I'm a 42 year old AMAB who's been questioning for the past 22 or so months. For the last year I've just been stuck trying to get beyond thinking that maybe I'm trans. I just can't get to a point where I'm sufficiently confident enough to conclude that I am indeed trans, and then do whatever I need to after that.
So, just thinking about this stuff has ceased to be productive. I already regularly epilate most of my body hair and often cross-dress in the privacy of my home, but it just doesn't seem to really make me feel any different, although I still feel compelled to keep doing it. Decades of depression and social anxiety are probably part of the reason that I don't know what I'm truly feeling.
I think that I just simply need to start making very subtle and incremental changes to my day-to-day presentation, and see what this does for me. The trouble is that in the office I work, the slightest thing could easily raise suspicion, and I want to avoid accidentally outing myself at this stage.
What is there that I can try without much risk of being noticed? I've seen suggestions elsewhere of under dressing, applying clear nail polish to finger nails, regularly using moisturiser, but what else is there? I'm already thinking about seeing if I can get away with growing out my hair, but that might be pushing my luck.
Any other ideas?
Yes, a gender therapist would be great, but that's not an option in the short-term, courtesy of the glacial GIC referral process in the UK...
Go private for gender therapist and HRT. You will learn a lot. If you dont like it or discover cross dressing is enough- then just stop.
I personally took that approach.
Kind regards, Kirsten.
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You could paint your toenails, I used to do that. Sitting when you pee is an easy one. You could also start carrying a man-purse, I did that early on, but I lived in Europe at the time so it wasn't that uncommon. You can use women's deodorant. You can try tighter clothing as well.
Just a few random suggestions.
Also have a look at "The Transition Channel" on YouTube. Its loaded with pre- transition ideas.
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Yes, consider going private. You may find better options that may be within your ability to pay.
While expensive, it can be empowering to take charge of your situation, instead of accepting what the government will provide. How much is worth to be able to stop waiting around patiently for your turn?
I'll be honest. In today's climate there is not a lot one can get away with. With transgender issues being in the news so much people will notice even slight changes that transgress the gender binary.
Quote from: Janes Groove on December 27, 2018, 11:24:17 PM
I'll be honest. In today's climate there is not a lot one can get away with. With transgender issues being in the news so much people will notice even slight changes that transgress the gender binary.
That is not my experience. Prior to transition, I wore mascara nearly every day at work for 30 years and never once had a single comment from anyone. Except for a few shirts, I have not owned any "male" clothing, and for probably 20 years have worn essentially only women's clothing, and not one person has ever made any comment. For a couple years a while back, I wore long fingernails. I had a few people ask about it, but I just said I liked them. When I pierced my ears, not one person at work said anything at all about it.
In short, I think you can "get away with" almost anything, and almost no one will say anything...
As for whether ANY of that will help with GD or any other aspect of your mental health, I would not bet on it...
Kate
Your frustration with the healthcare system is warranted, but you'll never see a therapist if you don't get the process started. Better late than never, as the saying goes.
The great thing about our society is we get to decide what to do with the money we make. I could buy a dozen bras if I wanted, or fly across the country to get some great tacos and meet some friends. If you are here figuring out your gender identity is more important that clothes or a vacation.
Is dieting an option for making your appearance more feminine? Belly fat is usually a gender tell.
Training your voice to pass as female on the phone is something that you could learn on you own without the expense of a therapist.
These are some ideas for subtle changes at work:
You could use "feminine" flowery scented bath soaps and washes.
Dress androgynously.
Polish your nails with a polishing block or board.
Perhaps you can grow out your hair.
Chrissy
Quote from: Confuzled on December 27, 2018, 09:32:27 PM
I'm a 42 year old AMAB who's been questioning for the past 22 or so months. For the last year I've just been stuck trying to get beyond thinking that maybe I'm trans. I just can't get to a point where I'm sufficiently confident enough to conclude that I am indeed trans, and then do whatever I need to after that.
Yes, a gender therapist would be great, but that's not an option in the short-term, courtesy of the glacial GIC referral process in the UK...
Hello Confuzled and Welcome to Susans.
I am also from UK and only decided to take positive action by therapy and then HRT in 2017 aged 62.
For both I registered as a private patient with GenderGP and I confirm they offer an excellent service for Transgender matters. I have great admiration for our UK NHS but unfortunately it is inadequately funded for Transgender care.
I wish you every success whatever options you choose to take.
Hugs
Pamela
I'm only presenting as female outside of work, at work I try to aim for a more andro look until I feel ready to go full-time.
These are the things I 'get away with'**:
- women's underwear and pantyhose if the weather gets colder
- only women's clothing, of course nothing really fancy, but if anyone takes a closer look they can see they are not male clothes
- only women's shoes, same as clothes, nothing fancy, mostly more elegant leather sneakers, some with hidden 2.5 inch wedge heels
- long, dyed hair, at the moment mostly to cover gray hair but people must have noticed that gray hair just vanishes from my head from time to time...
- longer than usual(for males) and shaped nails, painted with clear nail polish, toes painted with colored nail polish(not visible)
- no facial hair and mostly no hair anywhere on my body but only my arms are visible at work
- carefully shaped eyebrows so they look a little better
**: getting away with it means that people don't bring up these things but they are not stupid or blind either so I'm sure they know something is up
There are quite a lot of male fails, people, who don't know me often assume that I'm a female even when I'm not really trying to present as one, but as I wrote above, I'm not going for the male look either in these cases, so that's understandable.
Quote from: KatieP on December 28, 2018, 12:27:39 AM
For a couple years a while back, I wore long fingernails. I had a few people ask about it, but I just said I liked them. When I pierced my ears, not one person at work said anything at all about it.
In short, I think you can "get away with" almost anything, and almost no one will say anything...
Kate
I agree, I wear extended colored nails and three ear rings in each ear. And I present as male all the time, well 99.9% of the time.
So HRT is destroying my nails, delamination is best way to describe. Is there a way to get away with acrylics of a modest length/ and clear coated?
Quote from: Jaime320 on December 28, 2018, 02:53:08 PM
So HRT is destroying my nails, delamination is best way to describe. Is there a way to get away with acrylics of a modest length/ and clear coated?
Yes absolutely! Do a google map search of nail salons in your area, and read the reviews. Or try Yelp. I have finally found a salon within 20 minutes of me that does wonderful nails. I tried about 4 places before I found it.
Oh, and you should try biotin supplements.
Quote from: BlueJaye on December 28, 2018, 06:24:30 AM
Your frustration with the healthcare system is warranted, but you'll never see a therapist if you don't get the process started. Better late than never, as the saying goes.
Is a therapist required in the UK for HRT? In Ontario, Canada, where I live, it's informed consent. I asked my doctor about feminizing hormones and was referred to an endocrinologist. My appointment is in April.
QuoteI have finally found a salon within 20 minutes of me that does wonderful nails.
Mine's across the street from my home. They do excellent work.
Quote from: GordonG on December 28, 2018, 03:15:48 PM
Yes absolutely! Do a google map search of nail salons in your area, and read the reviews. Or try Yelp. I have finally found a salon within 20 minutes of me that does wonderful nails. I tried about 4 places before I found it.
Oh, and you should try biotin supplements.
@GordonG @AnneK
Thanks for tip. Salons not a problem, have been going with clear natural for years. Just don't know what to ask for, or if even possible to get a natural looking fake nail. One salon is out due to communication issues they've cut nails off twice now.
Quote from: Lynne on December 28, 2018, 09:00:37 AM
I'm only presenting as female outside of work, at work I try to aim for a more andro look until I feel ready to go full-time.
These are the things I 'get away with'**:
- women's underwear and pantyhose if the weather gets colder
- only women's clothing, of course nothing really fancy, but if anyone takes a closer look they can see they are not male clothes
- only women's shoes, same as clothes, nothing fancy, mostly more elegant leather sneakers, some with hidden 2.5 inch wedge heels
- long, dyed hair, at the moment mostly to cover gray hair but people must have noticed that gray hair just vanishes from my head from time to time...
- longer than usual(for males) and shaped nails, painted with clear nail polish, toes painted with colored nail polish(not visible)
- no facial hair and mostly no hair anywhere on my body but only my arms are visible at work
- carefully shaped eyebrows so they look a little better
Hi, I agree with the items listed above. I haven't shaped my eyebrows but wear makeup regularly when I am out of my house. I also wear women's boots at times, unique jewelry and I love scarves, so there are a few "tells" when I in the city.
Zoey
Quote from: AnneK on December 28, 2018, 03:40:23 PM
Is a therapist required in the UK for HRT? In Ontario, Canada, where I live, it's informed consent. I asked my doctor about feminizing hormones and was referred to an endocrinologist. My appointment is in April.
Hello again Anne
GenderGP in UK is virtually Informed Consent in that the HRT is under Informed Consent but they insist on brief therapy before HRT which may be only one or two sessions.
Hugs
Pamela
My GIC appointment is probably 18 months away so I see a private gender therapist and it's helped a lot. I also get meds from a private doctor which if you can afford it is the best approach.
However, to get things moving again I think it's fair to say if you have been questioning your gender as an adult for 22 months your likely to be on the trans spectrum. So, experiment with non visible stuff and see if it helps. For example, underwear, toe nails, sit to pee. There are some good lists online. I started to experiment like this and the relief I got was surprisingly significant.
Maybe also try reading some autobiographies and see if anything the author experienced matches with your feelings. I found sites like http://darahoffmanfox.com/ask-gender-therapist-know-im-transgender/
And YouTube very useful.
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on December 27, 2018, 09:55:06 PM
Go private for gender therapist and HRT.
I've pondered about going private for gender therapy, but I'm in the North of Scotland, and there's not exactly any suitably experienced therapists nearby that I know of. I think Edinburgh is the closest, but that's at least a 7 hour round trip, and I'm not a fan of travelling at the best of times. Yeah, some may do something over telephone or Skype, but I'd prefer in person.
HRT is simple, as I'm comfortable in going the DIY route, at least initially. I had previously tried a short trial on a low dose to see how it made me feel, but after just a month or two, I panicked when my chest developed independent movement whilst running down some stairs at work!
Quote from: KatieP on December 28, 2018, 12:27:39 AM
In short, I think you can "get away with" almost anything, and almost no one will say anything...
Ah, but due to there having been at least two transwomen in a similar job role to myself, in neighbouring organisations over the past several years, my colleagues are jokingly waiting for me! It's all in good humour, and my workplace would probably be a safe place to come out.
Quote from: Maid Marion on December 28, 2018, 06:40:05 AM
Is dieting an option for making your appearance more feminine? Belly fat is usually a gender tell.
Training your voice to pass as female on the phone is something that you could learn on you own without the expense of a therapist.
Back just days before I started questioning, when I was considering getting serious about cross-dressing, I decided that my obese belly really needed to go, and without a second thought proceeded to lose weight. I was 91kg (200lb) and just today I passed 66kg (145lb). My target weight is 65kg, so I'm almost there. When my work colleagues asked why I was losing weight, I just told them I needed to drop a few dress sizes, knowing that they'd think I was joking! I'm now around a UK size 12 rather than the 16+ I was before.
I have thought about maybe working on my voice. About a year ago I determined that I'm maybe around the top end of the male range at 162Hz, so I might be fairly lucky in that regard, but there's still room for improvement.
Quote from: CAB78 on December 29, 2018, 01:03:35 PM
However, to get things moving again I think it's fair to say if you have been questioning your gender as an adult for 22 months your likely to be on the trans spectrum.
...
Maybe also try reading some autobiographies and see if anything the author experienced matches with your feelings. I found sites like http://darahoffmanfox.com/ask-gender-therapist-know-im-transgender/
And YouTube very useful.
Yeah, I've read through Dara's website and watched probably all of their videos. I've even got Dara's latest book, although unfortunately I didn't find it all that useful. For the last 22 months I've probably spent almost every evening and weekend trawling through YouTube, various sub->-bleeped-<-s, and endless other websites. Since day one I've also been journaling, to keep a record of everything I read and relate to, along with anything else I think and feel. So far, it's up to 89,000 words, 175 pages, and there's no way anyone would think it had be written by a cis-gendered person!
So, thanks to everyone that responded, as it's given me some other things to consider trying. Hopefully something might help get me past whatever is holding me back and accept the inevitable. Ultimately in the first half of 2019, I think I need to gradually move to a more androgynous presentation of some sort.
It isn't just the pitch of your voice, but how you modulate it. I can drop the pitch of my voice and still male fail over the telephone. Women enunciate more clearly and talk faster. A rise in pitch at the end of a sentence is also common.
Thanks, I was forgetting about that aspect. It's an area I haven't paid much real attention to at all, but I was keeping in mind, along with general female mannerisms and movement. I have occasionally wondered what I might have unknowingly picked up from the largely female dominated office that I've worked in for several years.