It's either the most important development in my life or my biggest mistake. It is, if you will, AN EPIC IN THE MAYBE.
I've already mentioned coming out at band practice (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=241643.0) (concert band BTW), and that's been mostly positive. Some of the other people I have shared Jennifer with so far:
- My hometown pastor, who has been accepting. But I only go to church when I'm back home, and that's with my parents. I have dressed up in her presence as we discussed the spiritual issues.
- My boss's boss, who was understanding. It was precipitated by an issue that I won't disclose here because it would be easy to find out where I work.
- One co-worker, who had made comments earlier that made me feel she would be a good person to tell, and it turns out she has an FTM grandchild.
In five days I go to an LGBT clinic for my first appointment. This will be a preliminary appointment, with a blood test, but hormones could be prescribed next time. But I've already checked the box on one crucial component - a letter from my therapist.
QuoteI view her request to be considered for hormone therapy to transition to her affirmed gender to be completely consistent with my psychotherapeutic history and medically necessary.
...her request...her affirmed gender...I thought I would cry as I read that. I didn't, even though I tried to, but perhaps the sense of relief clashed with decades of fear of moving forward and my emotions were tied up in knots.
But I have not come out to my sister or my parents...and I have every reason to know it will not go well. I told my brother, and he says - with good reason - Mom and Dad especially won't take it well.
If I do not have them on my side I will be devastated.I've started this thread here because it won't just be about HRT, it will be about many other things related to my transition, done in a way I hope conceals identity giveaways.
Here goes everything.
Congrats on kicking off your journey! You really never know how a parent, friend or loved one will respond to the news. Sometimes the people you thought would be your quickest staunchest allies end up being the least understanding and the person everyone told you would abandon you, turns out to be your biggest supporter. It's impossible to know for certain so try not to let what others (in this case your brother) think influence you too much. Ultimately if you're going to be a woman, you're going to need to invite the people closest to you into her life.
I say this with confidence but I am also struggling with one parent (my mother) who I am afraid to bring into the loop. Her religious views will be challenged by my status and I don't know if I will win in a throw down with god, lol. I look forward to sharing in your adventures here.
Go Jennifer! Ita amazing that some things you dont expect to make you emotional catch yo out, then a big think like that statement leaves you numb!
I went entirely en femme. If the link works, this is the top I wore. (https://s7d4.scene7.com/is/image/BonTon/1358722_pink?$medium_245$) This clinic, which is LGBT-specific, asked for my preferred name and pronouns.
Today's meeting started about 5:35. (Five months...what's another 30 minutes?) She had me do more or less a tell-all, with my longtime desires and issues with parents. I told her who I was out to, and how they responded.
(Paraphrased) "What are you hoping to get out of the hormones?" "I want boobs." Crude, perhaps, but the truth. And, of course, to be rid of the fur on my body.
"If cost weren't an object, how far would you want to go?" "All the way."
She asked about fertility, and I said, "No one wants my DNA, not even me." I told her how I would have loved to have children but I know it's not going to happen.
She asked about my sexual orientation. I said I am both attracted to and jealous of women, and viewed myself as a lesbian trapped in a man's body... for the most part.
The only thing I might not have been as clear about as I should was that I do not appear en femme on a regular basis, though I mentioned I would want to be on hormones for some time before a social transition.
She is ready to prescribe small doses of estradiol and spironolactone to start - but the letter from my therapist needs to be received first. I thought that was taken care of but it must have gotten lost in the mail.
Then I had to watch what I'm pretty sure is the same video online about feminizing hormones. No matter how many times I read/watch, it still doesn't change facts on hair growth/loss where I want it. Then I went downstairs to have blood drawn to get baselines.
When I got back I checked the online portal, where my three-month appointment is already scheduled, and...OMG. My name is changed there.
Here we go.
that is so exciting! I'm glad to hear that the first appointment went well :) I've got my first appointment coming up in 2 weeks so, perhaps I'm being selfish, but it was great to hear the details on what happened in your scenario. Thank you so much for sharing :)
That must have been super exciting to see your chosen name on a medical record !
Please keep us all updated
Best,
Anita
First off, congrats! Second, what is this video you assume everyone is shown?? I didn't get a video! I barely got a xerox'd pamphlet. XD
Quote from: Jennifer M on November 20, 2018, 08:58:50 PM
I went entirely en femme. If the link works, this is the top I wore. (https://s7d4.scene7.com/is/image/BonTon/1358722_pink?$medium_245$) This clinic, which is LGBT-specific, asked for my preferred name and pronouns.
Today's meeting started about 5:35. (Five months...what's another 30 minutes?) She had me do more or less a tell-all, with my longtime desires and issues with parents. I told her who I was out to, and how they responded.
(Paraphrased) "What are you hoping to get out of the hormones?" "I want boobs." Crude, perhaps, but the truth. And, of course, to be rid of the fur on my body.
"If cost weren't an object, how far would you want to go?" "All the way."
She asked about fertility, and I said, "No one wants my DNA, not even me." I told her how I would have loved to have children but I know it's not going to happen.
She asked about my sexual orientation. I said I am both attracted to and jealous of women, and viewed myself as a lesbian trapped in a man's body... for the most part.
The only thing I might not have been as clear about as I should was that I do not appear en femme on a regular basis, though I mentioned I would want to be on hormones for some time before a social transition.
She is ready to prescribe small doses of estradiol and spironolactone to start - but the letter from my therapist needs to be received first. I thought that was taken care of but it must have gotten lost in the mail.
Then I had to watch what I'm pretty sure is the same video online about feminizing hormones. No matter how many times I read/watch, it still doesn't change facts on hair growth/loss where I want it. Then I went downstairs to have blood drawn to get baselines.
When I got back I checked the online portal, where my three-month appointment is already scheduled, and...OMG. My name is changed there.
Here we go.
Jennifer, you are on your way! Waiting three months for the next appointment may seem like a long time, be patient. I hope your therapist letter arrives soon. Perhaps they will send you prescriptions after your baseline blood tests are reviewed and receiving that therapist letter, so maybe you will not need to wait three months to start.
I do like the top your wore, as shown in your link. Plus I do like that they used your name on the portal. How affirming that is! Jennifer is a very nice woman's name.
Chrissy
Quote from: Jennifer M on November 20, 2018, 08:58:50 PM
Jennifer, awesome!
>
She is ready to prescribe small doses of estradiol and spironolactone to start - but the letter from my therapist needs to be received first. I thought that was taken care of but it must have gotten lost in the mail.
I recommend contacting your therapist asap, let them know their letter was not received. Or pick up the letter from your therapist and get it to the clinic. I've found things like this are almost never lost in the mail... either it was misplaced at the clinic, or more likely your therapist did not send it.
Congratulations, Jennifer! That is wonderful - the correct HRT has been life changing for me. Best wishes as you take this next step. :-)
Test results are in - and my T levels are abnormally low! So glad to fail that test!
But Thanksgiving has reminded me of the steep, vertical mountain I must climb. Because it won't be just about coming out to my parents. It will be about presenting myself to thousands of people in my community and surrounding areas who have known me since birth. It's going to be horrible.
Jennifer, I am so glad to hear that you rappointment went well. And that you presented as your true self. Well done!
Quote from: Kendra on November 21, 2018, 10:56:23 AM
I recommend contacting your therapist asap, let them know their letter was not received. Or pick up the letter from your therapist and get it to the clinic. I've found things like this are almost never lost in the mail... either it was misplaced at the clinic, or more likely your therapist did not send it.
I second this! You need to stay on top of your letters: this one, and the two that you will eventually need for surgery, plus any that you might need for bureaucratic paperwork. I have an issue with this right now: I am calling every two weeks to remind them to get it done. Be the squeaky wheel.
Therapist said he was faxing letter today (Fri). Doing this Thanksgiving week has messed up the timing on things. I am kicking myself for not bringing a copy of the letter with me to the appointment.
This brings me to my next issue. I want to tell Dad before Mom, alone, and I want to do it before changes begin. If I stick to my original timetable, and do it after the new year and a family event, I could be nearly two months into HRT. But unless I do it next week, I will not know when I can get time to talk to him alone - or even make the phone call to set up something - without Mom knowing.
Will I start showing two months after low doses of HRT? Would I be wrong in putting a burden on Dad to keep a secret from his wife for two months?
Hello Jennifer
First of all congratulations as I assume you will be starting HRT later in November. After you take the first tablets and/or apply the first patch, you'll remember that event forever! Welcome to the wonderful rollercoaster ride.
It is of course up to you whether you tell your Dad end of November or end of January but it is safe to assume that on low dose HRT, you will probably not show (to others) physical changes. The main early results are emotional with a minor physical changes including softer skin and the beginning of breast buds.
On the HRT Board you may read many threads of members' HRT journeys including mine and also many HRT questions and responses.
I wish you every happiness on your journey.
Hugs
Pamela
My parents know. Told Dad in person. Left letter for Mom to read.
Dad took it as well as could be expected, maybe even better.
Mom did not. Mom extremely, EXTREMELY did not. She said "it's the Asperger's" and blames my therapist for pushing me into it. Things are going to be very, very bad for an indefinite amount of time.
Quote from: Jennifer M on November 29, 2018, 09:19:21 AM
My parents know. Told Dad in person. Left letter for Mom to read.
Dad took it as well as could be expected, maybe even better.
Mom did not. Mom extremely, EXTREMELY did not. She said "it's the Asperger's" and blames my therapist for pushing me into it. Things are going to be very, very bad for an indefinite amount of time.
@Jennifer MDear Jennifer: That is very good news you reported about your Dad... and obviously not-so-good news regarding your non-accepting Mom, the thing to remember is that no matter what, she will always be your Mom.
As we all know, transition announcements can certainly be difficult for the transitioner but also it can be just as difficult or possibly even more difficult for their spouse, partner, and parents. This is a sometimes difficult gauntlet that is played out on many threads here on the Forums. Some have great success in finding acceptance from loved ones, and others... not so much.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
If you will, please allow me tell you about my own circumstances which "may" apply to your situation and
might possibly help you and perhaps others that are reading your thread:
My own story is one of continuing
non-acceptance from my parents back "home" after 4 years of my initial announcement of my transition plans to them and I have not seen them or been able to have a conversation with them on the phone very much at all since I came out Full-Time and relocated 2 years ago.
I am
committed to continue to love and respect my parents and I will continue to try to get through to them no matter what their response ... and I will
not argue with them nor will I get visibly upset with them over their feelings about my transition, I owe them that...
they are my parents after-all. I feel that the best thing I can do is to demonstrate that the "new me" is a responsible and stable person that is living a very happy life.
When and if get the opening to visit them in another month or so, I will dress respectfully as the woman I am, nothing over the top or too flashy, but for sure presenting myself as a woman that they can hopefully and eventually be proud of. Only time will tell what the future holds with them... but I will always keep rying... and will love them no matter what.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Jennifer, I am hoping and rooting for you that you can get through to your mom soon.
Hugs and well wishes to you,
Danielle
TODAY IS E DAY.
I had received the e-mail saying my hormones were ready shortly before Dad called to tell me about Mom.
I'm very excited, but also very scared.
Jennifer, congratulations! Although the effects of HRT are not immediate you will certainly remember this day. And don't be scared about all the changes - if this is right for you, you will settle in and find this is exactly what you needed.
I am sorry to hear about your mom's reaction but you also have a lot of positive going, and some people do change their viewpoint over time.
It's over. I can't do it. Becoming a woman has too high a cost.
I had an appointment Tuesday with my parents and therapist. Mom came loaded for bear, skinned me alive, burned the remains, and dropped every thermonuclear warhead in the arsenal.
It was everything I expected, and worse. I have damaged my relationships with everyone. I knew it would happen yet pressed on, and it was all a mistake. As far as I'm concerned, optimism is a mental illness.
Dad's initial openness was bluntly ignored, and he didn't try to stick up for me. My brother-in-law's wary acceptance was overruled by my sister, who now may not let me be alone with her children.
Mom wanted to confront my therapist head-on, without me, but he would not allow it. By the end, I'm pretty sure she thought he was a quack.
Mom, by way of talking to the therapist, attacked me from every angle, blaming Asperger's for everything, and saying that because I had shown no feminine tendencies through high school I couldn't have gender dysphoria. She pulled out everything I had done or said in school as proof that Asperger's was responsible. (It's a long story.)
After a half-hour, my therapist talked to me alone. He said Mom was the toughest/most opposed family member of a trans client he'd ever talked to. Then I had another hour in a private room with my parents.
She framed my face in her hands while she did the first half of this, until her knees gave out.
Some quotes from Mom, as best I can remember (despite hitting "record" on the brain, so to speak, it was overwhelmed):
"Tell me WHY this would make anything better." The answer "because it might make me not hate my body" was not acceptable. "Because I want to be happy" was not acceptable. Nor was being shy, or being comfortable in women's clothing, or hating being male in general.
"How am I supposed to be supportive of my son who wants to be a daughter? I already have a daughter."
"God made you male. I have a son. His name is [birth name]."
"You have male hands, male feet, and you're bald. No one would ever date you. You would make an ugly woman because you are a handsome man."
"Why the hell would you want to wear a skirt?"
If I had shown any outward signs when younger, "we would've taken you to a psychiatrist and gotten you straightened out."
If I transition, "I will never support you." She would not want me home ever again and would demand I stay out of my hometown.
When I tried to point out that I would still have my interests, "Then do that as a male." The few groups I do have "will never accept" me as a woman.
"You need to get a therapist who will help you accept being the man you are. ... Make the brain match the body."
"Did you think of what this would do to US?" She is supremely pissed off about being told this time of year. "We will not get used to having anything but a son."
"Think about your grandmothers. How would they react?"
She can accept having a socially inept boy who will die alone, but not a transgender girl who might find a way to be happy. It is clear she would prefer a dead son - metaphorically or literally - over a live daughter.
She had talked to my sister, who told her she would cut me off from the kids if I transitioned. The only statement in my favor was that Mom didn't think I was a pedophile - and yes, that was the word she said. "The kids can't be told about this. They won't understand."
The only hormone she'd be in favor of is testosterone - which, despite my protestations that it would do everything to my body and mind I didn't want, said would be better.
"Think of all you will lose. Will it be worth it?"
I spent time after that talking to my brother on the phone, then therapist again before he left, then relatives who were supportive of me but shocked at the depth of Mom's reaction.
I stupidly answered the phone when Mom called hours later to see if I had returned, but I hadn't. Mom said she loved me, but now I know that means "unless you do that thing. Then we'll disown you." She has complete power over me and knows it.
I have no choice. I would lose the only things that are right in my life. I must live decades more as I have lived the last 20 years of my adult life- as a genetically doomed pathetic freak and failure who doesn't deserve happiness.
I am sorry this is so difficult for you but if it comes up again, I have a suggestion for you. When your mother asks you to explain why you feel this way and why you think treatment will help, pose this to her.
She probably doesn't understand how a car engine works or the electronics make the car run. She probably doesn't know how to repair it. That doesn't prevent her from using it to get from one place to another. We don't truly understand why we feel the way we do however we know what we need to fix it and we know how we will feel if we don't fix it. If we don't understand it, it's very likely she wouldn't understand any explanation we could give. The only reassurance you can offer is that you will proceed with caution and if something doesn't go right, you will take the time to understand it before proceeding.
Let's get one thing right. It's not all "you will lose." It's all this woman is "taking away." This is not on you. You're not even getting a chance to stumble, fall or lose. No, You are being bullied by the one person that should love you unconditionally in this world. And I am furious on your behalf. Your mother is vain. The biggest indication of this is that you "aren't allowed in your hometown" She fears the judgement of her peers. She won't stand by you because she thinks you'll embarrass her. I know you're hurting but please call her out. Expose her pride In front of everyone. Strip her of her standing and ask her why her love comes with so many conditions! It's not too late!
My heart breaks for you, Jen. But don't let this woman who will abandon you for any reason determine the biggest decision in your life. Weigh the pros and cons reasonably, please. Assume that she may be the one left standing alone in bigotry because when others see how much light you bring they will want it in their lives.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this...
YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS!!!!
There might, MIGHT, be a glimmer of hope.
Mom called me today and we talked for nearly an hour. She said she has read a lot more, and as of today, "don't know where I am on acceptance." She wants to find her own therapist for this.
The one thing she wants me to do right now is hold off on hormones two months until after niece's birthday. Done.
She is understanding, perhaps even welcoming, of the months it would take before I began to change, and I assured her that if I did not like what was happening I would stop.
"This is a big extreme to take. I hope it's not a case of 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em'," in regards to my complete failure as a man with women. Truth be told, I've pondered that too.
If I have my parents' support, or at least non-hostility, I can see a way forward. But otherwise, given how absolutely in the pits I was yesterday, I love them too much to lose them, even at the cost of my own potential happiness.
I'm relieved to hear it! Two months is a drop in the bucket.
Jennifer I am very glad to see this, although I wouldn't stall much past that point unless you want to for other reasons.
I delayed my transition when I was convinced my parents would never accept me, before I talked to them. I wasn't concerned about my career - if my current employer had issues I'd go work for a competitor. My parents were my only barrier and a large one in my mind. Having gone through this now, I believe talking to them earlier would have been a better option.
You are doing the right thing by communicating well and accurately, and knowing some things require time for people to understand and process. I have little patience with random peoples' opinions because it is my personal life and decision, not theirs to run. But I make exceptions for helping family and partners understand - they may need more time. Some people can change over time and some do not.
I went to my first support group meeting yesterday. I was complimented on having good fashion sense. (I have now had multiple women say this about me in different outfits. One day I might believe it.)
I spilled everything about me and what happened the last two weeks. There were tears in the room and a few gasps.
I don't know how much else I can share, though, since one of the ground rules is not talking about it on social media.
I came late to this thread but I am so sorry about your experience coming out to your mother and hope that over time she comes to accepting your wishes. I am in the same boat...my mother is NOT accepting, and I feel awful transitioning without her support, because (a) i love her and (b) she will need my support as she grows older (she's widowed and in her 70s and I am her only child). I too hope that over time she will come to accept things, but we're not there yet...
Hang in there...
Sarah
Jennifer,
I just found this thread and wanted - no make that needed - to crawl through cyberspace after I read the details of your mother's rant just to encircle you with loving arms and hold you in the biggest hug I can muster. And now there may be some signs of softening? Well perhaps.
I know that waiting two extra months could be excruciating. and I know not if your niece's birthday is a big family event but it strikes me as though she's afraid that she wants you to hold back just in case you would magically appear as a woman and embarrass her in some way. (Oh, would that hormones did their magic ever so quickly!)
Your mother may be exhibiting some signs of grief over the loss of her son; anger at a loss is often an initial response. If the time gives her a better chance to wrap her mind around what will be happening, it's only a few weeks out of the rest of your life.
I will repeat what Elle said because this is truly your life:
YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS!!!!
Susan
Thank you, all, for the hugs, at least in spirit.
THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-SIX DOLLARS FOR BLOOD TESTS. I was not expecting that. Ow.
I met a family counselor for the first time today. This is not for me so much as it is for Mom to find someone to talk to. The counselor was very understanding, and though I was presenting as male she was fine with using my female name and pronouns. (I don't know how that will go over with Mom at this point, though, so I said male pronouns in reference to me when talking with her was fine.)
I gave the very condensed version of the past 20 years (or, really, 18 to 21 years ago plus the last two). I also gave her a copy of the letter I had written for Mom and Dad ("This is a beautiful letter"). The counselor said that I show very common signs of late onset gender dysphoria. It made me feel better.
Thinking back, now I realize she asked me if I "spent a lot of time comparing myself to other women" and I responded "Constantly" without even really thinking about it. I completely glossed over her saying other women.
I had a normal enough conversation with Mom regarding the rest of the year. I have a feeling that Christmas will very much be a "don't ask don't tell" event. But in less than two months, all bets are off.
Christmas with the family was completely normal, perhaps even disturbingly so. The hitch was on my end, because I have been feeling like garbage since Saturday night and the doctor wouldn't give me anything for it but cough medicine.
That meant I couldn't play with the kids at my sister's. That hurt a bit. But otherwise, everything was as if I hadn't announced my plan to blow up the world. I honestly do not know what to make of it. It could have been making sure everyone had one last good Christmas. It could have been a group exercise in denial. But it could also be (consciously or not) a form of psychological intimidation: "You like this? You want these six hours of family next year, and the year after that, and those other days? Then deny yourself and that thing you want to do for happiness."
There is no way Mom is going through the stages of grief that quickly, so to speak. It's more likely that mentally she's just put it aside for now. She has not made an appointment to see a therapist (recommended by the other therapist) yet, probably because of the time of year, and I feel that things are stuck until that happens.
The only thing out of the ordinary was when Dad caught me before I walked out the door to hand me a present I'd forgotten. He hugged me and told me merry Christmas, and I said, "I hope it's not the last." I think he said "We'll see" but it was soft enough I'm not sure.
It's official: Transitioning will split my family.
Sunday was my older niece's birthday. While it was the second time in a month I would go to my sister's house, it had the potential to be the last ever. I arrived early. She was watching a movie with the kids.
I asked my sister's husband if what I had heard was true, that if I transition she would never let me see the kids again.
"She is dead-set against what you plan to do, and I have to respect her wishes."
So should I treat this like the last time I'll ever see them?
"If you do what you plan to do, I think so."
She would rather unperson me than deal with explaining to the children about their new aunt. There will not be a chance to change her mind.
But I don't know how that's going to work. At some point the kids will ask questions. I don't know if I'll be allowed to even mail presents to them, under any name. There will inevitably be community things I want to go to that they will attend. And Christmas. And funerals, because there WILL BE funerals. Unless I'm disinvited/banned from everything, which I suppose is possible, or plain just not informed. It could depend on if Mom is going to hold to her initial demand for me never to show my face again at home or in town after beginning transition.
The only words my sister said directly to me (besides asking if I wanted to take some cupcakes) were at the end when she said "Take care of yourself" (as I gave an extra-long hug) and "Bye".
To describe my current state as anguished would be underselling it.
If I don't transition, I will be able to be part of their lives - and be miserable for the rest of mine. But there is a cloud over every interaction with her that no amount of _inaction_ on my part can repair. (I honestly do not know if she would let me be alone with her children, now that she knows this about me.) If I do transition, worst-case scenarios abound, but depending on how or if my parents come around, disavowing my existence is going to be easier said than done.
I did my best to hold the kids and let them know I loved them no matter what. But they're 6 1/2, 4, and 2. They won't remember.
Ugh - I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Hopefully your mom eventually comes to terms with things and she forces the issue in your favor with your sister. I know what you're going through in terms of potentially losing contact with many members of the family and struggling to overcome the conflict between maintaining important friendships vs. embracing your identity. It's an ongoing challenge / emotional conflict for me as well.
Jennifer I am sorry to hear about your sister's mindset. Absolutely none of this is your fault. You're made a very personal decision based on your past and future, and you are taking the initiative to aim for better.
Some people drift through life and look back at an increasing pile of regrets and what-ifs as years go by. Some people aim to experience a fulfilling life, setting goals for the long run and then going for it. The sad part is those who attempt to destroy others for taking the initiative to truly live life.
This just my opinion. I wasn't there so I don't know every nuance involved, but I think this is too significant to go unsaid with a third person conversation relayed through her husband. I would ask her for a one-on-one talk, in person.
Your sister needs to tell you her viewpoint directly and not hide behind someone else.
As of Friday, I am back on hormones. Here goes everything. Again.
Quote from: Jennifer M on February 09, 2019, 09:15:08 PM
As of Friday, I am back on hormones. Here goes everything. Again.
@Jennifer M Dear Jennifer:This is wonderful news to read.
I trust that this time around that things will go very well for you.
I will be checking in on you on your postings on your thread and other threads that you may post on, to offer any intelligent comments and thoughts that I may have.
Regarding family relationships and how they deal with your transition, if it offers any comfort to you, please know that you are not alone with having difficulties in that regard. I have much turmoil and non-acceptance issues with my parents and my immediate family and with some of my old long term friend that knew me before... it is something that I am still focused on coming to amicable solutions with all of them.
One thing about parents and immediate family members they will always be your family and our love and respect for them should not be in question. It is important that we take the high road and not say things or do things in anger (even if they start the argument) that we could later regret as life goes on or in the case of our older family members when sickness and death happen. Words can never be taken back and once spoken will always be remembered. Again, no regrets!!!!
Thanks again for sharing with us...
Hugs and best wishes,
Danielle
I told my (regular) doctor today at my physical.
She said she was "excited" and "proud" for me, but was sad by what I told her about my sister. She also agreed to keep my HRT out of the general file.
She also said I had "great" skin and had lost 12 pounds in a year. I guess being sick to the point you don't WANT to eat twice in two months is a good diet plan.
She said she looked forward to seeing what I look like at our next meeting. We'll see.
As for the HRT itself, the spiro is having an effect for sure (or, at least, that's my perception). The E, on the other hand, I wouldn't know what I should feel differently about.
Quote from: Jennifer M on February 20, 2019, 02:59:20 PM
I told my (regular) doctor today at my physical.
She said she was "excited" and "proud" for me, but was sad by what I told her about my sister. She also agreed to keep my HRT out of the general file.
She also said I had "great" skin and had lost 12 pounds in a year. I guess being sick to the point you don't WANT to eat twice in two months is a good diet plan.
She said she looked forward to seeing what I look like at our next meeting. We'll see.
As for the HRT itself, the spiro is having an effect for sure (or, at least, that's my perception). The E, on the other hand, I wouldn't know what I should feel differently about.
@Jennifer MDear Jennifer:Wow, you have found yourself a great Doctor. I am very excited to read about your Doctors' reaction to your coming-out announcement and your HRT medications.
... and WOW, she is "excited" and "proud" of you .... and she had empathy for you regarding your sister... and if that is not affirming enough for you, she said that she is looking forward to seeing what you look like at your next visit.... fantastic for sure.
If I were you I would definitely keep your Doctor.Thank you so very much for sharing with all of us....
I will be eagerly looking for more of your updates.
Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle
I made it to the support group again, where my issues dominated, again. Mainly it was my debate about how to contact my sister. My therapist flat out would not give an answer as to whether I should e-mail her asking what i can and cannot do for her kids or if I should e-mail to ask for a face to face talk to ask those questions.
In the larger scope of dealing with my family, I had to firmly explain that "F them" was not an acceptable option.
And now my schedule seems to be settling into a "worst-case scenario" where I will be unable to attend either band (where I am accepted) or the support group.
For the last two months, I have had trouble loading the forums on Firefox. It only loads occasionally. Did something change?
Quote from: Jennifer M on March 04, 2019, 12:12:35 AM
I made it to the support group again, where my issues dominated, again. Mainly it was my debate about how to contact my sister. My therapist flat out would not give an answer as to whether I should e-mail her asking what i can and cannot do for her kids or if I should e-mail to ask for a face to face talk to ask those questions.
In the larger scope of dealing with my family, I had to firmly explain that "F them" was not an acceptable option.
And now my schedule seems to be settling into a "worst-case scenario" where I will be unable to attend either band (where I am accepted) or the support group.
For the last two months, I have had trouble loading the forums on Firefox. It only loads occasionally. Did something change?
@Jennifer M
Dear Jennifer:Regarding your therapist and the fact that you were not "flat out" given an answer regarding just how your should contact your sister.... either by email or asking for a face to face meeting...
... my own experiences with therapists is that they can lay out your options that you have discussed with them and the advantages and disadvantages of your possible next steps that you can take to solve an issue
but ALWAYS the final decision is YOURS to determine how you will proceed....
Yes indeed, writing your family off is never an acceptable option. They will always be your family, and with immediate family such as parents and siblings, I would never suggest that one should burn bridges. It is way too easy in the heat of a moment to get into an argument and say things that you can never retract... once spoken, those words are out there forever, even if forgiveness is exchanged, those angry and hurtful words can still haunt you. Later on in life you do not want to have regrets.
You can not control how they react but you can control how you react and what you say. You should always show your parents your respect and love, your siblings too... if a bridge gets does get burnt jus
t be sure that it was not you that lit the match.
Regarding
FIREFOX ... I have always used Firefox exclusively and successfully on 3 different computers to login to Susan's Place and
never ever had an issue.
Just be sure that your
Firefox is updated to the latest updates and look over your add-ons and other settings in FireFox that may cause issues.
Worst case, delete the FireFox browser and then do a fresh download with the the factory default settings to see if that solves your problems.... if it does then you can start configuring the settings and add-ons as you see fit to do, but just a few at a time to make certain that they are not the cause of your log in issues.
Wishing you well with your life events.... proceed with lots of careful thought and choose your words with much care as you interface with family members. Gaining acceptance from family members can be a most difficult gauntlet to get through, but remember it is also very difficult for them too.... thier son is now a daughter, brother is now a sister, etc...
Many HUGS and best wishes, thanks for sharing ...
Danielle
On the issue of bridges with family, I'm basically paralyzed right now for that exact reason. I'm walking on eggshells as it is, and don't want to push too hard. I've felt the best thing is to give them time, and right now, that's what I'm doing. But I also think I should be communicating with my sister before I start to show changes. E-mailing and not having any personal talk would significantly decrease the chance of a heated argument and angry words, that's for sure.
On the browser, if it's an issue of "now broken/not always working under old versions of Firefox" then I'll have to try it in Chrome because I can't update FF anymore. (Also I dislike the UI change that happened a while back.)
Of course, anger at things being broken online for no good reason, or getting broken in an "update", is a rant for some other forum. ;)
Back on topic :D, I relayed my scheduling issues at band tonight and the director said he would look at future concerts with an eye on "accommodating her", while meaning me. ;D
Jennifer
What an awful position to be in, families can be the most difficult to navigate. My brother was all supportive with me and then turned on me about 9 months into transition and took my parent with him. My parents still speak to me but just barely. Having said all of that I would not change it at all...it is really unfair for someone to use their relationship as a way of getting what they want at the expense of your happiness.
It is unfair in the extreme and to be honest there will come a time when you nieces and nephews will be old enough to make the choice themselves. Its messy and horrible with what feels like a lose lose situation. You only get one go around at this life and you sister is happily living her life as she wants it...don't you deserve the same?
I hope you can work it out with the least amount of loss in your life.
Take care
Liz
My family has never been good about talking about feelings, and this hasn't made anything better.
My parents are of the age that it's time to prepare for when they're not here. That includes inheritances...and a gravestone.
I found out yesterday that they have their stone ordered. They are big into genealogy, so they want as much information included as possible - including the names of their children.
I just got off the phone with Dad. His arguments, from their perspective: That's the way things are right now (which is true), there's no guarantee of a change on my part, and "that's how we've known you for [decades] and that's how the town knows you."
There is "no way in h-e-double-toothpicks" my male name isn't going on their stone.
As I suspected, the way my impending transition is being dealt with, is that it's not being dealt with. Dad said Mom has gotten wound up when it IS brought up. Their second appointment with a counselor was postponed (weather).
Family has been the biggest reason I delayed and delayed. I am pressing forward, but it's not going to get any easier.
@Jennifer MDear Jennifer:For what it is worth and I do hope that it offers you some solace and comfort, YOU ARE NOT ALONE with non-accepting immediate family members.
Even though I came-out over 4 years ago and have been full-time for over 2 years, back in December 2016.... I am still not accepted by my parents...
...For the first time in 2 years I took the long trip to visit them back home at Christmas time to discover that nothing has changed... but I am making my best effort to not burn any bridges with them or others back home that do not accept me. Even if they express anger and say unsavory things I will not respond in anger.... they are my parents and always will be, I owe them my love and respect for that... later on in life (and in death) I do not want any remorseful regrets. Angry and hurtful words can never be taken back and are not easily forgotten.
Taking the high road is a good choice I think.
Feel free to read some of my entrees on my thread that I posted just before and just after Christmas, you will discover that my experience with my parents is not much different than yours.
Hugs and best wishes,.... stay strong.... and take the high road.
Danielle Quote from: Jennifer M on March 06, 2019, 12:01:55 PM
My family has never been good about talking about feelings, and this hasn't made anything better.
My parents are of the age that it's time to prepare for when they're not here. That includes inheritances...and a gravestone.
I found out yesterday that they have their stone ordered. They are big into genealogy, so they want as much information included as possible - including the names of their children.
I just got off the phone with Dad. His arguments, from their perspective: That's the way things are right now (which is true), there's no guarantee of a change on my part, and "that's how we've known you for [decades] and that's how the town knows you."
There is "no way in h-e-double-toothpicks" my male name isn't going on their stone.
As I suspected, the way my impending transition is being dealt with, is that it's not being dealt with. Dad said Mom has gotten wound up when it IS brought up. Their second appointment with a counselor was postponed (weather).
Family has been the biggest reason I delayed and delayed. I am pressing forward, but it's not going to get any easier.
But that's going to be a key difference in our experiences. You say you went two years without seeing your parents. I live an hour away from mine. Since college I typically do something with them once a month, and at least once every two months. I greatly fear losing that.
I can't emphasize this enough: My parents are my only friends. I will need their support to show myself in my hometown after I transition (remember that Mom's initial reaction was she didn't want me coming back ever again). If they cut me off I will be more of a hermit than I already am.
TWO MONTH UPDATE
Latest refill of spiro went from round pills to oblong pills with a STRONG minty taste. I presume this is just a switch in generics?
My nipples hurt. I think that's supposed to be a good thing? The pain is more concentrated when I press them but sometimes it feels more spread out. If I have any growth, it's minimal or an optical illusion. I probably should stop squeezing/touching the areas to encourage change ;).
I could say my urge to put on women's clothes has decreased, but my urge to put on clothes, period, has decreased. I have no energy and just stay in pajamas until it's time to go to work.
I don't see any facial changes, I don't feel any different, and I don't get any sort of "buzz" when I take my pills, all things that I've seen people my age report or have told me. I worry about that.
My body is still hairy all over the place, most of my immediate family is still opposed, my insomnia is as bad as it's ever been, and my work situation grows ever more concerning (for reasons unrelated to transition). So, nothing has changed there either.
At two months, it is too early to stress. Most of the changes I experienced occurred from six to 12 months in. Boobs were a bit faster, and were full size (such as it is) at about 9 months. The fact that they are hurting is good news.
Quote from: Jennifer M on April 09, 2019, 06:13:52 PM
TWO MONTH UPDATE
Latest refill of spiro went from round pills to oblong pills with a STRONG minty taste. I presume this is just a switch in generics?
My nipples hurt. I think that's supposed to be a good thing? The pain is more concentrated when I press them but sometimes it feels more spread out. If I have any growth, it's minimal or an optical illusion. I probably should stop squeezing/touching the areas to encourage change ;).
I could say my urge to put on women's clothes has decreased, but my urge to put on clothes, period, has decreased. I have no energy and just stay in pajamas until it's time to go to work.
I don't see any facial changes, I don't feel any different, and I don't get any sort of "buzz" when I take my pills, all things that I've seen people my age report or have told me. I worry about that.
My body is still hairy all over the place, most of my immediate family is still opposed, my insomnia is as bad as it's ever been, and my work situation grows ever more concerning (for reasons unrelated to transition). So, nothing has changed there either.
I am at almost three months HRT, and everything you talk about in terms of effects is exactly the same with me. Boob soreness is just like you describe...I have had some limited growth (1/2 inch), but nothing else that noticeable. Also, urge to dress is mostly gone. Hang in there and keep going!
Sarah
My worldview/life philosophy forbids versions of "things couldn't get worse," because they always can. So I won't say it.
But it has been an awful past six days. The good was far outweighed by the bad.
I attended a consultation session for laser hair removal on my body. When the form said "I consider my gender to be:" I decided to go all-in on disclosure as Jennifer as much as I could. I had to anyway, since a list of medications was needed. ("Reason: gender transition")
The doctor couldn't have been nicer. Seeing what I'd put on the form answered the question of "why" and she went right to "Do you want to have bottom surgery?"
She went through the company's official spiel. When I said I'd spent 30 appointments and thousands of dollars on my face, she explained (what I presume to be) a disappointing truth: The place I'd been going had a laser, but it wasn't real medical laser hair removal, and that one only required six months for certification (that is, my words here, I'd been going to maybe half a step above a fly-by-night operation).
But this company demands full payment for an unlimited number of sessions, rather than a fixed cost per, in a set number of months. It's literally all or nothing. My SSN and income were plugged into a black-box-website that said I did not qualify for the extended-pay plan nor a loan (at an interest rate that would kill me anyway).
The "good news" is there's a lifetime cost maximum - $10,000. This would be a more enticing figure if 1) I had not sunk nearly half that into my face already and 2) their payment plan demands all payments in an 18-month period. So I could do part of the body, but still have to pay that cost over 18 months.
I broke down in tears when I saw the full cost. But of course I'm desperate. I could start with the torso and work toward everything else. Looking at the rates, the monthly special brings it down to paying for a used car rather than a new one.
Days later, I made a call to another place, and again when I said I'd had 30 appointments on the face, the person on the other end of the line audibly gasped. But this place, while offering per-session payments, in the long run might not be as cost-effective as doing chunks of the body over a very long time toward a lifetime max. And in my state, none of this counts as "medically necessary".
Just saying the words "Hello" and "Speaking" got me sir'd on the phone.
Then I got more work schedules. Remember how I've said that I'm in a (concert) band and they are completely cool with my femme self? Well, with the new schedules, I can't go to band practice. An analysis of my past year and a half of schedules shows a distinct change in a co-worker's schedule last November that may mean I can't count on Mondays off which would mean I can't be in band anymore.
I called my parents wanting to cry about this, but it ended up an hour of yelling because Mom's opinion is that my choice boils down to either "work Mondays" or "be unemployed". They didn't understand I can't ask for days off more than a month in advance, and were not sympathetic that I am spending more days (but not hours) at work than some co-workers. So I called a fellow band member and cried to her about it instead.
I suppose all that counts as a sign the hormones are doing something?
And there was another work meeting that said changes were coming but gave me no assurance about how my division was going to fare. Still scared to death over this.
Oh, one other thing. I called my sister. She didn't answer. She didn't call, text, or e-mail back even though it would have been clear I called.
In short, everything is awful, my body is awful, and nothing is going right save for the fact I remain employed.