I feel that I am now always gendered as female (had a male fail the other day). I have not have a female fail for quite a while now. I can now use my female voice all the time, because I don't know many man, and are hardly around any of them. I believe I move like a woman, and present like a woman, because I am always around women only.
But there is that constant concern that the next person may call me a sir!
Will this feeling ever go away, or does it need time to fade away?
What are your experiences?
I used to be terrified of this but over time it went away. I still have the occasional moment of doubt at times when someone stares at me longer than usual but for the most part yes it faded.
Quote from: Dietlind on February 21, 2019, 02:54:16 PM
I feel that I am now always gendered as female (had a male fail the other day). I have not have a female fail for quite a while now. I can now use my female voice all the time, because I don't know many man, and are hardly around any of them. I believe I move like a woman, and present like a woman, because I am always around women only.
But there is that constant concern that the next person may call me a sir!
Will this feeling ever go away, or does it need time to fade away?
What are your experiences?
@Dietlind Dear Linde:My thought is that those infrequent moments that you fear of being mis-gendered will soon become distant memories as you continue on in your journey.
I did read your posting about being out and about in male-mode and you had male-fail.... that had to be very affirming for you. :) ;) ;D
A while before I came out full time, even though I passed almost all the time, I did have occasional fears of being mis-gendered, and very strangely the very few times that it did it did happen was when I was dressed en-femme.
It
never happened when I wore sloppy jeans and a loose male style t-shirt... go figure! ???
...so, what gave it away? Voice? Mannerisms? Hair? Facial features? ???
Once I became full time well over 2 years ago back in early December 2016 I have never ever been mis-gendered even when having 2 mammograms or in the gym or swimming pool locker room, etc So, by this point, I can say that I do not have any fear of being mis-gendered any longer. Time to "relax" knowing that my new body fits me.
Wishing you well with your upcoming
Orchi... I know that will be one more thing that will affirm your transition.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Early on, I did fear misgendering. But, as I learned that most people either don't notice that I am trans or are polite enough not to mention it, that fear has died away.
I do still get misgendered from time to time, typically with the wrong pronouns when two people are talking about me. Even if I hear it, I often don't catch it right away because they are not talking to me. And then, I find myself wondering, "Did he really say that? Was he referring to me or someone else?" By then, the moment is gone, and I let it slide. Perhaps I should make a bigger deal of it, but this way is pretty stress-free. It is not something I worry about.
So, yes, the fear probably will eventually go away.
Good to hear, good to hear that this concern goes away as do my guy parts!
I find myself constantly surprised after 1 year and 4 months that I always get gendered right. The one occasion that was different was when my gf was asked by a colleague who the 'man who wasn't a man' she was with was. Time and a bit of mental processing takes the fear away.
Haven't been misgendered in a LONG time. And yes, the anxiety about it has faded to insignificance. If it happened at this point, it would just be a matter of curiosity, I think.
Best of luck in your surgery tomorrow! We will all be thinking good thoughts for you!
Quote from: itsApril on February 21, 2019, 08:15:14 PM
Haven't been misgendered in a LONG time. And yes, the anxiety about it has faded to insignificance. If it happened at this point, it would just be a matter of curiosity, I think.
Best of luck in your surgery tomorrow! We will all be thinking good thoughts for you!
Thank you April!
I have this fear a lot and am working on it to just let it go. My therapist keeps giving me that message. I do love when I'm in guy mode and I have male fail. I wasn't even trying and they gendered me correctly. Makes my day.
Julie
I am slowly afraid that my days for being able to gender hop into a male are nearing their end!
Because of the very homophobic environment around here, I decided to do all my orchi stauff as a guy. My only female hint are tiny ear pins and my longer hair. Well, getting ready for surgery, the tech came in and said, ma'am, I would like to ask you; at that time he looked at my rapp sheet, and said, oh, excuse me, sir........
Later in the evening, when I was at emergency, two of the nurses came in at different time, ma'am-ing me, and corrected it, when looking at the paperwork.
I have to start to be afraid to be misgendered when I want to be a guy! I don't know if the missing of the testes would speed the feminising even more up?
I don't think that fear ever completely goes away for a transwoman. I am never misgendered and pass completely and the only times I have ever been misgendered/called out were by people I went to school with who recognized me from before. But even so at times I get very uncomfortable in crowds of people. It's not a case of feeling like people are staring at me, people most certainly DO stare at me because I'm albino. But in my mind I always think it's because they can tell I'm trans. Tristan tells me that's crazy and that no one can tell I'm trans but it's still something I think about quite often. I think the fear of being misgendered or called out is something that sticks with most transwomen forever no matter how well they pass. It's just one more way being trans screws up your life.
Quote from: Julia1996 on February 23, 2019, 12:39:41 PM
I don't think that fear ever completely goes away for a transwoman. I am never misgendered and pass completely and the only times I have ever been misgendered/called out were by people I went to school with who recognized me from before. But even so at times I get very uncomfortable in crowds of people. It's not a case of feeling like people are staring at me, people most certainly DO stare at me because I'm albino. But in my mind I always think it's because they can tell I'm trans. Tristan tells me that's crazy and that no one can tell I'm trans but it's still something I think about quite often. I think the fear of being misgendered or called out is something that sticks with most transwomen forever no matter how well they pass. It's just one more way being trans screws up your life.
Because of my age, I don't care much anymore what others feel about me, for me it is more a self confirmation to pass all the time.
I can understand that a young person like you who is still building her life is concerned that any "discovery" of being Trans might be scary.
But I wonder if you just grew up with the fear of being different, not because of being trans, but because of the negative experiences you made with being an albino person?
I also was different being intersex and having the girlish type of body, but as soon as I covered it with clothing, nobody would now, while you still could be seen as being different.
I am pretty sure that both of us have a certain amount of trauma in us looking different than the rest of the people! because you are still so young, it will influence you way more than it will do me, because in reality, I have nothing to loose anymore, while you have most of your life in front of you!
I hope that you will be able to overcome this deep sitting fear and listen to Tristan, because he sees you the way you are in reality, and not through the distorted mirror we seem to look at ourselves!
My girl friend, anyone who meets me now, and those who are supportive (a few really aren't) see me as female. I see a reflection that screams anything but male. Still, sometimes that silly doubting voice creeps in and tries to undermine my confidence. I ignore it. Its getting weaker every day and one day it will disappear! Just have to have faith that the path is the right one and all those silly little social conditioning voices are powerless.
This is a selfie I shot while in the ER for my unexpected orchi bleeding. As I stated before, I tried to be as male as i could because of the homophobia here.
Why would three different persons have come into the room saying good evening ma'am, and corrected themselves after they looked at my paperwork.
I think I look pretty much like a guy in this picture, or?
(https://i.imgur.com/VwUaB7N.jpg)
Now I am really confused, the Microsoft "HowOldRobot" classifies me as a 55 year old female.
What is your opinion, do I look like a male, or do I look like a female?
I'm ftm and pre everything so I do feel rather uncomfortable when going out due to the worry I'll be called "Ma'am...." That happened the other day when i was with my husband and it ruined my day. I'm shy, so when someone does call me that I don't talk back at them (wish i could though..) Having long hair probably doesn't help, because one time i had my hair up in a low ponytail and a guy called me sir. I guess i need to either cut it short or put it back. It does really hurt when that happens.
Quote from: OliverR. on February 25, 2019, 01:08:44 PM
I'm ftm and pre everything so I do feel rather uncomfortable when going out due to the worry I'll be called "Ma'am...." That happened the other day when i was with my husband and it ruined my day. I'm shy, so when someone does call me that I don't talk back at them (wish i could though..) Having long hair probably doesn't help, because one time i had my hair up in a low ponytail and a guy called me sir. I guess i need to either cut it short or put it back. It does really hurt when that happens.
I feel that the length of the hair, and the way it is done, make a big difference with gendering. Since the time my hair is longer I get ma'amed more even when I try to present in the male mode. I think it is the hair and the way one acts, more than the clothing that gives the strongest impression on one's gender.
It does not hurt me if I get ma'amed in male mode, it just seems to indicate that my male days are really coming to an end, gender fluid or not, once I don't look like a guy anymore, it does no good to try to act like one!
I think if you start to do your hair a little more "manly", you will get misgendered less. It might also help, if you learn from your husband the way how a guy moves, it is quite different from the way females move.
I definitely thinks that guys walk different than females (I had to learn it the other way around), look at them an start to copy their kind of walking!
Good luck for you!
Linde
Thanks, I will try that:) I tend to act a little on the feminine side too and I think I should maybe be more conscious of how I act.
Quote from: OliverR. on February 25, 2019, 04:07:09 PM
Thanks, I will try that:) I tend to act a little on the feminine side too and I think I should maybe be more conscious of how I act.
You can do it! People said I was a real manly man, and I managed to become a woman, because I wanted to become a woman!
You can become a manly guy as long as you set your mind to it, and you want to be such a guy! However, just remember, not every guy is a macho Rambo type, there are enough out there who are a little more on the feminine side. Do only this kind of transition that makes you feel comfortable, and that is good for the relation between you and your husband. Nothing else is of any importance! You have to feel good in your roll as a guy! And your husband has to like the guy he sees next to themselves!
My marriage collapsed, because my wife did not want to have a lesbian relation. Are you guys OK with your future relation?
Good luck for you, and I hope everything goes well!
Quote from: OliverR. on February 25, 2019, 01:08:44 PM
I'm ftm and pre everything so I do feel rather uncomfortable when going out due to the worry I'll be called "Ma'am...." That happened the other day when i was with my husband and it ruined my day. I'm shy, so when someone does call me that I don't talk back at them (wish i could though..) Having long hair probably doesn't help, because one time i had my hair up in a low ponytail and a guy called me sir. I guess i need to either cut it short or put it back. It does really hurt when that happens.
Hi, Oliver!
Welcome to Susan's Place.
I see that we missed welcoming you properly yesterday. Sorry about that! We do try to welcome every new member when they arrive.
Being misgendered certainly hurts, even when it is understandable. I was talking to some power company workers who were fixing our power line yesterday. All was fine until they left and said, "Have a nice day, sir!" Aargh! I didn't say anything because I was bundled up against the cold with a shapeless parka and a tuque with earflaps. They didn't have much to go on except my face and my voice, and my voice doesn't pass. C'est la vie! But it still stung.
Assuming you start HRT at some point, you can expect your voice to drop and you will probably start growing facial hair. You will seldom get misgendered at that point.
Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) to tell the members about yourself. Here is some information that we like to share with new members:
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It's funny because after I came out I seem to notice it way more than I used to (I think I am more aware of it) Little kids have always kind of confused about my gender though.
Quote from: OliverR. on February 26, 2019, 09:23:15 AM
It's funny because after I came out I seem to notice it way more than I used to (I think I am more aware of it) Little kids have always kind of confused about my gender though.
Just watch how the other guys around you behave, and do the same. That's how I learned to be a woman among women, just hangin out with them.
I think it is way easier to act like a guy than acting like a girl. Guys are way less complex than females! if you could ever act like a female, acting like a guy will be a piece of cake for you. You just have to learn to brag how good you are, etc. Being a guy means to be in constant competition (hidden and unwritten rules), and a fight for the position of the king of the hill!
Good luck, you can do it!
Haha, hopefully I can pull it off. I'm kind of a shy person, which makes that hard for me.
Quote from: OliverR. on February 26, 2019, 11:24:45 AM
Haha, hopefully I can pull it off. I'm kind of a shy person, which makes that hard for me.
I started out to be shy (I don't know if you read about my background, but I was supposed to be a guy who had a mostly female looking body), but testosterone will help you to overcome this. I succeeded, so can you. I was not the strongest guy around, but I always had a quick mind and learned to use my mouth!
You can do it, specifically with having your husband covering your back! Just get going!
Thanks! Yeah, it does make it a little easier since he's very supportive ofthis:)
Honestly the longer I am on HRT the less I seem to care about it. I wouldn't say I cared a great deal beforehand either; what people I am probably never going to see again think or say doesn't much matter. It doesn't happen often any more.
I get tired of thinking about the whole thing. I never wanted to think about it this much and transition forced me to think and talk about it way more than my natural inclination is. I feel like I should just continue behaving as I've always done with the topic - mostly indifferent.
I suppose the reason behind fear of misgendering is fear of repercussions? I've spent my whole life being the outsider and being thought "weird" etc. so I'm not afraid of it. If anything, it makes other people more uncomfortable when they are trying to figure out gender than I will ever feel about it. Now they are the ones squirming, not me.
Yeah I don't care as much unless it's someone I know and care about. My brother and sister, well my family, still do misgender me...
Daily interactions are confusing to me because I just never know where people are coming from and their intentions...
Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Why does our culture put us in a position, where we let people know who we think we're talking to, to begin with? I went to go buy a sandwich the other day. At subway (because they still have those here), and the person behind the counter wouldn't let up on the, "you seem like a good guy," and "yes sir," it was ruthless. I swear she called me sir 25 times in the space of ten minutes. I wanted to say something about it, but she had her hands on my food, and I was hungry.