Ok everyone...
The time is drawing closer to my first appointment..
I've only got 17days to go and the reality is finally hitting home that this is real. I'm starting to realise the enormity of what my life is going to be like as a ftm..
I feel like i'm going to be judged and frowned upon when i first walk into the phyc's waiting room, people will have raised eyebrows and start to whisper about me.. It's like a bad dream that is repeating itself on a daily basis...
I'm going to be all alone at this appointment and with only my SO and friends to chat to about it i feel quite sad and nervous... :-\
All i want in my life is to have my family around me and love me for me.. They've accepted me being gay but will they accept my choice to change??
God i needed to get that off my chest... :D
Toni:
I found that the worst time of transition was before transition. I had all kinds of anxieties that didn't turn out to be well-founded.
And they certainly won't be laughing at you at the dr's or the psych's office. They're professionals and this is their job. Plus you probably won't be the first to walk in the door with this issue, and you most definitely don't have the most unusual issue. You won't be judged, don't worry about it.
It is a really stressful time, though, and I know I didn't find a good way of calming my anxieties other than just facing each one, one at a time. You'll get through it :)
You have a supportive SO, too, which is more than many of us had. Three weeks after I realized I was trans, I went to a therapy appointment. At the first appointment we dealt with my issues about it and planned to discuss strategies to talk to my wife of 7 years. On the way back from the appointment, she kept demanding to know why I'd gone to see a therapist. I finally told her. She immediately dumped me and we sat through the remainder of the three hour drive in silence, broken only by her tears. Then she packed and moved out, only to return a week later to tell me to get out of the house. So give your partner a great big hug, tell her you love her and let her help you through this. With her support, you can do anything.
I thought before I transitioned that I'd lose my job, or at the very least be a laughing stock in court and when I dealt with clients (I'm a lawyer). I thought my mother would disown me, my friends would leave me, and my marriage would break up. Only one of them happened. My mother is wonderfully supportive (although she had a hard time at first, but her friends were so cool about my transition that she got past that). My friends have all stuck with me. One even went to San Fran with me to be my caregiver for chest surgery. My employer was a dream, and I didn't lose a single client. In fact, I got gifts and cards with congratulations on being me and being brave enough to be me.
I now live full time as male. Probably 40% of my clients know my past because they knew me before. The others just think I'm some young twinkie and are completely amazed when I tell them I'm 43. I had another lawyer come up to me and say "you know, I didn't get the whole Dennis/Denise thing when I heard about it, but now I see you and you look so much happier as yourself, I get it."
It can't be underestimated, the feeling you get when you finally know that people are actually seeing you as you. I didn't think I could bear this centre of attention, very public transition (and public puberty - geez, getting kidded about zits and your voice cracking at 43 is an unusual experience to say the least), but it wasn't that bad after all. I think at first people were kind of wondering what was going to happen (I'm the first really public FtM transition in our small town), but once they got used to me starting to look and sound like a teenaged boy, people just accepted it.
Hang in there, and feel free to post for support whenever you need it.
Dennis
Quote from: slinky on April 06, 2006, 04:00:55 PM
I'm going to be all alone at this appointment and with only my SO and friends to chat to about it i feel quite sad and nervous... :-\
I so wish that I could go with you, but this is something you will have to do on your own. But I'm here, you know that don't you? :-*
xR
There is absolutely nothing I could possibly add to Dennis' words other than my own support as you venture forth. It's a big step that's for sure but the result is worth every step no matter how wobbly they may be at first :)
Steph
Quote from: slinky on April 06, 2006, 04:00:55 PM
I feel like i'm going to be judged and frowned upon when i first walk into the phyc's waiting room, people will have raised eyebrows and start to whisper about me..
I wouldn't worry too much about this part; anyone sitting in the waiting room probably has as many issues as you, if not more!
Seriously, I have to echo what Dennis said. The hardest part is almost behind you; imagining the possibilities is much worse than dealing with the realities. Besides, you'll be too busy to waste time worrying!
Thank you so much everyone for your kind words and support...
I never really get much time to myself anymore and truely believe that this whole experience will give me the time i need for myself.. even if it's a case of sitting at work on my own for an hour or two...
I've been thinking alot about this app and i know that once this one is complete my life can move on...
Dennis,
I can really relate to what you shared. I was working in a high profile job when I transitioned too. I was working in the political arena in the city I lived in at the time. All I heard was praise for being so brave. That was the last thing I had expected! Even the community big wig, nicked named the "Dragon Lady" (Seriously) and was the head boss I worked for, called me into her office and told me she admired me for being brave and honest with myself. She also told me that if ANYONE did one single thing to mess with me on the job, their job would be gone! No one ever did, but had they, I do know she was serious.
I share this for you Slinky, so that you can see that this is a common response, unlike what we create in our minds for people to respond with. Hang in there and know you also have support here!
Peace,
Taylor