Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello everyone!
I thought I would join the group of ladies sharing their journey. I will make this first post brief, and then give a fuller history of my life and how it led me on the quest to find the real Lacy!

I have spent my entire life trying to find myself, and I am realizing that every goal I reach is never the end of that journey, but merely a new trail head for another leg of life! Each new trail presents a fresh set of challenges, feelings of nervousness and excitement of what's to come.

I took my first dose of Spiro this morning and placed my Estrogen patch. I am looking forward to everything that is ahead of me. I know there will be boulders to climb and bouts of discouragement, but I keep reminding myself that Lacy deserves to live a happy life just as much as anyone else does.

I apologize for the grotesque use of third person and promise this is the only post that will contain that sort of narrative!

I look forward to watching this thread grow as I grow. I welcome people to share there thoughts, and not to feel like they can't share some of their own changes. I would love to compare notes when possible!

It's wonderful that you have started this, I think of my own (Jess's Mess) as a diary that I put down my thoughts, accomplishments, failures, hopes and dreams.  Sometimes my dairy talks back to me with friends and other members replying with their own thoughts after reading it.  Sometimes they need to just reflect by themselves.
One thing I've learned that if you have a pressing problem, posting in a forum directly related to it will get you faster answers.  There will be more views by more members that way.

I do encourage you to periodically revisit old posts....you may enjoy seeing all the changes that have occurred.

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

Quote from: Jessica on October 25, 2018, 12:20:45 PM
It's wonderful that you have started this, I think of my own (Jess's Mess) as a diary that I put down my thoughts, accomplishments, failures, hopes and dreams.  Sometimes my dairy talks back to me with friends and other members replying with their own thoughts after reading it.  Sometimes they need to just reflect by themselves.
One thing I've learned that if you have a pressing problem, posting in a forum directly related to it will get you faster answers.  There will be more views by more members that way.

Thank you Jessica! I have enjoyed following your journey. I look forward to making this a bit of a diary as well.

Quote from: Jessica on October 25, 2018, 12:20:45 PM
I do encourage you to periodically revisit old posts....you may enjoy seeing all the changes that have occurred.

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

Since I am new, I have been binge reading everybody's experiences! It is amazing to see all the changes that happen, as well as how many earlier posts get referenced to and are still able to be learned from!

Hi RealLacy
Welcome in the club!  We are almost on the same timeline (however, I guess I am way older than you, but it is never to late to become your real self).  I am not on any medication yet, but my body is doing a lot of changing me on its own terms, because I am intersex and seem to go through the last phase of my puberty. 
It would be interesting to compare and see how long it takes on estrogen until you have a similar breast development as I have.  I am supposed to go on estrogen in late December/early January.  That would get you a little more than two month head start with estrogen.

My breasts are currently between an A and a B cup, and are growing very slowly.

@RealLacy
Dear RealLacy:
This is wonderful news.  Starting you own personal transition thread is a terrific thing to do.
It will not only allow you to chronicle your journey, the ups and downs, the successes, the failures, your coming-out experiences, but also your HRT progress as it takes place.  It will allow you to ponder your issues and to formulate positive solutions.

I might suggest that you also keep a personal journal at home for more personal details that you can review and ponder your life changes.   I personally keep a pen & paper journal along with colorful doodling and some photos.  There are times that I will sit down and read over my past experiences and entrees... a therapeutic and self-educational exercise for sure.

My personal thread here on the forums covers a lot of details that I have documented with my comments, photos, and my followers reply posts and comments. 
               "I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle's Chronicles" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.0.html)

I will be eagerly looking for your future postings and updates.
We are your biggest fans and we are rooting for you.

Hugs,
Danielle

Hello RealLacy

Welcome to Susans and congratulations on starting HRT yesterday. It is wonderful feeling as take the first tablet and apply the first patch, isn't it? You'll remember that event forever!

I wish you every success on your journey and please do not worry about using the third person as many of us do so.

Hugs

Pamela

I never had a proper diary when i was young so I've also been enjoying chronicling my life in  transition. I look forward to reading about your experiences since i'm Only about 3-4 months ahead of you on the hrt journey.

Quote from: Dietlind on October 25, 2018, 04:41:16 PM
Hi RealLacy
Welcome in the club!  We are almost on the same timeline (however, I guess I am way older than you, but it is never to late to become your real self).  I am not on any medication yet, but my body is doing a lot of changing me on its own terms, because I am intersex and seem to go through the last phase of my puberty. 
It would be interesting to compare and see how long it takes on estrogen until you have a similar breast development as I have.  I am supposed to go on estrogen in late December/early January.  That would get you a little more than two month head start with estrogen.

My breasts are currently between an A and a B cup, and are growing very slowly.

I'm glad to find another lady on the same timeline! I'm so curious to see how everything works for everyone. I would love to compare how our bodies react to HRT and the progress we each make.

I apologize, but I am not super aware of how intersex works. I know the basics, but if you feel like sharing more about how it is changing you I would lend an ear!

Congratulations on the breast growth! I am at a nothing looking forward to a something! My virtue of patience will get a work out during this whole time!

Lacy

Hugs,
Lacy

Quote from: pamelatransuk on October 26, 2018, 03:45:59 AM
Hello RealLacy

Welcome to Susans and congratulations on starting HRT yesterday. It is wonderful feeling as take the first tablet and apply the first patch, isn't it? You'll remember that event forever!

I wish you every success on your journey and please do not worry about using the third person as many of us do so.

Hugs

Pamela

The feeling was wonderful. I have closed off all emotions for 10+ years. Just knowing I was taking a leap towards where I want my life to be was such a release of emotions.
The thing I have been most nervous about is the rollercoaster emotional the HRT brings. I have prayed that it doesn't happen to me, but as I took my second dosage today, I had a very strong feeling that I'm going to be feeling all sorts of unusual emotions!

Quote from: elle's bells on October 26, 2018, 05:31:09 AM
I never had a proper diary when i was young so I've also been enjoying chronicling my life in  transition. I look forward to reading about your experiences since i'm Only about 3-4 months ahead of you on the hrt journey.

Thank you! I have tried journaling several times throughout my life, but I feel like this is the time that I will succeed on maintaining one.

Your HRT seems to be working well! Your profile picture is beautiful! Love the hair, and you have very feminine eyes!

Lacy

Quote from: RealLacy on October 26, 2018, 05:08:32 PM


I apologize, but I am not super aware of how intersex works. I know the basics, but if you feel like sharing more about how it is changing you I would lend an ear!

Congratulations on the breast growth! I am at a nothing looking forward to a something! My virtue of patience will get a work out during this whole time!

Lacy

Hugs,
Lacy

Intersex persons are born mostly with no clear sex determination.  In many cases they have male and female sex organs at birth.  It used to be at the  time of birth somebody made the decission whether the baby shall be male or female.  I don't know how my case was, because my parents are not life anymore.
I never developed secondary male sex characteristics, like body hair, an Adams Apple, or the typical male chin and lower jaw line.  I also do not have any receding hairline or bald spots, and my natural hairline starts relatively low on my forehead (a typical female hair line), and I also have none of the typical bony structures over my eyes.

Anyway, my psychologist feels that I never endet puberty, and that my breast growth is part of the still ongoing puberty, and that I am actually more female than male. 
This condition should make it easier for me to become a full female.  I don't need to remove any body hair, I don't need to shave my legs or arm pits, and my beard growth is not very heavy.  In fact even my pubic hair is so nice to just grow to be like a bikini trim, not a single hair is growing up to my belly button.

Comparing my breast growth to that of other girls here wo are on estrogen, seems to make it easier for me, too.  I do not have any pain in my nipples or any other discomfort.  The only annoying thing is that my nipples are hard and erect 24/7, no matter whether it is hot or cold, or what mental state im am in. 
A positive thing is that my breasts create a pleasant feeling in my genital area if I manipulate them in a certain manner.  The feeling is not in the penis head or near it, it is more at the base of the penis in the area that would be between the urethra and the clitoris in a female vagina.  This seems to indicate that there is a certain nerve connection to the genital area that is more typical for females than for males.
I don't know whether other trans women have similar experiences, or if this is because of my intersex condition.
For the case that estrogen generated breasts cause the same feeling, I can only say that you will be getting an extra source for feeling good!

As you said, it could be interesting to compare how the two of us develop, and if estrogen brings me even further ahead, or if you catch up to me at some point.  Breast wise I definitely can compete with a younger teenager. 

But the breast growth is rather slow, it took about two years until I reached my current status.  That might be the reason that I do not have any discomfort, because of the slow growth my skin could easily keep up with the breast growth.

I will keep you posted how I develop!

Quote from: RealLacy on October 26, 2018, 05:08:32 PM
I'm so curious to see how everything works for everyone. I would love to compare how our bodies react to HRT and the progress we each make.


Hugs,
Lacy

Hello again

Many of us have put up a summary of our HRT progress both physically and emotionally on the HRT Board and you may wish to read some threads there.

I am 8 months HRT having started Feb 8th. I have received and still receive great benefit from HRT and my story is attached below and includes dates for me but please remember we are all different and you may or may not experience the same changes at the same or at different times.


Hugs

Pamela


https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,241374.0.html

Quote from: pamelatransuk on October 27, 2018, 04:47:15 AM
Hello again

Many of us have put up a summary of our HRT progress both physically and emotionally on the HRT Board and you may wish to read some threads there.

I am 8 months HRT having started Feb 8th. I have received and still receive great benefit from HRT and my story is attached below and includes dates for me but please remember we are all different and you may or may not experience the same changes at the same or at different times.


Hugs

Pamela


https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,241374.0.html

I think your report is very interesting, and I tried to find a point at which I am, but without HRT.  My skin was always soft and free of any hair, and i don't really know o what body part or conditions I can hang my dysphoria up on.  May be on my fingers?  I don't know how I ever could look my fingernails looking like those of a woman! 
And my voice may be something.  I don't have a real deep voice, because I never develop an Adams Apple, which means my voice bos is not very large, but it is clearly not a woman soprano!  I always disappointed, when I see pretty trans women who have deep voices.  Thinking about it, i believe my voice is my biggest dysphoria problem!

I do not hate my genitalia, i dislike my testes but that is more because they are always in the way and hurt upon the slightest touch,  it's more the pain that bother me with them than their presence.  I don't even remember what n erection is, and my penis is downgraded to a pretty handy hose for urination.
Even if I would want to masturbate, I would not have enough "material" left to do it.  Do I miss the feelings, yes, once in a while, but massaging my breasts provides me with some pleasant feelings down there.  Not enough to orgasm, but that makes it less messy anyway!

I have no clue, what my testosterone or estrogen blood levels are, because I have never been testet for those.  I assume that my testosterone is pretty low, and the estrogen causes my breasts to grow.
You do not write what size your breasts were at any given month, so I am not able to compare with you.  I am currently between an A cup and a B cup.  In my breast growth the left one is clearly larger than the right one!

Emotionally, I was always more a softy than a tough guy, but that is to be expected with my physical condition.  I always gravitated more to the female friends than to to my male one.  And I always got teary eyes when I heard, read or saw a sad storry.  That is the girl that is hidden inside of my body.

I hope that my feet will shrink with HRT, because I would not know how to put the current things into a nice looking shoe!
I don't know if my muscles will soften, because I never had the strength of a comparable cis male.

So I waited until I could get on my computer before typing out what follows. Cell phones, although super handy, are by no means the best device to write long posts!


I am 29 years old. 25 years ago when I was 4 my family and I took a jeeping vacation to Moab, Utah. One of my favorite places! Although I only vaguely remember this trip, I have gotten the following details from my dad.
We were at one of the many arches, and my family (Mom, Dad, 6 year old Sister and 2 year old sister) were enjoying the sights. I had been with them, when my dad said I suddenly left. I climbed up one of the nearby rocks that made a sort of hill. He followed after me and found me standing there crying. He asked what was wrong.
I response to him was that I hated myself and wanted to die. A 4 year old telling his dad that he wanted to commit suicide! My dad, as he is very skilled at, was able to sit next to me and calm me down. I am not sure what kind of conversation my parents had after that incident, but I myself have 3 kids that are those exact ages. My 4 year old doesn't have a very strong grasp of death, let alone the knowledge of being able to kill yourself. If he where ever to express that to me, I would be taking him to a therapist in no time flat!

I never remember a time growing up, with my first memories being when I was 4, that I did not feel suicidal. I grew up in a sheltered, extremely conservative household. My dad has been a pastor since before I was born. I was raised a Christian and still hold those beliefs. That being said, throughout my childhood I was told many times that "Boys should not dress up in Mommy's high heels, or Sister's princess dresses."
I never felt like I truly fit into the boy's world. I wasn't very effeminate, but I had no idea how to be a boy. I was constantly taking mental notes about how other boys behaved and acted. How they dressed, walked, talked and joked. Even up until high school, I would just copy things I saw the popular guys do, or things I saw in movies. I had more girl friends than guy friends my entire life. I was very much admired by girls, and have always been attracted to them.

I never suffered physical or verbal abuse. One could argue I sustained emotional abuse. But that was caused by the (loving) ignorance of my parents and me not being able to/or feel comfortable talking to them about my concerns. I was plagued with confusion about why I was different and a heavy dark mass of suicidal thoughts daily chipping away at my mind.
We moved from where I grew up in Colorado when I was 11 or 12. Just as I was going through puberty. My. parents did not like talking about sexual stuff, so most of my information was obtained by books. Internet was not a big thing then, and I wouldn't have know how to use it for help even if it was. Leaving my friends right when going through puberty was very hard on me. We were living in Oklahoma where my dad's side of the family is from. I spent a lot of time with my Grandpa. He became my best friend (next to my dad). Even though I had all my family around, and was making new friends I felt terribly alone and empty. I began having dreams of feminization and felt so guilty about it. I hated myself and my subconscious for causing me more pain and confusion.

The day was windy (In Oklahoma read that as crazy windy) and my sisters didn't want to play outside with me. MY mom was making supper and my dad was in his chair either reading or playing electronic chess. I was in our back yard sitting in a tree, wondering why I was so weird. Wondering why my Grandpa never said "I was all boy" like he said about my cousins. It didn't make any sense. I saw my little sisters jump rope lying in the yard. I made a decision that I was done. At age 12 I attempted suicide via jump rope. I did a piss poor job tying knots, so the effort failed.
As I sat in the dirt next to the tree I realized how scared I was that I had just attempted that. I told nobody about it for years. I eventually told my older sister, but watered the story down greatly.



...I will continue in another post. This one is getting long, and I want to be able to look back at my posts and not see books!

I struggled through the rest of life at home. Doing everything in my power to make my family proud.  A move back to Colorado and I continued to bury all my feelings so deep down inside, that I stopped feeling any emotion. Well, I felt anger. That was it. I didn't shed a single tear from age 17 to 21. I was miserable. I left home the week I turned 18. I couldn't continue living there, hiding myself behind an illusion. Even after I moved out I was so emotionally barren, that I couldn't even find it important to do some self discovery and look into my life to realize who I was.

I became an electrician with my uncle right out of school. I never went to college, because I didn't feel enough interest in anything to take a plunge and get into a bunch of student loans. I worked as an electrician for two years. The company my uncle and I worked for suffered in the housing market crash of the late 00's. We were laid off. His family moved to Alabama, and I decided to move back home temporarily to find new work.
Home for my parents was now Iowa, so back to the midwest I went!

I found work in one of the most unfriendly places for a transgender female. A factory! I began work as a machine operator. We made gears, shafts and sprockets for many agricultural companies including John Dear, MTD and even some government work for tanks. After working as an operator for a couple months, the managers found out that I had several years as an electrician under my belt. I was promoted to the maintenance department and worked with a very bitter, bigoted gentleman in his 50's. I did industrial maintenance for 5 years before being promoted to the engineering department where I was being trained to take over for the Engineering Manager. I was an engineer for a year.
In this new position I was hated by a lot of the people I used to work with. Especially the man in maintenance. Every morning I got a big Eff you from all the workers on the floor. It was during this year that I began to have something inside me crack.

I have to take you down a rabbit hole here in order to bring some clarity to the life outside of work me! I found a beautiful woman and after a short engagement we where married. She got pregnant on our honey moon and so the hectic life of raising a family began. Our daughter was about 2 when I finally was feeling something to an intensity I hadn't felt before.
I told my wife one night after sex that I was transgender. She took it surprising well, mainly because she thought I meant something completely different. She was under the impression that I was a transvestite and that this was just another kink of mine. She was supportive as I bought women's undergarments and some outfits. She would refer to me as a woman during our intimate times, and expressed that she loved how emotionally connected I was when we "role played." However, since I was not a transvestite, the extent to which I began moving towards became to much for her. She expressed that she was no longer comfortable with things, and that she felt I wanted to be treated like a woman all the time. Terrified that I would lose her and being throttled with flashbacks of shame from my youth, I told her it was just a fetish and that we could stop. I purged most of my female clothing, and tried to regress my feelings again.

The stone mausoleum I had buried my identity in the first time, and attempted to use as a burial plot a second time began to splinter. The pressures of life and work coupled with my built up darkness escaping became too much for me. Many of my days I was just this side of catatonic. I felt such huge amounts of anxiety and depression that I didn't know what to do.  My wife finally forced me to see a psychiatrist after I began to have panic attacks and black out on my drives to work.

Thank God she did! I went to a therapist to start. Turns out he used to specialize as a therapist to pastor's and missionary's kids. He was able to understand the immense pressures the church puts on pastor kids. We are expected to be perfect, as if we decided to be in the same calling as our parents. I was by far the black sheep.
I shared with the therapist my feelings. I told him how I displayed signs of OCD since I was 5 as well as tols him about the feelings that I might be trans. He wanted to deal with the OCD first before tackling the transgender side of things. Turns out, he knew very little about transgender people. He did however encourage me to go see a psychiatrist and get on some anti-anxiety and depression meds.
Again, my training as a child told me that mental issues that would require medicine were things that could be prayed away, and that it was unnecessary to use medicine. I refused to see the psychiatrist.

I felt hardly any difference after seeing the therapist a few times. I didn't go until I received a giant slap in the face from reality!

I had a bad week, and it was Saturday. I slept most of the morning away and was just angry. By now, my daughter was 3 and I had a baby boy. They were downstairs with my wife. I went downstairs to say good morning to everyone, when finally I just snapped. My wife said something (I don't even remember what) and it just set me off. I went upstairs to our bedroom and moved our giant wooden clothes drawer in front of the door. My wife knew this was bad and chased me upstairs, children in tow. She is a small woman and couldn't get our door to budge.
I had taken my hunting knife from our closet and was sitting on our bed, drifting in and out of sane thinking, and hardly aware of where I was. Somehow, my wife managed to kick our door open enough that the crack was big enough for my daughter to slip through. I always told my wife that I live for my kids! My oldest daughter saved my life that day. I could see her girly head peeking through the door asking me why I was crying? I had a moment of clarity in time to throw my knife back inside the closet before my baby saw it. She came over and gave me the biggest hug!

It was after this that my wife and Grandpa convinced me to go see a psychiatrist and get on medicine. Best forced decision ever! I got on medicine and after a year had my OCD under control and was managing my anxiety.


...To be continued after I go get some sushi for lunch!

@RealLacy
Dear Lacy:
My of my, as you are telling your story and it makes me both sad and happy, all the different moments that you describe and your emotions that you were going through.

I trust that writing this down all in one spot is beneficial to you and helps you to see where you were and where you are now in your life and where you are going.   

As you progress in your transition journey, now that a few days ago you first started your HRT regimen ..... please continue to to keep your thread updated... not only for YOU but so your followers can share you happiness... and your sadness when you are going through life events.

As I mentioned in my first reply post to you on your thread here last Thursday Oct 25, I would encourage you to also keep a private pen and paper journal that you can document more personal stuff, insert notes from doctors, test results, pictures, letters and emails to and from friends, and otherwise more private stuff that you may not feel comfortable posting here on the Forums.

Thank you for posting your continuing story.... 
I will be looking forward to following your thread as you post more.

Hugs & hugs, and wishing you the best.
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on October 29, 2018, 01:42:40 PM
@RealLacy
Dear Lacy:
My of my, as you are telling your story and it makes me both sad and happy, all the different moments that you describe and your emotions that you were going through.

I trust that writing this down all in one spot is beneficial to you and helps you to see where you were and where you are now in your life and where you are going.   

As you progress in your transition journey, now that a few days ago you first started your HRT regimen ..... please continue to to keep your thread updated... not only for YOU but so your followers can share you happiness... and your sadness when you are going through life events.

As I mentioned in my first reply post to you on your thread here last Thursday Oct 25, I would encourage you to also keep a private pen and paper journal that you can document more personal stuff, insert notes from doctors, test results, pictures, letters and emails to and from friends, and otherwise more private stuff that you may not feel comfortable posting here on the Forums.

Thank you for posting your continuing story.... 
I will be looking forward to following your thread as you post more.

Hugs & hugs, and wishing you the best.
Danielle

Danielle,
Thank you for reading my posts! I have been glued to your chronicles! I am very happy to read about all the excitement you are experiencing up north! Your thread has been very encouraging. It saddens me to read about people who do not offer you their support, but I'm happy that most of the town is on the Danielle ship! The strength you show and the fact that you keep going with your head held high is very admirable.

I remember reading a post you made (while I lurked) about treating everyone with a friendly attitude and being the first to smile! ...Well, I see it is in your profile now!... I have started practicing that as I am (through the process of transitioning) coming out to more and more people. Mainly in doctor/patient settings, but even with others. Going into life with that mindset brings a surprising amount of courage that one doesn't know they possess!

I like your idea of keeping a hand written personal journal and am shopping for a nice leather bond one. Right now, a notebook will suffice! I have told my story to some of my close friends, but there is a very liberating feeling when putting everything down in writing. As I type, things just seem to keep flowing, and I feel relief as I remember the tough times and decades of pain that I have survived! I also feel a lump in my stomach that is a mixture of fear and excitement about what my future brings.

I'm very thankful to have found a strong community to give and receive support in!

Lacy

P.S. Love the new profile picture!

i Real Lacy
Part of your storry sounds like mine, However, I never tried any suicides, I am just not the type for this!  The day you were in Moab might have been the same day I aas driving around there with my Jeep, I go there whenever possible!

I, too started my working life as an electrician, and later worked on power station installations.  However, I went to school and got an engineering degree.  But that has nothing to do with this story.  Because of my biological condition, I never was able to keep up with the boys, but  in those days nobody would ever think about seeing a psychologist, doing so would be a terrible stigma, because one was considered to be insane, if one sees one!
Because I had no idea what was going on with me, and neither did my wife, our marriage finally collapsed, and I am alone now for many years already.

I hope your marriage will survive, because it sucks big time being alone and not having the loving wife at my side!

I wish you lots of luck for your difficult path!

Okay,
So I left off with me getting my OCD and Anxiety under control. In doing this, my depression was diminished a good deal, most of the time, but still very much there all of the time.

I have never been the kind of person to stay on the surface, especially once I have addressed an issue. My goal was to get my mental health in check and then start looking into the root of the issue...my Gender Dysphoria.
One thing to mention, was that before I started medicine I told my wife that if I still felt that I had transgender feelings after reaching a good place with my medicine, that I would want to start talking, to somebody beside the therapist I had been seeing. Someone who was a specialist in the LGBTQ lifestyle. She had agreed to that. I believe one of the main reasons she agreed, was because she read several articles (can't remember by who or where) that transgender feelings can be attributed to OCD. As if the person is obsessively stuck on some idea of femininity and gets confused about their true feelings/identity. Who knows what was smoked before those articles were written!

With my anxiety in check, the only thing that really kept beating me down was depression. My wife was pregnant with our third child. Since she was so small, her belly would stop growing after about 6 to 7 months. Because of this, she had to get multiple ultrasounds with each baby. For our first and second baby we found out the sex before she delivered. Since we had one child of each sex, my wife thought it would be fun to be surprised for the third. If you gave me a scale of 1 - 10 and asked me how much I like surprises I would take the sliding counterpoise and throw that sucker as far past 1 as I could! Nevertheless I agreed to stay in the dark until the baby came.

I was 27 years old as the due date rolled closer. My daughter was due the 10th of August and my Birthday is the 15th. My wife went past her first 2 due dates, so I expected the same to happen. The depression grew stronger and stronger. I couldn't talk to my wife about my feelings, because she was stressed enough as it was, and I was stuck in the sticky mires of depression and self loathing.

I had heard of the 27 Club as I grew up. The members being celebrities like Jimi Hendricks, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse who all died mainly by their own hand when they were 27. Sometime after getting married in 2010, I had decided that if I wasn't in a better place by 27, that I would join that club. The month of August began and I decided that if my wife didn't have the baby by my 28th birthday, then I would exit this would on the 14th.
This was the worst and deepest low I had ever been in. Even worse than the day locked in my bedroom. Worse, because I had a plan, a place and a note written to every member of my family.

I know everyone says that it is wrong to have favorites when it comes to children. I always say that I have a favorite oldest daughter, a favorite son, and a favorite youngest daughter. But since I am well past the stage in my life where I lie to myself, I will say without hesitation, that my youngest is my favorite. I say this, because she was born on August 3rd! She is my Angel of Life! She saved my life. After she was born, I just kept staring at her face, knowing I would never be able to do anything to hurt her. When she was a few days old and would look into my eyes, I was entranced by her innocence. She is now over a year old and and is stuck to me like velcro! She is Lacy's girl!

After this horribly close call, and the decision to find a way to banish suicide from attacking me, I talked to my psychiatrist about my need to talk to somebody about the root of my anxiety and depression. She said they had a specialist who works with the LGBTQ community and she was in the same building! She worked for the same company. However, they said she had a full patient load and wasn't taking on new patients. My psychiatrist said that since I had been going to the clinic for over a year, that she would personally talk to the psychologist about taking me on. She was more than happy to take me on, as she has a personal connection with the transgender community. She is a lesbian who had a wife transition some time ago.

I set up my first meeting. I told my wife that I was going to be talking to a psychologist about the feelings of gender dysphoria that continued. After my first meeting, the burden I had been carrying for my entire life was lifted! All dark thoughts were gone, and I haven't even had an thought contemplating suicide! To express that feeling to someone who hasn't had to fight it for decades is pretty much impossible! Even those closest to me who knew I was dealing with those ideas, still never seemed to fully grasp how releasing it is to live free from that horrible chain.

That is my history up to Januaryish of this year. I will take a break and then transcribe the more recent activity and everything that led up to me beginning HRT!

If you are still reading by this point I appreciate it!

Living Free,
Lacy

Quote from: Dietlind on October 29, 2018, 03:36:07 PM
i Real Lacy
Part of your storry sounds like mine, However, I never tried any suicides, I am just not the type for this!  The day you were in Moab might have been the same day I aas driving around there with my Jeep, I go there whenever possible!

I, too started my working life as an electrician, and later worked on power station installations.  However, I went to school and got an engineering degree.  But that has nothing to do with this story.  Because of my biological condition, I never was able to keep up with the boys, but  in those days nobody would ever think about seeing a psychologist, doing so would be a terrible stigma, because one was considered to be insane, if one sees one!
Because I had no idea what was going on with me, and neither did my wife, our marriage finally collapsed, and I am alone now for many years already.

I hope your marriage will survive, because it sucks big time being alone and not having the loving wife at my side!

I wish you lots of luck for your difficult path!

Dietlind,
That is amazing about the similarities! I loved doing electrical work and have always had the mind of an engineer. It can be a good thing and a bad thing. Sometimes I take things and break them down into as logical a thought as I can. Unfortunately not everything rests on logic (as I found out on Saturday) so sometimes I just break things!

Moab is just beautiful! I miss Colorado and Utah and the mountains. I am still not used to the miles and miles of corn rows here!

I was very intrigued with you previous response as well. I tried to respond to your yesterday, but for some reason Tapatalk was acting like a goof and not letting me post things properly! I find your physical condition to be very interesting. I am grateful that you felt comfortable enough to share some of your experience and talk about the path you have been given to walk down. From what you have said about your body and its current conditions, I think that HRT will be very gracious to you!

You are correct and unfortunately mental health still has a stigma attached to it. People don't seem to realize that the brain is an organ that needs taken care of as well. We don't judge people for taking insulin or medicine for their thyroids, yet people still want to judge people who take medicine for the chemical imbalances in the brain. I hope society continues to evolve to a more accepting place where mental health is more of a priority.

I am sorry to hear about your marriage. That is a subject that I will broach a bit deeper in my next few posts. Where things currently lie, I am treating my marriage as a very fragile egg and am doing everything I can to keep my wife in a healthy place. I have planned for the worst and am hoping for the best.

I will be here to help support you and others on their path to happiness, and am grateful to have your support!

Sincerely,
Lacy

Quote from: RealLacy on October 29, 2018, 04:44:58 PM


That is a subject that I will broach a bit deeper in my next few posts. Where things currently lie, I am treating my marriage as a very fragile egg and am doing everything I can to keep my wife in a healthy place. I have planned for the worst and am hoping for the best.

Sincerely,
Lacy

This is so important, because at the end of the day, it is the arms around you, and the kisses of you loving wife that will safe you from all bad things in life!

I wish so much I would have gained that knowledge earlier in my life!

Quote from: Dietlind on October 29, 2018, 06:57:10 PM
This is so important, because at the end of the day, it is the arms around you, and the kisses of you loving wife that will safe you from all bad things in life!

I wish so much I would have gained that knowledge earlier in my life!

Dietlind,
Since coming out, my marriage has been the most important thing I have been focusing on. I do not envy my wife and everything she is going through. I feel bad for her, that she thought she was marrying a man and had to find out that she hadn't. She has so many concerns, and I know she is doing her best to cope with everything. Being a transwoman is never something I would wish for. There is nothing fun about it! I would much prefer to have been born with matching body and gender.

The ability to start transitioning and having the medical care and support that I have is exciting. I do find that a lot of my milestones seem soured a bit because I know that my wife is not abe to share that excitement with me. For her it is another step away from the "man" she married.

I have a female friend at work who is very supportive and it helps to be able to have someone who will be excited and ask questions about how I feel about the steps I take. She is excited to go shopping with me when I start presenting full time. We have already gone to the nail salon and gotten pedicures together. I am grateful, but sad that it isn't with my wife.

Quote from: RealLacy on November 02, 2018, 12:01:21 PM


I have a female friend at work who is very supportive and it helps to be able to have someone who will be excited and ask questions about how I feel about the steps I take. She is excited to go shopping with me when I start presenting full time. We have already gone to the nail salon and gotten pedicures together. I am grateful, but sad that it isn't with my wife.

In some way I am lucky that I have nobody who I can disappoint.  All my female friends are excited about my transition , and want to go shopping with me and teaching my all the female ways.  But If I am honest to myself, I would stop all that fun and transition and everything if it would give me back my marriage and my wife!
I will miss her and this part of my life forever!  Every fun now is a poor substitute for the happy marriage we had one time!

To continue my herstory...so I can finally get to the current happenings, I will pick up where I left off.
This may not be of much interest to everyone, but I do what to have my experience written down and let it escape from the tips of my fingers. Maybe there will be some people that read this and relate and it will help them! I Hope that is the case.

So My first appointment with my psychologist was amazing! I finally was able to come out as my true self to someone who understood what this whole transgender thing was! My psychologist was partners with someone years back who after several years in their relationship transitioned FTM. This allowed her a first hand experience of everything, as well as encouraged me that she would be able to understand some of the issues my wife was going through. As we have continued our sessions, I do feel like she challenges me to think outside of just myself during different steps. At the same time, she has also been able to identify some issues that I should address if I want to keep my marriage together. That is not a guarantee of course, but it is the hope!

After finally being able to accept that I was a woman, the decades of suicidal thoughts that had weighed me down literally flew of my shoulders! I could feel it physically. I had never been that free! I knew after we finished the meeting, that I was going to pursue transitioning and she said she would support me in getting to the point of starting HRT.

I was ecstatic! I had to dampen it significantly around my wife, but she noticed my mood was better than it had ever been, and the anger I had felt and expressed since we were married was gone. I gave her a summary of my first meeting, and she cried. She cried for the rest of the day, and most of the next few weeks. I unfortunately was called a great many things during that time. Her sadness was poured out on me without restraint. Although I had lived my entire life trying to make sure everyone around me was comfortable and living a happy life, I was accused of being selfish, a threat to our marriage, the potential cause for my children to be ridiculed, my wife to be judged, family to abandon us and all because I was selfish enough to want to pursue a happy life like those around me.

It was hard. If it hadn't of been for the huge burden that was lifted off me, I probably would have cracked and gave up. However, that was not the case. Everything she had said to me, I had subconsciously prepared for it seemed. I struggled with the feeling of me being selfish for a couple months, but I was genuinely not worried about the other things she had thrown at me. Our marriage was something I knew would be threatened. I found that one of the hardest things to do is tell the person you love, the person you chose to spend your life with, that you still loved them, but understand if they needed to leave you.

Thankfully my wife told me she wouldn't leave me. She has said in the past that no matter what I did she would never leave me. Even with that, I don't kid myself that she could potentially leave.

The past several months we have had several conversations about our future. She has continued to say that she feels is in a lose/lose situation. She doesn't want to be divorced, but she doesn't want to be married to a woman. The part that really bothers me is that she is very open minded and has no problem supporting transgender people, or gay rights. She hates the way society has gendered toys and colors, and has no issue with letting our children express themselves however they want. She has even told me if we had a trans child, we support them through everything. And I know she would. But it is different with me being her husband. With me transitioning, she is also being forced to transition. Her identity will change.

Eventually after hearing I was giving her a lose/lose situation, I decided to call her out on it. I told her that I was sorry I hadn't been honest with myself or her about these feelings, but I refused to be someone's lose/lose. If she couldn't continue living with me, then we would figure out a way to make things work for the kids. Whether it was coparenting or some other arrangement. I gave her some time to decide, and she has decided to work through this with me.

By no means is she fully supportive. She knows this is what I need to do, and she is willing to continue walking down this path with me. I am on HRT, and about to begin removal of my facial hair. She is still here and is actively working with me to budget out the costs for the laser removal.

I am overall happy with how things have gone, and know there are plenty of people that don't have the support I have. Before starting regular posts of current happenings, I want to go over my experiences coming out to family, work and friends.

Quote from: RealLacy on November 04, 2018, 09:40:48 PM
Although I had lived my entire life trying to make sure everyone around me was comfortable and living a happy life, I was accused of being selfish, a threat to our marriage, the potential cause for my children to be ridiculed, my wife to be judged, family to abandon us and all because I was selfish enough to want to pursue a happy life like those around me.

Hugs,
Lacy

First, congrats on taking such a huge step!!!!! My anger also quickly dissipated once I figured out what had been causing it. When I told my wife she was also mad as hell, and at times I was certain she was going to leave me. But time (18 months for us) and patience allowed her to realize how much better our lives will be. She is happy again.

The section of your post that I quoted reminds me of a lyric from 'King of Anything' by Sara Bareillis:

'All my life I tried to make everyone happy, while I just hurt and hide waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide.'

I think you have finally discovered that it is your turn to decide. Continuing down the road of anger and rage will not lead to a happy life for anyone, and it may even lead to death. Maybe we are being selfish by taking this path, but sometimes that is what is required for our own survival.

I wish you and your family the best of luck. Love always -- Jessica Rose

Both of you, Real Lacy and Jessica Rose are so lucky that you could keep your marriage going.  Mine broke into pieces, because neither of us knew what was going on.  My ex is slowly becoming a good girl friend of mine, and even gives me advise for skin care etc.  But we are living thousands of miles away from each other now, and can talk only electronically with each other.  Anyway, it is better than nothing!

My girlfriends here tell me, my eyes sparkle each time when I present as woman, they want me to do it all the time, but I am not ready for that.  I found that I get better service when I go as a man to Home Depot or Lowe's or any given automotive service.  I will keep that up as long as I can hide my boobs under a shirt!

I just found out a way to hurt like hell!  I rubbed my ear and forgot that I have those stupid ear hole posts in there.  Boy can one self inflict pain this way!  I think I have to learn more, how to be a woman without killing myself along the way!

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on November 04, 2018, 09:56:55 PM
First, congrats on taking such a huge step!!!!! My anger also quickly dissipated once I figured out what had been causing it. When I told my wife she was also mad as hell, and at times I was certain she was going to leave me. But time (18 months for us) and patience allowed her to realize how much better our lives will be. She is happy again.

The section of your post that I quoted reminds me of a lyric from 'King of Anything' by Sara Bareillis:

'All my life I tried to make everyone happy, while I just hurt and hide waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide.'

I think you have finally discovered that it is your turn to decide. Continuing down the road of anger and rage will not lead to a happy life for anyone, and it may even lead to death. Maybe we are being selfish by taking this path, but sometimes that is what is required for our own survival.

I wish you and your family the best of luck. Love always -- Jessica Rose

Jessica Rose,
Thank you for taking the time to read my post! I love the fact that the anger I felt for so long is gone. That emotion can do so much damage so quickly.

I had to listen to the song you quoted, but you are correct! It is my turn to decide! I want to be there for my children, my family and my wife. This is the only way I can do that. It is always encouraging to read about a marriage that lasted through the hard times! It gives me hope that the best outcome is possible.

I thought I was a patient person, until I embraced this! Know I am learning a whole new side of that virtue!

Thank you for the encouragement,
Lacy

Quote from: Dietlind on November 04, 2018, 10:45:33 PM
Both of you, Real Lacy and Jessica Rose are so lucky that you could keep your marriage going.  Mine broke into pieces, because neither of us knew what was going on.  My ex is slowly becoming a good girl friend of mine, and even gives me advise for skin care etc.  But we are living thousands of miles away from each other now, and can talk only electronically with each other.  Anyway, it is better than nothing!

My girlfriends here tell me, my eyes sparkle each time when I present as woman, they want me to do it all the time, but I am not ready for that.  I found that I get better service when I go as a man to Home Depot or Lowe's or any given automotive service.  I will keep that up as long as I can hide my boobs under a shirt!

I just found out a way to hurt like hell!  I rubbed my ear and forgot that I have those stupid ear hole posts in there.  Boy can one self inflict pain this way!  I think I have to learn more, how to be a woman without killing myself along the way!

Dietlind,
It is sad to here about your marriage, but I am happy to read that you all are still keeping in touch and seem to be amicable. Hopefully that relationship will continue to heal and you will be able to have a friend in her!

It is very amazing how many Male privileges we are born with without knowing it! I have had people ask me why I would choose to give up these privileges. The answer is simple...They were never mine to give up! They just came with the "package" I was handed.

I take it you got some new piercings?! That's exciting! I am thinking about getting some more. Besides the unfamiliar studs that bring pain, are you happy with them?

Quote from: RealLacy on November 05, 2018, 01:19:09 PM

I take it you got some new piercings?! That's exciting! I am thinking about getting some more. Besides the unfamiliar studs that bring pain, are you happy with them?

Those are the first body mods I ever got in my entire life.  I have to learn to leave the hands away from my ears.  I hope those holes will heal out fast.
I really don't have any relation to it, neither happy or not.  Having infection control & prevention as my specialty, I am actually against anything that penetrates the human skin (Tattoos and Piercings).  I think I just wanted to be more female that bad that I agreed to mutilate my body.
I have to see how well those holes heal and I can forget about them.

The next step of my transition was coming out! Growing up the idea of "Coming Out" just seemed so strange, and I never would have thought I would be doing it. It was how I was raised. The more I go through life the more I realize that the expectations one has as a child and teenager, are rarely how things go!

My wife grew up in a house were issues were never talked about and settled. They were pushed away and ignored. This has influenced her in such a way that she is extremely selective of what she want people to know. I am still finding things out about her that I would have expected to know already! Needless to say, she was not at all in favor of me coming out.

She grew up here. We live in a small town surrounded by many other small towns. Shes went to school in 4 different districts, as certain schools closed or her dad moved to a different school to coach basketball. She worked at the local grocery store, and despite keeping private life very private, she is very outgoing and makes friends with almost everyone! Even after 8 years of marriage I am just referred to as M's husband or N's dad! My oldest child is a mini version of my wife! This doesn't bother me much, because I have always been more introverted. I will say that has changed some since finding my true self. In the end, I still prefer close relationships with a few really good friends as opposed to more surface relationships with a bunch of people.

The fact that everyone knows my wife has caused her to feel like she will be judged when I come out. She doesn't want to be seen as a lesbian, and doesn't want people to degrade myself or our children. The reality is that we will probably be her for many more years, and I just couldn't delay my transition any longer.

One day she was very upset about my need to transition. She stopped answering my texts and went to radio silent. I was having a rough day and ended up calling my mom. She was very happy to here from her only "son", and was very chipper when she picked up. As soon as I greater her, she knew something was wrong. She asked what had happened and I just lost it. I had cried for the first time in 10 years. I was locked in my office at work, soaking my carpet with tears. I finally pulled myself together and told my mom that I had to tell her something that she wasn't going to like. I am unsure of what she expected, but she assured me she would love me no matter what. I responded that I really didn't think she would, and was afraid that she and my dad would abandon us. She reassured me that wouldn't happen and pressed me to tell her what the matter was. I sobbed out "I am transgender!" She was silent for a moment (it felt like eternity) and then asked what I meant. I repeated myself and then told her I never felt like a boy/man and could not be happy in my current body. She kindly repeated the words I expected to hear. Most of you have heard many Christians and even non Christians go through how being transgender is just a confused mind and can be fixed by positive thinking, prayer etc.

I won't go super deep into details, because I don't want to make my mom look bad. She didn't reject me, but she didn't agree with me. It was the conversation I expected without the abandonment I expected. So I was pleased that even after our talk, she said she still loved me and my family and would not write us off! I was as happy as I could be under the circumstances. My wife and I had feared that our childre would grow up without having a relationship with my folks.

During the call with my mom, my wife decided to try to contact me. I had ignored several calls from her and began to get a rush of texts. I called my wife and told her that I had told my mom. She was furious that I hadn't talked to her beforehand and was mad that my mom (who obviously told my dad right after) knew what I was going through. Looking back I think some of her frustration came from the fact that now that I was opening the door and coming out, that this transition was real and going to happen. I had several other conversations with my mom and she offered to send me info on a conversion camp in Tennessee and other "resources". I told her we disagreed on what being transgender meant, and though I appreciated her trying to help, those materials would not be needed.

I had a few talks with my dad over the next few weeks. The subject was never broached, until about the 4th call. I told him I assumed my mom had told him about our conversation and he said she had. He told me he disagreed, but still loved me. They were going on a sabbatical and wanted to visit all the family, so we were going to see them in about a month.

My parents do not know that I started HRT and I don't feel like I need to tell them. When we met up I explained to them what my plans were, as I wanted no misunderstanding on what I meant by transitioning. I had a very weird talk with my dad where he questioned me about the "surgeries" I was planning to get later on and if this meant I was going to start having sex with men! My dad never once talked to me about sex. He barely gave me any info about the birds and the bees when I went through puberty. I did all the research about it myself. So it was an unexpected turn in the conversation for sure.

Between the time I told my parents and our vacation with them I came out to two other people without telling my wife. These people were my older sister and the HR Manager at work. After I had the talk with my dad, I had gone back to our motel room and my wife was giving me the silent treatment. She knew that I had talked more in depth with my dad and was not pleased. She felt like I had picked a bad time and had left here with my mom (they are friendly, but not the best friends) and our kids. She said that I had ruined her vacation by talking to my dad and leaving her to deal with the chaos. The kids finally went to sleep and I tried talking to her some more. She had received a text from my older sister (again only barely friendly terms) about how she was thinking about her and was there if she ever needed to talk. I had told my sister not to talk to my wife about it at all, but apparently she thought that was okay. My wife kept saying how there was no way my sister didn't know and that my mom had to have told her. This was going to make our vacation crumble and her relationship with my mom turn ugly. So I admitted that I talked to my sister about it. She again gave me silence so I went to take a shower.

As I was cleaning up, my wife asked from the other room "So since you told your sister does that mean you told Jamie (my friend at work/HR Manager) too?" I had no answer. I just stood in the now cold shower speechless. Trying to think of an answer that would not cause my wife to explode! One never came. She yelled back "I'll take that as a yes!" That was how things were left for the night and the rest of the vacation was awkward between my wife and I.

The conversation I had had with my sister was very similar to the way it went with my mom. I wasn't crying, but asked her to keep it quiet from my wife and my parents. Of course she didn't and talked to my parents about it and sent the out of the blue text to my wife. I got more of the same "Being attacked by satan" "You are just confused" "You need to pray more about this". I reminded my sister of the admittance of my suicide attempt when we were kids and asked her if she believed suicide was wrong. She said she did. I told her that from the day I embraced my true self, suicidal thoughts had left and didn't come back. How was that an attack by satan? How was that wrong? Her answer was forgetful and I can't even remember the reason she gave. I found out from my parents during our trip that my brother-in-law couldn't believe it. He said that I was the most masculine guy he had ever met. I would be the last person he would have guessed to be transgender! I had hidden it well.

My sister and mom like to send me texts laden with how good a MAN I am, how good of a SON/BROTHER I am. It is annoying and hurtful, but communication between us has never been frequent, and as long as they don't right out reject me or my family I'm okay with that. I guess I will find out in the future once HRT has had its way with me, how true to their word they will stay.

My wife has since gotten over me telling them, and although wasn't happy when I came out to 1 than 4 people at work, she has gotten more used to it. 

That part about your sister and mom using masculine words with you struck deep! My mom ends nearly every txt with "my handsome son" like even when it doesn't make sense to, lol. She also compares me to Tom Brady (!?) which makes me laugh more than anything. Sometimes she'll talk about the football game from the night before, but as if _I_ we played in it!! Like, "you scored two touchdowns last night" to which leaves me mystified.

It can be exceptionally difficult when our family does not realize how deeply this affects us. In a way I am lucky that my family (parents, brothers, and their families) live nearly 1000 miles away. I waited almost two months after going full time before I made a trip to tell them! I had considered telling them before I went full time, but waiting until it was done made me fell as though I was in a stronger position. They knew I wasn't joking. They could not talk me out of it because it was already done.

I remembered some unkind comments my Dad made when Caitlyn Jenner came out, so I was expecting the worst. I figured my Mom would be OK. I was surprised when they both accepted me without reservations. My parents are in their mid-80's, so they had been used to using my old name for a long time. Initially they dead named me quite often, but I knew it wasn't out of malice. I told them that they had a lifetime pass on getting my name right, and that I would never correct them. They have gotten much better, but my Dad still occasionally calls me 'son'. Anyone else I would correct. Being dead-named is the only thing that really bothers me, but somehow I was able to put my parents in a 'safe space', and it doesn't upset me if they do it. I know they are trying.

This is hard, and it is something no one would ever do on a whim. Once we find this missing piece of the puzzle that is our life we really don't have a choice. We know what path is the correct one. Sometimes we just have to forge ahead and hope that others will fall in line once they see how happy we become. Time and patience.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Hey, Lacy,
I found your story a compelling read; thank you for breaking it into digestible chunks.

I am saddened by your wife's and family's lack of support and - dare I hint the word antagonism - towards where you find yourself today. Many of us here can at least minimally understand your wife's angst and anger and feelings of betrayal as well as her "what will the neighbors think?" reaction.

Yet I see happy news as well in that you seem have found good therapists to help you and your love of your children to help sustain you through these dark, dark hours. We are all here for you as well.

May I offer you a huge Hug?
Susan

Quote from: elle's bells on November 10, 2018, 09:30:34 AM
That part about your sister and mom using masculine words with you struck deep! My mom ends nearly every txt with "my handsome son" like even when it doesn't make sense to, lol. She also compares me to Tom Brady (!?) which makes me laugh more than anything. Sometimes she'll talk about the football game from the night before, but as if _I_ we played in it!! Like, "you scored two touchdowns last night" to which leaves me mystified.

Ugh! I'm sorry you have to deal with it also. I don't understand why they insist on doing that! I appreciate complements, but not the back handed types!

I will say I will join you in the mystified field on the Tom Brady comparison. That is a new one for me! IF she was going to compare you to an NFL player, she shouldn't insult you with Tom Brady! Lol! Maybe one day we will both be at a place where we don't roll our eyes every time we see a text from our moms!

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on November 10, 2018, 10:03:59 AM
It can be exceptionally difficult when our family does not realize how deeply this affects us. In a way I am lucky that my family (parents, brothers, and their families) live nearly 1000 miles away. I waited almost two months after going full time before I made a trip to tell them! I had considered telling them before I went full time, but waiting until it was done made me fell as though I was in a stronger position. They knew I wasn't joking. They could not talk me out of it because it was already done.

I remembered some unkind comments my Dad made when Caitlyn Jenner came out, so I was expecting the worst. I figured my Mom would be OK. I was surprised when they both accepted me without reservations. My parents are in their mid-80's, so they had been used to using my old name for a long time. Initially they dead named me quite often, but I knew it wasn't out of malice. I told them that they had a lifetime pass on getting my name right, and that I would never correct them. They have gotten much better, but my Dad still occasionally calls me 'son'. Anyone else I would correct. Being dead-named is the only thing that really bothers me, but somehow I was able to put my parents in a 'safe space', and it doesn't upset me if they do it. I know they are trying.

This is hard, and it is something no one would ever do on a whim. Once we find this missing piece of the puzzle that is our life we really don't have a choice. We know what path is the correct one. Sometimes we just have to forge ahead and hope that others will fall in line once they see how happy we become. Time and patience.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Jessica,
You bring such positivity with each of your posts! I appreciate you sharing your wisdom on my thread. Reading through your experience and getting to read your wife talk about her part of the journey has been very eye opening for me. It also brings me hope and strengthens my resolve and patience! Thank you for that.

I think that was very smart of you. I'm sure it was also terrifying. That is the one thing that I feel they are trying to do the most. Make me change my mind. I haven't told them that I'm 3 weeks in on HRT. I plan on waiting to have any more conversations with them about things until the next time we are together. By then things will be at a point where visible changes have happened and I am far enough along that they will know I'm not confused or going to change. The one person I am most afraid of telling, really the only time I feel dread when think about telling is my grandfather. He helped me out during a rough time after high school when my parents pretty much had given up hope. I consider him my best friend and named my son after him. To think of him sharing the same view of me has he does people like Caitlyn or any of "Those Kind of People" is haunting. He is older and I don't want the last few years of our relationship to be bad.

I have no plans on forcing or trying to get my parents to call me Lacy. they are the kind of people who picked out the name of their children because of the meanings. The definition of my legal name backwards is "Truthful, beloved descendant." I have always tried to live up to that and took pride in making my parents proud of me. I would appreciate a little more acceptance and the lack of burying me with male pronouns. IT is still early on in my travels, so I know I must be patient!

XOXO!

Quote from: Susan Baum on November 11, 2018, 07:15:40 PM
Hey, Lacy,
I found your story a compelling read; thank you for breaking it into digestible chunks.

I am saddened by your wife's and family's lack of support and - dare I hint the word antagonism - towards where you find yourself today. Many of us here can at least minimally understand your wife's angst and anger and feelings of betrayal as well as her "what will the neighbors think?" reaction.

Yet I see happy news as well in that you seem have found good therapists to help you and your love of your children to help sustain you through these dark, dark hours. We are all here for you as well.

May I offer you a huge Hug?
Susan

Susan,
Thank you for reading my story! I am glad I haven't broke people with my long posts! I try to post as much as I can handle at a time, but not overwhelm myself or others!

I appreciate your sympathies regarding my family. I know it can be worse, so I try to look at the positives and appreciate that despite their antagonism and negative feelings, they have not chosen to ignore me or remove me from their lives.

Every day is a balancing act with my marriage it feels. The past two weeks have seen very little conversation about things with my wife. We are however enjoying a closer relationship in almost every other area than we have in a long time. My libido is very low, so we have just done a lot of cuddling and foot rubs! I find it is easier to engage in conversations with her about daily life stuff and just plain nonsense after being on HRT now. I have a clearer mind and am able to look outside of myself more. I find that the encouragement I receive on these forums and the support I have from you all, makes me just want to share that with others! I like myself better because of it!

Thank you for the support and the HUG!

Many more hugs!
Lacy

I am officially 1 month on hormones!

I have had zero breast activity (*sigh* I am staying patient). My skin however is so much better, my face less oily, my mind less foggy and my reactions to situations more female. My friend at work has mentioned that!
I also have a different smell in my urine and sweet. It is a lot less "Musky".

My 2 cats will not leave me alone! My wife suggested it is because of the hormonal increase. When she was pregnant they wouldn't leave her alone. One of them are on top of me or sleeping next to me at all times! It is a strange but nice feeling thinking my animals can smell/sense the change.

My cravings for salt are still high. Lots of pickles, salt and vinegar chips and sauerkraut. The sauerkraut has boosted my immune system thankfully. My two older kids were stomach sick this weekend. Anytime they get sick...anytime...I also get sick. Not this time!

My wife keeps mentioning how nice I smell. The funny thing is, she says this at times when I have been active and haven't showered. I know hormones can change your pheromones. My wife's therapist told her that sometimes when a person transitions the change in pheromones can be negatively reactive. Thankfully that doesn't seem to be the case.

I don't wear makeup often, and don't know what I am doing. I did a lot of acting in the past, so that is the only experience I can pull off of. Not yet ready to ask my wife for help.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving,
Lacy(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181125/89e2bb4b499c3fd46f5a315c08b398d4.jpg)

@RealLacy
You are a very pretty girl!  You have such a nice smile and bright eyes!
And you can be happy about the results you are getting from HRT.  I am 3 weeks on it now, and I cannot discover any changes.
The only thing were the carvings for salty foods and a lot of thirst during the first two weeks.  That is over now, and I am back to my standard me!  But I have a head start with breast development, and no body hair.

I wish you lots of luck and fun for the ongoing transition!

Love the photo, Lacy!

Doubters not withstanding, I don't see a whole lot of "man" in that photo; with the changes you, your wife and cats have already noticed, I dare say HRT will be most kind to you.

Since I was a child, I've always loved sauerkraut and a good kosher dill pickle or three so my yen for these didn't change a whole lot with HRT - but sudden desires for Nacho chips and olives seemed to come at me from out of the blue.

I'll keep on sending hugs your way.

Susan

Your 1 month progress report sounds a lot like mine! Though I never really thought to compare my urine smells, lol! Also that's funny about your cats. That would drive me bonkers because I'm allergic. Never had cravings like some here but I do find I can drink pickle juice by the glass and I got sick doing so to prove it!

I have to say, you're already looking very pretty and I see one happy lady in that photo!! I'm eager to see how your confidence blossoms with your feminine beauty 2, 3 months from now. Good try with the makeup, you're well on your way! Now hit those YouTube tutorials drop and give me 20 clicks, young lady!

Quote from: Dietlind on November 25, 2018, 12:07:28 PM
@RealLacy
You are a very pretty girl!  You have such a nice smile and bright eyes!
And you can be happy about the results you are getting from HRT.  I am 3 weeks on it now, and I cannot discover any changes.
The only thing were the carvings for salty foods and a lot of thirst during the first two weeks.  That is over now, and I am back to my standard me!  But I have a head start with breast development, and no body hair.

I wish you lots of luck and fun for the ongoing transition!

Thank you Dietlind for the compliments! I feel my smile is more true now days. I look back at older pictures and see a sadness in my eyes behind the smiles.

You are always an encouragement with your posts! I look forward to seeing how are transitions differ. I'm jealous of your breast start!

Lacy

Quote from: Susan Baum on November 25, 2018, 05:05:30 PM
Love the photo, Lacy!

Doubters not withstanding, I don't see a whole lot of "man" in that photo; with the changes you, your wife and cats have already noticed, I dare say HRT will be most kind to you.

Since I was a child, I've always loved sauerkraut and a good kosher dill pickle or three so my yen for these didn't change a whole lot with HRT - but sudden desires for Nacho chips and olives seemed to come at me from out of the blue.

I'll keep on sending hugs your way.

Susan

Susan,

Thank you for the love! I feel better about my appearance with makeup on as opposed to none. I look a lot more manly sans paint!

Thankfully I've been told by several people that my facial features are soft enough that they should respond well to HRT. I hope that is true.

The cravings are a fun experience for me! I was never big on pickles, but the other food items you mentioned I love!

I appreciate your continued support and for following my thread!

Hugs to you!
Lacy

Quote from: elle's bells on November 25, 2018, 05:16:01 PM
Your 1 month progress report sounds a lot like mine! Though I never really thought to compare my urine smells, lol! Also that's funny about your cats. That would drive me bonkers because I'm allergic. Never had cravings like some here but I do find I can drink pickle juice by the glass and I got sick doing so to prove it!

I have to say, you're already looking very pretty and I see one happy lady in that photo!! I'm eager to see how your confidence blossoms with your feminine beauty 2, 3 months from now. Good try with the makeup, you're well on your way! Now hit those YouTube tutorials drop and give me 20 clicks, young lady!

It's encouraging to hear that my 1 month is not out of the ordinary! I wish their was an exact set of outcomes and a road map to this thing.

The urine smell was not something I thought to think of, but someone mentioned it here right before I start HRT, so I happened to take note! I'm a weirdo.

The cats have been sweet, but I need my space. The whole reason I like cats is because they ignore you as much as you ignore them! The main part of it that made me happy was the fact that my wife was verbally (multiple times) acknowledging the hormonal changes in my body, and not in a negative way! Baby steps...

I do need a lot more makeup practice. A girlfriend from work gave me a Sephora gift card. We are going to go to the city one of these days and get a makeover. That way I can get my correct colors figured out. I was instructed that you only buy certain things from Sephora if you want to have any money left!
And I have to admit that there was some filtering done to the photo to hide some mistakes. :(
Please dont throw stones.
One of these days it won't be like that!

You can be my makeup drill sergeant any day! You always look fabulous!
Lacy

Quote from: RealLacy on November 25, 2018, 09:08:19 PM

Please dont throw stones.
One of these days it won't be like that!

You can be my makeup drill sergeant any day! You always look fabulous!
Lacy

I would never throw stones! I live in a glass house! XD

I figured out a few things that work for me makeup-wise but I have a long way to go still! Each new event or look or change in hair color is a chance to play with my makeup look, which I consider a learning opportunity. I have cis friends that never put much time into their looks, and I respect that. It's more important for us though in redefining others' perception of us so I've spent a lot of time working at it. Only in the last 3 months or so has the holy trinity of clothes, hair and makeup really come together to project the woman I want to show to the world and it's an amazing feeling. I have absolutely no doubt that you'll get there.

I can attest to Sephora being pricey. My advice is to seek out a palette with a decent array of colors you can use for shadows and color correcting.

A makeover in the city sounds so enchanting! Your friend is awesome. I actually have yet to do that "in store makeover" which is a rite of passage for so many transwomen. The closest I've come to it is my friends helping me hone in on a look though I still did most of the application and made the color/brush choices with their assistance. I do, however, go into stores like Sephora and seek consultation on colors for my skin tone etc. That was embarrassing at first because they would start to apply it to my face in front of everyone but it seems like a natural thing now. :D

As for filters. I used them for years. I still do a little sweetening at times. ;) No shame in it.

Quote from: RealLacy on November 08, 2018, 04:58:02 PM
He said that I was the most masculine guy he had ever met. I would be the last person he would have guessed to be transgender! I had hidden it well.

My sister and mom like to send me texts laden with how good a MAN I am, how good of a SON/BROTHER I am. It is annoying and hurtful, but communication between us has never been frequent, and as long as they don't right out reject me or my family I'm okay with that.

I just re-read your report, because I had missed details before.  Specifically the above one!
After I came out to my longest ever female friend, who is two years older than I, and exactly of the age my dead sister would be, whose place she took over.
She said "who did give you those dumb ideas, you are the manliest man I ever met!  You should talk to Jim (her son in law, a evangelical pastor), and he can help you with the right resources to make you right again.  And you just need the right medication to overcome this disease!  I will pray for your health!"

Yes, as we know, we just need to swallow the right pills (is there a re-gendering pill?) and have some bed rest, and we will wake up cis again!

I still feel so good that your wife is with you on your path!


PS: My picture, too went through a little computer work prior to putting it up as avatar (and the long hair is fake), the face had some wrinkles removed, but nose and chin, etc are real.  And yes, I do not have an Adams Apple!

@RealLacy
I absolutely love your new Avatar/Profile Photo....
...you look very beautiful and feminine for sure.

Thank you for sharing and treating all of us to your new picture.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Hi, Lacy.

I love your new photo!  You look drop-dead gorgeous.  If that's only one month on hormones, you are going to be a knockout after a couple of years.

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on November 26, 2018, 12:01:49 AM
@RealLacy
I absolutely love your new Avatar/Profile Photo....
...you look very beautiful and feminine for sure.

Thank you for sharing and treating all of us to your new picture.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

@Alaskan Danielle
Thank you very much for the compliment! I hope to be able to enjoy looking more feminine on a regular basis and not just on a special day!
I felt it was time to put my face out there.

Quote from: KathyLauren on November 26, 2018, 07:14:32 AM
Hi, Lacy.

I love your new photo!  You look drop-dead gorgeous.  If that's only one month on hormones, you are going to be a knockout after a couple of years.

@KathyLauren
I'm blushing! Make up is a friend to me! That is unfortunately not my regular look. I hope hormones will be kind to me. Either way, since starting HRT I feel so much more confident in myself and comfortable with my femininity.

One of the people who knows at work commented on how feminine I sit now!

You ladies make a girl feel special!
Lacy

Wow Lacy I have to agree with everyone else that you look great! 

I wasn't aware that we started HRT at about the same time.  I am a lot older (63) so I won't get the benefits you will.  I am not counting on breasts or my hair coming back but I can share with you that my attitude has become, well... perky.  I have been happy before but I have never, ever felt perky in my life.

I know you saw my photo that I posted briefly as my avatar.  I took it down because I am not out yet and I was concerned about being recognized before I shared it with my family.

Reading your story I was so happy to know that the darkness that surrounded you is gone.  My warmest wishes to you on your personal  journey.

Hugs,

Emma

Quote from: Emma1017 on November 30, 2018, 04:29:35 PM
Wow Lacy I have to agree with everyone else that you look great! 

I wasn't aware that we started HRT at about the same time.  I am a lot older (63) so I won't get the benefits you will.  I am not counting on breasts or my hair coming back but I can share with you that my attitude has become, well... perky.  I have been happy before but I have never, ever felt perky in my life.

I know you saw my photo that I posted briefly as my avatar.  I took it down because I am not out yet and I was concerned about being recognized before I shared it with my family.

Reading your story I was so happy to know that the darkness that surrounded you is gone.  My warmest wishes to you on your personal  journey.

Hugs,

Emma

Thank you Emma!

I did manage to see your picture before you took it done. I can understand the need to keep things private for awhile

That's right! We are hormone sisters! Happy month and a week on HRT!
How are you feeling with things?
Some of my closer friends are noticing my changes in skin and emotional responses!

Lacy

Quote from: RealLacy on December 03, 2018, 12:59:34 PM
Thank you Emma!

I did manage to see your picture before you took it done. I can understand the need to keep things private for awhile

That's right! We are hormone sisters! Happy month and a week on HRT!
How are you feeling with things?
Some of my closer friends are noticing my changes in skin and emotional responses!

Lacy

I am trailing you guys by on week I think.  I do not feel any changes at all, because I always had baby skin, and pretty female emotions ( that is an intersex thing).

I hope I will start to feel something pretty soon!

How do I get that ticker you have onto my profile?  would you please be so kind and enlighten me a bit?

Thanks and hugs!
Linde

Quote from: Dietlind on December 03, 2018, 02:04:28 PM
I am trailing you guys by on week I think.  I do not feel any changes at all, because I always had baby skin, and pretty female emotions ( that is an intersex thing).

I hope I will start to feel something pretty soon!

How do I get that ticker you have onto my profile?  would you please be so kind and enlighten me a bit?

Thanks and hugs!
Linde

I like the shortened "Linde" very cute!

I somewhat envy your long standing femininity! You were blessed with the nice skin, beginning breast growth and emotional standing that is going to take me a lot of time to catch up with!
I love your avatar! Very Pretty!

I sent you a PM with the info on the ticker!

Lacy

Quote from: RealLacy on December 03, 2018, 03:23:02 PM
I like the shortened "Linde" very cute!

I somewhat envy your long standing femininity! You were blessed with the nice skin, beginning breast growth and emotional standing that is going to take me a lot of time to catch up with!
I love your avatar! Very Pretty!

I sent you a PM with the info on the ticker!

Lacy

Thank you for the link and explanation!  As you see, it worked.
Well my femininity was a curse when I tried to grow up like the rest of the guys, I never was as strong as they, I never was as fast as they, and most of all, I was not really interested in their wild games, because I never could keep up.  The girls did not like me either, because I was a boy!  I became very introvert over the years, I was so introverted that I was concerned to pick up the phone when it rang, because I did not know what to say.

Later in life I learned to cope with it, and thanks to special training for almost two years, this introvert was turned into an extrovert, because I had to be able to speak  for medical seminars.  It helped later that I had an absolutely gender neutral job, but my marriage fell into pieces, after I could not play the guy role anymore.  At that time I still did not know what was wrong with me, I just was different and could not function as a male anymore.
Now I know that this was the time I had my female type menopause, and the hormones threw me out of whack!

But now that I finally decided to be a woman, all those things are of course of an advantage for me.
I appreciate it also that people like I are aging way slower, it seems that my entire body is 20 or so years younger than my biological age
I am heading very fast to the ripe age of 76, and have not lost a single hair on my head.  Thank you for the compliment on the avatar picture.  I look really like this, I don't have any make up on, i had no facial surgery, nothing.  I just used Photoshop to remove a few major wrinkles from my face.  My beauty spa is working on a permanent solution against those wrinkles.
As I said, now I am blessed with my young looks, but I was over 40 already when I was still carded to buy a pack of cigarettes!

My business is switching insurance companies. I was super afraid that the coverage for my transgender care would be compromised. After looking through everything, the coverage is just as good. But there is bad news.

I called to check if my gender therapist and my psychiatrist were in network. They both work for the same company. I also called the Hospital where I get my gender treatment done to see if they were in network. Thankfully my doctor at the hospital takes my insurance.
Unfortunately the company where I go for therapy and anxiety/depression meds does not. I feel like I have not let my emotions freak out about this, but it is really starting to lay heavy on me. I have developed such a wonderful relationship with my therapist, and leaving here would be heart breaking. I am hoping to work something out. As soon as she found out my insurance wouldn't cover me going there, she had the scheduler get me in for an appointment tomorrow at 4:00.

I really don't want to leave her, and hope I can find something that will work for me to keep seeing her. It will be over $700 a month difference as it stands if I continued going to her. That includes getting my wife therapy also. ARGH!

I will find out tomorrow what will happen, but am not feeling super great about things. On top of all this my older sister sent me another passive aggressive "You're Sinning" text this morning and afternoon. For the most part, I have no issue ignoring her, but this time she has really hit my buttons. Terrible timing for her.

Trying to stay positive!
Lacy

@RealLacy
Well, all of what your wrote is not very good news, on two fronts.

First, regarding you new insurance company covering your current therapy sessions.... bummer.... it will be difficult to switch therapists particularly since you have had such good feelings about the one that you have... but if you must find another one, do know that you just may find a good substitute that you can feel comfortable with and find them helpful.

Secondly, .... wow, your older sister's  "you're sinning"  text to you, even if it wasn't bad timing and coincided with your therapist and insurance issue, but now such unkind and non-accepting words from a family member...  you will probably never change her mind, even if you were a top debater and negotiator, so if I were you I would give it my best effort to ignore, don't waste your time responding, and move on to happier moments with those that accept you, or at least not shoving things like that in your face.

Hugs and more hugs....... and well wishes.
Danielle

Quote from: RealLacy on December 05, 2018, 02:53:42 PM
My business is switching insurance companies. I was super afraid that the coverage for my transgender care would be compromised. After looking through everything, the coverage is just as good. But there is bad news.

I called to check if my gender therapist and my psychiatrist were in network. They both work for the same company. I also called the Hospital where I get my gender treatment done to see if they were in network. Thankfully my doctor at the hospital takes my insurance.
Unfortunately the company where I go for therapy and anxiety/depression meds does not. I feel like I have not let my emotions freak out about this, but it is really starting to lay heavy on me. I have developed such a wonderful relationship with my therapist, and leaving here would be heart breaking. I am hoping to work something out. As soon as she found out my insurance wouldn't cover me going there, she had the scheduler get me in for an appointment tomorrow at 4:00.

I really don't want to leave her, and hope I can find something that will work for me to keep seeing her. It will be over $700 a month difference as it stands if I continued going to her. That includes getting my wife therapy also. ARGH!

I will find out tomorrow what will happen, but am not feeling super great about things. On top of all this my older sister sent me another passive aggressive "You're Sinning" text this morning and afternoon. For the most part, I have no issue ignoring her, but this time she has really hit my buttons. Terrible timing for her.

Trying to stay positive!
Lacy

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on December 05, 2018, 04:39:03 PM
@RealLacy
Well, all of what your wrote is not very good news, on two fronts.

First, regarding you new insurance company covering your current therapy sessions.... bummer.... it will be difficult to switch therapists particularly since you have had such good feelings about the one that you have... but if you must find another one, do know that you just may find a good substitute that you can feel comfortable with and find them helpful.

Secondly, .... wow, your older sister's  "you're sinning"  text to you, even if it wasn't bad timing and coincided with your therapist and insurance issue, but now such unkind and non-accepting words from a family member...  you will probably never change her mind, even if you were a top debater and negotiator, so if I were you I would give it my best effort to ignore, don't waste your time responding, and move on to happier moments with those that accept you, or at least not shoving things like that in your face.

Hugs and more hugs....... and well wishes.
Danielle

@Alaskan Danielle,
I know its been a week since you responded, and I never replied. I apologize for that. The last week has been a rather rough and unsure one for me. I am not saying it was "bad" necessarily, just one that has kept me more in my head than I would like.
Your response was very welcomed, and I have gone back and read it multiple times during the week. I know I am not the only trans-woman that gets to hear, or feel the disconnection and judgement of family. I have always been a debater when it comes to family. I feel as though I have won some major battles in the past, and that tends to be my first natural response to comments like the ones my sister makes. It is hard, because she and I were always close (probably closer in life matters than I am with my younger sister). The difference is that I am not a carbon copy of my parents. I never followed them blindly, or took everything they said as the end all be all. She did that in most ways. As we have grown into our adult selves, she has turned into someone I find hard to relate to.

The feeling of completely losing my sister, as I agree it is not worth the energy of trying to change her mind, and potentially losing 2 of my 3 doctors was a bit overwhelming.
My therapist found me an opening last Thursday so we could talk and have a "Goodbye" session. At that time, I was still hoping that the insurance situation would be able to be modified or fixed somehow. Now that the week as gone by, I have had to accept that it is what it is. The loss has happened. I feel like my last meeting with my therapist was a good one, and she shared her continuing support. She was the first person I really came out to and she helped me accept everything about myself. That is something that I hold dear, and won't have with anyone else.
I have decided to look back at the past year with her as a fond time, a very important time and relish the support and friendship that was received.

Although it isn't the best timing, being on HRT for a month and a half, in the same token it feels like a good enough time to find some one new. I am taking steps down the next portion of my journey, and I am glad that I had her there to help me get started with it. I still have not looked at new therapists, and probably won't until after my check up appointment with the doctor overseeing my hormone treatment. Thank God I didn't lose her!

The one thing that has really helped over the last few days, is that my wife has shown a lot more support. In a way, I think it is because she likes to defend me against my family, and it helps her feel like she is taking forward steps with me. I also   have found myself much more in the Christmas Spirit than I have ever been since we got married. She is noticing the positive effects that HRT is having on my overall health and well being. We talk more about "nothing" than we have in a long time! It is like we are getting to know each other all over again. As much as you can with someone you have been with for 9 years and have 3 kids with!
She has asked for my clothing size in women's and has also asked me about my feelings on various, very feminine jewelry and clothing items. She even picked me up a shirt the other day when she and my son with "thrifting"! Unfortunately, it was a bit small, but fit here nicely (which means it was very small) considering it was supposed to be my size! One of the joys of women's clothes. You can't be sure they fit until you try them on! Either way, it was the thought that really mattered to me. It was a feeling of more acceptance from my favorite person, while I was losing some more of my relationship with my sister. I will take that trade!

Again Danielle, I really appreciate your support!
Lacy

So a few quick things...
I am wearing my favorite female sweater to work today! I have been wearing female ankle boots or flats to work for months, but this is the first time I have overtly (without hiding it under a jacket) a female top to work! I had the help of my friend in HR encouraging me to do it yesterday.
LOL! I am never nervous to wear things like this in public, but there is no way you can look  so it is weird that I had to have some help with a friendly push! I feel it is a way for me to feel better about everything after last week. I feel so comfortable with it, and am finding myself expressing more feminine behavior today. I am not fully out at work, but have been slowly introducing feminine things slowly. earrings, necklaces, rings, shoes, and now clothing. The best part, is that I know everyone notices these changes. I have seen them all check out my new shoes or earrings. They will either take a gander and then continue on with what they are doing, or better yet complement me on what I am wearing!
Thankfully I entered this job in a manner that is allowing me to get away with dressing like this and not having people try to crucify me.

On another exciting note, my nipples are getting very sore. This morning it feels like someone has been pinching them. I am super excited about that! Besides some on and off itching, this is the first boob action I have experienced! I have a high pain threshold...but from everything I read, if this continues (which I expect it will) then I will be needing to protect them within a few weeks or sooner. Yay for second puberty!

Lacy

Quote from: RealLacy on December 12, 2018, 01:13:11 PM
.

On another exciting note, my nipples are getting very sore. This morning it feels like someone has been pinching them. I am super excited about that! Besides some on and off itching, this is the first boob action I have experienced! I have a high pain threshold...but from everything I read, if this continues (which I expect it will) then I will be needing to protect them within a few weeks or sooner. Yay for second puberty!

Lacy

Congratulations, my nipples are hard and erect for about 3 years now, one gets used to it, I think.  I have those stick on breast pads that I use if I wear thin stuff and no bra, to cover the nipples.  Those things work well, I got them from Amazon.

Lacy, I am loving these updates. Your wife sounds amazing and I HEART the way you describe her as "your favorite person." You're so much braver than I was at work when I was still in the closet. I bet you looked baller in your sweater.

Welcome to the sore boob club. XD Since you have three kids, I imagine you'll need to 3 times the defense I do against my one rambunctious daughter!

Much love, sister. So glad to hear you're doing well.

Quote from: elle's bells on December 12, 2018, 07:51:39 PM
Lacy, I am loving these updates. Your wife sounds amazing and I HEART the way you describe her as "your favorite person." You're so much braver than I was at work when I was still in the closet. I bet you looked baller in your sweater.

Welcome to the sore boob club. XD Since you have three kids, I imagine you'll need to 3 times the defense I do against my one rambunctious daughter!

Much love, sister. So glad to hear you're doing well.

Thanks for following them! My wife is great. I love her more every day! She has been super strong during this entire time in our life. It is still tough for her, but she is making great strides. I'm just trying to take it slowly with her!
I haven't told her about my nipple pain yet, but it is still there this morning and not any better feeling! She has shopped for bras for me years ago when I was still in denial and thinking this would pass (as did she). So hopefully me shopping for t-shirt bras now won't be too much for her.

Regarding the kids...I hope they make triple padded bras! My 15 month old was crawling all over me last night and she kept making contact with my tenderness! Now when they come running over to me and jump on my chair I have to protect two areas instead of just my lap!

It felt good being in feminine clothes yesterday. I was nervous in the morning, but ended up in a situation where I had to talk to all my staff and staff from another department. After that, it was not something that I could change! One of my employees actually complimented my sweater and told me how much she liked it! She is actually doing that a lot more with everything fem that I try out. I feel like she may be suspecting something! Lol, gotta love it!

Lacy

Good morning,
I can't believe we are facing another Monday and another week in the face. The weekend was looooong!
My 5 year old had the stomach bug and missed his dance recital. I feel really bad for him as he is the only boy in his class and was going to be Rudolph. He got to twirl each of the girls as the came on stage! He has been shy the past couple years, and he was excited to perform this year. He cam down with it Friday night and was confined to a sectioned off couch all day Saturday. We watched a lot of cartoons. Thankfully by last night he seemed to be back to his ornery healthy self.

My 7 year old was in the dance recital with my wife helping her between costume changes from 1 pm until 10 pm. So so long! She did fantastic in all her songs, but really nailed her ballet song. She wants to audition for the studios "company" team next year and start competing. Her dream is to make it onto "Dancing with the Stars Junior"!

The baby stayed home with myself and my son. She is getting the last few teeth in. She didn't go to sleep until midnight last night, and was up at 5 this morning! Gotta love it!

Today is the first day I am wearing a bra to work. My tender chest has commanded it. It is a sports bra, but has regular size straps that are easily detectable under my t-shirt. I am wearing a patterned button up shirt as a jacket and that seems to have hidden the bra pretty well. I will be needing to take a trip to the store this afternoon to pick up a few more bras that have more undershirt like straps.
It is very odd to be added an extra undergarment to my attire! It feels different, but very comfortable, and is providing the much need protection.

My sister text me last night with another "I've been thinking about you" text. Nothing besides that, i.e. no judgmental add-on's. She wants to talk today over lunch. If you have read my previous posts, you will understand that I am not looking forward to this phone call. I know I can tell her no, but I feel like if maybe we talk I can get her to stop with the annoying texts. That is my hopeful expectations at least. I figure I will be in that call in about 4 to 5 hours from now. Wish me luck!

I hope all my friends here on Susan's had a good weekend and have a great start to their week!
Lacy

Sorry to hear about your boy being sick.  Not stage fright, I hope?

Congrats on wearing the bra to work.  Ya gotta do what ya gotta do!

I hope it goes well with your sister.  I understand your reluctance.  You don't necessarily want to cut off a family member, but, again ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

 Good morning Lacy
I wish you good luck with the telephone call with your sister.  I don't know what to say, because I don't have no sister anymore (she died over 5 years ago, I wish she would still be around, and could text me whatever she wants to)

Quote
My 5 year old had the stomach bug and missed his dance recital.

Are you sure it was a "stomach bug"?  The CDC came to the Concussio that over 90% of the so called stomach bugs are really different kinds of food poisonings.  You might want to see what he at  7 to 34  hours prior to this.

So, My sister has thrown her hat into the ring for how many insulting, cutting and incredible stupid and wrong things someone can say in 45 minutes to a transwoman.

I am so exhausted... But, I refuse to let this take me down or cause me to feel bad about myself. Having your own flesh and blood tear into you for 45 minutes, and then accuse you of being confrontational is mind numbing. I know I will have to let all this garbage out via writing at some point in time, but "I'm hit!"
I'm going to have to take a stay in the medical tent before I can let myself rehash the crushing ignorance and closed mindedness that was my talk with my sister.

To anyone who experiences these kind of cancerous family conflicts, I just want you to know, I am here to listen and comfort you all. No one should have to be thrown through the wringer like that.
Lacy

Aww, so sorry it went that way!  I can't make it better, but I can give you a (((((HUG))))).

@RealLacy
Dear Lacy:
Very many of us on the forums have experienced similar outrage and insults from others and when it comes from family members that are supposed to be our "loved ones" ...  for sure it can really hurt and sting.
   
Rest assured that you are not alone in this terribly bad experience. 
My best advice is to NOT engage, there is no response or argument or debate that will change your sister's viewpoints on the subject, and likewise there is no argument that she could present to you that would make you change your views.  It is best to NOT let discussions, arguments and debates like this get started in the first place... it is a lose/lose situation... again, do not engage, move on to more agreeable subjects or calmly leave the room... with no bad words being spoken by you.  Have solace in taking the higher road.

Do not permit her or others to make you feel bad... you have made your personal life changing decision with your eyes wide open, you are the one that is in control of your feelings, I know, I know, this is way easier said than done for sure.   

Not only do I think that you should NOT engage but also do your best to NOT make any angry or nasty responses.   Let her run her mouth and spew all the insults she wants, if you can just bite your tongue and walk away that would be good.
Your sister will always be your sister so the goal for you is to not have any regrets later on in life for things you may have said to her in the heat of the moment.  Your words, especially hurtful words can not be taken back once they leave your lips.

I will be looking for your future updates.

Hugs and well wishes....
Danielle

Quote from: RealLacy on December 17, 2018, 03:34:25 PM
So, My sister has thrown her hat into the ring for how many insulting, cutting and incredible stupid and wrong things someone can say in 45 minutes to a transwoman.

I am so exhausted... But, I refuse to let this take me down or cause me to feel bad about myself. Having your own flesh and blood tear into you for 45 minutes, and then accuse you of being confrontational is mind numbing. I know I will have to let all this garbage out via writing at some point in time, but "I'm hit!"
I'm going to have to take a stay in the medical tent before I can let myself rehash the crushing ignorance and closed mindedness that was my talk with my sister.

To anyone who experiences these kind of cancerous family conflicts, I just want you to know, I am here to listen and comfort you all. No one should have to be thrown through the wringer like that.
Lacy

Sorry it went that way Lacy. Stay strong! I agree with Danielle's thought about handling yourself with class despite her ignorance. Hugs to you.
Moni

Thank you all for your encouragement! I took a few days away to spend time thinking and healing.

I will respond more in depth and personally with your comments, but for now I wanted to say thank you!

Merry Christmas to all my sisters here on Susan's who are so supportive and loving! I hope you all have wonderful days today!

Lots of love,
Lacy

I am enjoying my 2 month HRT today! A fitting day on my book!

I am really starting to notice the feminine features more in my face, and my breast are incredibly tender! My youngest has pressed against my chest so many times this past week! I have a new appreciation for what my wife went through during pregnancy.

Thanks to the tenderness I have been wearing a bra daily for over a week. I still haven't gotten used to it. I know why so many women are ready to take their bra off at the end of a day!

We had a Google chat with my parents and younger sister today. I was wearing my favorite jeans and a beautiful new long sleeved shirt and dangling earrings my wife bought me for Christmas.
She asked if I was comfortable talking to my family dressed like that. I was, and asked if she was. She said she was comfortable! I was very aware that this was the first time I have been fully dressed while talking to my parents. It was a little paranoia inducing,  but overall I felt comfortable.
There was no way my family could have mistaken the outfit for anything else than what it was. They said nothing about it and the talk was pleasant! First holiday done with no drama...a pleasant surprise.

I hope everyone enjoyed their time with family and some relaxation!

Lacy

@RealLacy
Dear Lacy:
Such a joyful update regarding your Google Chat with your parents and your younger sister today....

Your description of your 2 month HRT experiences bring back fond memories for other transitioners that know exactly what you are writing about... the breast tenderness for some can continue on for up to 6 months or more, every body is different however.

I wish you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS and a prosperous and Happy NEW YEAR 

Thank you for posting and sharing.
Hugs and as always, Well Wishes
Danielle

We have a lot in common. I'm from a dairy farming community in Wisconsin so i get the stares for even having shaggy hair. I worked in a factory as industrial maintenance too and I just graduated so I got into engineering so we have so many things we can talk about.  I'm going to do this! You inspired me as i have been reading your posts before I came out as mtf and I wanted to say thank you! I went for my first makeup lesson yesterday and I told my best friend today that I am transitioning.  The community here is wonderful but knowing that there's a similar mind on here with similar experiences is humbling and reassuring.  I'm asking my doctor to start hrt next month and I can't be happier... these last few days have been inspiring to know I can do this! Thank you for putting your story out there!!!!

@Alaskan Danielle, @KathyLauren, @HappyMoni

Thank you all for the well wishes and e-hugs after the talk I had with my older sister. I was able to reread your responses a couple times throughout the past weeks when I would start feeling down. I took your wise advice and ended the call with as much integrity as possible and kept friendly communication with her and my brother-in-law over the holidays.

She said she doesn't want to be the family member who disowns me and wants to keep a good relationship. I just hope she takes some of my "Recommended Reading" and learns from it!

I do apologize for the late reply. Our internet was out for almost 2 weeks during the holiday break. They sent out a tech without letting us know. He fixed the incoming line that had broken, but never told us. It took 2 days for me to reset the modem and have a new signal sent by our provider! So frustrating!

I feel like I missed so much, while I was absent!

Quote from: Dietlind on December 17, 2018, 08:49:01 AM
Are you sure it was a "stomach bug"?  The CDC came to the Concussio that over 90% of the so called stomach bugs are really different kinds of food poisonings.  You might want to see what he at  7 to 34  hours prior to this.

@ Dietlind
Thank you for the information. All the kids ate the same thing. They all ended up with it and spread it to my wife. She got it Christmas afternoon, just as she was getting over bronchitis! I felt so bad for everyone.

I don't know if it is because of the positive mind set I have tried to stay in, and the extra attention I am giving my body, but this is the first time in over 8 years that I did not get sick from my wife or kids. Thank God I stayed healthy through the holidays so I could nurse them back to health!

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on December 25, 2018, 10:33:29 PM
Dear Lacy:
Such a joyful update regarding your Google Chat with your parents and your younger sister today....

Your description of your 2 month HRT experiences bring back fond memories for other transitioners that know exactly what you are writing about... the breast tenderness for some can continue on for up to 6 months or more, every body is different however.

Thank you for posting and sharing.
Hugs and as always, Well Wishes
Danielle

I do feel very happy with how my chat with my parents and younger sister went. My wife was 100% supportive of me staying in my comfortable new Christmas clothes! She has fully accepted me now I feel! This last weekend, we had several conversations that made my heart float! We celebrated our anniversary Dec. 31st with Champagne and warm, loving conversation. 

I will give more details in a full update, but needless to say, she told me to make a list of bras that I like from Victoria's Secret and she would get them with her end of the year order. She doesn't feel comfortable "doing" my make up or watching me put a bra on, but she understands that I need bras now and would like to begin wearing make up! I can understand and respect that.
She also told me that I should go to a bigger mall and try on a lot of different brands of clothing, so that she knows what sizes and styles to look for when she is out and about! We both recently went through our Wardrobe and donated things that didn't fit or we don't wear. I have a very small amount of male clothes left, and plan on replacing them with the correct clothing!

Quote from: Malleableman on December 28, 2018, 09:31:33 PM
We have a lot in common. I'm from a dairy farming community in Wisconsin so i get the stares for even having shaggy hair. I worked in a factory as industrial maintenance too and I just graduated so I got into engineering so we have so many things we can talk about.  I'm going to do this! You inspired me as i have been reading your posts before I came out as mtf and I wanted to say thank you! I went for my first makeup lesson yesterday and I told my best friend today that I am transitioning.  The community here is wonderful but knowing that there's a similar mind on here with similar experiences is humbling and reassuring.  I'm asking my doctor to start hrt next month and I can't be happier... these last few days have been inspiring to know I can do this! Thank you for putting your story out there!!!

@ Malleableman,
Reading your comment made me smile so much! Thank you for reading about my experiences. I feel so happy that you are inspired to take the next step in your life! It sounds like we do have some similar backgrounds! I would love to chat with you!

I can understand your experiences with the stare down over long hair! Those dairy farmers haven't seen nothing yet! Feel free to post any experiences or questions you have. There is pleanty of wisdom and resources on the forum!
I look forward to reading about you beginning HRT and the changes as you feel comfortable writing about them!

Also congratulations on talking to your friend! I hope it all went well.

Hugs,
Lacy

Okay...lesson learned. Never say anything about making it through a family epidemic of the stomach bug. : (
I ended up getting sick on my way home from work Wednesday evening. It made for an eventful 45 minute drive. I was bedridden until this morning. Thankfully my wife and kids are completely over it, so they nursed me back to health.

I hope all you here on Susan's are staying healthy this New Year!

I feel so excited about what is to come this year. I believe I have taken some of the hardest first steps with my transition. I look forward to seeing growth and continued milestones met!

I am nearly at the 3 month mark on HRT! I will be visiting my doctor this month for a checkup. I hope to receive an increase in dosages and look forward to seeing my blood results.

February brings my first electrolysis appointment. The dermatologist who performs the procedure is experienced with working in tandem with the Trans community.
I was told at my last appointment that the University is expanding their LBGTQ clinic this year. They are hiring a speech and body language trainer, a FFS surgeon as well as a surgeon who performs GCS. It is exciting that there will at least be those options around me!
The Law students at the University work on one big project each year. It is supposed to benefit a different department each year. A few years ago they made a booklet that has all the details on how to change your name and gender on all needed documents and forms. It is very thorough and will be of great help in the future.

I feel blessed to have the support of my wife and friends at work, as well as everyone who has shared their experiences and wisdom on this forum. I want to thank you all for giving me the courage I needed to start this new chapter of my life!

I want to share with everyone the story of me coming out to family and some people at work. It has been a few months since I did, and now it seems like it has always been that way!

I appreciate everyone who follows this thread, and for those of you who have shared positive thoughts and friendship via messages. It means a lot to me!

Lacy

Quote from: RealLacy on January 06, 2019, 03:01:56 AM


I appreciate everyone who follows this thread, and for those of you who have shared positive thoughts and friendship via messages. It means a lot to me!

Lacy

I really feel like your older sister (friend??), because the two of us are almost for the same time on HRT.  You are so lucky that you have family around who loves you.  I am pretty much alone in the world (my son who supports me, lives about 2000 miles away, so does my ex, who also supports me now).  I am lucky to have very good friends here (all cis women), who seem to have decided into making me into the best woman every walked the face of the earth  >:-)!  But nothing replaces a loving family!
I wish you a lot of luck for this 2019 and hope the two of us can safely continue our journey into femdom!

Hugs
Linde

Sorry for the absence. It has been an interesting/eventful start to the new year.

Quote from: Dietlind on January 06, 2019, 10:15:48 AM
I really feel like your older sister (friend??), because the two of us are almost for the same time on HRT.  You are so lucky that you have family around who loves you.  I am pretty much alone in the world (my son who supports me, lives about 2000 miles away, so does my ex, who also supports me now).  I am lucky to have very good friends here (all cis women), who seem to have decided into making me into the best woman every walked the face of the earth  >:-)!  But nothing replaces a loving family!
I wish you a lot of luck for this 2019 and hope the two of us can safely continue our journey into femdom!

Hugs
Linde

Thank you Linde!
It is very nice to have a fellow sister who started on hormones close to that same time! I have had some painful conversations with my family recently. They are not disowning me, but it seems as though they forget after a while what is really happening, and need me to explain it again.

I came out to my younger sister and my Mom's mom 2 weeks ago. MY grandmother is the first family member to 100% accept and support everything! She really made the transgender side of things a smaller focus, and really just wanted to make sure I was doing well mentally and had the love and support of my wife. She has had issues in the past with my parents an sisters. I have always been closer to her than them, mainly because when she needed support and love I gave it without judgement. Now she is returning that to me! iam not super close to her, but I knew she would be supportive and actually say things that an ally would say, and that she would mean those words.

My younger sisters took it how I thought she would. more details on that later. None the less, after we talked she called my parents (she still lives with them) and had a bit of a breakdown. My dad called mean to talk more after this happened. He hasn't said anything about it since I came out to them and we went on vacation several months back (before HRT).

He was in shock when I told him it was 2.5 months since I started HRT. It is hard to get upset with them and their concern, since I know it comes from a place of love. But it hurts hearing them constantly question my convictions, spirituality and intelligence. He ended the hour long call with a statement that wasn't mean, but hurt. He told me I was born his son, I will always be his son and he will never treat me or think of me as a woman.
This kind of love and wanting to keep a relationship while not supporting or acknowledging my proper gender will nd up limiting our future relationship health and interactions. Once I walk down this path further and present all the time as female, there is no way that myself or my wife and kids will feel comfortable being around them. Say we go to an amusement park. Is he going to call me by my (granted, androgynous) dead name and say son when I am clearly female? They won't feel comfortable with me using the women's restroom. The always voted against those legislations.

It just seems to me that anyone who puts a limit on their support or acceptance is also putting a limit on our relationship. I want to thank the wise advice I received from you ladies earlier about not saying anything I would later regret. I remained calm, kind and non confrontational the entire conversation. I told him he can always ask questions and reminded him that I never have tried to tell him he is wrong for feeling the way he does nor tried to change his mind. I feel like that sunk in a bit for him.

None the less, the phone call with him was the subject of my first personal diary entry in my new journal! It was the first time I signed something with my new signature. The signature, on the bright side, was very fun learning what felt right as I experimented with my female name!

Despite the tough conversations, my self esteem is still higher than it has ever been. Why? Because I love who I am! I am a much more happy woman than I ever was a man. My mind is cleared of fog and my heart is refreshed. I am prepared to see this journey on until the end!

Lacy

@RealLacy
Dear Lacy:
Thank you for sharing your wonderful and affirming update and report on your thread.

Coming out, especially to family members, and receiving support and acceptance is a wonderful feeling and is like a big weight is off of your shoulders... no more hiding secrets.
Hopefully you can eventually gain acceptance from your younger sister as you had mentioned her in your previous posts.

Personally for me I found that Dads are the difficult ones to deal with... well, anyway for me with my Dad, after 2+ years of being Full-Time ... and announcing to him my transition 4 years ago, my Dad still will hardly speak to me and when he does he uses my dead name and wrong pronouns and nouns.... undoubtedly on purpose.  Certainly very hurtful to me but I do understand how difficult it must be for a parent... so I forgive him automatically.

Yes indeed, I think that I had mentioned to you in a previous posting about not saying things in the heat of the moment that you may regret later....  our parents and family will always be our parents and family so we need to respect that fact... and when tragic things may happen in our families we definitely do not want regrets for words that we spoke that will always be remembered and can never be taken back.

Ahhh... I am so glad that you are keeping a personal pen & paper journal in addition to what you share on the forums in your transition thread. 
I much enjoyed your comment about signing your journal with your new name!  So much fun and joy... and very affirming for sure.

Many rainy, cold, snowy nights I will sit in front of my fireplace and leaf through my personal journal and sometimes read for hours... sometimes with tears of joy, and perhaps times of sadness.  My journal is full of colorful doodling, drawings and a few photographs.   
Personal journals are great therapy as we can write our our very personal feelings and thoughts as we deal with our life issues...  it helps us to formulate positive solutions and feelings when we do.

Thank you again Lacy for feeling free to share with your followers.
We are you biggest fans and we are always rooting for you.

Many HUGS and lots of well wishes as you continue on.
Danielle

Quote from: RealLacy on January 21, 2019, 12:48:31 PM

Despite the tough conversations, my self esteem is still higher than it has ever been. Why? Because I love who I am! I am a much more happy woman than I ever was a man. My mind is cleared of fog and my heart is refreshed. I am prepared to see this journey on until the end!

Lacy

And this, my dear Lacy, is all that counts!  I learned along the line that all who really love you, will find their way back to you once they were able to digest the news. And those who don't are not worth to be part of your life anyway!

Life is to short to be surrounded by grumpy, unhappy people!  As long as your are happy that happiness will reflect onto your environment and make others who feel for you, to be happy, too!

I still go as a guy once in a while, if it is of advantage to me.  But my friends always tell m that they don't see any sparkle in my eyes when I am in guy mode.
And that is it, being the person who one is destined to be, brings the sparkle into ones eyes!

Keep on going my sister, the path is adventurous, but also beautiful!

Love
Linde

Dads... amirite? Lacy, it sounds like you're doing this the right way leaving the doors open but setting the tone. I'm really proud of you! I think your Dad will come around given time. As my sister often reminds me, they don't really have a choice if they want to be part of your life. That's the reality. Once they see you as a full-time woman, how can they possibly expect you to walk into the men's room. LOL. 

Now, since you're sharing, let's get some pics! Let's see that signature. I expect LOOPS and FLOURISHES. XD

Lacy,
I'm so glad things are working out with your wife. I'm envious of how far you've come in such a short time. We each have our own story. Good luck in your journey.

Quote from: elle's bells on February 02, 2019, 05:22:08 AM
Dads... amirite? Lacy, it sounds like you're doing this the right way leaving the doors open but setting the tone. I'm really proud of you! I think your Dad will come around given time. As my sister often reminds me, they don't really have a choice if they want to be part of your life. That's the reality. Once they see you as a full-time woman, how can they possibly expect you to walk into the men's room. LOL. 

Now, since you're sharing, let's get some pics! Let's see that signature. I expect LOOPS and FLOURISHES. XD

Lovely@Bree!

I hope you are right! I have given it a lot of thought and I think the reason Dads can have such a hard time with this kind of news is because most Father/Son relationships differ greatly from Father/Daughter. They have shared their "wisdom" and knowledge that they have gathered regarding women and pass it on to their boys like a precious treasure. The conversations they might have with sons can touch topics and go places that they never would with daughters. I also think there is a bit of a feeling that their own masculinity is threatened. They immediately start analyzing everything they ever did with their son and every conversation. They try to figure out what happened and why. In the case of having an only son among daughters (that was my situation growing up) seeing there "son" change into a female has to be a bit frightening for them and painful. The most common male reaction to fear is anger or frustration.
I find it interesting, that even with all that in play I would say that out of all my family, my dad as been the most real and most transparent with me in regards to his concerns and the feelings of not being able to "Fix" the "Problem" that caused his middle child so much pain and depression during their youth and young adult life.

Despite everything the love I have for my dad is great. I will do everything possible in my power to keep our relationship and help him transition with me.

(https://imgur.com/iXLj3HZ)

I attached a picture, but for some reason it isn't showing up!

Quote from: Dietlind on January 21, 2019, 02:07:24 PM
And this, my dear Lacy, is all that counts!  I learned along the line that all who really love you, will find their way back to you once they were able to digest the news. And those who don't are not worth to be part of your life anyway!

Life is to short to be surrounded by grumpy, unhappy people!  As long as your are happy that happiness will reflect onto your environment and make others who feel for you, to be happy, too!

I still go as a guy once in a while, if it is of advantage to me.  But my friends always tell m that they don't see any sparkle in my eyes when I am in guy mode.
And that is it, being the person who one is destined to be, brings the sparkle into ones eyes!

Keep on going my sister, the path is adventurous, but also beautiful!

Love
Linde

@Linde
You are always so encouraging in your posts! I complete agree with you that those family and friend relationships that are meant to last will stand through this. I am doing my best to give everyone the freedom and space they need to process things and understand how much our relationships will change because of this. It can be so hard, but transitioning teaches nothing if not the virtue of patience!
Getting rid of the negative energy is very important. I look back on pictures that were taken at the height of my happiness as a man...the eyes look dead. The smile turns cold quickly and the frost of it can't seem to make it to my eyes.

My smiles now days are glowing, and I feel a joy that I haven't felt before.

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on January 21, 2019, 01:14:57 PM
@RealLacy
Dear Lacy:
Thank you for sharing your wonderful and affirming update and report on your thread.

Coming out, especially to family members, and receiving support and acceptance is a wonderful feeling and is like a big weight is off of your shoulders... no more hiding secrets.
Hopefully you can eventually gain acceptance from your younger sister as you had mentioned her in your previous posts.

Personally for me I found that Dads are the difficult ones to deal with... well, anyway for me with my Dad, after 2+ years of being Full-Time ... and announcing to him my transition 4 years ago, my Dad still will hardly speak to me and when he does he uses my dead name and wrong pronouns and nouns.... undoubtedly on purpose.  Certainly very hurtful to me but I do understand how difficult it must be for a parent... so I forgive him automatically.[/b]

Yes indeed, I think that I had mentioned to you in a previous posting about not saying things in the heat of the moment that you may regret later....  our parents and family will always be our parents and family so we need to respect that fact... and when tragic things may happen in our families we definitely do not want regrets for words that we spoke that will always be remembered and can never be taken back.

Ahhh... I am so glad that you are keeping a personal pen & paper journal in addition to what you share on the forums in your transition thread. 
I much enjoyed your comment about signing your journal with your new name!  So much fun and joy... and very affirming for sure.

Personal journals are great therapy as we can write our our very personal feelings and thoughts as we deal with our life issues...  it helps us to formulate positive solutions and feelings when we do.

Thank you again Lacy for feeling free to share with your followers.
We are you biggest fans and we are always rooting for you.

Many HUGS and lots of well wishes as you continue on.
Danielle

@Danielle,
I have used your experiences with you family as a way to encourage myself. I appreciate everything you have shared with us about your journey. It is so helpful! I had such a great relationship with my dad. One of the things he asked me, that probably hurt worse than him telling me he woud never accept me as his daughter was his doubts on whether the good times we had were faked on my part. We would fish together a lot growing up. He took me hunting, we watched sports. I reassured him that none of that was fake. Our relationship was real and those kind of activities were not going to have to go away. I still go fishing a lot! My kids love it and it is a time for me to relax and be refreshed by nature.

Going through so much emotional challenges and processing the idea of transitioning has a way of taking things that should be second nature and obscuring it. Having you remind me to stay on the high road, even when it really hurts to, has been so helpful. Anytime I talk to anybody about being transgender I keep this in the front of my mind. I don't want to regret anything in regards to my personal relationships, and I also do not want my actions to effect the transgender community as a whole. So thank you for your wisdom!

Finding my new signature was really fun! I have always disliked my signature, but getting to write it every time I make a journal entry is so fun! I literally have an entire page of my journal that is just covered with different styles of my signature! If someone ever got into it, they would think I am self obsessed!
Having a community to share everything that goes on in the transtion journey is great for support. But nothing beats a book just for me that I can keep the (small to others) big moments that happen and the most personal of thoughts in. I found a great place that sells hand made leather journals, and just adore it! Another thank your for the suggestion!

Quote from: Jaime320 on February 03, 2019, 09:56:41 AM
Lacy,
I'm so glad things are working out with your wife. I'm envious of how far you've come in such a short time. We each have our own story. Good luck in your journey.

Thank you @Jaime!
It was very difficult at first. Even now, she doesn't feel like she is any more supportive than she was, but she is by legions.
I did have a bad day on Monday in regards to being anxious about her leaving me. We have both acted in community theatre and I worked for a year for a production company on a play that played theatres around Colorado. We have done enough work to understand that on stage relationships are not something that interferes with real life relationships.
That being said, she is auditioning for Beauty and the Beast with our local acting troupe. After her weekend of auditions I had horrible dreams on Sunday night about her leaving me for another person. A masculine man instead of her new wife! She has said she won't leave me, but there is still plenty of time and much more drastic steps that will be taken in my transition. I am still preparing myself for the worst. I had managed to put it on the back burner for the past few months but I apparently still have some major doubts about how our future will go. I just keep reminding myself that worrying about just a possibility is a waste of time and energy.

Thank you to everyone that continues to follow my journey, and for the support you all give!
Lacy

I am two weeks past my 3 Months on HRT. I figure it is time for an update on my progress so far.

Breast development has been noticeable. I have had periods every few weeks were my breasts are sore and then become extremely tender. This has made it to where I were a bralette daily to protect them! I got a few Razor Backs from Aerie that are super comfortable and breathable. Vertically on the back is silver writing that says "Let the real me shine!" I love them! My wife was actually the one who found those for me.
One of the first things I learned about bras:
Wear a nude color under white shirts! I figured white would be the ticket, but that is very visible. The more you know!
Before HRT my areolas were 20mm in diameter. They are now about 30mm. The color seems to slowly be changing a bit and the nipple appears to be growing as well. They look smoother than before. I doubt I actually hit a cup size unless there is something less than A. That said if I wear a t-shirt sans bra my breast development is easily seen. Since I still have a male looking figure they can appear to be moobish in nature. Another reason for the bras!

My hair seems to be much more annoying since my 2 month update. It is still growing nicely, but it gets frizzy easier. I can go a few days without washing it before it looks greasy. Realistically it is long enough that I could get a female style in it, but I have decided to just let it grow for a couple more months. I have a specific style I would like and don't feel the need to rush into a style.

I noticed my pubic area smells differently than it used to. Not that I ever really noticed a smell, but now there are times that I can smell a smell that is unfamiliar. Nothing bad, just new.

Shaving is having to be done less and less. I have a growing patch on my chest where hair no longer grows! Yippee! My skin needs lotion all the time! especially my legs. A solid bath in lotion is required after each shower and leg shave!

I am much more self reflective and comfortable with who I am. I regularly wear female shoes to work, including boots with a very decent heel. Being 5' 11" already, that gives me a decent boost. It works though, because a good portion of the women I work with are taller and pull that style off. I actually have gotten a lot of compliments on my shoes!
I didn't stop there. I were womens' sweaters and jeans to work as well. Not all the time, but 2 to 3 times a week. Most of the time the look is not completely feminine. I am simply at the point where I am easing my new style into everyone's life so that the full effect will be less jarring.
I am now called a fashionista by some of the women around my age. They apparently are comfortable with the fact that I am confident wearing clothes that are against the norm for "men". My office is between two other women, and there was a day when a work friend of mine came down the hall to our offices and looked in on myself and my HR friend and said "good morning ladies!" She then caught herself and tried to play it off as an accident. I smiled hard inside!

My emotions and mood have been fairly level since the 1 month mark. It may sound weird but I feal like I hit a plateau with my hormone dose. I had an appointment yesterday and had my dosages doubled. Today is the first day on the larger amounts, so I hope to see more changes happen.

My goal is to begin loosing some weight and carving out more of a athletic figure like I used to have. Weight is harder to shed on HRT, but I have no doubt I can do it. I want to drop about 25 pounds over the next few months.

My mind is so far ahead of my body that it feels more and more weird looking into the mirror and seeing a man. I try not to focus to much on physical changes, as that is about as exciting as watching grass grow. If I do a good enough job not paying much attention to things, then every month when I take a picture I am able to bask in the small changes I see.

I have found that Confidence and Kindness are infectious. My smile reaches my eyes now, and in another 3 months I imagine the distance that I will be at will be very enjoyable! Stay the course and enjoy life as much as you can. Don't let your transition consume every thought you have!

Lacy

Quote from: RealLacy on February 07, 2019, 03:51:56 PM
I am two weeks past my 3 Months on HRT. I figure it is time for an update on my progress so far.

Breast development has been noticeable. I have had periods every few weeks were my breasts are sore and then become extremely tender. This has made it to where I were a bralette daily to protect them! I got a few Razor Backs from Aerie that are super comfortable and breathable. Vertically on the back is silver writing that says "Let the real me shine!" I love them! My wife was actually the one who found those for me.

You are one week ahead of me on HRT.  However, I had a solid headstart over you in all things looking female, because I went into it with a rather female looking body already.
My breasts are a now about a 34 C, (I use the 34 bandwidth as my measuring standard).  In reality, I am a 42 bandwidth, and just decided that I need to upgrade from an A to a B cup.  I still can hide the girls in some way, if I wear a very tight fitting t-shirt and over that a shirt with breast pockets.
You have to get used to the girls hurting, that is my daily feeling or over three years now, one learns to move in a way that the boobies are not hitting anything.  And I started to dislike people who want to hug me really good, because these hugs mean instand pain!

QuoteThe watching grass grow. If I do a good enough job not paying much attention to things, then every month when I take a picture I am able to bask in the small changes I see.

I have found that Confidence and Kindness are infectious. My smile reaches my eyes now, and in another 3 months I imagine the distance that I will be at will be very enjoyable! Stay the course and enjoy life as much as you can. Don't let your transition consume every thought you have!

Lacy

I do not take any pictures of my development, because it just gets to be t much after a while.  You have to remember that you will be doing this watching gras grow thing for about 3 to 5 years (I am at 3 years already, and the girls still hurt).  My milestones are the changes of my body, how well it fits into female clothing.  I discovered that the typical male muscle contours of my butt (the holes at the side of the butt) are gone now, and filled with bacon (I guess).

I fit now for quite a while already into normal sized female clothing, and my goal is to loose about 20 lbs to be able to wear one size smaller of the stuff.

I hope that you will have continuous success in the feminization of your body!

@RealLacy
Dear Lacy:
Thank you so very much for posting your 3½ month HRT update.
I am happy to read about your breast development and also how your wife helped you to select bras that work for you. ...  how special is that!!!!!   I am thinking that soon enough you will encounter some difficulty hiding them from view through your shirts and tops.... in my opinion you should enjoy that good news.

Regarding body smell, yes indeed "we" do smell differently that before HRT...   the hormones are altering our body chemisty and thus our body shape, and it just will do that more significantly as you continue on.   You have noticed other changes such as reduced body hair growth as well.

I like how you described your appearance in your work environment, easing into your feminine self and doing it in baby steps is probably a good plan as your co-workers learn how to accept your transition and eventually start using your new name and using the correct pronouns as you continue to slowly show up in more and more feminine attire, painted nails, makeup, hairstyles, etc.

Regarding emotions and your mental attitudes, the hormones are working in those areas also.   When watching movies or hearing stories about other people's difficulties I now find myself with tears in my eyes and kind, tender and compassionate feelings more that I ever did as my old self.   I like that change a lot.

As you have probably already read in many of my past posts around the forums I always give the advice that Patience is Required for HRT... nothing usually happens as quickly as we all desire with HRT, but it will happen.
What you read about others and their HRT experiences you will most likely not experience exactly what they have experienced.   Your unique body and genes will react to HRT uniquely.   Some will experience more significant changes more quickly and some will experience less significant changes more slowly.   As is said frequently here on the Forums....   YMMV ... Your Mileage May Vary.

I am eagerly looking forward to reading more of your HRT transition updates as you feel so led to post them.
Hugs and many more hugs and well wishes.
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on February 07, 2019, 09:09:50 PM
@RealLacy
Dear Lacy:


Regarding body smell, yes indeed "we" do smell differently that before HRT...   the hormones are altering our body chemisty and thus our body shape, and it just will do that more significantly as you continue on.   You have noticed other changes such as reduced body hair growth as well.

Danielle[/b]

I am kind of sad that you formr cis males can experience all those sensations of change, which I can't!
I do not smell anything different with my body odors, I have no hair and can't se any reduction in growth, I went into the thing with decent sized breasts already.
I mean, it is way either for me to become a woman, because my body is female to a large extend already, but I wish I would tose checks and balances that you ladies have.
The only changes I feel are that  need a larger bra, that my butt starts to get bigger, and that I have more or less edema in my feet and ankles!

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on February 07, 2019, 09:09:50 PM
@RealLacy
Dear Lacy:
Thank you so very much for posting your 3½ month HRT update.
I am happy to read about your breast development and also how your wife helped you to select bras that work for you. ...  how special is that!!!!!   I am thinking that soon enough you will encounter some difficulty hiding them from view through your shirts and tops.... in my opinion you should enjoy that good news.

Regarding body smell, yes indeed "we" do smell differently that before HRT...   the hormones are altering our body chemisty and thus our body shape, and it just will do that more significantly as you continue on.   You have noticed other changes such as reduced body hair growth as well.

I like how you described your appearance in your work environment, easing into your feminine self and doing it in baby steps is probably a good plan as your co-workers learn how to accept your transition and eventually start using your new name and using the correct pronouns as you continue to slowly show up in more and more feminine attire, painted nails, makeup, hairstyles, etc.

Regarding emotions and your mental attitudes, the hormones are working in those areas also.   When watching movies or hearing stories about other people's difficulties I now find myself with tears in my eyes and kind, tender and compassionate feelings more that I ever did as my old self.   I like that change a lot.

As you have probably already read in many of my past posts around the forums I always give the advice that Patience is Required for HRT... nothing usually happens as quickly as we all desire with HRT, but it will happen.
What you read about others and their HRT experiences you will most likely not experience exactly what they have experienced.   Your unique body and genes will react to HRT uniquely.   Some will experience more significant changes more quickly and some will experience less significant changes more slowly.   As is said frequently here on the Forums....   YMMV ... Your Mileage May Vary.

I am eagerly looking forward to reading more of your HRT transition updates as you feel so led to post them.
Hugs and many more hugs and well wishes.
Danielle

@Danielle,
I very much look forward to not being able to hide my breast growth! I feel more and more ready to be fully out to everyone. Going through the process of breast growth and bra shopping, I have much more respect and understanding for cis-women. Until you go through the difficulties of all this, you can't fully understand the amount of inconvenience there is just to buy something that fits correctly! Men have it so easy, and they have no idea!

To be honest one of my main concerns when starting HRT was getting rid of my chest hair. The fact that it is thinning out and getting patchy is so amazing! I found little information on the reduction of chest hair before starting hormones. I am hoping that this trend continues and I don't have to worry about hair removal except on my face.

One super exciting thing happened at my appointment. I had mentioned earlier that my insurance had changed and I was loosing my Psychiatrist and Psychologist. The insurance still covered my internal medicine doctor, thank God!
@JanePlain recommended some electrologists in Chicago. I called them and they said that some of their patents where able to have insurance cover their facial hair removal. I asked them what I needed to do, and the first step was to call my insurance and see what they covered. I was told that electrology was covered if it was deemed medically necessary. I just need my doctor to draft a letter stating as much and provide medical records that show the same. I will be provided receipts and medical codes from the electo clinic. It sounds like this insurance will end up being better in the end!
I spoke with my doctor at my appointment and she drafted the letter and made notes in my file. I should be able to get almost all my facial hair removed within the calendar year, as well as lower hair removal for surgery if I am ready. I was so excited I could barely breathe! If everything goes through that will be saving me over $10k! I can't wait.

I was also told that the clinic I go to has free psychologists and that when I'm ready they would be able to provide me with the 2 letters needing to move forward with GCS. I honestly am in shell shock mode! News like this was definitely needed!

Thank you for following up thread and continuing to provide support!

Many Hugs,
Lacy

Lacy, I am so happy for you!! It seems that things are falling into place, and your path is becoming clearer. I wish you continued success in your journey!

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 08, 2019, 02:37:25 PM
Lacy, I am so happy for you!! It seems that things are falling into place, and your path is becoming clearer. I wish you continued success in your journey!

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Thank you Jessica!

I am excited for you as well with your upcoming 2019 accomplishments! I think this is going to be a good year for many!

Lacy

As I mentioned above, my dosages of HRT were increased last week. I started the new increased dose on Thursday.

Since Monday morning I have woken up with terrible nausea and have vomited. I didn't eat any food all day Monday. I just wasn't hungry.
Yesterday was similar, the vomiting was not nearly as bad. I ate my normal 2 meals, lunch and dinner.
Today I again have nausea, but not quite so bad as the previous days. No vomiting. The upset feeling lasts all day. I have no other poor feelings. No temperature, body aches or head aches.

I am wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar after an increase in dosages. If I'm alone in this, I suppose it could be something else. It has been less intense each new day, so whatever the cause I feel I'm on the downside of it.

If any of you have experienced the same I would feel a lot less crummy about it!
Lacy

Sorry you are feeling sick!

I have heard of other trans women complaining of morning sickness after an increase in dosage.  No such experience myself.  However, given the variety and nastiness of things that can cause nausea, it would be prudent to get it checked out.

Quote from: RealLacy on February 13, 2019, 08:51:42 AM
As I mentioned above, my dosages of HRT were increased last week. I started the new increased dose on Thursday.

Since Monday morning I have woken up with terrible nausea and have vomited. I didn't eat any food all day Monday. I just wasn't hungry.
Yesterday was similar, the vomiting was not nearly as bad. I ate my normal 2 meals, lunch and dinner.
Today I again have nausea, but not quite so bad as the previous days. No vomiting. The upset feeling lasts all day. I have no other poor feelings. No temperature, body aches or head aches.

I am wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar after an increase in dosages. If I'm alone in this, I suppose it could be something else. It has been less intense each new day, so whatever the cause I feel I'm on the downside of it.

If any of you have experienced the same I would feel a lot less crummy about it!
Lacy

@RealLacy
Dear Lacy:
Hmmmm.......  Morning Sickness perhaps !!! ;) ;) ;) :D ;D

To answer your question, I experienced some nausea for about a week or so at the start of my HRT...
... but never to the point of vomiting.

I guess that is all part of the "exciting" HRT journey!!!

Hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on February 13, 2019, 03:17:04 PM
@RealLacy
Dear Lacy:
Hmmmm.......  Morning Sickness perhaps !!! ;) ;) ;) :D ;D

To answer your question, I experienced some nausea for about a week or so at the start of my HRT...
... but never to the point of vomiting.

I guess that is all part of the "exciting" HRT journey!!!

Hugs,
Danielle

I was like you, the first week on estrogen created this semi pregnancy feeling.  With high desire to eat sour and salty food.  But it all went away after about a week.

Quote from: RealLacy on February 13, 2019, 08:51:42 AM

Since Monday morning I have woken up with terrible nausea and have vomited. I didn't eat any food all day Monday. I just wasn't hungry.

I experienced the same when I started HRT, and did vomit, I felt like that for about 3 days.. when my dosages changed I only felt nausea for a day or two.

now get injection every two weeks, and I just get very emotional for a day or so. My husband calls it my period.. (shame he suffers with a woman on her period twice a month.. poor man)

@KathyLauren  @Alaskan Danielle  @Dietlind  @noleen111,

Thank you ladies for responding to my query! It was a rough couple days, but each day seemed to be a bit better.

Kathy, I was thinking the same thing you expressed and was planning to call my doctor today if things were still bad!

I didn't feel any of this when I first began HRT, so I was a bit surprised that I experienced it now! I ended up doing a bit of research on morning sickness (all day sickness really!) yesterday and read several pregnancy boards to see what most women try to decrease the feelings.

Want ended up working for me was:
Apple with Peanut Butter. It was easy on my stomach and gave me both natural sugar and protein that I was missing from not eating!
Crackers...I found some Ritz crackers and ate a few of those this morning. That eased my nausea.
Home Made Ginger Lemonade! My wife made me some last night and another glass this morning for my 45 minute drive to work. Both the ginger and lemon were recommended to fit nausea.

I feel much better today. This also ends week one of the higher dose. I suppose if I have to deal with morning sickness for a week ever few months that isn't too terrible! One benefit I suppose is that I know my body is taking in the extra goodies!

One more uncomfortable but appreciated experience on my journey!
Lacy

So my close friend who is the Operations Manager and HR Manager at work had a gift bag sitting on my desk at work on Thursday. Inside was an inspirational plaque.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190216/5142444430f816f31d952844e87025ca.jpg)

On the back she wrote "I can't wait to see you be you!"

Easily the best Valentine's gift I have ever received.
She also told me that she was officially my older sister and that made me her younger sister! That made me feel so special, seeing as my older sister has made it clear that she doesn't accept who I am!

It just goes to show that not all family is related by blood. From now on I will refer to her in my posts as my "Cister" instead of close friend!
Lacy

Hey Lacy:

I am so jealous but extremely happy that your journey is moving forward.  That is excellent!
My craving was bacon...on everything.

I am sorry I haven't responded sooner with support.  I have been very selfishly internal.  I am very sorry for all the pain you have suffered from your family but it really means a lot to also see the wonderful positives in your life. 

It builds my hope.

Warm wishes and hugs,

Emma

Lacy, this was a real nice gift!

Emma, stop that silly thing about being selfish!  You are not, you just have a lot going on in your current life that has to be dealt with!  It is not selfish if one has to take care of ones own needs, because only after they are done, you are able to take care of others!

Big hugs to the two of you, you really deserve them!
Linde

Quote from: Emma1017 on February 16, 2019, 10:22:49 AM
Hey Lacy:

I am so jealous but extremely happy that your journey is moving forward.  That is excellent!
My craving was bacon...on everything.

I am sorry I haven't responded sooner with support.  I have been very selfishly internal.  I am very sorry for all the pain you have suffered from your family but it really means a lot to also see the wonderful positives in your life. 

It builds my hope.

Warm wishes and hugs,

Emma

Emma! You have nothing to apologize for! Everyone has to make sure they are taking care of themselves during this time! You look fabulous in your picture!

I look forward to continuing to read your journey through this time in your life as well!

I believe we started HRT at the same time, so it is nice to be able to see how others are doing during the same timeline!

Hugs,
Lacy

Well today is my 4 month mark on HRT! Time to post another picture. I am wearing no other makeup other than some lipstick. The picture is also filter free. I just have some black accent around it!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190226/fe9760fb77040885b73c3638e4135180.jpg)

I am pretty pleased with it! The funny thing is that the lipstick I am wearing is from Mary Kay. My older sister bought it for my wife as a birthday gift. My wife is allergic to MK so she gave it to me.

Thanks sister for supporting your younger sister unknowingly!!

I had my eyebrows "threaded" yesterday. It was incredible! So much more comfortable than waxing and no residue left over. The technician also massaged cooling lotion over them after. $10 for the whole experience! That is going to become part of my regular beauty treatments!
If any of you have never tried it, I highly recommend it!

My Cister from work told me today that she is getting excited for me to come out to the rest of work. She feels bad that she still has to refer to me with male pronouns and can't call me Lacy. She told me she knows it is a trigger for me and it upsets her when she has to do it.

I am really ready to start coming out to more people. I came out to another friend of mine who is the Billing Manager. She is sooo sweet and supportive. After I told her about myselg, she had a conversation with one of the owners and told him how scared she was for me and how others would treat me. I was reassured by her and my Cister that they would be kicking ass if anyone talks crap about Lacy!

It is amazing the support I am getting at work. I couldn't ask for a better group of people to work with.

I love expressing my female self and look forward to what this next month brings.
Lacy!

@RealLacy
Dear Lacy:
Wow... that was a wonderful 4 month HTR report that you just posted. 
You are having such terrific progress with your HRT changes, you look absolutely beautiful in your new photo that you shared with us.

I am looking forward to you having continued success at your work eventually coming out at work and in all of your situations as "Lacy."

Thank you so much for your update and please continue keeping all of your followers tuned in... we are all your biggest fans and we are rooting for your success.

Hugs and best wishes as always,
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on February 25, 2019, 08:05:36 PM
@RealLacy
Dear Lacy:
Wow... that was a wonderful 4 month HTR report that you just posted. 
You are having such terrific progress with your HRT changes, you look absolutely beautiful in your new photo that you shared with us.

I am looking forward to you having continued success at your work eventually coming out at work and in all of your situations as "Lacy."

Thank you so much for your update and please continue keeping all of your followers tuned in... we are all your biggest fans and we are rooting for your success.

Hugs and best wishes as always,
Danielle

Thank you so much Danielle! Your post on here are always so encouraging! Your support is very appreciated. I feel so blessed to have a community like this one that is always there for you! Reading everyone else's stories is what makes me find the courage to make the decisions to move forward step by step!

I also look forward to being able to share my successes (hopefully no failures, except male fails) at work. The time is coming. My plan is to be fully out on every aspect and living with a new legal name by my 30th birthday this August.

I have shared that with my wife so she has a few months to get used to the idea. In Iowa your spouse has to approve a name change! She has told me she will...I just am hoping she will be comfortable doing it when the time comes.

Lacy

Quote from: RealLacy on February 25, 2019, 07:58:33 PM
Well today is my 4 month mark on HRT! Time to post another picture. I am wearing no other makeup other than some lipstick. The picture is also filter free. I just have some black accent around it!

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190226/fe9760fb77040885b73c3638e4135180.jpg)

I am pretty pleased with it! The funny thing is that the lipstick I am wearing is from Mary Kay. My older sister bought it for my wife as a birthday gift. My wife is allergic to MK so she gave it to me.

Thanks sister for supporting your younger sister unknowingly!!

I had my eyebrows "threaded" yesterday. It was incredible! So much more comfortable than waxing and no residue left over. The technician also massaged cooling lotion over them after. $10 for the whole experience! That is going to become part of my regular beauty treatments!
If any of you have never tried it, I highly recommend it!


I love expressing my female self and look forward to what this next month brings.
Lacy!

Well young lady!
Now you have the female hairdo and all the looks with it!  Looking good I have to say! I like your eyebrows, I want something to be done with mine, too!
I don't know if threatening is the right thing for me, because my brows, like the rest of my facial hair, hardly grow at all.  I have to check with the beauty people!

Because you are only one month ahead of me with HRT, do you feel a lot of effects from it?  I hardly feel anything worth the while to mention.
I did not like spiro at all that stuff was messing with my head!  I wonder if I feel Estrogen better now that my body does not produce testosterone anymore?  For me, the best about the orch is that I do not have to take spiro anymore!  Never ever again!

I wish you further lots of luck, and hope that you can be fully out in the very near future!
Hugs
Linde

Hello Lacy,
    As you can see that I am back! I will email later. Nice pic! I am so glad for you!

Quote from: Dietlind on February 25, 2019, 10:26:19 PM
Well young lady!
Now you have the female hairdo and all the looks with it!  Looking good I have to say! I like your eyebrows, I want something to be done with mine, too!
I don't know if threatening is the right thing for me, because my brows, like the rest of my facial hair, hardly grow at all.  I have to check with the beauty people!

Because you are only one month ahead of me with HRT, do you feel a lot of effects from it?  I hardly feel anything worth the while to mention.
I did not like spiro at all that stuff was messing with my head!  I wonder if I feel Estrogen better now that my body does not produce testosterone anymore?  For me, the best about the orch is that I do not have to take spiro anymore!  Never ever again!

I wish you further lots of luck, and hope that you can be fully out in the very near future!
Hugs
Linde

Linde,
As always I appreciate your replies to the thread! I have experienced all the different methods of eyebrow grooming. Plunking, waxing and now threading. I definitely like threading the most. My wife didn't get her eyebrows threaded because they were already pretty thin. But she had waxed about a month earlier. I am sure that whatever beautician you go to will be able to suggest the best method for you!

I am as you said a bit ahead of you with HRT, but you have such a major jump on me with being intersex!
As far as "feeling" the hormones goes I didn't get the big difference feeling with the increased dosage. I did start crying for no darn reason when watching a movie last weekend. A movie that was in no way sad! I loved the feeling, but felt alien as well. I have never done that before and have no reason fo doing it. None the less streams of tears were making their way down!

I have followed your Ochie progress and and very excited for you! I have been somewhat quiet on the forums recently, but am very happy that you were able to quit spiro!
The pharmacy messed up my last refill and did not account for the dosage increase. I didn't catch it and ran out last Sunday. The pharmacy said they could not refill it as it had not been long enough. I was without it for about 5 days before my doctor was able to call the pharmacist and tell them to give me a refill.
By the end of the week I could feel my brain getting all foggy and could sense the Testosterone creeping back in. It was a horrible feeling. Almost like a caffeine high. It made me rather unpleasant to be around.

That being said, I am doing well overall. I believe my breasts have gone through 2 more growth spurts and if I am starting to read the new signs of my body, I could be expecting a third one coming soon! It is exciting to see actual growth happen!

Hugs,
Lacy

Quote from: MarshaJoy825 on March 12, 2019, 10:11:54 AM
Hello Lacy,
    As you can see that I am back! I will email later. Nice pic! I am so glad for you!

Marsha!
I am so happy to read this! My stomach jumped for excitement! I got your email and will definitely be responding to it in the morning!

Thank you for the complement on the photo!
Lacy

Quote from: RealLacy on March 12, 2019, 11:32:19 PM
Linde,
As always I appreciate your replies to the thread! I have experienced all the different methods of eyebrow grooming. Plunking, waxing and now threading. I definitely like threading the most. My wife didn't get her eyebrows threaded because they were already pretty thin. But she had waxed about a month earlier. I am sure that whatever beautician you go to will be able to suggest the best method for you!

I am as you said a bit ahead of you with HRT, but you have such a major jump on me with being intersex!
As far as "feeling" the hormones goes I didn't get the big difference feeling with the increased dosage. I did start crying for no darn reason when watching a movie last weekend. A movie that was in no way sad! I loved the feeling, but felt alien as well. I have never done that before and have no reason fo doing it. None the less streams of tears were making their way down!

I have followed your Ochie progress and and very excited for you! I have been somewhat quiet on the forums recently, but am very happy that you were able to quit spiro!
The pharmacy messed up my last refill and did not account for the dosage increase. I didn't catch it and ran out last Sunday. The pharmacy said they could not refill it as it had not been long enough. I was without it for about 5 days before my doctor was able to call the pharmacist and tell them to give me a refill.
By the end of the week I could feel my brain getting all foggy and could sense the Testosterone creeping back in. It was a horrible feeling. Almost like a caffeine high. It made me rather unpleasant to be around.

That being said, I am doing well overall. I believe my breasts have gone through 2 more growth spurts and if I am starting to read the new signs of my body, I could be expecting a third one coming soon! It is exciting to see actual growth happen!

Hugs,
Lacy

Good evening Lacy!
What bra size are you now in?  I am at a good 40 B in the left side, and at a wanna be 40 B on the right side,  But as you said, I have some head start.  I can't identify any growth spurts, my girls just hurt ll the time, probably a little more so, since I doubled the estrogen dose.
The crying thing is something, isn't it?  I too feel really good be able now to let my emotions come out.  I was crying in the car again the other day, because there was a semi sad story on PBS.

I am still glad that I had the orchi done, just not to have to take spiro makes it worth the while already.  I really disliked the stuff.  A side benefit of the orchi for me is that I walk now more like a natal female, which means, I put my feet almost in front of each other when I walk, because there is nothing that could be squashed anymore between my legs.

My next task is now to get my name and gender changed, to make me into a legal female, and once that is done, I set my eyes on SRS.  But I do not need that to feel like a female, I almost feel like a cis female (that intersex thing may come to play herewith, too), and consider SRS to be more some kind of involved cosmetic procedure than changing my femininity dramatically.
Some contributors here say one never can stop to be a transgender person, I think that this does not really apply to me, because I still feel more like reclaiming my original body than being actually transgender.  I don't know if that is kind of a philosophy I made up for myself to do the entire process pretty much free of any dysphoria, or if that can be considered to be reality?  I think I have to ask my therapist about this the next time.

I wish you all the best on your further way, and still feel that you are a pretty darn good looking woman!

Hugs
Linde

Quote from: RealLacy on March 12, 2019, 11:34:08 PM

Marsha!
I am so happy to read this! My stomach jumped for excitement! I got your email and will definitely be responding to it in the morning!

Thank you for the complement on the photo!
Lacy

I will be looking forward to hearing from you!

Hi Lacy:

I just caught up on your thread...how really great to see how far you have gotten.  Sorry about the nausea but I hope you get through that phase quickly.

I love your photo and I absolutely love the smile on your face, pure happiness.

I am going slower than you in my process.  I have to stretch over the next 18 months for personal and professional reasons...sigh. 

Reading your thread I feel your excitement!

Warmest wishes,

Emma

Sorry for my absence. Thanks to everyone who messaged me. I'm doing okay.bit has been a rough 3 weeks.

I've been going through some depression and family issues. To top it off I was in a car accident and totaled my vehicle.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190405/6aba3671185153e4bd7958292c9cfe1c.jpg)

No major injuries to myself or the other driver, but I have been recovering. I will share more later.

Hugs,
Lacy

Wow! What a wreck! I am so glad that you or the other person didn't have major injuries. I am so sorry to hear that you have had a rough time.  Hugs, Marsha

Quote from: Lacy on April 05, 2019, 02:37:01 PM
Sorry for my absence. Thanks to everyone who messaged me. I'm doing okay.bit has been a rough 3 weeks.

I've been going through some depression and family issues. To top it off I was in a car accident and totaled my vehicle.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190405/6aba3671185153e4bd7958292c9cfe1c.jpg)

No major injuries to myself or the other driver, but I have been recovering. I will share more later.

Hugs,
Lacy

Wow, why do you have to copy us old folks (Chris and I) with those car plays?  I am so glad nobody got really hurt, but I know the shock feeling, I had a similar looking car about 4 years ago!

I hope you will be back on track with your life soon, and continue on the  transition highway!
Lots of hugs!
Linde

Quote from: Lacy on April 05, 2019, 02:37:01 PM
Sorry for my absence. Thanks to everyone who messaged me. I'm doing okay.bit has been a rough 3 weeks.

I've been going through some depression and family issues. To top it off I was in a car accident and totaled my vehicle.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190405/6aba3671185153e4bd7958292c9cfe1c.jpg)

No major injuries to myself or the other driver, but I have been recovering. I will share more later.

Hugs,
Lacy

Glad to hear you're okay!

Quote from: Dietlind on March 13, 2019, 12:35:45 AM
Good evening Lacy!
What bra size are you now in?  I am at a good 40 B in the left side, and at a wanna be 40 B on the right side,  But as you said, I have some head start.  I can't identify any growth spurts, my girls just hurt ll the time, probably a little more so, since I doubled the estrogen dose.
The crying thing is something, isn't it?  I too feel really good be able now to let my emotions come out.

I wish you all the best on your further way, and still feel that you are a pretty darn good looking woman!

Hugs
Linde

Linde,
I am not at a point were I am in an actual cup size. I have some bralette that I wear. Those seem to be doing the trick right now for supporting my growth. I did go without one to work one day and almost poked my eye out! I looked down and couldn't believe how noticeable they were. Let's just say that doesn't happen much.

I appreciate the complement. I have not felt pretty at all lately. Since my increase of hormones I think the dysphoria is worse. My mind is moving so much faster than my body. It has been getting unbearable.

Quote from: Dietlind on April 06, 2019, 08:38:42 PM
Wow, why do you have to copy us old folks (Chris and I) with those car plays?  I am so glad nobody got really hurt, but I know the shock feeling, I had a similar looking car about 4 years ago!

I hope you will be back on track with your life soon, and continue on the  transition highway!
Lots of hugs!
Linde

I'm sorry to hear about your car accident as well. I'm glad you didn't get injured. I think most of my damage was done by the airbag. I hate shopping for cars. I should have a new one by this weekend however.!

Quote from: MarshaJoy825 on April 06, 2019, 07:26:17 AM
Wow! What a wreck! I am so glad that you or the other person didn't have major injuries. I am so sorry to hear that you have had a rough time.  Hugs, Marsha

Thank you Marsha!
Thank you for the emails and prayers. They were very much needed! You definitely were encouraging.

Love,
Lacy

Quote from: Lacy on April 08, 2019, 08:09:11 PM
Linde,
I am not at a point were I am in an actual cup size. I have some bralette that I wear. Those seem to be doing the trick right now for supporting my growth. I did go without one to work one day and almost poked my eye out! I looked down and couldn't believe how noticeable they were. Let's just say that doesn't happen much.

I appreciate the complement. I have not felt pretty at all lately. Since my increase of hormones I think the dysphoria is worse. My mind is moving so much faster than my body. It has been getting unbearable.

I'm sorry to hear about your car accident as well. I'm glad you didn't get injured. I think most of my damage was done by the airbag. I hate shopping for cars. I should have a new one by this weekend however.!

Don't forget that I have quite some head start over you with my boob growth.  That intersex thing forced me to wear a bra before I ever heard about HRT.  Without it, I might be at t similar point to you!
Now that I have had my oechi,Ii might move faster, because there is no T left to stop anything, but who knows?

I was a little more damaged in my accident, they had to cut my legs out with the yaws of life, because I had the engine kind of laying on them.  My biggest fear at that time was that the car might catch fire, while I am trapped in it.  And the first thing the rescuers did, when they arrived, was to cut the battery out.  After that they threw a blanket over me that glass and other stuff could not hurt me, and they slowly started to take the car apart to get me out.  I would have thought my legs would have been broken, but they found only heavy bruising and a badly twisted ankle at the ER in the hospital.  They kept me there overnight for observation, and I was free to go the next day, but was hurting pretty bad!