Note to moderates. Feel free to communicate with me if I am starting to many topics. 😊
Last night I said goodnight to wifey and told her I loved her. I got into bed and did my usual routine of reading. I am currently reading a Terry Pratchett book 😊
A thought occurred to me. I should try a thought experiment! For one day I am going to accept my diagnosis of gender dysphoria with no questions asked. I am currently in this thought experiment.
I have practiced the buddhist meditation, and used to attend a sangha. I am using the technique of acknowledging a thought when it arrisses as just a thought. This technique I am using for when the thoughts arrise of "No! You do not have this diagnosis!", "This is just a figment of your imagination."
We will see what happens. I am being gentle with myself, loving towards myself, and caring towards myself.
Quote from: treeseeds on December 12, 2024, 09:10:05 AMLast night I said goodnight to wifey and told her I loved her. I got into bed and did my usual routine of reading. I am currently reading a Terry Pratchett book 😊
May you live in interesting times! ;)
QuoteA thought occurred to me. I should try a thought experiment! For one day I am going to accept my diagnosis of gender dysphoria with no questions asked. I am currently in this thought experiment.
I have practiced the buddhist meditation, and used to attend a sangha. I am using the technique of acknowledging a thought when it arrisses as just a thought. This technique I am using for when the thoughts arrise of "No! You do not have this diagnosis!", "This is just a figment of your imagination."
We will see what happens. I am being gentle with myself, loving towards myself, and caring towards myself.
Let us know how you get on with this, honey. I tend to come from a different place. one Buddha would probably intensely dislike, lol. I believe we have thoughts for a reason, and understanding those reasons lead to understanding those thoughts. Like bubbles in a body of water. They come from somewhere. Finding that somewhere is the key to understanding the bubbles. I feel like those negative thoughts you have come from somewhere, maybe somewhere you don't understand. You have a mental leak and can't find the source.
Thought experiment results
0600hrs-wake up. I have decided that I am not trans or have gender dysphoria.
0830hrs-I arrive at work. Dysphoria starting to kick in! Feeling depressed and sad. Acknowledging my thoughts and feelings and letting them go.
1030hrs-I accept gender dysphoria. I realize that it is something that I need to work through.
1400hrs-feeling depressed and suicidal about it. I know that these are just thoughts. I sit with these feelings and they pass. I still understand that my diagnosis is something that I need to deal with.
1800hrs-I am at my daughters school function and I see a very attractive woman and I want to be her. I feel incredibly sad.
1900hrs-2200hrs-I feel exhausted and angry with myself. I feel frustrated that nothing is resolved.
Other thoughts that came up
-I look at my body and feel a disconnect between what I feel and see.
-I am not wanting to do anything.
-I decide that I would rather suffer with this my entire life then go through the agony and suffering in trying to explain to people who I really am.
2209hrs-currently completing this posting and feeling tired. I don't want to go through this anymore and I know at some point I will need to make some sort of resolution or have some sort of understanding on how to move forward. I fully acknowledge that this is a process and I need to work through this.
Final thought
-I feel incredibly alone and I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. As a matter of fact now that I look back at my day. I feel like I have been alone with this my entire life.
I am safe and have no plans for self harm.
Quote from: treeseeds on December 12, 2024, 10:12:57 PMFinal thought
-I feel incredibly alone and I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. As a matter of fact now that I look back at my day. I feel like I have been alone with this my entire life.
I know these feelings all too well, and I imagine many others reading this can relate. Just remember, even when it feels like you're alone, you're truly not.
QuoteI am safe and have no plans for self harm.
Are you sure? Remember, gender dysphoria is not yet fully understood, so don't hesitate to reach out to your support team for guidance and help.
Sorry if I sound like a broken record but every time I wake up in the morning I deny that I am transgendered and I am thankful that I never did transition.
Perhaps this is where I am on the spectrum. Clearly there's a reason why I think this, and I do plan on talking to my therapist about it.
Maybe I present as a man but there's certain female characteristics that I present. I am going to sit with this and ponder it. I am going to use my non-judgemental mind and just be thankful that I have the ability to ponder it. We will see what happens!
Quote from: Lilis on December 13, 2024, 02:22:19 AMI know these feelings all too well, and I imagine many others reading this can relate. Just remember, even when it feels like you're alone, you're truly not.
Are you sure? Remember, gender dysphoria is not yet fully understood, so don't hesitate to reach out to your support team for guidance and help.
Yes! Very true! I need to keep this in mind. I live in Canada and there's a suicide hotline that I use often. I use it by texting so even if I am at work it just looks like I am texting with a friend.
What in the heck is happening to me!
Hopefully someone can give me some insight.
As I said in a previous post is that I am pondering the possibility that I might be a masculine presenting person with feminine traits. I will be honest and say that I don't feel any stress over this, I am just sitting with this thought and exploring it.
However, for the last three days I have been jolted by the thought that I don't have a female body but it feels like I should!
I will be sitting or walking and my body feels feminine. I then get jolted with the realization that this isn't the case! My body looks like a man's body. But it feels wrong to have a man's body.
So. In a nut shell this is what is happening. My mind is processing the idea that I might be a man with female traits. Yet, my body feels wrong to me, that it should look and feel female. However, my mind feels comfortable with the idea that I might be masculine with feminine traits.
This is so confusing...
On top of everything, tonight is my work holiday party. All of the ladies are dressed up and look gorgeous! I feel odd looking at them and feeling like I am missing out. I came to the party wearing jeans, hiking boots and a hoodie 🤣😑🫤😩🤣😔 I'll just leave it at that.
Quote from: treeseeds on December 13, 2024, 05:15:17 PMHowever, for the last three days I have been jolted by the thought that I don't have a female body but it feels like I should!
I will be sitting or walking and my body feels feminine. I then get jolted with the realization that this isn't the case! My body looks like a man's body. But it feels wrong to have a man's body.
This is the definition of gender dysphoria. How you handle it is for you to decide. Definitely discuss this in therapy and get further insights into this condition.
A session with a competent gender therapist may bring clarity for you of your situation.
I wish you very good results of any such discussion.
Chrissy
I have no plans for self-harm, I am safe.
Why am I going through this? Why is the mind feeling like this? Why does my body feel wrong? Someone please tell me why I am like this! 😥
I am exhausted.
Mornings-"thank God I never did anything when I was younger."
Afternoon-"perhaps I am on the spectrum somewhere."
Evenings-"I hate my body and how it looks and feels!"
Nighttime-"I really don't think I can do another day of this!"
This is the pattern day after day, after day, and so on and so forth.
I can't do this anymore. Why is my mind torturing me?!
I just want to be like every other person....I don't want to feel like this anymore....I didn't choose this....I want to get rid of it....get rid of these thoughts, feelings, and desires. I am done! I have had enough! I surrender. I surrender to the fact that nothing will change, I will feel like this my whole life. I might as well find a way of coping with it.
Yes! That is the answer! I will find a way of coping with it!
Yet....I sit here typing these things out knowing that I will do nothing. Just sit and languish. Because I have to much fear...I just can't do it. Just can't.
As
@Lori Dee said, what you are experiencing is the definition of gender dysphoria. The fear is preventing you from doing anything about it.
I won't tell you what you must do. It is up to you to decide that. But because the dysphoria and fear are pulling you in opposite directions, it seems to me that you will need help to resolve the conflict.
So I will tell you one thing you should do: talk to your therapist about this. It is possible to overcome (or at least reduce) fear, and it is possible to overcome (or at least reduce) dysphoria. Your therapist should be able to help you find ways to do one or the other or both.
Quote from: treeseeds on December 14, 2024, 06:22:11 PMWhy am I going through this? Why is the mind feeling like this? Why does my body feel wrong? Someone please tell me why I am like this! 😥
.....
Yes! That is the answer! I will find a way of coping with it!
I will echo the thoughts of others, what you are describing sounds really like gender dysphoria. And I also know how hard it is to accept one's own reality. For me after years of painful struggle, I finally started seeing an experienced gender therapist who asked me if I thought I had gender dysphoria. I said, very firmly, no. And then I followed it up really quickly with, um what is gender dysphoria? She described her thoughts on the matter, and I said, well yeah, but everyone thinks those thoughts. Everyone feels that same way at one time or other. Which was when she kindly explained that no most people don't have those same thoughts about their bodies and their gender, but generally most transgender people do. That's kind of when I started to take this whole thing seriously.
I know it is scary. I know it is hard. I know that its not the right thing for everybody. But I'm happy that I stopped fighting myself and just accepted who I am and started to work with it. It's much easier to ride the waves than to get continually pummeled by them while I think I'm keeping myself safe by sitting on the shoreline.
Quote from: Nadine Spirit on December 16, 2024, 12:20:11 PMI will echo the thoughts of others, what you are describing sounds really like gender dysphoria. And I also know how hard it is to accept one's own reality. For me after years of painful struggle, I finally started seeing an experienced gender therapist who asked me if I thought I had gender dysphoria. I said, very firmly, no. And then I followed it up really quickly with, um what is gender dysphoria? She described her thoughts on the matter, and I said, well yeah, but everyone thinks those thoughts. Everyone feels that same way at one time or other. Which was when she kindly explained that no most people don't have those same thoughts about their bodies and their gender, but generally most transgender people do. That's kind of when I started to take this whole thing seriously.
I know it is scary. I know it is hard. I know that its not the right thing for everybody. But I'm happy that I stopped fighting myself and just accepted who I am and started to work with it. It's much easier to ride the waves than to get continually pummeled by them while I think I'm keeping myself safe by sitting on the shoreline.
The struggle is constant. I need to get better at self care when I am going through something like this.
I need to stop texting the crisis line! I'm finding it's of no use to me. Sure it's great to chat with someone. But when I'm feeling fine and the conversation ends I find myself backsliding an hour later. This really isn't helping me move forward. It's a constant whirlwind of emotions! I have answers one hour and the next I don't.
FYI-it's the 988 number in Canada which is the suicide crisis line.
I have an appointment with my therapist this Friday. I'm waiting for a call back from the psychiatrists' office to make a follow up appointment. My family doctor is away so once she's back I will go in to see her to discuss my psychiatry report which gave me the diagnosis of gender dysphoria.
Self loathing and fear. What alternatives are there for ending the suffering?
I HAVE NO PLANS FOR SELF-HARM OR SUICIDE. If I do go into crisis I know where to go for help.
Life is beautiful and precious. I believe in life and all the beautiful things in it.
I can't help but feel that this is just a part of my pattern. If I just hang in there this whole thing will be over in a few weeks and my life will be back to normal. I've experienced this same pattern when it came to gender dysphoria before and it ended; I just need to hold onto my sanity till then...lol
Quote from: treeseeds on December 16, 2024, 01:01:50 PMI've experienced this same pattern when it came to gender dysphoria before and it ended;
...Until it came back. :o
If this is indeed gender dysphoria (and I agree with the others that it sure sounds like it is), it doesn't go away. I hope the talks with your therapists go well and lead you towards some resolution.
Quote from: treeseeds on December 16, 2024, 01:01:50 PMSelf loathing and fear. What alternatives are there for ending the suffering?
Most of us here that found an end for the suffering transitioned and are happier for it. If there was an easier way to end the suffering I think many of us would have chosen that path. There is a reason why today's mental health professionals overwhelmingly endorse transition as opposed to teaching us coping strategies to avoid our reality.
Transitioning won't make anyone's life perfect, but it does allow most of us to want to actually live our lives.
I will say without a doubt, continue to seek professional help. I searched and found a therapist who advertised working with gender dysphoria. That was the best thing for me.
Quote from: Nadine Spirit on December 16, 2024, 12:20:11 PMI will echo the thoughts of others, what you are describing sounds really like gender dysphoria. And I also know how hard it is to accept one's own reality. For me after years of painful struggle, I finally started seeing an experienced gender therapist who asked me if I thought I had gender dysphoria. I said, very firmly, no. And then I followed it up really quickly with, um what is gender dysphoria? She described her thoughts on the matter, and I said, well yeah, but everyone thinks those thoughts. Everyone feels that same way at one time or other. Which was when she kindly explained that no most people don't have those same thoughts about their bodies and their gender, but generally most transgender people do. That's kind of when I started to take this whole thing seriously.
I know it is scary. I know it is hard. I know that its not the right thing for everybody. But I'm happy that I stopped fighting myself and just accepted who I am and started to work with it. It's much easier to ride the waves than to get continually pummeled by them while I think I'm keeping myself safe by sitting on the shoreline.
Kelly had a simple writing that is ditto to what I have discovered. I was scared at first too but now I find myself at peace and feeling like I want to live long and live as I myself!!!! I am still presenting as a male but I feel I am living true to myself. As I progress, I will be true to others. Being true and honest is the greatest stress reliever I ever experienced.
I have been trying to post my story for two personal reasons. First reason is personal for me to find strength in others. Friends here chime in and provide real life friendly criticism so I can find my way. The second reason is I think there could be others that have the similar experience and it will help them feel not so alone. I hope to soon put some more notes in MsLeigh's Story.
Leigh
Quote from: Nadine Spirit on December 16, 2024, 02:13:45 PMMost of us here that found an end for the suffering transitioned and are happier for it. If there was an easier way to end the suffering I think many of us would have chosen that path. There is a reason why today's mental health professionals overwhelmingly endorse transition as opposed to teaching us coping strategies to avoid our reality.
Transitioning won't make anyone's life perfect, but it does allow most of us to want to actually live our lives.
Transitioning-this is what terrifies me....
What if I'm ugly?
What if I lose everything?
What if my wife won't love me?
What if I won't love me?
What if no one will love me?
What if my family and my family of origin doesn't understand me and hates me?
What if I regret it?
What if I'm not transgendered and just have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria?
I am soooo sorry everyone....I'm just...talking in circles and tying myself into knots.
Just so everyone is aware I am not using these posts as a replacement for therapy. I have a very good therapist.
Treeseeds,
I know I don't have the answers for you, but I can share with you the wisdom of my experience and knowledge. It reminds me of an age old dilemma that is referenced in the poem, "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. My journey did take me down the road less taken.
Despite knowing some things about that route going in. It still involved risk that even I really didn't focus on at the time. I knew that in the short term that nothing would really change, but in the long term I really hadn't considered what was in store for me other than being able to transition into my authentic self. One step I started early on was therapy. When I started transiting, I went slow at first to allow those around me time to adjust, before going full speed ahead. One thing this resulted in me needing to do was let my boss know since I knew she would see me out and about and would have questions.
Her response put me at ease early on, but long term I really didn't concern myself with it. Job searching after I got married and was already transitioned was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but I left my self open to what possibilities were out there and stayed true to myself. That confidence allowed me to shine and succeed and what I put my mind to. Now how I looked was something that I did put time in considering.
Estrogen and make up can do a lot when it comes to our looks. It is true that clothing, hair and the accessories help as well. Over time our looks do soften and we find what style and look works for us. Surgery is often one area many turn to when it comes to how things look. I feel important to mention at this point that safeguards are in place to help lessen the chance that someone who isn't transgender transitions. You will know if it is right for you or not as you go along. Rest assured you won't do any lasting change to your body before you are able to figure out if you are trans or not and if this is right for you or not. So take your time until you are more certain.
I know you are concerned about having gender dysphoria, but not being transgender. As a general rule, if you have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria then you are transgender. Now when it comes to support around us in regards to our being transgender that can differ for each of us. I transitioned when I was away from most family already and I married after transitioning. As far as having a spouse before transition, the results differ greatly. Only you and your spouse can anwser that question.
It is something you both have to be honest with yourselves about and how either of you feel about it may change over time. My spouse transitioned after we were married although I knew that my spouse would eventually transition. We closer to each other now than we were when we got married, but it did take me time to adjust to the change in the relationship. Neither of us lost family, but some restrictions were placed on my spouse at first by family where we live. At the end of the day, it really comes down to how much the responses of those around you matter and what choices you make as a result of that. Some will leave everyone in the dust and start a new while others only transition to a point for different reasons depending on what they need at the end of the day.
Only you can determine what is right for you, but that is also where therapy comes in to help you work threw concerns that come up as you move along regardless of what choices you make at the end of the day. Don't be sorry, there is nothing wrong about have questions like these. It's completely normal to have questions like these and others as you move along. Anyways I hope that this helps. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: treeseeds on December 16, 2024, 03:52:57 PMTransitioning-this is what terrifies me....
What if I'm ugly?
What if I lose everything?
What if my wife won't love me?
What if I won't love me?
What if no one will love me?
What if my family and my family of origin doesn't understand me and hates me?
What if I regret it?
What if I'm not transgendered and just have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria?
I am soooo sorry everyone....I'm just...talking in circles and tying myself into knots.
Just so everyone is aware I am not using these posts as a replacement for therapy. I have a very good therapist.
Transitioning is not easy. At least, it has not been easy for me. However not transitioning may have been harder still.
I am woman, but I do not roar. 🎶
Chrissy
I think we all, those of us who transition or who consider whether or not to transition, have faced these questions. I would encourage you not to treat them as rhetorical questions. Try to actually answer them. Talk over your answers with your therapists.
Quote from: treeseeds on December 16, 2024, 03:52:57 PMWhat if I'm not transgendered and just have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria?
While some transgender people say they do not experience dysphoria (I'll take their word for it, but I am skeptical), I have never heard of a diagnosis of gender dysphoria in a person who was not transgender.
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 16, 2024, 06:56:45 PMI think we all, those of us who transition or who consider whether or not to transition, have faced these questions. I would encourage you not to treat them as rhetorical questions. Try to actually answer them. Talk over your answers with your therapists.
While some transgender people say they do not experience dysphoria (I'll take their word for it, but I am skeptical), I have never heard of a diagnosis of gender dysphoria in a person who was not transgender.
Exactly this.
Some transgender people do not have dysphoria, so may or may not transition. Dysphoria means that this uncomfortable feeling is disrupting your life in some way. Only transgender people have gender dysphoria, the uncomfortable feeling that their body does not match who they feel they are.
If you have read my story, you know that I had the same thoughts and asked the same questions. Even after my psychologist answered my questions, I had doubts... which led to more questions. Eventually, I began to see what he saw, and what prior therapists saw, and I began to connect the dots. I began to see how this affected my behavior, my relationships, and my ways of thinking. It took time, but it finally made sense.
Quote from: treeseeds on December 16, 2024, 03:52:57 PMTransitioning-this is what terrifies me....
What if ......
There are lots of shades of transition. I initially had no intention of transitioning. I knew I had gender issues, I just didn't think I needed to transition. But I knew I had to do something as I was kind of at a bit of a breaking point. I forced myself to do just two things, 1 - got an experienced gender therapist 2 - changed my hormones.
I know that hormones can seem like a huge change, but initially, in the short term, they are very benign. However they can give a bit of direction. My friend and I both changed our hormones at about the same time. For me it was a huge step that said YES, this is so totally for me. For my friend it was a huge step that said NO, and she stopped. Point being it helped both of us to figure ourselves out, and it took me a few days, my friend took a few months. It felt silly that I hadn't been willing to just try that sooner.
Many people change their hormones and that is all they do. That's all I did for the first year. Over that year my perspectives on things shifted for both my wife and I. I chose to continue further down the transition path as I knew without a doubt it was what was right. But I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't been willing to risk that first step of changing my hormones.
Quote from: Nadine Spirit on December 16, 2024, 08:35:01 PMFor me it was a huge step that said YES, this is so totally for me. For my friend it was a huge step that said NO, and she stopped. Point being it helped both of us to figure ourselves out, and it took me a few days, my friend took a few months.
One of the questions I finally asked my psychologist was if there was some kind of test I could take that would prove that I was transgender. He said, "Yes!" The test was to start on a 30-day trial period of the hormones. If you feel bad in any way, you stop immediately and they look for some other answer to your problems. For me, I felt great. I knew that THIS IS IT!
So, Kelly, you did the test without realizing it was a test. ;D
Quote from: Nadine Spirit on December 16, 2024, 08:35:01 PMThere are lots of shades of transition. I initially had no intention of transitioning. I knew I had gender issues, I just didn't think I needed to transition. But I knew I had to do something as I was kind of at a bit of a breaking point. I forced myself to do just two things, 1 - got an experienced gender therapist 2 - changed my hormones.
I know that hormones can seem like a huge change, but initially, in the short term, they are very benign. However they can give a bit of direction. My friend and I both changed our hormones at about the same time. For me it was a huge step that said YES, this is so totally for me. For my friend it was a huge step that said NO, and she stopped. Point being it helped both of us to figure ourselves out, and it took me a few days, my friend took a few months. It felt silly that I hadn't been willing to just try that sooner.
Many people change their hormones and that is all they do. That's all I did for the first year. Over that year my perspectives on things shifted for both my wife and I. I chose to continue further down the transition path as I knew without a doubt it was what was right. But I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't been willing to risk that first step of changing my hormones.
If I understand you correctly you started hormones to see how you felt on them?
Is it okay if I ask you more about your experience?
I do have gynecomastia. I'm actually a 40c in bra size and I actually need to wear one for skin integrity issues. Happy accident there....lol I have heard that people with gynecomastia will experience breast growth faster.
After one year what changes did you notice?
Did you reach a point where you could no longer be in boy mode?
I have so many questions...lol What were the changes you noticed after 1 month, 2 months...ect?
Quote from: Lori Dee on December 16, 2024, 08:50:00 PMOne of the questions I finally asked my psychologist was if there was some kind of test I could take that would prove that I was transgender. He said, "Yes!" The test was to start on a 30-day trial period of the hormones. If you feel bad in any way, you stop immediately and they look for some other answer to your problems. For me, I felt great. I knew that THIS IS IT!
So, Kelly, you did the test without realizing it was a test. ;D
Can you go into more details about your experience? What changes did you notice after one month? At what point did you realize that you could no longer be in boy mode?
What was your timeline like for when you started noticing changes?
I am contemplating trying a 1 month trial period to see how I feel.
Okay.
For some reason the feeling of not wanting to transition did lessen this morning. And the feeling of it not being for me did decrease. Objectively I see this, but subjectively I feel like I need to investigate this more.
Like Kelly (@Nadine Spirit), I knew I was near a breaking point and that I had to do something. And like her, I saw a therapist, had my dysphoria officially diagnosed, and started hormones.
The biggest change I noticed, almost immediately, was a big reduction in stress. I hadn't realized just how much "boy mode" had been a performance. For 62 years, I had been on stage 24/7, without a script!! That stress disappeared, and I felt relief that I was finally doing something about it.
I knew within the first couple of weeks that I would not be going back. Which was just as well, because by about one month in my breasts were starting to wake up and grow. I guessed, fairly accurately as it turned out, that I had about three months before I would start to "male-fail". I came out to friends and colleagues three months to the day after I started hormones, and have been full-time ever since.
Quote from: treeseeds on December 17, 2024, 08:59:31 AMCan you go into more details about your experience? What changes did you notice after one month? At what point did you realize that you could no longer be in boy mode?
What was your timeline like for when you started noticing changes?
I am contemplating trying a 1 month trial period to see how I feel.
At one month I only noticed that I felt better. I was happy, always in a good mood, and slept well. Breast development kicks in at about the six-month+ timeframe so I went full-time right away. The breast development was much less than I expected and I continued to argue with my doctors that my hormone levels were too low. (Details are in The Story of Lori).
Eventually, I got them to listen to me and switched around my meds. Now my levels are where they should be and development has started again... after four years of arguing with doctors.
I did a LOT of research on hormones and how they act upon the various receptors. I studied the various medications that are typically prescribed. What I discovered is that the "standard protocol" for medications was almost ten years old. So I brought my research to my doctors and made them look at it.
My current Gynecologist listened. She agreed that my protocol made sense based upon recent studies and she agreed to let me try it. The results have been wonderful, so I reported back to her that every MtF transgender who wishes hormone therapy should be on this protocol if their medical history allows it. I have none of the risk factors that are typically warned about, and some of them are complete nonsense when you actually read the studies.
Here at Susan's, we are not doctors, so we do not give medical advice and we do not discuss dosages of specific medications. But if you read my story, you will begin to see what I faced and how I overcame it.
Your Mileage May Vary.
Quote from: Lori Dee on December 17, 2024, 05:09:44 PMAt one month I only noticed that I felt better. I was happy, always in a good mood, and slept well. Breast development kicks in at about the six-month+ timeframe so I went full-time right away. The breast development was much less than I expected and I continued to argue with my doctors that my hormone levels were too low. (Details are in The Story of Lori).
Eventually, I got them to listen to me and switched around my meds. Now my levels are where they should be and development has started again... after four years of arguing with doctors.
I did a LOT of research on hormones and how they act upon the various receptors. I studied the various medications that are typically prescribed. What I discovered is that the "standard protocol" for medications was almost ten years old. So I brought my research to my doctors and made them look at it.
My current Gynecologist listened. She agreed that my protocol made sense based upon recent studies and she agreed to let me try it. The results have been wonderful, so I reported back to her that every MtF transgender who wishes hormone therapy should be on this protocol if their medical history allows it. I have none of the risk factors that are typically warned about, and some of them are complete nonsense when you actually read the studies.
Here at Susan's, we are not doctors, so we do not give medical advice and we do not discuss dosages of specific medications. But if you read my story, you will begin to see what I faced and how I overcame it.
Your Mileage May Vary.
I do have gynecomastia. I actually wear a 40c bra to prevent skin breakdown. I wonder if that would quicken breast development?
Yes! I totally hear you about the medical advice part! I work in social services/health care so I totally get it!
Gynecomastia can indeed aid in breast development. I know for my spouse that was exactly the case, but your milage may very. Each of us is different and individual so only time will tell if that is the case for you. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: treeseeds on December 17, 2024, 05:42:00 PMI do have gynecomastia. I actually wear a 40c bra to prevent skin breakdown. I wonder if that would quicken breast development?
Yes! I totally hear you about the medical advice part! I work in social services/health care so I totally get it!
Wearing a bra may not make your breasts larger but they may make them look larger.
Chrissy
Quote from: treeseeds on December 17, 2024, 08:55:25 AMIf I understand you correctly you started hormones to see how you felt on them?
Is it okay if I ask you more about your experience?
After one year what changes did you notice?
Did you reach a point where you could no longer be in boy mode?
I have so many questions...lol What were the changes you noticed after 1 month, 2 months...ect?
Yes it is okay to ask anything you'd like about my experience. Whatever I say though is just my personal experience and everyone's different.
Yes I initially changed my hormones to just give it a try. I was tired of the endless mental battles I was having about whether or not it was the right thing for me. And on whether or not that I was transgender. And whether or not I needed to transition. It was kind of my way of saying, good golly self just stop it already and get out there and try it.
After one year what did I notice? Well you're probably asking more about physical changes, but the biggest change at one year was that I legally and socially chose to transition. It wasn't because I had become so amazingly feminine that I had to transition. It was because by that point I knew for sure this is what I wanted to do and more importantly, who I really am.
Okay physical change timeline....... I first noticed my nipples getting bigger, that was within the first month or two. Then I felt definite breast buds by like 2nd or 3rd month. Oh my skin lost its super oiliness around then too and my body odor began to change. By about 6 months I noticed my body hair growing more slowly, my skin was getting thinner, way less oily, body odor totally different, breasts visibly developing. Mentally I was fully shifting around during this time as well. I was way happier. My wife and I were getting along. I was doing better at my job. At the end of the first year not much else had really changed. My breasts were a bit larger, but not much more. My skin was thinner. And that was about it.
It was kind of anti-climatic. But the mental changes were huge and eye-opening and way more dramatic than I thought. And the changes in my relationship with my wife was huge as well.
Okay, so did I ever reach a point where I couldn't present as male? In my opinion, no. In my wife's opinion yes. But see, by saying that I ever reached a point that I couldn't present as male, what am I saying? What does that say about trans men? Is there something so special about estrogen that makes it impossible to present as male? I say no. I really think that if someone really wanted to they could change their hormones and still present as male for as long as they would like.
It is wonderful after you have breasts as they are affirming.
But breasts are not everything.
Softer feeling skin appears and some patches of fat appear where they were not there before.
I remember that the front of my thighs became more rounded. I have not seen a significant widening though of the hips. My waist dropped in size, although weight gain occurred that I learned to counteract over time and am actually a little lighter.
My top of the head hair has always been thick so HRT has not done anything for that, although Finasteride probably has helped keep it full. Body hair below the neck lightened.
No change to voice because of MTF HRT.
Chrissy
My experience was at the start of HRT, my mood changed. Gone was the battle of wanting to do this and the self hate, I was finally starting my journey. The first real physical changes I began to see was that my skin changed and I cut and bruised more easily. Finger nails became brittle. At 3 months the loss of muscle mass started to become apparent. My once muscular arms were getting thin. (I loved it!). Breast buds formed and nipples got real sore. Real breast growth is just now occurring at 2 years. Full C cup. I love them and play with them constantly. Lack of T and higher E since bottom surgery probably helps. Longer hair and a more rounded face would make for a male fail at this point. But to present as male now would be silly.
Thank you everyone! I appreciate you sharing some of what you went through!
My morning was interesting! It started off with the usual self loathing and feeling that whatever I am feeling is a lie. Also being thankful that I never transitioned earlier in life 🤣. I'm actually starting to laugh at the ridiculousness of this pattern...it feels so weird that my mind is doing this is!
Any who. So I am driving to work after dropping off my daughter. And for some reason I start thinking about fashion Choices for outdoorsy clothing styles for women and I get excited thinking about it! *le sigh*
Of course I get mad at myself because I had earlier decided that staying with the way my body looks would be better for me long term.
This is starting to get funny, as in funny "haha". 😆
My morning,
I woke up without one degree of not wanting to transition.
My appointment with my therapist went well! She pointed out to me that I am taking baby steps towards transitioning. I will be honest about this; I have been. I have been doing things like wearing a bra every day.
Today I have been thinking about developing a female body and it gives me the warm fuzzies. During my therapy session I also used my female name for the first time.
So that is where it is at! This is a marathon, not a race...lol I am not forcing anything, I am exploring what all this means, and not judging myself. We will see what the future brings!
You have the right attitude. Just see where it goes. If something doesn't feel right, just stop and go another way. When you find your path, it will feel right.