Hello all. I am Zetsumei, a post 30's amab mtf. Ive lurked for a month or 2 now while i explored my motivations and who I am, thank you to all who have freely shared on this site, it has been helpful to me. Im uncertain where to begin....Ive felt like i should be a girl since I was a child, my parents are everything phobic so that wouldnt stand and somewhere along the way i began blending in like a champion. I only dared to dream of being my true self dueing moments of self gratification and actual dreams. As i grew older i repressed those thouguts more and more striving to be a 'real man'. This left me feeling hollow and confused. I became obsessed with milestones, if i found a girlfriend id be whole, if we were married id be whole, once im a father id be whole...
But, while i was happy it was....marred. Like i was numbed and couldnt feel that happiness. For a long time those moments of self gratification and later sex itself always left me feeling empty, like something was missing. I thought maybe my expectations were too high, maybe sex doesnt have any meaningful sensation tied to it. I finally stopped being a hypocrit and lookex hard at my life, my lifetime of yearning to be a woman, the sadness ahwn i awoke from a dream where I was one only to recall I was a male, how I loved so many clothing options for women and hated every option i could choose from without fear of judgement.
Ive met with a doctor for HRT just this past week and sitting there, speaking who i truthfully am outloud felt right. Like a burden was gone, like i was accepted as me. My wife knew ahead of time and wqs good with it, supportive. But when i told her how the appointment went, she panicked, it hit home. She is a cis gender female, mother of my children and my wife, she feared how this defines her. After much talking (and poor initial reaction from me, i thought we had covered all this previously) we've covered the matter.
Due to concerns towards my wifes right to happiness like my own and job considerations (Im a counselor working with a population who are not too welcoming to trans individuals and cannot outwardly present at this time) we did decide to pursue HRT but bottom surgery and facial is out and I am going to attempt long time stealthing, fortunately i have a beard. My only concern is that in doing so I'm being false to my identity, betraying the trans community in some manner by trying to sneak past others and removing the strength atanding together brings. I understand i may wish to one day fully transition but I'll cope on that day, I am unwilling to compromise my wifes happiness for the pursuit of my own and any desires that may I will process as I reach them.
Hi Zetsumei :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) | Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html) |
Hugs
V M
Hi Zetsumei 🙋♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place! I'm Jessica.
I'm happy you've found your way out of the readers zone, it's so much warmer inside.
As you realize, not only you go through big changes when transitioning. Spouses, children, friends, family, workmates all have to sort it out. It can be rough in some instances and in others it is a piece of cake.
Good luck! I'll be looking forward to your future posts.
@Zetsumei Dear Zetsumei: I am so very happy to see that you have signed up today as a member of Susan's Place and the Forums.
I also see that our lovely members
@V M and
Calfornia Girl @Jessica have already Officially Welcomed you... and at the end of her welcome message
@V M has provided you with
important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate and around the forums and get the most out of your time here on the Forums.
As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.
This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
I also want to warmly
WELCOME you to Susan's Place.
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members. When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others
and offer support to others. ....
***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will
make some new like-minded friends here.
Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
Make a point to look closely at the
LINKS in RED at the end of
V M's welcome message, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.
Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle