So my husband is a sweet lovely man, but while he claims he's going to support me through this, i'm not convinced he's totally completely on board. I have rather dumped a lot on him all of a sudden after all, to go from a straight passing family to suddenly your wife is your husband, it's a big deal.
I've tried to be understanding of course, tried to take things slow but ultimately, i'm rather desperate to get started on this road but terrified that if i'm not careful i'll drive him away.
He's worried about body hair, i'm already pretty dang hairy and personally find the idea of becoming somewhat of a wolfman pretty hilarious but I think there's an element of immasculation going on there, like, if i'm hairier he'll feel inferior? Masculinity is silly like that.
He was trying to grow a beard but has given up now because it wouldn't really grow and I think he's frustrated that he can't "out man" me.
But I mean I get it. I'm terrible at the "proving myself" nonsense as well. That macho masculine "look how tough, how strong, how manly I am!" contest stuff. Why do we do it? I dunno, it's dumb, but we still do.
Men, we're idiots.
But he IS really struggling to call me by correct pronouns. Granted I haven't demanded he do so but I wish he'd make a little more effort not to call me "woman" or refer to me as "wife". He says he doesn't like the word Husband, but honestly I think that's an excuse. I think he's just finding it a difficult adjustment and I don't want to force the issue because ultimately, I AM asking a lot of him.
Regardless of how he describes his fluid sexuality, he HAS never been in an intimate romantic relationship with a guy. He's had crushes on guys sure, but he's never really explored that side of himself and as a result it's all a bit scary.
But i'm not sure how to gently remind him that i'd rather he correctly gendered me, even if I don't currently "pass" and am pre hormones.
Him calling me "wife" doesn't hurt me, pronouns don't much bother me but it does make me feel like maybe he's not really quite so supportive as he claims or quite so willing to actually acknowledge it, which makes me anxious.
I get it takes time, but his reluctance to adapt makes me worry that he never really will.
I see him flinch a little every time I mentioned testosterone effects, he's scared and I feel guilty. I love this man, deeply and utterly, he's my best friend as well as lover and at the end of the day, if transitioning would mean losing him, I won't transition. I can LIVE like this, i've lived like this for 33 years, I can adjust, I can make do with compromise (that is, dressing as a guy but not taking any meds) but it will always be a compromise.
But I can't resent him for being nervous. Most guys would run a mile if their wife said "i'm not sure I want to be a woman any more."
And I know how lucky I am that my husband is "queer enough" to at least consider the idea. The fact neither of us are really gender conforming and are both super massively not straight has always been a big appeal of our relationship honestly. I could always be myself and he could always be himself without judgement or worry.
I'll admit, there's a large part of me that always worried he'd come out as gay to me anyway, leave me for a guy. It's funny because i've never worried he'd leave me for a woman.
He would, I know, prefer I remained non binary, skirted that line between genders, was androgynous because he finds that hot. But i'm not sure that's what I want and i'm not sure how to really broach this subject with him.
I want the testosterone, I want top surgery, I want to present as male even if I am not entirely gender conforming even in that role. I look forward to a day where I don't have to bind my breasts, the idea of a deeper voice really appeals to me (it makes him sad, he said "but you'll no longer have your witches cackle!" and I offered to record it for him. I don't think he fully understands how much I actually dislike my voice) the idea of proper non patchy body hair sounds like fun, bottom growth is super exciting and all that good stuff.
I LIKE the idea, I daydream about it.
But it scares him.
I know it does. But I also know he feels he can't say "i'd rather you didn't do this" and I feel cruel for trapping him in that situation where he feels he has no say.
I feel guilty and I don't know how to handle it.
things ARE going to go slow regardless because the NHS is soooooo slooooooow, but I would like him to be on my side and adjust to the correct pronouns, just as a sign that he's accepting the idea and he's rolling with it.
Until he does that I don't really feel like he means it when he says he's okay.
but how do I gently remind him without making him feel uncomfortable?
It's going to take a lot of adjustment for both of us for sure, and I keep having to catch myself when i'm excitedly telling him about something to do with the whole transition thing and remember that he's not quite so excited.
This is so hard. I'm so scared of losing him or worse, trapping him in a marriage that he's unhappy in but feels he can't leave for fear of being "the bad guy".
The last thing I want is for him to resent me.
But damnit, I really wish he'd call me his Husband.
I don't care that it's an "ugly word" (supposedly), I WANT to be called that.
Eugh.
I don't know what to do.
Relax. Take it slow. Talk. Believe him unless he gives you a reason not to.
Your husband says he is supportive. Take that at face value. It is such a precious thing to have a spouse that is even a bit supportive. Don't try to second guess him.
Discuss how things are going regularly. If his support for you wavers, trust him to let you know.
The use of pronouns and the word "husband" will take time. Strangers will get it sooner than those close to you. The closer the relationship, the harder it is to change habitual patterns. You know who is the worst offender at misgendering me? Me!! So by all means let him know your preference, but go easy on him. My wife seldom makes mistakes, but when she does, she gets a free pass: I know it is not intentional.
Hang in there. When someone in a family transitions, everybody transitions. Keep talking.
thanks Kathy. I'm so conflict averse that actually talking about things makes me super anxious.
I grew up in such a chaotic household with a super argumentative mother and a father who enjoyed driving my mother to a point where she lost control. He loved nothing more than for her to lose her cool and hurl things at him, it meant he "won" the argument.
They were utterly toxic the two of them, but that environment growing up has left me seriously messed up and unable to deal with conflict or debate in any real form.
That coupled with fear of pushing too hard makes saying the words "i'd like to be referred to as husband" hard. I mean I did, once, and he immediately replied "I don't like that word, it's a harsh word, it's ugly" yet he'd never previously complained about me calling HIM that. So I find it pretty wierd.
I did suggest alternatives, but I don't think it's really stuck.
He's in denial mode I guess. I have to give him time.
I suppose I just.. rather niavely thought he'd be able to at least try to adjust and we'd try out pronouns, see how it felt.
Maybe he'll find it easier when i'm more masculine looking? I don't know.
It's frustrating because ultimately pronouns don't really matter much to me, except with people who's validation I sort of... want.. need?
I don't care if a stranger misgenders me, they aren't important, but for a person who knows and loves me it means a lot to get it right, to at least try and right now I don't feel like he's even considered trying.
Briefly he was pausing and opting for neutral terms but he seems to have even abandoned that now and I don't really know why.
i know he's uncomfortable and I feel so guilty about it. Silly as it may be, I feel selfish. Like I shouldn't be doing this.
I'm so scared of losing him, i'm genuinely terrified.
Thank you for sharing your fascinating and resonant situation. I am impressed with you two as a couple and share a long time preference and reality of being in and preferring a "massively not straight" relationship. Androgyny is super appealing and I wager you two have a better chance than most of working this out.
Your understanding and sensitive dealing with the fragility of some too typical masculine concepts bodes well for you too.
While the NHS takes their time you seem well equipped to articulate your concerns and address this gradually. As Kathy notes even his desire to be supportive is precious while your love for him and thoughtful nature read clear as a bell.
A cliche for sure but yes it does take time to adjust and your relationship sounds way worthy of the effort.
Sounds a lot like my situation in reverse. I know my wife would rather not call me her wife and I'm not a husband so of course I don't want that. I suggested spouse as an alternative.
It's hard to go slow. I know I couldn't after suppressing it for so many years and I know that has been hard on her.
She is definitely binary cis het so has a fear that I'll want someone else, men particularly, though I've never been, or given any indication that I am, interested in men.
My wanting to transition wasn't totally out of the blue but I'm sure it seemed that way to her. She knew I crossdressed, but I really never let on to her (and denied it to myself) that there was more to it.
I don't really have any other advice other than talk to him. That's one thing I didn't do well. I was afraid of her reaction so was often kind of vague about and/or she misunderstood my intentions in regards to what I was doing for my transition.
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Pick your battles with care. Remember that most relationships don't survive transition, specifically because of the added stress.