I wish I knew how to make a poll on this forum but can't find that option.
I wish I was the feminine gay type before I transitioned I would think this would be a lot easier. I wasn't overly masculine but the feminine traits I have I hid very well. I still find myself hiding them, then unhiding them. But somethings have to be relearned. I know it shouldn't matter but it does matter to me. Maybe that will change as I'm not obsessed with being passible like I used to.
I like numbers so I am curious how many trans people started out as the type of person where people said "you look or act like a girl" or "you would make a very good girl". The stereotypical feminine gay guy I'm wondering. For me it can still be a struggle because I'm not the touchy feely type, I realize that neither are many cis women, but it would help me play the part better. So much of how you are perceived is though actions and mannerisms. I just don't like being "in the middle".
I was a feminine straight guy. That's a tough combination to deal with. I had to work hard to study how "real" men behaved and try to copy them in order to pass as male. Being attracted only to women, I was able to delude myself that I was a straight man, which probably set my transition back several decades.
Life got a lot simpler and happier when I realized that I was a lesbian woman.
I've not transitioned but I can relate to how I am perceived now...
I try to present masculine... but I've had more than one woman say that I would make a good girl. Personally I don't see it (in terms of passing) but they seem to think so... which means I was failing at trying to present masculine.
Same as a teenager, was bullied because people thought I was gay/sissy even though I never did anything that would give that impression except I fought like a girl (claws out, hair pulling... etc.)...
So perhaps there is something in between the two types? Not overly masculine but not fem gay either.
I am uncomfortable at people invading my space and uncomfortable invading other people's space too. But there must be some vibes that I am giving off in my performance that is making observant people see something feminine in me. Online, people just assume that I am female until they hear my voice and it usually takes them by surprise. So perhaps it is the language that I use ??? The first two people I came out to, said it made a lot of sense now they knew, that there was something off about me that they couldn't pinpoint.
But I try? tried? to present masculine... even learned to follow football so I had something to talk about. Could never master a passion for vehicles though and my impression of beauty in people tends to be vastly different to the other people I know.
Badass beer drinking pool shooting girl and boy chasing biker.
Not the macho macho man type but certainly didn't come off as effeminate.
Denial, fear of being found out, and testosterone poisoning made it not to hard to pull off.
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Lol oh people knew. I could be sitting there like a statue and you could see right through me. I just embrace it now because those "vibes" I always had and was called out on are probably what help me get by day to day. I don't get misgendered and it's a relief.
But as far as coming off feminine, I really had no idea. I think I avoided thinking about it for so long because then it couldn't be real. Well, it definitely all caught up to me. You can only hide for so long before realizing you're only fooling yourself.
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What does straight acting gay guy count as? I personally feel that I fall between the two. I'm more gender fluid if anything.
While I have always presented as a straight male, I found a lot of masculine behaviour repulsive. I am most definitely not "macho" and have never, ever wanted to be. I don't want to be that stupid!
I was just plain androgynous. I tried to be the 'man' but usually didn't pull it off very well.
Straight male, but no machoness. No one ever considered I might be trans.
I tried to hide my feminine traits for a long time and I have a lot of interests that are still mostly associated with men but I was just never very convincing as a man so people perceived me as the fem gay type. I remember that I got a comment in school that I walk like a girl. After that I tried even harder to bury everything feminine.
There were some male fails even then, when I didn't have long hair and I didn't wear any women's clothing.
Nowadays I'm deliberately androgynous when I have to present as a man so people definitely don't see me as masculine.
Not transitioned yet but I know others had said that I was a girly guy some said they thought I was a gay guy, never been masculin. Compensated a lot for all the years I can remember, never doubted however my sexuality, that I liked girls/women. So definitely a lesbian woman to be
Hmmm these are very varied responces. This is a question where if I saw you in real life for 30 seconds I would have exactly the answer I was looking for but very hard to tell online.
I guess I should have asked: "did you talk with the gay voice before you transitioned" and that would answer many of my questions or rather have a general category I could put people in. This question has nothing to do with me but rather I just like statistics and learning human behavior.
I remember when I first discovered forums how many ways you could manipulate groups of people and observe behavior to a manufactured stimulus; things you couldn't or wouldn't do in real life because of legality, social etiquette, seeming weird, or just coming off as an ->-bleeped-<-. Kind of like trolling for scientific purposes and also being able to set up control groups. Another great tool is putting comments in youtube and seeing people reactions: Like copy and paste the exact same comment on several videos and then look at the responses you get or the people who watch them. If I had the data google did I would spend all day making predictions and watching behavior. I have several youtube videos that I come back and check every now and then to see what the likes are up to (you have to keep your comment on top for this to work) then scrolling down and reading the comments. In some of the videos I will actually say "that's not really my opinion I'm studying your reaction to my comment vs the people who watched this other video, but with the same comment." And for many people it goes right over their heads or don't notice what I'm doing. Whats also interesting is you can get like 1,000 thumbs up on youtube in a comment and then edit the comment to say the opposite of why people thumbed it up in the first place then watch the comments. "i.e. woa, 1000 people think that hitler was good for germany! that's surprising"
People's minds are the ultimate toy to play with. Things I still want to play with are Russian troll bots but so far I have only found one. Its like that crappy AI telemarketers use, but it works.
Quote from: Lexi Nexi on November 11, 2018, 07:20:08 AM
I wish I knew how to make a poll on this forum but can't find that option.
I wish I was the feminine gay type before I transitioned I would think this would be a lot easier. I wasn't overly masculine but the feminine traits I have I hid very well. I still find myself hiding them, then unhiding them. But somethings have to be relearned. I know it shouldn't matter but it does matter to me. Maybe that will change as I'm not obsessed with being passible like I used to.
I like numbers so I am curious how many trans people started out as the type of person where people said "you look or act like a girl" or "you would make a very good girl". The stereotypical feminine gay guy I'm wondering. For me it can still be a struggle because I'm not the touchy feely type, I realize that neither are many cis women, but it would help me play the part better. So much of how you are perceived is though actions and mannerisms. I just don't like being "in the middle".
As a child I would sometimes be mistaken for a girl. I expressed masculine & feminine traits. As a teenager I manned up & became a mans man.
Funnily my female lovers saw through the facade and told me I was feminine underneath.
In my forties I allowed my feminine self to show through again.
I'm naturally masculine but have a feminine side as well.
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I was neither gay, nor feminine. I think my old self was always about the suppression of my emotions and desires.
I did my normal, deep voice and tried to mimic Arnold Schwarzenegger. It wasn't until I started transitioning that I did anything else with my voice.
I was visibly not a woman, but I wasn't manly really, either. I was basically a gender-less pack mule. I did things, to others they may have held some connection to gender/sex, but for me, they are just things I did.
Aside from that, there have been plenty of occasions where I said or did things that would make someone's eyebrows raise in questioning. Like when I was real young and I told my mom, "The only thing keeping me from being a woman is my penis" Later in life, I even tried to force myself to be gay(male/male) because I thought it's what I must be- I was utterly blind to who I really am.
Also, I love my voice, and it's what pushed me to really reconcile with my feelings. I may not have began transitioning if not for my femme voice.
Quote from: Lexi Nexi on November 11, 2018, 07:20:08 AM
I wish I was the feminine gay type before I transitioned I would think this would be a lot easier. I wasn't overly masculine but the feminine traits I have I hid very well. I still find myself hiding them, then unhiding them. But somethings have to be relearned. I know it shouldn't matter but it does matter to me. Maybe that will change as I'm not obsessed with being passible like I used to.
I feel like you ripped that out of my head. I have quite a few feminine traits and after years of suppressing them I'm finding it hard to be me, the real me that is. I think the biggest question I have is how do you get out of your head and just let yourself be?
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on November 11, 2018, 03:08:48 PM
As a child I would sometimes be mistaken for a girl. I expressed masculine & feminine traits. As a teenager I manned up & became a mans man.
Funnily my female lovers saw through the facade and told me I was feminine underneath.
In my forties I allowed my feminine self to show through again.
I'm naturally masculine but have a feminine side as well.
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Yup! Happened to me as well. Both my serious girlfriends were one of the very few people who thought I might be gay.
I don't think I'm going to be super-fem once I transition either. I mean, I'll want to be pretty, but I'm going to aim for low-effort beauty rather than high-effort beauty.
I was quiet and an introvert. Not so much feminine as just a skinny, wimpy boy. I was bullied and teased often for being like that. I had some friends, but none I would consider close. As an adult I became more introverted and basically have no friends.
Now that I've started my transition, I'm much more open and friendly, but I'm still very much a homebody and socialize very rarely.
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I was a tough little guy. I got the swimming merit badge in Boy Scouts (one of the hardest ones), I was a big wave surfer, I built hot rods, I was a bicycle racer. I had six pack abs most of the time. I drove Ferrari's and Lamborghinis on the race track. Between the ages of six and nineteen I was in a total of six fist fights. I re-piped and re-wired my house, did all the work myself.
I am very happy I am not that guy any more. Being him was a lot of work!
I like to think he is happily retired somewhere in my imagination, driving a 1970's Camaro along a beach somewhere.
I think I was actually both. I was a typical jock crossed with a D&D playing geek in HS and I always chose my feminine traits and could turn them on and off as I pleased.
I experimented constantly with dress, mannerisms, and values to embrace, and it made dating interesting, particularly dating girls because of the attitudes back then. Dating guys was also interesting, cause often I did not fit their mold either, but date, I did.
I think a lot of people do not fit in heteronormative or cultural normative masculinity and femininity and it has been true since ancient times. Its way more a slider than it is a 2 pole or even 3 pole switch.
I'm still pre-transition but from a pretty young age my family made it clear I shouldn't "act like a girl" so I did my best to try to be more masculine. I'm really bad at trying to be masculine though so I always had trouble connecting with people since I never felt like I could reveal my true self. It can be really hard to unlearn some of those things and just let my guard down after years of practice, but it's such a relief when I do.
I presenting in a Duck Dynasty type way. When I switched jobs a bit over 2 years ago, I stopped presenting that way and am now seen as the "possibly bi guy". That should hopefuly be easier to work with when coming out at work, but most of my extended family haven't seen me in years.
Lacy
Definitely very male. If/when I come out, it will shock a lot of people. I figure I will lose all of my male friends.
Quote from: CarlyMcx on November 12, 2018, 10:43:28 AM
I was a tough little guy. I got the swimming merit badge in Boy Scouts (one of the hardest ones), I was a big wave surfer, I built hot rods, I was a bicycle racer. I had six pack abs most of the time. I drove Ferrari's and Lamborghinis on the race track. Between the ages of six and nineteen I was in a total of six fist fights. I re-piped and re-wired my house, did all the work myself.
I am very happy I am not that guy any more. Being him was a lot of work!
I like to think he is happily retired somewhere in my imagination, driving a 1970's Camaro along a beach somewhere.
Hi from another ex-bike racer! I really used the bike to self-medicate. For 3-4 hours at a time, I was not trans. All I had to think about was the next pedal stroke, the slight burn in my lungs and avoiding the lactic acid buildup. Then, during the recovery, I was too physically exhausted to really think about things.
As a roadie, I had a lot of fun along the way and met some great people, plus I know every inch of most of the iconic Alpine climbs. Mainly, though, I did it to medicate and avoid addressing who I really was.
Slightly feminine straight guy...no idea what medical transition would do to my sexuality.
To be homest, my feminine nature did wonders for attracting women as I grew up.
Lots of alerts when I look back...loads of times I'd end up in bed with amazing women and
I'd not do 'the deed'.
I just loved the company and intimacy of beautiful women
Quote from: Sarah77 on November 12, 2018, 02:16:00 PM
Slightly feminine straight guy...no idea what medical transition would do to my sexuality.
To be homest, my feminine nature did wonders for attracting women as I grew up.
Lots of alerts when I look back...loads of times I'd end up in bed with amazing women and
I'd not do 'the deed'.
I just loved the company and intimacy of beautiful women
That sounds exactly like my experiences! There were so many times I literally just slept with women, not "Slept". That alone was sufficient most of the time. Of course I caught all manner of crap about from my guy friends.
I was definately not ever on the "manly" side of things. I tried to be manly because that's what society 3xpects and rewards, but deep down i had no motivation for it, so that never went very far. I definately always had a very feminine self image deep down that I hid from meself until my 30s just in case someone could, ya know, read minds.
I could never relate to guys on a "I'm one of this group" level, which was a source of a lot of guilt for me until I figured out it's ok for me to belong where I feel I belong. It was very easy for me to superficially fit in with "the guys" because to me those conversations aren't very nuanced and have a consistent routine (sports? Sports! :-p). I get far more enjoyment from female social interaction both giving and enjoyable. I do feel a sense of belonging in a group of women, but I still firmly denying this if myself asks.
tldr; tried & failed to be manly, hid feminine-ness, was a nothing, guys are easy to fit in with for me but not preferable nor enjoyqble.
I never fooled anyone. Many years later I found out I was called Emily behind my back. No one dared say it though!
I have always being fem even when I was kid,
Anna
Straight male, not a femme gay.
Quote from: StacyRenee on November 12, 2018, 10:21:03 AM
I was quiet and an introvert. Not so much feminine as just a skinny, wimpy boy. I was bullied and teased often for being like that. I had some friends, but none I would consider close. As an adult I became more introverted and basically have no friends.
Now that I've started my transition, I'm much more open and friendly, but I'm still very much a homebody and socialize very rarely.
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I was just telling someone about this. I used to called a sissy boy or that I looked like a girl as a kid. Secretly down inside I loved when they called me that. I think the estrogen is finally stripping away the male patterned fat on my face shift back around to let the fem features through. Someone told me that just last week. Does anyone else notice this? The skin on your jaw feels thinner, while the skin on the cheek bone is thicker and the centers of your cheeks goes in instead of out, making your face look longer? My nose is even a tiny bit narrower but it was small and narrow to begin with.
I just want to be a sissy boy in a pink sissy dress showing off my perky B cups, open toed high heels showing off my girly legs and pink toes, while a tall strong guy lifts me up off the ground, one arm under my back touching my boob, the other under my knees, I feel his tough hard biceps and forearms on my soft smooth legs as I wrap my smooth squishy arms around his big muscular shoulders and neck kissing him on his scruffy cheek, getting pink lip gloss on his face as my eye lashes tickle his cheek. I would feel so safe knowing he would be protecting me in his big strong arms, like boughs of sturdy English oak, smelling of manly cologne and musk. All I need is a guy to pick me up, I have the outfit already to go. I fantasize about that so much. That's why it's mandatory I date men 5'8" and taller preferably in uniform. That to me is like sex.
I lived as a gay man and physically I did look super manly but I was always very "delicate" (that's a word I got a lot) in my behavior; I tried repressing my femininity as much as I could, but it would still shine through so I was a feminine man. Yet ironically, when I started transitioning I realized I wasn't feminine enough, I guess all of the repression I tried for years was actually working.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 22, 2019, 01:15:17 PM
I lived as a gay man and physically I did look super manly but I was always very "delicate" (that's a word I got a lot) in my behavior; I tried repressing my femininity as much as I could, but it would still shine through so I was a feminine man. Yet ironically, when I started transitioning I realized I wasn't feminine enough, I guess all of the repression I tried for years was actually working.
Wow, I was told I'm a "delicate flower" at an interview once... I definitely can relate... I think people like to push buttons. Except we're in control of the button, so to speak...
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Quote from: Lexi Nexi on November 11, 2018, 07:20:08 AM
I wish I knew how to make a poll on this forum but can't find that option.
I wish I was the feminine gay type before I transitioned I would think this would be a lot easier. I wasn't overly masculine but the feminine traits I have I hid very well. I still find myself hiding them, then unhiding them. But somethings have to be relearned. I know it shouldn't matter but it does matter to me. Maybe that will change as I'm not obsessed with being passible like I used to.
I like numbers so I am curious how many trans people started out as the type of person where people said "you look or act like a girl" or "you would make a very good girl". The stereotypical feminine gay guy I'm wondering. For me it can still be a struggle because I'm not the touchy feely type, I realize that neither are many cis women, but it would help me play the part better. So much of how you are perceived is though actions and mannerisms. I just don't like being "in the middle".
I've always been fem both physically and in the way I act. I tried to be more masculine for a while but it was a bad fit...
Straight down the middle. Neither macho nor fem. Just neutral.
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Depended on the audience. South Side Chicago Regular Guy when it suited me, Doting Daddy with my little girls, Androgynous Ad Agency Type when it helped me fit in. Each requires its own body language, gestures, walk, vocabulary, diction, accent, and vocal rhythms. I'm a natural chameleon.
Actually asserting myself in transition is going to be a real change.
I was a late blooming male that wished she could keep his "baby face". Grew to be way to tall and with broad shoulders. Always masculine that wished she could be female. In fact several girlfriends said my inner soul was girl!
Hi Erica, welcome to the forum. ;D
For me, I knew I was somehow different. I was never the feminine gay type, but I was never Mr. Macho either. On some occasions someone might have told me that something I did or said was girlie, but I was considered a straight cisgender male, although I did have a few bullies in my childhood who questioned my sexuality. Little did I know that I have never beeen straight nor cisgender. My transition is still not complete. I'm not out full time yet, so I still present as a straight cisgender male. In truth, however, I know that I am not a straight cis-male - I am a bisexual trans female.
Danielle
I was femme as could be very early in life... My step father tried to beat it out of me for eight years and the result was a very angry kid who buried everything every time it would bubble to the surface. Which it did often. Back and forth it went. Femme -> Angry Guy -> Femme -> Angry Guy
I finally broke too bad to fix and repressed everything in favor of trying to be "Normal". Had myself well fooled for twenty years. I wasn't really "Manly" during that time. More like a robot. Then... It all came back.
Now it is impossible to hide so I don't. Femme as could be all the time (By manner of speech and body language); Even though I'm stalled pre-virtually everything till I can figure out what is going to happen with my family.
Quote from: Ericalaine on January 22, 2019, 05:14:10 PM
I was a late blooming male that wished she could keep his "baby face". Grew to be way to tall and with broad shoulders. Always masculine that wished she could be female. In fact several girlfriends said my inner soul was girl!
@Ericalaine Dear Ericalaine: I am so very happy to see that you have become a member Susan's Place and now have posted for the first time here on the Forums.
As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.
This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
I also want to warmly
WELCOME you to Susan's Place.
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members. When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others
and offer support to others. ....
***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will
make some new like-minded friends here.
Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
I have attached important and informative
LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.
Please look closely at the
LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.
Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
DanielleHere are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with: Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) | Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html) |
[/quote]
@Ericalaine Oh, and another thing Ericalaine...
Please plan to find your way to the Introductions Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) to tell more about yourself so that more members will be aware of your arrival.
Thank you again for joining Susan's Place and being involved in the Forums here.
Best wishes to you,
DanielleNOTE: Now I will let everyone have the thread back so you can continue to pursue the conversations that you were having.
FTM, always failed at being a girl. My presentation was always "art student," super androgynous. Lydia from Beetlejuice, Emily the Strange. ;D
I never fit in with the girls, and the few that were my friends remained friends with me DESPITE the fact I didn't do girly things. I always hung out with nerdy/artsy boys - I think I preferred intellectual expressions of masculinity because I wasn't hindered by my body in competition with other men.
People were shocked when I came out because I didn't fit into their image of the rugged butch lesbian stereotype. (Because we all know being transgender is just a case of extreme homosexuality. ::) )
Right before I cracked, I had a brief phase where I was determined to "get in touch with my feminine energy," wore only dresses, and went to beauty school... which actually made me realize I will never fit in with women, as a woman. I am neurologically incapable.
Post transition... I'm still doing the art student thing, just a little more masc, and this time, it feels right. My best friend (a gay man) and my therapist both warned me that I am going to come off as incredibly gay, but considering I'm attracted to men and built my career in the beauty industry, it might just work to my advantage. :D I have idolized glittery, gender-bending electro-pop stars since I was a kid, so, god, please, let me live my dreams.
Ironically, I get along with women so much better now. I think it was the incongruence between my looks and mannerisms that signaled to them something was weird with me: I looked like them, but when I talked, it was obvious my brain computed in a completely different way. Now I'm not expected to be "one of them," so it's not off-putting when something completely different or unexpected comes out of my mouth. I also feel more relaxed now that the pressure to perform an impossible task is no longer on my shoulders. My behavior reads so much more normal if I am being read as a guy.
I was always clocked as a straight acting gay-guy.
I was the cranky older introvert that nobody wanted to interact with.
Femme gay? Hardly.
Masculine, as in football watching, "Hold my beer and watch THIS" sort of stuff? Not really. I did wrench on a car, but it was a Miata. I was told that if I kept driving that Miata I would have to turn my Man Card in, so I did...
Having tech problems with the site sorry this will be deleted once its fixed
I also was fairly masculine. Wife, kid, built a house myself, male dominated profession. In fact I did everything I could to be a perfect "male" and that's what made my disphoria so bad because I was maintaining such a high level of masculinity that once I was alone and no one could see me I would crash.
Quote from: Allison S on November 11, 2018, 08:20:05 AM
Lol oh people knew. I could be sitting there like a statue and you could see right through me. I just embrace it now because those "vibes" I always had and was called out on are probably what help me get by day to day. I don't get misgendered and it's a relief.
But as far as coming off feminine, I really had no idea. I think I avoided thinking about it for so long because then it couldn't be real. Well, it definitely all caught up to me. You can only hide for so long before realizing you're only fooling yourself.
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Ok so I wrote this a while ago.. I'm still the same and I would even be ma'amed on the phone before transitioning. Well, now I'm realizing that I'm actually 75% feminine and the rest is a mix of neutral or masculine. I'm good at being assertive, setting boundaries and limits. When I'm in a situation that I need to be this way- I don't feel feminine.
Also, when I'm comfortable and having a conversation my voice definitely drops a bit depending on who I'm talking to and the context.
Although my expressions have and do change from time to time, my sexuality hasn't. I like to be a woman in a sexual relationship with someone who identifies as a man. But, when push comes to shove I'm not all that submissive (especially when I feel threatened, undermined or disrespected).
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To be honest, I was always the odd emo thing in the playground or the library. I repudiated the idea of wearing clothes with which I did not feel "me". I preferred to dress in a perhaps more striking way, to be associated with a genre that I am not .. :-\
I was very much that rough and tumble climbing trees and scraping knees pink hating tomboy.
I like dinosaurs and volcanos and mud and insects and science and stuff.
My parents used to take me to go watch the hydro electric dam open so I could watch the turbines and the roar of water! that was my idea of fun! lol.
I never understood girls, at all. Always struggled with female relationships and it wasn't till my teen years when a catastrophic falling out with literally every girl in my year (eugh, they rounded on my like a pack of wolves) meant I had to turn to the boys for social interaction and found omg... I actually felt SO MUCH more comfortable and myself around them. So much less judged, so much less like I was acting or trying to understand some secret language I didn't really comprehend.
I never looked back after that. Heck, even my chief "bridesmaid" at my wedding was a guy. I just DO NOT have any close female friends, never had any desire for them either. honestly female interaction kinda just.. bewilders me.
I always joked I was a male brain in a girl's body without really understanding what that meant.
I was the loud, ridiculous, geeky wierdo who'd drink shots and eat chillis to out man the guys.
I went through a phase of being kinda sexy but it was really ultimately just a way to get attention from the boys. If you have boobs and a tight top they totally pay attention to you and I liked that attention.
I mean i'm probably gonna come across as suuuuuper gay when I transition but i'm cool with that. I have some traditionally feminine hobbies (I collect dolls for example) but also a lot of typically masculine ones (I love sci fi and D&D and stuff) but my husband and I balance eachother out pretty well becuase he's honestly pretty effeminate for a cis guy and secure enough in his masculinity to indulge his feminine side. For the ten years we've been married we've often joked that he's the "girl" in the relationship and i'm the guy hahaha. I'm way shorter than him and i'm still the big spoon!
I mean ultimately, at the end of the day, I think gender roles are stupid and the social nonsense that comes with gendered everything is just tiresome. Why can't a guy like pink or dolls? Why can't a girl like rockets and dinosaurs?
And transitioning won't change that.
I just go from being a girl who was super into dinosaurs to a guy who's super into dolls and that's AOK lol.
If anything, once i'm more secure in my gender identity, I think i'll be more happy about really pushing those boundries and making a point about needlessly narrow gender roles and presentations.
I WILL wear skirts, I WILL enjoy "girly" stuff. That doesn't make me less of a man. Just right now because i'm still trying to get comfy I feel less able to indulge in some of that stuff without undermining my identity.
bah.
But yeah, I was a pretty boyish geek girl. Certainly husband wasn't that surprised when I came out to him and I expect a fair few of my friends won't be either. I've NEVER been good at the whole "being a girl" thing and never been at all secretive about my disdain and bewilderment toward the whole thing.
I have no idea how I come off to others and I probably never will. Truth is I have many qualities in there, a lot of duality that somehow exists in harmony on different levels but not conflicting. I used to think of myself as hardly feminine, but I know I have grace in how I move compared to guys who usually lumber about all over the place and are clumsy as hell. I'm not. My movements are precise and efficient compared to most of theirs. I can tell not just by looking but by the fact I've never broken a limb bone or scarred myself in some of the daft ways the guys I know have. I approach things with the caution of a female, who is cognizant of physical limitations and risks, because I'm aware of mine and I don't want to Darwin myself out of existence too early. I have a lot of traits that spring from my origins, they just don't extend beyond any logical requirement for them into the realm of "display", which a lot of female behavior seems to incorporate...
So I like my long baths and looking after myself, etc. but it's all just for me, rather than as part of any outward expression. I don't actually express much at all outwardly and physically, I suppose. I'm an internal type.
Am I flamboyant? No, that's usually done by guys wanting to signal their "gayness" to others, and I feel no need to do that. Am I macho? No. Machismo is for impressing people and I don't need to impress anybody. The biggest practicers of that are insecure wannabes. I like what I like and it doesn't matter what anybody thinks about it, but they'll probably never find out anyway. I'm quite "private" about most things in real life. Not much of an open book. Transition has only made me even more private about these things, and about personal expression, not to mention the way things are going politically. I think I'll express even less of myself in the future, probably just become the "grey man" as they say.
I realized I show my true self (which is very expressive) to very, very few people. I can count those on half a hand at the moment. If a person does get in there, they'll see that I'm actually a passionate individual, but it only seems worth sharing any of that with someone who appreciates it properly.
For me it is very bipolar.
I embody qualities that are very masculine or very feminine. I define masculine as strong and assertive. I define feminine as open-minded and beautiful. So for me its embodying these two extremes on opposite ends of the spectrum.
I find a middle ground to be a major turn-off and kind of repulsive. So to be honest, I have a very binary view of gender and my failure to be masculine enough as a man has made me swing completely over in the other direction where if I can't be an assertive alpha, then at least I can be an untouchably beautiful female.
I know this viewpoint might be uncommon and even offensive here, but I just have to be honest about how it is for me.
Quote from: Samij on April 18, 2019, 09:19:05 AM
I also was fairly masculine. Wife, kid, built a house myself, male dominated profession. In fact I did everything I could to be a perfect "male" and that's what made my disphoria so bad because I was maintaining such a high level of masculinity that once I was alone and no one could see me I would crash.
I have a friend who transitioned at 75. She described the same thing, even growing a beard that she described, "my whole life I was hiding behind the beard. Now the beard is gone and I can be me"
As a teen ager I used to be overly aggressive and sexually promiscuous to make the trans felling go away. I used to say "Look I have two girl friend both are really hot how could I do that if I was a women?" "I was never a homophobe but the act of gay sex weirds me out still does even though I have done it several times. The only time I got an erection from it was when I was dressed as a girl. I met a guy who said he was straight but had a "thing for trans girls but had never been with a white one". He said he wasn't sure if I was, he was my uber driver and uber uses my male name which confuses the hell out of the drivers as they drive past. So I brought him up to my bed room but then I told him I had to shower shave and paint my nails before we did anything (I just got out of the hospital and I have to have perfect clean smooth legs and feet, I have a leg /feet fetish for girls feet and my own, I have no attraction for guys feet, but like it when they play with mine, or I can jerk them off with my toes... could be because that's the one part of me that's absolutely perfectly feminine, I don't even let my feet touch the floor unless I'm getting out of the shower) He said he didn't care if I wasn't shaven, I though about it for a second, but no way I couldn't do it so I kicked him out and told him to come back after I shower. It was the weirdest hook up, I guess because to him I was just a "fetish" or object which is kind of a turn on of mine as a submissive, a feminists nightmare
Quote from: Swanson777 on April 18, 2019, 07:46:29 PM
For me it is very bipolar.
I embody qualities that are very masculine or very feminine. I define masculine as strong and assertive. I define feminine as open-minded and beautiful. So for me its embodying these two extremes on opposite ends of the spectrum.
I find a middle ground to be a major turn-off and kind of repulsive. So to be honest, I have a very binary view of gender and my failure to be masculine enough as a man has made me swing completely over in the other direction where if I can't be an assertive alpha, then at least I can be an untouchably beautiful female.
I know this viewpoint might be uncommon and even offensive here, but I just have to be honest about how it is for me.
Quote from: Swanson777 on April 18, 2019, 07:46:29 PM
For me it is very bipolar.
I embody qualities that are very masculine or very feminine. I define masculine as strong and assertive. I define feminine as open-minded and beautiful. So for me its embodying these two extremes on opposite ends of the spectrum.
I find a middle ground to be a major turn-off and kind of repulsive. So to be honest, I have a very binary view of gender and my failure to be masculine enough as a man has made me swing completely over in the other direction where if I can't be an assertive alpha, then at least I can be an untouchably beautiful female.
I know this viewpoint might be uncommon and even offensive here, but I just have to be honest about how it is for me.
I totally agree with that. Often as during my professional and work life I was a true alpha, people looked up to me and when problem had to be solved and solution needed people turned to me. It was always Ask "'real male name' instead" he will know. I used to be big an strong I took test did MMA lifted weights battled people physically intellectually for fun and intellectually for profit at work, or at least professionally, really was I tied to one company. But who am I really? I little sissy girl who doesn't like to get her hands dirty who when scared she wants to jump up in his arms, likes pink and all things girly. Total submissive who got tired of always being the boss figuring out solutions under pressure now she just wants to be a submissive house wife who need to tend to the needs of a man. The middle is repulsive, I lived one extreme now I'm living the other, and I feel much freer here. I have become so secure and confident in my decision making I am willing to give all control to someone else.Very few are brave enough to give it all away, lose control, be free. When I am collared and caged and owned by my master I am truly free, free of all the responsibility of life.