Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone!

This is my first post here. There are so many things I want to talk about, but one in particular that keeps me awake at night and that I cannot come to grips with without hearing the experiences of other trans women.

I'm 33. While I have been fantasizing about being a woman all my life, I have only identified as transgendered for the last two years. However, the feelings have been so intense that transitioning seems almost unavoidable. I am married to a woman whom I love dearly. I also have two children. There are so many things to think about that concern the choice of transitioning, but I want to ask about just one of them, namely love and sexuality.

As I said, I am married to a woman. She knows about and tolerates my "cross-dressing", but she does not want to see me in my female state. She has made it clear that she does not want do live with a woman and that if I were to transition, she could not bear it. In other words, if I choose to transition I will probably lose her.

Losing my wife would pain me deeply, but it might just be inevitable, and I might be able to survive it. However, I cannot live without love and partnership. If I transition, it seems I might need to find someone else to love me. But can anyone love someone like me?

What complicates the problem is that I am bisexual. Since my earliest sexual memories, I have been strongly attracted to men. However, a gay relationship has always been out of the question. What I have wanted is to be desired as a woman and to be with a man as a woman. Transitioning would give me that option, and I know that as a woman I am also quite beautiful and attractive. However, I have deep concerns about being with a man. While it should be no problem to find a man who is sexually attracted to me (many evidently are), I feel that no one would be romantically attracted to me. Who would want, publically, to be with a woman who is also a father? Would they expect me to conform to all the ideals of womanhood, something I could never live up to?

I am probably more sexually attracted to men than to women. But I am sexually attracted to women too, and I am more romantically attracted to women than to men. To live with a woman as a life partner seem more appealing than to live with a man. This might seem like a luxury problem, but it is not. I want both. I have lived all my life without being with a man, and that pains me. But giving up being with a woman pains me just as much. And it's not like I can just choose anyway. Who would want me? What man would want me (beyond as an exotic sexual encounter)? What woman would want me? And if there are any, how would I find them?

And then there is the problem of sexual functioning. I would like to start with hormones. To what extent can I expect to have a functioning sexuality at all? Will it be possible for me to have "normal" sex with women? Will I feel sexual desire at all after having blocked my testosterone? How will that affect me? Sexuality has always been important to me. Will it still be so after losing my physical desire? Will I be troubled by that, or will it just cease to be a problem? Will I lose my desire for men at the very same time that I feel that I am woman enough to be with one?

I hope someone can help me. What kind of experiences do you have in finding a partner of either gender after transitioning? Are there any other bisexual trans people who can advise me on how to cope with my desire for both? How have hormone treatment affected your sexual desire and functioning?

There are many other important things to consider in choosing whether I should transition, but this one is something I can't figure out all on my own.

Hi Mathea,

Welcome to Susan's Place.

Sexuality and gender are two totally different things.

It is apparent you feel female. To what degree you transition is something I recommend you review with a gender therapist. For me it was something I put off to the point of almost killing myself. I am glad I got help and chose to be myself. I hope you get some help to sort out what you need to do.

HRT for me reduced my libido when my T went to nonexistent. I take a small amount of T each day now as it was zero. I am post op.

I always in my mind pictured being with a guy and could only ejaculate when in my mind I was with a guy. I get a warm feeling when I imagine a guy being with me. Always have and always will. I can be with a female but it is not exciting. Perhaps with a prosthetic it could work.

I was married and have 1 daughter. My ex could not be with me if I transitioned and we divorced. I was devastated and was depressed form the divorce. It took me 2 years to finally admit to myself it was good for her and me. I can be myself and she can not be in a situation she did not want.

Every woman wants to be beautiful. Some of the most beautiful woman I know are beautiful from their inner beauty.

Quote from: Mathea on November 24, 2018, 05:19:56 PM
Hi everyone!

This is my first post here. There are so many things I want to talk about, but one in particular that keeps me awake at night and that I cannot come to grips with without hearing the experiences of other trans women.

I'm 33. While I have been fantasizing about being a woman all my life, I have only identified as transgendered for the last two years. However, the feelings have been so intense that transitioning seems almost unavoidable. I am married to a woman whom I love dearly. I also have two children. There are so many things to think about that concern the choice of transitioning, but I want to ask about just one of them, namely love and sexuality.

As I said, I am married to a woman. She knows about and tolerates my "cross-dressing", but she does not want to see me in my female state. She has made it clear that she does not want do live with a woman and that if I were to transition, she could not bear it. In other words, if I choose to transition I will probably lose her.

Losing my wife would pain me deeply, but it might just be inevitable, and I might be able to survive it. However, I cannot live without love and partnership. If I transition, it seems I might need to find someone else to love me. But can anyone love someone like me?

What complicates the problem is that I am bisexual. Since my earliest sexual memories, I have been strongly attracted to men. However, a gay relationship has always been out of the question. What I have wanted is to be desired as a woman and to be with a man as a woman. Transitioning would give me that option, and I know that as a woman I am also quite beautiful and attractive. However, I have deep concerns about being with a man. While it should be no problem to find a man who is sexually attracted to me (many evidently are), I feel that no one would be romantically attracted to me. Who would want, publically, to be with a woman who is also a father? Would they expect me to conform to all the ideals of womanhood, something I could never live up to?

I am probably more sexually attracted to men than to women. But I am sexually attracted to women too, and I am more romantically attracted to women than to men. To live with a woman as a life partner seem more appealing than to live with a man. This might seem like a luxury problem, but it is not. I want both. I have lived all my life without being with a man, and that pains me. But giving up being with a woman pains me just as much. And it's not like I can just choose anyway. Who would want me? What man would want me (beyond as an exotic sexual encounter)? What woman would want me? And if there are any, how would I find them?

And then there is the problem of sexual functioning. I would like to start with hormones. To what extent can I expect to have a functioning sexuality at all? Will it be possible for me to have "normal" sex with women? Will I feel sexual desire at all after having blocked my testosterone? How will that affect me? Sexuality has always been important to me. Will it still be so after losing my physical desire? Will I be troubled by that, or will it just cease to be a problem? Will I lose my desire for men at the very same time that I feel that I am woman enough to be with one?

I hope someone can help me. What kind of experiences do you have in finding a partner of either gender after transitioning? Are there any other bisexual trans people who can advise me on how to cope with my desire for both? How have hormone treatment affected your sexual desire and functioning?

There are many other important things to consider in choosing whether I should transition, but this one is something I can't figure out all on my own.

@Mathea   
Dear Mathea:
    There are no "easy answers" that apply to everyone, as you share your posts here and read other posts and replies you may be able to get some answers to your questions.

   I am most pleased that you had decided to join the Susan's Place site.

    Please allow me to also welcome you here.
    Thank you for writing your first postings.... as you get more involved in exchanging comments on various posts other members will be along to offer their thoughts and comments in response to any of your specific questions and concerns..

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.

    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)	Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html)
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@Mathea
Oh, and another thing, Mathea,
Would you please make a point to stop by
the Introductions Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) to tell more members about yourself and therefore be able
to receive and to give more suggestions and shared thoughts.

Now, after all of this Official Greeting stuff you can have your thread back !!!!

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place,
Danielle

It all depends on a variety of different factors, but generally speaking a good rule of thumb is to have ideal blood levels for your specific needs. With the help from your endocrinologist, you may be able to find what levels work best for your desired level of libido. Also, don't be shy.. ask what else can help. There are medications that improve blood flow to your genitalia, there's vitamins that increase human growth hormone which plays a role in libido, there's progesterone which a lot of transgender females have said helped raise libido. With lots of tinkering, and finding out what works best with the guidance of a professional will come the sex life you desire as far as functionality is concerned.

Now.. this is where everything else comes into the picture. How badly do you want it? How much are you willing to fight for the sexual attention you desire? You need to put yourself out there and date quality people whom will make you feel appreciated and desired. Overcome those mental barriers, unlock that innate ability to explore new ideas. It's all about experience, and improving your expression. Nobody said things are going to be easy, but when the reward comes, it feels THAT much sweeter.

Quote from: Mathea on November 24, 2018, 05:19:56 PM
Hi everyone!

This is my first post here. There are so many things I want to talk about, but one in particular that keeps me awake at night and that I cannot come to grips with without hearing the experiences of other trans women.

I'm 33. While I have been fantasizing about being a woman all my life, I have only identified as transgendered for the last two years. However, the feelings have been so intense that transitioning seems almost unavoidable. I am married to a woman whom I love dearly. I also have two children. There are so many things to think about that concern the choice of transitioning, but I want to ask about just one of them, namely love and sexuality.

As I said, I am married to a woman. She knows about and tolerates my "cross-dressing", but she does not want to see me in my female state. She has made it clear that she does not want do live with a woman and that if I were to transition, she could not bear it. In other words, if I choose to transition I will probably lose her.

Losing my wife would pain me deeply, but it might just be inevitable, and I might be able to survive it. However, I cannot live without love and partnership. If I transition, it seems I might need to find someone else to love me. But can anyone love someone like me?

What complicates the problem is that I am bisexual. Since my earliest sexual memories, I have been strongly attracted to men. However, a gay relationship has always been out of the question. What I have wanted is to be desired as a woman and to be with a man as a woman. Transitioning would give me that option, and I know that as a woman I am also quite beautiful and attractive. However, I have deep concerns about being with a man. While it should be no problem to find a man who is sexually attracted to me (many evidently are), I feel that no one would be romantically attracted to me. Who would want, publically, to be with a woman who is also a father? Would they expect me to conform to all the ideals of womanhood, something I could never live up to?

I am probably more sexually attracted to men than to women. But I am sexually attracted to women too, and I am more romantically attracted to women than to men. To live with a woman as a life partner seem more appealing than to live with a man. This might seem like a luxury problem, but it is not. I want both. I have lived all my life without being with a man, and that pains me. But giving up being with a woman pains me just as much. And it's not like I can just choose anyway. Who would want me? What man would want me (beyond as an exotic sexual encounter)? What woman would want me? And if there are any, how would I find them?

And then there is the problem of sexual functioning. I would like to start with hormones. To what extent can I expect to have a functioning sexuality at all? Will it be possible for me to have "normal" sex with women? Will I feel sexual desire at all after having blocked my testosterone? How will that affect me? Sexuality has always been important to me. Will it still be so after losing my physical desire? Will I be troubled by that, or will it just cease to be a problem? Will I lose my desire for men at the very same time that I feel that I am woman enough to be with one?

I hope someone can help me. What kind of experiences do you have in finding a partner of either gender after transitioning? Are there any other bisexual trans people who can advise me on how to cope with my desire for both? How have hormone treatment affected your sexual desire and functioning?

There are many other important things to consider in choosing whether I should transition, but this one is something I can't figure out all on my own.

Hi Mathea 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place, I'm Jessica!

Oh my....we have much in common.  One difference is our age, I'm 62.  My sexuality mirrors the description you give yourself, and I too find it easy to love a woman, as I do my wife dearly.  But I do feel I could fall for a guy too.  I would need to transition entirely for that to occur for me.  At my age and still married to true love, I don't feel it would do me good to change the status quo in that regard, but I may transition completely all the same. 
You on the another hand are still young.  There are choices you need to make that will allow you happiness in the future.  If you feel your love for your wife is worth fighting for, try counseling, it may make a difference. 

I see you have been greeted by our lovely Northern Star*Girl @Alaskan Danielle.  She is one of Susan's Official Greeters and cares so much for the well being of everyone here.  She gave you links to some very handy tips to making your visits to Susans Place a great experience.  Please give them a look see if you could.

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

Quote from: Mathea on November 24, 2018, 05:19:56 PM
And then there is the problem of sexual functioning. I would like to start with hormones. To what extent can I expect to have a functioning sexuality at all? Will it be possible for me to have "normal" sex with women? Will I feel sexual desire at all after having blocked my testosterone? How will that affect me? Sexuality has always been important to me. Will it still be so after losing my physical desire? Will I be troubled by that, or will it just cease to be a problem? Will I lose my desire for men at the very same time that I feel that I am woman enough to be with one?

I am 55 and married to an amazing woman who has decided to stay by my side. I have been on estradiol since March 2017, adding spironolactone in July 2017. Since March of 2018 my testosterone has been virtually zero. Everything still works, but only when we want it to and at not quite the same firmness as before. Viagra does help, but it isn't a requirement. My libido is non-existent, and I don't miss it at all. We tend to hug more, and show affection in more subtle ways. For us, sex is not a requirement for love.

Quote from: Mathea on November 24, 2018, 05:19:56 PMI am married to a woman whom I love dearly. I also have two children. . . . attracted to men

          Hey Mathea your story parallels mine quite closely! Welcome how old are your children? Are they more important to you than anything else? As a parent of two @ over the age 40 your wayyy ahead of me in the "family dept".  Kids are now 19 and 21 and, while divorced 8 years now, 'ex' and I are once again together "sharing grandbabies"!
         Unlike many here @ Susans I too share your passion for the attentions of men as a woman, sans the "gay" part of course! If your kids are still young only thing I can suggest is do what I have done -> work on your medical, HRT transition (and perhaps hair, electro of face etc etc) and SKIP THE OUTWARD CROSS-DRESSING part remaining nominally 'male' until spouse has time to maybe catch up . . . In meantime do what you can and avoid too quickly the burning of bridges!

Again Welcome! As far as further "details" go I'll leave that for you to figure out!

A big thanks to everyone that shared their stories and their advice! It is very helpful!  :D I hope to tell some more about myself at the introduction Board nce I can find the time to write there.

It is good to hear that various things can be done to uphold some amount of libido, should I want to do so. What I am still very uncertain about is whether a reduced libido will be a problem for me or not, because I cannot quite understand how a very reduced or nonexistant libido would be like. Would I still wish for sexual intimacy in my thoughts, but at the same time feel a lack of response frm my body? A disconnection like that between mind and body sounds a bit scary. Or would sexuality cease to exist within me, feeling no desire at any level? If so, then I might not experience it as a problem, but it seems to me that I would miss out on a very valuable aspect of human life.   :(

I would also appreciate it if someone could weigh in with their thoughts about the prospects of finding a partner (and how!!!). While I'm trying to keep my marriage apart, it seems likely that it will not survive any further transitioning. I still wonder, what kind of man or woman will ever want me? While I am reasonably attractive (as a femme woman), I can't imagine anyone being able to overcome the shame of being wih me. No straight woman would be interested in someone who looks like a woman. No straight man would want a woman who is a father - not to mention the genitals. And things are probably the same for lesbian women as for straight men. Gay men I'm not interested in (nor they in me). While I know that sexuality is a spectrum and that there are all sorts of orientations out there, I just can't imagine being able to find anyone. And even if someone would be interested, it would just be too radical and involve too much shaming to be with a woman who is not only trans, but also a father. At least that's how it appears to me :(
(And if all these obstacles are overcome, there remains the question of whether the few remaining individuals would be someone that I would be attracted to).

I'm 44, bisexual, and MTF. I was married but my wife couldn't handle me being both bi and transgender so we live in an open relationship now for parenting and financial reasons. I prefer women over men, but won't say no to the right man. I identify as mostly female. It can be tricky being pre op but passable. Men will all show interest, right until you say you are trans. Lesbians... generally don't go for trans but I might have a good lead atm. :) Finding a date... is easy. Finding a partner is hard but I have a few good leads! Dating sites have a few candidates but be prepared to be swamped by ->-bleeped-<-s.

Functionally? It might as well be a decoration for all the good it does me. BUT you get this lovely reprogrammed body with new erotic zones, and a completely different response so its worth it!

You learn a whole lot of new things... discover there are lots of ways to do things you didn't consider before, and, with patience, will find someone. Just keep being optimistic! If you want to see my dating adventures go read 'a totally awesome day' it chronicles the last year and its been.... never dull!

HRT in my experience (I am bisexual, always had a strong preference for men though) relaxed the areas of my brain that were suppressing facets of my sexuality associated with the feminine, and rather than what happens with most FTM who becoming increasingly attracted to women, I just got even more attracted to men. So you might find your confusion/options increasing, or it might have the opposite effect of letting you relax more about the whole topic of sex and sexuality and who you are attracted to and maybe you'll stop worrying about it as much.

On the plus side, it's certainly easier for a feminine presenting person to attract a man to a straight-mode relationship than someone like me.

I had a reduced and practically nonexistent libido in my past life... it's the definition of a non-issue if you are single, you won't be troubled by it because you'll no longer have the wish for sexual intimacy occur to you much, if at all (unless it is some kind of engrained habit to fantasize), but if in a relationship where sex is needed it can be a bit of work.

Finding a partner - no idea. I suspect it's harder to find one of course but not impossible as people have varied tastes, but I've never actively set out to find someone open to this. I'm working on disengaging from the whole relationship stuff right now, and learning to be autonomous and finding value in myself again. It's necessary to have a self-sufficient core to go through this process I think, nor is it advisable to get into relationships from a position of personal weakness first... because they are a series of voluntary concerns that will be added on top of those from your transition. Be able to handle your transition and being independent first.

I've experienced the same confusion. I've decided that finding true love will have fewer complications after surgery.

Thanks for all your input. I guess HRT is one of those things where you can't really know how it is like until you have experienced it. I just wish all the human relations of transitioning weren't so difficult, and that people could be open to all genders. I know the kind of person that I want to be. Being her makes me happy. If I could only share and trust that happiness with another person who saw the same beauty in me that I now see, then the world could be alright...

Quote from: Mathea on November 30, 2018, 06:10:43 PM
Thanks for all your input. I guess HRT is one of those things where you can't really know how it is like until you have experienced it. I just wish all the human relations of transitioning weren't so difficult, and that people could be open to all genders. I know the kind of person that I want to be. Being her makes me happy. If I could only share and trust that happiness with another person who saw the same beauty in me that I now see, then the world could be alright...

Very, very well put.