[OPEN][VENT]
Hi All,
Haven't been on here in ages. But have been going through a stage of trying to really get my life back together. A bit of context, I discharged (medically) from the Navy in Sept 2017 after quite a bit of harassment and voicing my concerns about the cover up of a sexual assault (mine, 2 weeks post-op from SRS whilst in hospital). Anyway I ended up putting on a lot of weight (close on 30Kg - maxing out at 105-110kg at one stage). and suffering pretty bad from anxiety an depression.
I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar (type II) and ASD amongst other things and have been trying to take each day as it comes for the past 12 months to get my life on track. Well after losing >15kg (about 92kg now) and signing up to complete my Uni degree I'm starting to find my confidence again and wanting to try and move forward with my life. But I cant help but still feel quite a bit of trepidation about simple daily things.
Anyway, I'm getting a lot of professional help but the gender, sexuality and interacting with people (to any capacity) stuff always goes over their heads.
Pre-transition I tried to tick the heterosexual box; despite a healthy curiosity in males, I never went further than kissing a guy. During transition I opened up a lot (which I think was half my problem and opened myself up to a lot of rejection and pain). Having being totally honest for the first time I tried to explore which unfortunately due to my position as a member of the military -lets just say it didn't end well.
I had only dated females (or at least biologically female) in the past. I had no experience with guys and ended up hurt on a number of occasions. About 6-9 months Post-op I had my first experience with a trans-man and it went well, we really seemed to click... for a time.
During the transition and even after I thought myself pansexual and to the later part perhaps asexual due to my thoughts of 'disgust' (or at least rejection) at any sexual experience. Now idk if this is me over-analysing things or simply the aspy part of me but my way of thinking has really shifted lately. It could be me being more comfortable or perhaps the opposite but I am certainly not so focused on my 'femininity'. Rather I kind of fill that more tomboy/lesbian stereotype wrt outward appearance. It may simply be me not wanting to be hurt anymore. But now even my preferences have changed.
To a large extent I have a desire for a relationship with a guy but I still feel quite a bit of self-loathing at that idea. As for a relationship with a girl or even anywhere along the gender spectrum I don't have the same level of interest but similarly feel less rejection to the idea.
Anyway, I was wondering about others experiences, and if they had felt similar shifts in there preferences and perceptions?
Honestly I don't know how much water this holds towards what I'm feeling or if this is me just overthinking things but... Prior to transition my porn habits were basically straight or trans. Although rarely for any sexual gratification more exploration. During transition particularly once I started HRT my desire to watch, explore, such content went up in smoke. And for the first several months after SRS was solely heterosexual on the rare occasion I did go searching. However over the past 3ish years that shifted to be solely trans and then a mix including cis on cis gay male porn. To now any real-life porn (videos, pictures, etc) pretty well disgust me, regardless of content. Now its more-so stories and at the more erogenous of times Manga (not the porn kind) both with gay (yaoi/BL) themes.
Is this me just trying to remove myself from the picture? or a disinterest in anything within reality? I'm not sure. My main concern is how this seems to reflect now in my lack of willingness to even interact face-to-face with people, finding most (>95%) intolerable and repulsive.
So to conclude my ramblings. I'm not really looking for / expecting a thoughtful heartfelt response from anyone just perhaps; responses by people who think/feel similar and want a place to discuss these things.
Thanks in advance :P
The thing that really struck me about your dilema was "Anyway, I'm getting a lot of professional help but the gender, sexuality and interacting with people (to any capacity) stuff always goes over their heads. " and my advice would be to not walk but run to get trans aware and SUPPORTIVE therapists. Keep looking. NON-folks will hose you.