I'm sure a lot of you will not remember me. My name is Chelsea. What I am about to say my "Trigger" some of you so just so you know. I am just warning you to not expect to much from HRT unless you start young AF. I came here when I first started transition almost 7 years ago. Like a lot of you I had a great childhood but when puberty started and girls started getting butts and boobs and guys starting getting hairy legs and muscles, I knew something was very wrong. I didn't develop like others. When everyone around me was going through puberty I stayed looking like a kid. My mom took me to a doctor in Knoxville that told her I was a "Late Bloomer" and wanted to start me on testosterone for 4 weeks to give me a "Kick Start".
That one moment has totally trashed my entire life. I told mom that I felt like a girl and living in the south she smacked me in the face and said "You're a good looking boy and to never talk that way again" So I thought the way I was feeling was wrong. So I kept it hid. When I started looking like a guy it was devastating.
By the time I was in my early teens I was already shaving my legs and painting my toes because it was something I could hide. Eventually that wasn't enough. Then women's underwear was the fix. There was times that I felt ashamed and tried to "Man Up" by growing out my beard, lifting weights and got more attention from women then ever before but it made me want to die. This got worse over the years.
By the year 1998 I first discovered trans-women on the internet. I was amazed and didn't even know what it was I was seeing. So I started doing research and found out how they was doing it. I also knew that there was know way I could ever do anything like that, so I let it go. I never understood why I felt like a girl but wasn't attracted to men. I discovered the hormones from Thailand for feminizing so I ordered some. After doing that for almost two years it wasn't really doing anything besides making my skin soft so I give up. In 2013 I started my own business thinking I could "sneak" and transition and no body would know. I really was that naive. Started the cheap photo-estrogens from Thailand again with no luck or not caring about the risk. Finally at the end of 2017 I had had enough. I told my girlfriend of 10 years that there was something really wrong with me and I want to go see a professional. We drove an hour away to see my first psychiatrist and after a long emotional 2 hours telling her my entire life story she told me that I was more then likely transgender. I immediately went to get a second opinion and sure enough was told the same thing. On the way home, all I could think about is that "I cant do this" "Everyone will make fun of me" "All my friends will never talk to me again" "My family will disown me" "I will never get a job again" "How would I ever get surgeries?" I mean a hour of nothing but seeing a dead end.
Late that afternoon while my girlfriend was sleeping I didn't see any way out so, I grabbed my dads 12 gauge shotgun and walked up in my woods behind my house and sit down under a tree and put the barrel in my mouth and prepared to fix it. I cried out loud for about 45 minuets and a thought came through my head that "If its worth dying for then its worth trying to fix. One week later I started HRT from a place in Knoxville. I was the happiest day of my life but was short lived. About 21 months went by and I wasn't developing like some of my trans friends. Planned Parenthood would never check my levels so I left and found me a endocrinologist that had done only male to female trans people for 33 years and was highly recommended. On my first blood test my Testosterone was over 500 and my estrogen was on 70. I was so pissed that I wasted the first 21 months. I started in my mid forties and never did any research on what to expect form HRT. My only thought was "Oh crap I am getting old so I gotta start now." With perfect levels for the next few years I was very let down.
The only thing that HRT did for me was soft skin, a feminine kinda face, A cups, and that's about it. No hips, No ass, No thighs, No shape, No curves, No teeth and a stomach that looks like a can of busted biscuits. I used to dream about being voluptuous and sexy but sadly that day will never come. I learned how to act and look happy in pictures. Truth is I am more miserable now then I was before because I know I am screwed no matter how many surgeries. They cant move bones. I don't care how vain or superficial it sounds it is what I wanted. I dreamed for all these years. I look pretty good but its all fake and I will never be happy. I wear elastic bands and tape behind my neck to keep the skin tight so I don't look so damn old. I wear literally 10 pounds of silicone shape-wear under my clothes to make me look "kind of normal" 10 POUNDS. That padding goes all the way to my knees. I cant even wear a simple pair of shorts, a skirt, a dress, a bikini or god forbid anything sexy because of my disgusting man body. Naked I look like a soft hairless boy with a-cups and its the most disgusting thing I have every seen.
I told my mom I was a girl when I was young. When there was enough time to fix me and be happy. She did this to me. She passed away last year and I am glad she is gone. I should take a dump on her grave.I hate her for making me live this was. For letting testosterone destroy me. I will never be happy. I'm sick of therapist telling me to accept it. Not no but hell NO.
My reason for posting this was if any of you think your gonna be curvy and voluptuous and sexy starting hormones this late in life I will not turn out like you think. Some are ok with what they get. Me? I will absolutely not continue life looking like I do now. I will get the courage someday to stop my pain. Someday I will. This will be the last picture of me ever. Elastic bands, Tape, breast forms, 10 pounds of silicone padding, Photoshop and filters. I'm done with all of this. I said something back when I was young enough to fix this. Thanks mom. I hope you rot. (https://i.imgur.com/m3JCGZD.jpg)
@Chelsea Dear Chelsea: Yes indeed, I certainly recall your previous time here on Susan's Place and the Forum.
My previous username was Alaskan Danielle, I am sure that you will remember me.
I fondly remember our many conversations and exchange of comments, especially on your
Blog Thread that you kept nicely updated prior to your temporary departure in May of 2019.
Chelsea's Transition Adventure
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,234466.0.html
I was very saddened when you stopped logging in... but now that you have come back I am
thrilled to see you posting once again. I will be eagerly looking forward to your
continuing life story as you feel comfortable sharing.
Always feel free to message me with any questions or comments that you may have.
Many HUGS... I am so glad to see your return !!! ❤️❤️❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator.
I remember you sweetheart. You was always good to me but I was just saying goodbye. I cant live this way anymore. HRT don't fix us all. I give it 7 years and still look like a guy in person. I cant. I just cant. I hope you have a nice life girl. Have fun and enjoy life for the ones of us that never will have that.
Hi Chelsea Your story reveals a deep, painful journey of feeling misunderstood and unsupported, both by your family and your own body. You have endured so much, from childhood rejection to years of struggling with your identity and I'm deeply sorry for the hurt you've faced. The frustration you feel with how hormones have affected your transition and the emotional toll of not seeing the changes you hoped for is incredibly tough.
I want to take a moment to say, though, that your picture is beautiful. Even without any 'padding,' I know you would still look beautiful and I truly mean that. Females come in all shapes and sizes and many women would love to have the qualities you already possess. Even for myself, after five years on full-strength HRT (Depo Provera and Premarin), I only had an A or borderline B cup. It can be so disheartening when our bodies do not align with our dreams (I never was worried about mine, I just accepted what I got, I was too busy carrying on with my life), but know that beauty isn't defined by curves or size.
Your experiences with your mom and the lack of acceptance early on are heartbreaking and it's understandable that those feelings of anger and regret are still with you. But none of this is your fault. You have been strong through so many difficult moments.
It sounds like you're in a lot of pain and it's important to find the right support system to help carry that load. Therapy might not have been helpful for you before, but finding a therapist who truly understands your specific challenges could make a difference. There are people out there who care, who want to support you and who can help you navigate this difficult time. You do not have to go through this alone.
Take care and I wish you all the best for the future.
Best Wishes AlwaysSarah BGlobal Moderator@Chelsea
Those all shapes and sizes you are talking about is not what I was trying to be nor want. I'm not beautiful. What you are judging me on how I look is 100% fake and not what I am at all. Naked I look just like a soft hairless boy with a cups and its freaking disgusting. This is not and never will be acceptable, I will take myself off this miserable spinning ball of dirt before that happens.
Hi Chelsea You said the following:
Quote from: Chelsea on October 15, 2024, 12:55:46 AMI remember you sweetheart. You was always good to me but I was just saying goodbye. I cant live this way anymore. HRT don't fix us all. I give it 7 years and still look like a guy in person. I cant. I just cant. I hope you have a nice life girl. Have fun and enjoy life for the ones of us that never will have that.
and
Quote from: Chelsea on October 15, 2024, 01:55:23 AMThose all shapes and sizes you are talking about is not what I was trying to be nor want. I'm not beautiful. What you are judging me on how I look is 100% fake and not what I am at all. Naked I look just like a soft hairless boy with a cups and its freaking disgusting. This is not and never will be acceptable, I will take myself off this miserable spinning ball of dirt before that happens.
I gathered that and took that into account. When I wrote my reply to you and I mean that.
I can feel you are feeling overwhelmed and you have reached a breaking point, but please don't give up. Your life matters, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. I understand that HRT hasn't given you the results you wanted, and it's crushing to feel like you have done everything and still do not see the change. But this isn't the end, and you do not have to face this pain alone.
You are so much more than what you see in the mirror. There are people who care about you and want to help and taking yourself off this planet, will cause them pain no end. Please reach out to someone who can support you through this. You do not have to carry the weight of this alone, and there is still hope, even when it feels like there isn't.
I have provided some necessary information below and I would like you to reach out, using the information that is listed below.
Suicide Prevention and Support ResourcesSeeking help is a courageous step toward well-being. At Susan's Place, we understand the importance of mental health support, especially for the transgender and non-binary community. If you or someone you know is experiencing a crisis, here are some dedicated organizations ready to help:
The Trevor Project (https://www.thetrevorproject.org/)Specialized support for LGBTQ youth.
Helpline (24/7): 1-866-488-7386.
Text and Chat: The Trevor Project chat (https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/) or text START to 678-678.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (https://988lifeline.org/)Nationwide, free, and confidential support for those in crisis, available 24/7.
Helpline (24/7): Call #988, text #988.
Text and Chat: Chat online (https://988lifeline.org/chat).
Haz clic aquí para el chat en español (https://988lifeline.org/es/chat/).
Trans Lifeline (https://translifeline.org/)A grassroots hotline and microgrants non-profit organization for the trans community.
Helpline (24/7): 1-877-565-8860.
Website: Trans Lifeline (https://translifeline.org/)
Remember, you are not alone, and there are people ready to support you.
Best Wishes AlwaysSarah BGlobal Moderator@Chelsea
Its my choice if I want to end it. That is all that matters. If I cant get what I need to be truly happy then I am out. I will not repay more. I was saying by and to warn to older people that HRT is a joke. Its a freaking joke.
All of you hot girls on here please live for the ones of us that will never have that chance.
Hi Chelsea You said the following:
Quote from: Chelsea on October 15, 2024, 02:32:02 AMIts my choice if I want to end it. That is all that matters. If I cant get what I need to be truly happy then I am out. I will not repay more. I was saying by and to warn to older people that HRT is a joke. Its a freaking joke.
All of you hot girls on here please live for the ones of us that will never have that chance.
Yes, it is your choice. So if you decide that is what you want to do, there is nothing that I can do about it, because I live in Australia. However, please don't do it, don't give up and know that I do care what happens to you. There is support out there and it is up to you to seek it out.
HRT, particularly estrogen, affects individuals differently. While it can feminize the body by redistributing fat, softening skin and promoting breast growth, the results vary based on factors like age, genetics and when HRT is started.
Those who begin earlier, especially before puberty, often see more significant changes, but even then, the outcomes can be unpredictable. For those starting later in life, changes may be more limited and certain masculine traits like bone structure won't change.
Lori spent years getting the right HRT for herself and her story in her blog tells that journey.
HRT is not a joke, it is a chemical and it is limited in what it can do.
HRT is just one part of a larger journey and it doesn't "fix" everything or bring the same level of change for everyone, regardless of what age.
I would like you to answer a couple of questions for me, you do not have to answer and I will understand if you do not for personal reasons. Are you taking medical grade estrogen and anti testosterone and are your levels average and virtually zero respectively?
Remember I care about what happens to you and yet I'm a stranger and I live on the other side of the world.
Best Wishes AlwaysSarah BGlobal Moderator@Chelsea
Welcome back Chelsea!
Chrissy
Hi, Chelsea,
I feel your pain and my heart reaches out to you. I beg you not to give up. Every day there are new studies that discover something about transgender medicine that we did not know before. It may seem like you have tried everything, but have you really? Have you discussed your pain with your therapist and prescribers? I trust that you are taking prescribed medications and not relying on ineffective herbals and creams. You indicated that your labs show your levels are within the female range.
As I mentioned in the other post, there are differences in the types of medications that are available. Even a slight difference in formulation can make a big difference. Perhaps discuss with your prescriber trying a different method (oral, patches, gels, injections, etc.) or even different brands within those methods.
In my own experience, the doctors determined that I was a fast metabolizer and my body was processing and eliminating the estradiol too quickly to have much effect. By trying different methods and brands we finally found something that works. That would not have happened if I hadn't constantly told them things were not working to my satisfaction.
There could be other factors at play here as well. Perhaps something in your genetics reduces the effects of estrogen and they need to try a different route. You may be familiar with a condition called AIS (Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome) where your body produces or receives testosterone, but it has no effect. Perhaps you have something similar but on the estrogen side. If that is the issue, wouldn't you want to know that? It is hard to fix something if you don't know why it is happening.
Please don't give up. You have a ton of information right here that is based on real-world experience. If your experience is different, maybe by reading other's stories you can get a hint as to why your results are different. Then take that information to your doctors to get them looking in the right direction. It could be something that no one thought to look at before and yet the answer is right here.
We are here to help in any way we can, and we want only the best for you. Please hang in there and let us know how things are going.
Quote from: Chelsea on October 15, 2024, 02:32:02 AMIts my choice if I want to end it. That is all that matters. If I cant get what I need to be truly happy then I am out. I will not repay more.
I'm so sorry that you've had to go through so much pain and frustration. It must be really difficult to feel like your body doesn't align with who you are.
But it's also important to remember that you're not alone in this. Many of us face similar challenges with HRT and body image.
I take it that your dysphoria has exacerbated because hrt isn't aligning with your desired physical outcomes, maybe is time to reaccess your approach as Sarah B and Lori suggested, talk these things over with your therapist or try a new therapist if the one you are seeing isn't working for you.
QuoteI was saying by and to warn to older people that HRT is a joke. Its a freaking joke.
All of you hot girls on here please live for the ones of us that will never have that chance.
I'm not going to be nice here, as I take this as a projection of your own experiences, feelings and desires and not everyone's that began their hrt journey at a later age including myself.
Yes, I see the young hot girls that you are referencing here everyday in other forums and at my local lbgtqa+ center daily. And, I am happy for their experiences, and grateful for the pioneers that came before them to make their experiences possible at a younger age even so for some before puberty.
But my experience is different than theirs, and I have come to terms, acknowledge and accept to work with what resources I have in my disposal even though I may never achieve the desire results as theirs.
Yes, you have the power to decide to end it all or continue fighting and accept to work with what life have dealt you with, good luck and best wishes to you.
Quote from: Chelsea on October 15, 2024, 12:27:35 AMThe only thing that HRT did for me was soft skin, a feminine kinda face, A cups, and that's about it. No hips, No ass, No thighs, No shape, No curves.
If you leave out the HRT that would have been a good description of a girlfriend of mine. 28% of cis women are an A cup. She had a boyish figure on top of that but she easy with herself and guys used to climb over each other because of her attitude of 'You want, but you can't touch.' It never ceased to amaze me how powerful her allure was because you wouldn't have looked at her twice in the street. Yet she had a confidence in herself that was completely magnetic.
If I have the math right you were mid forties seven years back so must be around 52 now? Looking at your photo, allowing for talent with PhotoShop and mentally stripping out ten pounds of silicone and a bunch of tape, I'm looking at someone who liked themselves enough that day to get their hair and makeup looking great, choose a necklace and bracelet and knock it out of the park.
Yet right now the lady behind this pic isn't comfortable with herself. She wants to be someone else, with another body. Some of that I guess she could have with surgery, but she'd get further, faster by learning to love herself. When dysphoria peaks, that isn't an easy thing to do, but if you want to direct your rage into proving anyone wrong, perhaps the best focus for it might be to use the energy to go back into therapy and work on the problems you've identifed.
Even allowing for a lot of skill with an image editor, your face is your fortune, girl. There'll be a lot of people looking at it thinking, 'Why has she all the luck?'
Hi Chelsea
The following people who care for and have supported you in your journey Chelsea's Transition Adventure (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,234466.msg2094953.html#msg2094953) and even some took inspiration from your postings. It would be very nice if you could tell us what has happened to you in the last 4 and 1/2 years since your last posting.
I apologize if I have not got some of your family and friends, done correctly.
People Who Care and Support You
Family and Friends
Best male Friend | Sister (who?) | Girl (Pharmacy 20yrs) | Nephew (Jason?) |
Gas Station's Daughter | Girl Friend (Alivia?) | Older Brother | Joni |
Beth | Friend & You (Name given) | Alivia | Sister Robyn |
Sister Kelly | Brother Jeffrey | Wesley |
|
________________________________________ | ________________________________________ | ________________________________________ | ________________________________________ |
Members from Susan's
Jessica | CallMeKatie | JulieAllana | VaxSpyder |
Kathy Lauren | Laurie | Donna | bobbisue |
pamelatransuk | BrianaJ | TonyaW | softbutchharley |
Cassi | Northern Star Girl | christinej78 | amberwaves |
maybesoph | JudiBlueEyes | V M | Jayne01 |
Chloe freebird | Rachel | cluck1992 | Maddie86 |
stevi | CallmeMegan | Katie Jade | davina61 |
MissyMay2.0 | Susan Baum | steph2.0 | Roll |
Charlie Nicki | Faith | GingerVicki | Sarah1979 |
anne_indy | SonadoraXVX | Donica | Melinda@heart |
cluck1992 | Nicole70 | mm | Anjanette Miranda |
SusanL | Michelle_P | pamelamoore2706 | Maddie |
islandgirl | deanna7506 | Sonja | Jazmynne |
Kirsteneklund7 | Allison S | sarah1972 | Cheaney |
Alyssa Bree | Aiyanna | Lacy | Sarah B |
________________________________________ | ________________________________________ | ________________________________________ | ________________________________________ |
Best Wishes AlwaysSarah BGlobal ModeratorPS Reformatted from 5 columns to 4 columns
@Chelsea@Northern Star Girl
Hi Chelsea,
I have read your posts and posts on FB. I usually do not comment. I understand how you feel. I understand the need to stop the pain and the loss of not transitioning young and telling parents at a very early age without support and with negative reinforcement.
I understand the desire to look and be beautiful, the look and life that was stolen from you. Something that will never be corrected and hurts with every breath.
At some point in time my own mental pain eased. I do not know why or how. I have been in several communities and had several girlfriends. I had been with a lot of guys, I think for validation of my transition. I had a bunch of surgeries to look more of how I see myself. I have not been at a party for I guess over a year due to a frail immunity.
Life is a journey. You are a beautiful person and I do not mean looks. You are a beautiful person, sensitive, empathetic and caring. Life is not fair. You have dealt with a lot of unfair and unjust behaviors and stereotypes. Life is about struggle, you have had more than your share of struggles. Life is about self doubt, you have had more than you share of self questioning.
I love going to the gym and lifting heavy weight. Something happens in my brain and body. It is like going to a BDSM dudgeon and engaging in heavy impact play. There is an incredible feeling of calm and well being during and after the heavy lifting. I think the weight lifting helped me heal my depression from not feeling I look CIS. Why are guys staring at me in the gym, lol.
I had a girlfriend tell me something in confidence the other day. I was going out with a woman I am still good friends with. She said the woman that dated me said to her when we first started dating she thought I was Cis. I was blown away. That one sharing changed how I think about how well I pass.
You miss, pass and very well. I know markup and padding, is your self talk, but not the reality we see. You will never cut yourself a break if you do not hear your inner voice and heal your inner person. How you do it is varied in ways and up to you. When will you forgive yourself? To what level of pain will you have to endure until you stop punishing yourself.
We love you and want you to be happy. I hope you can smile today at something.
Best,
Rachel.
Chelsea,
I feel your pain. If there was a magic wand I could wave and fix all our problems I would do it. I to have had the 12gauge to my head. I remember pulling the trigger by nothing happened. Guess I didn't pull hard enough. I also took a bottle of pills which didn't even put me in the hospital. Those were dark times. Even now I want to smash my mothers tombstone. I lived a life of what she wanted me to and when she died, I found out she had wrote me out of her will. I started transitioning then at 60. I to will never be young and beautiful but I have decided to finish out living my life as best I can. Self image is a bitch. So many people tell me, you have it easy, your pretty. I don't see it! I was at the plastic surgeons who did my grs, for a checkup. I was seeing the assistant a beautiful cis woman. We started talking about my nose job and she was commenting on her nose, how awful it was. What! Point is don't be to hard on yourself. We all have body dysmorphia of one kind or another. Checking out is not the answer. For me it gave me a bit of freedom, 'what's the worse that could happen? I could be dead'. So I went skydiving! If something goes wrong, 'what's the worst that could happen'. I went to the doctor and got some meds. to help me deal with it, which helped some. There all always alternatives. Hang in there girl, life will get better! And I think you are beautiful.
Gina
Quote from: Chelsea on October 15, 2024, 12:27:35 AMThe only thing that HRT did for me was soft skin, a feminine kinda face, A cups, and that's about it. No hips, No ass, No thighs, No shape, No curves,
I started HRT in Jan of 1997 IIRC at 41 and had SRS in the fall of 1998. My HRT results are pretty much the same as yours. but I also have a big male build to go along with that unlike you.
So I got breast implants with SRS even though I really hated the fact the I needed to- wanted my breasts to be natural and even with my big frame I would have been OK with a B. I also had full Facial Feminization Surgery with the now retired Dr. Douglas Ousterhout who essentially invented the techniques. I also had experimental voice laser surgery back in 1999...
So I did all I could do on the physical front and still could not get to where I felt I wanted/needed to be...
There are things you can influence but not control... Well that's just life. You do what you can and then try to make the best of things.
You can still have a life worth living despite all of it ...I have.
- Karen
Thank you for sharing your story. I have benefitted from your experience. I too feel the dysphoria stronger over time as I see other women. I believe I cannot ever feel comfortable with my appearance and will never pass so I need to find another approach.
Thank you,
Hugs,
Louis.
Hello Louis,
I'm Lori Dee.
Welcome to Susan's Place!Thank you for joining the forum and contributing to the discussions.
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@Louis @Sarah B@Northern Star Girl
Hello Louis (Lee!)My name is
Sarah B and I would also like to formally Welcome you to Susan's Place!
I see that Lori also welcomed you to Susan's as well.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. It's clear how deeply you have reflected on your experiences and your story resonates with many of us here. Feeling the weight of dysphoria or navigating relationships you are not alone in them. Susan's is here to support you as much as possible.
You have taken a brave step by joining us and being open and we hope that through reading and connecting with others you will find the strength and understanding you seek. This is a space where friendships flourish. Susan's is glad to have you here and we look forward to sharing your journey together.
Remember that what you write here is a public forum and what you write can be read by anyone and the internet never forgets.
Once you feel comfortable here it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads. I would appreciate it very much as I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.
In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.
Take care and all the best for the future.
Once again Welcome to Susan's Place!Best Wishes AlwaysSarah BGlobal Moderator@Lori Dee @Northern Star Girl @Louis
I remember you, Chelsea.
In my case, I do not expect too much. I once tried to get HRT, but gave up as I have a family. Even without HRT, I do not dislike my male features including the flat chest. But I do wear a bikini on the beach, occasionally topless.
Yesterday was the 30th anniversary of our wedding. Two sons are out of town, and my daughter is with us. In Facebook, >200 friends celebrated our anniversary, and all of them know who I am as I post photos and videos nearly every day. I do not hide my gender identity, career, or relationships with various people.
As my expectation is not so high, I am satisfied with my present life and self-image. I also maintain my YouTube page on fashion and beauty: https://www.youtube.com/@barbiekorea21
I know everybody has different life choices, and I am not in a position to give any advice or help. Just for reference.
barbie~~
Quote from: Louis on October 23, 2024, 10:11:40 AMI too feel the dysphoria stronger over time as I see other women. I believe I cannot ever feel comfortable with my appearance and will never pass so I need to find another approach.
Welcome to Susan's, you'll find lots of empathy here. Finding an approach where you are comfortable with who
you are, rather than measuring yourself against a cultural image of an ideal you is likely to find you an easier place to be in. A lot of people find themselves going down the rabbit hole of wanting to be someone else when happiness lies in finding the comfort zone of whatever the feminine version of you is. Seeing that version without the fog.
Chelsea,
I just saw this thread today. I checked and I don't see any activity from your account in a while. I really hope that you haven't hurt yourself.
Just from reading your first post I can feel your anguish. Looks are not everything. Please remember that you have people in your life that love you.
Try not to hate your mother. She did what she thought was best for you. She didn't understand what she was doing. What you can do now is be an advocate for those now facing the same issues in their life. You can be a shining light in this world. Don't give up.