I was asked to post this as a separate thread:
Again I wrote something for me and I felt the need to share. I wrote this for others in my life. I hope you find it is useful:
The Pain
The pain of being transgender is almost indescribable.
The loneliness, the sadness, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the fear of discovery, the absolute human anguish, all trapped inside your head... and no one in your life has a clue.
It gets compounded by the lack of sympathy, compassion, understanding and comfort from others, the fear of anyone knowing, the fear of being seen as a freak, the fear of rejection.
It has been part of you for years, for decades. It is lived every day, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, minute by painful minute.
You started to learn how to hide your secret from when you were only child. You felt the "natural you" and you tried to simply live it. You were told it was wrong and you were regularly corrected. Everyone and everything around you told you what you should be. You were confused but you learned.
You learned that your feelings and sense of self were wrong. You learned to hide those feelings, those thoughts. They were bad. As a child what did you know? Mom, Dad, the older kids, they all knew better. You learned from them.
Your skill grew with time and experience. Everyone around you drove you to improve your skill in hiding. They were not allowed to know your secret because you learned quickly that they hated what you were hiding.
They were the enemy. They proved it time and time again. They were your parents, friends, family, spouses and children. They were the media, religious and political groups and society around you, on a global scale. You had a "disease" that no one wanted to understand and everyone seemed to hate.
You let no one in.
You were perpetually behind enemy lines.
Over time you became so skilled that hiding became second nature. You learned to cover your emotional tracks. No one saw you or knew you were there. They saw what you wanted them to see, knowing at all times they would never accept you.
You hid to prevent being an outcast. You wanted to just be accepted so you became what they wanted.
You found safe ways to take care of your inner self but even then, you were mean and cruel to yourself. You rejected what you saw. You saw your own disgust reflected in the mirror every time you looked.
You hated being you.
On and on this goes on for years. On and on you build a wall that excludes a part of your heart, a part of your soul.
It is exhausting, draining, soul crushing.
The exhaustion grows. You start to lose the strength you thought you could carry to the grave.
You just can't do it anymore.
The strain and the pain become enormous. You try to find a solution, a way to escape the growing pain that comes with the emotional fatigue.
As you heroically try to keep up the wall in your emotional realities, you begin to realize that you can't. You see your failure coming... and you are all alone in your crowded life.
You finally come to the point of a life altering moment offering two choices.
But you reject both.
You continue to desperately struggle and push back again, again and again. You refuse to accept but you feel the deep, deep agony driving you forward to the choice:
Either open up you heart and soul to the world and accept what will come or die.
I would rather open up my heart and soul.
The world will have to accept.
A massive, tearful hug,
Emma
Wow, very powerful. I would not/ could not suggest anything I would change with regards to how that describes my life. Thank you so much for sharing.
Bea
I'm a late bloomer, and perhaps that influences my perspective. I have described my journey many times on these forums as a tremendous learning experience, not one of suffering. It goes to show how different we all are, and how beautiful that diversity is.
Hugs, Devlyn
So eloquent! So painfully accurate!
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That was an amazingly accurate portrayal of my life until I too had to choose between transition and death. It just amazes me how similar the stories always seem to be. My compliments to the author.
All too familiar. :(
That soul-corroding pain persisted until I reached a breaking point. I tried to end myself, but at the last minute, called a hotline instead, and got the fastest mental health appointment I have ever heard of with my HMO.
I came out, and entered therapy within days, and went through the most difficult few months of my life, beyond anything I could have imagined. I lost much, but I gained my life, my well-being, and since then, living as my authentic self, I have been the happiest I have ever been in my adult life.
We walk through darkness and fire, to emerge as our authentic selves. Our path may be difficult, but there is the promise of joy when all is done.
Thank you Emma. Powerfully written!
Like Devlyn I am a late bloomer, starting awareness somewhere in my 50's, although as a child I learned to hide some "sissy" behaviors. I feel like I have gone through what Emma describes in a condensed and increasingly intense sequence. I'm not settled yet, but am feeling better.
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Emma:
Thanks for posting!
That description is so me. From my earliest memories I felt wrong. But I could never has described my pain as eloquently as you have described it.
Crying now, but needed to.
Thank You!!!!
Kate
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I'm sorry many of you feel sorrow, hurt, and pain from this life.
Sounds like the OP's words can be boiled down to 2 words:
--> Dysphoria sucks <--
On the bright side, pics of dogs with dentures exist in this world.
(https://cdn0.wideopenpets.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/dentures-pandora-four.jpg)
Wonderful description of a trans life.
I chose to live, many times. Now I no longer need to make the choice :) .
Quote from: Emma1017 on May 08, 2019, 10:53:18 AM
You hated being you.
On and on this goes on for years. On and on you build a wall that excludes a part of your heart, a part of your soul.
It is exhausting, draining, soul crushing.
The exhaustion grows. You start to lose the strength you thought you could carry to the grave.
You just can't do it anymore.
Emma
Well written Emma, as we have discussed before, you are now paying it forward even though your journey is far from over. Thank you for sharing.
As for the excerpt above, we all have similarities and differences in this journey, for some it is crushingly painful, others a liberation and for most a mixture of both.
I consider my path a combination of pain and enlightenment. I stayed in the closet far too long, the weight of everything I was taught ( as Emma described) created the fear of coming out as the real me.
Eventually the exhaustion was too much and I found the strength to transition. I have learned much through transitioning not just about myself but in developing a greater empathy for every person that feels 'less than' or is judged for who the world perceives them to be.
I will never fully find my peace. If I had started sooner I could have done more physically to alter my body and that is still something that I struggle with accepting. However I have found some degree of peace because I am no longer carrying this secret. Everyone now knows the real me.
This journey for me has been both a blessing and a curse. I guess that is the nature of life.
Wow.
For myself its not the pain of being transgender as much of the mystery of it. What is the cause of these feeling of being a woman at this time of life, being a late bloomer at 65 years old. Plus the questions you ask yourself.
This should ideally be pinned somewhere, at the top maybe for all to see.
So powerful, so emotionally put. Thankyou for sharing. x
It is such a mix of emotions. Pain, for sure, but joy as well. I recall last year when I was experimenting with going out in public dressed. Not at all passable, just a giant non-binary person, and that's fine. I had shopped for some ballet flats and found a pair at Kohls, working up the nerve to try them on to make sure they fit, which was difficult for me at the time. I put them on in the car and was driving home in them and I had to stop and pump some gas. Stepping out of the car, in public, wearing such clearly feminine shoes, was one of the most intense highs I have ever experienced. My spirit just went soaring off into the sky. It is amazing how good water tastes when you're dying of thirst.
Quote from: randim on May 09, 2019, 09:18:39 AM
It is such a mix of emotions. Pain, for sure, but joy as well. I recall last year when I was experimenting with going out in public dressed. Not at all passable, just a giant non-binary person, and that's fine. I had shopped for some ballet flats and found a pair at Kohls, working up the nerve to try them on to make sure they fit, which was difficult for me at the time. I put them on in the car and was driving home in them and I had to stop and pump some gas. Stepping out of the car, in public, wearing such clearly feminine shoes, was one of the most intense highs I have ever experienced. My spirit just went soaring off into the sky. It is amazing how good water tastes when you're dying of thirst.
Those early experiences are both terrifying and exhilarating. For those that are there and those that are approaching it changes eventually. The heart pounding subsides but a peace replaces it. Every once in awhile I catch myself and smile, I used to be so afraid of anyone seeing me with any hint of feminine attire, makeup - pretty much anything.
Now I parade around like that all the time. It is my life. Thinking about how I used to feel is amusing sometimes.
The fear fading is nice and sometimes a little surprising when I remember how it used to be.
I have something to say. I don't want to detract from your expression of how you have felt, Emma. Everything you say was true for me as well. Maybe my comment is for a different thread, if so, I'm sorry. My thought is that you told half the story. What do we do when we have these torturous feelings? On my way to work today, I started thinking back on some of the times of my life. I can do nothing about any of those bygone times. I do have time now. This is what I can control. I don't want my present or my future to be ruled by the mindset you so elequently described. I look around at the world these days and see so many times, the people with bad intent being the boldest. The forces that are out there to hurt others are doing so very unapologetically. I have friends and see people on Susan's who are treated disrespectfully. People in power are hurting others and they are smugly proud of it. It makes me sad and it makes me angry. It seems that so many well intentioned folks are not standing up. They bend over backwards to try to be good, to be socially acceptable. There is a timidity maybe brought on by lack of confidence or maybe just trying to be a rule follower. I think it is becoming time for anyone who is being treated badly or disrespectfully, who has been shamed for not fitting in, who has apologized in their own head for being different to start getting good and damn mad. It is time to stand up to bullies and to stand up to oppressors even the ones in our own heads. We sit here on this site defending other trans people. Why is it that defense doesn't extend to ourselves? We need to say enough is enough to the emotions you described. We need to stand up as good people who deserve to live as our genuine selves. God, we have to stop letting the controllable parts of our lives stop being ruled by fear and oppression. It's the only way things get better.
Pretty much.
After living out of the closet and transitioning for 4 years now it's amazing how much of all that is becoming sealed away in the past.
Amen Sister Moni !!!! :)
This site is apolitical for the most part other than maybe the current events section so I will tread lightly. If as a transgender person you are not mad about what you see in the news then you are not paying attention. But more so I mention frequently that I have been enlightened during this journey about other marginalized groups. The current phrase is being 'woke'. Well I have been.
To feel good about ourselves we have to know what is right and what is wrong. As MLK said, 'judge a man by not by the color of his skin but by the content his character'. (admittedly paraphrased ) but the same holds true for who we are as people.
Who we love, how we identify and our character as people. The one thing I believe that I bring to this forum is a solid foundation in the belief that we must reject all of the crap that has seeped into our consciousness. In our mind, heart and soul we know who we are and we are transgender.
That is nothing to be embarrassed about or feel shame or any other word you want to use to describe it.
The pride comes not from being transgender - that is simply who we are. Rather the pride comes from finding the courage to say..... THIS IS WHO I AM AND I WILL NOT HIDE ANYMORE.
Wowsers, so accurate. I've been in so deep I still don't know who I am or how to find me.
Quote from: Ⓥ on May 08, 2019, 06:54:19 PM
I'm sorry many of you feel sorrow, hurt, and pain from this life.
Growth often starts from dissatisfaction, sorrow, hurt, and pain.
Those of us early in the transition process, if you're like me, had/have to go through the process of grieving what we sacrificed and lost. For a healthy human, the grieving process will finish. We usually go on with our lives and live happily.
I know my personal thread has been pretty dark lately. Yet I feel I'm getting to the end of my grieving. I'm stepping out more and more each day. For example, tomorrow (later today) I'm getting my hair done. This is a first for me.
Don't feel sorry for us who have to grieve what we've lost, as part of the process of growing and moving on. Feel sorry for those stuck in confusion, denial, and the feeling of imprisonment. They don't know there is hope.
Kate
Moni:
I love you sister, and yes Emma told only the beginning hundreth of my story. Yet, it's still part of my life that I've got to get past.
As you and I have PMed I've been angry with the attempted marginization of myself/us. I've been incredibly frustrated at how we can turn on each other when we really need to rally around each other and team with each other. Yes it's time!
I live in nowhere Oklahoma. I recently sent letters to my senators and congressman asking for them to support the "Equality Act."
I tried to educate them that this is not a lifestyle choice for me, but a choice to live. The 1 response I got back was all about bathrooms. How petty! We'll I'm now campaigning against him for 2020.
I agree with you 110%.
I'm just not completely through my grieving yet....
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I am not allowed to dress at home but I do have a couple allies one in Tacoma and one near Seattle and they have offered me the opportunity to come to their establishments and get ready for my meetings. It's people like these that give me hope that one day equality takes the place of piety and we can all just live and let live. Shout out to Nanci and Dr. Ben.
That's ME to a T.
Jessica.
Hi Emma,
Thanks so much for posting "The Pain" to its own thread. It really struck a chord with me but more than that, it's a perfect explanation for non-transgender people of what it's like. The suppression of self, the dysphoria, you captured it well.
Take care,
Paige 😊
The pain is all about keeping the secret. That pain was eased slightly when I found the courage to tell my wife. That was almost twenty years ago. Although she can't accept, it's still a relief because I finally voiced my true feelings. I've never been in public; the world head never met Norah, that's the pain for me.
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Norah the secret is only part. I agree with Paige that absolute suppression is another part plus as Kim has said, the self hate.
For me keeping the secret is what it is all about. That's where my pain is. It's easy to say, don't hide anymore but some of us do. Self acceptance is the first step and I reached that point about twenty years ago. I was 60 at that point. I told my wife at that time and I also agreed that there would not be any more steps. We all have different lives and different stories to tell.
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Norah, Wow, I'm speechless. You captured to a T what I've had to endure for so many years. :'(
Lisa
Though for me it was mostly apathy instead of pain, post is pretty accurate. But, thanks for those who already completed their path and those who support us we now have a lot of opportunities, and maybe someday we'll see the world where nobody have to hide.
Quote from: norahjoy on May 10, 2019, 01:29:44 PM
For me keeping the secret is what it is all about. That's where my pain is. It's easy to say, don't hide anymore but some of us do. Self acceptance is the first step and I reached that point about twenty years ago. I was 60 at that point. I told my wife at that time and I also agreed that there would not be any more steps. We all have different lives and different stories to tell.
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Norah, This is a choice we all must make for ourselves, particularly those with a spouse it is even more complex.
That said and acknowledged, I must disagree with the part I highlighted above.
It's easy to say, don't hide anymore but some of us do.No it is not EASY to say and certainly not easy to do. I and others have lived it. It scared the crap out of me.
I am someone that cares far too much what other people think. Coming out was the hardest thing I ever did.
I have had heart attacks, a cancerous kidney removed, 2 severely autistic children and I could keep going.
Transitioning was the hardest thing in my life. So saying that it is easy to say is not fair. Sorry if I sound mad but to be honest I am. Nothing I won't get over. We are still friends but no it is not easy.
That is why I am on this site. To help those that are hiding try to combat the fear so they can stop hiding.
For those that choose to continue to hide that is their choice and I mean that sincerely. We all choose our path in life.
But it is that a CHOICE. We make our choices and have to live with them.
I support your choice. If it ever changes then I will support that choice too.
I kind of feel the need to clarify what I posted yesterday on this thread. It was never in my head to minimize the pain that early stagers (or closeted folks) are possibly going through. Turning that pain of being trans and hiding into progress is incredibly difficult. (Progress being anything from self-acceptance to any type of visible transition.) I really am respectful of anyone's journey and the things that they feel they must do. My urging of using the crap we have put up with from the world was simply trying to make a negative work for us. Getting angry at injustice can be a powerful motivation. I just want it clear that it was not a criticism of trans people's actions. I think it only does our self image good to get pissed at how wrongly we can be treated. Battle the shame of the past with pride and a bit of righteous indignation. Kick ass trans people! Don't let the jerks get us to defeat ourselves. That's all.
I will also clarify my post above. For those that choose not to transition that is a choice. It is not a good choice or a bad choice. What it is is THEIR choice.
We must all weigh all of the choices in our lives. To learn a trade, go to college, be an artist, live on the beach, whatever. Life is a series of choices. I have made many I regret.
If someone that identifies as transgender chooses to not transition for whatever reason, spouse or career or acceptance of their friends, whatever motivates them that is up to them. They are not right or wrong.
I do think there are ramifications of that choice. If living in hiding makes you an unhappy person chances are good that you will make your spouse unhappy. As for yourself, if living as something other than what you are makes you unhappy well then that is probably not the best choice. If your career is more important then so be it.
What I believe and preach is that it is difficult to be happy when you are hiding. Also you can not make a spouse happy if you are unhappy yourself. Also a spouse that truly loves you would not want you to be unhappy.
How you choose to live is up to you but letting fear dictate your choice is a path to unhappiness. My goal is to help others overcome that fear as others helped me do the same.
As I said in my response to Norah, it is not EASY to say 'don't hide' it is hard to say because it is based on hard earned experience. So no it is not EASY. In the end live as you see fit and I wish everyone peace.