Putting together a transition plan which,
First necessitates a need to lose a lot of weight (Currently at 282 lbs, where I should be at 160). The weight is affecting my health and has to be first priority. I am scheduled for Gastric Bypass in Feb. and we will have to see where that goes. Hopefully it will solve the hypertension, sleep apnea, and diabetes, which just started.
Second, I was never this heavy (or this hairy) until the doctors determined a few years back that my pituitary had stopped working. As a result my body makes no testosterone of its own, and they put me on inject-able testosterone. It is horrific and I dread it every week. Adding testosterone to my body is the worst thing I have ever done. I don't like the way it makes me feel, and even worse, it masculated features that had been perfectly androgynous for decades. How I have hair in sooo many places. What is that about? My shoulders are even wider than they were before, and I can smell the T in my sweat. Ugh. I know that I have to have one primary sex hormone to maintain things like heart muscle, but I come to tears every week when I have to do this. Since it will take a year plus to have the surgery and lose weight after, I have been thinking about stopping the injections until I can start on HRT. Its not that long of a time.
Third, I have to find a gender therapist and primary care physician somewhere in the middle of Arkansas to help me with my HRT eventually. I'd supes take a support group too. I have a therapist here, but she isn't a gender therapist and is doing the best she can (I brought her a copy of the WPATH standards of care so she could catch up). I just signed up for Pride Counselling, which is long distance over the computer, so I don't know yet if that is anything.
Fourth, everyone says start on the facial hair as soon as possible. Do I just choose a random lazer/electrologist in the Little Rock are and hope they are trans friendly or drive to Dallas every 6 weeks and to E3000. I would rather someone local so we can do weekly sessions and also start to work on the body hair.
Fifth, the work thing. Yes, I am educated and highly regarded, and all those things that happen when you spend 25 years building a career. Am I about to flush my hard-earned career down the drain? I don't mind hanging out a shingle and doing consulting, but man that is a tough pill to swallow. 5 of my last 5 jobs contacted me to ask me to some work for them, including where I am at now running a medium sized software development team for a corporation. Its an old school company and my boss is old school too. All the platitudes about inclusiveness in official documents mean nothing if the legal framework of your state won't back you up and is actually hostile to your existence. Also, I have a wife and a mortgage and a kid who is soon college bound and looking at Iveys. I am gonna need the good job money more than ever.
Sixth, I would greatly love to do all of those things above just to alleviate the hate I have for my body. I cry in the shower. My body is all wrong and the chance to get it any closer to being correct would be a huge, torment-relieving, plus. I don't care about how I present in the world, how people perceive me, but walking around as I am now disgusts myself. I used to be such a carefree person, what happened to that boy? I don't care about pronouns and will happily take whatever ones people throw at me.
Seventh, and lastly, maybe coincidentally, I was on Finasteride for a little over a week and it make me slow and stupid, so I had to stop. However, a short time later ONE of my boobs began to grow. And my testicles shrink by about 2/3rds. My currently PCP said I had too much free T and my fat converted it to estrogen, so now I am on reduced the T. Could it have been the Finasteride? Just a thought.
I really need a lifeline from someone who has done this before me to show me the ropes. I am scared, and frustrated, and scared.
Thank you in advance for any feedback.
Everyone has a unique transition path, as all our individual circumstances such as family, friends, workplace, commitments etc... are all different for each of us. It looks like you've done the research & homework, going by the amount of detail in your plan. So you know what the hurdles are, that's good.
I can only advise to take it one small step at a time, as when two/three small steps are joined together, you'll notice you've actually made more progress than you thought.
It sounds like dealing with not liking your body as it is and returning to some kind of androgynous state would perhaps be the first thing to tackle. Then you could stop and take stock of how much further you wish to proceed.
Good luck to you Maya,
May the Goddess shine upon you!
Johnni xoxo
Johnni,
I think being androgynous helped keep things at bay for many years. Now that isn't the case and every day is a struggle. I don't want to go back to androgynous, I want to become the woman I am.
I wish people weren't mean. It would make this all so much easier.
Sure, I understand that, no problem. I hope it works out for you and I'm sure it will in the end.
The meanies are becoming the minority by the day as trans awareness spreads, though it's a slow growth thing, there is at least some hope for the world.
I wish you the best,
Johnni xoxo