« on: June 23, 2020, 08:16:32 pm »
I had to put my life on 'hold' for about three years while I transitioned -- HRT, going full-time, surgeries, recovery, but now my life is back to normal.
I may have lost a few acquaintances along the way, along with one sister-in-law, but everything else is pretty much the same. I have the same job, same family, same friends -- actually even more friends now. My relationship with my wife and daughters is much better than it was pre-transition. My wardrobe is significantly different, and I have jewelry!
I am occasionally reminded of my past by spam email or snail mail which still has my dead name, but other than that my life hasn't changed much -- except now I am the person I always wanted to be. The part of my soul that I had to hide for decades was released from the darkness, and now she is enjoying her freedom. The biggest change, other than my body -- I can smile now. It wasn't easy, but even knowing what I know now, it was and is the right path for me.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
We'll all likely take your experiences as a success. You've done well, congrats. Especially helpful is a supportive family. Did your wife always support you?
Quote from: damalie on January 04, 2024, 09:10:05 AMWe'll all likely take your experiences as a success. You've done well, congrats. Especially helpful is a supportive family. Did your wife always support you?
Not initially. She was really upset with me, and there were many days when we barely spoke to each other. We slept in different bedrooms for a long time. After many months, she began to realize that I was becoming a better person, and our relationship began to heal. Now, she says there is only one thing she really misses.
I often asked her why she stayed with me, and her reply is 'because I love you.'
Love always -- Jessica Rose
I love that answer! Awwww!
I really can't see the edge of the future where we can answer the question, "Does life ever return to normal...?" Perhaps better observation might be, "Have I achieved a new normal?" At least it is so for me.
As for your continued relationship with your partner. There are parallels in a facet or two, probably with many of us here, probably not limited to my own life. I will say though, I don't think I could have made it past the separate bedrooms stage. It would break my heart and hers. We still sleep together. My wife still loves me, I believe. We've been together 27 years. Yet I try not to stretch her tolerance too far, since we are still a working team, helping our progeny deal with a complicated enough life. I so respect your ability to risk all to achieve the end state, your new normal.
In my case our relations are subject to subtle changes that accommodate my changing figure and emotional fluidity. I'm betting your relationship has changed and matured too. The occasional "male fail" changed our intimacy, changed I think for the better. Outwardly, we are still very much a couple too. We still hold hands and stay close to each other. I think "Because I love you," is still valid. I'm able to be stronger with her support. My children seem to understand, all of us supporting the others. Just like it should be.
Your courage, like Devlyn, Danielle, Rachel, and so many more helps those of us with less courage vicariously.
Thanks for sharing. Enjoy your return to normal.
Thanks, D'Amalie! By the way, I love your avatar.
There were many times I thought our marriage was over, many days when I had no idea if Susan would be there when I returned home. I still don't fully understand why she stayed, so her response is the only explanation I have.
My 'courage' was an act of desperation. The anger and rage which had built up inside me for so long had reached a breaking point, and it nearly became terminal. Transitioning was the only option I had which would keep me alive.
I think we all have slightly different definitions of 'normal'. In my case, it means not being on the brink of explosive rage all the time, and having a partner who isn't afraid of me anymore. Everything else is icing on the cake.
I'm very happy to hear that you have found a way to make it work, and I hope both of you enjoy a long life together.
Love always -- Jess
I cannot fathom the pain, anguish and misery that you went through Jessica_Rose and you are not the only one on Susan's that has beared their soul.
An elder here by the name of Norther Jane almost killed herself in trying to whether the onslaught.
Reading these stories breaks my heart and in doing so gives me a little solace, that I never had to go through what you have gone through.
As Courtney G mentioned in Do you ever wish you weren't trans? (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,246837.0.html) The longing and that longing alone was always with me, I wanted to be a female. I never transitioned per se. I changed my clothes, put some makeup on and went to work inside of 3 months. I suppose you could call that a transition. However, in actual fact, I was still me at the end of that 3 months. Each day since then, the contentment inside me knows no bounds.
I read stories on Susan's that make me laugh, feel sad, feel happy and cry and in doing so, I hope each story makes each and everyone of us a better person.
To answer the original question. "Everyday after 'transitioning' gets better and better"
Hugs all around
Sarah B
I guess I am pretty much through transition by now, and my life has found a new 'normal'. I so envy people like Jessica who have managed to keep their relationships alive, as losing my wife was the most significant and painful result of transition. I managed to keep my home in the divorce, which has helped keep me grounded, though it cost me much of my retirement savings, so my financial situation is significantly different.
So I am alone, and lonely. I have to be more careful with my finances, and the stress of transition and divorce has created significant health problems. These health challenges also forced me to retire earlier than planned. But, I can get around without fear of harassment, I am comfortable in my living conditions, and I can pay my bills. I struggle to make new friends, as I guess I am not completely comfortable with my new role, and I am sick of explaining myself to people.
So, life goes by day after day, pay bills, go shopping, clean my house, all pretty normal, but not as good as my old normal....
Hugs,
Allie
In answer to the question, "Does life ever return to normal after transitioning?", I suppose it depends on the individual. Often, time is the greatest healer. For me, the more time that goes by, the less I think about it, until eventually, it becomes to new norm. We will always have memories of the past, but they eventually blend into life just like all other memories from our past. I believe they certainly strengthen our character.
Hugs!
Donica
I am living a new "normal". I am living the normal life of a 70 year old retired single woman.
Ellen
I also talk of the new norm, life goes on. It definitely not easy to transition and what does transition mean? Socially? Medically? Surgery? At what point do you stop. Why do you stop? The new norm is where you end up when you either stop or pause.
I have for years now tread that new norm as a tightrope walker. Transitioning as I must, while attempting to keep my marriage. I could walk away from it and she can still walk away from me, it would be another new norm and I my loses would be minimal, but we have been together for a long time and I feel that I will not be the one that does the breakup.
It has been touch and go, separation for a month last year showed we both can live a separate life if we have to. Financially for me would not change, for her it would be big. So here I am the new norm, my transition as far as it can go with only surgery awaiting the ability to fund it and the compromises i do at home and I am surviving.
Hugs
Jessica xxx
Well its coming up to 7 years of my "new" normal, I do the same things I always did but have found new things to do. Much better on my own TBH.
Quote from: EllenW on January 11, 2024, 07:01:42 PMI am living a new "normal". I am living the normal life of a 70 year old retired single woman.
Ellen
So true, I suppose it's a different ''normal'' than before transition, I'm now living a normal life of a approaching middle age married woman, the normality of it all, sometimes too normal, life as a married woman can be little mundane and very ordinary with routine grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning etc I've a wonderful supportive husband and great guy but I'm now basically a housewife, he does all the guy stuff, I do the wife stuff, life is just very normal and ordinary.
I am not done with transitioning, at least, I do not believe so. It is a much better situation for me now as I transition. Yes there continues to be some uncomfortable moments.
Chrissy
I can answer for myself and say 'yes'..
I was a forty something, married man with kids and a job - I am now a 50 something, married woman with kids and a job.. I added a 'wo' in 10 years..
Transition was always going to be a temporary state of affairs for me - I had no desire to linger in the hinterland of unstatefulness - Therefore within the first month I had done all the legals - name, passport, drivers licence and birth certificate. Started all new bank accounts (so no transferal of credit history) and moved.
This is the moral though - I was miserable then, I am happy now. Make your happy... its the best advice anyone can give. It is no-one's elses responsibility to 'make' you happy, you make your happy. You live your best life - grumbling about it won't change anything.
I never had a pre normal, i have been more years post op than pre and on hormones most of my adult life, pre normal i did try to remove body parts and eventually ended up under psychiatric care, my interest have always been around theatre and arts, starting life in classical ballet then eventually moving over to theatre lighting and sound, a twist of fate many years later was when i met my second partner Dennis he was heavily involved in the music industry
Less than two years ago, I came out with a bang. I took a picture of myself wearing my prettiest dress and an auburn wig. I sent the pic to my daughter first and tried to explain the term genderfluid to her as best I could. Then, I sent it to everyone. For a little while, I thought 'wow,' I can finally be me. But for the past year or so little acts of cowardice make me realize how far I still have to travel. For example, my daughter doesn't say anything when she sees me in a dress; she merely rolls her eyes. So, I tend not cross dress when she's around. My three supportive sisters have a theory: I'm not really genderfluid, I'm merely empathetic to the trans and queer communities. So, instead of arguing, instead of asserting an authentic self, I tell them they may have a point. I hate these acts of cowardice. But I no longer hate me.
Self non-acceptance or hate is something many who transition experience.
Being transgender is against many societies' norms. These norms are not necessarily controlled by laws but by people's attitudes and beliefs in that society (or both.)
Life is not easy at times when you transition. Many may not accept you.
Many can be accepting though!
Chrissy
Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on March 30, 2025, 10:59:25 AMBut for the past year or so little acts of cowardice make me realize how far I still have to travel. For example, my daughter doesn't say anything when she sees me in a dress; she merely rolls her eyes. So, I tend not cross dress when she's around. My three supportive sisters have a theory: I'm not really genderfluid, I'm merely empathetic to the trans and queer communities. So, instead of arguing, instead of asserting an authentic self, I tell them they may have a point. I hate these acts of cowardice. But I no longer hate me.
This experience resonates with me. One of the things I can't help noticing is even when people are promoting tolerance, when they're faced with non-normativity, they fall back on the very behaviours they're deprecating in others. It used to make me cross, now I'm more understanding of it, because they're only doing what I was doing to myself years ago.
Hey, look on the bright side, at least your daughter only eye-rolls when she sees you in a dress, so chances are once she's used to this being who her dad is, she'll be more likely than most to come around in time. A lot of these reactions in family are there because people have no idea how to behave toward someone dressed in the 'wrong' clothes. I sometimes point out that men had to get used to women wearing masculine clothing starting close to a hundred years ago, so what's the issue if we follow their example?
It's tough knowing what the right thing is to do with a situation like your daughter and how far you should encourage her to accept you in a dress. If it helps, something I once said, with massive effect, was, 'Since I don't think you'll happier knowing I'm pretending not to be who I am, how can I dress to meet you halfway and make this easier for both of us, because I love you no less than I ever did?' That got it on the table and cut through the denial enough for her attitude to sort in half a year. Early on though, there were quite some overtones of her being the victim in this because I was making her feel uncomfortable. To which my reply was, 'I'm with that, but doing it the other way around is making me feel uncomfortable, so maybe we'll both feel happier if we pitch halfway?'
Your sisters' theory made me smile. I'm a class act as a man and people can't believe, absolutely can't, that it's an illusion and nothing to do with how I am at my core. So I've had similar things proposed to me by people who are trying to reconcile the paradox in a way that makes me normative for them.
One time a friend said, 'How could you have deceived me all this time, what you're saying can't be right, you should have therapy!' to which I was, 'This is where therapy got me,' and they were, 'Then find a different therapist!' TL;DR it was all about coming up with versions of me that friend found acceptable and your sisters are most likely doing the same thing. I find it easy to understand why they do so, because they'll have had as long an experience of your class act as my family have had of mine.
It's tempting, easy and often practical to stage a tactical retreat now and again to land a strategic aim. That's not cowardice, more a good way of avoiding taking casualties and saving the main force, is it not?
I am not finished transitioning. I can pretty much be myself.
I do not go through TSA or rent a car presenting as female because my docs have not been changed.
I do work 98% of the time as myself. The other 2% is my choice and usually related to flying somewhere.
So, is this life returning to normal? Well maybe sorta. I am still improving my life over time. Obviously some experiences differ as a woman rather than as a man. I am basically a happy woman. I am grateful.
I do tend to be more observant of my surroundings all the time to be safer. Sometimes when people look me over (and over occasionally) I get uneasy. Most are likely harmless but I am careful to be protective. So is this normal? Maybe yes for many women.
I almost always feel safe but there are crazy things that go on in store parking lots even. Like I would never roll down my window if a stranger approaches me as I have read too many stories of people being robbed and hurt because of numerous ruses people use to take advantage of you. I would not hesitate to go back in the supermarket if, as I was leaving the store I thought there was a shady character in the parking lot, to try to get an escort to my car.
So, is this life returning to normal? Probably for the most part.
Chrissy
Quote from: ChrissyRyan on April 01, 2025, 07:50:29 AMSometimes when people look me over (and over occasionally) I get uneasy. Most are likely harmless but I am careful to be protective. So is this normal? Maybe yes for many women.
My partner maintains the biggest difference between being a man and a woman, bar none, is if she was a man she wouldn't have to have to think twice before walking down a street. It's a devastating comment on our culture.
I cannot imagine my life "going back" to normal as it never really felt normal, but I'm a much younger person. I began my transition as a 23 year old. I will be 26 in a few weeks.
My past as a pre-transitioned person was basically just a lot of depression, anxiety and pain. I just dealt with severe depression and constantly felt like my body didn't belong to me. I had moments where I questioned my gender and others in which I convinced myself I had to be a cisgender girl.
I began my transition with social transition with changes in clothes, hair style and eventually I began to use a different name. Then I bought my first binder, then another... And packers for the days in which I felt more dysphoric.
Life slowly began to feel more normal. I could feel my body as my own, as if I were inside of it and controlling it. It felt like I could finally breathe. My anger is more intense, but short lived. My mind is no longer stuck with ruminations. My depression and anxiety are under control both with psychiatric meds and HRT with testosterone.
I didn't manage to get top surgery and bottom surgery yet, but I plan to do so in the future when I can afford it. My life was never really put on hold for the transition. It just kept happening while I started to actually live.
I can't really imagine what it will be like for me to fully transition or if that day will ever arrive. I'm always aware of being transgender despite passing all the time and having all my documents changed. Nobody knows I'm trans unless I tell them.
Still, I feel like my body isn't fully my own yet. I have no regrets over transitioning. Sometimes I feel the regret of not starting sooner, but this is something I know I will have to always live with and I'm much happier now.
Quote from: darksou on April 16, 2025, 04:13:18 PMI can't really imagine what it will be like for me to fully transition or if that day will ever arrive.
One way of looking at this is transition happens in your head and your body follows. Get the deal done in your mind and everything else is like tidying up after a party you're never going to have to attend again.
Quote from: TanyaG on April 17, 2025, 02:25:55 AMOne way of looking at this is transition happens in your head and your body follows. Get the deal done in your mind and everything else is like tidying up after a party you're never going to have to attend again.
Goodness! At the risk of harshness, its not meant that way. Quit worrying so much. You have to be comfortable with you. Get it right in your head and just be, don't over think it. Wear what you want, act how you want. Do away with the drama. Practice what you think you need to, yet you need to live your life or it will pass you by and you will have been caught up in the insecurities too long to see the starlight and smell the sweet fragrances of the rose.
Normal is what you make of it. People are people, you will grow into yourself and accept the new normal as soon as you fully accept what and who you are.
Normal is every day.
You are in Normal right now.
Who says it's not Normal.
Are you defining you as abnormal? Well, stop it already! :)
Quote from: TanyaG on April 17, 2025, 02:25:55 AMOne way of looking at this is transition happens in your head and your body follows. Get the deal done in your mind and everything else is like tidying up after a party you're never going to have to attend again.
I tend to agree somewhat on this. For many years it was just a mere passing thought in my mind, actually I wouldn't even say it was a thought but a few actions of dressing and liking that place.
Once I actually made my decision in my mind and envisioned what I wanted, it became real to me. I can't even remember what actually was my deciding factor. I just knew this was what I wanted more than ever. That's when I knew I had to move on my way forward now.
If by normal you mean how it was before, then no. After figuring out who you are and that you're not in the right body you can't just go back to being the person you were. Sure you can ignore it and pretend that everything's normal, but you'll know. I say take the leap. You'll find a new normal or maybe you're life will turn into one journey after the next, but it'll be you living your life.