I've already introduced myself but thought it would be nice to give you all an insight into my life..
My journey of truth started the day I was born. I was born in December 1978 into such a loving family. My father looked at me and said, "This is my daughter Toni".
From that day I lived my life as a cute, active little girl. I wore the dresses, little sandals, even had long hair. Everyone just let me be me.
Things soon started to change when my dad left at the age of 6. I became a little sod and started to hang around with the boys in my street. Soon I was one of the gang and started wearing boy's clothes. For years I was constantly begging my mum to let me have my hair cut... The time soon arrived and sure enough I had my hair cut short and cropped. I loved it but my poor mum just sat and cried holding what was left of my long hair in her hand. I never realised how much I had hurt her.
But on went my journey of truth
We soon moved and off I went to a new school, again I met a group of boys at school and played football with them in our breaks. I felt at home.
I was constantly being bullied at school for looking like a boy and acting like a boy, it was the only way I could be happy, I wasn't a girl and knew that from a young age. I hated it.
I lived my life as a boy from the age of 7. I can always remember going shopping with my mum and people saying what a lovely looking son she had. She was always so quick to correct them. I enjoyed the fact I passed as a boy from such an early age.
The years went by and I just carried on my life as a boy. By 16 I realised that I wanted to have relations with the same sex and pursue the next step of my journey.
I soon went to college and came in contact with my first gay person. I was so excited I wasn't the only one in the world. She was so welcoming and friendly; we chatted and got to know each other. I eventually admitted to her that I was gay and felt lost and alone, she comforted me and after a few months we started a relationship. Time again flew by and life was getting harder with college and the bullying. (It was school all over again).
I soon dropped out of college with only 6 months left to do. I regret it now and hope one day I will complete what I started without being judged.
3,4,5 years all went past and I soon hit the prime age of 21. I'd partied hard, got into lots of drugs and lived life to the full but there was always one little thing in the back of my mind saying to me. "This isn't you". I didn't know what to do and threw myself into work and left the gay scene and all the drugs for 2 years, it was the only way for me to sort out what I really wanted for my future. In that time I met a beautiful femme. Long blonde hair, body to die for and most of all she wanted me as I was. A man. We lasted 2 years and eventually split up as the mention of myself wanting to transition scared her. I soon tried to suppress my feelings and carried on with my life. I found myself being attracted to femme women and wanting to be in a male, female relationship. I knew it was me but I wasn't quite ready to take the first steps of my new life.
I carried on living my life as butch and tried to ignore my feelings and wants in my head.
Eventually after much research I accepted who I was.
A few weeks ago I was introduced to this website and have found it helpful, interesting and friendly. I've recently started to pursue the final journey in my life. I'm getting excited but also scared. It's a huge step but I feel like I'm finally on my way home after such a long journey.
I know my journey is really only beggining but with thanks to my great SO i'm finally at peace with myself...
Slinky
thanx for sharing that. One thing that struck me was that your budding self-awareness really began following your dad's leaving. The wake-up call triggered by particular trauma... I can testify to that, same with me (going the other way, MtF) when I was 11... (fortunately or unfortunately the girlfriends of my adolescence liked me 'in-between', best-o'-both-worlds, type-thing)
Consider yourself blessed by the fact of your SO's acceptance, and a journey begun now, rather than later...
A wonderful piece Slinky.
I see a lot in your story that is similar to mine. Very well put. I find that putting pen to paper so to speak is wonderful therapy in itself, a great outlet.
Steph