Well, he didn't say yes but he didn't say you lied to me, this is sick, you can't be trusted, I want a divorce. Now what do I do?! Lay it on me ladyz.
So in spite of all the good advice that i received from friends, my counselor, and experience voices here at Susan's my inner female psychological sex poured out of me to my husband in drunken sup supping sobs in the middle of a fight in the rain on a crowded sidewalk during a music festival at 2 in the morning. Flat hair full of rain, runny mascara, smeared lipstick and all the accouterments of a caricature of wretched unhappiness. But to the astonishment of my fears he hugged me deeply and told me he loves me and adores me and that we'll 'figure it out' (whatever that really means) when we're sober. Then he took me home and tucked my into bed while I filled tissue after tissue and told me to stop holding things in because we're a team and we don't carry things alone and we went to sleep. Then we didn't talk about it again for the rest of the weekend.
Now I feel a tremendous sense of relief having the first step off my chest but I'm not sure how to proceed. Any married gurls on here who have managed to keep it together through this change and would have some advice to share? What worked well? What failed miserably? What worked out but you wish you'd done differently? I want to avoid any unnecessary suffering on his part and i want to be respectful of his needs and feelings without simply allowing them to dictate whether I give myself what i need to stop being miserable. I want to start the process of getting hormones right away and start putting away money for FFS (the two things I think would help my dysphoria the most) but I'm not sure if it's prudent to have him be a part of every step or if the actual smaller steps should be insulated from him so he's not feeling like his life is revolving around my change.
So gurls, whatever you got; lay it on me. I'm waited 40 years, i'm tired of waiting, i have a minefield to race into and could use tips about where you found mines. And thank you so much in advance. The kind, and understanding, voices here have already been a huge help in the short time I've been on here.
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I didn't respond elsewhere since your situation differed so much. Now that it's been unloaded (not in a fashion anyone would have recommended) it's time to stay open and as honest as possible. Things do not progress by holding back 'to spare feelings'. That doesn't mean be harsh in opening up more (not saying you would). I mean don't hold it in for fear of hurting feelings.
My wife an I are still together, still strongly in love, and we've hurt feelings plenty of times to clear the air so that things could be worked out. The key is realizing that it's not being said to hurt or be disrespectful and .. never in anger!
Don't expect immediate reconciliation to an issue that's been brought up. Sometimes things need mulled over.
Communication, in any relationship, is the key to couples survival. Without it, you can't.
Thank you Faith. Women seem to be easier to get through this with but hearing from people like you who are making it work helps. I think I'm going to corner him this weekend into a quiet 'date at home' night and talk about a lot of stuff like what attracts us to each other in the first place, why we got married, and where we see our future. I'm hoping that just talking about us and our future plans together will give me some insight into how I can stay on top of his needs and create a vision of our future that he can see himself in where I'm his wife and he isn't left behind or neglected. We didn't get married because we're pretty or perfect and I hope that what's underneath can pin this together better. I'll be sure to watch out for my emotions if he says something hurtful, that sounds like really good advice. I can see how I could stifle the sharing if I take offense or get hurt too easily and that seems to be the common theme I see all of the ladies who have clung together on here repeating. Sharing and openness. And I suppose he really needs to know how deeply this hurts, how disturbed I am by it, and how much being a part of him is just as important as being more me.
I'm going to take your advice to heart.
I realize I'm a bit late to respond to this post, and I don't really have any good advice to give other than what others have suggested: Communication.
I have come out to my husband and we've talked a lot about this together. I'm ftm and currently dressing as a man, but that's basically the only change I have made (aside from changing hairstyle and letting body hair grow). My husband seems ok with this, but he is very reluctant to me starting hrt, saying that he's not gay and that he likes me as I am. I have told him that I will not start hrt without talking to him about it first.
It's now been a couple of years since I've come out to him, and I've started thinking more and more that I I'd like to start hrt, but I'm scared that I will lose my husband, family, and friends over this. If I can have my husband on my side, supporting me, I think I would do it. If not, I don't think I dare to. This makes me feel really sad, since I feel like I might be denying myself a happier, more content life, without tons of therapy and maladaptive behavior... I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.
Rae321, if you're comfortable with it, please feel free to share your own experiences with this. I'm very curious how others deal with this sort of conundrum.
Thanks, and take care!
Viktor- It is a rock and a hard place isn't it? Especially with men. Women seem far more open to dealing with a fundamental shift in how they relate to the world. They seem more able to say 'my husband became a woman, I'm still me and I'm not a lesbian or anything else I don't choose to identify with' whereas men seem much more influenced by outside pressures. Ive talked to quite a few mtf spectrum people who were living in gay Male relationships and they were not encouraging. They all seemed to fail because their spouse didn't want to be seen as losing their gay identity. I imagine it's even harder in a heterosexually defined relationship because of the greater stigma attached to being seen as gay.
So far things have worked out well in my case and i feel incredibly lucky. On the one hand this is something that i had talked about with my husband before and it was not a complete blind side but on the other he thinks girls are gross. Ive been trying to 'check in' with him from time to time but it's hard to get him to talk about all of this and how it makes him feel. Im operating in a void in a lot of ways. He's a counselor and works with trans kids sometimes so im not sure if he sees this se an inevitable thing that he cannot control and just doesn't want to admit that he doesn't like it because he loves me and doesn't want me bottled up but that is my fear. I fear he will love me and support me and ultimately leave me anyway. The fear of losing my marriage is in many ways as great of a drive as the need i feel to keep walking down this path. So far im just taking it one day at a time and trying to be grateful for each day i have him. There's no easy answers it seems, and the risk of losing it all is the price we pay both for facing these questions or from hiding from them. I wish i could say something more reassuring than 'welcome to limbo' but it is where we live. If you're going to walk this road littered with the bodies of relationships before us then walk it with me because im understanding rapidly how much stronger and wiser we are together. Just remember that you have to live in your skin and your life, no one else. So no matter what you choose to do it is a valid choice and only you can make it. Its dangerous out there, take a kitten with you.