I have DID (dissociative identity disorder) and I have alters who are cis as well as ones who are trans like myself. I feel less trans because of it. I know I'm "just as valid as anyone else" but it feels like I'm not because of my did. Any advice? And if you also have DID alters who are cis then how do you manage it?
When I was much younger, I experienced fugue states similar to DID but they were generally lumped together under a seizure disorder diagnosis (which, for whatever reason, substantially resolved during my 30's). I'm not aware of a correlation between DID and gender variance (except as you've already noted adding 'alters' may increase gender variant probabilities). Maybe TanyaG can add something of value to the discussion but, if nothing else, it piques my curiousity. For you, the question is far less academic. I wish you all the best, Adrian, in managing alters while embracing your variance.
My girlfriend has DID and some of her alters present as masc leaning. She (the host) is very high femme with Sapphic attractions. All I can do is give her and her "parts" a safe space to explore her relationships with herself and her gender identities from a loving place without judgment. Other than her therapist, I am the only one in her life who knows she has DID. I understand how complicated living with DID can be. If you ever want to chat in a less public space please DM me.
Quote from: Zoey Addisyn on May 07, 2025, 10:01:47 PMMy girlfriend has DID and some of her alters present as masc leaning. She (the host) is very high femme with Sapphic attractions. All I can do is give her and her "parts" a safe space to explore her relationships with herself and her gender identities from a loving place without judgment. Other than her therapist, I am the only one in her life who knows she has DID. I understand how complicated living with DID can be. If you ever want to chat in a less public space please DM me.
Only two people know about my DID, my daughter and a close friend, and I don't exactly know what to make of it. I(the host) am trans and know that fully, yet the others aren't all trans themselves. The ones who are aren't all transmasc either. It just makes me feel like the body as a whole is just a jambled mess.
Dissociation is a basic protection mechanism that's probably found throughout the animal kingdom, basically as an insulation from trauma, physical or psychological. So trans people are at quite high risk of DID, because we experience so much discrimination and also because most of us have at least some degree of internalised transphobia, whether we're aware of it or not. The dissociation is a response to our continuing mental trauma.
So it's complicated but understandable and in a way almost rational. It tends to be most frequent in people who've either been subject to more rejection than 'normal,' people who've repressed their suspicions they are trans, or people who grow up in highly gendered environments.
I'm not sure if that helps, but it's also why some people experience the kind of fractional DID Adrian's talking of.
Quote from: Adrian26 on May 08, 2025, 06:54:34 AMOnly two people know about my DID, my daughter and a close friend, and I don't exactly know what to make of it. I(the host) am trans and know that fully, yet the others aren't all trans themselves. The ones who are aren't all transmasc either. It just makes me feel like the body as a whole is just a jambled mess.
Have you talked to a therapist about your DID? My girlfriend has one that specializes in DID and it has helped her understand what is happening in her head better. I also recommend checking out the YouTube channel "DissociaDID" (I'm not allowed to post links but if you search youtube it will pop up).
Quote from: TanyaG on May 08, 2025, 08:05:49 AMDissociation is a basic protection mechanism that's probably found throughout the animal kingdom, basically as an insulation from trauma, physical or psychological. So trans people are at quite high risk of DID, because we experience so much discrimination and also because most of us have at least some degree of internalised transphobia, whether we're aware of it or not. The dissociation is a response to our continuing mental trauma.
So it's complicated but understandable and in a way almost rational. It tends to be most frequent in people who've either been subject to more rejection than 'normal,' people who've repressed their suspicions they are trans, or people who grow up in highly gendered environments.
I'm not sure if that helps, but it's also why some people experience the kind of fractional DID Adrian's talking of.
Thanks for explaining! I didn't know how to word it. It's nice to know that some people go through the same thing
Quote from: Zoey Addisyn on May 08, 2025, 09:18:59 AMHave you talked to a therapist about your DID? My girlfriend has one that specializes in DID and it has helped her understand what is happening in her head better. I also recommend checking out the YouTube channel "DissociaDID" (I'm not allowed to post links but if you search youtube it will pop up).
I haven't told a therapist about it. And I'll be sure to look into that channel!!
Ok so I kinda told the gang and apparently everyone wants to front and get to know everyone bc y'all seem nice to them. If anyone doesn't really like that then please let me know before I let anyone talk on here because everyone is very excited
Hi everyone!!!
Quote from: Adrian26 on May 08, 2025, 10:06:59 AMThanks for explaining! I didn't know how to word it. It's nice to know that some people go through the same thing
It's uncommon generally, but there are certain groups of people where if someone doesn't have it, I've almost felt like asking why not, if you know what I mean? So from my POV everyone's welcome.
Quote from: TanyaG on May 10, 2025, 02:42:36 PMIt's uncommon generally, but there are certain groups of people where if someone doesn't have it, I've almost felt like asking why not, if you know what I mean? So from my POV everyone's welcome.
Well thanks, Adrian was worried y'all wouldn't necessarily like us
Quote from: Adrian26 on May 10, 2025, 03:17:46 PMWell thanks, Adrian was worried y'all wouldn't necessarily like us
It will be a pleasure to get to know all of you eventually. 🤗
Hi Everyone Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is a way the mind responds to intense stress. When faced with severe trauma, separate identity states, or alters, can emerge. Each of these alters has its own unique memories and emotions but they all share the same body and life. For instance, if one alter identifies as male and another as female, it may lead to confusion about which identity is the "real" one. However, it's important to recognize that every alter is valid; each one developed to protect the individual.
Therapy plays a crucial role in understanding DID and exploring any questions related to Gender Identity (GI). A compassionate therapist can facilitate conversations between you and your alters, help you sort through your feelings about GI, shed light on what those feelings mean and teach you practical coping skills for dealing with life's challenges at home or school.
If you are using family insurance, you can request some private time during sessions with your therapist. Professional ethics usually protect discussions of sensitive topics, meaning your therapist won't share details with your parent unless there's an immediate safety concern. This confidential environment is vital for exploring your GI while addressing the needs of your various alters in a supportive way.
When I transformed my own life, I was so caught up in managing practical details like work, housing, paperwork and daily chores that I did not have the time to ponder every potential "what ifs," "what's next," or even "what feels right." Keeping busy prevented me from dwelling on doubts, allowing me to move forward with my new life.
Having a full schedule, whether it's through studying, volunteering, or playing sports can offer similar relief today by keeping your focus on the present. Pursuing education will not only enhance your life in the long run by opening doors to new opportunities but also help build your self-confidence. With consistent professional support and an active lifestyle, the lingering question of "What now?" can morph into manageable next steps that align with your situation and values.
Best Wishes AlwaysSarah BGlobal Moderator@Adrian26
Quote from: Sarah B on May 10, 2025, 06:42:19 PMHi Everyone
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is a way the mind responds to intense stress. When faced with severe trauma, separate identity states, or alters, can emerge.
QuoteTherapy plays a crucial role in understanding DID and exploring any questions related to Gender Identity (GI). A compassionate therapist can facilitate conversations between you and your alters, help you sort through your feelings about GI, shed light on what those feelings mean and teach you practical coping skills for dealing with life's challenges at home or school.
Thank you, Sarah! 💗
~ Lilis 🫂
Quote from: Sarah B on May 10, 2025, 06:42:19 PMHi Everyone
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is a way the mind responds to intense stress. When faced with severe trauma, separate identity states, or alters, can emerge. Each of these alters has its own unique memories and emotions but they all share the same body and life. For instance, if one alter identifies as male and another as female, it may lead to confusion about which identity is the "real" one. However, it's important to recognize that every alter is valid; each one developed to protect the individual.
Therapy plays a crucial role in understanding DID and exploring any questions related to Gender Identity (GI). A compassionate therapist can facilitate conversations between you and your alters, help you sort through your feelings about GI, shed light on what those feelings mean and teach you practical coping skills for dealing with life's challenges at home or school.
If you are using family insurance, you can request some private time during sessions with your therapist. Professional ethics usually protect discussions of sensitive topics, meaning your therapist won't share details with your parent unless there's an immediate safety concern. This confidential environment is vital for exploring your GI while addressing the needs of your various alters in a supportive way.
When I transformed my own life, I was so caught up in managing practical details like work, housing, paperwork and daily chores that I did not have the time to ponder every potential "what ifs," "what's next," or even "what feels right." Keeping busy prevented me from dwelling on doubts, allowing me to move forward with my new life.
Having a full schedule, whether it's through studying, volunteering, or playing sports can offer similar relief today by keeping your focus on the present. Pursuing education will not only enhance your life in the long run by opening doors to new opportunities but also help build your self-confidence. With consistent professional support and an active lifestyle, the lingering question of "What now?" can morph into manageable next steps that align with your situation and values.
Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Adrian26
We're definitely keeping busy, but we'll hopefully start therapy in a year once we're more settled in what we actually need and want
Quote from: Annaliese on May 10, 2025, 04:10:54 PMIt will be a pleasure to get to know all of you eventually. 🤗
I'm sure we'll all get to know y'all eventually!!!!
So apparently y'all know about Adrian and us so here goes nothing. I'm Dominic, I'm 18 and dating Adrian, I'm also in the system. I love him, but I don't know how to make him feel seen and like he's a guy to me and not just his body. He's always in baggy clothes and putting a pillow in front of his chest because he doesn't like it. I think he's the most handsome man ever and I tell him that constantly, but he just doesn't believe it. How do I support him during his transition?
Hi Adrian and Dominic! We are also a system. I am Amanda. On this publicly viewable site, we call our host Maleme instead of our male birth name that he uses. We also have a little who calls herself Sheila. We hope to meet the others of you soon.
We have not been as active here for a while as we were dealing more with the trauma and DID and less with our transness. Over the past 10 years, we have been sorting in therapy out how much is trauma and how much is gender that we would have if the trauma did not happen.
Managing dysphoria and the different gender-related needs between us is indeed a challenge which falls mostly on me as the one who handles emotional things for the system and is the mediator between the others. This is particularly hard on Maleme who took a long time to accept our transness. He hoped so much that everything was a trauma response like wanting a different body because we would have not to feel the pain and other things that could be cured with therapy.
As Sheila finally felt safe enough around Maleme, she started talking about herself and told us her name which really surprised Maleme. Hearing how she tried to tell our parents we are a girl around 4 or 5 and was so scared by their reaction that she hid away hit Maleme in the gut. We knew Sheila carried most of the shame and the most traumatic memories, but did not realized how much more dysphoric she is than me-Amanda.
One of the key ways we handle all of this is making time for each of us to be onstage (our image for fronting). We usually have some time to wear dresses or skirts and blouses most days which requires negotiating with our wife who is tolerant, but not accepting. Sheila takes care of our cat and we make time for knitting and other crafting for her.
Having to go back into the office most workdays has been rough. We are out to our immediate boss who has a trans daughter, but not to others there. We make time where Maleme can give up being downstage for short breaks. Sheila in particular needs this as seeing women wearing things Sheila and I would like to wear makes here extremely jealous. She needs a minute to self-talk about how much she wants to be in a dress and be in a female body.
But, above all, we need to be gracious towards each other which has been difficult for Maleme.
To all the parts reading this:
Thank you all so much for sharing your stories so openly, for being here and for all the effort you put into caring for each other.
That kind of inner support and collaboration is powerful and inspiring.
With warmth,
~ Lilis 💗
Quote from: Adrian26 on May 10, 2025, 03:17:46 PMWell thanks, Adrian was worried y'all wouldn't necessarily like us
Anyone who puts a post like that clearly has to be worth knowing!
Quote from: Adrian26 on May 11, 2025, 09:27:57 AMI think he's the most handsome man ever and I tell him that constantly, but he just doesn't believe it. How do I support him during his transition?
Maybe the best way is by helping him to believe in himself? Boosting his self confidence will do more than anything to keep him good.
Quote from: Amanda500 on May 11, 2025, 06:22:41 PMHi Adrian and Dominic! We are also a system. I am Amanda. On this publicly viewable site, we call our host Maleme instead of our male birth name that he uses. We also have a little who calls herself Sheila. We hope to meet the others of you soon.
We have not been as active here for a while as we were dealing more with the trauma and DID and less with our transness. Over the past 10 years, we have been sorting in therapy out how much is trauma and how much is gender that we would have if the trauma did not happen.
Managing dysphoria and the different gender-related needs between us is indeed a challenge which falls mostly on me as the one who handles emotional things for the system and is the mediator between the others. This is particularly hard on Maleme who took a long time to accept our transness. He hoped so much that everything was a trauma response like wanting a different body because we would have not to feel the pain and other things that could be cured with therapy.
As Sheila finally felt safe enough around Maleme, she started talking about herself and told us her name which really surprised Maleme. Hearing how she tried to tell our parents we are a girl around 4 or 5 and was so scared by their reaction that she hid away hit Maleme in the gut. We knew Sheila carried most of the shame and the most traumatic memories, but did not realized how much more dysphoric she is than me-Amanda.
One of the key ways we handle all of this is making time for each of us to be onstage (our image for fronting). We usually have some time to wear dresses or skirts and blouses most days which requires negotiating with our wife who is tolerant, but not accepting. Sheila takes care of our cat and we make time for knitting and other crafting for her.
Having to go back into the office most workdays has been rough. We are out to our immediate boss who has a trans daughter, but not to others there. We make time where Maleme can give up being downstage for short breaks. Sheila in particular needs this as seeing women wearing things Sheila and I would like to wear makes here extremely jealous. She needs a minute to self-talk about how much she wants to be in a dress and be in a female body.
But, above all, we need to be gracious towards each other which has been difficult for Maleme.
Y'all are strong. Being a system and having internal problems and being trans is hard. Y'all will figure it out. Tell Maleme they're strong and it'll get better. Tell Sheila bring quiet is harder than speaking up. There's people who care here, us included
Quote from: Lilis on May 12, 2025, 02:46:24 AMTo all the parts reading this:
Thank you all so much for sharing your stories so openly, for being here and for all the effort you put into caring for each other.
That kind of inner support and collaboration is powerful and inspiring.
With warmth,
~ Lilis 💗
Thanks! We're figuring it out, but it's easier with all of us
Quote from: TanyaG on May 12, 2025, 03:34:18 AMAnyone who puts a post like that clearly has to be worth knowing!
Well thanks
Quote from: TanyaG on May 12, 2025, 03:38:02 AMMaybe the best way is by helping him to believe in himself? Boosting his self confidence will do more than anything to keep him good.
I'm trying, but I know it's gonna take time
Quote from: Adrian26 on May 12, 2025, 07:01:54 AMI'm trying, but I know it's gonna take time
Hang in there Adrian. You got this.
Quote from: Annaliese on May 12, 2025, 08:49:02 AMHang in there Adrian. You got this.
I'm Dominic, but thanks!!
Hi Dominic,
I have no experience with DID, but I do understand the complexity of your lives. Something that might help all of you is our Significant Others Talk (https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,26.0.html) Forum. This is a place for spouses, family members, partners, and allies to share their experiences in helping and supporting their transgender partners.
Perhaps reading some of their stories will give you insight into what worked for them and what didn't. Many of the stories are by spouses who have had their partner transition during their relationship. That might help each of you understand the dynamics of what you are experiencing, and thus can help and support the others.
We wish you all the best. Thank you for sharing with us.
Quote from: Lori Dee on May 12, 2025, 09:11:28 AMHi Dominic,
I have no experience with DID, but I do understand the complexity of your lives. Something that might help all of you is our Significant Others Talk (https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,26.0.html) Forum. This is a place for spouses, family members, partners, and allies to share their experiences in helping and supporting their transgender partners.
Perhaps reading some of their stories will give you insight into what worked for them and what didn't. Many of the stories are by spouses who have had their partner transition during their relationship. That might help each of you understand the dynamics of what you are experiencing, and thus can help and support the others.
We wish you all the best. Thank you for sharing with us.
I'll give it a look. Thank you
So Adrian and I had a long talk about everything and I feel like I'm understanding what he wants and needs right now. There were some tears shed from both of us, mostly me. This was very necessary in the progression of our relationship and it felt good to get it all out there.
Um....I don't know how to start this but Adrian and Dommy said y'all were nice. I'm Stacy, the resident age regressor, kind of. I don't really have any friends outside of the system, but I want some. Everyone says y'all are nice so I thought I'd start here, so hi!!!!
Hello, Stacy!
Welcome to Susan's Place, and thank you for stepping forward and introducing yourself.
Quote from: Lori Dee on May 13, 2025, 02:15:35 PMHello, Stacy!
Welcome to Susan's Place, and thank you for stepping forward and introducing yourself.
Hi Lori, you're pfp is pretty!!! Being front during the day is weird but I'm glad I did
Quote from: Adrian26 on May 13, 2025, 02:36:58 PMHi Lori, you're pfp is pretty!!! Being front during the day is weird but I'm glad I did
Thank you. We are glad you did, too. :)
Hm I thought that when I started talking I'd know what to say but the creative juices appear to have dried up
Quote from: Adrian26 on May 13, 2025, 02:41:33 PMHm I thought that when I started talking I'd know what to say but the creative juices appear to have dried up
That's okay. Many of our members prefer to remain silent and just read news and the stories of other members. There is nothing wrong with that.
Well Adrian and Dommy have started couples therapy. They're doing good. Ally (the original) is having a hard time with the body being trans. Amanda is embracing her female side after repressing begin trans for a while. Max is still being a weirdo, but he's fun. Cole and Lilly are still going steady after like 4 years now. The others don't really show up and are usually just dormant
Quote from: Adrian26 on May 13, 2025, 01:55:35 PMUm....I don't know how to start this but Adrian and Dommy said y'all were nice. I'm Stacy, the resident age regressor, kind of. I don't really have any friends outside of the system, but I want some. Everyone says y'all are nice so I thought I'd start here, so hi!!!!
Hi Stacy and welcome!
Quote from: Adrian26 on May 13, 2025, 01:55:35 PMUm....I don't know how to start this but Adrian and Dommy said y'all were nice. I'm Stacy, the resident age regressor, kind of.
Hi Stacy!
It's so nice to meet you!
Thank you for saying hi and sharing a little about yourself. You're welcome here, and I'm glad Adrian and Dommy told you good things about us.
You don't have to worry about saying things "the right way", you did just great.
QuoteI don't really have any friends outside of the system, but I want some. Everyone says y'all are nice so I thought I'd start here, so hi!!!!
I'd be happy to be your friend if you want one.
You can share as much or as little as you feel like, and it's okay just to hang out too.
I'm happy you decided to say hello.
~ Lilis 🫂
Quote from: Lilis on May 14, 2025, 10:10:57 AMHi Stacy!
It's so nice to meet you!
Thank you for saying hi and sharing a little about yourself. You're welcome here, and I'm glad Adrian and Dommy told you good things about us.
You don't have to worry about saying things "the right way", you did just great.
I'd be happy to be your friend if you want one.
You can share as much or as little as you feel like, and it's okay just to hang out too.
I'm happy you decided to say hello.
~ Lilis 🫂
Yay, thanks. I'd love to be friends
Quote from: Adrian26 on May 13, 2025, 02:52:53 PMWell Adrian and Dommy have started couples therapy. They're doing good. Ally (the original) is having a hard time with the body being trans. Amanda is embracing her female side after repressing begin trans for a while. Max is still being a weirdo, but he's fun. Cole and Lilly are still going steady after like 4 years now. The others don't really show up and are usually just dormant
Adrian and company, we have not been able to get back to you for a few days because of life things. We are glad to hear that you are learning better how to live with each other. I-Amanda had to laugh because we had not thought about the relationship work Maleme and me-Amanda have been doing as couples therapy, but that is really what it is even if we are not romantically connected.
Quote from: Amanda500 on May 19, 2025, 08:28:21 PMAdrian and company, we have not been able to get back to you for a few days because of life things. We are glad to hear that you are learning better how to live with each other. I-Amanda had to laugh because we had not thought about the relationship work Maleme and me-Amanda have been doing as couples therapy, but that is really what it is even if we are not romantically connected.
Haha yeah, you don't think about it until someone else points it out. Me(Dominic) and Adrian have to get along due to closeness for the system and eventually just ended up dating. But being close to the people in your system is essential for life going smoothly
Hey everybody! Glad you're happy to introduce yourselves. I think
@SoupSarah may find her way to this thread, too.
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi everyone (and hi
@Devlyn)
I am a completely healed system. Unfortunately a lot of my posts on here about my journey have been lost now.. But long story short.
DID is a horrid existence for each alter.. You try and (on the whole) make it work through compromise, power struggle and fear. No one alter can get an upper hand or the whole becomes unstable. A lot of therapy, a lot of tears and some questionable life decisions bought me to a brink.. A place where I realised that my DID was being perpetuated by my environment, those around me and me not living in my true gender.
I lost everything I had.. In hindsight it was a life of no meaning
And yet at the time I clung deeply to it. Fearing the unknown. Until the veil of DID was lifted and my system clearly saw its function. Saw how they protected me and understood the mechanism of that defence.
I was a series of Lego houses, each one different, each one where a part of me lived. 5 years ago those Lego houses, brick by brick got dismantled and built into one large mansion..
I remarked to my therapist, after the merge, that "I can now touch all corners of my mind". No longer did just one part of me draw, another do finance, another be a computer geek.. Now I was all and everything. Life, for me, finally started. I was 50.
I quickly socially transitioned. Divorced the monster I lived with (one of my abusers, a reason for the persistence of the DID.. and yes, I loved her) and I met a guy who adores me. I had surgery, I moved country, got married and now live as a very happy middle aged woman with a career, home, husband and cats.. To think a part of me tried to end it all just a few years ago now sends shivers down my spine.. I really am so happy.
No one can give a system advice because the whole is not listening. But hopefully this post can let each part know that there is possibly a something better for you.
Good living on your journey and your choices.
Quote from: SoupSarah on May 29, 2025, 09:29:53 PMNo one can give a system advice because the whole is not listening. But hopefully this post can let each part know that there is possibly a something better for you.
Good living on your journey and your choices.
Thank you, Sarah.
Quote from: SoupSarah on May 29, 2025, 09:29:53 PMHi everyone (and hi @Devlyn)
I am a completely healed system. Unfortunately a lot of my posts on here about my journey have been lost now.. But long story short.
DID is a horrid existence for each alter.. You try and (on the whole) make it work through compromise, power struggle and fear. No one alter can get an upper hand or the whole becomes unstable. A lot of therapy, a lot of tears and some questionable life decisions bought me to a brink.. A place where I realised that my DID was being perpetuated by my environment, those around me and me not living in my true gender.
I lost everything I had.. In hindsight it was a life of no meaning
And yet at the time I clung deeply to it. Fearing the unknown. Until the veil of DID was lifted and my system clearly saw its function. Saw how they protected me and understood the mechanism of that defence.
I was a series of Lego houses, each one different, each one where a part of me lived. 5 years ago those Lego houses, brick by brick got dismantled and built into one large mansion..
I remarked to my therapist, after the merge, that "I can now touch all corners of my mind". No longer did just one part of me draw, another do finance, another be a computer geek.. Now I was all and everything. Life, for me, finally started. I was 50.
I quickly socially transitioned. Divorced the monster I lived with (one of my abusers, a reason for the persistence of the DID.. and yes, I loved her) and I met a guy who adores me. I had surgery, I moved country, got married and now live as a very happy middle aged woman with a career, home, husband and cats.. To think a part of me tried to end it all just a few years ago now sends shivers down my spine.. I really am so happy.
No one can give a system advice because the whole is not listening. But hopefully this post can let each part know that there is possibly a something better for you.
Good living on your journey and your choices.
I admire everything about you but the cats, Sarah. will never, ever, understand that about anyone... as long as I live.
Everything else... I think you've been through more than most people will go through in three lifetimes. And come out better for it.
Quote from: SoupSarah on May 29, 2025, 09:29:53 PMHi everyone (and hi @Devlyn)
I am a completely healed system.
QuoteI was a series of Lego houses, each one different, each one where a part of me lived. 5 years ago those Lego houses, brick by brick got dismantled and built into one large mansion..
Sarah, I'm sorry for the pain and trauma you went through, and I'm also glad you were able to bring yourself back together. 🫂💗
The LEGO houses analogy is beautiful, I love it. It helped me visualize the inner structure of more complex systems with more clarity. Thank you for that, but that's a whole different topic.
QuoteNo one can give a system advice because the whole is not listening. But hopefully this post can let each part know that there is possibly a something better for you.
Is that because the totality of the self is fragmented, like your LEGO houses once were scattered across separate spaces with their own walls, doors, and lived realities?
~ Lilis 💗
Quote from: Lilis on May 30, 2025, 11:09:51 AMThe LEGO houses analogy is beautiful, I love it. It helped me visualize the inner structure of more complex systems with more clarity. Thank you for that, but that's a whole different topic.
Is that because the totality of the self is fragmented, like your LEGO houses once were scattered across separate spaces with their own walls, doors, and lived realities?
The bitter truth is that there is only one whole - and despite protestations from alters to the contrary, each is only part of that whole. Every one of my adult parts believed that they were complete. To them, they were, but none could explain the laspses in consciousness that each experienced as one personality left and another came to the fore. Occasionally, 2 or more parts were present and could even talk. As we became more coherent as a functioning system, we even held meetings!!.. In reality, this was a form of telephone system between the Lego houses.. a communication channel that some parts managed to forge between these separations. It started with 'real life' post it notes. Notes to 'whomever is in control' and then more specific. The controlling alters, leaving 'task lists' for the others to follow so the 'whole' can seemingly function normally to the outside world.
DID is not something that should be detectable from outside easily. It is, after all, a defence mechanism. My alters came into the fore to interact with specific people. A couple dealing with my abusive partner depending on her desires. If she was angry, then the calm, methodical, analytical alter would be there.. unphased by her unhinged actions and sayings and moderating her, protecting us. If she wanted romance, another alter would step in for that.. she called these 2 parts her husband. She knew these parts existed for years before any of us (the parts) did. She used this knowledge to manipulate the whole and to get her own way all the time and control us.
The lack of communication between parts, then, was a barrier. It was DID working against us (In a way) and so this drives the defence higher.. the division actually increases, the parts become more autonomous and overt. Overtness of parts is not a usual symptom of DID.. These idiots on Social Media that dress up in silly hats and declare that 'now they are alter A'.. is on the whole, total trash. DID is designed to hide in the shadows, make you LESS of a target to your abusers and overt alters do the opposite of that.
As my DID got more entrenched, as each part took more control of their path. My partner got worse and worse. Her subtle way of controlling her partner was evaporating because 'SHOCK HORROR!!' The parts were starting to communicate. It was not evident to me or my therapist at the time, but this was the start of the end.. this was part of me beggining to heal.
A number of things happened at once early in 2020. My partner started to physical abuse me, much like my parent and my other abuser.. that is triggering alone. I had a cPTSD flashback of a time, as a child, when I very nearly died. I was alone, no one knew or saw what happened.. and I told no-one.. I was 11 years old, I nearly killed myself and I did not tell a single person, not even my best friend.. that is unusual and needed a lot of psychoanalysis. Then my father died from Covid, my business collapsed due to no work and my medical issues (low immunity) put me at great risk of becoming another of those death to Covid statistics.. with no vaccine I had to isolate, whilst my partner did everything they could to bring the infection into the home.. it was akin to living in a warzone.
This huge amount of trauma, the steps I had already made in healing and weirdly my daughter going through puberty (something that I had not done - long story) started the collapse.
I recall that the main analytical part, the part that previously had decided that ending it all was the best way out, analysed the catastrophe of everything that was going on at the moment.. He came to the conclusion that he was actually only a part. That was hard. That was like admitting to yourself that you don't exist and you do actually live in a simulation. That was his reality. This was real... and so, the houses started to collapse. Brick by brick parts of one house got removed.. it started with a big chunk of the alter called Sarah.. she, as it turned out, was holding the majority of the personality.. But she did not have even half of the everything.. that big chunk of Sarah's house became the foundation of the 'mansion' that was going to become me.. It wasn't quick.. but the foundation was now where my main thought processes stemmed from.. and slowly bits of the others came over - Skills and talents that had been spread across parts.. memories, now coalesced.. and the truths of my past started to stitch together and make some sense.. I would say it took 2 weeks to finalize.. and, honestly, I faked it for a week after. Too scared to reveal to anyone that I had infact merged into one. I even went to therapy and pretended to switch (something 2 of my alters had learnt to do, sort of like a party trick). You see, I was vulnerable. The only defence mechanism I had against this world had suddenly been taken from me. For the first time in my entire life I was alone inside my head.. and it was a scary place. I had to learn how to adapt to this world, how to survive the pain and how to sort this mess of a life out. One thing that had never (I mean NEVER) been evident was that I was not a guy.. infact, I was not even attracted to women.. I was infact, a heterosexual woman. That was a problem, as I lived (mainly) as a heterosexual male.
The changes that happened after this, I documented in brief below.. but essentially, I lived my truth. I found happiness because of that.. and not some glib, dance in the moonlight happiness. No, my happiness is facing life with my partner. No matter what it throws at us. Life throws us all the same trash that it did.. but somehow now, it doesn't matter. Happiness really is internal, not eternal...
I would just like to finally add a fact about 'Trans with DID' .. you can't be a transsexual and have DID.. a part, or an alter can be another gender other than the assigned at birth one.. in fact, I don't think I have ever met a true system that doesn't have some alternate gendered parts.. but the whole, no one can tell what gender or even sexuality that will be. DID is about hiding the truth to protect it. My sexuality was in a male part, a part that thought of themselves as gay. My gender in a couple of places.. the mother in me in one, the party girl in another.. it was split out like this so as to keep the whole safe.. so as not to allow anyone to point at us and label us as something they thought was unsavory. DID is an amazing coping strategy that can only be developed before a personality is formed (before about 6 or 7 years old) You can with 100% accuracy state that anyone with DID suffered early childhood trauma. It however, will only persist if the environment you are in is traumatic or at least triggering. I did 'merge' at the age of 9.. I told my mother, 'A mistake has been made, I am a girl'.. she laughed at me, I persisted.. after the 3rd time, she hospitalized me by breaking my wrist.. told me I fell down the stairs.. and so, again, DID came back and the real me, the happy female child, was banished to four corners of the mind, in separate compartments.. to only be reunited 40 years later.
Sarah, thank you for sharing this. I have learned so much from your experience. I am sorry for all that you went through, but I rejoice that you are now living in happiness.
Quote from: SoupSarah on May 30, 2025, 03:23:51 PMThe bitter truth is that there is only one whole - and despite protestations from alters to the contrary, each is only part of that whole. Every one of my adult parts believed that they were complete. To them, they were, but none could explain the laspses in consciousness that each experienced as one personality left and another came to the fore. Occasionally, 2 or more parts were present and could even talk. As we became more coherent as a functioning system, we even held meetings!!.. In reality, this was a form of telephone system between the Lego houses.. a communication channel that some parts managed to forge between these separations. It started with 'real life' post it notes. Notes to 'whomever is in control' and then more specific. The controlling alters, leaving 'task lists' for the others to follow so the 'whole' can seemingly function normally to the outside world.
DID is not something that should be detectable from outside easily. It is, after all, a defence mechanism. My alters came into the fore to interact with specific people. A couple dealing with my abusive partner depending on her desires. If she was angry, then the calm, methodical, analytical alter would be there.. unphased by her unhinged actions and sayings and moderating her, protecting us. If she wanted romance, another alter would step in for that.. she called these 2 parts her husband. She knew these parts existed for years before any of us (the parts) did. She used this knowledge to manipulate the whole and to get her own way all the time and control us.
The lack of communication between parts, then, was a barrier. It was DID working against us (In a way) and so this drives the defence higher.. the division actually increases, the parts become more autonomous and overt. Overtness of parts is not a usual symptom of DID.. These idiots on Social Media that dress up in silly hats and declare that 'now they are alter A'.. is on the whole, total trash. DID is designed to hide in the shadows, make you LESS of a target to your abusers and overt alters do the opposite of that.
As my DID got more entrenched, as each part took more control of their path. My partner got worse and worse. Her subtle way of controlling her partner was evaporating because 'SHOCK HORROR!!' The parts were starting to communicate. It was not evident to me or my therapist at the time, but this was the start of the end.. this was part of me beggining to heal.
A number of things happened at once early in 2020. My partner started to physical abuse me, much like my parent and my other abuser.. that is triggering alone. I had a cPTSD flashback of a time, as a child, when I very nearly died. I was alone, no one knew or saw what happened.. and I told no-one.. I was 11 years old, I nearly killed myself and I did not tell a single person, not even my best friend.. that is unusual and needed a lot of psychoanalysis. Then my father died from Covid, my business collapsed due to no work and my medical issues (low immunity) put me at great risk of becoming another of those death to Covid statistics.. with no vaccine I had to isolate, whilst my partner did everything they could to bring the infection into the home.. it was akin to living in a warzone.
This huge amount of trauma, the steps I had already made in healing and weirdly my daughter going through puberty (something that I had not done - long story) started the collapse.
I recall that the main analytical part, the part that previously had decided that ending it all was the best way out, analysed the catastrophe of everything that was going on at the moment.. He came to the conclusion that he was actually only a part. That was hard. That was like admitting to yourself that you don't exist and you do actually live in a simulation. That was his reality. This was real... and so, the houses started to collapse. Brick by brick parts of one house got removed.. it started with a big chunk of the alter called Sarah.. she, as it turned out, was holding the majority of the personality.. But she did not have even half of the everything.. that big chunk of Sarah's house became the foundation of the 'mansion' that was going to become me.. It wasn't quick.. but the foundation was now where my main thought processes stemmed from.. and slowly bits of the others came over - Skills and talents that had been spread across parts.. memories, now coalesced.. and the truths of my past started to stitch together and make some sense.. I would say it took 2 weeks to finalize.. and, honestly, I faked it for a week after. Too scared to reveal to anyone that I had infact merged into one. I even went to therapy and pretended to switch (something 2 of my alters had learnt to do, sort of like a party trick). You see, I was vulnerable. The only defence mechanism I had against this world had suddenly been taken from me. For the first time in my entire life I was alone inside my head.. and it was a scary place. I had to learn how to adapt to this world, how to survive the pain and how to sort this mess of a life out. One thing that had never (I mean NEVER) been evident was that I was not a guy.. infact, I was not even attracted to women.. I was infact, a heterosexual woman. That was a problem, as I lived (mainly) as a heterosexual male.
The changes that happened after this, I documented in brief below.. but essentially, I lived my truth. I found happiness because of that.. and not some glib, dance in the moonlight happiness. No, my happiness is facing life with my partner. No matter what it throws at us. Life throws us all the same trash that it did.. but somehow now, it doesn't matter. Happiness really is internal, not eternal...
I would just like to finally add a fact about 'Trans with DID' .. you can't be a transsexual and have DID.. a part, or an alter can be another gender other than the assigned at birth one.. in fact, I don't think I have ever met a true system that doesn't have some alternate gendered parts.. but the whole, no one can tell what gender or even sexuality that will be. DID is about hiding the truth to protect it. My sexuality was in a male part, a part that thought of themselves as gay. My gender in a couple of places.. the mother in me in one, the party girl in another.. it was split out like this so as to keep the whole safe.. so as not to allow anyone to point at us and label us as something they thought was unsavory. DID is an amazing coping strategy that can only be developed before a personality is formed (before about 6 or 7 years old) You can with 100% accuracy state that anyone with DID suffered early childhood trauma. It however, will only persist if the environment you are in is traumatic or at least triggering. I did 'merge' at the age of 9.. I told my mother, 'A mistake has been made, I am a girl'.. she laughed at me, I persisted.. after the 3rd time, she hospitalized me by breaking my wrist.. told me I fell down the stairs.. and so, again, DID came back and the real me, the happy female child, was banished to four corners of the mind, in separate compartments.. to only be reunited 40 years later.
Thank you so much, Sarah! 💕
Your story is profound, painful, and layered with insights that speak deeply to both DID and gender identity.
I resonate with many parts of what you shared.
According to my therapist like you I've come to understand that my womanhood, Lilis, isn't just a part.
She is the truth beneath the parts. She is the soul's core identity buried, but never broken.
For both you and me, this isn't just a case study in DID or gender fluidity.
It's a map of resurrection. 🕊🔥
A journey of reclaiming the child-self who always knew who she was.
Like you, I'm gathering my bricks, building my mansion.
And perhaps, like you, my empowerment begins when my inner houses begin to speak to each other.
They already have, he, who protected me for over 40 years, has stepped into the background.
Now it's my turn to lead, as the woman I've always been.
My hope is to one day love all versions of myself, past and present, into Oneness.
Sarah, I love you! 💓
Thank you for sharing your story and for joining this powerful conversation with us.
~ Lilis 🫂💗
Quote from: SoupSarah on May 30, 2025, 03:23:51 PMand not some glib, dance in the moonlight happiness.
Wow! SoupSarah, thank you so much for sharing this story. When I was younger, I experienced many fugue episodes (some of long duration) and was evaluated for DID (they determined it was a seizure-based disorder). I can imagine, but only imagine, what you have gone through to reach the moment you are in. I admire you, both in part and in whole. You are amazing.
Quote from: SoupSarah on May 29, 2025, 09:29:53 PMHi everyone (and hi @Devlyn)
I am a completely healed system. Unfortunately a lot of my posts on here about my journey have been lost now.. But long story short.
DID is a horrid existence for each alter.. You try and (on the whole) make it work through compromise, power struggle and fear. No one alter can get an upper hand or the whole becomes unstable. A lot of therapy, a lot of tears and some questionable life decisions bought me to a brink.. A place where I realised that my DID was being perpetuated by my environment, those around me and me not living in my true gender.
I lost everything I had.. In hindsight it was a life of no meaning
And yet at the time I clung deeply to it. Fearing the unknown. Until the veil of DID was lifted and my system clearly saw its function. Saw how they protected me and understood the mechanism of that defence.
I was a series of Lego houses, each one different, each one where a part of me lived. 5 years ago those Lego houses, brick by brick got dismantled and built into one large mansion..
I remarked to my therapist, after the merge, that "I can now touch all corners of my mind". No longer did just one part of me draw, another do finance, another be a computer geek.. Now I was all and everything. Life, for me, finally started. I was 50.
I quickly socially transitioned. Divorced the monster I lived with (one of my abusers, a reason for the persistence of the DID.. and yes, I loved her) and I met a guy who adores me. I had surgery, I moved country, got married and now live as a very happy middle aged woman with a career, home, husband and cats.. To think a part of me tried to end it all just a few years ago now sends shivers down my spine.. I really am so happy.
No one can give a system advice because the whole is not listening. But hopefully this post can let each part know that there is possibly a something better for you.
Good living on your journey and your choices.
Wow. Your story is so powerful. I'm glad you shared it with us. I'm happy you found a better place where you are you. This is the story every kid with DID wants to know, a story of strength, ambition, and overcoming the obstacles that we feel are always going to be pushing us back. Thank you for showing us that even with our past and coping mechanisms we can still be one person, and a happy person at that
Well it's been a bit since we've posted and I have to say we're getting better. We have a boyfriend who loves us and we love. He knows we have a complicated past, but doesn't know details. I think we'll tell him about it soon. Everyone is very much together and there aren't any lapses in memory anymore and we're all one person. We're still figuring out our identity, but we're happy as Ally, for the most part, and I think we have an overall happy life. We're going to be starting our senior year this fall and we're definitely excited for that. Adrian is still figuring out who he is and Dom is helping with that a lot. I'm (Ally) still getting used to the idea that the body may be a male, but it's gonna be okay.
Quote from: Adrian26 on June 07, 2025, 03:01:44 PMWell it's been a bit since we've posted and I have to say we're getting better. We have a boyfriend who loves us and we love. He knows we have a complicated past, but doesn't know details. I think we'll tell him about it soon. Everyone is very much together and there aren't any lapses in memory anymore and we're all one person. We're still figuring out our identity, but we're happy as Ally, for the most part, and I think we have an overall happy life. We're going to be starting our senior year this fall and we're definitely excited for that. Adrian is still figuring out who he is and Dom is helping with that a lot. I'm (Ally) still getting used to the idea that the body may be a male, but it's gonna be okay.
It's great to hear the update 🙂
Quote from: Annaliese on June 07, 2025, 03:24:36 PMIt's great to hear the update 🙂
Thanks! It's been a long month