Hello, I am new to these forums, this is my very first post. If I posted this in the wrong forum, please move it to the appropriate forum. As you can tell from the subject, I'm looking for advice and opinions, anything really. Please don't hesitate to comment or criticism as you see fit, I'll accept whatever it is you want to say. My shown username is temporary, I may change it later, when I decide what path I will take. This post will be lengthy, please bear with me. And I'm being very honest here, please go easy on me.
First, introduction. I am male, twenty-three years old, living just outside Boston, MA. Why am I here, on these forums? Quite simply, I like to wear female clothing, to which I'll explain the reasons later. I should give some background information. I can remember having an interest in female clothes at least as far back as pre-puberty. I can remember getting a strange sensation in my private area, when I rubbed up against it, as early as the age of eight. I moved around a lot as a child, attending no less than eight different schools over my twelve year education. Thus, I never made friends easily, and I believe it was here that I developed a chameleon personality, changing who I was depending on who I was with. I consider it a series of masks, more on that later.
I will be honest with you. I have no girlfiend, and never had one. I am still a virgin. I cannot even tell you if I am heterosexual, bisexual, or even an in denial homosexual... or I'm just so desperate at 23 that I'll do anything. I'm not unattractive, I'm thin and intelligent-looking, with thin-rimmed glasses and long hair. I'm socially awkward, I suppose due in part to having moved from place to place as a child. And I'm even worse with members of the opposite sex. I blame my non-interest in dating as a teenager that I am clearly not ready for a real relationship in my twenties, as I have no experience and I admit I do not know how to be a good boyfriend.
I initially used female clothing as a means of enhancing masturbation. I could get aroused normally, but it is more of a turn on to be wearing something intimate, like women's panties, for example. I generally preferred things that were tight-fitting, that hugged the body, such as lingerie, leotards, swimsuits and the like. And there my interest stayed for years. But, like most things, it has grown, and now I can dress almost completely as a woman, including stockings, heels, and dresses, although all that is not required for sexual gratification. As of recent, I've started wearing female clothing just to wear it. Not aroused, not touching myself, just sitting for hours dressed up. I've tried talking to people of similar... interest via internet chat, and some of this has been useful, some has not. I'm always looking for a second opinion.
I should tell you I am a closet crossdresser. I've never even left the security of my bedroom... I do still live my parents. I've not told a single soul about this aside from the internet [near] strangers I mentioned before. I must tell you this is a source of shame for me, and I could never face my father if he knew. I have said and I honestly believe I would rather kill myself than face my father. Such is the relationship between fathers and sons. I suspect my parents suspect, but that is all. I've not gone in public dressed up, nor do I have any wish to. I would consider dressing up in a situation where it would be considered acceptable, such as a costume party or Halloween. I was/am an anime fan, so I include cosplay in this.
On that subject, and referring back to the mask bit, I play the role. Normally, dressed as a man, I play an ideal male role. I am strong, I try to use John Wayne as a basis. I am downright misogynistic at times. I believe I am a warrior, proficient with weapons, and I fulfill this through training and active competition. Like a modern day samurai, I am both fearsome in combat and educated, with an interest in the arts. (On a side note, I believe I was born into the wrong century.) However, when dressed as a woman, I play the role as the ideal woman, what the Japanese would call 'yamatonadeshiko'. I am kind, demure in behavior, polite, submissive and innocent. But at no time do I actually believe I am a woman, I'm just playing the role. It's a form of feminine expression, but there is no desire to actually be female. "I am secure enough in my sexuality (masculinity?) that I can dress this way and remain a man," so to speak. The clothes make the man indeed.
I am a man and proud of it. I am blessed in my manhood (read into that as you will), and I am certainly not interest in hormones or surgery. My long hair is as much a symbol of the warrior as it is a feminine expression. I've cut it only once since I started growing it, and I donated that hair to "Locks of Love" (for the cancer children). Similarly, I wear two black bands on my wrists. One contains a watch, but the other is a leather wristband. It too is a symbol of the fighter, but also (and I think intended) for bondage and submission. However, that is not to say I could not or would not change. Talking with people in some of the mIRC chat rooms, it seems they have similiar histories, but who can claim to be clairvoyant in such things?
Having read Dr. Bushong's article on what and who is transsexual/transgender (http://www.doctorbushong.com), which I found posted on these forums--and thank you for that--I can say that I am clearly genetically (as far as one can tell without tests) and physically male in gender, male in brain gender, nearly completely male in brain sex, but yet, I feel I have female gender identity. Let me give you an example. If I were to pleasure myself to pornography, say male/female just by way of example, I identify with the female. If I have it, I'll wear what she's wearing. I'm concentrated on her, and if I had to pick one, I would rather be her than the man. Sometimes I lie on my bed and try feel myself, pleasuring myself like a woman, but it usually doesn't work, so I masturbate like a man, but of course turned on because of the clothing. Is this fetishist behavior, or an expression of sexual pleasure in a female manner?
Is dressing up a source of sexual gratification for me? I cannot say if that is the focus of my behavior. The playing of the role, the recent wearing of clothes for hours by myself... it is hard to be certain. Then again, I'm 23 years old, I admit I'm just a confused young man, who's not even good at being himself, nevermind knowing who he is yet. I may not know that for many years to come, and I may change drastically in that time. I don't want to insult you, but I find it a little creepy to continue doing this when I'm in my 40s. I'll be old, and I believe someone of that age should have their issues worked out. If you are happy and at peace with yourself, I am glad for you, I wish I was too. I'm not sure on calling this an "issue" either. I am a naturally scientific and analytical person, I want a genetic, biological and chemical explanation for my behavior. I am positive it is there, but I have not stumbled upon it, but I cannot say I have exactly pursued it with all my resources. I am willing to take steps to achieve this goal.
So what is my question to you? It is "what am I?" Am I a fetishist, a crossdresser? An in denial something else? Please give your definition of such terms as to avoid confusion. What do you believe the focus of my behavior is? Do you believe I will change over the years as I get older? From your own personal experience, will I eventually want to eventually go out in public dressed up? Will my feminine aspects grow increasingly, at the possible expense of my masculine aspects? Or am I acting out the role of the female as a temporary replacement, because of the desperation of seeking an actual partner. What sort of decisions will I be making? What sort of decisions should I be making now? I have far too many questions which cannot really be answered by others, I know that. I am just asking your opinion of me, and any advice you have have.
I have some philosophies that may be important. One I feel is true is, "we spend so much time in our own heads, we can get ourselves to believe anything." It's easy to delude oneself. And I don't want to head down the wrong path in my own life if it's not my true self. But neither do I want to take the route where I may be a full time woman in my thirties or fourties because I believed the opinions of others, even professional psycologists or doctors that may say I have deep rooted rooted female properties based on what I tell them. I like clear answers, but there are none for the questions I have. I am good at seeing things to their natural conclusion, but I cannot do that here.
But still, I'm scared. I've not been scared of many things in my life, but I'm scared of this. I'm scared of myself, isn't that a funny thing? I'm scared of getting caught, of the consequences, and I'm scared of where it may lead. I would wish it away if I could, an who doesn't wish for a normal life, but I understand sexual drive to far too strong to be gotten rid of, so I've consigned myself that at the very least, I have a female clothing fetish, and at most... well who knows? That I am a woman inside, or want to be a woman, or maybe I just want to express my feminine side and act more effeminate without having to put on an act and wear a mask around other people. To throw off society's stigmatisms and truly be myself are my goals. But it is difficult to achieve that goal when you don't know who you really are.
If you have any following questions, I will gladly answer them. I am sorry if I have offended anyone with anything I have written. As I wrote this I was dressed normally. I should have typed it dressed up, I feel I could have more honest and in touch with you. As it is I've told you, the reader, intimate details of my life, I hope it is not disallowed to talk about. I didn't want to get too graphic with you.
I'll try to be brief. At the very least, you're a crossdresser. It sounds like more than a mere erotic thrill for you, as you indicate that you enjoy wearing women's clothing independent of any sexual context and that you identify with the female in certain situations. You're more than the proverbial "guy in a dress". My guess - and it's just a guess - is that in time the eroticism of it will fade or disappear, but your enjoyment of crossdressing will remain. You might have more substantial gender issues, but that doesn't by any means imply that you're necessarily transsexual. Plenty of people don't reside at the ends of the gender continuum but, rather, somewhere in the middle. I don't mean to suggest that you necessarily aren't transsexual, either. Keep an open mind as you explore.
Just so you know, you're not likely to encounter any clean, tidy scientific account of all this. A fair amount of research, theory, and opinion, maybe, but nothing you can tie a rope around. That said, welcome to the community. :)
Yours,
Celia
Hello Maiden, nice to meet you.
Quote from: maiden on June 09, 2005, 03:44:09 PM... I am a naturally scientific and analytical person, I want a genetic, biological and chemical explanation for my behavior. ...
I'm sorry I cannot give you that.
For perspective, when I was 23 I was a slightly confused young man, both horrendously lonely and decently depressed. At 30 I am a slightly confused young girl.
Quote from: maiden on June 09, 2005, 03:44:09 PM... who's not even good at being himself, nevermind knowing who he is yet. ...
I suggesting that you cannot be yourself without first knowing who you are.
Quote from: maiden on June 09, 2005, 03:44:09 PM... I don't want to insult you, but I find it a little creepy to continue doing this when I'm in my 40s. I'll be old, and I believe someone of that age should have their issues worked out. ...
I suggest that when you're 40 you'll not feel old yet ;)
From what I understand most people never work out their problems to any good degree, although this is largely speculation based, the evidence I have seen supports this conclusion.
The way I see things, you may (or may not) feel like dressing up when your 90. I see no reason to be ashamed of it. Gender is not a polarity. To treat it as such is folly.
Quote from: maiden on June 09, 2005, 03:44:09 PM... It is "what am I?" Am I a fetishist, a crossdresser? An in denial something else? Please give your definition of such terms as to avoid confusion. What do you believe the focus of my behavior is? Do you believe I will change over the years as I get older? From your own personal experience, will I eventually want to eventually go out in public dressed up? Will my feminine aspects grow increasingly, at the possible expense of my masculine aspects? Or am I acting out the role of the female as a temporary replacement, because of the desperation of seeking an actual partner. What sort of decisions will I be making? What sort of decisions should I be making now? I have far too many questions which cannot really be answered by others, I know that. I am just asking your opinion of me, and any advice you have have....
You are you. What you describe strikes me as the behavior of a crossdresser, but no crossdresser am I so quite clueless I could be ;)
I think the focus of your behavior is to express a part of yourself that you normally keep locked away. "Men" don't do girly things. *shrug* I mentioned previously that gender is not a polarity.
Statistically speaking going out dressed would not seem out of the question, nor that big of a deal. Just be careful and smart about it.
I think that the more one's femininity is ignored the more the desire torments us. I have no idea if femininity/masculinity feelings grow with age though.
In my opinion, I don't think we loose any aspect of ourselves unless we want to.
Decisions, decisions. I think you are doing the right thing exploring both your options and who exactly you are.
My advice is to keep asking questions (= After a time if you still have more questions than answers it may be beneficial to chat with a therapist with a gender clue.
Quote from: maiden on June 09, 2005, 03:44:09 PM
... Or am I acting out the role of the female as a temporary replacement, because of the desperation of seeking an actual partner. ...
This I can comment on very much.
I was always the woman in my sexual fantasies, almost always tied up as well. For me I always thought that I was just very lonely and thought things would be better when I was married/in a solid relationship (something of which I've wanted since 4
th grade.). At 29 I finally met a nice woman (in an online context by the by). I am quite fond of her but the closer and more serious the relationship became I noticed that the less and less I liked the though of both being the male and the husband. In fact is was though our conversations that I came to be aware of how much I was hiding, as I really did not think myself in such a painful state. She made me think.
In the end I started letting my (internet) wanderings wander and looked at a fellow player's (of Horizons) personal webspace linked from her forum entries. It was Dasha's story (http://www.miniclan.org/tigris/tg/dasha/index.html) (site also linked here at Susans, among others (https://www.susans.org/Youth/2062.html)) that made me realize, in no uncertain terms, who I was.
If she could be free so could I. I had to be.So, in my case my acting out of the female role was not a temporary replacement at all. Undoubtedly your mileage will vary.
It is probably worthwhile to go though and read a lot of TS stories though. A very common theme seems to be very masculine when in denial. An if nothing else, reading does not hurt, *thinks about that* Well, at least it isn't supposed to.
You asked if you may be in denial of something else, they way I read it "I am a man and proud of it." Is either a statement of fact, or one of denial.
So just to be intelligent and open minded about it all, if I were you I'd not cross out any possibilities at this time.
Please feel free to join in on the conversations.
Best wishes and welcome to Susan's most wonderful Place (=
(p.s. no need to make a new account if you end up feeling you need a new forum name; just PM an admin)
hello maiden,
I think you are in the early phase of discovering who you are. it is confusing and it seems impossible because there are two opposites pulling each way. i would suggust that many scientific studies start out this way but eventually, when all facts are discovered, a logical conclusion can be found.
There are some scientific studies giving possible biological reasons for gender identity problems.
http://www.transgendercare.com/medical/hormonal/brain_sex_diff.htm
This work is in its infancy though. Most of the thoughts i have have been posted above. You are a crossdresser for sure (obviously) but there may be more, you have great incentives to be in denial, as most of us do. Your relationship with your father seems to be a possible source for denial.
I would suggust, the next time your parents are out of the house and you have no fear of being discovered, you dress in a non sexual way, and when you get that comfortable feeling that you post again and see what your feelings are then.
please stay and chat with us maiden :)
love beth
Hello and Welcome maiden!
What a great open and honest post. You have just discriped not only yourself...but most of us cd's.
I agree with everyone of these things and I bet most other cd's do too...(do you cd's agree?)
QuoteQuite simply, I like to wear female clothing
QuoteI can remember having an interest in female clothes at least as far back as pre-puberty
Quote
I initially used female clothing as a means of enhancing masturbation.
QuoteAs of recent, I've started wearing female clothing just to wear it.
QuoteI must tell you this is a source of shame for me,
QuoteNormally, dressed as a man, I play an ideal male role. I am strong,
QuoteI am kind, demure in behavior, polite, submissive and innocent.
QuoteI identify with the female. If I have it, I'll wear what she's wearing. I'm concentrated on her, and if I had to pick one, I would rather be her than the man.
QuoteI want a genetic, biological and chemical explanation for my behavior.
QuoteBut still, I'm scared. I've not been scared of many things in my life, but I'm scared of this.
QuoteI am a woman inside, or want to be a woman, or maybe I just want to express my feminine side and act more effeminate without having to put on an act and wear a mask around other people. To throw off society's stigmatisms and truly be myself are my goals.
You ask....and I will answer them, not for all cd's...but from my perspective and how my life has been.
QuoteIs this fetishist behavior, or an expression of sexual pleasure in a female manner?
No, it might have started that way when I was younger, but it grew way beyond that quickly in my life.
QuoteIs dressing up a source of sexual gratification for me?
My cding is a part of my sex life because I feel so stongly that I should have been born a girl...so to be happy I express my femmness in all parts of my life, including my sex life.
QuoteIt is "what am I?" Am I a fetishist, a crossdresser? And in denial something else?
A crossdresser/->-bleeped-<-...and denial of it will make your life miserable.
QuoteWhat do you believe the focus of my behavior is?
To feel pretty, comfortable and to express your honest self.
QuoteDo you believe I will change over the years as I get older?
Yes I did, my tg desires have grown with my age.
Quotewill I eventually want to eventually go out in public dressed up?
Yes, to have interaction with others, while enfemm, will become very important to you.
QuoteWill my feminine aspects grow increasingly, at the possible expense of my masculine aspects?
Yes they will grow, but it is you (both genders) who are growing and hopefully you will be able to negate your gender seperation and grow into one person who accepts both genders in themselves.
QuoteWhat sort of decisions will I be making?
You will have to decide how to become happy with yourselve. That means decideing how you are going to deal with being a cd...(keep it a secret, tell a few, tell more, tell everyone - dress once a month, once a week, everyday - tell women, not tell women - and much more).
QuoteWhat sort of decisions should I be making now?
This is hardest question...that you can only answer. But I'll try! lol Decide what you can live with...and do that. You are still young and can have plenty of time to find yourself. You sound like you have reluctanly accepted it about yourself and that is a good 1st step. You should study about by reading all you can about others like you on the net...(what a great resource)
I want to give you credit for making this honest post...that is one of the best things you could have done for yourself at this point!
Good luck to you hon and welcome to Susans!
Love
Deb
Quote
Welcome to Susan's.
You ask "Who am I?" I think some of us here have been asking ourselves that question for a long time. I am about 40 years older than you and I still ask myself that question. I do not think I will ever stop asking it, nor do I think it is healthy to do so. As I think that great philosopher, Yogi Berra, once said, "Life isn't over until it's over."
Your story sounds remarkably like my own. I have been a crossdresser all my life and I never went out in public dressed en femme until about five or six years ago. Too bad--I think I might have passed better when I was younger. I went on my first date when I was in my 20's. I dated several women before I met my wife. We have been married for over 36 years. We were both virgins on our wedding day--not a bad thing at all. In fact I recommend it. The honeymoon is more interesting that way. My short advice is not to worry too much. Learn to explore and accept being TG. Being a crossdresser is not something that will go away. But it is something that you can live with and enjoy.
Unlike Deb who says that she lives 90% en femme, I live 90% in my male persona and 10% en femme. But I am always a little of both. Learning to integrate the male and female sides of my self has been a lifetime experiment.
Thank you everybody for your comments, I really appreciate your kind words and efforts to help me. As per Beth's recommendation, and I feel is a good idea as well, I am dressed up, although it's maybe a bit more sexy than it needs to be. It's all to be in the proper frame of mind.
I decided the day I posted that I would go see my psycologist, someone I've been seeing for a few years, although I had stopped seeing him for many months because I felt our therapy was the same reiteration week after week, or month after month. I saw him yesterday, and I'll try to recount some of what we covered.
According to him, this sort of behavior can usually stem from an overly dominate mother, and I can attest to that. My mother would mother me more than she had to, and she still does, but I suppose that's the way a mother is with her only son, although she may not be aware of it. He mentioned how my behavior may change when I have my own independent freedom. He asked how I would behave if I had my own place, and I remarked that I had this thought that I would crossdress far more often, simply walking around my house or apartment dressed up as a female. I feel this would be very liberating and very exciting to me. I don't know if the feeling is entirely sexual. He asked about my relationship with my sisters (I have two, both younger than I am), especially when younger, and I said we would play when we were younger, but as the gender differences begin to take hold as a child grow, they played Barbie and I played Rambo. Somehow we got to talking about school, and I admitted that I was somewhat admiring of female girlish behavior, as opposed to aggressive boy behavior. I liked how girls could act, how they could be cute and such behavior was considered inappropriate for boys. I suppose it was also due in part that I was picked on a lot in school, or rather schools I attended, and you tend to move away from the behavior of those that cause you harm. Who wants to become their worst enemy? It's also tied into my "mask" personality, where I wish I could put on a cute act and not feel abused for it. I don't feel it's contradictory with my warrior spirit as a male, because a warrior is honorable, and bullies are not. Right now because I'm dressed up, I'm feeling very submissive and vulnerable, a need to be protected, and would like very much to be rescued by the strong warrior who is my ideal as a man. I didn't mention any of that to my psycologist however. Maybe next time.
We talked about how I may change when I find someone appropriate for me, although I said that was not one of my priorities at the moment. I did remark about my theory that I crossdressed as a replacement for having an actual relationship with a female, and he seems to agree with this as being a possibility, and he said he knew someone that had the same behavior. I tried to get out of him what I would eventually turn into, but of course he was not willing to predict my future. I don't think I asked for his classification of my behavior, whether it was fetishist, crossdressing, or ->-bleeped-<-. I'm certainly forgetting or jumbling a lot of material we went over, but I made another appointment in a month's time.
I received a lot of questions from my father why I made the appointment at all; he asked if all I wanted was to see if it was alright, or OK, or normal, although he was speaking generally (I think), or maybe he just suspects something of me, but it could be anything from crossdressing to feelings of homosexuality. My mother asked me why I just couldn't talk to my father about whatever my problem was. Any answer I gave my parents was vague at best, or I got out of their lines of questioning by saying something facetious like, "I'm nuts, I'm going to kill some people, and then burn down the house."
I would also like to bring up something I just recently read about, transvestic fetishism. I believe this was the source of most of my behavior for years, if not still the main source of wearing female clothing. Am I not necessarily a crossdresser, or is it possible I am merely a transvestic fetishist? In your experience, did you start this way, and did it expand into crossdressing and/or ->-bleeped-<-, or is transvestic fetishism its own separate behavior?
Since going to my psycologist, I feel a lot better. It relieved part of that large knot in my stomach, simply telling this to another live individual. I admit when I went to go see him I was wearing women's panties, again, just so I could be in the right frame of mind for the therapy (although I didn't tell him that I was), at least in part. I wore them all day however, even going to bed and am wearing them now. I feel like I just didn't want to take them off. (Is that fetishist? Insofar that it may be a reliever of stress or tension.) Mostly without arousal, I am surprised at how I can wear female clothing and go for longer and longer periods of time without getting sexual excited.
Any further or additional thoughts based on this update? I'm willing to listen if you're willing to hear my story as it unfolds and develops. I apologize for these long posts, but I type quickly and at length, and hopefully all this material can aid you in your assessment.
hello maiden,
QuoteAccording to him, this sort of behavior can usually stem from an overly dominate mother, and I can attest to that.
I would be very leary of this explaination, i believe this type of "answer" is blatently false. Your therapist knew previously about your mother, so he was predisposed to come up with that answer. Since he said "usually stems" i would take that as him having very limited experience in these issues, possibly his only experience is with the other patient he saw. I am not saying i'm more qualified than him, just that you may want to seek another opinion before you believe that.
I could be wrong, it may be that he does not want to bring up gender issues unless you take him there. Some who are struggling emotionaly can falsely think they are transgendered/transsexual because of the "grass is greener" effect. When they learn of transsexualism, it gives them a defining answer for all their problems and it is seen like a chance for a new life. it seems easier than to have multiple deep rooted hard to solve problems. It is easier to define, but i'm not sure the road is easier.
i think you need to consider that your parents already know that you crossdress. it is impossible to hide things completely when you live in the same house. I would guess that your mother saw some of your things and discussed it with your father. I know that my mother knew when i was young, i was in denial of that fact back then, but know absolutely she saw the things i had. i was prolly about 12 or so and she never brought the subject up ever. it went with her when she passed away many years ago. If they have discovered this, you can expect them to think you are gay unless they have some understanding of transgender issues.
i am so glad you are feeling better and look forward to your next post. long posts are cool so no worries.
love and happiness
beth
Oh my, I didn't mean to misquote my doctor. I take that back, that he said "usually stems from". Maybe he said, "can stem from". In any case, my psycologist also saw my mother for therapy for some time, but it's been years though since he's seen her, so he knows my mother fairly well. Don't take my wording as specific, my memory isn't perfect, and I don't want to get anyone into trouble because I'm only half positive of exact quotes. Anyway, it's all rather Freudian, and we all know how much cocaine he did.
Actually, I had a collection of clothing once, and I suspect my mother found it, because I noticed it was missing one day and I never saw it again. It couldn't have been my father, because only my mother will clean my room from time to time. I started again, and no one has found anything yet, at least I assume so. Even so, I'm really not ready to come out of the closet and tell my parents that their son is a transvestic fetishist/crossdresser/transgendered person. I don't think I'd be disowned (but who can see that coming?), but life in my house would certainly become a lot more interest, and read that as difficult. However, if I did come out, I wonder if I could dress up around the house without worry, at least while guests were not over. Somehow, I doubt it. My psycologist agrees my parents are not the kind to fully understand this sort of behavior, but I didn't go directly into the subject with him.
I have some more things to say about masculine and feminine roles, but I have to gather my thoughts on it first before I flesh it out into words. I may want to see my psycologist first to see what he thinks, just for an opinion.
Hi maiden,
Well, it sounds like to me that you are making progress in finding self-acceptance...because at least your facing it now.
An online young tv friend of mine (is 25 and lives at home) just told her mother. She was very accepting and it has amazed my friend. Her mother told her she already knew.
QuoteI did remark about my theory that I crossdressed as a replacement for having an actual relationship with a female, and he seems to agree with this as being a possibility, and he said he knew someone that had the same behavior.
I find trhis far fetched...because I have cd'ed all my life...but aslo have always done well with the women. For me, having a gf did not ever stop my desire to crossdress...or even slow it down.
BTW I love your long post! Maybe next time start a new thread though :)
Love
DebTV
Hello everyone, I'm posting because I think I've come to a few realizations that I would like to say. I've finally accepted myself as a crossdresser, which is certainly more than the transvestic fetishist that I was considering before. I've come to this conclusion in a few ways. Firstly, I've been dressed up nearly every night I've gone to bed, I don't even wear my usual bed clothes anymore. And just last night, my parents had left the house to go out for the evening, and as soon as they left, I knew what I wanted to do, and so went searching for something feminine to wear. I went through my own collection and found nothing I wanted to put on. Then I started searching around, and I found a few dresses stored away in the attic, some even with the tags will attached, my mother having never even worn them once. I found this black dress with the tags dangling from it. It was long sleeve (a good thing, I have hair on my arms), came down to just above the knee, and it fit my body well, giving me a pretty feminine shape. I suspected it was old then, it certainly wouldn't have fit my mother now.
I found a pair of black thigh high stockings, and I also found a pair of black seude heels my mother had, so I took those. Before I put all this on, I went into the bathroom and shaved my face, something I don't do often (I usually have a fairly thick beard, I think it makes me look older, and combined with my long hair I somewhat resemble Johnny Damon of the Boston Red Sox). Then I dressed myself--yes panties too but no bra because there's nothing to support, and I had tried wearing one, but I thought I looked more ridiculous with it on than not, so I had some dignity about me and went flat-chested--and went to go have a look in the full-length mirror. I thought I looked passable, and with some makeup, I might have even been pretty. I immediately looked for a camera, so I could take a photo or two to show everyone, but the digital camera I found didn't have a flash card, and I couldn't find it anywhere. I eventually gave up looking. I went about my normal business. I walked around the house for the very first time dressed up; I let out the dog, which was very exciting because I had to actually leave the house, even for only a moment or two; and I sat down to watch some television. I was still very paranoid, and looked for my parents vehicle to pull into the driveway at any moment. But then I started thinking, and this was the most startling thing to me yet...
I had seriously considered just staying there, sitting on the couch, waiting for my parents to walk through the front door. I had wanted to get caught. In fact, I would have allowed myself to get caught. The fact of the matter is--and I ran this thought through my head several times--I'm a grown man now, I'm too old to be ashamed of myself, and it's about time I've come to terms with who I am and what I do, and I felt free and confident enough to share this with everybody... or at least starting with my parents to gauge how they would react. I felt nice sitting there wearing those clothes, I liked it, it was different and I felt I could express some other part of me that would not have looked right had I been dressed as a man. If I was comfortable like this, then my parents would have to be comfortable with it too. They may have gained a third daughter, at least part of the time.
On a side note, it's terrible how society does that to people, instilling gender roles based solely on genitalia, and how a man dresses should dictate how he should act. The fact that if I wanted to act feminine I had to dress feminine in order to get even a little acceptance (and even, maybe, to accept myself [psycologicially?]) and comply with social norms is a little unfair. If a man is dressed like a woman, and he acts like a woman, everyone around him will think to themselves, "well, he's dressed like a lady, so he's acting like a lady." Thus, he may be a perfectly straight male, but at the moment he's dressed like a female, so maybe it's just an act. If the same man was dressed as a man and acted like a lady, the thought that most often occurs would probably be, "well, he must be a homosexual." And I'm not a homosexual... at least I don't think I am. Speaking of homosexuals, I used to be a little homophobic. Now, I don't think I am anymore. I'm finally comfortable with myself, and thus, I'm comfortable with them. I don't have anything to fear anymore.
Back to my story, I believe I would have let myself be discovered by my parents as soon as they came home. But something happened, and my plan was foiled. My father's friend had shown up, I saw him outside on the cell phone, I suppose he was waiting for my folks to arrive so he could stop by and say hello or whatever. I ran upstairs, I was angry that this had happened. It would have been difficult enough doing it just with my two parents, but now it was impossible with him here. He's a loudmouth and a clown, and while he can make you laugh, I didn't want someone like him here when I came out of the closest, so to speak. I didn't want to be made fun of, and I didn't want to embarrass my father in front of others. I wanted his honest reaction, and I would only get it if it was just him and my mother. Soon enough my parents arrived, and I moved as fast as I had ever moved before trying to get undressed, just in case my parents came upstairs. I had to call down to my mother when she asked if I was home (of course I was, where else was I going to go?), and I struggled to undo all the little buttons and take off the heels and stockings, and then get redressed in my usual jeans and t-shirt.
I went downstairs to show myself that everything was A-OK. My mother asked if everything was alright, and my father was the first to notice that I had shaved my beard. They all seemed pleased at this. My mother asked a few more times if I was OK, and I just got angry and yelled at her for asking a stupid question. In reality, it wasn't so stupid a question, I was a little upset that I was ready to reveal myself and my plot had been dashed. Women are better at reading emotion in people, so maybe even deep down subconsciously she knew something was up. Of course my father agreed with me, he sees things only skin deep (although I suspect my father always has thoughts of ulterior motives with everything that everyone does... a piece of his businessman-like behavior). The only way to get through to him was for him to see his son wearing a dress.
I understand that it will not always be; dressed as man, act like man, dress like woman, act like woman. That as I get older, these two parts will eventually come together into one single person. The problem is, how does a person like this dress? Like I said up above, a man that acts feminine has certain assumptions made about him. As does a man dressed like a woman. While I'm sure I won't care what anyone else thinks, I am a believer in clothes make the man. For example, people dressed gothic are trying to tell everyone something about themselves. It's not for me how I dress (well, it is, but as far as going out into public), but for others so they know who I am and what I'm about, and if they approach me, that it's because they're OK with how I look. But if I'm neither all man or all woman (let's assume that physical gender and personality being opposite of each other), what does one wear? Will my personality change based on how I'm dressed, similar to how it does now? Or will it be more fluid than that; I will dress based on how I feel, rather than how I want to feel? These are the questions I try not to dwell on, I'm perfectly fine with seeing how things turn out naturally, as long as I'm honest with myself. This is how I've been able to make so much progress in so little time, because I've opened up to myself first, and everything else has fallen into place.
I just wanted to tell everyone this story, I hope it can help other young people who are confused about themselves. I admit I'm not experienced at all, but relating my story is the least I can do. Thank you for taking the time to read about me, and anything you have to say I'll be willing to listen to.
Thats a great story maiden, and I can see you are making some personal growth jumps....thats great.
One sugestion though...I found in my life that it better to tell others before they see you enfemm. It is shocking enought to hear, let alone to see it for the 1st time. Find that flash and take a few pics of yourself and when you tell them, if they want to see, you can show them a pic. They will have plenty of time to see your femme persona later.
Love
DebTV
I appreciate your advice Debtv, but I don't think it's for me. I wouldn't even know how to get started on that conversation, nevermind where to go with it. I think the overall reaction would be worse, because if I said to my parents that I liked to dress up in female clothing, I think it's a natural human thing to visualize whatever is said. Not to mention, if I come out and say it first, then eventually they'll have to see it for themselves, and their expections may interfere with how I actually look. Now if my parents just saw me for the first time dressed up, then the initial shock value is great to be sure, but it will subside and we can have a discussion on why I'm dressed like that, and I think they'd be more accepting that way, with the whole package right in front of them.
Also, given my "mask" personality, I would find it doubly difficult to breach the discussion, and I don't think I could as accurately tell my feelings about it when dressed as a male. After all, when dressed as a male, I act that way, and my ego is too big to really give my honest and true feelings, and it will simply get in the way. Women don't have that problem, at least not nearly as much as a man, who generally has an enormous, over-compensating ego. If dressed as a female, I could be more honest and get my thoughts and ideas to my parents much more clearly, and I think that's the most important thing.
Thank you for keeping up with my ongoing story Debtv, I appreciate it. Anyone else who has something to add, please jump right in and say your piece, I won't bite, I promise.
How we understand ourselves and our femininity evolves over time and with our interactions with others. Being envolved over 3-4 years here have changed how I see myself. :icon_chick: :icon_pelvic_thrust2: :icon_tetter:
I certainly understand what you mean by "mask" personality as I do that based on who I am around. For me though it's a survival trait. One I'm not fond of I might add.
I'm happy to chat, but I haven't felt I could add meaningfully.
A logical answer, hmm, now that it hard, as I have been searching for that quite some time. I my own case my pushing to transition, I have found out that I have a small Characinoid Tumor. "Carcinoid Cancer" is a stem cell cancer of the of hormone producing cells of the body. Now the "cancer" is in its early stages and not much of a threat right now. Of course I ask myself if this is my reason for my transsexualality, let's face it when you start screwing around with someone's hormones, the results are unpredictable. There's some food for thought.
But to as I found to be a good test, to find my true self, was to see a therapist and discuss it, for then you have a private, professional relationship, which can help you sort through things.
Being conscientious about how others perceive you is good, for that is what keeps you out of harms way.
Here's a thought, yes the mind can play tricks on us, but also I ask you to ask yourself, what is being male and what is being female? A stereotypical set of gender roles? Chromosomes? A woman taught my son's martial arts class. Does fighting, not make her a female?
I myself, cringe at the thought of becoming a famine male, but rather like the idea of becoming a masculine female.
Hi Maiden,
Thankyou for your contributions its relly nice to read others experience. I have one piece of advice and it relates to Debtv consider again her advice. I understand what you are saying about your masculine side and the trepidation that goes with it and that enfemme this are easier to verbalise but it is worth considering the effect on others who have not seen you that way before. Either way I hope all works out for you.
Shelley
Hi Maiden.
What I am going to tell you is something that will probably bring you little comfort. I don't think you can ever suppress the female inside of you that wants out. I only just managed to keep her at bay over the last 15 years but she still sneaks out from time to time in little ways. I let my hair grow long for awhile. I wear clothes that most other guys my age wouldn't be caught dead in. I don't mean the stereotypically gay looking clothes just that I try being color coordinated and I try and keep in shape. I also take Proscar for hair loss so I still have almost all of my hair. Even in the situation that I was in for the last 15 years I would still think about wanting to be a female. I don't think the desire ever leaves you. My relatives know about my past though they have never seen me as Morgan. Now though I am free again and will soon be living alone but am scared at the prospect. I think Morgan has become much stronger and she wants out. I am currently involved in a relationship with a woman from overseas and plan on brining her to the states next summer. She knows nothing about Morgan. I don't think she would be all that understanding if she knew. I already know that when I am in my new apartment that Morgan will get out. I am hoping that she will grow tired over the next few months and go back to sleep. If things don't work out with the woman that I am bringing to the states I know that Morgan will consume me.
Morgan
Seeing what others wrote along the lines of crossdressing, is important. I am sure most of us are glad, or regret the knowledge of our feminine natures that we had, when entering relationships. Lack of such knowledge would greatly hinder any type of relationship.
At the same time, you may try to lightly explore relationships (sort of dating) various types of people, or just hanging out with them. See what attracts, what repels, and what gives you those feelings. Being honest with what you feel.
At the same time I would work on becoming more independent from your parents.
It sounds like you are figuring things out. Very confusing, indeed, the mental holes that have been created by society. It sounds to me that you want to be what I like to call "fully human"
That is, you realize that masculine and feminine are not opposing polarities to be stuck on one end, but rather a complementary opposition where the true opportunist sits in the middle. Being both sensitive and tough, analytic and creative, thinking and feeling, masculine and feminine...in this way we bring out the better angels of our nature, by embracing all aspects of it.
I think over time you will merge your dualism, and it will become easier to dissociate clothing from behavior. Perhaps you could try wearing something gender-neutral when you are out and about?
Sorry everyone, I haven't kept up with the posts on the forum. Anyway, thank you all for your words and advice, I appreciate every response. Here's how my feelings have changed since my very first post. I'm not ill at ease as I used to be. I'm quite fine with being this way, I'm OK will letting time tell how it will develop and grow, if at all. I know all the answers won't come overnight. The only anxiety I feel is being discovered, but in some way, I want to be caught so it can be over and done with. I don't exactly hide who I am, but I'm not leaving it out in the open either. I have my feminine things tucked away in my closet or under my bed, I still go to bed in female clothes. I found a long silk nightgown my mother won't miss (and hopefully won't notice is missing) that I like to wear.
I found since I've been more honest with myself, that my sexuality is becoming more... open. Not that I think I'm homosexual, but there is a very real chance I could be a little bisexual. I think all humans have the capacity for bisexuality, because sex is merely a behavior, although male or female attraction is instinctive. Crazy idea, but maybe I'm trying to make bisexuality more acceptable to myself. Or maybe I'm just desperate for any sexual relationship. I have fantasies that it's easier to have homosexual sex than it is to have heterosexual sex, is this normal? Like a [close] bond between men, whereas with women there's performance anxiety? I don't know what it means, I haven't even told my therapist about it. I went to go see him recently, but there were no new revelations. I think I'd be willing to try your advice of mingling with various kinds of people wickham_kendra, but I still have no yearning of social interaction. I'm introverted that way, I was never comfortable in crowds of people I'm not familiar with.
I don't know how common or uncommon it is, but I've never given a single thought to giving my 'feminine side' a name. I've given myself 'maiden' on these forums because I couldn't think of a good female name. I don't consider my feminine side to be separate from myself, it sounds a little like a multiple personality to me. If it's inside me, or inside my head, then it's part of me, whether I want it or not. It's my choice if I want to integrate my feminine side into my life, but I understand that it is in all likelihood impossible to completely suppress or do away with it entirely. I do not want to delete my feminine side however, I'm willing to live with it. In what amount I'm not sure, I'm still not interested in leaving the house dressed up. I like being a male, but I think my ideal would be a shapeshifter in which I could change between the sexes at will. Nonsense of course, but it's a nice idea.
VeryGnawty, or anyone else who can help, what is gender neutral clothing? I wear jeans and a t-shirt all the time, all year round. If it's cold out, I put on a jacket, usually made of leather. I wear military boots all year too, jungle boots in the summer and heavier combat boots for the cold New England winters. My preferred colors are black and dark blue/indigo, although I do sometimes wear brown and tan and green. I don't wear tight jeans because I don't like them, same with tight t-shirts. Everything is loose, although I always have my shirt tucked in. I don't know how I can change this to look more gender neutral.
Thanks for putting up with me, and my long posts and my dark red colored text. I think these forums have helped a lot in being more free with myself.
I think that if you are seriously wanting your parents to see you first you could always dress up as a woman for holloween, and let them know then or later. But you did say that you wanted to get caught dressed up like a woman well this way maybe it won't be as shocking to them and you won't be as nervous, then again maybe you will be I'm not quite sure. Just a sugestion :angel:
Quote from: Celia on June 09, 2005, 06:41:13 PM
I'll try to be brief. At the very least, you're a crossdresser. It sounds like more than a mere erotic thrill for you, as you indicate that you enjoy wearing women's clothing independent of any sexual context and that you identify with the female in certain situations. You're more than the proverbial "guy in a dress". My guess - and it's just a guess - is that in time the eroticism of it will fade or disappear, but your enjoyment of crossdressing will remain. You might have more substantial gender issues, but that doesn't by any means imply that you're necessarily transsexual. Plenty of people don't reside at the ends of the gender continuum but, rather, somewhere in the middle. I don't mean to suggest that you necessarily aren't transsexual, either. Keep an open mind as you explore.
Just so you know, you're not likely to encounter any clean, tidy scientific account of all this. A fair amount of research, theory, and opinion, maybe, but nothing you can tie a rope around. That said, welcome to the community. :)
Yours,
Celia
great response!
The word men and the word women are very powerful words with lots of very strong taboos, fears, stereotypes, emotions, mental images, physical sexual reactions, boundaries, etc. attached to them. You can't wear that, women wear that. You can wear that, men wear that. Women's restroom. Men's restroom. Women do that. Men do that. Women's work. Men's work. Since birth society places us in one box marked men or one box marked women and we are supposed to be stuck there for life. It is dreadfully scary to crawl out of the men's box, and into the women's box. It's just as scary to climb out of the women's box and into the men's box. It is also dreadfully scary to climb out of your box and not crawl into any other box. When we feel that we do not belong in the gender box that society placed us in at birth and we have to crawl to jump or climb into the other gender box the imaginary terrible consequences almost paralyze us.
When we get up the courage to leave our birth gender box and move into the other gender box we are filled with dread and fear. Once we get into the other gender box for many of us much of what we feared would happen doesn't at least right away. Then we are filled with apprehension anticipating when the other shoe will drop. When is doesn't we start to explore, first in private, and gradually more and more in public until we identify totally with our new gender box and most of our fears and dreads have dissipated. A few of our fears were real, but most of them were not.
Some people, are so afraid they move back to their birth gender box only to spend a lot of time in both or outside either gender box. Some of us adapt so well to our new gender box that we can't realize what it was like to live in our birth gender box. Then there are others who have constant fears and dreads the rest of their lives.
Transitioning is a process that goes on your whole life with each person taking more and more personal control of the changes and letting go of the unreal fears and dreads.