I have been thinking about the different situations in my life. Some people know my before self and know I'm trans. People in public generally see me as female. The new people in my life are a big question. No one ever says, "Are you trans?" I don't tell them either because I don't like to have to explain myself for one thing. Also, if they once know I am trans, I think it more likely for misgendering which I hate. I am proud to be trans sometimes and other times like to be assumed to be cis. I was thinking about someone who I work with who most likely knows my situation, but it doesn't ever come up. She is fine with me and I will probably leave it there. When I spoke of going to the trans conference, I left out what type of conference it was with her. It was awkward somewhat, but it kept the status quo. I then started thinking about a different explanation of my situation. I thought, what if I said that I have always had a genetic hormonal problem that has had the effect of masculinizing my body in certain ways. I thought about it. I think it is a different way to say what my situation is that is truthful, even if it isn't the explanation commonly given, loaded down with the scientific facts and labeling. If pressed I wouldn't hide being trans, but to me this describes my situation from the stand point of my brain. My brain has always fought to be female despite me running from that fact for so long. Essentially, yeah, my genetics caused my hormones to change my body in ways I never wanted. I wanted none of its masculinizing effects. This is really an explanation that a female brained person would give. Society says I'm this thing called trans (and that's okay) but from my perspective the genetics (and resulting hormones) took things to a whole other place, one not matching my brain. Since my brain is the essence of who I am, the genetics to me are way secondary.
I'm not looking for approval or condemnation of my perspective on this. You handle things the way it is right for you. I think, in some situations, l like this explanation. Thought I would throw it out there. Tune in next week for my discussion on, "Why is there air?"
Moni
Hi Moni, being trans is not exactly the "water cooler topic" :) At our work they actually discourage people from talking about their medical situations. As far as hormones, you and I are survivors of "T poisoning". I recall there was a Tee Shirt printed up I saw somewhere that said "survivor of T poisoning", it was so factual. I felt like I was poisoned by T, but that's another story....
Yeah, I don't offer information to others, no real need to explain, and they don't ask, so I don't have to tell. Most of these discussions are with my Dr and others here on this board :)
Hugs
Cynthia -
Hi Moni, I like this explanation. As you said, it's they way a female-brained person would say it. I think it is also scientifically pretty accurate, from my understanding.
After air, are you going to do fire or earth next?
Randy
Moni... I love you the way you are. You have always given me great advice with a sense humor. Your answers and our conversations are a highlight for me. I didn't have to deal with being transgender because they didn't exist until the late 80's. But even then I felt I had secrets that were not acknowledged Everyone I've told has accepted me. But you know I don't present full time. Depending on my success this week in Vegas it may become more permanent. I really admire your courage and fortitude. When my boss would complain I told him. "It's not easy being me" If he only knew.
Quote from: HappyMoni on March 31, 2019, 09:29:26 PM
Tune in next week for my discussion on, "Why is there air?"
Moni
Well its obvious - the air is 'there' so our vocal cords can vibrate the air molecules into other peoples ears as we explain the horrific and toxic affects of T....
Sonja.
Hello again Moni
I consider your explanation to be truthful accurate and scientifically based and I thank you for sharing.
Of course as you say, the brain overrides all - the essence of who we are. A female would quite obviously not desire any masculinizing effects either before or at or after their most unwelcome arrival!
Hugs
Pamela
Hi Moni,
I do like your explanation of a hormonal problem, because it reverses the notion of what is to be considered 'normal', i.e. mind versus body. Just because we understand the development of the body from our genes better than the development of our mind and people therefore assume the genetic development is 'right' and therefore to be considered 'normal', that doesn't mean it is correct.
However, I'd like to ask you why do you think you need to self-explain like in the situation you mentioned with your coworker? I mean, there are tons of conferences out there that people do attend but don't want to talk about it in the office just because it doesn't fit their professional image.
Also, from looking at your profile picture and from what you stated yourself you are passing as a cis-woman nearly all of the time. If someone nevertheless comes and asks if you were trans, why not react like a cis-woman would, like with a slightly annoyed "Huh, what makes you think that?", kind of turning the question back to them in a way they assume you are cis and then leave it at that?
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Quote from: Iztaccihuatl on April 01, 2019, 02:22:39 PM
Hi Moni,
I do like your explanation of a hormonal problem, because it reverses the notion of what is to be considered 'normal', i.e. mind versus body. Just because we understand the development of the body from our genes better than the development of our mind and people therefore assume the genetic development is 'right' and therefore to be considered 'normal', that doesn't mean it is correct.
However, I'd like to ask you why do you think you need to self-explain like in the situation you mentioned with your coworker? I mean, there are tons of conferences out there that people do attend but don't want to talk about it in the office just because it doesn't fit their professional image.
Also, from looking at your profile picture and from what you stated yourself you are passing as a cis-woman nearly all of the time. If someone nevertheless comes and asks if you were trans, why not react like a cis-woman would, like with a slightly annoyed "Huh, what makes you think that?", kind of turning the question back to them in a way they assume you are cis and then leave it at that?
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
I love your answers ladies, thank you!
HM, I think I pass on a limited exposure basis, I might say. The person I'm referring to is in the room with me much of the day. I would imagine there are plenty of clues to tell that there is something different about me, my voice, my physical strength, and others who slip up and misgender me. I really love the kind heart of this woman. She accepts me as she see me. I doubt that she would be weird if I told her I was 'trans.' Part of me is fine with keeping this thing unspoken. The thing is, by doing that, I limit what I can share about my life with her. The third member of our group, knew the old me. I sometimes like to talk about things trans. So, the subject of the conference was not a big thing. I later went to her and told her that I felt bad excluding her from the mention of what type of conference it was. She was okay with that. It just started me to thinking about how I might tell my story on my terms, without the label. Heck I'm just a person when it comes down to it. My circumstances, my obstacles are a little unusual, but they are as legitimate as any other person. I would like to speak of them on my terms.
I did wonder if someone who is intersex might feel that my description of my situation infringes on their territory. Loosely interpreted, a person with a female brain and a male anatomy might be considered in a sense, intersex. It isn't my intention to try to make that assertion. Jeepers, I am still trying to figure out the whole air thing. And Randy has to go and bring up 'fire' and 'earth.' God, the pressure!
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 01, 2019, 09:42:25 PM
I did wonder if someone who is intersex might feel that my description of my situation infringes on their territory. Loosely interpreted, a person with a female brain and a male anatomy might be considered in a sense, intersex. It isn't my intention to try to make that assertion.
Again I can see what you mean and I agree with you that we are in a sense intersex or shall I say intergender as the brain which we agree is the essence of who we are, is a part indeed the most important part of our body. The brain is present and correct and the masculine parts of the body (either received at birth or at puberty) are present and incorrect until amended by HRT and/or surgery.
Hugs
Pamela
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 01, 2019, 09:42:25 PM
I did wonder if someone who is intersex might feel that my description of my situation infringes on their territory. Loosely interpreted, a person with a female brain and a male anatomy might be considered in a sense, intersex.
Some people in the medical professions are starting to consider that transgender is a form of intersex condition.
Hey Moni:
I know I am junior on this thread but I explained my situation to my wife last year this way (some thoughts I stole from others):
"I was hardwired female before birth and then had that reality buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial.
I am not becoming a woman, I've always been one, I just want to stop pretending to be a man."
It just feels right to me.
Emma
Thank you Pamela, Kathy and Emma!
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 02, 2019, 11:34:55 AM
Hey Moni:
I know I am junior on this thread but I explained my situation to my wife last year this way (some thoughts I stole from others):
"I was hardwired female before birth and then had that reality buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial.
I am not becoming a woman, I've always been one, I just want to stop pretending to be a man."
It just feels right to me.
Emma
Emma what you describe here certainly sounds like a tremendous challenge to be faced by trans people. To comment a little about the society's poor attitude toward us, if we were born with Cerebral Palsey and learned to overcome its affects to walk or talk, we would be cheered. If we were born deaf and learned to communicate and be productive using sign, we would be looked upon favorably. You name it, people who overcome things are praised, people who struggle with things most times get empathy. Trans people, we have something big to overcome. It ain't easy under the best of circumstances. These societal attitudes that we are either mentally ill or sinful, I'm sorry, these are the sick attitudes. The ignorance makes me angry. I have to fight not to blanket hate religions because of the harms it has caused us. (It has done a great deal of good in many cases as well. I try to be fair.) Just to see the fear in people such as yourself. When you look up the mountain of a possible transition, the fear created by these attitudes is so oppressive. It does a number on our ability to self accept, doesn't it. (Okay Moni, bring it back to the topic, you crazy!) So, society imposes all this baggage on us. I think, we all are the experts on 'trans.' We are the experts on ourselves. (At least more than the ignorant.) I say, take possession of your narrative. My statement of "I have a genetic condition that has caused my body to become masculinized." is me taking possession of my narrative. If your narrative is, "I'm proudly trans!" or "I'm bigender!" or "I'm a cross dresser!" take possession of it, embrace it. Each of us has to work on our own ability to take pride in who we are.
Sorry, now falling off soap box. Ouch, that hurt.
Moni
Monica,
I think that you are either better with words than me, are more imaginative/creative than me or more than likely both! :) I never came up with anything that good. I won't lie but there was a time when I spent a bunch of time looking for non-lie responses. I have not had anyone confront me in a very long time so I haven't had to worry about it. I still have must haves that require disclosure though, like when I got my mammogram last week and had to go through the Q&A. Have you had children? When did you first get your period? Yeah, no I am transsexual, no period.
After I always wonder if there was an answer that would not divulge everything. I think medically it is best that they know everything, but it still feels weird. With everyone else after I get to know them enough, I don't want to mislead them and it stresses and worries me until I tell them the truth. I tell them that I prefer that it not be common knowledge and ask if they could keep it just between us. I know that they can react badly, struggle with it or tell everyone. I don't want everyone to know and I don't want to be treated differently, but I have to tell them. I don't think that everyone should be completely open if they don't have to. It's too much to ask of anyone to allow themselves to become so vulnerable. For me it is worse not to, I can't live like that anymore, living any lie. Far more terrifying to live behind that wall again. I tell myself all kinds of things to make it easier for me to do. You know stuff like, if I mislead everyone no one gets a chance to grow, not me and not them. In my bed at night, alone with my thoughts I know the unflattering truth, I am coward. It is tied in with why when someone compliments me it makes me feel so terrible inside. I feel like I have somehow misled them and it makes me feel physically ill. Not only to do with being trans, my whole life I hated myself, I was so ashamed of who I am. So I had thousands of tiny little lies that made up a life that I wasn't ashamed of, but that life wasn't real so I knew that no one liked me, they liked the lie. Then I stopped lying and came out shortly after, and found out I was right. No need to get into everything that happened, but I was almost completely alone and shut out. I would rather know that everyone knew the unspectacular real me and hate me than let one person believe the lie and love me. There is nothing special about me and I am a bit broken, I work at loving myself not yet quite there, but I will no longer be ashamed of who I am. It's okay if I am less than everyone else, I will die before I let myself believe that the real me, whatever that may be, has no worth, that somehow it is wrong to be me. I have lived that long enough and I will not go back, I won't be less than human anymore.
Anyway, that is why I can't. I am not a role model and I don't think anyone should follow my example. I do pass and could probably be completely stealth, but I can't live like that. I wish that I could, it would make my life so much easier. If someone can and it's not hurting anyone, I say go for it. Maybe make a thread like this where you can go over different responses and tweak them.
Quote from: Emma1017 on April 02, 2019, 11:34:55 AM
I explained my situation to my wife last year this way (some thoughts I stole from others):
"I was hardwired female before birth and then had that reality buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial.
I am not becoming a woman, I've always been one, I just want to stop pretending to be a man."
It just feels right to me.
Emma
Hello Emma
I consider your explanation also to be truthful accurate and scientifically based and thank you also for sharing.
Hugs
Pamela
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 01, 2019, 09:42:25 PM
I did wonder if someone who is intersex might feel that my description of my situation infringes on their territory. Loosely interpreted, a person with a female brain and a male anatomy might be considered in a sense, intersex. It isn't my intention to try to make that assertion.
Yes ma'am, you called me? I do not have any territory, I am a just screwed up bunch of chromosomes! I was not born in the wrong body like you "standard" trans people, but somebody decided to re-purpose my pretty OK body, by making it into a semi male one! But than again, intersex come in so many different varieties, why not adding the mismatch of brain and body to it? I don't really care, and don't feel offended, because I did not lease the rights for the term intersex!
I think, my life might have been a little easier if I would have been transgender the way you people are, at least I would have know who I am was, and wanted to be (not to say that your life was easy, but it sucks having not any gender identity like it was the case for me, I just was an It in regards to feel belonging to a group of people).
I tried to b a guy, and did not even think I was a female, I just knew that i was running through the world with a, for a guy, unusual looking body. For a long time, I did not associate this body of mine to be mostly female, I just thought I was a weirdo, and put into the world so others could make fun of me (freak show, here I come).
Once I figured out much later that this body was very female,and that I wanted to be a female again, it was, of course to my transitional benefit to have this body, and just simply switch genders. I did not have to mess around with most of the stuff you "standard" transgender people have to (all that icky body hair, and Adams Apples, and hair loss on your heads, and heavy facial hair, etc.
In fact, I am still not really sure if I am transgender or not, or if I should call it reversal of an undesired surgery and it's effects?
But anyway, back to your question, no you do not offend me with calling yourself intersex, it is just a novel way to look at the terms transgender and intersex, and in reality, calling it intersex is not even that wrong, because it is some condition that was created prior to being born, and chromosomes were shuffled around in some unusual way!
Quote from: Nightfall on April 02, 2019, 06:37:36 PM
Monica,
I think that you are either better with words than me, are more imaginative/creative than me or more than likely both! :) I never came up with anything that good. I won't lie but there was a time when I spent a bunch of time looking for non-lie responses. I have not had anyone confront me in a very long time so I haven't had to worry about it. I still have must haves that require disclosure though, like when I got my mammogram last week and had to go through the Q&A. Have you had children? When did you first get your period? Yeah, no I am transsexual, no period.
After I always wonder if there was an answer that would not divulge everything. I think medically it is best that they know everything, but it still feels weird. With everyone else after I get to know them enough, I don't want to mislead them and it stresses and worries me until I tell them the truth. I tell them that I prefer that it not be common knowledge and ask if they could keep it just between us. I know that they can react badly, struggle with it or tell everyone. I don't want everyone to know and I don't want to be treated differently, but I have to tell them. I don't think that everyone should be completely open if they don't have to. It's too much to ask of anyone to allow themselves to become so vulnerable. For me it is worse not to, I can't live like that anymore, living any lie. Far more terrifying to live behind that wall again. I tell myself all kinds of things to make it easier for me to do. You know stuff like, if I mislead everyone no one gets a chance to grow, not me and not them. In my bed at night, alone with my thoughts I know the unflattering truth, I am coward. It is tied in with why when someone compliments me it makes me feel so terrible inside. I feel like I have somehow misled them and it makes me feel physically ill. Not only to do with being trans, my whole life I hated myself, I was so ashamed of who I am. So I had thousands of tiny little lies that made up a life that I wasn't ashamed of, but that life wasn't real so I knew that no one liked me, they liked the lie. Then I stopped lying and came out shortly after, and found out I was right. No need to get into everything that happened, but I was almost completely alone and shut out. I would rather know that everyone knew the unspectacular real me and hate me than let one person believe the lie and love me. There is nothing special about me and I am a bit broken, I work at loving myself not yet quite there, but I will no longer be ashamed of who I am. It's okay if I am less than everyone else, I will die before I let myself believe that the real me, whatever that may be, has no worth, that somehow it is wrong to be me. I have lived that long enough and I will not go back, I won't be less than human anymore.
Anyway, that is why I can't. I am not a role model and I don't think anyone should follow my example. I do pass and could probably be completely stealth, but I can't live like that. I wish that I could, it would make my life so much easier. If someone can and it's not hurting anyone, I say go for it. Maybe make a thread like this where you can go over different responses and tweak them.
OMG, I so wish I could give you a hug. I see an incredibly sensitive, insightful person in you. That right there is something special about you. I love that you are fighting, standing up for yourself. I hate that the outside world has treated you this way. In my experience some of the most wonderful people on the planet have been kicked around a bit and don't realize how amazing they are. I hope you will keep exploring your feelings until you find that self love. It astounding how many "normal" people who seem to have it all together, don't have self love. I too work on it. (Of course I am pretty far from the 'normies') Please stick around and talk if you feel you would like to.
Moni
Quote from: Dietlind on April 03, 2019, 10:23:13 AM
Yes ma'am, you called me? I do not have any territory, I am a just screwed up bunch of chromosomes! I was not born in the wrong body like you "standard" trans people, but somebody decided to re-purpose my pretty OK body, by making it into a semi male one! But than again, intersex come in so many different varieties, why not adding the mismatch of brain and body to it? I don't really care, and don't feel offended, because I did not lease the rights for the term intersex!
I think, my life might have been a little easier if I would have been transgender the way you people are, at least I would have know who I am was, and wanted to be (not to say that your life was easy, but it sucks having not any gender identity like it was the case for me, I just was an It in regards to feel belonging to a group of people).
I tried to b a guy, and did not even think I was a female, I just knew that i was running through the world with a, for a guy, unusual looking body. For a long time, I did not associate this body of mine to be mostly female, I just thought I was a weirdo, and put into the world so others could make fun of me (freak show, here I come).
Once I figured out much later that this body was very female,and that I wanted to be a female again, it was, of course to my transitional benefit to have this body, and just simply switch genders. I did not have to mess around with most of the stuff you "standard" transgender people have to (all that icky body hair, and Adams Apples, and hair loss on your heads, and heavy facial hair, etc.
In fact, I am still not really sure if I am transgender or not, or if I should call it reversal of an undesired surgery and it's effects?
But anyway, back to your question, no you do not offend me with calling yourself intersex, it is just a novel way to look at the terms transgender and intersex, and in reality, calling it intersex is not even that wrong, because it is some condition that was created prior to being born, and chromosomes were shuffled around in some unusual way!
I guess I did Linde. lol Thanks for that response. Some folks get territorial with their labels. I appreciate that you are not. I have more to say (big surprise) but I am running out of time tonight. I was thinking today about many in the LGB general community hearing someone say I'm gay or I'm a lesbian and it's kind of easy to say, "Ah...yup, okay!" If I say I'm a woman, I feel like there is generally a bit more skepticism. I guess that's due to the chromosomal thing. There is more of a battle in many minds that is probably self conscious. You just have to look no further that even the best intentioned folks misgendering us in little slips. I have to work on getting past this myself at times. So, Moni, mind equals gender equals more important than dumb wrong hormones caused by dumb chromostones (as Archie Bunker used to call them. ;D) For me this is the essence of a barely tapped pride that is there for the taking.
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 03, 2019, 08:39:44 PM
OMG, I so wish I could give you a hug. I see an incredibly sensitive, insightful person in you. That right there is something special about you. I love that you are fighting, standing up for yourself. I hate that the outside world has treated you this way. In my experience some of the most wonderful people on the planet have been kicked around a bit and don't realize how amazing they are. I hope you will keep exploring your feelings until you find that self love. It astounding how many "normal" people who seem to have it all together, don't have self love. I too work on it. (Of course I am pretty far from the 'normies') Please stick around and talk if you feel you would like to.
Moni
Made me cry. Is totally okay! All crying isn't bad. :)
Thank you for being so sweet.
Big, big, hug!
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 03, 2019, 09:01:27 PM
So, Moni, mind equals gender equals more important than dumb wrong hormones caused by dumb chromostones (as Archie Bunker used to call them. ;D) For me this is the essence of a barely tapped pride that is there for the taking.
I think we can safely assume that Kathy, Emma, Linde and I agree with your thinking, Moni.
Hugs
Pamela
I honestly love the idea of it being a "hormonal disorder"
I'm not in the "wrong body" so much, but my mind is at odds with what my hormones are doing (some of the time, because in my case I ALSO have another hormonal disorder that causes masculising effects. In my case though, that's not the problem. The problem is the failing and pretty useless broken female hormones coursing through my veins and running havoc with a body that really isn't physically very happy about it or psychologically happy about it)
I thought of it like putting diesel into a petrol car. You're running on the wrong "fuel" and we all know that's not gonna make for a very happy or functional engine.
Quote from Nightfall-
I still have must haves that require disclosure though, like when I got my mammogram last week and had to go through the Q&A. Have you had children? When did you first get your period? Yeah, no I am transsexual, no period.
After I always wonder if there was an answer that would not divulge everything. I think medically it is best that they know everything, but it still feels weird. With everyone else after I get to know them enough, I don't want to mislead them and it stresses and worries me until I tell them the truth. I tell them that I prefer that it not be common knowledge and ask if they could keep it just between us. I know that they can react badly, struggle with it or tell everyone. I don't want everyone to know and I don't want to be treated differently, but I have to tell them.
I went to urgent care two days ago for a toe infection. I am by nature a rule follower. They asked if I had had any surgeries. I listed my hernia from way back, mentioned my facial surgeries, even told of my breast augmentation. In past occasions I felt obligated to include all my information and would include my GCS surgery. This time, I said nothing about it. What does a toe infection have to do with the disclosure of having had vaginoplasty? It is unrelated. The breast surgery, yes, because of the risk of capsular contracture, but I don't need to out myself to this tech for no good reason. You mentioned mammograms, Nightfall. I go next week. I will probably not mention being trans unless asked specifically. If they ask of periods, I will just write N/A. I don't argue you telling them if you are more comfortable that way. I used to tell and to some extent it made me relax because I ...I guess I didn't want to feel like I was lying to them. I did have a colonoscopy this summer and the experience modified how I viewed things. I tried to get them to change my legally changed gender to female on my paperwork. First visit, they said they would work on it. The next visit the day of the procedure, they said they couldn't. Arrrrrr! Okay, so I go in, get on the table, and there is a monitor for all to see. People traipsing through, all saw my name and underneath, 'male.' I was highly embarrassed and humiliated. I get done with the procedure, days later, I talk to my GP. I tell him about it. He was so apologetic. He said he would fix it so that would not happen to anyone else. One day later the doctor who did the colonoscopy called and profusely apologized. He said his staff would be retrained. It started to dawn on me that WE DESERVE RESPECT. We do have to stand up for ourselves and for those who follow. We just have to get it through our heads that we don't owe any stranger any explanation of our story if we don't want to. We are not lying if we don't enter the building with an 'I am trans' sticker on our forehead. Please, Nightfall, I am not saying your way is wrong. Your story was my jumping off point for my story where I get something up my butt and start yelling about our rights. (Ah, the rare literal and figurative comment combined. lol) ::) Ya know something? It felt kind of good to have stood up for myself.
Thanks to F-P-M, Pamela and Nightfall! F_P_M, sorry for that trouble you are describing. I am curious. Nightfall, sorry I made you cry, but I am so happy that you are sharing. We all are working on ourselves I think. Sometimes we have to realize, "Hey I AM a good person and I DO deserve love and respect. Your post touched me and I hope you continue to seek and find peace within yourself.
Love to all,
Moni
Wow, my best colonoscopy story ever! Whoop whoop! :o
Moni,
Hahaha! Well to take anything positive out of a colonoscopy is an achievement in itself.
Sometimes I feel like I am the the most adamant rule follower ever. I don't think it is all about the rules but doing what I believe is right. I don't mind bucking the system if I think they are wrong, I still owe a cell phone service because they wanted to charge me a whole month of service when I left. My friend who was on my plan got an IPhone on our new plan and Apple had an additional contract that she had to sign, I was on their plan for 8 hours past the billing month. 8 hours! I was willing to pay any sum below the full amount but they would not accept anything less than the full amount. I can pay the stupid thing no problem, but I won't. I am pretty bad for anything else. I broke a window when I was little, my brother and his friends were throwing rocks at a house and they had let me tag along that day but I wanted them to stop so bad that I threw a rock and broke the window they were trying to hit so they would stop. They were not sports people but I was forced into Little League very young. As soon as I got home I told on myself and spent the summer working for the people who's window I broke. I have never gotten better about it either.
It was a verbal Q&A, I have never been able to stand up for myself that way. No problem with a direct attack but other than that, not as much. I have fought the VA about my male status, I did win but now I have to hear my primary care physician reminding me that I should use birth control. Fair trade I think.
I am working at loving myself. It sounds so easy but...
Thanks for thinking of me. :)
What is this hormonal balance of which you speak :)
When I was a youngster (back in the early 70's, I was cloistered, abused and extremely naive. By the time I left home for the Navy, I just thought there were two sexes and that gender was a word interchangeable with sex. By the time I was 17 i'd definitely heard of 'homos' ... the ones that were outside the norms of society. Sound familiar to any of you? I hid and I conformed. Hormones weren't even a word in my vocabulary. I agree with he thrust of this conversation.. we suffer from a hormone imbalance, surely!
I am occasionally just furious with the world for what I am now. There is a raft of individual people that I've not forgiven. I really don't want to be bitter. Yet in spite of all, i am grateful for my blessings.
Truly I'm sorry for maybe hijacking a wee bit... but your theory is sound.
I had lunch with two good friends today. We all happen to be M to F trans people. If one were to take a totally clinical view of who was in that booth, it could be said that there were three genetic males present. It occurred to me as I sat watching my friends and feeling what was going on in my head that that description was so totally wrong for who was actually there. I could say there were three trans women there. That would be accurate, I guess. I could also describe the spirit of who was there as well. Result? There were three women there.
Please allow for a bit of a tangent for a second. When I was in college years ago I had an English class. Now, I was interested in math and science and psychology and sociology and who know what other fact based types of subjects. English, more specifically, literature had so little meaning to me. Yuk, I thought. Well, this professor was a little gifted I guess. He had a way of showing that the soul of the world was just as important as my logical view of the world. Things don't break down to a bunch of ones and zeroes. Humanity is more than the collection of people or body parts. I'm not good with the words to describe this soul or spirit, but it is important. It is really important. I have to remind myself sometimes that this spirit is important. The last three years as I worried about this surgery, those clothes, that look from someone, coming out to this one or that, it can start you to minimize this 'literary essence thingy' that is in me that is so important. My essence, my 'more than just the sum of my parts' is a female entity. It needs no qualifiers. It may have sprung from different soil or been fertilized in a way than other female entities, but the result is an unqualified female me. There were three women in that booth today.
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 07, 2019, 06:00:39 PM
. There were three women in that booth today.
and that is it, we are women!
It happend that three of us did some stuff together this afternoon/evening, too. I was, however the only trans woman, while the other two were cis girls (one of them a visitor from Nice in southern France).
If some person would have had to guess, who looked most masculine/trans in the group of us three women, they would have guessed that the lady from France was it. She is a big boned person with broad shoulders and really big hands, and otherwise also rather masculine facial features, but she is as cis as they come.
And that is it, the entire passing thing is a piece of ******, as long as a person feels confident in her being, she will pass and be seen as a woman! Facial features don't really say anything, as don't big hands and broad shoulders!
We are women, all of us!
Thanks Linde, you are right. I sometimes think that we logically know of our legitimacy, but society psychs us into emotionally wrestling with it. The longer I live it, the easier it is.
Quote from: Nightfall on April 02, 2019, 06:37:36 PM
I think that you are either better with words than me, are more imaginative/creative than me or more than likely both! :) I never came up with anything that good. I won't lie but there was a time when I spent a bunch of time looking for non-lie responses. I have not had anyone confront me in a very long time so I haven't had to worry about it. I still have must haves that require disclosure though, like when I got my mammogram last week and had to go through the Q&A. Have you had children? When did you first get your period? Yeah, no I am transsexual, no period.
@Nightfall
I had my mammogram today. On the sheet they ask when your last period was. I wrote N/A. The woman who saw my paperwork just asked, "You're not menstrating now are you?" I said no. I think that's all they want to know. If asked further, I'd say I'm too old. I saw no reason to say I am trans. I think she thought I was cis based on the way she spoke to me.
My first mammogram with implants was fine, not painful!
Moni
I like the N/A answer. Hope it keeps working for you.
Just thinking that there are other reasons for a female (of any age) not to get periods..?. I was in a long-term relationship with a woman who only got them when she was kicking and off drugs. She said it like she hadn't had them in years, and she wasn't quite 30 at the time.
HappyMoni, one way is to say they all in my pass now. You could be in menopause or had a hysterectomy. N/A covers them all nicely.
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 11, 2019, 05:12:49 PM
@Nightfall
I had my mammogram today. On the sheet they ask when your last period was. I wrote N/A. The woman who saw my paperwork just asked, "You're not menstrating now are you?" I said no. I think that's all they want to know. If asked further, I'd say I'm too old. I saw no reason to say I am trans. I think she thought I was cis based on the way she spoke to me.
My first mammogram with implants was fine, not painful!
Moni
Moni,
I like how you handled it. :) I don't know why I didn't do the same. Probably because when unexpectedly confronted I just don't think of it.
I wasn't expecting mine to be painful, the first two were not at all the biggest problem was how cold the contraption was. :o! This last one was painful though I don't know why or what was different.
Some of the discomfort could be from the skill of the technician, I would think. We are lucky these days. It used to be they would squeeze them between two metal plates. Now they use the plastic, curved surfaces on the machines. Much better!
I think when I was new at all this, I was so conscious of throwing right out there that I'm trans. Now, I am standing up for myself more and realizing I don't owe anyone that disclosure. Now if I chose to, that is different. I have to go to a new dentist soon. If it comes up, it does. There are places in this country trying to push (or have) these 'religious freedom' laws. They want to discriminate in the name of religion. (What's next, separate water fountains?) Stuff like that makes me say, "Hell no, it's time to stick up for our rights." I guess it is my previous white, male priviledge talking, but it is hard to imagine hearing, "We don't serve your kind here." It blows my mind!
Hi Monica, Awesome topic.
I had 4 operations with Dr. McGinn. All of my insurance CPT codes were for intersexed. I was not denied any of the procedure requested. I do not consider myself intersexed. I have body size issues but not something people measure. I gave up competitive swimming when 12 because I was embarrassed to be in a bathing suit and I could not get changed and would not shower or change in a locker room. I am was extremely small. An innie not an outie. I consider myself transsexual and female. Female more recently.
I had a gcs follow up procedure recently and the patient after me is a friend ( she had a very difficult revision surgery, I am very lucky). She was an advocate and now is stealth. We texted several times about the subject last week. I fully understand her reasoning. I thought and realized I had stopped going into community a year ago. I do not disclose to people I am trans unless it is for medical reasons. My last three operations, last week and two vocal operations I was asked repetitively, when was the last time I had my period. I tried to imply I was post menopausal but they started asking more invasive questions like do I have spotting and wanted specifics about the last period date. Anyhow I disclosed and that stopped it.
Last week I realized I had gone through the enormous change but now I have become use to or coped with or just became me. There still is change but not to the scale I had to deal with. My doctor said last week that next she would do xxxx and I told my doctor last week I am done. I am just done, no more. The words just came out. It is not that I do not want to look better down there. It is that I am done.
I think we all change and at some point are ourselves and are done. We may want to be xyz but reality sets in and we are just us, comfortable in our bodies more than the need to alter ourselves to align.
I no longer will disclose unless directly asked. The exception is if I find a male suiter.
In terms of respect within the medical umbrella I had a rather... interesting experience. Going in for orchiodectomy WITH all my legal records and gender registered as female (and yes I do 'pass' for that matters) there were multiple occasions from more than one nurse of being misgendered. Now I wanted the surgery so I just reminded them I am not, and never have been male. Also, that the chart said gender confirmation surgery and surely it was disrespectful regardless of the procedure to misgender me.
In terms of declaring all your procedures I think its probably safer to do so in that if I were to have an accident and there were gender specific procedures they are going to find... discrepancies. I'd rather ensure I get the right treatment.
Quote from: krobinson103 on April 12, 2019, 06:17:55 PM
In terms of respect within the medical umbrella I had a rather... interesting experience. Going in for orchiodectomy WITH all my legal records and gender registered as female (and yes I do 'pass' for that matters) there were multiple occasions from more than one nurse of being misgendered. Now I wanted the surgery so I just reminded them I am not, and never have been male. Also, that the chart said gender confirmation surgery and surely it was disrespectful regardless of the procedure to misgender me.
In terms of declaring all your procedures I think its probably safer to do so in that if I were to have an accident and there were gender specific procedures they are going to find... discrepancies. I'd rather ensure I get the right treatment.
That was the reason that I went in as a kind of male looking person. I was misgendered twice while there and addressed with ma'am though!
I did not have my legal name change done though.
Quote from: Rachel on April 12, 2019, 05:03:04 PM
Hi Monica, Awesome topic.
I had 4 operations with Dr. McGinn. All of my insurance CPT codes were for intersexed. I was not denied any of the procedure requested. I do not consider myself intersexed. I have body size issues but not something people measure. I gave up competitive swimming when 12 because I was embarrassed to be in a bathing suit and I could not get changed and would not shower or change in a locker room. I am was extremely small. An innie not an outie. I consider myself transsexual and female. Female more recently.
I had a gcs follow up procedure recently and the patient after me is a friend ( she had a very difficult revision surgery, I am very lucky). She was an advocate and now is stealth. We texted several times about the subject last week. I fully understand her reasoning. I thought and realized I had stopped going into community a year ago. I do not disclose to people I am trans unless it is for medical reasons. My last three operations, last week and two vocal operations I was asked repetitively, when was the last time I had my period. I tried to imply I was post menopausal but they started asking more invasive questions like do I have spotting and wanted specifics about the last period date. Anyhow I disclosed and that stopped it.
Last week I realized I had gone through the enormous change but now I have become use to or coped with or just became me. There still is change but not to the scale I had to deal with. My doctor said last week that next she would do xxxx and I told my doctor last week I am done. I am just done, no more. The words just came out. It is not that I do not want to look better down there. It is that I am done.
I think we all change and at some point are ourselves and are done. We may want to be xyz but reality sets in and we are just us, comfortable in our bodies more than the need to alter ourselves to align.
I no longer will disclose unless directly asked. The exception is if I find a male suiter.
Thanks for sharing this @Rachel! I am so happy to see that you have gotten to this peaceful place with yourself. I think we kind of both wondered if it would ever happen for a while there. My last real battle to get to where I want to be is coming next week when I pick up that phone and call about voice therapy. I don't know why it intimidates me so. I drew a few lines for myself though. No voice surgery and no fat transfers like body sculpting. I would love the latter, but (butt) no!
As for disclosure on questions about last period date, "I have no idea!" sounds like a response I would give. I do agree with @krobinson103 that if it is a health issue and my trans past is important, I'll squeal like the dirty rat I am. lol
Linde, @Dietland we are in different places of our journey's. At this point, I'd prefer being regarded as a woman, am quite okay with being seen as trans (sometimes pretty proud of it), but I am past the point of being able to be considered male. I can't stand it. Thank you for your comments about being intersex. I don't think being trans or being intersex is easy in any way.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 13, 2019, 07:16:30 AM
Linde, @Dietland we are in different places of our journey's. At this point, I'd prefer being regarded as a woman, am quite okay with being seen as trans (sometimes pretty proud of it), but I am past the point of being able to be considered male. I can't stand it. Thank you for your comments about being intersex. I don't think being trans or being intersex is easy in any way.
Moni
Moni, I don't know what is of more importance for me personally, being intersex, or being trans, because I am kind of both. My intersex syndrome made it definitely easier for me to be a woman, because I did not have to undergo all those changes, most trans women have to do. But I still was socialized as a male, and had, like all other trans women to redo this into being female ( once in a while I still see me slipping back into that male thing - I still do mansplaning a lot to my girlfriends). For me, intersex and trans did more or less blend together in making me into the woman I am currently. Of course, I can never stop being intersex, because that is the biology of my body, but I hope that one day, I do not consider myself anymore to be trans, but to have arrived. I see this one day being the day that I got SRS. Once i had that surgery, I would feel equal to a cis woman who had an hysterectomy, after all, I have the same XX chromosomes cis women have!
My goodness! You girls sure say a lot of what is in my mind, that I don't have the courage to say or type.
Particularly that we were concerned if Racehel would ever be happy with herself. She has put herself through the wringer again and again. Much like Christine Jorgensen back in the day. Can you imagine what it would have been like, back in the 50s? We just have to follow Rachel's story to to share the struggle and the angst in our modern world. Thanks Rachel, for pouring it out on the table for us. Better therapy is hard to find I think.
Oh my. I have a bone to pick with the world! I get so mad having to justify my self! Can't we just be "people?" "Persons." "Friends." I want to be able to display whatever side of me is working for that day. I want to get up and just...be. Who I am. not so much of what I am. Sweatpants or suit, bra or no bra, flats or heels. I identify ME, not those other folks. Why the hangups? Oh my.
Quote from: HappyMoni on March 31, 2019, 09:29:26 PM
I have been thinking about the different situations in my life. ... I then started thinking about a different explanation of my situation. I thought, what if I said that I have always had a genetic hormonal problem that has had the effect of masculinizing my body in certain ways. I thought about it. I think it is a different way to say what my situation is that is truthful, even if it isn't the explanation commonly given, loaded down with the scientific facts and labeling. If pressed I wouldn't hide being trans, but to me this describes my situation from the stand point of my brain. My brain has always fought to be female despite me running from that fact for so long. Essentially, yeah, my genetics caused my hormones to change my body in ways I never wanted. I wanted none of its masculinizing effects. This is really an explanation that a female brained person would give. Society says I'm this thing called trans (and that's okay) but from my perspective the genetics (and resulting hormones) took things to a whole other place, one not matching my brain. Since my brain is the essence of who I am, the genetics to me are way secondary.
Moni
Hi Moni:
I bookmarked your thread and have thought about it a lot.
I need to come out to my daughters very soon. That means also coming out to my son-in-laws and grandchildren. Your 'New Way to Look at My [Our] Situation' is a Godsend to me. It gives me a basis on how to approach the upcoming conversations. Thank You!
It's funny. I'm not worried about my daughters or grandchildren. (Actually I think my 15 year old granddaughter may be figuring me out - based in this past weekend.). My worry is my Son-in-Laws response and the pressure that could put on my daughters and grandchildren. I know I can't control that.
So the plan is to talk to each of my daughters individually starting with my Nurse Practioner middle daughter. I'm going to use your description and probably add to it the DES effects. The DES should not be much of a surprise since I've been forwarding them the research (albeit very limited research) on DES grandchildren.
Assuming my middle daughter is understanding, my hope is she can help make the case to her sisters that i am dealing with a medical condition - or a birth defect.
Again, thanks for your post!
Kate
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Quote from: Emma1017 on April 02, 2019, 11:34:55 AM
"I was hardwired female before birth and then had that reality buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial.
I am not becoming a woman, I've always been one, I just want to stop pretending to be a man."
Wow! that was so beautifully put Emma!! ...Almost cried. Please can I borrow that for my coming out letter?
Quote from: jkredman on May 07, 2019, 01:29:11 AM
Hi Moni:
I bookmarked your thread and have thought about it a lot.
I need to come out to my daughters very soon. That means also coming out to my son-in-laws and grandchildren. Your 'New Way to Look at My [Our] Situation' is a Godsend to me. It gives me a basis on how to approach the upcoming conversations. Thank You!
It's funny. I'm not worried about my daughters or grandchildren. (Actually I think my 15 year old granddaughter may be figuring me out - based in this past weekend.). My worry is my Son-in-Laws response and the pressure that could put on my daughters and grandchildren. I know I can't control that.
So the plan is to talk to each of my daughters individually starting with my Nurse Practioner middle daughter. I'm going to use your description and probably add to it the DES effects. The DES should not be much of a surprise since I've been forwarding them the research (albeit very limited research) on DES grandchildren.
Assuming my middle daughter is understanding, my hope is she can help make the case to her sisters that i am dealing with a medical condition - or a birth defect.
Again, thanks for your post!
Kate
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Hi Kate,
I'm so glad you found this useful. I'll be pulling for you with your coming out process. As I think back to my coming out now with hind sight, I see that at times I felt like I bent over backwards to get people to go along with me on my journey. At certain points, I almost felt apologetic. In the sense that I was sorry for putting people like my immediate family through a possible ordeal with me, I see the apology as legitimate. Causing others distress is not what I like to do. I think I was able to draw a line when I was thinking more logically (and less with emotion) that, damn it, I have nothing to apologize for for my life. I did not hurt anybody. Whether the reason I had a female brain with a male body had a cause (DES, hormonal imbalance, genetic disposition, or witches spell), it really doesn't matter. I have this situation. Judge me when you have dealt with it yourself. It is no sin, no perversion, no trend, no whim! It is my life! Kate, I don't know if you are familiar with Emma's thread. I recently posted my coming out letter on there. It was very much a statement of "Okay I am tired of running, running doesn't work, this is the pain and shame I've dealt with, and I have to start living for me and not worry about the approval of others." It is not a "screw you if you don't like it" but more of a "I'm going to hold my head up high, proceed with as much class as I can, and you are invited to come along." I think the passage you quoted was very about us having a way to hold our heads up high and dismiss the shame we don't deserve. Good luck Hon! Thanks for bringing this thread up again, I enjoyed it.
Warmly,
Moni
I think it is always tougher for folks, 'supposed to be guys' for so long, to quite the fraternity and tell 'other' guys. It is just harder.