Why or why not? The longer I'm on T the more I think I'd consider it. Adoption and fertility treatments add up quickly.
Infertility treatments and adoption definitely can get expensive.
Full disclaimer - I have no issue with trans men being pregnant. Whatever a person is comfortable with is 100% their choice and in my opinion doesn't take away from their identity, whatever identity they choose.
However, for me personally, I would be way too dysphoric to ever be pregnant. That is the crux of it for me. I just can't picture it. Getting periods (when I did get them) was awful enough. Being reminded daily of the fact that I had female organs would be very difficult for me (as it was with the pain I experienced with endometriosis and cysts). I had a total hysterectomy (uterus, Fallopian tubes, ovaries) in 2015 so it would no longer be an option at this point.
I am straight, however, so for us to have kids, my wife would have most likely carried them anyway and we would have needed (at a minimum) a donor so it never would have been straightforward anyway.
I will admit that I have less concern about kids, however. I'm step dad to three amazing and frustrating kids and have been there since they were 5, 2, and unborn. They're now 16, 14, and 11. For all intents and purposes other than legal, I'm their dad. So I maybe don't have the same need/drive those with no kids do. My wife would have liked to have another that was "ours" but, for a variety of reasons, we didn't.
If being on T long enough has made you comfortable enough in your body to carry a child and it reduces costs, then go for it man!
My spouse and I are still in our early twenties and are unsure if/when we may want children. I adore kids, but I have health problems/disabilities that may inhibit my ability to care for a child as well as I'd like. My spouse likes children, but isn't sure if they want any of their own.
We could have biological children if I carried, but I'm kind of terrified of babies and pregnancy in general. I'm also probably infertile, or likely infertile, due to long-term PCOS and general uterine/ovarian issues. And I want phalloplasty sooner than I'd ever want/be able to care for kids anyway. Our saving grace is that neither of us want to raise a baby/very small child, and we'd much rather adopt a 5-10-year-old through a comparatively low cost, state/provincial adoption agency (pending an eventual move to Canada, where my spouse was born). Or, if we're old enough to consider it, a pre-teen or teenager.
At the same time, sometimes I feel "baby fever." My oldest cousin has an eight-month-old who is such a stunning, handsome little boy who makes me smile whenever I see pictures/videos of him. I have friends with small children, and when I see how happy they are, I feel a sudden urge to do anything and everything for a child right now. Of course, these are unreasonable, irrational, and unrealistic desires, so I pet our dog and cat until the feeling passes. Within a few hours, I'm back to hating the idea of babies and pregnancy and going off T, and all is well.
I'm firmly of the mindset that if you want to carry a child, and you can care for that child appropriately and responsibly, go for it. Not my idea of a good time, but I love kids, and I understand why many men, women, and nonbinary people get pregnant to have them. More power to 'em.
- Alexander
Oh hell no lol, not me. I've had straight up tokophobia forever. Everything concerning pregnancy & birth send me into a panic just thinking about it!
Also I'm not a fan of kids being around me all the time.
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Frankly it's too late/risky to be doing that in my case (40s in a few weeks)
And previously I would say no. However T has a way of making you fearless and curing the psychological issues of an FTM. At least for me. It's cured practically every "issue" I have.
If it was with the right person - I say that with emphasis because although I know the right person exists but I have not been in a position to have anything to do with them - yeah, I would have no problem with it. I would keep it quiet though and not be selling the story to the media and whatnot lol. I think aside from my discomfort with the idea of pregnancy I have never had a partner that wanted kids. Or was particularly supportive. Or was one that I was 100% happy with. If all those things came together life would be VERY different. The "right" person for you puts you in a whole other world than the wrong one, very new scenarios can present themselves with the right person and those scenarios feel right.
I can tell you now the person I currently have in my life would be an abysmal father. He's stuck in his young adulthood psychologically and would be a nervous wreck with kids on the scene. If I also wanted kids he would definitely be holding me back on that front; and having kids with him would probably be a poor decision, not least for the kids. If he were quite a different type of person it might be wonderful.
As for me, I think I would be a sufficient parent provided my partner was also there to help. Pregnancy itself is practically automatic, I've been there once before but had to choose against it being in very poor health psychologically and physically at the time. It's not "difficult" to be pregnant, physically. It practically takes care of itself. Psychologically it's a nightmare if you're having trouble with it as an FTM.
Like I say being on T makes the idea completely fine, provided it was with someone worthy. You'd have to stop being on T during, and who knows what T has already done to all my organs there so I'm glad it's not really on the cards in a way. But again, I would only willingly get pregnant if the person fathering my kids ticked all the boxes.
When the massive obstacles this condition puts in front of you in life are cleared away... then the sadness of what you've been denied (i.e. a normal life, parenthood, normal relationships) really hits home. I don't feel a "need" to have kids, but I am aware I've been denied one of the most basic rites of living things by this condition. I suppose in the future it could really start torturing me. I've come to believe part of the reason I don't miss having kids is because psychologically I am still a kid myself, I was stuck as one unable to move on to the next phase of life (trapped by this condition in some ways as a child still trying to figure out how to function, how to "be" and WHO to be), so I've not felt like it was natural or time to move into adulthood and be a parent. I think it stymies one's mental growth in some ways. When you feel like you have barely been born yet yourself and not yet had the basics of life that you should have, the basic experiences you should have... I guess it's no priority to have kids. A friend of mine who was not trans but had gynaecomastia once described his waiting to get it sorted out as "pre-life". He felt like he was not free to go out and do the things he wanted to, and wasn't comfortable so he was just waiting there, gestating himself, held back. I'd say there's a lot of similarities to that and how I feel about my life before this point.
I would rather die than carry. I knew this from the moment I understood what pregnancy was.
I don't say this in criticism of anyone else's choices. To consciously choose parenthood is one of the best things a person can do for the future.
If I had a holodeck, some days I'd love to pretend I'm straight and loaded, and hand my wife my credit card for everything. Then I'd log off, enjoy my peace and quiet (and hard earned cash).
Had I been AMAB and extremely successful, MAYBE I could have fathered. I would have been generous but hands-off.
But the sound of me running and jumping through a window to escape is all I can give you at the thought of physically carrying a child. Byeeeeee.
The last 18 months I have been celebrating the birth of my two grand daughters. Witnessing my daughters joy at giving birth, I surely would, if possible. My brain is at loggerheads as I had always done my best to present as my birth gender because there were no alternatives but there was always that underlying knowledge that I was living a lie. I prayed to be a woman.
Getting pregnant? Been there, done that, have the stretch marks to prove it, not to mention I went up a cup size since I breastfed my kid.
Now, despite being across the US from them, I'm enjoying being Grampy to three beautiful grandkids.
I'm good. ;)
Ryuichi
Nothing sets my dysphoria alight like even thinking about pregnancy, I could never do it. I'll just adopt kids if I ever want them, which I'm thinking I won't. I know with certainty that if I were to ever become pregnant, my dysphoria would not let me survive a pregnancy.
I badly want kids but I can't even entertain the thought of using eggs from my body to make them, much less being pregnant. I wish technology would catch up... but I think I'd be happy to adopt, too, if possible.
I did have to mourn never having the choice to become a bio father or not when I was accepting myself.
Yes, but I finished that portion of my life (three kids) before I realized I'm trans and started transitioning. I absolutely loved the process of getting pregnant, and the pregnancies. The births, not so much (two emergency c-sections and a planned c-section). Trying for pregnancy and being pregnant I found to be the biggest turn-ons ever. I also find the idea of getting a cis woman pregnant (using my eggs) to be an incredibly satisfying thought. I guess you can say "fertility" is what I'm ultimately attracted to (for some people it's intelligence, for others it's a sense of humor, etc) both romantically and sexually.
Hmm, not my first choice. I will say though that having sorted out stuff for myself with the trans things, I'm at peace with a lot of things I hadn't been before... long way to say maybe? Definitely prefer adoption or surrogacy but $$$. I'm also over 40 which would be high risk. And I hate attention, and I don't want the sort of attention that would bring. Bad enough as is with people being too curious about my business. But i would like a family of my own...
*My statement is only reflective of me and my thoughts, and no one else.*
HECK no! I would rather die than carry a child. I am man, and men don't give birth. It is my desire to be masculine (as I can being a non-transitioner), and getting pregnant is FAR from masculine! That aside, I'd be a terrible parent. I have no interest in having a daughter. and I would have SO much dysphoria having a son, and I am too psychologically damaged and financially unstable to even care for a child. I will stick with my cat.
I have thought about it, but the chest growth in particular might be too much for me. I have very bad chest dysphoria, although mine are on the small side. That and my mother would assume that would automatically make me a woman when i'm not and I don't want her treating me that way. Not to mention the doctors visits would probably leave me feeling very dysphoric.
I want children but I could never get pregnant myself tbh. I would be far too dysphoric and even if I magically got rid of that dysphoria somehow I would still hate the thought of giving birth, it freaks me out. I wish I could get someone else pregnant but I doubt I ever will.
Despite being a woman, at peace with being afab and all my reproductive stuff that comes with that... nope. Pregnancy is where I draw my limit. It just seems too scary. I wouldn't say it's dysphoria for me but I've quite a bunch of fears about it. There's a lot of issues that can come along with that and child birth. Stuff that can go wrong. And responsibilities too. I can't even remember to feed or nap myself, I'd be a terrible mother with all my mental health issues.
Also, after my 6 years on T it's definitely not certain my eggs didn't get a little fried in there. And even if not, I'd have to go via sperm donors (cause I'm a lesbian) if I'd ever want a kid and I've heard that's not easy or cheap either anyhow. And also wouldn't be able to breastfeed due to that I've had top surgery, and I just keep hearing all sort of bad things about breastmilk replacements and how difficult it is to find/get the donated kind.
So uhm... nah, even if I wasn't so terrified of pregnancy in itself, I don't think I'd be particuluarly hyped about it anyway, considering all those issues and more that I'd have to take into consideration. Also, I've never really liked kids much. I just don't get them. I think I'll manage to lead a fullfilling and meaningful life without ever reproducing, and that's what I'm aiming for. Just making life worthwhile for me.
You know funny thing is, I used to be really anti the idea thinking it undermined that gender identity, that surely it should create massive dysphoria and be extremely difficult but that was before I actually started to question my own gender identity and realised that actually, not all dysphoria is how it's depicted in media and medical literature. It's not all wailing and anguish and not wanting to have anything to do with it and not everyone hates their female parts. For someone who's dysphoria isn't as intense, I can see how they could consider it. It's given me a whole new perspective on an issue I used to be REALLY uncomfortable with.
When I still believed myself to be Cis I had three children, at no point during that did my care ever make me feel dysphoric but then my whole life i've had a lot of gyno stuff so legs in stirrups in front of strangers is noooothing new.
I'm very very used to it.
Still, for me, I think had I worked stuff out earlier (and I am still in the process of working it out, still kinda half in denial) I think i'd have wanted to do the kid thing first before starting medical transition at all, a sort of last hurrah, a final "well lady body, let's use you for one last useful thing, get some actual purpose outta ya before we say goodbye"
I'm not sure if that's wierd but right now that's sort of how I feel about my own body. Like, I had three kids and that's amazing (I was told I couldn't have any) and I love and treasure them, but now I feel like my uterus and ovaries and all that have served their purpose. I endured them for all those years (they have NO made it easy with the constant pain and pcos) and got my babies but now they've done all I really ever needed or wanted them to do so can they just go away now?
I have no real attachment to them beyond their potential to bring life and they've done that and i'm not able to have any more (other half got the snip and i'm subfertile anyway) so you know.. see ya girls, nice knowing you (not)
But I think if i'd have begun transition it would be quite strange to then step out of my comfort zone and put that ol' "woman" costume on again. Some people can tolerate doing it but I feel like as a transman it's somehow even MORE of a sacrifice than it is as a cis woman. You aren't just giving up your body, you're giving up your identity for 9 months and sacrificing your own body image to do this.
I mean fair play to those who CAN do that but for me, I think that'd be just too much of an ask and would be a last resort after other options were explored. (We were considering the adoption process when I got miraculously pregnant with my second child, he was quite a surprise)
For those who ARE strong enough to say "you know, i'm okay with being a pregnant man and dealing with the social issues and the internal conflict" well good luck to you, it's going to be hard. Maternity services are extremely cis female centric, very very intensely female and as I learned, even fertility clinics are plastered with pictures of pregnant women and babies and use VERY gendered language. It's gonna be hard, if you've semi transitioned and present outwardly as male you're gonna get stares.
It's not something I personally could handle.
Part of me though always wanted to donate eggs, but with my cystic ovaries it's not actually safe. Which is a huge shame because there's all those eggs just going to waste and it makes me sad. I would have loved to try to donate eggs, just the once you know? Just to know i'd helped someone have a child, a sort of way to say thank you to the universe for giving me three miracles against so many odds.
I still love babies, so does my cis husband lol. We both coo over them but as I said to him the other day "it's not broodiness if I have zero desire to carry another one or have a newborn." because honestly the idea of getting pregnant again makes me feel a bit nauseous.
Even though I currently present as female, even though i'm still very much in the "not sure my gender identity completely" phase, the idea of another pregnancy makes me honestly just want to curl up and scream. *shudder*
Buuuuut that's less body dysphoria and more my last two pregnancies were massively and horribly traumatising and I still have PTSD (or so the hospital says) from the birth of my second.
Also breast feeding oh.. oh no... I didn't BF my eldest because the idea of having a baby suckle made my toes curl in horror but I was forced to with second child (oh look, another contributing factor to my trauma, they literally grabbed my breast and forced a baby upon it! It was so violating but I was to weak from blood loss to do much more than protest ineffectually) and the stubborn part of me eventually after recovery elected to breast feed on MY terms (because I didn't want my one experience of it to be this violation).
thing is, I produce a lot (and I mean a LOT) of milk, to the point I end up engorged and in agony. I swear the pain of engorgement was actually worse than labour and no pain relievers ease it.
Also the nurses are really unsympathetic and I got yelled at for sobbing in pain and begging for help because I was supposed to be "grateful I had any milk!"
Words cannot express how horrifically painful and awful engorgement was for me, it was legitimately hell and unlike labour which was 24 hours with a reward at the end, it went on for months...
I persevered purely because baby suction is way better than pump so gave me much better relief than pumping alone. Baby didn't need the milk so much as I NEEDED to be milked and ooo I hated it (gag)
When i think about pregnancy I can't help but think also of engorgement and the weeks it takes to go away if you don't touch your boobs at all which is what I had to do with my eldest who I formula fed (2... weeks... .of hideous pain and nothing helping because they won't give you medication to dry your milk up because it's "got a cancer risk". I was all I WILL TAKE THE RISK! gimmie a dang drug! but nooope. I swear they were just punishing me for not wanting to breast feed, it felt like punishment)
And that contributes to the all over full body cringe.
Of course not all people GET engorgement or produce enough milk to feed the whole damn maternity unit. But I do. it's the one "girl" thing my body is REALLY good at. (literally the ONE thing, WHY body? WHY?)
But for me it's reason enough to never ever ever ever ever want to carry another child inside my body again.
you know that and the morning sickness.
No. I am not that fond of kids and well, I would never consider giving birth.
NO!!!
That's nightmare fuel!
I've loathed pregnancy since I was a very young child... toddler... whatever. Something like that happening to my body is... it's just wrong! I wouldn't get pregnant even if I was the last biological female on earth. Just the thought of my body being able to do that makes me feel nauseous. Well, I have PCOS, which causes infertility, so that gives me some tranquility.
I did get pregnant. It reminded me at first of Alien. The physical feeling of it that is was like there is someone growing inside me..... moving around. Uuuughh. But i got used to it. Plus i was really looking forward to meeting the little human. What she looks like what she sounds like. She is now 11. And my son is 10. I never regret having them . I breastfed them both for 3 years each. Because it's good for them and plus they are really happy feeding and it makes them fall asleep plus it's always available and ready to be consumed. Very practical.
Pregnancy has one bonus and that is that orgasm is more intense. The entire womb goes womb.
Giving birth however is very unpleasant. The pelvis is pushed apart from the inside out. Ouch. It must be painful for the baby too. The womb does the pushing more or less on it's own. That was a surprise. No control over it whatsoever. Weird.very.
totally like alien right!? The laying there while your stomach actually distorts and little shapes (feet usually) probe outward AIEEEE.
I referred to mine as "my little parasites" hahaha. In the most loving way of course.
I don't regret them at all either. I see them as a sort of consolation prize for being born in the wrong body. Yes I had to endure years of the wrong gender, but I got 3 gorgeous babies out of it by way of appology. (not bad given I was told I couldn't have ANY babies due to my hormone issues)
I wouldn't do it again though. I have literally got PTSD from my second as I think I mentioned earlier. The idea of doing it again makes my blood run cold.
I love children, I love babies, but oh god no... never again.
Yeah, I remember that. I only had the nerve to go through it once though. Two, three babies like you two did? :o No way!
I remember once, my (ex-)husband laid his head on my then very pregnant tummy, and the kid kicked him in the ear! I thought I would die, I laughed so hard!
But now, I am so glad I will never, ever have to worry about pregnancies ever again! The upside of being post-menopausal. ;D
Ryuichi
I did it twice. And it was the weirdest and happiest thing I have ever done. I was in denial at the time, I knew (deep, deep down) that I was trans but I thought that I was so committed to the female identity that I had been putting on for so many years that I just had to soldier and try to be a woman. But I was definitely never, ever going to have children. I hated everything about my female biology, and I was utterly terrified of getting pregnant. Then, at age 38, I realised that I was going into early menopause, and that the window was closing. And I realised that I really, really wanted to have kids. My partner and I decided together that we would both probably regret it if we didn't have children, so I got pregnant, and then just held on for dear life, like I was on some out-of-control 9 month long fairground ride. I was actually disassociating so much that it didn't really seem like it was happening to me. It was like watching a movie while throwing up a lot. But the birth almost killed me. I couldn't handle it, so I fought it, which is the worst thing to do. It was 36 hours of mental destruction. I will not include gruesome details. But I lived, and a had this wonderful baby. She was a tiny miracle, and I have never had so much joy in all my life. So, two years later, I did it again. I now have two beautiful, amazing children, and I still don't know how I did it, but I am really, really grateful that I did.
In a weird way, it was the start of me coming out. My fake female persona had been so broken down (sleep deprivation will do that to you) that I decided to just abandon it, and be realistic about who I really was.
Last week I came out to my kids (I had previously only told my partner and close friends), and they had this amazing non-reaction. My eldest daughter said, "Why did you ever think that we would be worried about that?" and the little one said, "Yeah! We don't care if you grow a beard."
So obviously it won't work for everyone. But it worked for me.