1) My booby itches!
2) Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? (Sorry Mae ;D)
It's amazing how natural your toupee looks...
30 THINGS NOT TO SAY ON A FIRST DATE
1. "This is my apartment, but don't break anything, or you'll have to pay for it."
2. "Here, have a tic-tac. Please."
3. (To the waitress) "Could I have your phone number?"
4. "Before we go back to my place, you're not afraid of, snakes, are you?"
5. "I really had a good time tonight, uh, um, what the hell was your name again?"
6. "Hey, check out the babe sittin' in the corner. Wow, what a body!"
7. "What? Oh, I thought you were paying."
8. "Nice dress. I have one at home just like it."
9."So my hand slipped, and the knife cut about half an inch into my thumb, and the blood was gushing all over the place, so I went to the emergency room to have it stitched up, but it kept throbbing, and swelling, and, oh, but I see you're eating."
10. "I want to move out, but my mom really needs me. And, who else is gonna make my lunch? And my bed? And clean my room?"
11. "No, I don't have a job. I spend all my time in the basement. I'm building a submarine."
12. (Looking at her plate) "Are you going to finish that?"
13. "The mother ship will be returning next June. Then I'll be leaving for Neptune. Hey, here's a thought. You should come with me!"
14. "My old girlfriend, Lisa, was so beautiful. She looked kind of like you. I used to bring her here all the time. Do you mind if I call you Lisa?"
15. "Well, I don't go out in public all too often. And I don't like to be touched, so don't touch me. And try not to stare at me. And let me know if anybody else is staring at me."
16. "I'm gonna do it. I bought a gun. I've got bullets. Just wait. My boss'll be yellin' at me, and then, BLAM!"
17. "As soon as I saw you, I knew you'd go out with me. I said to myself, 'There's someone who looks desperate enough.'"
18. "Does this look like ringworm to you?"
19. "Hurry up and eat, because we've got to get home in time for 'Star Trek.'"
20. "No, I'm not really a doctor. I just pretend that I am so I can pick up women."
21. "We don't need a cab. We can walk. It's only eighteen blocks."
22. "Do you like this shirt? Me too. I wear it every day."
23. "I'm not afraid of anything. Except heights. And confinement. And dogs, and cats, and really scary clowns. And the old lady down the street, and..."
24. "Could you drive me to the airport next week? And I'm going to be moving next month, and I could use some help. Also, I've been thinking about painting my garage. Are you any good at painting?"
25. "Have you thought about getting a Thigh-master? What about that Ultra Slim-fast, have you tried that?"
26. "I've never been on a date here before. I usually just come here with the guys after we go to the mud-wrestling tournaments."
27. "Hey, look at that guy. What's he eating? And look at that other guy. I wonder if he's gonna leave a tip? Look at those people. What do you think they're talking about? Ooh! That guy just spilled something!"
28. "I lost my job about a week after my father died. Then my wife left me. Then my dog got hit by a car. A couple days later, the landlord sent me an eviction notice. I hope I'm not depressing you, because I really am a fun guy. So anyway, now my neighbor is suing me in a property dispute, and...."
29. "No, the fries are only half-price if you get the burger AND the milkshake! What the hell's the matter with you?! Can't you read?! Are you stupid?!"
30. "Oh, God, it's eleven o'clock! I've got to get home before my wife notices I'm gone!"
Mickie
Any conversation that ends with "No, I'm no longer infected."
"this is where I bring all my dates."
"would you consider having my baby?"
Quote from: mickie on March 09, 2008, 09:01:14 PM8. "Nice dress. I have one at home just like it."
:laugh:
Perhaps instead try, "Oooooo -- I saw it at Ann Taylor Loft on clearance, but they just didn't have it in my size in a color that I liked!"
Or ... if not the first, then which date? Or is this supposed to be a pickup line?
(Sorry .... couldn't resist)
Quote from: Alyssa M. on March 10, 2008, 01:34:03 AM
Or is this supposed to be a pickup line?
Ha! ROTFL :D
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
or
That shirt is quite becoming on you. And if I was on you, I'd be coming, too.
"Waiter, I'd like the garlic and onions super plate with a side of broccoli and baked beans."
Waiter, I'd like the garlic and onions super plate with a side of broccoli and baked beans."
Ewww, if she said that and actually ate it, that would definitely be the end of that date right quick!!!!!!!
Mickie
You guys are friggin hilarious.
"SO uh.... how many dudes have you done? I bet I've done more than you!"
Hey Hon need a seat?
why dont you sit on my lap, we can talk about the first thing that pops up.
"That's not Viagra, that's Valtrex."
(also works as a thing you wouldn't want to hear on a second date :) )
"My mommy said I shouldn't date girls like you."
Quote from: lady amarant on March 08, 2008, 03:56:50 PM
It's amazing how natural your toupee looks...
That is so funny :D
Quote from: Kate Alice on March 14, 2008, 01:38:49 AM
Hey Hon need a seat?
why dont you sit on my lap, we can talk about the first thing that pops up.
OMG I think I should say that... kidding.. brilliant.. absolutely brilliant! ;D
I'm ready to start having children.
How do you want to split the bill?
You remind of me of my ex.Jay
"I hope you don't mind me bringing mother?"
"My body is a temple, will you worship me?"
Hi. I'm your gynocolagist, remember me? I think I remember you, weren't you the one w/ the pinkish lips that had a birth mark about half an inch to the left? Ms. Turner, right?
Do you like leather? I like leather and whips. And chainsaws.
Things Not to Say on a First Date
-I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem, but the last couple of weeks I seem to have got it under control.
-I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden, but could you lend me $500?
-I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much... thanks to the restraining order.
-There's $10 riding on me bedding you tonight.
-Do you wanna see my collection of Ted Bundy memorabilia?
-You could be a real babe if you lost a couple of pounds
-What are your feelings about whips and handcuffs?
-I won't be a minute, but I have to phone my mom if I'm out after ten o'clock.
-Would you like a lift home in my skoda?
-Wait till my wife hears about this!
Quote from: Shades O'Grey on March 13, 2008, 06:00:13 PM
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
or
That shirt is quite becoming on you. And if I was on you, I'd be coming, too.
or better:
Quote from: Randall Munroe
That shirt looks good on you, but it would look even better stuffed into the neck of a vodka bottle and flung burning through our office building's window. Let's f***ing do it and never look back.
... and more at
http://xkcd.com/279/.
xkcd #279
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimgs.xkcd.com%2Fcomics%2Fpickup_lines.png&hash=b7cafd2f871e7943873c2bf340e888a7b45526db) (http://xkcd.com/279/)
comments pop up when you mouse over comic at the xkcd websight.
my dad has genuinely told someone that they didn't sweat much for a fat girl, and he once asked one lady if she wanted a drink, or for him to eff off. She asked for the drink, and then told him.
thought your dad was a priest.
a minister, and only for seven years - he's done almost every job there is.
Quote from: Pica Pica on March 14, 2008, 09:40:51 PM
a minister, and only for seven years - he's done almost every job there is.
so this minister goes into this bar and says...
Quote from: ell on March 14, 2008, 10:12:41 PM
so this minister goes into this bar and says...
Why not come home with me and save yourself a trip later? We can sin and confess at the same time.
*runs for cover*
Quote from: DarthKitty on March 15, 2008, 12:44:06 AM
Quote from: ell on March 14, 2008, 10:12:41 PM
so this minister goes into this bar and says...
Why not come home with me and save yourself a trip later? We can sin and confess at the same time.
*runs for cover*
Hahahahahaha!
That just made my Saturday!
Quote from: DarthKitty on March 15, 2008, 12:44:06 AM
Quote from: ell on March 14, 2008, 10:12:41 PM
so this minister goes into this bar and says...
Why not come home with me and save yourself a trip later? We can sin and confess at the same time.
*runs for cover*
omg you.
can I play?
-runs to photobucket-
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi12.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa227%2Fpixieluvsall%2Fpervkittenlol.jpg&hash=3de864fb6fb9117fa9012f1675cc4d9093d0835e)
Want some more? :-)
You know, I've always admired serial killers. The devotion and single-mindedness toward thier goal is something more people should have.
i discussed the possibility of taking that up as a hobby the other day. What with the state of prisons, I would get free room and board, food and my own room. Where I could write my books and things almost undisturbed. Much better than I am now, working my arse off to nearly starve to death and have no time to do the thing I really want to.
Quote from: Pica Pica on March 15, 2008, 09:17:58 PM
i discussed the possibility of taking that up as a hobby the other day. What with the state of prisons, I would get free room and board, food and my own room. Where I could write my books and things almost undisturbed. Much better than I am now, working my arse off to nearly starve to death and have no time to do the thing I really want to.
Sounds like a positive career move, rather... :icon_chainsaw:
:laugh: :laugh: all very funny, I hope no one has actually heard any of these lol
My feet are aching, could you remove my shoes and massage my feet?
Blisters? Oh, could you pop them while you're down there?
Tetanus? What the hell is that? I've never had shots in my life!!
Quote: Things you don't say on a first date
hi, my name is jane doe and i'm ts ::)
Would you like to be buried with my folks?
Let take a picture of the two of us kissing so I can show it to the lads in work.
LL&R
Maebh
You're a handsome lad. Are you married? What do you do? Where do you live? That may give the impression you want to go home with them. Lol :embarrassed:
Quote from: Shades O'Grey on March 13, 2008, 06:00:13 PM
That shirt is quite becoming on you. And if I was on you, I'd be coming, too.
That one made me ROFL lol
"Your not as fat as my ex said you were"
"You're supposed to be home by 10....is that enough time for us to do it?"
It's the only two I could come up with off hand lol sorry if it's been said before i didn't look at everyones post :-X
Blokes shouldn't be asking if your boobs are real or implants.
What's with all those tattoos?
I can't understand your English
Do you own your own home?
Do you like kids?
Can you give me some naked photos of yourself? Lol :embarrassed:
So, shall we go to your place or my mom's?
I never said you NEED a nose job! I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it!
My buddy said you were a fun girl, when gave your number.
Have you ever been to an all you can eat sausage fest?
Hey Babe, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
I know your ex and the i would have broken up with you too.
the people at the asylum said i was better when they let me out!
have you ever seen a rash like this.
wow your more fun than your mom was when i took her out.
wow are they supposed to sag that much at your age?
you don't work for the police do you?
how would I look in a donkey suit?
I'm kinnda between places right now how big is your place again?
how many licks does it take to get to your center.
I swear the next time they won't catch me.
could you excuse me I need to call my parole officer
so I told my wife a threesome would spice up our sex life.
really you look much older than that!
what do I get if I guess your weight correctly?
are you a slut or do you just like to dress like that.
how much for an hour?
Well...I'm really glad you told me the truth and regardless of that I think you're a really cool person...you'll find the right guy one day.
They (a guy) spend the whole date talking about that fabulous trip to wine country with their mom, or sister.
You've got a ride back home right?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hunCPw_cWGI#noexternalembed (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hunCPw_cWGI#noexternalembed)
wow looking at you I just realized how lucky to be on a date with someone as good looking as me!
does this hat make my head look fat?
what would you do for a klondike bar?
didn't I see you at the last family reunion?
sorry I don't eat anything my mom didn't cook!
wow you looked better in your picture
he cheated on me so I decieded to give women a shot
I know I am attractive because my mom says so
do you like touching me as much as I like touching myself?
Nice bump, ell!
Quote from: Jessie_Heart on January 29, 2009, 09:54:03 PM
I know I am attractive because my mom says so
I actually dated a woman who said basically this, and it was pretty much the deal-breaker. I was somewhat interested in her, she seemed fun, she was reasonably good-looking, by no means unattractive, but hardly a stunner. But she insisted whe was very pretty -- everyone told her so. Well, I didn't care what other people thought, but her neurotic self-image was a real turn-off. I felt as though she was telling me to find her attractive, and it just made me see her as nutty, insecure, and maybe not all that pretty after all, now that you mention it.
And Jen -- I love riftgirlblog. Leith is hilarious; so is her guy, Les (l35i5m0r3)
Quote from: Alyssa M. on January 29, 2009, 11:07:25 PM
And Jen -- I love riftgirlblog. Leith is hilarious; so is her guy, Les (l35i5m0r3)
Hehe, Les is a cutie. =)
Why do they call you Dubya?
I only like guys with really small ones, I hear you'r ideal
I've got herpes but it doesn't itch as much as they say
How long do you last?
You've got spinach caught in your teeth
how do you feel about monkey suits and camels?
I am having a great time I sure am glad I lost that bet!
I have nails and electrodes at home wanna play?
don't worry I am sure you will find something better to wear next time!
did you really pay someone to cut your hair like that?
you think I look good in this wait till you see my spiderman PJs.
my husband doesn't get out of prison for another two weeks!
no really I am not disappointed I didn't expect you to be good looking anyway
I like you it is true what they say looks aren't everything
this resturant is great and they only have a few roaches
lets just stay in I don't want to be seen in public with you
ok thats enough about you lets talk about me some more
is that a tic tac in your pocket or are you excited
don't worry I am good at sex I have had plenty of pratice
we can go anwhere that cost less than $5
if I drink alot will you get better looking?
wow you have really big feet for a girl
don't worry the glove didn't fit so I was cleared of all charges
I heard this years ago.
It may be an urban legend.
On the wedding night, the groom says " can you take a really cold bath and then lie really still on the bed" He was a mortician, the bride left ASAP - before the bath.
so romantic
Cindy James
Don't talk about body parts and leave all of your wild party memories at home & when you talk to me, look at my eyes not at my boobs.
Wow, I never knew that tattoo on your shoulder was such pretty colours... it only showed up in different shades of green through my nightvision goggles.
Okay um heres a few.
Girl, Im gonna do things to you I learned at Seaworld!
Ive been told to have a rapist whit.
Ugh, god. have they found a cure for that yet? (the person goes what?) Oh, never mind.
Doctor says it should be cleared up in about a month.
Oh my god, do you love reading Harry Potter?
Sorry I cant go to the park. Something happened in the public rest room, and Im not allowed to be 100 ft. near children.
I work for Fox News.
...then when I came back from Montreal, I threw out all my guy clothes...