totally being the woman inside letting down guards and embracing and changing who you are
Quote from: noitsbecky on April 21, 2019, 06:46:14 PM
totally being the woman inside letting down guards and embracing and changing who you are
I would walk through fire if necessary.
There was a time when I was kind of afraid, I wanted to suppress my femininity in any way I could, I wanted to blend in as a man, that didn't really work out. I'm not afraid anymore but still have some control when I have to go to work for example, other times I try to enjoy femininity.
Nowadays when I totally let down my guard and let go of the control and start feeling really good, I usually start crying after some time because I get this feeling that that's the real me and that's so far away from how I feel on an average day, it's maddening.
I 'discovered' myself Oct 2017. I spent my life hiding anything to do with her. After I knew I welcomed her. Still .. YES .. I have trouble embracing my femininity, not for me though. For others that I still fear will abandon me.
FEAR
It still haunts me
Quote from: Lynne on April 21, 2019, 07:40:02 PM
There was a time when I was kind of afraid, I wanted to suppress my femininity in any way I could, I wanted to blend in as a man, that didn't really work out. I'm not afraid anymore but still have some control when I have to go to work for example, other times I try to enjoy femininity.
Nowadays when I totally let down my guard and let go of the control and start feeling really good, I usually start crying after some time because I get this feeling that that's the real me and that's so far away from how I feel on an average day, it's maddening.
I was never afraid, but I did suppress her for societal & family expectations. When I realized my coping mechanisms were killing me; literally, I decided I needed to take my soul back, and free her.
I do fear hurting others. So I'm going slow, very slow.
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Quote from: Faith on April 21, 2019, 08:08:17 PM
I 'discovered' myself Oct 2017. I spent my life hiding anything to do with her. After I knew I welcomed her. Still .. YES .. I have trouble embracing my femininity, not for me though. For others that I still fear will abandon me.
FEAR
It still haunts me
In a few words you are a trapped woman in the closet.
One time that really stands out for me fearing the woman inside me, was when I went to a movie with friends back in 1983 and the move was "Tootsie". Seeing this movie triggered a intense internal conflict, it was very hard to watch, so I left the movie in the middle upset that night and asked my then girlfriend to marry me, she said yes. In hindsight this was me running from myself, I thought wrongly at that time that I could try and live a "straight life" as a male.
Another time when I truly feared my inner woman was when I reach 50'ish and realized she is unrelenting, and she is not going away, only getting stronger. It was then I turned and embraced her and sought help with a therapist, never looked back after that. I totally embrace the woman I am today and my femininity is simply part of me.
Yippy Skippy, I'm liberated
C -
Being feminine was always pleasant, but real life blocked that enjoyment until a few years ago. Your true self being stopped by society, I'm sure no one around here has had that happen. Three years ago, I got off that road. Now femininity is what I thrive on. I am not traditionally feminine in many ways, for example, I'm not big on jewelry. I do it my way. I now get very uncomfortable in any situation that might require me in a male role. I just can't do it. The one hold out is my voice. I don't yet trust allowing my feminine voice to come out of me. It makes me uncomfortable having this holdout.
Quote from: Faith on April 21, 2019, 08:08:17 PM
I 'discovered' myself Oct 2017. I spent my life hiding anything to do with her. After I knew I welcomed her. Still .. YES .. I have trouble embracing my femininity, not for me though. For others that I still fear will abandon me.
FEAR
It still haunts me
Faith, I know what it's like to be gobsmacked by the fact that you're trans later in life.
If you ever want to talk, please feel free to PM me.
The following is kind of whimsical, and kind of serious. It's good advice, despite the dubious source. It's from Frank Herbert's novel,
Dune.
QuoteI must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Quote from: Ann W on April 22, 2019, 12:09:07 AM
Faith, I know what it's like to be gobsmacked by the fact that you're trans later in life.
If you ever want to talk, please feel free to PM me.
The following is kind of whimsical, and kind of serious. It's good advice, despite the dubious source. It's from Frank Herbert's novel, Dune.
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
I remember that passage- brilliant quote !
I too was gobsmacked at age 46 in 2015.
I always new I had a woman inside me but I could always overcome her. In 2015 she became too strong and started hounding me for attention. Strangely black market HRT & dressing was happening without my sanction until a trans friend asked me some pointed questions - along the lines of why are you taking estrogen ? Why are you doing this and why are you doing that.?
I surprised myself by blurting out," I want to be a woman. "
That night a ton of bricks followed by a grand piano fell on top of me. The inner woman had me on my knees and I was terrified. A psychiatrist and a psychologist & prescription HRT followed shortly afterwards.
Yes fear and feeling out of control was huge. I was being consumed -until the inner woman and I had a talk and came to a truce & an agreement.
Very soon I will leave work & go home & I will BE HER.
I was only afraid of my femininity when I was trying to live as a guy, and failing miserably.
I was afraid that being feminine meant that I was gay. It led to some experimentation and disastrous choices. I am not gay it turns out. It took a couple decades for me to really understand that sexual orientation is not the same as gender identity. Somehow I spent most my life totally confused and hurting because I could not u derstand why things were not working out or they just didn't feel right for me. Now I know and that fear is gone.
Best wishes!
Bea
I feel being afraid of femininity is a common aspect of Dysphoria. My views on Dysphoria is that it is very much a social construct.
Being raised as a boy, growing into manhood you were given certain expectations from media and those around you. Even if you know who you are, it can be difficult to express it without feeling even a tinge of fear or embarrassment of making yourself seem like a fool. Knowing that you might draw the gaze of others, knowing that some people will say mean things even if not to your face. It doesn't help at all. But it will happen, especially early on. Might happen always. There is some solace in that even non-trans individuals have to deal with similar forms of judgement and mean spirits on a daily basis. You're not alone~ there are millions out there suffering with similar fears even if they aren't trans related.
It is very normal, some people are just able to come out of their shells easier then others but once the shell cracks and you realize the opinions of others don't matter it is a truly therapeutic feeling. Being able to be yourself without the guilt, or fear. (But doesn't change the pain that can be caused by others being mean spirited, but that is the human experience in a nutshell; dealing with idiots)
Another thing to understand is that femininity comes in many different flavors, nothing is stopping you from expressing your personality as a tomboy or even butch. If that is what you feel more comfortable with as a human being then that is who you are. I will personally NEVER be extremely feminine a person because that is just not who I am. (I feel that a lot of people in the transgender community like to pigeonhole what being a woman should be like. It is sort of a way for them to feel good about themselves but in the end undermines the individualistic nature of transition. This is something I've seen in rl in the early days of my transition.)
Oh thank you for posting this thread! It has been encouraging to me to read how others are handling this. I am looking forward to seeing more contributions to this thread. I am still afraid outwardly of my femininity, but finally inwardly I have accepted who I am. I know that I am Marsha.
Back when I was a kid, boys were expected to be rough, tough and masculine. If you weren't, you'd be called a "sissy". Some fathers found it necessary to toughen up their sissy sons. So, it was something I kept hidden for many, many years.
The litany for fear is indeed worthy! Dune is favourite of mine too.(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190422/10f0e30e423568d9c623e2a79dba5d03.jpg)
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Quote from: Astxl on April 21, 2019, 09:22:42 PM
In a few words you are a trapped woman in the closet.
Not trapped, the door is open. I am out 24/7 everyone that matters knows and a lot who don't matter. I do express a lot .. to the point of being told, "You're such a girl" in fun for the way that I respond to some things.
No, this is deeper. There is more to her yet fear keeps her from stepping completely through the door. Despite how much I know, how much I admit, and how far I've come, I believe self-acceptance is still the biggest hurdle for me.
It can be hard to reject society's gender identity programming. Even harder when you go "off script" and interacting with society can be... awkward. Giving up "male privilege" (and I hate that term) is a thing too.
Physical changes can be startling too. Feminization in the abstract is one thing, seeing boobs form etc. esp. when they don't match your (pop cultural) expectation ("wait, I'm supposed to be a sexy princess not a grandma!"). Seeing physical change in yourself I think sets off something in our "lizard brains". It triggers second thoughts and doubt.
The above are what I think cause a lot of people to quit transition or delay it for years and years. Not to mention the mental health problems that plague transfolk and the non-binary.
When I was pretending to be a man, I was afraid of letting my femininity show. And when I was contemplating transition, I was afraid of the upheaval it would cause in my life.
But never, at any time, have I been afraid of my femininity. It is who I am, the real me.
This is a good thread that has brought out sad memories and tears.
I didn't have any idea of gender or sexual incongruities until a little over four years ago. Before then, I enjoyed various forms of feminine expression through dance, music, readings, softness perhaps. But never seeing these as feminine. I was a martial arts instructor for almost ten years. Many days I would go to the dojo early or stay late, lights off and just dance alone on the mats, free form and from my current minds eye, just as the woman I am now would love to do. Then I just did it and enjoyed the expression without gender. I also remember being young and my father trying to toughen his "son". I don't recall the sissy term but he did things that in today's system would have him in jail for a long time. His actions were painful enough that I never ever considered pursuing anything feminine intentionally...but sometimes they would just leak out and offered brief views of happiness.
Now, get out of my way, I am very binary polar feminine and this sweet woman is not planning on ever letting go of that freedom!
Tia Anne
This question quite puzzles me. It implies being feminine is a deliberate act, performance you choose to act on when you wish. Not saying that is wrong or anything. But it does imply it's a button you can switch on and off when you would like. That's not my experience at all.
My experience is that everyone outside myself perceived me as feminine no matter what I did, or no matter how quiet I was. It was my energy, the way I talked, moved, sounded, behaved, and yes probably some stereotypical likes/dislikes but even regarding those, if people did not know them, they would still perceive me as feminine if relying only on my appearance and how I acted.
So, no, I can't say I'm afraid of being feminine. I was more afraid of the consequences of being perceived as such, which it did have many, prior to transitioning, at age 18.
Quote from: Aurorasky on April 22, 2019, 05:29:52 PM
This question quite puzzles me. It implies being feminine is a deliberate act, performance you choose to act on when you wish. Not saying that is wrong or anything. But it does imply it's a button you can switch on and off when you would like. That's not my experience at all.
It's not that simple. Many of us were actively encouraged to suppress who we were, so much so that we didn't know who we were until much later in life.
It isn't easy. I was in my thirties before I could function acceptably in society. I spent my early years struggling with gender dysphoria that was so deeply buried that I didn't know what it was. When you've spent decades forcing yourself into a man-suit, and then the lights come on, all those habits of thought and action don't simply vanish. They hang around and cause trouble. Under those circumstances, it takes femininity time to fully flower.
When I first came out to myself, there were aspects of my femininity that began to express themselves immediately; and it was glorious. But others have taken time to emerge. As I say, it takes a long time to clear away the man-crap. The same impulse that finally broke awareness out of its male prison will eventually prove victorious over all aspects of the personality; but it takes time. It's not a matter of turning it on; it's a matter of setting it free, a little bit at a time.
It's scary for a woman who's been masquerading as a man to start acting like herself. The same threats that prevented her from being who she was in the first place are still there, and have been reinforced over the years.
If there are consistent themes to these many pages, posts and threads one biggie is facing our fears. My fears have been so deep and so well reinforced as to have seemingly paralyzed my ability to think or act in defiance of them. Yes, we could write essays chronicling our fears but to what end?
Yes we do and will know fear. Yes, the promise of relief and release is real. Especially if we can see that fear itself is the enemy within. We act. We stand up for our dreams and the truth of who we are.
I still remember a gentleman pulling me aside in a mall anchor store and explaining that I wasn't suppose to be enjoying the experience of shopping! He explained how I was suppose do it!!! (over 3 decades ago)
I'm sure that VS appreciates that I'm into retail therapy. They have really good sales on holidays like Easter. ;D