Hi all, I'm new here. I've been reading posts and learning but wanted to say hi and introduce myself. I'm the mom of a 16 year old trans daughter. She just came out as trans 2 weeks ago. Before that she was my very feminine, makeup wearing gay son. I've long suspected she was meant to be a girl. When she was 3 she told me "God made a mistake and gave me a penis, I'm a grill (girl)" so I never held her to gender norms. I bought her a cape and she turned it around, slapped a belt on and said "look, a dress!" So this is no surprise. I've assured her that I love the spirit within her and that whatever her outside body looks like is ok with me. But she's struggling very much. Her anxiety is through the roof. She can barely function some days. She's at the point where living as a boy is destroying her but she's afraid.
She was just hospitalized for a week to start medication and get help for her depression and anxiety. We have a therapist (who is gay and works mostly with LGBT teens) and we're in Boston so we're on the waitlist with children's hospital GEMS program for hormone blockers. Her grandma is taking her clothes shopping today for some new stuff.
How can I best support her? I'm afraid for her. I want people to see her for the beautiful spirit she is, not just as the trans person, you know? I fear people will want to harm her. I also fear jumping into the transition too soon because she's still young. Will she regret any of it? Am I negligent to start her on hormones? I'm open to any and all advice.
Also? You all are inspiring and beautiful. I'm in awe of your strength after reading your stories. You all give me hope for my girl ❤️
Kinda in *shock* right now , , , watch the new Netflix movie "Girl", I was impressed despite terrible ending (which in real life didn't happen) and then . . .
Read this thread - perhaps talk/connect with a kindred trans mother? (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,245910.0.html)
I am a parent who's also "trans", have known for 40 years, and am realizing not all of us "survive it"? I added you to my "buddy/watch" list don't wanna see THAT happen again!
Cheers for you! Sounds like your doing all the right things already!
Dear Jilian,
Hi welcome to Susan's Place. It sounds like you are doing a lot of things correctly. Thank you for your accepting attitude and the love you are showing. I look back at my own desperation and think of what was important to me to know. I really needed to know that a good outcome was possible. Being trans and not being yourself is like carrying a ten thousand pound weight around with you. With your daughter being so young, I would say present her a glimpse of a future where she can see her being herself, being happy and surrounded by supportive people. It is so important that she has hope to achieve a happy future. Yes, she will go through some things, but they are doable. I know you have your fears as a parent. I am a parent as well. Show her you believe in her and her future. Don't have your face be one of all your fears. I think it is incredibly unlikely that she will do a right turn from what she is telling you now. (I'm no doctor.)
I would urge you to keep talking to us here. It is a safe place and there is a collective wisdom that comes from experience. Speaking as someone who doubted it was possible for me to face this, I have transitioned and am incredibly happy because of it. Oh, my name is Moni, short for Monica. If I can ever do anything to help, I would be happy to do so. Hugs to you, Mom. Hi to your daughter.
I think the Girl movie shows how powerful the drive to be yourself is, but the ending is disturbing in my opinion. It might do more to heighten anxiety than help, when first starting to understand this. My thought.
Hi Jillian, as a parent I can tell you that the best support you can give your child is lots of love and understanding. In our family it is me who is trans, my son is as cis as they come. But he is a great support for me.
We all need loved ones who support us, and make sure that we are not out there alone. For any trans person, no matter what age, the outside world is challenging and tries to ridicule us whenever they can. At that point nothing can replace a loving, understanding parent (for me this is my son).
Continue to be a loving and understanding parent to your new daughter, and help her to thrive and become the most beautiful and happiest person in the world!
She is so wonderful young, and has her entire life as a female in front of her, I really envy her for this!
I like many here, tried to live a very long time as a man, and were miserable for doing so. I am finally a happy woman now!
Your daughter has the chance to be this happy person for her entire life, help her with lots of love and understanding to be able to do this!
I wish the two of you lots of luck!
Linde
Hi Jilian :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
I think it's great that you support her like you do
How about stopping by our Introductions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) Forum and introducing yourself so more folks can get to know you a bit better ;)
Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along
Things that you should read
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Hugs
V M
you keep being the best momma you can be.
she'll need that support, and make sure she knows she can talk to you about everything. Every doubt, every niggling thought because doubt? it's suuuuper common in this journey and really normal.
The fact she has a supportive family is really going to make things a lot easier, but realistically, it'll always be rough.
She has an advantage that she's going into this with people on her side and young, unlike some of us who lived shadow lives well into adulthood.
You aren't negligant at all, you're listening to your child. It is her body and her life and the best you can do as a parent is support them through that as safely and with as much love as possible.
I hope her transition goes well and she goes on to be happy and confident and comfortable in her flesh and her life.
Thank you all. I really like the idea of getting her some trans role models to look up to. We listened to Janet Mock on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday podcast the other day and that was nice for both of us. She follows someone named Gigi Gorgeous that has transitioned too. And I binge-listened to all of the "How to be a girl" podcast done by mom of a trans daughter. My nephew is trans too - he came out when he was 7! He's 9 now. So my sister is very plugged in with our local trans support groups. I'll be attending our local PFLAG for transgender parents soon - they also have a group for the kids to get together that I'll encourage my daughter to attend. My sister has taken her son to meet Jazz and attends lots of group events so we'll join in for the next one too. She recommended we watch this season of "I am Jazz" because Jazz is candid about the surgeries she's been through. My daughter is extremely interested in the surgeries and wants to know more so I've been trying to learn and share info. She thought that to be trans she had to have the full gender reassignment surgery (is that the correct term? Apologies if it is not) and I've assured her that she does not if she doesn't want to. She can still be 100% female without having any surgery. I think that was a relief, but she does have a great hate for anything that feels male to her.
I can see that each time she transitions a little more (first it was "no more haircuts" and then "I'm gonna transition my clothes" and "no more body hair" and "makeup every day") she seems to feel less burdened. A few weeks ago she wasn't sleeping or eating (she lost 13 lbs and she's already very thin) and was having constant panic attacks and couldn't attend her classes at school. I thought we were gonna lose her, she was in such bad shape and hurting so much. But she's seeming more and more comfortable each time she owns the fact that she is a girl. She's working up the courage to go to school with her new clothes. I'll meet with the school on Monday and let them know - our school is pretty excellent and was always accepting and protective when she was a gay boy - so I expect acceptance for her coming out as a female. There is one other trans girl at her school currently too.
One part that has been very hard for her is that her father (my ex husband) is a Jehovah's Witness and is very unaccepting of anything related to being gay or tans. We've been divorced since she was 2 and I remarried when she was 5. Her stepdad is extremely accepting as is all of our family. But not having her father's acceptance (and it goes further than that - he shames her and tries really hard to get her to be straight) is really, really hard on her. For that reason, she hasn't told him that she's trans. She doesn't want to because she fears he will block her from being allowed to go through the GEMS program and start blockers. I fear that too, but I assured her that I'll do what I need to do to make it happen. Lucky for us, her father lives 3.5 hours away and they rarely see each other in person. So hiding it won't be too difficult.
Sorry for the novel, it is so refreshing to be around others who understand. Some people just don't get it, you know? And my sister's son is FTM so the transition is different, and he hasn't hit puberty yet so he hasn't entered the world of blockers or hormones or surgeries.
Hi Jillian
I'm glad to see parents like you around. When I was your daughter's age, I was terrified someone would find out I was "different". I did everything I could to keep others from finding out. I initially started out by trying on my sister's tights and later stockings. After I moved out on my own, I started buying my own things and my ex liked to see me in stockings or pantyhose. I later on started full cross dressing. All this time, I tried to keep things secret, except from a select few. However, in the past few years I accepted I am trans and recently started HRT. My life would have been completely different, if I had the support you are providing your daughter. I have no idea how my mother would have reacted, as I was too scared to tell her. Keep up the good work, your daughter will appreciate it.
As someone who knew something had to change at 13 which was 31 years ago and tried to meet the 'expectation' of society for almost 30 years I have to applaud your support of your daughter. Spending most of your life pretending is a crushing weight, and, leads to complications later (spouse, job, etc) which makes it harder. Transitioning at 16 will be challenging but also a great opportunity.
Its not something to fear, but something to celebrate. She will need your support as its a real roller coaster ride! I'll echo the comments above. Susan's has many resources and a vast collective experience that can only help your family come to terms with the changes ahead. I'd like to suggest you read my little poem at the bottom of this message and look at the positives of this process and there are many!
Hi, Jillian. Welcome.
Congratulations on being a loving, supportive parent. It sounds to me like you are doing everything right.
Quote from: Jilian on April 19, 2019, 12:40:29 PMI also fear jumping into the transition too soon because she's still young. Will she regret any of it? Am I negligent to start her on hormones?
Your daughter has shown a consistent pattern of gender identity for most of her life. That is not a "phase". It is highly unlikely that she will regret transitioning.
It would be really beneficial to her to start her on androgen blockers as soon as possible, to prevent any further effects of male puberty. Medical professionals are divided on whether to prescribe replacement hormones under age 18. Most will wait until the person is 18 before starting hormones, but some will start them as early as 16. That is something you should talk over with your daughter's doctor.
Krobinson, thanks for the perspective, you are right! I'm happy that she can live her truth from this point forward.
I know you're right KathyLauren. This has been a consistent pattern. I have two other children who have never questioned their gender so I know it's not just a phase that kids go through.
We aren't due to be seen with Gems until August. I don't know that we can get blockers before then. But we're on their waitlist for cancellations. I'd like to get her started sooner rather than later. I wonder if a pediatrician would prescribe a blocker?
Quote from: Jilian on April 19, 2019, 12:40:29 PM
Hi all, I'm new here. I've been reading posts and learning but wanted to say hi and introduce myself. I'm the mom of a 16 year old trans daughter. She just came out as trans 2 weeks ago. Before that she was my very feminine, makeup wearing gay son. I've long suspected she was meant to be a girl. When she was 3 she told me "God made a mistake and gave me a penis, I'm a grill (girl)" so I never held her to gender norms. I bought her a cape and she turned it around, slapped a belt on and said "look, a dress!" So this is no surprise. I've assured her that I love the spirit within her and that whatever her outside body looks like is ok with me. But she's struggling very much. Her anxiety is through the roof. She can barely function some days. She's at the point where living as a boy is destroying her but she's afraid.
She was just hospitalized for a week to start medication and get help for her depression and anxiety. We have a therapist (who is gay and works mostly with LGBT teens) and we're in Boston so we're on the waitlist with children's hospital GEMS program for hormone blockers. Her grandma is taking her clothes shopping today for some new stuff.
How can I best support her? I'm afraid for her. I want people to see her for the beautiful spirit she is, not just as the trans person, you know? I fear people will want to harm her. I also fear jumping into the transition too soon because she's still young. Will she regret any of it? Am I negligent to start her on hormones? I'm open to any and all advice.
Also? You all are inspiring and beautiful. I'm in awe of your strength after reading your stories. You all give me hope for my girl ❤️
Jilian,
Let your daughter be your daughter. Be there to hug her and love her when she has a bad day. Let her know that you love her, unconditionally. Tell her that she is beautiful. Do girl things with her (mani's, pedi's, shopping, etc). The fact that you reached out to us tells me that you are a class "A" Super Mom who is in tune with your child. This isn't easy for the both of you, but you got this. Simply be a Mom to your Daughter
There are going to be lots of ups and downs, setbacks, false starts, tears from both of you, and she may be on the receiving end of discrimination. Hug her, love her, embrace who she is, and most importantly be proud of her. If she is up for it, find an accepting martial arts dojo to teach her self defense. It will do wonders for her self confidence. It did wonders for me.
Try to find a support group in your area if possible. You will find that we are an awful lot of fun to be around ;-)
But most importantly Jilian, remember to be a Mom. You two will be just fine!
You are not being negligent, at 12 you may have been premature for anything other than blockers but not now. I have been there, at that age and younger, sometimes it feels like you can't breathe, you can't function and only one thing matters.
From what you have said you are doing all of the right things. You can't protect her from this as hard as that may be to accept. It can be hard or not, you just don't know but I think you do know that it can't be avoided. Monitor her mental health as much as you can, that age is hard for everyone and trans is like a nuclear bomb on top of that.
It's, I don't know. You made me cry. I have no idea what my life would have been like if one person in my life had been like you. I am so glad that your daughter will never have to experience anything like my life. Thank you.
Nightfall, big hugs to you! I'm sorry that you didn't have the support you needed. Everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally. You're brave for embracing your truth despite not having the support that you deserved. You're a warrior ❤️
:icon_hug: Hugs!
Quote from: Jilian on April 19, 2019, 08:22:05 PM
Nightfall, big hugs to you! I'm sorry that you didn't have the support you needed. Everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally. You're brave for embracing your truth despite not having the support that you deserved. You're a warrior ❤️
Back when I was her age, if a kid came out as trans or gay, they'd likely be taken to a shrink to be "cured". Fortunately, those days are largely gone and many of today's kids have parents like you, who encourage them to lead their life.
Hello Jilian,
I can't tell you how much joy your coming to Susan's in search of ways to support your daughter has given me. You have actually brought me to tears!
There have been many very good suggestions on how to support your daughter, the best being to just love your daughter, hold her close and give her totally unconditional support and love. The mani and pedi idea. sounds great as well.
You do well worrying for her, both her and your journeys will be difficult and for a young one, almost impossible to handle alone. Together you can create a story that will be cherished by our entire community!
So, please stay around, read, ask, listen and share your progresses. And love on that girl as if her life depended upon it. Thank you for being the mom that so many of us wished we had growing up!
Tia Anne
Its wonderful that you are supportive of her , i would like to mention the show "I am Jazz"
If you do not know about it already it is about a teenage Trans girl and her journey with struggles and achievements during her transition. Unlike a lot of the shows that are actors portraying roles. This show is real time about Jazz Jennings and her family.
On the show there are many transgendered teenagers, these are all real people and their stories
You may wnat watch this with her and it could also help You with some of your questions would probably be answered or you would at least know what questions to ask , Jazz parents and siblings also talk about their roles and feelings during the transition, this is about real life as she is going thru it
I believe there is 3 seasons now
Have to warn you thou its addicting Lol
lots of hugs and understanding
Welcome to Susan's Place. You are doing about everything that can be done at this point. Transgender treatment isn't something that can be done in 48 hours but takes a few years to accomplish. The surgery may take up to a year when you include the followup but the social adjustments can take even longer. Your daughter has spent years learning the male role so adjusting to the feminine isn't going to happen overnight.
There is a good deal more available today than when I transitioned. Blockers are relatively new and in the past, medical treatment wasn't started until a person was 18. A few people were able to socially transition if they had understanding parents but that was rare. Compared to the past, you have made great progress and in as little as a year or two I am sure you will see many changes.
One thing your daughter might consider is visiting this web site. People of all ages are welcome and we watch over our younger members so they are protected from harm.
Thanks, I'll certainly let her know about this website. She's already super feminine- always has been so that makes things easier. She's also an amazing artist and makeup artist so she's got the makeup down pat. She went thrifting with her grandma yesterday and came home with a whole new wardrobe, I'm teaching her about bras and how to flatter her shape to give the illusion of feminine curves. I also had to give her the talk about dressing too provocatively and getting unwanted male attention. I like the idea of a self defense class.
She told me yesterday that she wants to be a feminist and show the world that women can achieve great things. I'm really proud of her. I, myself am a woman working in a male dominated-field (accounting) and I work hard to clear a spot for women in the upper level and empower them to advance their careers. I'd love to see her do the same, especially for LGBT women.
She's doing very well today. She loves her new clothes and came out to her younger brother and sister at dinner last night. She said she'd like us all to start using female pronouns and we agreed and told her she was very brave to tell us all. She's considering coming out to her cousins tomorrow at Easter. That should go very well too as one of her cousins is trans (FTM). Monday I meet with her school and she gave me her blessing to tell them and work out the bathroom and locker room logistics.
Oh! And I ordered her a rose gold wig. She is SO EXCITED. I'll see if she'll let me post a pic of her when she tries it on. She's so beautiful, wait til you all see her!
OMG, I have tears in my eyes from reading your post. I love your family!! How I wish that all of us could have had such support at home. You are making the world better by your example!
Jilian you are so beautiful. Thank you for being an example of a mother's love. XO
Quote from: Jilian on April 20, 2019, 12:20:07 PM
Thanks, I'll certainly let her know about this website. She's already super feminine- always has been so that makes things easier. She's also an amazing artist and makeup artist so she's got the makeup down pat. She went thrifting with her grandma yesterday and came home with a whole new wardrobe, I'm teaching her about bras and how to flatter her shape to give the illusion of feminine curves. I also had to give her the talk about dressing too provocatively and getting unwanted male attention. I like the idea of a self defense class.
She told me yesterday that she wants to be a feminist and show the world that women can achieve great things. I'm really proud of her. I, myself am a woman working in a male dominated-field (accounting) and I work hard to clear a spot for women in the upper level and empower them to advance their careers. I'd love to see her do the same, especially for LGBT women.
She's doing very well today. She loves her new clothes and came out to her younger brother and sister at dinner last night. She said she'd like us all to start using female pronouns and we agreed and told her she was very brave to tell us all. She's considering coming out to her cousins tomorrow at Easter. That should go very well too as one of her cousins is trans (FTM). Monday I meet with her school and she gave me her blessing to tell them and work out the bathroom and locker room logistics.
Oh! And I ordered her a rose gold wig. She is SO EXCITED. I'll see if she'll let me post a pic of her when she tries it on. She's so beautiful, wait til you all see her!
Your daughter is so lucky! You have no idea how much difference you are going to make in her life allowing her to be authentic from the start.
Lots of ups and downs with my daughter lately. Monday she went back to school after being discharged from her partial program and that went very well. She came out to several people and got lots of support. Then Tuesday she had another very anxious day at school and her therapist prepared her for the possibility that GEMS may not treat her with blockers or hormones without her father's consent. That threw her into a deep, dark depression. I've never seen her drop that low. It broke my heart and made me realize that this is most certainly not just a phase for her. I reminded her that we have many options (ask for permission, fight in court for permission, find other ways to get blockers, etc) and she's feeling a little more positive today. Now that she's out and has acceptance she wants her transition to be done already. I did some research on foods that block testosterone and have estrogen and ended up going out to buy her some soy beans and soy milk. That made her feel like she's at least taking some steps in the right direction. Tonight she starts group therapy with other teens who deal with anxiety and depression. I'm also waiting for a call back from Children's Hospital to see if they can do blockers without her father's permission. He's a Jehovah's witness and getting his acceptance will be hard - he's also completely uninvolved in her life both emotionally and financially. It angers me that he even gets a say with how absent he's been.
Jilian
There is a lot of comments and advice on the post. But I just want to give you a hug for doing what my parents didn't want to do for me as a teen.
Best of luck I hope you find a way to help your daughter.
Jilian, you guys can do it! As long as you stick together and pull on the rope into the same direction, it will work!
My ex, an educator, made a big sign she stuck to the fridge, reading "we can work it out and make it happen".
each time our son had problems, she told him to read the sign! And we did work it out and made it happen. And so will you! Te path may be rocky, but nobody said it would be easy! Just be there for your daughter and continue to be the great mom you are!
You can work it out and make it happen!
Good luck and lots of hugs!
Linde
I commend you for supporting your daughter at a time in her life where she really needs support. Blockers were not available when I was growing up in the 60's and 70's. If they had been my entire life would have been different (better). You are making a big difference in her life. I don't know for sure but as far as her father goes you may be able to get blockers with just your consent.
Boston Children's has a very good trans program. She can find support there for HRT and therapy.
She can also find support in community but it needs to be an age appropriate program with a therapist present.
Depression is something that unfortunately accompanies large change and being in transition qualifies as very large change. It is very important to support her identity, which it sounds like you are doing. Love her and encourage her and most of all be there for her.
She is who she is supposed to be and transition is very stressful. In time with proper positive reinforcement and friends she will grow her identity and harden her outer shell.
I am in Philly and there are several trans woman that do hair, electrolysis, laser and makeup and are very good with the kids. Perhaps you can find that in Boston too.
People are people and many have agendas. I have not had an issue. There were a few guys that tried to solicited me but I was talking to another trans woman on a corner in a location where sex work occurs. Being seen as a trans woman or a woman is very different than being seen as male. So she will need a crash coarse on what the differences are between male and female and the issue of safety.
Hi Jillian. Welcome to the site. First of all you are helping your daughter more than you might realize just by being accepting and supportive. That makes a huge difference. My situation was a little different than your daughters. It was actually my mother who was unaccepting. Thankfully my dad was very accepting and supportive. Like your daughter I was very feminine and wore makeup. My family all assumed I was just gay. I was afraid to come out as trans. My dad is a former Marine and is now a cop. He's pretty much the stereotypical masculine guy. I was afraid he wouldn't accept me being trans. Strangely enough a week after I turned 17 my dad actually just came out and asked me if I wanted to be a girl. He made sure to tell me it was ok if I did. Within 2 months I was in therapy and on HRT. My dad has been extremely supportive. He found my therapist and a doctor who would prescribe HRT. He helped me research surgeons and I had my GRS last May at the age of 20, which he payed for. He also went with me to have the surgery. I can't even imagine what life would have been like or where I would be right now without his love and support. I also have to give my older brother credit as well. I was afraid he wouldn't accept me being trans. But he also has been very supportive and loving through my transition. As for regrets, I have absolutely none. I am extremely thankful I was able to transition young and now at the age of 20 the surgery and entire transition is done and behind me. I think your daughter will feel the same way once it's all over. By transitioning young, like me, she will never have to deal with trying to pretend to be an adult male. Your daughter is already ahead because she has your support. I just can't emphasize enough how important that is and how much easier it makes the tragedy of being born trans. As for her dad, he will either grow to accept her or he will not. She may have to face cutting him out of her life at some point. I know that sounds cold but sometimes that is the only option for dealing with non accepting people. Unfortunately I had to cut my mom out of my life. She now lives in another state and I don't speak to her. But hopefully your daughter's dad will come to accept her. Feel free to PM me if I can help you with anything else. I don't have the life experience most of the ladies here do but I do know what it's like to transition young.
Julia..
Thank you all for the encouragement!
Dietlind, I like your sign idea. I think we're going to need a refrigerator sign here too.
Amore & Danielle, thank you both!
Rachel, I'm happy to see you posting here. Your very long transition thread is the first one I read on this forum. I read the whole thing and it gave me hope and I shared what I learned with my daughter. There is SO MUCH trans support here in Boston, we're very lucky for that.
Julia, I'm sorry about your mother - that's hard. But yay for your dad's support! That is surprising- a marine & police officer is the last person I'd expect to be supportive but I'm so glad he is.
We're still plugging along here with ups and downs. My sister got married Friday and my daughter wore a dress to the wedding. I was so nervous for her putting herself out there like that but it went very well. All of our family members now know...lol. She looked very much like a cis girl in her dress and no one batted an eye or gave her a second look when we were out and about.
When she was auditioning dresses for the wedding and came out in the dress she chose my H (her stepdad who has been in her life since she was 2) broke down crying. He said "you just look so beautiful and it's like I'm seeing you for the first time". They've gotten very close during this process. Oddly she's been super confrontational with me. Lots of hurtful comments about my appearance. I think it's just part of the process? She's judging everything about me, my clothes, makeup, hair. It's exhausting. We're usually very close so I'm hoping we get back to that eventually.
I hope my comment about my daughter looking like a cis girl isn't offensive. I don't think that any trans woman needs to aim for that. But my daughter has set that goal for herself, so it felt like a win for her. Her current goal is for no one to know that she was ever born with male parts. I'm sure that goal will evolve but that's where she's at right now. I'm over here reminding her that women come in all varieties and that gender is a spectrum. She's still just 16 though so I cut her some slack.
Hi Jilian, I'm amazed to see how much you do to support your daughter. You are running on love and would do anything for her, it's obvious. If people would be like you everywhere, it would be a very harmonious world for trans people with no need to hide or to fear attacks of any kind. Everyone would know and would understand. Your daughter is really lucky to have you.
The exchange of the cape for the dress melted my heart. I'm sorry that your daughter has anxiety issues, I also had them all my life. I know what it is to skip school or exiting with panic attacks but for me it was not about being trans at this time so your context is different. I still know the struggle and the consequences. I know it's hard. But you are boosting her self confidence and esteem, she can just become more affirmative and convinced of her right to be who she is, and even more, how a wonderful person she is, and more able to defend herself and trust in herself. Anxiety feeds a lot of lack of those things. But your daughter seems to enjoy be herself so much, she looks strong and happy despite all the difficulties. Combined with your care and your love, I think she will be okay and surely never forget how much you helped her.
I would like to say why she fights you sometimes, but I don't know, I always assumed that teens and parents end up like this for a while, whatever the context is. But she could certainly not blame your lack of support! I guess the best is to ask her why she is angry. It seems about your appearance but this is probably not the real answer.
If your daughter is really looking like a cis girl, it's even more wonderful for her! Everything can be easier, and she can also accept herself easier. With this advantage, her will and a mother like you, at my opinion she looks like one of the most lucky trans girls around!
Wow... there are many people here who would've killed to have had a parent who appears to be as supportive as you.
I struggle every day with the sense of fear, shame, embarrassment... and that is mostly fear of coming out to my parents and those who know me. It is a dead weight around my neck. So reassuring your daughter that you accept her and are there for her is one massive relief for any trans person. For me, acceptance is a huge step and it scares the hell out of me... so knowing that people have my back and are there to support me is the best gift you can give her.
Also knowing other trans people in real life is also a big relief because it demonstrates that you are not the only person out there suffering dysphoria... the internet is great and I got some amazing help from Moni and others online which I will be eternally grateful but the support I get from my local trans group is vitally important to me. Until I stepped through that door, I was expecting cross dressing men / drag queens but to meet people in real life who suffered dysphoria too and at varying degrees of transition from fully transitioned to just starting out like me... that made a huge difference for me... and they care about me too. They worry about me and they help me when I need it. I find it difficult to come out but knowing there are people who care about me and support me... I really can't stress how important they are to me.
So I think you are doing all the right things to help your daughter. Knowing you have her back and support her will remove at least half of the fear. It is so nice to hear about people like yourself in the world and truly wish your daughter all the best in her transition.
love
Alice
Quote from: Jilian on April 30, 2019, 07:07:07 AM
I hope my comment about my daughter looking like a cis girl isn't offensive. I don't think that any trans woman needs to aim for that. But my daughter has set that goal for herself, so it felt like a win for her. Her current goal is for no one to know that she was ever born with male parts. I'm sure that goal will evolve but that's where she's at right now. I'm over here reminding her that women come in all varieties and that gender is a spectrum. She's still just 16 though so I cut her some slack.
I doubt anyone was offended by your comment. I had the same goal as your daughter though I didn't word it the same. I just said my goal was to be 100% passable. I'm happy to say I achieved that goal. Your daughter has an excellent chance of achieving the same since she is starting young. I was lucky because I never go thy facial hair, my voice never dropped into the male range and I'm small. 5'4 112 lbs. All that is a bit of a miracle considering my older brother is 6'4 and very muscular. Though I got lucky with male puberty I got the short end of the gene pool being albino. As for your daughter being critical and a bit nasty I think I might know why. She may have some resentment towards you because you were born female. I know that sounds weird but I went through th hat with my mom. I had resentment toward her because she was female. I would watch her put on makeup and get dressed in her beautiful clothes and I was so resentful because I couldn't do the same. Your daughter may be expressing past resentment that's built up over time. She might not even realize why she's doing. Hopefully she will get over it soon
Alice, I'm so sad to hear that you struggle with fear, embarrassment and shame. It makes me sad that anyone should be made to feel embarrassed or ashamed of who they are. But I know that the world has been brutal to trans people so I can see why the fear would be there. I'm so glad you've found support. You deserve to be celebrated for who you are.
Julia, I think you're right. She may just be annoyed that I don't have the same struggles that she's having when it comes to being female. I'm trying to ignore her comments and not take them personally. Unfortunately she has gone through quite a bit of male puberty. She's grown quite tall and has a little facial hair. Her jaw structure has changed a little but it's not overly masculine. Hopefully we can get into children's hospital sooner than August to start the blockers.