My day should have been great, because last night my friends threw a surprise "getting your balls taken" party, and it was a great evening with lots of laughter, and happiness!
Needles to say that I slept in this morning, and that must have given estrogen it's time to mess with my emotions! I started to cry, I did not have a real reason, and then I cried more because I was so sad that I was crying. Later I cried because of my failed marriage, and then about the dead born child we had, and about everything (writing this, the tears are starting to run again), about the fact that my parents did not have had the chance to see me as a woman, and they had wished so much that I would have been a girl. Now I am a woman, and they can't see it!
I did not get dressed at all, and stayed most of the time in bed and kept on weeping. Later today a friend came by to see what is going on, because I did not answer the trigger call, and she held me in her arms for a while. That felt good, but made me crying even more!
I never had a period of total sadness like this one, and I have no idea what is going on with me? Every really sad event of my life floated to the top, and was another reason to cry about!
I was always the tough guy, who did not cry, and now I have become a cry baby!
Did you girls experience anything like this?
I am so sorry you had a bad day.
There will always be days like this. But the sun will shine strong again.
Hugs
AJ
I did have a few weepy days, tho with everything you have dealt with crying seems a natural response.
Linde, we all have bad days from time to time. I think this is even harder on women like us who had to stay hidden for decades. We missed out on a great many things, and much of what we missed can't be replaced. Many of us have also lost friends and relatives. We can't dwell on what we missed out on, nor on those who have abandoned us. Be the person you always wanted to be, and don't let anyone tell you who you are. We have earned the right to be happy. Look towards your future, find joy in finally being free to be yourself!
Thank you ladies! I actually have to cry pretty soon, because I feel the warmth in your answers!
I am over it today, just had to let all the sorrows of the world out yesterday. My male ego did not allows that for decades, because I learned that real man don't cry! And I wanted to be a real man so badly!
I have a fun day ahead of me! My girlfriend (the one who did my makeup) will do my hair today, and after that the two of us go out into town to do some shopping.
Finally a day enjoying a woman's mind!
Quote from: Dietlind on February 11, 2019, 09:48:21 AM
Thank you ladies! I actually have to cry pretty soon, because I feel the warmth in your answers!
I am over it today, just had to let all the sorrows of the world out yesterday. My male ego did not allows that for decades, because I learned that real man don't cry! And I wanted to be a real man so badly!
I have a fun day ahead of me! My girlfriend (the one who did my makeup) will do my hair today, and after that the two of us go out into town to do some shopping.
Finally a day enjoying a woman's mind!
My wife had mentioned that since I'd started hrt I had become more emotional.
My response was "yes, I wasn't allowed that as a man and now I can".
It is true though that my emotions are heightened at times and I think my medications can have that effect occasionally.
I'm happy that you have found your smile again, being out and about expressing your true self can be so affirming.
Hugs and smiles, Jessica
Quote from: Dietlind on February 11, 2019, 09:48:21 AM
Thank you ladies! I actually have to cry pretty soon, because I feel the warmth in your answers!
I am over it today, just had to let all the sorrows of the world out yesterday. My male ego did not allows that for decades, because I learned that real man don't cry! And I wanted to be a real man so badly!
I have a fun day ahead of me! My girlfriend (the one who did my makeup) will do my hair today, and after that the two of us go out into town to do some shopping.
Finally a day enjoying a woman's mind!
@Dietlind Dear Linde:I read your earlier original message on your thread here and I immediately identified with the crying spells that you are having. For sure we can blame it on hormones but also on all of the deeply emotional experience we are going through.
Yes indeed long spells of crying will do wonders getting all of that out of our systems...
Today is a new day.You have all kinds of pleasantly female things to do today, that will help to improve your mod for sure.
I love having my hair done... perhaps you might consider a mani-pedi in addition to your hair done. ...
... and then some shopping... nothing better that girls going out shopping to improve your spirits.
Enjoy your girl's day out.... have a great day and be sure to give us an update about your day today.
Hugs and best wishes,
Danielle
Glad you are feeling better! :)
Have a wonderful day
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on February 11, 2019, 10:11:11 AM
Yes indeed long spells of crying will do wonders getting all of that out of our systems...
Yes indeed sometimes it's the best medicine . . . a bereaving which has to be done . . .
in finally saying goodbye to that painful "him"? CONGRATS job well done!
When you share what happened and then tell us that you usually are a tough guy and are not used to feeling this intense and crying so much. Then my first thought is that you have hold in and hold on for so long time. You might not have processed all these feelings and experienced and now they all come up to the surface at once. It is intense.
We all go trough better and worse hours in our lives. But we need to listen to our feelings and respect them. Respect ourselves. I feel for you. It makes me so happy to read that you have a friend that listens to you and offers you her open arms to rest in.
Hugs! <33333
Quote from: Dietlind on February 10, 2019, 07:20:16 PM
My day should have been great, because last night my friends threw a surprise "getting your balls taken" party, and it was a great evening with lots of laughter, and happiness!
Needles to say that I slept in this morning, and that must have given estrogen it's time to mess with my emotions! I started to cry, I did not have a real reason, and then I cried more because I was so sad that I was crying. Later I cried because of my failed marriage, and then about the dead born child we had, and about everything (writing this, the tears are starting to run again), about the fact that my parents did not have had the chance to see me as a woman, and they had wished so much that I would have been a girl. Now I am a woman, and they can't see it!
I did not get dressed at all, and stayed most of the time in bed and kept on weeping. Later today a friend came by to see what is going on, because I did not answer the trigger call, and she held me in her arms for a while. That felt good, but made me crying even more!
I never had a period of total sadness like this one, and I have no idea what is going on with me? Every really sad event of my life floated to the top, and was another reason to cry about!
I was always the tough guy, who did not cry, and now I have become a cry baby!
Did you girls experience anything like this?
I'm sorry you had a rough day! I have to say I had more than my fair share of days like you've just described. People who met me after primary school thought I was tough because I never cried. I have never really shown much emotion, even got commended for handling tough situations calmly.
I learned to control it, but still, when I'm alone there are moments when all of the sudden I just feel like this huge sadness approaching and then the crying starts sooner rather than later and usually that takes me even deeper until I'm a sobbing mess the whole day. And I'm not on hormones, I'm afraid that HRT will make this worse and I'll just start crying at work for example.
But there is an upside, usually after these days I feel a lot better than before. Hope you will feel better too!
Sorry you had a sad day. I have my moments on HRT that are very emotional but would not give them up for the world.
I hope tomorrow is better.
I think HRT expands our universe. Before HRT I had "binary" emotions. Angry or Not... Crying, feeling empathy and 10,000 other emotions is a huge gift that we don't even know we lacked.
I'm no doctor but would suggest one thing. If the not getting out of bed thing becomes a frequent thing don't be afraid to talk to your doctor. This could be a sign of depression. I know you have had some serious bumps in your road to where you are now. I really did need to talk to someone about it and this can be a life saver to identify and treat.
Feel better! You Rock!
Quote from: Dietlind on February 10, 2019, 07:20:16 PM
My day should have been great, because last night my friends threw a surprise "getting your balls taken" party, and it was a great evening with lots of laughter, and happiness!
Needles to say that I slept in this morning, and that must have given estrogen it's time to mess with my emotions! I started to cry, I did not have a real reason, and then I cried more because I was so sad that I was crying. Later I cried because of my failed marriage, and then about the dead born child we had, and about everything (writing this, the tears are starting to run again), about the fact that my parents did not have had the chance to see me as a woman, and they had wished so much that I would have been a girl. Now I am a woman, and they can't see it!
I did not get dressed at all, and stayed most of the time in bed and kept on weeping. Later today a friend came by to see what is going on, because I did not answer the trigger call, and she held me in her arms for a while. That felt good, but made me crying even more!
I never had a period of total sadness like this one, and I have no idea what is going on with me? Every really sad event of my life floated to the top, and was another reason to cry about!
I was always the tough guy, who did not cry, and now I have become a cry baby!
Did you girls experience anything like this?
Every now and then there are just days where girls cry. Last Friday I went through the pain of losing my cousin to suicide all over again after four years. It's not easy and if I talk about it too much I'm going to tear up again.
Try to focus on the more positive things in your life though. It's not good to focus on negative things for too long.
Hugs
Hi Linde
Days like you have had are awful and can be really hard to deal with. I can understand you wanting to just stay in bed and not face the world. It can really bring you down when you start to think about the loss you experience from not being able to live as who you are for so many years. Family are the hardest because it invokes in us all sorts of very deep personal me dories and emotions.
Take it easy on yourself and maybe it a day for just looking after you. Do things that are going take you happy and no one else. Sometimes we need to take the time to make ourselves happy.
Hugs
Liz
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
My head is covered now with curly waves, and nobody can make the mistake to call that a male hair do anymore!
I bought some green cargo capris with embroidered flowers on one leg, and a fitting top with lots of lace (I am a sucker for lace) that is so gorgeous that I would like to wear it tonight, and just sleep sitting up to not get it wrinkled!
Life is good!
Thank you ladies again for allowing me to cry a little bit on your shoulders!
Lots of hugs!
Linde
Happy you're doing better. Sometimes all it takes is something new to make you smile.
Hugs, Jess
Quote from: Swedishgirl96 on February 11, 2019, 01:24:00 PM
When you share what happened and then tell us that you usually are a tough guy and are not used to feeling this intense and crying so much. Then my first thought is that you have hold in and hold on for so long time. You might not have processed all these feelings and experienced and now they all come up to the surface at once. It is intense.
We all go trough better and worse hours in our lives. But we need to listen to our feelings and respect them. Respect ourselves. I feel for you. It makes me so happy to read that you have a friend that listens to you and offers you her open arms to rest in.
Hugs! <33333
Yes, it all came to the top ! I had a solid 8 or 9 hours crying session! I cried more yesterday than I did in the last 10 or 20 years combined!
Since the 'hormones' have taken hold I have "Moments" where I curl up in the bathroom floor and just grieve.
I grieve all sorts of things; the pains I've compartmentalized (as a man) and couldn't allow myself to feel; the grief I shared from others; and the happiness I missed.
Yes the lows are lower; but the highs are much higher.
I can now, truly share the triumphs & shortcomings of my grand children. I can emotionally share the grief of a family, when singing at church, for their remembrance of a loved one's Godly life. I can cry for a happy ending to a movie.
I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Yes, we've compartmentalized, and buried so much. Because we are women in mind & heart; it, really, messes us up.
Your day in pain was, unfortunately, desperately needed by your soul. You walked through the darkness and came out of it to the light.
I'm so happy for you!!!!
Yes, I've had many of those days; and yes the sun always comes out - tomorrow.
Kate
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I describe it in my head as emotional release and the longer I keep it inside of me the longer I cry. I have had a couple of spontaneous moments of just bursting into tears, but after it's done I feel very good like a weight has been lifted off of me. I have cried about all sorts of things from watching porn to seeing sad tv commercials. The weirdest thing is I cry from sexual activity, and my emotions are weird lol. For instance I could feel undeserving or I could feel amazing. It seems to be normal, and has not been a issue. I can also relate to people on a emotional level now. It's probably because I used to be so depressed and locked up in side that I just never saw it.
Anyway, I hope you feel better, and if I met you I would hug you.
Quote from: Dietlind on February 11, 2019, 09:02:07 PM
Yes, it all came to the top ! I had a solid 8 or 9 hours crying session! I cried more yesterday than I did in the last 10 or 20 years combined!
I am glad that you are feeling better.
Thank you again ladies. Your virtual shoulder are great to cry on, and your virtual hugs feel really good.
I seem to be not fully over it, bcause when I think about my crying, I could start again because I am so sad that I felt so sad!
Sigh...
(https://i.imgur.com/uttrEFs.jpg)
There ya go. Sorry I am just not big on pictures of me. Nothing to show off but my hair and today it was pretty flat. So, anyway.
Take care,
Michelle
Linde,
For being on Estradiol for only 3 months, you are now experiencing the emotional roller coaster many of us talk about.
We all have regrets and sadness concerning our past life experiences. It is just now that our emotional response swings to much higher and lower levels than before Estradiol. I hope that you will become more able to hold up under the low end with time.
Take care :-*
Quote from: IAmM on February 12, 2019, 12:48:25 AM
Sigh...
(https://i.imgur.com/uttrEFs.jpg)
There ya go. Sorry I am just not big on pictures of me. Nothing to show off but my hair and today it was pretty flat. So, anyway.
Take care,
Michelle
I like the girl I see in that picture!
Linde dear, you are finally feeling the effects of HRT that you have been waiting for! For the first time in your life your body and your soul are coming into agreement! Congratulations on your first deep experience of total womanhood! I am happy for you.
Thank you Dani and Dorit. My cis friend, who hugged me, told me that is what I have to go through once a month!
It actually felt good to just allow the sadness to flow out!
Quote from: Dietlind on February 12, 2019, 12:18:29 PM
Thank you Dani and Dorit. My cis friend, who hugged me, told me that is what I have to go through once a month!
It actually felt good to just allow the sadness to flow out!
I get the monthly visitor in any combination of abdominal cramps, soreness, headaches, mood swings and bloating. Still no ability to have a kid though ... ick :-p
Quote from: NatalieRene on February 12, 2019, 12:47:11 PM
I get the monthly visitor in any combination of abdominal cramps, soreness, headaches, mood swings and bloating. Still no ability to have a kid though ... ick :-p
You always can adopt one! It is way easier with the labor pain!
I don't know what is in store for me, because I don't really know how much female stuff is hidden inside me, and which is just waiting to have the estrogen levels right to come out, and claim their share to be seen/felt!. I cannot get a period anymore, because I had my menopause long ago, but I am a little concerned about osteoporosis, and some other stuff older women can get! Palpating my boobs is easy, because I used to teach that to cis women!
I think, I have just to go with the flow!
Quote from: Dietlind on February 12, 2019, 01:04:12 PM
You always can adopt one! It is way easier with the labor pain!
I don't know what is in store for me, because I don't really know how much female stuff is hidden inside me, and which is just waiting to have the estrogen levels right to come out, and claim their share to be seen/felt!. I cannot get a period anymore, because I had my menopause long ago, but I am a little concerned about osteoporosis, and some other stuff older women can get! Palpating my boobs is easy, because I used to teach that to cis women!
I think, I have just to go with the flow!
Once we get moved in I'll look into it.
Quote from: NatalieRene on February 12, 2019, 01:21:53 PM
Once we get moved in I'll look into it.
I hink you have to be married to be able to adopt, but I don't know for sure how it is these days. We had looked into it, and being married was one of the prerequisites.
Quote from: Dietlind on February 12, 2019, 11:51:56 AM
I like the girl I see in that picture!
Thank you. :) I kind of like her now too even though she is nothing special.
Going to delete her soon though, :P just feels weird have my picture where others can see. Why would anyone besides me care to look at pictures of me? I don't have a need for it either really. Thank you for being so kind!
I am glad you are feeling better.
It takes time to get a handle on E. When you think you have it under control then you see a cute puppy :)
The past is difficult for many of us. I understand you pain.
Quote from: IAmM on February 12, 2019, 04:47:38 PM
Thank you. :) I kind of like her now too even though she is nothing special.
Going to delete her soon though, :P just feels weird have my picture where others can see. Why would anyone besides me care to look at pictures of me? I don't have a need for it either really. Thank you for being so kind!
Because most everybody likes to see pictures of good looking women! It can be an inspiration, or a guidance, nothing wrong with leaving it up!
Hello again Linde
Sorry to read of your prolonged crying spell but relieved that you are now feeling better.
I have not had any prolonged crying spells but several short ones. It a strange thing the mind - we get flash backs of previous unhappy events and relive them again and again and this makes us cry or we mourn that we missed out on so much because we had to live a false life for so long.
On the other hand whereas we never wish to undergo pain, the good times are better and much more frequent than the previous good times as we are no longer living and acting a false life. Emotions become on a high!
Enjoy today, the remainder of February and the remainder of the year!
Hugs
Pamela xx
Quote from: pamelatransuk on February 14, 2019, 05:54:26 AM
Hello again Linde
Sorry to read of your prolonged crying spell but relieved that you are now feeling better.
I have not had any prolonged crying spells but several short ones. It a strange thing the mind - we get flash backs of previous unhappy events and relive them again and again and this makes us cry or we mourn that we missed out on so much because we had to live a false life for so long.
On the other hand whereas we never wish to undergo pain, the good times are better and much more frequent than the previous good times as we are no longer living and acting a false life. Emotions become on a high!
Enjoy today, the remainder of February and the remainder of the year!
Hugs
Pamela xx
Thanks Pamel! i fell pretty good again!
My next big event is the I am loosing my balls day on the 22nd.
That always reminds me of a song they played on BFBS (British Forces Broadcasting Service - I was born and raised in the shadow of the British Headquarters of the Northern Rhine Army), and BFBS was our most listened station. They had a morning show that always started with a song called "How's your parts". And the song was followed with an almost X rated,. but very hilarious report of the people on their parts! Whenever the term "parts" in relation to THE parts comes up, I remember that show!
People have funny key experiences they carry with them through their entire life!
I can't help but wonder if there is a connection between clinical anxiety/depression and gender dysphoria. All the suppression of feeling and self loathing spread out over years (in my case decades) had to cause problems. And anxiety/depression are normal for someone living under the chronic stress of being different. .
I've noticed since I finally was "man enough" (lol) to acknowledge my transgender needs, even if only to myself, my moods and thoughts are happier and life is better.
Now my stressors, with the exception of chronic stressors like fear and hiding, are more acute in nature - i.e "where the HELL are my car keys"
I still have my bad, sad, hard days, Linde. I suspect I always will.
I'm glad you're doing better! Just know it's normal. And keep talking it out, hon.
Xo
Quote from: Lexi B on February 22, 2019, 02:36:46 PM
I can't help but wonder if there is a connection between clinical anxiety/depression and gender dysphoria. All the suppression of feeling and self loathing spread out over years (in my case decades) had to cause problems. And anxiety/depression are normal for someone living under the chronic stress of being different. .
I've noticed since I finally was "man enough" (lol) to acknowledge my transgender needs, even if only to myself, my moods and thoughts are happier and life is better.
Now my stressors, with the exception of chronic stressors like fear and hiding, are more acute in nature - i.e "where the HELL are my car keys"
I still have my bad, sad, hard days, Linde. I suspect I always will.
I'm glad you're doing better! Just know it's normal. And keep talking it out, hon.
Xo
I would definitely second a link between the two. Anxiety and stress easily are higher while in guy mode.
Quote from: AoifeB on February 22, 2019, 05:55:23 PM
I would definitely second a link between the two. Anxiety and stress easily are higher while in guy mode.
Mine too!! I think it's the fear of the unknowns and "dad mode" where i tend to look out for my family's happiness first. And wishing I could look in the mirror everyday and see my true self, whomever she is.
Quote from: Lexi B on February 22, 2019, 06:14:54 PM
Mine too!! I think it's the fear of the unknowns and "dad mode" where i tend to look out for my family's happiness first. And wishing I could look in the mirror everyday and see my true self, whomever she is.
A year ago, I was a bit concerned about going out while "crossdressing". Now I just stroll around in leggings and a tank top without a second thought, but in my old guy jeans and a t shirt and I'm close to losing it.
Quote from: Lexi B on February 22, 2019, 02:36:46 PM
I can't help but wonder if there is a connection between clinical anxiety/depression and gender dysphoria. All the suppression of feeling and self loathing spread out over years (in my case decades) had to cause problems. And anxiety/depression are normal for someone living under the chronic stress of being different. .
I've noticed since I finally was "man enough" (lol) to acknowledge my transgender needs, even if only to myself, my moods and thoughts are happier and life is better.
Xo
Hello LexiB
I am sure there is a connection between depression/anxiety/stress and GD.
Indeed the GD was by far the major factor in making me depressed over decades. The so-called good times were when the depression was a constant feeling of being dulled and only existing and the bad times were when the depression was painful and caused aggravation and loss of temper. It was decades for me too as I always knew I was trans but buried and suppressed till 2017 when aged 62 I sought therapy followed by HRT in February 2018. I am publicly transitioning later this year aged 64.
Of course I have been depressed/anxious/stressed over other things but they were usually manageable; GD was and is a perpetual burden.
I wish you well.
Hugs
Pamela
I don't know the answer but I learned that my father's side of the family has a lot of depression problems. I was concerned with meds changing me into a "veg" or something. I've since learned that the right ones just make life normal. I'm not euphoric. I'm not vegged out I'm just having a normal which feels a lot better then chronic depression. I guess I could add anxiety issues but for me thats more event driven and does not appear to be genetic. But again there was a great(er) concern about meds and I have again learned that the right drugs taken in the right dose just get me to a functional normal. Ok, what I take is a bit sedating but 100x better then a panic attack. I would put in a pitch for therapy but I think most of us here are ok seeing a therapist.
HRT seems to be helpful in this as well but that can often be a second issue in addition to depression. At least that is my thinking. Either way good luck! Don't let depression slide its an awful way to live.
Quote from: Lexi B on February 22, 2019, 06:14:54 PM
Mine too!! I think it's the fear of the unknowns and "dad mode" where i tend to look out for my family's happiness first. And wishing I could look in the mirror everyday and see my true self, whomever she is.
Hello again LexiB
I must agree that for decades I was also preoccupied with my family and friends and work (I am now 64 and took early retirement) - there was so much paperwork in the early years and so much stress in the later years with everything electronic and answers hence expected almost immediately. My mother knew and never approved of my transgender feelings. This helped oddly enough keep the GD at bay at times but the GD never went away and returned regularly usually at an increased rate.
After retirement I was less stressed but still depressed but the GD became so dominant, I had no choice other than to seek therapy and then HRT. My mother had also died and I mourned her greatly but that obstacle was then removed.
Hugs
Pamela
Quote from: JanePlain on March 14, 2019, 11:38:16 AM
HRT seems to be helpful in this as well but that can often be a second issue in addition to depression. At least that is my thinking. Either way good luck! Don't let depression slide its an awful way to live.
Hello again Jane
As I said on February 23rd I have been depressed/anxious/stressed over other things but they were usually manageable; GD was and is a perpetual burden.
I suspect but I shall have to wait a considerable time to see it I'm correct in my assumption but I am inclined to think that after public transition AND after being fulltime public for some time that not only should the GD subside, but also the experience of fighting GD by HRT and by public transition and perhaps by surgery should instill in me (and hopefully many of us) confidence to fight other depression which might occur in later years due to circumstances unrelated to being transgender. I certainly hope so!
Hugs
Pamela
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 11, 2019, 09:38:00 AM
Linde, we all have bad days from time to time. I think this is even harder on women like us who had to stay hidden for decades. We missed out on a great many things, and much of what we missed can't be replaced. Many of us have also lost friends and relatives. We can't dwell on what we missed out on, nor on those who have abandoned us. Be the person you always wanted to be, and don't let anyone tell you who you are. We have earned the right to be happy. Look towards your future, find joy in finally being free to be yourself!
I needed to hear this.
Quote from: pamelatransuk on March 15, 2019, 05:45:44 AM
Hello again LexiB
I must agree that for decades I was also preoccupied with my family and friends and work (I am now 64 and took early retirement) - there was so much paperwork in the early years and so much stress in the later years with everything electronic and answers hence expected almost immediately. My mother knew and never approved of my transgender feelings. This helped oddly enough keep the GD at bay at times but the GD never went away and returned regularly usually at an increased rate.
After retirement I was less stressed but still depressed but the GD became so dominant, I had no choice other than to seek therapy and then HRT. My mother had also died and I mourned her greatly but that obstacle was then removed.
Hugs
Pamela
Same thing here.
Work was part of my coping mechanism. It gave me something else to concentrate on and facilitated suppressing my truth.
Being forced into retirement eliminated my last coping mechanism. I had no choice but to face it, seek help, and do something about it. I'm coming up on 4 months HRT. Not looking back.
Kate
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