Susan's Place Transgender Resources

so for context i'm a 21 year old trans woman, i first came out as trans to my family when i was 15, first did diy hrt when i was 19, and got on prescription hrt when i was 20 about a year ago. also have had laser hair removal on my face and some of my body.

the thing is....i really wish i wasn't like this. i wish i could just live a regular life as a guy. i want a wife and kids someday 😭😭😭

but i'm not questioning my transition and don't plan to detransition, bc then all the dysphoria would come back. the reason i can't just stop transitioning is bc i have so much disgust for having a male body. it looks so hideous to me and my brain just feels like my body should be female. i wish i wasn't like this so i could live a normal family life tho.

i don't believe what i'm feeling is a product of society. i don't want to live a normal life because society expects it, but because i have an inner desire for such a life. but i also have dysphoria. so that leaves me in a state of inner contradiction...

i feel like being like this really ruins my chances at living the life i want. i've always been attracted to women and still am, although i never had any luck bc i've always been so small and sorta feminine looking even before i transitioned. pretty much only men hit on me or show interest in me. a lot of times they won't even back off when i tell them i'm a lesbian. sometimes i just wish i could've not been trans so i could just live as a man and have a normal family life someday but its not in the cards for me  :'(

Yep, I feel the same! I came to the understanding that my brain is hardwired to be incongruent with my birth sex, and it caused me severe dysphoria, so I had to transition to rid myself of dysphoria. I did not want to transition, I was happy except for the dysphoria.

But, in the end, it's like not wanting other conditions humans are afflicted with, you can't wish away a terminal illness, so we have to make the best of it. I wish I could have a normal life, but I can't. I know there is a smaller chance I might find another partner, but I am open to it and put myself out there. I have been able to continue most things I love doing in my life, so all in all, I feel I could be in a worse situation.

I am getting older, with all the medical problems and restrictions that go with that, and I realise this is having a bigger impact on my life than being trans. I wish I didn't have to age, but it is part of the deal, so I have to make the most of it!

I hope you can find happiness.

Allie

The only thing that would make me wish to be happy with my birth sex is .. it was a whole lot easier.

Honestly,  my real wish is to have been born cis female.  That didn't happen, so I'm doing what I have to in order to retain my sanity.

Nobody has a perfect life, there will always be something that you want that 'the other side' has. It's simply realistic.

You're young,  give yourself time to meet that someone. Did you preserve sperm for future family prospects?  If not, seriously consider it. Adoption and donor is always an option as well.

Quote from: dakotamadeleine2003 on July 26, 2024, 02:55:23 AMso for context i'm a 21 year old trans woman, i first came out as trans to my family when i was 15, first did diy hrt when i was 19, and got on prescription hrt when i was 20 about a year ago. also have had laser hair removal on my face and some of my body.

Hi dakotamadeleine2003, and welcome to the forums.

Some regrets in my case for not beginning my transition as early as yours. Congratulations for a successful early beginning.

Quotethe thing is....i really wish i wasn't like this. i wish i could just live a regular life as a guy. i want a wife and kids someday 😭😭😭

When I was around 21 years old like yourself I wanted the same. At this point in my life I was 4 years into a relationship with my highschool sweetheart, a beautiful cisgender young woman. We too wanted to start a family and have children, but it turned out we had complications.

The relationship lasted 8 years and then we broke up, and I learned through friends and family that she conceived with her new partner. I was both devastated and happy for her at the same time.

In my early thirties I met some else. Another beautiful cisgender woman and she conceived, and gave birth to a son. Of course we did what we were programmed to do and assigned him male at birth.

Today he is 10 years, but I am no longer in a relationship with his mother we separated a few years ago, nothing to do with my transitioning but for other reasons.

Quotebut i'm not questioning my transition and don't plan to detransition, bc then all the dysphoria would come back. the reason i can't just stop transitioning is bc i have so much disgust for having a male body. it looks so hideous to me and my brain just feels like my body should be female. i wish i wasn't like this so i could live a normal family life tho. i don't believe what i'm feeling is a product of society. i don't want to live a normal life because society expects it, but because i have an inner desire for such a life. but i also have dysphoria. so that leaves me in a state of inner contradiction...

You're not alone with these feelings perhaps a therapist can help guide you with this internal conflict.

Quotei feel like being like this really ruins my chances at living the life i want. i've always been attracted to women and still am, although i never had any luck bc i've always been so small and sorta feminine looking even before i transitioned. pretty much only men hit on me or show interest in me. a lot of times they won't even back off when i tell them i'm a lesbian. sometimes i just wish i could've not been trans so i could just live as a man and have a normal family life someday but its not in the cards for me  :'(

Here we're totally different, I am bisexual so men hitting on me in female mode is in fact an affirmation.

So I will step aside here, and what I've gathered so far from my reading in these forums is that there seems to be many lesbian trans women here. Perhaps they can chime in on how to set boundaries from unwanted attention.

Good luck with your journey and all the best to you.

~ Lilis

I get it, Maddie. The trans-road has many potholes. It's rough.

Quote from: dakotamadeleine2003 on July 26, 2024, 02:55:23 AMthe thing is....i really wish i wasn't like this. i wish i could just live a regular life as a guy.

It would sure have made things simpler ... but as you have found out it's not an option...

Just think about how difficult things would be if you had not transitioned young, did get married and then realized you had to (or got up the courage to) transition. That can be very painful for all involved as I'm sure many here know.

Quotei want a wife and kids someday 😭😭😭

While you can't bear your own children, that is not impossible these days. As it sounds like you  blend very well, that can help making day to day life more "normal". Being a young and attractive woman does get one hit on a lot, but all women need to learn to deal with it... in time you will too.

So while it's harder to get there, and it won't be exactly the same or easy, with some luck you might be able to have a life like the one you want with a wife and kids, even if not exactly the same.

Being born TS is unfair for sure, but we all have to play the cards we were dealt and try to make the best of it.

-Karen

@dakotamadeleine2003

Hello Dakotamadeline,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

It looks like you have been a member here for a little while, and this is your first post. Thank you for contributing to the discussion. As others have told you, you are not alone in what you are experiencing. Like you, I felt pressured to be married, have kids, and be normal, but when I had that, I was not happy. By getting into therapy, I was able to figure out what was going on with me. Fortunately for you, you seem to already know what is going on, you just need help getting through it. A therapist can help with that too.

Since this is your first post, I'll give you some helpful information. It looks like you registered here just after the site crash. If you were a member before that, we can try to restore your old account if you wish. We are happy to have you here, whether you are a new member or an old member.

We want to get to know you. Once you feel comfortable here, please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum (https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,8.0.html) and introduce yourself and tell us something about you.

Please review the links at the end of this message, they include information that will help you navigate the site and use the available features. Please pay particular attention to the links marked in RED. When you reach 15 posts, you will be able to send and reply to private messages and you will also be able to add an avatar to your profile. Until then if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me at   LoriDee605@outlook.com

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee

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@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

A study shows you can go off HRT to resume sperm production.  You could then freeze it for future use.
This may ease your fears about having a family in the future.

I think women are likely to become more interested in you once you solve your issues.
I don't think it is fair to a partner to become romantically involved before you make gender changes.
That is way too much to ask.

Marion

Quote from: Maid Marion on July 26, 2024, 10:57:13 AMA study shows you can go off HRT to resume sperm production.  You could then freeze it for future use.
This may ease your fears about having a family in the future.

True, longterm can make it permanent. Better to freeze sooner than later.

Quote from: Maid Marion on July 26, 2024, 10:57:13 AMI don't think it is fair to a partner to become romantically involved before you make gender changes. That is way too much to ask.

Yes!  I didn't know until late in life. I'm one of the lucky ones whose spouse and children are accepting and supportive.

My transition went on hold while I was in a relationship for fifteen years.
I did start wearing female clothes, but she was the one who brought it up after we found it impossible to finde nice male clothes for me to wear!  She also wanted me to show more skin, more specifically, clothes that would show off my legs!

My transition has been so slow that I no longer have any desire for breast augmentation, which almost all of us desire.  So much so that it is often an automatic medical necessity covered by insurance.   I look sufficiently female to fill out the tops I buy.

Marion

Sweetie, there is no such thing as a "normal family life". Outside of movies and sit-coms. Every family is unique. With its own dynamics, special qualities, human quirks and differences.

What makes a family is the bond you share with people in it. And there's no reason you can't have that as who you are. In fact I would argue that it's most important to have this as who you are.

I really hate to quote superhero movies because most of the time they come across as cheesy... but a quote in a movie I saw recently really struck home with me.

"Everyone fails at being who they're supposed to be. The mark of a person, of a hero, is how much they succeed at being who they are."

I found this exceptionally profound and insightful. There's no reason you can't have a wife and kids as yourself, honey. If you don't go down the route of freezing sperm... there are a lot of children out there who would give anything for a stable home with loving parents. Even if you didn't biologically contribute to their birth. There are lots of options, okay?

And there are people out there for everyone. There are. Normal is what you make it. Being authentic is the best place to start out from. As far as relationships with others go. There's nothing worse than a relationship built on lies. For both parties.

Look at it this way, sweetie. Forget the whole trans thing for a second and think of it this way. What you're doing is choosing to live your life as you. Which is something... a lot of people never really do. They settle, accept, accede... shove things away deep inside themselves. What you have... is freedom to live with no lies. No pretense. You can approach everything with complete honesty.

*big hugs*

Life is what you make it, sweetie. It's your choice. You get to define what normal is for you.

You can do this. I believe in you. :)

"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof."
― Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah

Quote from: Maid Marion on July 26, 2024, 10:57:13 AMA study shows you can go off HRT to resume sperm production.  You could then freeze it for future use.
This may ease your fears about having a family in the future.

I think women are likely to become more interested in you once you solve your issues.
I don't think it is fair to a partner to become romantically involved before you make gender changes.
That is way too much to ask.

Marion

its not really about having biological kids, and going off of hrt would make me go crazy. its my inability to attract women, the fact that only men seem to be interested in me. i definitely can't get normal feminine women, only queer type women. because i'm trans and so straight women would never be attracted obviously. in terms of having children i'm fine with adopting, i'm just sad i'll never have a normal family life.

Quote from: dakotamadeleine2003 on July 26, 2024, 09:29:44 PMbecause i'm trans and so straight women would never be attracted obviously.

There are a number of married trans women here that would disagree with you.

Quote from: Lori Dee on July 26, 2024, 09:36:22 PMThere are a number of married trans women here that would disagree with you.

married to a feminine straight woman? so like pre-transition marriages? but i'm already transitioned.

People love who they love. While it may be more rare, it happens.

In the reverse, I know a lesbian who fell in love with a straight man, they got married. While sexual side of things placed her as bisexual now, that wasn't the reason for the attraction or love that developed.

Maybe don't try to pidgeon-hole who you will fall in love with, or vice-versa?

My spouse is a straight woman, I'm a trans woman. Married 42 years this year.

Straight women are typically attracted to wealth and confidence, something a lot of transgenders lack.
So yes, it will be hard finding straight women who would be interested in a pre-op trying to sort things out. 

It is likely that you luck will improve if you can sort things out and gain confidence in yourself.

I remember being hit on after entering roses in a rose show and loading my stuff into my car so I could wander off to play golf!
A bunch of questions designed to see if we would be interested in dating!
Women notice when I'm nicely dressed.

Quote from: Faith on July 27, 2024, 05:44:33 AMPeople love who they love. While it may be more rare, it happens.

In the reverse, I know a lesbian who fell in love with a straight man, they got married. While sexual side of things placed her as bisexual now, that wasn't the reason for the attraction or love that developed.

Maybe don't try to pidgeon-hole who you will fall in love with, or vice-versa?

My spouse is a straight woman, I'm a trans woman. Married 42 years this year.

well actual lesbians are consistently attracted only to women from a young age, but a ton of bisexual women identify as lesbians

Quote from: dakotamadeleine2003 on July 27, 2024, 02:46:31 PMwell actual lesbians are consistently attracted only to women from a young age, but a ton of bisexual women identify as lesbians

Well, I can't help that you chose to misinterpret and draw an incorrect conclusion to what I said. 

I hope things work out for you but now I have nothing else to say.

Quote from: Faith on July 27, 2024, 05:44:33 AMMy spouse is a straight woman, I'm a trans woman. Married 42 years this year.

I think being married to a straight woman before transition is very different from meeting and marring one afterwards. It can happen, it but I suspect it is rare.

I know being seen as lesbian was big deal for my spouse.

Karen (who will be married for 40 years later this year)

Quote from: dakotamadeleine2003 on July 26, 2024, 09:29:44 PMi definitely can't get normal feminine women, only queer type women. because i'm trans and so straight women would never be attracted obviously.

Umm.. gay women can be just as feminine as straight women? I don't really understand the point you're trying to make here. Femininity/masculinity in a person isn't linked to their sexuality. It's a whole different thing. I know many straight girls who are utter tomboys. And some gay girls who are like proper "girly". Categorising people in this way makes very little sense.

So straight women might not be attracted to another woman, so what? Don't equate straight to feminine because that just isn't the case. It's comparing apples to... washing machines. You just need to meet more people. ;) Don't assume they aren't out there.

I remember some guys attending a top engineering school talking about a CIS girl who appeared on the cover of a hobby magazine.  Turns out one of the guys went to the same high school!  He said that she would only date rich guys.  Normal guys had no chance getting a date with her.  She complained that all guys were jerks!  No, what happened was her overly selective dating criteria selected jerks for her to date!

Quote from: Maid Marion on July 27, 2024, 08:35:49 PMI remember some guys attending a top engineering school talking about a CIS girl who appeared on the cover of a hobby magazine.  Turns out one of the guys went to the same high school!  He said that she would only date rich guys.  Normal guys had no chance getting a date with her.  She complained that all guys were jerks!  No, what happened was her overly selective dating criteria selected jerks for her to date!

I ain't sayin' she's a gold-digger... lol

Quote from: Sephirah on July 27, 2024, 08:41:41 PMI ain't sayin' she's a gold-digger... lol

Hey! I resemble that remark... oh, you meant... never mind.  ;D

Quote from: Lori Dee on July 27, 2024, 08:55:55 PMHey! I resemble that remark... oh, you meant... never mind.  ;D

Lori, you are the literal right kind of gold digger hahaha.

And to be honest, honey... anyone would be lucky to have you. You are humble, smart, gentle, kind, encouraging, nurturing... not to mention drop dead gorgeous :P You have literally ALL the qualities! <3

< blushing > Thanks.

Hello Dakotamadeline

My name is Sarah B and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I'm curious you screen name has two female names. So which one do you use the most and would you mind if I used that one?  If you don't mind.  I'm sorry that I did not welcome you sooner.  I see that other members of Susan's have welcomed you and helped you immensely in your issue.

You mention in your first post.

Quote from: dakotamadeleine2003 on July 26, 2024, 02:55:23 AMso for context i'm a 21 year old trans woman, i first came out as trans to my family when i was 15, first did diy hrt when i was 19, and got on prescription hrt when i was 20 about a year ago. also have had laser hair removal on my face and some of my body.

the thing is....i really wish i wasn't like this. i wish i could just live a regular life as a guy. i want a wife and kids someday 😭😭😭

Just like you I was young only 30 years old when I changed my life around.  My wish was that I was born a female also, like so many others that have come to Susan's and gone.  However, I never wished that I was not like this.  I always longed or wanted to be a female.  Eventually I had surgery.  So in a sense just like you, I wanted a husband and kids, unfortunately that was not to be.

Quote from: dakotamadeleine2003 on July 26, 2024, 02:55:23 AMbut i'm not questioning my transition and don't plan to detransition, bc then all the dysphoria would come back. the reason i can't just stop transitioning is bc i have so much disgust for having a male body. it looks so hideous to me and my brain just feels like my body should be female. i wish i wasn't like this so i could live a normal family life tho.

I never questioned, any aspect of what I did to become who I am today, none whatsoever.  I never had any dysphoria in my mind or body.  However since surgery if I think about what I once had, it makes me very nauseous.

Quote from: dakotamadeleine2003 on July 26, 2024, 02:55:23 AMi don't believe what i'm feeling is a product of society. i don't want to live a normal life because society expects it, but because i have an inner desire for such a life. but i also have dysphoria. so that leaves me in a state of inner contradiction...

No, what you are feeling is not a product of society.  Nature and or human interference (read drugs) on mothers have caused our condition.  I accept unconditionally that one of these caused my current condition.  I don't care, I love my life and I will never trade it in for anything.

I have not lead a normal life and the majority of society will never even see half of what I have done.  I never have followed societies expectations and I will never will.  Like a moth that is drawn to the light of a candle, I'm on the outside watching the other moths get burned.  The desire to have a normal life has not died within me, that is husband and kids.

Your dysphoria, which still leaves you in a state of inner contradiction, needs to sorted out.  The only way that you are going to be able to sort this issue out is to seek 'therapy' with a psychiatrist, psychologist or counsellor that specializes in Gender Identity issues and you need to do this soon for your sake.

Quote from: dakotamadeleine2003 on July 26, 2024, 02:55:23 AMi feel like being like this really ruins my chances at living the life i want. i've always been attracted to women and still am, although i never had any luck bc i've always been so small and sorta feminine looking even before i transitioned. pretty much only men hit on me or show interest in me. a lot of times they won't even back off when i tell them i'm a lesbian. sometimes i just wish i could've not been trans so i could just live as a man and have a normal family life someday but its not in the cards for me  :'(

There is nothing wrong with being attracted to women.  If that is how you feel, then that is how you feel.  Women come in all shapes and sizes, so do not let that deter you in seeking other women. 

When I changed my life around, during the critical two years before surgery, I was constantly being hit upon by men.  I did date a few, however I never did become intimate with them, because of my condition and I did not want to suffer any consequences should I become intimate with them.  So I understand where you are coming from, when men hit on you and you are not interested.

As Sephirah says and I quote:

Quote from: Sephirah on July 26, 2024, 02:21:41 PMSweetie, there is no such thing as a "normal family life". Outside of movies and sit-coms. Every family is unique. With its own dynamics, special qualities, human quirks and differences.

What makes a family is the bond you share with people in it. And there's no reason you can't have that as who you are. In fact I would argue that it's most important to have this as who you are.

Is so true.  You mention in your second post:

Quote from: dakotamadeleine2003 on July 26, 2024, 09:29:44 PMits not really about having biological kids, and going off of hrt would make me go crazy. its my inability to attract women, the fact that only men seem to be interested in me. i definitely can't get normal feminine women, only queer type women. because i'm trans and so straight women would never be attracted obviously. in terms of having children i'm fine with adopting, i'm just sad i'll never have a normal family life.

You are 21, you have the rest of your life to live and that means 80 more years of living the best years of life as you.  Normal heterosexual women will only be attracted to men.  Which only leaves lesbian's or bisexual women that will be attracted to you when they know that you are one too.  However, your interaction with them, depends on whether you tell them about your current state of transition.

If you want to find a partner and you are still young, then you need to go out to venues, parties, clubs, pubs, movies, theatres, dinner parties and social events where like minded people congregate and low and behold you will end up with a partner quicker than you can say 'Jack Robinson'.  How do I know this?

I looked after my mother for ten years and in that time I did not date.  Two years since my mum passed away (so 12 years), I'm currently seeing a gentleman and how it goes I do not know.  The question is how did I come across a potential partner?  I once read, that the best way to 'find a partner' was to socialise and I applied that piece of advice to myself and after 6 months of socialising, I have possibly found a partner.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Sarah B
Offical Greeter
@LoriDee
@Northern Star Girl
@dakotamadeleine2003
@Sephirah