hi
I'm pre-op for now. Life is let's just say not as enjoyable as it should be. I'm completely sexually dysfunctional right now, not only I can't find any man who has any interest whatsoever in so much as kissing me or even touching me(hatred in brazil is unbelievable after all this country is swarming with crazy fanatic christians), also my brain works too much like that of a cis gender woman. That is excellent for after my SRS surgery, as the mental aspect is as important if not more important than the physical aspect of the surgery. But for now it means that I can't even imagine myself having sex with my hateful bits. At all. Whenever I try to imagine my self having sex is with a vagina...in the way things are right now, it just doesn't excite me. I guess the mental part of my vagina is working perfectly fine, it's just that physically things aren't right.
The problem is, I still crave everything that is related to kama. Sex, affection, pleasure, love, romance, human touch, having both physical and emotional intimacy with someone... I have nothing. I feel absolutely no pleasure AT ALL. Nada. What's kind of grim is I have no idea when I'll feel pleasure and will be able to live my life according to kama. You know, like cis gender girls do naturally. Living a sexual life that isn't dysfunctional. To make matters worse, I had a cis female friend...well we were right there between friends and girlfriends. We had the intimacy of a couple even though we rarely ever kissed and all. That kinda gave me strength and made me feel normal, after all I had intimacy with someone. But something happened, we separated and uh...I'm just lonely. I have like one friend but as she has a kid and all we rarely go out and as I have no interest in other women and have prevalently heterosexual sexuality, we're just friends.
What I have now is praying to Shiva and asking Him that I'll be absolutely successful in everything that concerns this surgery, from financial to healing to sexual function. In return, I'll do pilgrimage to Mount Kailash, near the border with Nepal in China, where He once lived. That is all I have now, hope. I can't let it die.
Thanks for listening to my rant, it really helps letting it out in here.
I don't know exactly how you look upon this suggestion I'm hoping positively but have you considered finding a gay male or a bisexual male also there is the option of a lesbian or pansexual woman with a strap-on believe me both are nice the real thing is a lot better than the toy but if you really need that love and affection and all the wonderful things that come with being in a relationship you probably would want to look towards a female I would think I've had better luck getting intimacy from women that I have men but I'm pansexual I don't care about the gender of the person I care about the attitude of the person and who the person truly is on the inside that being said maybe try to find yourself a gay male or a pansexual male if you really must have a male that is
If you can't accept yourself, how can you expect others to accept you?