I've been lurking at Susan's now for a few months, making an occasional post, but realized yesterday that I have never formally introduced myself.
I'm 52, an accountant by profession, and like a lot of other MTF's here, have been 'dressing' and dealing with feminine feelings for a long time. I've been in therapy for the past three years primarily for gender dysphoria and depression. I suffered with a bout of major depression that sidelined me for the better part of two years (2002 to 2004). Since early last year, I've been out in public a number of times as "myself". It keeps feeling more and more natural to be "Carol" than "John".
I have to operate in stealth, however, as my wife doesn't believe anything that the therapist and I have discussed. She told me to leave if I ever "felt like a woman". She can't see the feminine side of me, and I doubt if she ever will. My "outings" have to be totally in secret, and in places where I'm unlikely to be seen by those we know.
Even though I enjoy being Carol, I still somewhat relish the role as a husband and father. My children are grown, so we have an "empty nest" most of the time. I'm sure the question will be asked, "Why don't you separate?" I have a HUGE fear of failure. Somehow, some way, I need to be sure that I want to make Carol a permanent part of my life before I separate from my wife. I have had a number of "failures" in my life since 1998 (job changes and financial) and I admit that I constantly berate myself for them. So it's important that I don't just "up and go" without really KNOWING if I'm really TS or just some mixed-up weird crossdresser.
As for "passing", I don't know whether or not that I do. The only stares I get are very occasional, and are from teenage girls (they would pick up ANYTHING awry). I've been "maam'd" a number of times, and in spite of little voice training, have even held a conversation with a gg outside Wal-Mart one day. I've even tried on clothes as Carol without a stare from the dressing room attendants.
I'm on a light dose of Premarin right now, though probably not enough that you could call it HRT. I've been on a number of antidepressants and other neurological medications the past few years, and only tried estrogen out of pure desperation when the others quit working. It's had a profound impact on my ability to think, work, and stay calm under stress. Strangely enough, my wife accepts the estrogen as a necessary evil, and has remarked that the difference in me using estrogen versus not using estrogen is profound. There's a terrible temptation on my part to vastly increase the dosage, but until my mind is more settled, I'm reluctant to do so. I think that suddenly growing breasts would be the wrong way to end my 26 year marriage.
That's really it for now. I plan to keep on posting here, hopefully gaining knowledge from those who have blazed this trail before.
Carol
Hello Carol.
I'm glad you stopped lurking, it's no fun sitting in the wings watching the world go by. Step out at take part. Since you have been lurking you are probably well aware of what Susan's is all about. Do take part in the Forums and don't for get the Chat and there is lots of info in the Wiki. Relax and have fun you are among friends.
On a serious note, from your intro you seem to be self medicating. While we fully understand the desperation that many of us face we cannot condone or support this practice. You are risking serious health problems and complications and we recommend that you seek competent medical advice on this matter.
If I read your post wrong, then please forgive me and feel free to bop me on the head (But not too hard)
Chat later.
Steph
Steph,
I'm not self-medicating at all. I'm working with an internal medicine doctor who has prescribed the Premarin to me, and also monitors my thyroid.
Carol
Aha,
Then feel free to bop me on the head Carol :)
Steph
Welcome Carol!
I can truly empathize with your dilema, I had many of the same concerns that you write about. For me, the feeling of being wrong all the time has grown to where I'm concerned about very few other people's opinions.
You wrote about your wife, She told me to leave if I ever "felt like a woman". . Maybe using some of the resources that you can find here at Susan's you can begin to educate her to the point where she can make an informed decision about remaining with you. If she's anything like my SO it will be a slow and sometimes infuriating process but I see progress here at home and still have hopes of staying together. But I have to ask, because I ask this of myself: why should it be YOU that leaves?
If you keep reading and occasionally posting here I'm sure that you'll benefit a great deal. I sure have. I'll be looking forward to reading more from your point of view and am happy to again say,
WELCOME!
helen
Oh, Steph! I'd never bop you on the head! I know that you were only thinking of my well-being. And like you, I'm against self-medicating. Otherwise, I would have ordered sublingual estradiol from overseas long ago....
And Helen, there's no way that I'll ever "educate" my SO - she feels very strongly about the subject, and she is a "black-white" kind of person. She's already made it clear to me - either I'm totally male or I'm gone.
What will have to take place, I feel, is that I will NEED to be a woman (in my feelings) more than I need to be with her. When that happens, the choice will be simple - either I stay with her and have to be committed to a mental institution, or I leave and keep my sanity. It will be simple - I'll vote for sanity. I'm not ready to die - I decided that long ago.
Thanks everyone for your welcome. I look forward to posting here (as well as just "lurking".
God Bless,
Carol
Hi Carol
It took me a while to get online here, but I am now so glad that I did.
There are a wonderful group of people to help and support you through this very hard journey.
Love
Caroline
Wow....your situation is much more like mine than I wanted to admit.
All I can say is I'll give whatever help I can, when I can.
Julie
Carol, it sounds as if you are going into this with your eyes wide open.
If you can be unattached to the outcome, perhaps the universe will solve the problem in a way that will let you stay together. But solve the problem it will ... and for the highest good of all.
If you have to part, may you part with love.
My husband and I saw my ex at a party last week. I looked at her at the next table, sitting with our grown daughters and her friends, and wondered how life would be if she had been able to give me the acceptance then that she seems to give me now.
Quote from: carol_w on April 29, 2006, 11:47:19 PM
Oh, Steph! I'd never bop you on the head! I know that you were only thinking of my well-being. And like you, I'm against self-medicating. Otherwise, I would have ordered sublingual estradiol from overseas long ago....
And Helen, there's no way that I'll ever "educate" my SO - she feels very strongly about the subject, and she is a "black-white" kind of person. She's already made it clear to me - either I'm totally male or I'm gone.
What will have to take place, I feel, is that I will NEED to be a woman (in my feelings) more than I need to be with her. When that happens, the choice will be simple - either I stay with her and have to be committed to a mental institution, or I leave and keep my sanity. It will be simple - I'll vote for sanity. I'm not ready to die - I decided that long ago.
Thanks everyone for your welcome. I look forward to posting here (as well as just "lurking".
God Bless,
Carol
Hello Carol W
It seems that you have your priorities well laid out and that is half the battle. Many proceed with transition without a plan, sort of spur of the moment and hope for the best and if they are not careful problems have a way of piling up on them. Having a plan will make life easier and help greatly in heading off problems instead of waiting for them to occur.
Keep us posted.
Steph