there are experienced people who will give help. All someone has to do is ask.
Quote from: Complete on October 17, 2018, 09:47:41 PM
So l just recently was perusing the Most Recent Unread Topics and l was struck by the plethora of posts on passing, dressing, make-up and a variety of seemingly superficial topics from how/where to pee to whether pantihose are superior to stockings, or how to break our "terrible secret" to those important people in our lives.
While these topics might appear to be supsuperficial to me, l am sure they are vitally important to others. My reason from bringing this up is that these are all rather near term types of issues. Kind of like not seeing the forest for the trees. I mean where are we going with these?
I ask this alot. What is the end game? What is the plan for 5 years, 10, 20 years down the road? Then....The real question. How do you plan to get there? I have always believed to get somewhere, especially somewhere l've never been, a good, well thought out plan is crucial. I have never been a big fan of trial and error, or 'if it feels good, do it'
Complete, I must say this topic stopped me in my tracks. I have not been posting much recently. There are so many topics that no longer apply to me. You can read below where I am in my transition. I see this site as vital for people who are just figuring themselves out, are learning about transition, or trying to deal with not transitioning. That is great, and very worthwhile. I have felt for a long time, a need to fill the lack of information on the last 10% or so of transition. (A rough way to describe it.) I think there is a cycle of no topics for later stage transition, so later stage transitioners don't hang around to post. I have always, through everything I have been through, wanted to hear what life is like at the later stages of transition (if it ever ends.) I know your path as well as a few others on here have been very very different from mine. I actually love that that perspective is here. Isn't it worthwhile to be able to read other's stories of mental assimilation into the world as someone done with most of the transition hurdles(like the surgeries, coming out, etc.?) Thank you for this type of topic!
I am done with coming out, surgeries, legal crap, all of it. I am working on a few physical things like my skin quality and voice quality. My journey and my plan is to live my life with each day changing myself through experience just a bit. I want two things. One, I want to live each day a little less concerned about personal transgender issues. Two, I want to experience each day as a woman to the greatest extent possible. Be it the positives or the negatives, I want my old self to fade to become foreign and my new self to be all that seems normal. At my age, I have given up the turbulence of fretting about being trans versus mourning never being a cis woman. I don't care any more. I want my time to be spent out in the world as my version of the woman I am now. I am living now, I am me now, not 'interim me,' 'me.' At this point all my evolving will be through experiencing life.
Oh, why visit a transgender site if all the above is true? Well, I would like to tell those who are struggling that just maybe, their futures might hold amazing things of being their true selves. A friend once offered that vision to me here. I was extremely grateful.
I've used other online forums and when the need ended I quit visiting. I believe it to be very common and is both a good and bad thing.
The good is that when the help is needed places like this do exist to get people where they want/need to be.
The bad is that they move on. But, it can also be a good thing. When people move on that means that they have completed what they came for and have started to live their lives. Hopefully their lives are fuller and better than ever before.
I know that before I joined here I browsed and learned so much that my endocrinologist was actually surprised and thanked me for it. That's right, he thanked me for taking the time to educate myself. There is a plethora of great information on this site that covers every stage of transitioning.
What's the term, "Pay it forward?" Others helped me, I should help those coming behind me. Moving on is okay if that is the choice. If everyone did, this site would be lacking.
Quote from: HappyMoni on October 18, 2018, 06:29:32 PM
What's the term, "Pay it forward?" Others helped me, I should help those coming behind me. Moving on is okay if that is the choice. If everyone did, this site would be lacking.
@HappyMoni
And the support of those who came before us is always appreciated! Susan's Place would be nothing without wisdom.
Sonja.
Quote from: Complete on October 17, 2018, 09:47:41 PM
So l just recently was perusing the Most Recent Unread Topics and l was struck by the plethora of posts on passing, dressing, make-up and a variety of seemingly superficial topics from how/where to pee to whether pantihose are superior to stockings, or how to break our "terrible secret" to those important people in our lives.
Well those thing tend to get old pretty fast once one is full time ...
But to integrate well one does need to learn things we don't know... You transitioned young... but many/most of us did not and so never learned 'style', be in clothes makeup or hair as well as age appropriateness... And then there is the different set social skills and expectations one needs to learn to deal with.
When one is say 40 years old or beyond, all that can be really hard and scary to deal with at once.
Quote
What is the end game? What is the plan for 5 years, 10, 20 years down the road? Then....The real question. How do you plan to get there?
I grew up in chaos where planning anything was futile, so I learned to deal with things as the occurred in a way to ensure survival... which is how I have lived my life.
I agree it's not the best way to get to a specific goal, or to thrive ... but being good at that is a way to survive just about anything that gets thrown at you.
I knew going in that because of factors I could not control, the increasing T* awareness of society, and a relationship i would not voluntarily give up, I would likely not be able to survive if my life depended on being stealth...
My approach was to do as much as I thought I could to be passable (may not have been right about that) and went on with my life as it was in place, just not talking about being TS with new people.
I transitioned 21 years ago and had SRS 20 years ago and lost little with transition, though perhaps I did not gain as much as I could have.
- karen
Wow! Such a diversity of perspective! These answers are just what l was hoping for. Yes! Susan's provides a place for beginners and questioners to explore ideas, and for those further along to learn from the experiences, of others, (both good and bad).
I come here to help where l can and as a pleasant side effect, I learn from others.
I think there have been some excellent thoughts expressed here and l want to thank you all for taking the time to contribute. I guess my thoughts are that focus on your ultimate goal. Stay focused. Understand that goal, and as was stated above why you need to get there.Then...find the best way to get there.
I was told once, long ago that the key to success was not money or education or "privilege",although these certainly help. The KEY is focus and determination.
Once you know where you're going, and WHY you need to get there, then just make the best plan you can,v (adjust as necessary ) and then simply DON'T STOP until you get there.
Personally, l went through some serious s**t to get through to where l am now. Nevertheless l can tell you allx unequivocally, that it was worth every hellish minute.
I think that making a goal, focusing on it, and using determination to get there is extremely important. Especially if you are just starting, not getting support, having a great deal to get through, or having financial issues. Making a plan while you are in a tough spot is a life saver. It makes your actions less destructive, less unproductive, and less seemingly hopeless. I guess, I would want to add that it is good to be mindful of going through the transition experience as well. Yes, I was a wreck with going through many times in my transition, dysphoria is a freaking cruel companion. There were times though when the journey was pretty amazing. The progress, the 'firsts', the camaraderie on here going through my GCS, all of these things are dear to my heart. I think what I am saying is making a plan is so smart, but take notice of some of the cool stuff happening along the way also. And I agree, don't stop until you get there.
Moni
I haven't been to Susan's for a while but this afternoon I logged on again and perhaps this question is why. For me transition is essentially complete. I live a full and interesting life. I've travelled, including trekking in Peru just a couple of weeks ago; dated both men and women; continued on in my career; and am now preparing to retire and live on the road full time. There is no question about my gender or my life. I am a woman. Who I disclose to and when I do so are on my terms and under my control. It is not that I am uncomfortable being trans, it is simply that being transgender is not my raison d'etre anymore and there is so much that I want to do with the time I have remaining in my life that to dwell on what might have been or how things ought to be would be both sad and wasteful.
This became my reality a couple of years post GCS and I have not had any other surgery, at least not yet. Because I see myself as feminine and because my body is within the typical bounds of womanhood, I am perceived and I blend into the world just fine. Living authentically and openly is the opportunity and pilgrimage of a lifetime. The cost is extraordinary but not excessive. It was worse living a persona and hiding the person. Waking every day to the certain knowledge that today would be the same colorless void of yesterday and that tomorrow will be the same colorless despair. To walk the path of change is the greatest privilege of my life and the winds have been gentle for some time now.
All journeys that matter, are pilgrimages to oneself - beginning and ending deep within our own spirit. To discover what is real and what is good about who I am, is to transcend all that has gone on before and to become illuminated in sunlight. This is the path that I will follow for as long as I am able. In fifteen months I will walk out of the Science Center where I work and go to New Zealand. I have been there before but this trip will be less hurried and in the company of a friend who lives outside of Christchurch. Trish and I will ride and walk along the Tasman Sea and experience something of the magic of a place that is home to gentle people and eternal beauty
From New Zealand I will cross over to Sydney and spend a while with one of the wisest people I know. I met Aisla on these forums and the time I have spent with her is instructive and loving. Eventually I will return to the States and prepare for the journey east. Africa, Nepal, India, Cambodia and Indonesia are all in the plan. Both to experience what is offered and to seek spiritual growth.
Then, if I am able, I will spend a year in Italy and Greece, studying art and language in the land of Da Vinci, Cicero and Plato. Before, during, and after I will write. In some ways I am completing the path that my Mother began several decades ago. I have her notes and I have my ideas. There are three books I have outlined and others I have considered. I doesn't much matter if they are published. It is in the creation of art as in the the realization of authenticity that transcendence and illumination are to be found.
Namaste,
Julie
Quote from: JB_Girl on October 21, 2018, 07:45:16 PM
I haven't been to Susan's for a while but this afternoon I logged on again and perhaps this question is why. For me transition is essentially complete. I live a full and interesting life. I've travelled, including trekking in Peru just a couple of weeks ago; dated both men and women; continued on in my career; and am now preparing to retire and live on the road full time. There is no question about my gender or my life. I am a woman. Who I disclose to and when I do so are on my terms and under my control. It is not that I am uncomfortable being trans, it is simply that being transgender is not my raison d'etre anymore and there is so much that I want to do with the time I have remaining in my life that to dwell on what might have been or how things ought to be would be both sad and wasteful.
This became my reality a couple of years post GCS and I have not had any other surgery, at least not yet. Because I see myself as feminine and because my body is within the typical bounds of womanhood, I am perceived and I blend into the world just fine. Living authentically and openly is the opportunity and pilgrimage of a lifetime. The cost is extraordinary but not excessive. It was worse living a persona and hiding the person. Waking every day to the certain knowledge that today would be the same colorless void of yesterday and that tomorrow will be the same colorless despair. To walk the path of change is the greatest privilege of my life and the winds have been gentle for some time now.
All journeys that matter, are pilgrimages to oneself - beginning and ending deep within our own spirit. To discover what is real and what is good about who I am, is to transcend all that has gone on before and to become illuminated in sunlight. This is the path that I will follow for as long as I am able. In fifteen months I will walk out of the Science Center where I work and go to New Zealand. I have been there before but this trip will be less hurried and in the company of a friend who lives outside of Christchurch. Trish and I will ride and walk along the Tasman Sea and experience something of the magic of a place that is home to gentle people and eternal beauty
From New Zealand I will cross over to Sydney and spend a while with one of the wisest people I know. I met Aisla on these forums and the time I have spent with her is instructive and loving. Eventually I will return to the States and prepare for the journey east. Africa, Nepal, India, Cambodia and Indonesia are all in the plan. Both to experience what is offered and to seek spiritual growth.
Then, if I am able, I will spend a year in Italy and Greece, studying art and language in the land of Da Vinci, Cicero and Plato. Before, during, and after I will write. In some ways I am completing the path that my Mother began several decades ago. I have her notes and I have my ideas. There are three books I have outlined and others I have considered. I doesn't much matter if they are published. It is in the creation of art as in the the realization of authenticity that transcendence and illumination are to be found.
Namaste,
Julie
Wow! Nicely said. Thank you for taking the time to share.
You're Welcome,
I'm glad that you enjoyed my thoughts. The point is to be as fully alive as you have the energy to be. But I think that you get that. ;)
J