A question aimed at those who felt being TS is more of a curse before they started to transition, did transitioning lift that feeling at all?
I'm at a standstill, and with the way I absoluty hate being TS, yet the longing to transition for the inner peace I am certain it will bring. I'm just wanting some general info before I caugh up money for a therapist.
Maybe my problem is I don't want to be tossed back into the "total rejected by society" area again. I just have a feeling if I do start to transition, I won't want to stop, but then maybe it's survival instincts tell me it's a bad idea since I will once again be an outcast. That my large size of 6'4'', and a frame that is larger than the average female will prevent me from ever passing as one. Even though I have been ma'amed twice by customers at work, and I was not in anyway trying to act feminine, I have mixed feelings if I could pass all the time. Maybe what I need is a big boost in confidence. But deep inside, I feel I was wronged at birth. Being givin a body that didn't match my brain, or maybe a brain that matched my body.
The same sort of feelings you're having were a big part of what kept me from transitioning for many years. I finally came to a point, though, where I realized that I could be an outcast either way, whether I transitioned or not. Holding my feelings in, hiding my 'secret', kept me from ever being able to really open up to anyone. How close can you get to someone when such a major part of who you are is kept hidden?
At least if I were to transition, I could be myself at last. Some of my friends might have nothing to do with me, and some might even hate me, but at least there would be the posibility of having an honest and open relationship with someone.
I came to care less and less about how society would treat me, and more and more about my own ability to survive. I knew that if I didn't change, the pain and depression would eventually kill me.
I developed an attitude: If I could pass just well enough to leave people in doubt, enough to where most would be hesitant to confront or publicly ridicule me, then I would be happy. It would be better than the alternative.
Surprisingly, it's turned out much better than that. All of my friends and family have been supportive. I'm beginning to pass most of the time, and it's improving every day. If I get the job I've applied for, I could be living full-time in two weeks.
Spend the money on a therapist. A good one can help you explore your feelings and determine just how far you need to go, and what it will take for you to be happy.
Just don't wait as long as I did to uncover the truth.
Lonewolf,
I tend to agree with Annie. I know before transitioning I was pretty much a loner and I never really fit in. It wasn't my physical appearance but about me. I didn't care about what guys really did, but really loved to have fit in with the girls. Neither one accepted me. I did get married and I'm still married (37 yrs) and I have been post op for two years now and would not have changed a thing. 20/20 hindsight, I wish I could have gone through all of this before I got married, but then I would have missed out on the love of my life. Then I wish I could have transitioned earlier in life, but things were not right for me and I was afraid then. I have done it now and I'm very happy for it. If you think that your body would give you away, think again. At least you were ma'am before you even started transitioning. When I started I was 260lbs and I had fairly good size arms 17" bicepts, now I was a little overweight but most of it was muscle. I worked as a meatcutter and lifted 100 to 200 lb boxes on a daily or I should say hourly basis. I didn't at all look fem. Now after 6 years I have lost most of my muscle and have dropped 50 lbs and I do pass most of the time, some look at me and think is she or isn't she. Get a good therapist and work on your problems. You may not want to transition afterall.
Sheila
LoneWolf,
I have to echo Annie's feelings on this.
You really need to spend the money on a therapist. You will absolutely HAVE to be comfortable with the idea of being totally rejected by society, or at least having those feelings occasionally. During transition, you may feel that you're an outcast from time to time.
The therapist will give you ideas to boost your confidence. I've been in therapy with a gender specialist for two years, and without her suggestions, I'd be nowhere (except having severe depression again). She was the one that talked me into getting a wardrobe and going out in public as Carol. Whenever I appeared in her office "dressed", she gave me a big confidence boost by telling me how well I passed. (And it wasn't just talk – I DID end up passing better than I thought I would.)
In any case, you'll need to develop a STRONG support structure in order to transition. The therapist will be a main part of that. If the therapist is worth anything, he/she will be able to be honest with you and tell you if you're strong enough to do it. Transition isn't for the faint of heart, and being totally open will guarantee (as much as possible) that you won't end up as a suicide statistic down the line.
Like Annie said – don't wait. The longer you wait, the more the feelings can confuse and overwhelm you. I paid a huge price (severe depression lasting almost two years) by waiting and trying to "stuff" them. Believe me, you can't put the "genie" back in the bottle. You have to deal with it.
Best of luck to you, and feel free to pm me if you have any questions.
Carol
Quote from: LoneWolf on May 03, 2006, 11:19:01 PM
I'm at a standstill, and with the way I absoluty hate being TS, yet the longing to transition for the inner peace I am certain it will bring. I'm just wanting some general info before I caugh up money for a therapist.
A good therapist will help you sort out these feelings, helping you to find an appropriate solution for YOU.
I share your concerns and insecurities, being 6'2" myself. But what I keep finding is that my feelings and fears are continuously evolving and changing as I move along now. There was a time when I would laugh off advice like, "passing isn't so important - being true to yourself is what counts" as being naive and unrealistic. Nowadays... I dunno, it just seems that this whole TSism thing grows and matures as you delve into it and turn over all the stones. The fears which are preventing you from exploring your options may end up evaporating along the way. It's a bit of a catch-22, but sometimes I think we need to trust ourselves, and the process with a huge dose of "this too shall pass" faith while unfolding our true selves.
QuoteI just have a feeling if I do start to transition, I won't want to stop
Oh, I know that feeling! I actually started therapy and this whole "what can I do about this?" investigation fully expecting to find some compromise, some "coping" solution to alleviate the angst without transitioning. Honestly, I figured it was some mental disorder or sexual obsession I could "solve" somehow.
Yea, things haven't quite worked out that way. I'm sitting here right now all red-spotted a day after getting my beard fried off by a laser (round #2). It really does seem to have a bit of a "slippery slope" aspect to it... but ya know, I don't think even I take my "no, please, no!" feigned protests seriously anymore.
For me, transitioning totally eased those feelings. I'm so much more at home with myself and my only regret is not having done it earlier.
And there are lots of beautiful, statuesque women your height. I turned into a really short guy (5'5"), but now I notice, there are a whole lot of other short guys around. It doesn't affect my ability to pass. I've noticed lately there's even a little bit of a short guy cameraderie, a nod of the head whereby we little guys claim a little kinship.
Dennis
I am 5'11", almost 6'2" in heels which I do have on quite a bit. I used to lift weights and have broad shoulders. The hormones and cardio took care of a lot of the mass. I thought that I would never pass at all.
The fears were for nothing. I pass fine. If I were to keep my mouth shut about being T I would have more dates. I tend to attract straight guys and lesbian women, both of which eventually freak out over the anatomy. Do I still view it as a curse even though I have pretty much integrated in with society? Yes, I do. Although it has helped me help a couple that are good friends of mine. Communication issues can be a realy pain.
Being tall you will be asked to reach things on the top shelf while the smaller women tell you how lucky you are that you are tall. The broad shoulders help keep a purse on them, another point of envy. It can be a real pain getting clothes in the right size though.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Quote from: Dennis on May 04, 2006, 04:40:50 PM
I turned into a really short guy (5'5"), but now I notice, there are a whole lot of other short guys around. It doesn't affect my ability to pass. I've noticed lately there's even a little bit of a short guy cameraderie, a nod of the head whereby we little guys claim a little kinship.
Yah, Dennis, RubItIn... ;)
The gender association I just joined has about a quarter to a third t-guys. They pass SO-O well, even the ones that haven't had their top surgery yet. I'm just a lot envious of that ability...
<ahem, back on topic>
I'm just now starting my third month of HRT, so the changes aren't far along. But the biggest change so far happened at the start when I gave up trying to fit in and be a guy and accepted myself completely, including my (for want of a better term,) trans-ness. That wasn't easy, what with all the rejection and bigotry that being known as a transitioned transsexual can bring (fear of the unknown but vividly imagined.)
But there was also a wonderful release from struggling to be something I wasn't cut out to be. Away with the strain of trying to build and maintain a role I had to create, away with the almost-constant monitoring and self-censorship, and the shock and embarrassment of sudden, inexplicable slips. Now I just have to learn to deal with those occasional bigoted gender-police I encounter and their attempts to stuff my trans-genie back in her bottle (and there are some people who will try repeatedly to put toothpaste back into the tube, too...)
Get a therapist (my me-too statement...) Some of the best stuff I get from mine is the tangential stuff that opens up my mental stage, as it were, and shows me new points of view I can examine my transition from. Of course, YOUR Mileage May Vary, but it will be beneficial.
Karen
buying clothes off the rack you'd think there is no such animal as a female over 5'10"...
My father's side of the family, the ladies were all over 6 foot.
Carry yourself with a regal bearing, you will possibly generate some envy and jealousy, but admiration is admiration....
My wife is about 5'10". I'm actually 5'9 1/2" (at least before HRT). I may be shorter now, but I don't have the means of measuring myself right now.
Melissa
IMHO, THE most important step is to find a gender therapist. I'm glad that so many have mentioned it. I'd point you to a couple of good websites that list therapists, MDs, support groups by state and surgeons , too, but I've been reminded nicely by a moderator and the owner that we are not allowed to mention any websites or give any links. I suppose it's okay, if you're interested, to PM me and ask for the info.
(I've asked Susan how best to provide support without providing the location of support information. I'm sure she has a process that I just haven't thought of yet. I'm so used to pointing folks to government and transinformation sites, that I have to become very careful not to do so here.)
I'm reminded of a woman sitting next to me on a plane flying to Alaska to join a glacier cruise. I was so sure she was one of us, that I began talking about being trans. I mean, she was way over 6 feet with hands and fingers bigger than mine and some quite male facial features. Unfortunately, my gaydar let me down that day; she was a tall, big boned GG. Of course we bumped into her aboard ship on more than one occasion.
I think that confidence is one of the most important aspects of passing. As you transition, you'll find a style that's both age and location appropriate and flattering to you. Sure, some people will stare - especially early one. Don't feed their doubts. Just give them a big smile and keep on walking.
Another thing that can helped me was to remember that what other people think about me is none of my business.
Dia dhuit.