Everybody and their dog uses this space to write about their transition. I want to also write something, but I don't know whether I can call this a transition or what else?
It seems that i was born intersex or at least as something like intersex. My parents are long gone and any records that would say anything about it I know that my parents hoped that I would be a girl to replace an older sister that died a few w years before my birth because of a tragic WWII event.
Anyway, as long as I can remember, everybody said that I was a carbon copy of this sister in looks, mannerism and behavior.
I don't know if it is of importance to mention that my Jewish mother was interned in a concentration camp between the death of my sister and my birth. She was lucky that my paternal grandfather could "buy" her release. I assume that she was not treated very well during this time, and her nutrition was not very good either, but she never talked about it.
During the first years I can remember, I played a lot with the toys of my sister, and the two of us did lot of roll plays.
I think I grew up a little on the girlish side, partially because I was supposed to be a girl. This changed when I had to start school, there were only girls and boys. And I was not the strongest of them, but nobody dared to bully me because my three older cousins who were the strongest kids around acted as my body guards. If they discovered or found out that some kid tried to do me wrong, this kid was minced meat!
As one can see, I grew up well protected and had a pretty happy childhood. There was no need for dysphoria of any kind, because through the strength of my cousins I was the king of the hill, a little wimpy looking but still the king!
I think that I got the first bouts of dysphoria at the beginning of puberty when us guys compared the growth of pubic hair, the size of our penises, and the hair under our arms! Well, I lost out in every one of those important competitions!
Later when muscles and chest hair became part of being manly, I was beaten to the dead end, because I had not singel hair on my chest (none on my legs or arms either, jut some blond fuzz that is still my only hair on my limbs), and my skin stayed very soft. I was over 30 years old when I was able to grow something resembling a little goatee type beard' I still have not a strong growing beard.
But shortly thereafter, my time came! I could talk ever so sweet to the ladies, I could follow their emotions as if they were my own, and my body felt so wonderful soft and cuddly, and I always made sure that the experienced their sexual pleasure before I did.
I met my wife and we had a very good marriage and received one son, Even though we did not use any birth control
measures, we were not able to get another child in the 30 years we were together!
Everything was great until about some time 17 years ago, I lost my ability to sexually perform over the course of about one week. Nothing worked, I could not get an erection anymore. T
This in combination with some nagging chronic pain I had at that time made me super angry, and I turned into a raging maniac. This behavior basically destroyed our marriage, and my wife left me about a year later.
After a lot of counselling, i started to realize what I had done (and the pain was gone, too) and I turned back into a normal behaving human being. But I was not interested anymore in any sex or intimate relation with anybody. During that time I had my first thoughts who great it would be, to be a woman. This desire grew stronger and stronger over the time. About 4 or 5 years ago I started to study up on the entire gender thing, and found transitioning very Intriguing.
About three years ago my body decided to grow breasts. I first thought they were the typical men boobs, but I was not overweight, and should not have slowly growing breasts. It was not until last year that I discovered that manipulating those breasts would give me a pleasure feeling in my genital area, not in the penis, but more at the root of it. That was the proof for me that i was growing girls boobs, because all the nerve connections were there! A bout the same time I felt an unbelievable urge, like coming from inside my chest that I want to be a woman. Not for the outside world, but just for myself. I did not and still don't care whether the word sees a female in me, as long as I can see this female, everything is OK for me!
I was pretty confused and started to get in contact with local LGBTQ groups, etc, and they stirred me to this psychologist who is specialist on those issues.
After wo sessions this knowledgeable woman came to the conclusion that I was absolutely androgynous and very likely from birth on way more female than male. She feels that because of this condition, I was lesbian all my life and still are. And that my loss of sexual performance about 17 years ago was actually my menopause (or the one of the girl that hides inside my body). She also thinks that I never finished puberty, which seems not to e very uncommon in biological systems like mine, and that my sudden breast growth indicates that my puberty is coming to its end now.
As an interesting side line herewith is the fact that a genome analysis was done with my genes (I am a test ember for the mapping of the human gene pol) comes with some gene combination to the conclusion that the genes of the test subject (that is me) are typical for those of a post menopausal female. I think that puzzle piece fits nice into my life. i am now trying to convince my health insurance to do a specific gene analysis to find out, what type of gender or gender combination I am.
For the case that I was female most of my life, just very well hidden in a male type body, I am actually not a trans woman, but just a very good cross dresser FtM? Or what am I ? That is the reason that I put a question mark with gender.
Anyway, Currently I consider myself as a lesbian trans, wo has nice little breasts without being on hormones. I have an appointment with the endo specialist in the first week of January next year. That is how busy those people are around here. I will check with Planned Parenthood to see if I can get in sooner. I want to get the transition going as fast as I can, because that girl inside me is driving me nuts trying to come out. She was locked away for so many years, she wants to have a chance now, too!
I don't know whether my situation is worse or better than that of "normal" trans people, bcause I do not only have the mental desire to become a woman, but my biology is working on it like hell, too. My genitalia has kind of said good bye for quite a while now. I had one functional testicle to start with, but even that has now the size of about a hazelnut.
I have one advantage over you normal trans girls, I have not to shave a single hair on my body, arms or legs. I do not have an Adams Apple, and I did not get a male type chin or lower jaw. I have no receding hairline or bald spots. Once my hair grows out, I don't need a wig. I have a relatively light beard growth, which is very good, because the thought of all that pain to get those hairs removed almost wants me to remain to be a man, or be a woman with a scraggly full beard! I am still that girly wimp and cry baby!
Because everybody here is so exited to wear female clothing (I am actually not, I plan to wear guys stuf as long as I can hide my girls under it), I wanted to try it out. I bought a bra at Walmart, and Aldi had female leggings on sale. I bought a pair of those, and I know now that size L fits me pretty well (I am 6" tall). I have to say that I think wearing a bra is a pain on the neck, and I plan to do as much exercises with my pectoralis muscles as I can to keep my breasts from sagging and free of a bra!
I could not find any shoes for test fitting, because Walmart has nothing larger than size 11.
That's it for the moment from the man who might be a woman but has no clue what he really is.
The only thing I know for sure is that I want to be a woman real bad and I want that this woman has something looking like a vagina. Because of the fact that I am very strongly lesbian, I don't nee any cavity down there. And once my little excuse for a penis is gone, I hope that I never ever have to see a penis again!
Once I have more news about me developing into a full woman, I plan to continue here.
I can't help you to guess "what" you are. Other than to satisfy your obvious curiosity, it probably doesn't matter. Your health care providers, including your gender therapist, will see to your proper treatment no matter what you are.
Genetic testing may or may not show up anything. There are several genetic variations that may account for your symptoms, but most gender-related features are controlled by hormones, not genes, so it could be entirely hormonal. Not all intersex conditions show up in genetic testing.
It sounds like you are of a similar age to me. Many in our generation were exposed to DES, a synthetic estrogen, in our mothers' wombs. DES is associated with trans-female offspring. In addition to affecting our perceived gender identity, it also had other feminizing effects on our bodies.
I, too, had almost no body hair prior to starting HRT. I think I had maybe 20 chest hairs! My pubic hair was in the female pattern. In fact, when I read about male pattern and female pattern pubic hair, I had to look up what the male pattern was, because I only knew my own and that of my female partners, which were the same. (Yes, I had looked at porn, but I wasn't paying attention to the guys! ;) )
You may have some unique issues with the apparent late puberty, but you clearly belong here with the rest of us trans folks.
Thank you for your comments. It seems as if we prefer the same kind of porn, actually, if I look at porn, I try to find lesbian porn only. Most hetero porn shows the woman to give the guy head, and I cannot stand that. I don't even want to see it. How can anybody in her right mind take that thing into her mouth? Yuk!
I now had to look up male pattern pubic hair (because I am the only male, or something of a male, whose pubic hair do I know.) I definitely have not a single hair trying to crawl up to my belly button, every hair stays down there, were it belongs, I have hardly any hair outside my direct pubic area.
And I had and have not had a single hair on my chest. You with your 20 hairs there are a very hairy person compared to me! Nature must have decided not to waste any of my energy into hair growth, but rather put it on my belly in the form of some extra fat. That is what I have to fight constantly.
I am a type II diabetic, and belly fat is not really good for me, hence my fight with it. I hope that some of that fat moves to my rear end once I am on estrogen.
When I tried these female leggings on last night, I found that the seat area was kind of empty in them. I used to run a lot, and now I do quite some walking, and I was always proud of my muscular rear end being as lean as can be!
Now I am sitting here looking at the pillows I have that I could stuff into the pants to get that female look of my butt!
double posting, mods, please remove this
Well, to continue a little more, I am now pretty sure that I am a person with Klinefelter Syndrome ( just one more confirmation test has to be done), that means my Karyotype is XXY, and I am partly female and partly male AMAB. That enplanes pretty much why my body never developed secondary male sex characteristics, and why I have that girlish look.
I definitely want to be a woman, and that girlish look will help greatly with it. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist tomorrow morning, and want to see how fast I can start HRT. I really want to get the entire process rolling because I want to have bottom surgery, too. Because of my age I do not want to wait to long for this, and I have to see how I can speed everything up little.
My psychologist wants me to war female clothing at home as much as possible, and also wants me to go shopping in the female clothing sections of department stores to overcome the anxiety of being a male shopping for female underwear!
I did some dressing femle last night (I bought a cheap wig until my natural hair is long enough). As you can see, my breasts still need to do some growing, but they are like this already without a single hormone taken. I can't wait to see, how estrogen will influence the growth.
What do you think about that old girl in the picture (the dog is also a girl, but not that old)
And now I have to figure out how to upload a picture into this piece!
I have to see if I can link Amazon Photo to this one!
https://www.amazon.com/photos/all/gallery/OBANXMfZQhSG1swvcp_TcA?messageAcntMismatch=true&pageIndex=0
I'm slowly understanding your situation a bit better. It's always interesting hearing about other people's stories. But to be honest, I thought being intersex is something that's tested for and not necessarily just "growing breasts" or "no body hair". Those are great things and I don't doubt that you are intersex. I just don't understand why people tend to hold on to that identity while actually transitioning genders.
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Quote from: Allison S on November 01, 2018, 09:37:35 PM
I'm slowly understanding your situation a bit better. It's always interesting hearing about other people's stories. But to be honest, I thought being intersex is something that's tested for and not necessarily just "growing breasts" or "no body hair". Those are great things and I don't doubt that you are intersex. I just don't understand why people tend to hold on to that identity while actually transitioning genders.
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Those features are an initial give away. I was tested and have the Karyotype XXY (Klinefelter Syndrome).
When my Endo saw me, he said immediately you have Klinefelter, and that was without testing!
I don't hold onto that intersex condition, but i can't hange it, because it is part of my body's biology. This condition actually makes it way easier to become a woman, because most features are already in place. Actually, the only thing making me different to a cis woman are the private parts. Once my testes are one, my body would continue to feminize itself even more. It just would go very slow, because not enough estrogen would be produced to do anything speedy.
I asked the question before, am I really trans or am I jut undergoing a biological changing process, because I don't really change from a full cis type male to a female?
It is a different process in our brain, because we do not have the same feelings about our body as the "normal" trans person has. I had never any real dysphoria for any of my body parts, my dysphoria was more geared toward the fact that I was to be a male, but never could compete and hold up with the gender I was supposed to be. I always was different than the gender role I was supposed to meet, but I could not meet the female gender role either, because I had the male genitalia, and a bread growth (not much, but enough to be recognized).
Again, why do we hang on to that role? Because we cannot get out of it, we can think as much female as we want to, we are biologically still half/half!