In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour',
'colour', behaviour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix
-ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the
greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did
for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings
and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and
Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans
first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of
all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never
mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries
in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.
John Cleese
Ouch. Cleese doesn't approve of Obama? How recent is this?
Lia
Since at least 2000 and it was actually not written by Cleese. It is traced to email, but the true origins are unknown.
Still funny though.
HAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH AHA
I DARE YOU TO TRY!!!
OH and further more AMERICAN CARS ARE the best, period.
German cars are trash, the Japanese make better ones than they do.
Words of wisdom:
Quote
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
And PS. American cars are PETROL-guzzling, environment destroying machines of death. Give me a VW any day! ;D
*dies laughing* Oh......my........God! *gigglesnorts* that was so funny!! You have found a way to restore the country to its former glory, just rejoin the Brits. :D BRILLIANT!!
EEEEEEP the red coats are coming!!!!
P.S Is that American made Imports, or imported American cars that are PETROL-guzzling, environment destroying machines of death.
Who cares if they guzzle petrol, we only pay $3 a Gallon, So HA BRITS...
We can use twice as much. haha
Quote from: Brandi on February 20, 2008, 09:34:52 AM
P.S Is that American made Imports, or imported American cars that are PETROL-guzzling, environment destroying machines of death.
Hmmmmm. Got me there hon. I just know I would choose a VW or a Toyota over a Ford any day!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnOvm1ILZ8c
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ilch.de%2Finclude%2Fimages%2Fusergallery%2Fimg_369.jpg&hash=7c90bb5fe48f4a498c4f042c23d50e91300c1868)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.autospectator.com%2Fuploads%2FFord%2F2007%2FMustang%2FMustang_07SALEEN_S281.jpg&hash=93964a35d072c624644269a84e7fc57e6bb3a075)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.autocult.com.au%2Fimg%2Fgallery%2Ffull%2FAkinaGhost914.jpg&hash=0efa77da90948b83a672b874cdeeb37f3bbf6f47)
We may get 12mpg, but our gas is half as cheap....
good thing you didn't show last years GTO it was made in australia
Brandi
from Indiana
where Toyota and Subaru
is made :P
P.S. will we start drinking pints instead of quarts Y'all
Sorry Im a Ford girl..
Quote from: lady amarant on February 20, 2008, 12:23:45 PM
Quote from: Brandi on February 20, 2008, 09:34:52 AM
P.S Is that American made Imports, or imported American cars that are PETROL-guzzling, environment destroying machines of death.
Hmmmmm. Got me there hon. I just know I would choose a VW or a Toyota over a Ford any day!
Yeah, Fords have the comfy seats but......... I just don't like their style, petrol consumption and overall handling!!
Give me a Toyota any day, or the new VW Golf (nice ;D).
I bet my little German sports car is faster than your Mustang
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.rsportscars.com%2Ffoto%2F03%2Fcarreragt06.jpg&hash=7e6b54a6f4561034154522fa83314df6999275b6)
Porsche 2006 Carrera GT
I could spend $500,000 on that german thing? Or I could buy (below) and put $325,000 into in and make your german friend look like its standing still...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjalopnik.com%2Fcars%2Fassets%2Fresources%2F2007%2F04%2FFord-GT.jpg&hash=ac0b5eb4203e93043fbdc5fb6caf773317ae921a)
It's only $448,000. Here's the specs to beat, Mara.
Specification
Type V10
Capacity (cc) 5733
Power (bhp) 612@8000 rpm
Torque (lb/ft) 435@6750 rpm
0-62 mph 3.9 seconds
Top speed mph 205
We can race from Twin Lakes to Aspen or if you feel brave, US 1 between San Simeon and Carmel. Picture a winding 2 lane highway with a sheer cliff on one side and a long drop into the Pacific on the other! :icon_razz:
Oy vey! You two sound like the bunch from 'Misfile'. Claire hon, english please ... not everbody speaks 'car' :P
www.misfile.com (http://www.misfile.com)
Some estimates put our real cost for gasoline at 7 dollars per gallon if you consider the tax incentives we provide to the oil companies. That does not include the cost of our current activities in Iraq.
About British colloquialisms....
I was in London for the first time on business many years ago. After I finished checking in, I asked the young lady across the counter if she could arrange a wake up call for me at 6 AM. "You want me to knock you up at 6 AM?" She queried. What made it so funny is that I was so naive, I didn't even know what it meant in the good old USA. It was later the next day when I recounted the story to an associate that I learned what the phrase meant in both countries.
Cindi
Quote from: Brandi on February 20, 2008, 09:34:52 AM
P.S Is that American made Imports, or imported American cars that are PETROL-guzzling, environment destroying machines of death.
Well in Canada, we have American made imports and they're pieces of crap. I'd buy Japanese or European any day. In fact, I always have. If you want a disposable car that's a piece of rubbish after five years, buy American. If you want a car you can drive for longer than that and not look like it should be up on blocks, buy something that will last. Maybe you guys get better American cars in the US.
Mind you, don't know about trucks. There do seem to be some decent American-made trucks, but they're all too big for my needs, so I'd probably buy a Mazda truck for my next vehicle.
Dennis
I love my chrystler... its large, roomy, and fuel efficiant, and its not exactly slow either.... but If I remember correctly mopar is owned by a german company....
What Id really like to get though is an Aston Martin XD those are totaly awsome....
Quote from: Cindi Jones on February 21, 2008, 12:41:25 AM
About British colloquialisms....
I was in London for the first time on business many years ago. After I finished checking in, I asked the young lady across the counter if she could arrange a wake up call for me at 6 AM. "You want me to knock you up at 6 AM?" She queried. What made it so funny is that I was so naive, I didn't even know what it meant in the good old USA. It was later the next day when I recounted the story to an associate that I learned what the phrase meant in both countries.
Cindi
My mom once told me a story similar to this, accept she was agast at being asked this by the bellboy... How dare he ask something like that to a good southern baptist girl.... heh
American cars are easy to work on, usually have excessive horsepower (more fun!), and extreme ammenities (10 cup holders for the big gulps, and like 4 rows of seating)
Thats what makes em great haha.
No seriously though, Its hard to say cars are "american" anymore anyways....
Quote from: Claire de Lune on February 20, 2008, 07:24:17 PM
We can race from Twin Lakes to Aspen or if you feel brave, US 1 between San Simeon and Carmel. Picture a winding 2 lane highway with a sheer cliff on one side and a long drop into the Pacific on the other! :icon_razz:
you want some real fun claire hun you should try washtion state around mount raynear now thats a wild
ride going threw the mountens. :laugh: :laugh:
Posted on: February 21, 2008, 07:47:34 AM
Quote from: mara on February 20, 2008, 04:36:52 PM
Sorry Im a Ford girl..
oh mara hun dont be sorry . you just know the turth is all yes ford girls have more fun ;) :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Quote from: mara on February 20, 2008, 04:36:52 PM
Sorry Im a Ford girl..
You have my deepest condolences Mara. I had heard of this rare and terrible state, but I had never met anyone afflicted with it until now - let me know if there is anything I can do.
;D
Quote from: lady amarant on February 21, 2008, 07:04:31 AM
Quote from: mara on February 20, 2008, 04:36:52 PM
Sorry Im a Ford girl..
You have my deepest condolences Mara. I had heard of this rare and terrible state, but I had never met anyone afflicted with it until now - let me know if there is anything I can do.
;D
well lady amarant since your offering to help us pour ford girls here. you could go with us . and dont
worry iam driveing. ;D and you can listen to any kind of rideing music you like too lady amarant :)
Quote from: debbie.j on February 21, 2008, 07:28:23 AM
well lady amarant since your offering to help us pour ford girls here. you could go with us . and dont worry iam driveing. ;D and you can listen to any kind of rideing music you like too lady amarant :)
We all have our crosses to bear hon, so I won't hold it against you. As long as you don't mind some metal and EBM, I'm there - I'll even bring my Automobile Association membership card along for when your ford breaks down... :P :icon_poke: )
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aroundhawaii.com%2Fassets%2Farticles%2F2007%2F05%2F866%2Fimages%2F200705_wkocwyltbe001.jpg&hash=e5a8fd8933e544689180e0681edefcf0ab6db509)
Engine: 500-cubic-inch TFX aluminum hemi (8000+ horsepower)
Best quarter-mile elapsed time: 4.428 seconds
Best finish-line speed: 337.58 mph
6 G-forces at the starting line (nothing accelerates faster on land)
6 negative G-forces upon deployment of twin parachutes at 300 mph
remember if it aint got parachutes, its not fast enough
oooh feel my redneck blood all tingly
P.S sorry no cup holders
Nah, nah, nah! You all got it wrong if you want a real car with personality that fits yours, get a Citroen, from the Traction, the DS, the 2CV, the Mehari, the BX, the CX, the C6 as long as you avoid the XM and the Visa. Renault (4CV, Dauphine, R8, L4, Megane, Espace ...) and Peugeot are good exemples of French flair and creativity... or any Italian car that is not a FIAT. >:D
As for any Nipon or Corean Kakas how dare they call them automobiles, they are just cheap second rate copies of the rest.
LLL&R
Maebh
Quote from: lady amarant on February 21, 2008, 07:44:01 AM
Quote from: debbie.j on February 21, 2008, 07:28:23 AM
well lady amarant since your offering to help us pour ford girls here. you could go with us . and dont worry iam driveing. ;D and you can listen to any kind of rideing music you like too lady amarant :)
We all have our crosses to bear hon, so I won't hold it against you. As long as you don't mind some metal and EBM, I'm there - I'll even bring my Automobile Association membership card along for when your ford breaks down... :P :icon_poke: )
sigh indeed we do lady amarant and thanks for not hold it againest me :P. and na i dont mind at all. and i
dont think it will break down see how it is well made ;) but yo can still bring your card too just dont
forget your sunglass tho :P :P :laugh:
Posted on: February 21, 2008, 10:38:42 AM
Quote from: Brandi on February 21, 2008, 08:15:13 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aroundhawaii.com%2Fassets%2Farticles%2F2007%2F05%2F866%2Fimages%2F200705_wkocwyltbe001.jpg&hash=e5a8fd8933e544689180e0681edefcf0ab6db509)
Engine: 500-cubic-inch TFX aluminum hemi (8000+ horsepower)
Best quarter-mile elapsed time: 4.428 seconds
Best finish-line speed: 337.58 mph
6 G-forces at the starting line (nothing accelerates faster on land)
6 negative G-forces upon deployment of twin parachutes at 300 mph
remember if it aint got parachutes, its not fast enough
oooh feel my redneck blood all tingly
P.S sorry no cup holders
humm maybe i should get my freinds 4 whell drive truck i has cup holders and goes fast even when going
over hills and such >:D
That is the big flaw with my car - a VW. No cupholders except for one for the back seat. I've had to hobble together aftermarket bits to hold my coffee. What is it with Europeans? No beverages while driving?
Dennis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yaQOZCAcMk
American vs Europe vs well you'll see
if this don't work try
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yaQOZCAcMk
Quote from: Dennis on February 21, 2008, 09:53:32 AM
That is the big flaw with my car - a VW. No cupholders except for one for the back seat. I've had to hobble together aftermarket bits to hold my coffee. What is it with Europeans? No beverages while driving?
Dennis
aww dennis hun iam sorry to here that :( what you need is one of them window cup holders . kinda
akwards but they work tho :). then that way your car will have the cuphold,s and you can drive on with a
big happy :). and i think if you look on e bay you can find them for about a $1.00 usa not includeing shipping
tho.
Yeah that's what I got. Only flaw is you have to be careful closing the door when there's a cup in it, or you're liable to come back to a seat full of coffee.
Dennis
That youtube vid was halarious....
Burnout in europe reminded me of the yappy little dog running around trying to bite someones ankles.....
But nothing says true burnout like a guy on a bike.... This is MAX-X ROFL
Quote from: Dennis on February 21, 2008, 01:24:25 PM
Yeah that's what I got. Only flaw is you have to be careful closing the door when there's a cup in it, or you're liable to come back to a seat full of coffee.
Dennis
indeed dennis indeed you got to watch out for that shuting door big time :o
Quote from: Brandi on February 21, 2008, 09:58:53 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yaQOZCAcMk
HAHA I love it, but hey my car can do the european burnout too,
In fact Mustangs are getting more and more popular in the Drift world, there are 7 officially sponsered Ford Drift Drivers...
And many many more mustang guys trying to get into drifting, oh and 1 girl...ME.
I will give the guy on a bike credit, he got a few puffs of smoke peddling
P.S Dennis. easy fix open door, get in car, then close door, THEN put coffee in holder :P
Burnout in Iraq: Hahahahahahahaha!
You HAVE to give the guy credit for trying. That was so cool!
There will come a day, and I don't think its even far off, where the American mania for wrapping ourselves in that much metal and using up the natural resources we didn't waste in building the car to power it - is going to be seen for what it really was - stupid.
1. Back when I had a car and a wife (got rid of both, at about the same time, for pretty much the same reasons - too expensive, too much aggravation) I had a Dodge Daytona, she had a Honda - which was the "American Car"? The one built in Ohio, or the one built in Windsor Locks, Canada? Either way, the parts for both were made all over, that whole 'global economy' deal.
2. In not having a car, I pretty much can take an extra month of vacation every year, with the money I save (or the money I don't have to make in order to make payments, insurance, parking, repairs, maintenance, etc.). Not to mention the total lack of aggravation in my life from the car, driving and all that. Most people spend about two months a year working for that heap of metal out in the driveway, where public transit is half the cost, and a lot better for you (I have to walk a lot, ride my bike all over). At this point in my life, I want the time, not the car.
3. I prefer my coffee in a china cup or mug, sitting outside talking with friends.
Quote from: tekla on February 22, 2008, 09:00:18 AM
There will come a day, and I don't think its even far off, where the American mania for wrapping ourselves in that much metal and using up the natural resources we didn't waste in building the car to power it - is going to be seen for what it really was - stupid.
1. Back when I had a car and a wife (got rid of both, at about the same time, for pretty much the same reasons - too expensive, too much aggravation) I had a Dodge Daytona, she had a Honda - which was the "American Car"? The one built in Ohio, or the one built in Windsor Locks, Canada? Either way, the parts for both were made all over, that whole 'global economy' deal.
2. In not having a car, I pretty much can take an extra month of vacation every year, with the money I save (or the money I don't have to make in order to make payments, insurance, parking, repairs, maintenance, etc.). Not to mention the total lack of aggravation in my life from the car, driving and all that. Most people spend about two months a year working for that heap of metal out in the driveway, where public transit is half the cost, and a lot better for you (I have to walk a lot, ride my bike all over). At this point in my life, I want the time, not the car.
3. I prefer my coffee in a china cup or mug, sitting outside talking with friends.
We're fortunate to live someplace where life without a car is an option. Bad as MUNI is, it's really a bargain compared to owning a car. I have a disabled transit card. I pay $10 a month to get around the City and a 66% discount on BART. If I want to take a trip out of the Bay Area I rent a car.
You forgot one other reality of owning a car in The City. Parking tickets! There's nowhere to park so almost everyone I know gets them and they can be expensive.
As you know in SF complaining about MUNI is almost as popular as guessing about Newsome's love life - but it works better than most.
Quote from: lady amarant on February 21, 2008, 12:21:31 AM
Oy vey! You two sound like the bunch from 'Misfile'. Claire hon, english please ... not everbody speaks 'car' :P
www.misfile.com (http://www.misfile.com)
I'm not the only one that reads misfile?!? Squeee! I love misfile!
Car Talk with Tom and Ray - funny even if you are not driving, perhaps, even better.
Quote from: Kir on February 22, 2008, 02:28:47 PM
I'm not the only one that reads misfile?!? Squeee! I love misfile!
And then there were two...
Other good ones:
http://bunny.frozenreality.co.uk/ (http://bunny.frozenreality.co.uk/)
http://exterminatusnow.comicgenesis.com/ (http://exterminatusnow.comicgenesis.com/) (REALLY twisted english humour in this one. please note the OU...)
and my favourite:
http://www.sinfest.net/ (http://www.sinfest.net/)
Quote from: mara on February 20, 2008, 04:36:52 PM
Sorry Im a Ford girl..
sorry, i worship at the temple of VTEC
had ta share...
http://sinfest.net (http://sinfest.net)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsinfest.net%2Fcomikaze%2Fcomics%2F2008-02-07.gif&hash=efa2dbe7770869c36489745b2c342ff8cc024d4b)
I love this comic.
Posted on: 22 February 2008, 14:58:24
Last one. Promise!
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Ah yes, I read sinfest also. But not the other two you mentioned.
I'm not going to link all the comics I read... overall there are 61 webcomics I check daily (most only update once a week though. But it's easier to just open them all up at once). I used to write a webcomic myself, but it fell by the wayside. It was mostly comedy, and only had one actual ongoing story (which never actually was publicly aired) about a guy that was hitting on me in a bar (I am so dense sometimes. It wasn't until after he bought me two drinks and paid for 4 or so games of pinball that I realized he was interested in ME, not the pinball game I was playing).
Quote from: Kir on February 22, 2008, 03:21:00 PM
overall there are 61 webcomics I check daily
damn.
And I thought I was an addict - only about 15 or so...Better find some more then! ;D
this is simply way tooooo much!!!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: ;D
Quote from: lady amarant on February 22, 2008, 03:27:01 PM
Quote from: Kir on February 22, 2008, 03:21:00 PM
overall there are 61 webcomics I check daily
damn.
And I thought I was an addict - only about 15 or so...Better find some more then! ;D
Maybe sometime when I have a lot of time I'll post a list of all that I read... And 15 comics does make you an addict. It's just that I am more than an addict, I am a junkie!