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What would you do as a actively transitioning MTF if your sweetie did not want you attend a party or event with her as yourself, that is, in trying to eliminate odd moments of gender confusion of yourself by others, or to try to avoid any uncomfortableness of the other attendees, she asks you to attend not as female but as male?

You are a couple, but she has not said that to these guests, she has mentioned you as a very good friend, because she is uneasy of what others may think if they knew you are MTF.  She treats you otherwise as the woman you are besides this request.

She has not come out as a lesbian and you are a MTF translesbian.  You are not male fail, but you can pass often but not as often as you desire, you sound more male than female, you are non Op, and you work full time as female and there you are accepted as a female. 

You have talked about this before and after the event and you two have had attended counseling. 

What would you do? 

Chrissy

If I can't go as a female, then neither can she.

Her discomfort is too much so I would not attend.

Hi Chrissy

To me you are a female who wants more and your writings indicate this.  So the answer to the poll from me is one of the two solutions.  Go in defiance or Do not go.  Your hypothetical you presented a while, gave an indication of what you should do.

My heart goes out for you, you are a beautiful, kind and with a wonderful personality to match.  You deserve to be happy, however the situation you are in is not conducive to your happiness.  Yes, you love your partner and she loves you.  However, on this issue you are diagrammatically opposed.

I don't know what it's like to be in this situation, if I know what I know now, as much as it would hurt me I would leave.  This situation cannot go on longer, it's not going anywhere.

I chose the second one, because of the statement "I'm actively transitioning" and the defiance option allows that aspect of it.  The option "Don't go" does nothing to really solve the situation.

Take care and I wish you all the best for the future

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator

This would be a toughie for anyone in this situation, for sure.

Sometimes it is hard in life to see all points of view for a situation, but it is often very helpful, as in debating, to thoroughly try to understand each viewpoint and reasoning.

Then again. . .  Something called feelings come into the picture.

So I go back and say that this would be a toughie for anyone in this situation, for sure.

Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on December 21, 2024, 01:51:51 PMWhat would you do as a actively transitioning MTF if your sweetie did not want you attend a party or event with her as yourself, that is, in trying to eliminate odd moments of gender confusion of yourself by others, or to try to avoid any uncomfortableness of the other attendees, she asks you to attend not as female but as male?

You are a couple, but she has not said that to these guests, she has mentioned you as a very good friend, because she is uneasy of what others may think if they knew you are MTF.  She treats you otherwise as the woman you are besides this request.

She has not come out as a lesbian and you are a MTF translesbian.  You are not male fail, but you can pass often but not as often as you desire, you sound more male than female, you are non Op, and you work full time as female and there you are accepted as a female. 

You have talked about this before and after the event and you two have had attended counseling. 

What would you do? 

Chrissy

If she hasn't told these people that you are a couple, then why would it matter whether she was out as a lesbian or not? I voted for the last option because I think it is a complicated situation and only the people involved can really understand the mechanics behind it.

I think the thing that kind of would bother me most, if it were me, would be this:

QuoteShe treats you otherwise as the woman you are besides this request.

Because if I thought about it, I would be like "Well no, she treats me how she thinks I want to be treated as long as it's convenient and doesn't cause issues for her."

Being who you are isn't something you can easily just turn on and off at will. And it's not... hmm.. if someone was willing to see me sometimes, then I would want them to see me all the time. Not just when it doesn't force them to have to deal with how people not in our relationship might feel. Because that, for me, takes most of the sincerity out of it, so they might as well not bother. That's how I would feel.

I would talk about it more.

You say this person hasn't come out as lesbian. In this relationship, is this person happy to see themselves that way, as long as no one else knows about it? If so then... a conversation about fear of the unknown and what the relationship, if it follows its course, will likely lead to eventually, needs to take place. Everyone is scared of taking leaps of faith. What the relationship is, what it means, and... yeah, where both people want it to go.

One thing is rarely one thing. It's dropping a pebble into a lake. One pebble... ripples that affect everything. That would be my thought process.

*hugs*

Quote from: Sephirah on December 21, 2024, 03:49:17 PMIf she hasn't told these people that you are a couple, then why would it matter whether she was out as a lesbian or not? I voted for the last option because I think it is a complicated situation and only the people involved can really understand the mechanics behind it.

I think the thing that kind of would bother me most, if it were me, would be this:

Because if I thought about it, I would be like "Well no, she treats me how she thinks I want to be treated as long as it's convenient and doesn't cause issues for her."

Being who you are isn't something you can easily just turn on and off at will. And it's not... hmm.. if someone was willing to see me sometimes, then I would want them to see me all the time. Not just when it doesn't force them to have to deal with how people not in our relationship might feel. Because that, for me, takes most of the sincerity out of it, so they might as well not bother. That's how I would feel.

I would talk about it more.

You say this person hasn't come out as lesbian. In this relationship, is this person happy to see themselves that way, as long as no one else knows about it? If so then... a conversation about fear of the unknown and what the relationship, if it follows its course, will likely lead to eventually, needs to take place. Everyone is scared of taking leaps of faith. What the relationship is, what it means, and... yeah, where both people want it to go.

One thing is rarely one thing. It's dropping a pebble into a lake. One pebble... ripples that affect everything. That would be my thought process.

*hugs*

Sephirah,

Again your comments are very much to the point and are sensible for this couple.

Keep posting your wisdom.

Hugs,

Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on December 21, 2024, 01:51:51 PMWhat would you do as a actively transitioning MTF if your sweetie ..... asks you to attend not as female but as male?

I wouldn't go and our relationship would be over simply because she asked for that. But see, that's assuming that I'm one of the ones in the relationship and I wouldn't allow myself to be in this sort of situation in the first place.

I do have to say your what if situation here seems rather specific.

Quote from: Nadine Spirit on December 21, 2024, 04:43:58 PMI wouldn't go and our relationship would be over simply because she asked for that. But see, that's assuming that I'm one of the ones in the relationship and I wouldn't allow myself to be in this sort of situation in the first place.

I do have to say your what if situation here seems rather specific.

Yes, that makes sense Kelly.

I read an article that a gay man would not babysit for his sister because she did not want him to ever bring with him to any gathering his male partner.  That is how he dealt with the snub of his partner.

In this case the transitioning woman reluctantly went but did not try to present as male or female and no pronouns were used at the event for her.  This was after expressing distaste for the request.  She said she would not do that again though.  She thought that this was a situation that could be overcome in time as she does like how she is treated in this relationship in all other situations besides this request to attend presenting as a male.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on December 22, 2024, 07:40:16 AM..... she does like how she is treated in this relationship in all other situations besides this request to attend presenting as a male.

I think the part that is hard for me to understand with this situation is that the phrase "actively transitioning" means different things for different people.

I changed my hormones in 2017, but I don't consider that to be the start of my transition, though I suppose there are others that would think of that as their start. I don't see me as actively transitioning until a year later, 2018, that I legally changed my name and gender and I began presenting as me everywhere, all the time, to everyone, wife, family, work, everything. So for me, in that situation, to be asked to not present as myself by my wife would clearly imply that she is not comfortable with me and who I am. Thus my initial response.

But again, transition can mean different things to different people. And I applaud anyone trying to do whatever it takes to help the transition continue and the relationship to thrive. If compromise is what it takes, then compromise away. Again, for me, I will compromise a lot, but once I reached the stage that I knew who I was, I chose that I wasn't ever going to compromise on who I am again. 

Quote from: Nadine Spirit on December 22, 2024, 01:21:46 PMI think the part that is hard for me to understand with this situation is that the phrase "actively transitioning" means different things for different people.

I changed my hormones in 2017, but I don't consider that to be the start of my transition, though I suppose there are others that would think of that as their start. I don't see me as actively transitioning until a year later, 2018, that I legally changed my name and gender and I began presenting as me everywhere, all the time, to everyone, wife, family, work, everything. So for me, in that situation, to be asked to not present as myself by my wife would clearly imply that she is not comfortable with me and who I am. Thus my initial response.

But again, transition can mean different things to different people. And I applaud anyone trying to do whatever it takes to help the transition continue and the relationship to thrive. If compromise is what it takes, then compromise away. Again, for me, I will compromise a lot, but once I reached the stage that I knew who I was, I chose that I wasn't ever going to compromise on who I am again. 

Yes, you are right that each of us transitioning may have a differing definition of "actively transitioning."

There should be some give and take in relationships for sure.  What are "show stoppers" would vary for us too. 

Chrissy

I am usually reluctant to make others uncomfortable. My neighbour has a fiance that probably isn't that comfortable with me as female even though he does try. If he comes up to her apartment I will dress neutrally but if he comes to my apartment then he'll just have to suck it up. I still prefer to use a family restroom rather than the women's restroom. Out in public I am less worried about making people uncomfortable as I have mostly worn skirts for the past year or so though winter it just gets too cold at times.

There have been many good thoughts and perspectives shared here.

Chrissy

Keep on sharing your comments here as well at the many other threads which are posted here at this Web site.  Lots of people may be helped in some way by your efforts of posting what may be helpful information or opinions. 

Back when I was "actively transitioning", i.e. presenting part-time as female, part-time as male, I would respect my Sweetie's wishes on something like that.  I trust and respect her judgement, as she does mine.

But once my social transition was done, i.e. presenting full-time female, that was it: no more boy-mode.  All my boy clothes went to the thrift store or the trash.  She, of course, was fine with that, because we had talked about it. 

Hypothetically, had we still been dating, if she had objected to my going out in girl mode, that would have been it for the relationship.

My trouble is that I am your typical Scorpio woman. I don't take orders from other people. Probably why I've never been married, lol. Well, no, that's not true. I came close but I don't want to talk about that. The point is I can be very strong willed. And if I don't believe something is fair, or right, or makes sense to me... you've about as much chance of getting me to do it as to dance in a nightclub wearing a candyfloss thong. Not gonna happen. It puts a lot of people off, but oh well.

And yes... I do own a whip and handcuffs :P

Quote from: Sephirah on December 28, 2024, 05:40:26 PMAnd yes... I do own a whip and handcuffs :P

You had me at "candy floss thong".  ;D

Quote from: Lori Dee on December 28, 2024, 05:59:37 PMYou had me at "candy floss thong".  ;D

ROFL!!

You just made me giggle so hard, Lori. Thank you. <3

Quote from: Lori Dee on December 28, 2024, 05:59:37 PMYou had me at "candy floss thong".  ;D

Not much there to comment on.  Literally. 

Hi All

Quote from: Lori Dee on December 28, 2024, 05:59:37 PMYou had me at "candy floss thong".  ;D

I shuddered at the thought, the image was too much for me!

:police: Now keep this nice and clean please :police:

;D  :o  ::)  :-*

Hugs all around
Sarah B

Thanks for commenting on this thread.


Chrissy

I cannot answer this. My spouse never put me in that situation.

Have I not attended events to avoid issue? Yes, but not because of her. She never once asked me to not be myself.

Quote from: Faith on January 17, 2025, 05:26:49 AMI cannot answer this. My spouse never put me in that situation.

Have I not attended events to avoid issue? Yes, but not because of her. She never once asked me to not be myself.

Faith,

That makes sense, and is sensible.


Chrissy