So in one of my other posts.I mention a person who said they accept me before HRT. I am further a long now things are changing and I get treated differently...by this one accepting person.They tell me I am forcing change on them even though I tried to explain HRT and the changes like YMMV and the effects could be a few months from now or a few years.(this was before HRT) They told me I am selfish and I could have been helped if I was younger and why am I doing this to my self. I was mad at that and was thinking wtf do you mean I could have been helped.
I tried to explain this in the beginning, but this person didn't listen. I thought everything was okay...
My other parent tells me it's okay the one person is trying to process all these changes. On one hand they say do what I need to do, but on the other hand it's I am forcing this on people everytime I do anything little thing like get my ears pierced or wear a bracelet or check my hair in the mirror
I do not understand.
I tried to tell the one who doesn't accept me how much better I feel and I am not depressed any more. I can think clearly now and I feel more authentic, I actually like being around people and talking. I have accomplished a lot in these last few months. They say I am selfish because I robbed their happiness.
I then get from a person who claims to be non religious: that this is making people question their beliefs and upbringing.
I always get told they would have accepted me if I was girly from a young age.
I told them I was afraid to talk about it because my dad is super masculine and decided spanking and yelling would solve all issues growing up. I tried to explain it, but I give up because nothing I say or do does anything.
I even told the person I'd be willing to compromise and deemphasize what bothers them. All I get met with is a do what you go to do.
So, if I cannot do anything about it, should I be me or what should I do?
This person is confusing me.
I am trying to see this from their shoes and mine I want to be responsible. I mean if anything said sounds wrong please let me know I will correct.I am still new and I am learning this as I go along.
Quote from: Coffeedrew on December 31, 2018, 02:42:55 PM
They say I am selfish because I robbed their happiness.
Your job is not to make others happy, it is to make yourself happy. How can a true friend say they are your friend without also wanting you to be happy? I like to post this line from 'King of Anything' by Sara Bareilles (I have it memorized):
"All my life I've tried to make everyone happy, while I just hurt and hide waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide."
The first co-worker I came out to was initially awesome with me. I confided in her and felt I could trust her. Just three days before my planned coming out at work, she began questioning my decision. When I most needed support she not only abandoned me, but she argued against my decision. Her reaction did not stop me. On several occasions since then she has proven to be merely an acquaintance passing through my life. As painful as it may be, I would suggest you start putting distance between you and your friend. Maybe eventually they will understand and once again join your inner circle of friends.
You need to become who you were meant to be. Your happiness is important to those who are truly your friends, they will understand and support you. Love always -- Jessica Rose
This person needs to get into the real world.
Change happens! Nothing stays the same. People grow and develop. Each individual needs to deal with that or they will drive themselves crazy.
Quote from: Coffeedrew on December 31, 2018, 02:42:55 PM
I could have been helped if I was younger
You are helping yourself now. They are under the false impression that preventing transition is helping. We all know the stats that remind us how false that is.
QuoteI am forcing this on people everytime I do anything little thing like get my ears pierced or wear a bracelet or check my hair in the mirror
Sure, and they are forcing themselves on you when they change their shirt! It's just change. They need to deal with it.
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They say I am selfish because I robbed their happiness.
I then get from a person who claims to be non religious: that this is making people question their beliefs and upbringing.
Nope, you don't have that kind of power over others. Their happiness and their beliefs are their business, not yours. If they question their beliefs, then they weren't very secure to begin with. And maybe their upbringing should be questioned if that is how they respond to you.
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I always get told they would have accepted me if I was girly from a young age.
No they wouldn't.
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So, if I cannot do anything about it, should I be me or what should I do?
You should be you. They can like it or they can dislike it. That is their choice.
Thanks. Today at dinner with my famiy, this person thought they agreed with them, but my family actually disagreed with them and sided with me. I really do feel bad because they feel like everyone is agreeing with me.
My weakness is empathy for people.(I am working on it.)
Everyone just wants me to be happy and they can tell I am happy, and I am feeling better. I know people probably do not accept me, but them supporting me enough to let me sit at that table and eat made me cry. I at least have support, so hopefully, time will heal this.
I am going to just move forward.
Hi Drew,
Maybe your family's attitude will have an effect on the person. But if not, as you say you have to move on.
I find it heartwarming reading about your family siding with you.
~Dee.
I think that you should focus on self-sufficiency and not needing the validation of other people. Little choices about wearing a bracelet or how you look at yourself in the mirror is not forcing anything on anybody, no matter what this person says. They are clearly saying it because they have a personal stake in the issue - either they don't want to see you do these things because it makes them feel bad, or they have a stake in a belief. I would guess the former. It sounds like the sort of thing a spouse or family member would say because they believe the person you "were" (in their mind's eye) is being usurped, and they would prefer if you stayed the way you were. The more invested someone is in their image of you the harder it is for them to accept change. Hence it's particularly difficult with lovers, or religious people who devoted their whole lives to a set of rules, or sometimes even longtime friends who simply don't want to face having to adapt to the situation.
But this is your life, not theirs.
Quote from: Kylo on January 02, 2019, 09:39:38 AM
They are clearly saying it because they have a personal stake in the issue - either they don't want to see you do these things because it makes them feel bad, or they have a stake in a belief. I would guess the former. It sounds like the sort of thing a spouse or family member would say because they believe the person you "were" (in their mind's eye) is being usurped, and they would prefer if you stayed the way you were. The more invested someone is in their image of you the harder it is for them to accept change. Hence it's particularly difficult with lovers, or religious people who devoted their whole lives to a set of rules, or sometimes even longtime friends who simply don't want to face having to adapt to the situation.
Hello again Kylo
I appreciate your summary above on the subject of refusal to accept and non adaptability. I agree entirely.
Hugs to all.
Pamela
Selfish is expecting someone to stay miserable to save themselves possible embarrassment. My mom told me I was being selfish and that I didn't care how much shame and embarrassment I caused my family. That really bothered me. I worried that my dad and brother were were ashamed of me. When I first started my transition my brother once asked me why I always stayed in my room when my dad had his friends over and they always asked where I was at. I told him I didn't want to embarras my dad in front of his friends. He told me my dad wasn't embarrassed by me at all and that he showed his friends pictures of me all the time. I asked what pictures and he said since I always ran from a camera my dad took shots of me with his phone without me knowing it. Embarrassment over me being trans was entirely her problem. My dad and brother were never embarrassed by me being trans but she caused me a lot of stress telling me they were. If someone finds the fact you are trans embarrassing then you can spare them that problem by not having them in your life. They are the selfish ones, not you.
As for someone questioning their religious beliefs over a trans person then I would say that person's faith was weak to begin with. But again the solution to this problem is not having this person in your life anymore. Problem solved. Sometimes you have to cut people out of your life for your own peace of mind. It can be hard but sometimes you have no other choice. Unfortunately I had to cut my mom out of my life. I was so much more relaxed after she moved out of the house and even more so when she moved to another state.
As for someone not being trans because they weren't feminine and didn't try transitioning when they were very young, I myself thought the same way. I was always very feminine from an early age. My dad was always tolerant with me and didn't try to force masculinity on me. I started hrt at age 17 and fully transitioned. I thought all that was normal and couldn't understand late transitioners. It wasn't until I joined this group and started talking to people that I learned my experience was actually quite unusual. I learned that it has only been fairly recently that trans children have been accepted and actually treated with puberty blockers and hrt. Some of the stories I've heard here are heartbreaking. People who had parents try to beat the trans out of them, conversion therapy, electro shock, forced testosterone treatment and being committed to a mental instition. I can certainly understand why these people tried to bury their trans feelings and try so hard to conform. It's so sad. So the argument that you need to have been feminine from an early age to be truly trans is invalid. Unless you are my age or slightly older, if you displayed trans behavior or told people you were trans you most likely would have been subjected to the horrors I just listed. I actually know of only one woman here that was able to transition at a young age during the 60s. Her experience is very rare and unusual.
All you can do is get toxic people out of your life. It doesn't matter what you say or how much you say it, some people will never change their ignorant beliefs about trans people. Period.
Well, what sounds wrong to me and you might not to someone who has never experienced gender dysphoria... I hate to simplify it, but gender dysphoria is a medical diagnosis that needs to be treated. It's not always through medication and/or socially transitioning though.
You're only one person and you have to support and guide yourself through this. It may be lonely for some of us, but what other choice do we have?
Starting over somewhere new is a path some take. It's definitely appealing to me... I know Ashley on here always says to make the world your own and I'm paraphrasing her because it's true. We evolve within our lifetime... Think about that [emoji33]
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Hello again Julia
Yes sadly that is the way it is and has been. I agree on your 3 points:
1. The family member or friend cannot and will not change and this is what is selfish. The "usurping factor" as Kylo describes.
2. A mistaken religious view that being trans is wrong and offends God. It may offend that one person who cannot change their thinking but it does not offend God who loves us all whether cis or trans.
3. Indeed I had to hide I was trans for decades. It is only recently (perhaps since 2005) that the Transgender subject has really come into the public domain here in UK and even more recent (perhaps since 2013) that transition for children with or without puberty blockers has been considered.
However I have decided to publicly transition later this year and I congratulate you on your transition.
Hugs
Pamela