I have been married to my husband, 48-year-old CD, for two years now. When we first met 4 years ago I was attracted to how very masculine he was. I learned about his crossdressing within the first year together, and while shocked at the time, have learned to accept it as part of who he is. However since our marriage he gradually changed: doesn't want to have sex and sometimes is not even aroused unless he is dressed or talking about it while making love. He is forever looking at porn on the internet - mostly ->-bleeped-<-s, lesbians, or two men.
Another thing I thought odd, was that he has never been able to become aroused while having intercourse. When I asked him the reason behind this, he gave me answers such as "I'm afraid of getting you pregnant", or "Some ex-lovers have complained that it hurts", which is nonsense, because he is not aggressive.
At first he only occasionally wore women's clothes, but he has become progressively more feminine, i.e., buying a new wig, buying fake breasts, etc. It is starting to turn me off to see him dressed. I used to think it was sort of sexy, but now I find I can't look at him dressed. I go to bed later than he, and get a twinge of anger when I go to bed and he is wearing a bra.
We've talked about my feelings, and while I am trying to be supportive, and compromise, he feels hurt and says he is going to throw everything out, or stop dressing for 5 months, or a week... And everytime we go away for a weekend, it is like an excuse to fully dress up, instead of having it be a time together.
Help!! In every other way he is kind, loving, hardworking - it's just messing up our sex life.
Welcome!
Strongly consider seeing a marriage counselor who is knowledgeable in gender issues. I am sure that with clarification, communication, and good-will, you will both be happier.
It may be that your husband has some individual things to work on, as well. I'm not pathologizing. Just wondering if sitting down with a good therapist may help him, too.
Namaste, Tara
The key to anything is balance. My ex loved the fact that I was hard working, a good provider, gave her a lifestyle beyond what she would have ever done on her own - on the other hand, it took all my time, and when push came to shove, the money, the cars, the houses, the vacations were not enough considering I was never around. Sadly I learned that lesson one ex wife, one less house and a lot of money too late - I have changed however - gave up one of the two jobs, and work the other a lot less. So change is possible.
So try to find a way to work to a happy medium. Some time for each. An outside person might be of help.
The sex thing will take a lot of work, as his excuses are total BS.
I'm really new to talking about this. I've never spoken to anyone about my husband being a CD. I don't know if the fact that he is dressing more often suggests that he is unhappy with his masculine side, or whether this elevated behaviour is a normal 'pattern' with CD's.
As for seeking outside help- he would rather die than have anyone know (other than the anonymous people in Yahoo chatrooms) about his afinity for women's clothing.
Well shame is often a part of all of this, a part that makes it much harder to deal with. It also cuts out a lot of fun and companionship. I would encourage him to find a support group, or some social group, that would help and be a good first start.
I certanly would like to add my comments to this, I am not a cross dresser but concider myself trans gandered. Your husband has some private issues, sexual arousel about wearing female clothing is different to cross dressing. I think you should ask him to be frank with you and ask him what he really wants out of your relationship. It may be a sexual thing and it may be hes interested in transition in to female. I think that the two of you need to be truthfull with each other. This has oviusly become a problem so talk about it.
Marrage cousiling is a good idea but first I thing your husband may need to see a gender therapist to find out what he wants or is getting from cross dressing.
Please be paitient its not and easy or quick turnaround.
I hope you both well
Love lucy
Thanks Lucy... that is what I am afraid of the most - that my husband wants to take this further. From the literature I have read on the subject, most crossdressers don't do so for sexual gratification (anyone feel free to correct me), but my husband dresses specifically for sexual arousal... thus the lack of intimacy between us when he is not dressed.
I would try and broach the subject, but he doesn't like to 'analyze' the subject - he would rather I just accept it silently, and happily.
Anyone aware of a good advice in the Montreal area?
sounds like there are some layers here, many centered around communication issues. I agree, therapy with someone experienced with transgender and also cross dressing issues would be ideal. It could be he is realizing he is transgender, and is afraid to face it, or it could just be he is having shame about the cross dressing desires.
If you write a letter to him, with your concerns, maybe he can get past his shame or whatever, and hear you better.
I don't know enough about the ins and outs of crossdressing to help you more. I am female to male transgendered, but before I came out, I was subtly trying to let myself and partners know for over 12 years.
Not sure where you live, exactly, but Iwould look to callthe nearest gender therapy institute, or google for gender therapists in your area.
Good luck.
Joseph
Mrst,
Advise him that you want a heart to heart discussion about this. You have the right to know how he feels and what he wants from your relationship. I would give him a chance to get professional help if he wants it.
But ... and I really hate to say this.... if you can't deal with this, leave him. Make a list of the things that you need to make the relationship work. Let him know that these are the expectations you have out of the relationship. Be frank and honest. Don't get emotional. He should do likewise. If you can't work it out, leave. It's not worth it hon. Life is too short to be dealing with these issues.
My heart goes out to you. I hope that you find happiness.
Cindi
Secrets are problematic. Sometimes they keep things from being looked at and dealt with properly.
Tri-Ess is worth a look. An organization for Cross-Dressers. Excellent for support, less secrecy (but still confidential), and might be a good avenue for you both to explore.
Don't panic!
You seem to be doing an excellent job at trying to understand and explore what's going on. You obviously have a good heart.
Much luck to you, friend.
Namaste, Tara
that my husband wants to take this further.
Further how? Have a relationship with a guy? Go the SRS route? Start going out dancing once a week? Start dressing more andro, or more openly?
From the literature I have read on the subject, most crossdressers don't do so for sexual gratification (anyone feel free to correct me),
Sure I will, at some point, this is a prime reason. It can, and often does, fade with time and exposure. It may not be true for TS, but it is for CD at some level.
but my husband dresses specifically for sexual arousal... thus the lack of intimacy between us when he is not dressed.
Well he has his needs, wants, desires, and fantasies - and you have yours - both are equally valid. In a relationship both have to be meet. Indulgence (as in being GGG as Dan Savage would have it) is a two way street. He might like to get dressed up and perhaps have you do the same, all femmy and silky and soft - I know I do, but I also know that from time to time I have to reverse all that, and get a little rough and macho. And no, I'm not talking about anything abusive, but coming home from work, with the tight jeans, the work boots, the tool belt, the black shirt with the sleaves ripped off, sweat and a bit of dirt, some grease, hell, even a touch of dried blood and a good bruise, well, it does turn some women on - particularly when they are constantly surrounded by metrosexuals in suits.
I would try and broach the subject, but he doesn't like to 'analyze' the subject - he would rather I just accept it silently, and happily.
Well, that ain't even going to happen, and the people I know in happy relationships with this have talked it through so that both parties know the score.
it truthfully sounds like he is in denile of his prolbem as many of us know you can not just throw it all away and except it to be gone no matter how hard we try cindi is right get the help but at the same time understand that he is the one with the issue if you are not comfertable with the situation and he will not try to get answers then by all means get out do not let it drag you down you are a person too
he has to understand just as he has needs you also have needs and these need to be met at the same time I understand that there is much confusion that is in you as well as I am shure that you are a little angery that you didnt know about this in the begining just as many of us we also were also confused imbarased etc to reach out at first he has to know that it is ok if they are gender frendly then there will not be any critism of him and he needs this reasurance of this cindi said it make a list let him that you are not into (?) the lez seen that you need a man my guess is that like some of us this has haunted him most his life and he need to find the solution to all this he will never be able to do it on his own this defantly takes counsleing do not worry about the costs there are counslers that take most inshurences and if you both dont have inshurence then there are thouse that work on the sliding fee scale I rember when pippi first found out about me it was hell to pay at first but then she started to learn she gave me the push I needed to get the help that was so badly needed also show him if this is what he wants ( if you arent into the lez seen) tell him to get his own clothes but only if he sees a counsler with you and be firm that you will not except the lez seen the counsler is the most important key to this all but do not exust yourself if he doesnt want to coperate I had to learn to respect pippi's wishes and her privicy she even told me that I was never a man and I had to truthfully agree with her no matter how hard I tryed to be something that I wasnt I only made myself unhappy as well as others around me this is were the counseling came in it helped me to identify this all it brought the confusion into light after several mounths of counseling my relationship changed I started to respect her feelings then we started to look at each other as good friends kinda like sisters but even this is not for every one you have to make the desision for your self as to were you will be he will be on and has prolbly been on a rollercoster ride most of his life and it will not stop untill he comes to the relization of what is underlieing inside himself
I want to wish you the best of luck
rember you can not help someone that doesnt reach out for the help
Kristin
You know..I think it was John Stewart that said in response to a certain pastor that got caught being gay...."When my dad caught me smoking he made me smoke a whole carton of cigarettes and that pretty much got me to stop"
Either you are a smoker or you are not....
I did try and broach the subject on the weekend, and first he told me that he will not shave his legs all summer, because I hate when he dresses up. I explained that I'm ok with that part of him, but I also want and need the male side of him and that I didn't expect him to just throw away (purge) that part of him.
This ended that discussion, then the next day he asked if I would wash his new wig the next time I had a shower!!
He just doesn't seem to want to sit down and really discuss this. It's frustrating, but I'll keep at it.
Thanks for all the advice.
Quote from: mrst on April 01, 2008, 10:12:21 AM
I did try and broach the subject on the weekend, and first he told me that he will not shave his legs all summer, because I hate when he dresses up. I explained that I'm ok with that part of him, but I also want and need the male side of him and that I didn't expect him to just throw away (purge) that part of him.
This ended that discussion, then the next day he asked if I would wash his new wig the next time I had a shower!!
He just doesn't seem to want to sit down and really discuss this. It's frustrating, but I'll keep at it.
Thanks for all the advice.
This is terrible. Such a rough dismisal of your concerns, as if not shaving his legs all summer is going to fix everything. It sounds like he is totally shutting down communication. This is obviously consuming his life and yours.
You have been nothing but supportive and I applaud you for that. The fault lies with your husband. It might be that he can't control his urges but he needs to learn to communicate for it to work out.
Maybe you need to lay your cards on the table and tell him that he needs to start talking about how he is feeling or he is going to lose you. He might be not telling you through fear of losing you but at this rate he is going to lose you anyway.
He can wash his own ->-bleeped-<-ing wig. Cheeky bastard.
Quote from: NickSister on April 01, 2008, 07:41:14 PM
He can wash his own ->-bleeped-<-ing wig. Cheeky bastard.
I certainly have to agree here. Let him wash his own wig. If he wants to be a girl, he needs to take the responsibilities of one!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
Quote from: NickSister on April 01, 2008, 07:41:14 PM
It might be that he can't control his urges but he needs to learn to communicate for it to work out.
Maybe you need to lay your cards on the table and tell him that he needs to start talking about how he is feeling or he is going to lose you. He might be not telling you through fear of losing you but at this rate he is going to lose you anyway.
This statement is so true, its not good enough that he dismisses your concerns so easily, you really do need to sit down and have that chat.
:icon_2gun: :icon_chainsaw: :icon_poke:
Quote from: mrst on March 25, 2008, 12:22:17 PMWe've talked about my feelings, and while I am trying to be supportive, and compromise, he feels hurt and says he is going to throw everything out, or stop dressing for 5 months, or a week... And everytime we go away for a weekend, it is like an excuse to fully dress up, instead of having it be a time together.
Quote from: mrst on April 01, 2008, 10:12:21 AMI did try and broach the subject on the weekend, and first he told me that he will not shave his legs all summer, because I hate when he dresses up. I explained that I'm ok with that part of him, but I also want and need the male side of him and that I didn't expect him to just throw away (purge) that part of him.
Wow. That's a whole lot of shame he's carying around. You seem to be really supportive, which is surprising considering how negative it all seems to be for him -- I commend you. He can certainly use your support right now. But it seems to me that his getting over the shame is going to be an important part of it if you two are to keep together.
I have considerable insight into this kind of thing. I am going to say important stuff. If any of this makes sense to you PM me (or ask me to, if you're not allowed to PM yet.) I went through this kind of stuff in a 3.5 year long online relationship when I was in my later teen years. It changed my life and I really hurt her in the process, so I'd be happy to talk to you about it from his perspective. He needs to wake up to a lot of stuff.
He gets off sexually by feeling feminized.
This can be a fetish (i believe this qualifies as transvestism but it's so hard to keep track of all of our types), or it can simply (and by simply, this is a far worse thing) be that he wants to be a woman. Ask yourself if you'd be able to feel turned on as a woman if you were covered in body hair/stubble, wearing a flannel shirt and denim overalls, with your partner fingering your clit and talking about your nice cock.
That's sort of what it's like for a person who has a hairy male body who's got female desires trying to fill the male sex role. Masculine dominance requires a LOT of energy, activity, and drive. And that is simply difficult, 'unclean', or impossible if you do not want to be in that role. Lingerie and wigs and such overlay femininity over the masculinity and make it easier to feel comfortable with yourself. If you are comfortable with yourself, then it's easier to do other things. The arousal likely doesn't stem from the feel of microfiber and lace, but from the feeling of expressing oneself and being able to be aroused because they're suddenly open to it.
There is a tremendous amount of guilt involved. All of society, all of a man's life, everything forces rigid masculinity on a man. With feelings/secrets like that, repressed for years, it festers, it can go rotten. Most importantly when you begin to strip away the layers, all of that suddenly starts coming out the top. It's like a giant zit that's finally starting to drain, and at some point, probably explodes. I made that less graphic that I wanted it to be, but honestly it can be very nasty, destroy relationships, and hurt lives.
He's slowly progressing towards what makes him happy. As he gets more and more he's going to focus more and more on his freedom because he's wanted it for so long and it's new and important to him, and available. This is where you get marginalized and the troubles spring up because he simply can't see anything but the freedom he's gaining. This is the selfish stage of someone exploring gender issues, and unfortunately, we can get very, very selfish.
He needs a lot of patience and understanding, love, and care. He needs to be receptive to this and work with you, but pride, shame, and such are quite difficult barriers to break down, especially as you get older. Your relationship may very well not survive all of this, but the important thing to realize is that if neither one of you is getting what you really need out of it, then that is not a bad thing.
My honest advice? Get a strapon. Either come home one day wearing big, baggy mens' slacks hiding a strapon inside them and let the evening progress towards sex; he takes your pants off and out pops a cock (please buy a quality one.) Or while he's dressing up for foreplay go into another room and whip it out and strap it on. His reaction to the whole situation ought to tell you a lot.
You should read some transgendered erotica (english.literotica.com) - it'll mostly be stories about men being forced into the feminine role, having to dress up in makeup/clothes for some arbitrary reason, and how much they enjoy it. It's an expression of how they dodge the guilt bullet by having it 'forced' upon them and enjoying it and it being revealed how good they are at it and how appropriate it is for them to be the little made up slut instead of just flat out doing it of their own volition. It should give you some insight into the psyche that he's probably living in.
It is very hard, at first, to separate 'wearing a thong and a wig and sucking a cock' from 'being a woman.' It took considerable time for me to recognize that femininity exists as something more than actions between the sheets, and it took making changes that are visible 24/7 to deal with it. Living much closer, physically, to my mental desires, has really made everything so much better.
Granted, that's still appealing (well, not that I need a wig with my gorgeous hair) on a very core level for me, but I'm sure you enjoy feeling sexy and getting rogered by men too.
I personaly think Autumn is right to a degree that is why there are several responces that tell you and him to get counseling and as I have said you need to re-evaulate your own needs in all this unless he can come to terms with what he is currently expericing (prob. most of his life) things can progres to the point that it can hurt and damage relationships as well as be self destructive depending on the outcome of the relationship this is why it has been said so many times go seek counseling and as I said there are several sources for this help there are counselers that work on a sliding fee scale if you dont have medical coverage please do not forget about your own needs please do not let him bring you down in the prosess to you as it has been said need to set the ultamatems (sp?) in your discussions if he wont talk to you he needs to talk to someone this can go many different directions for the both of you I know because in my past I am so sorry for the damages that I have caused by the hurt deception and etc.. when I started my counseling I came to relise so much about all this ask your self do you want a lez relationship do you want a platonic relationship or do you want a normal hetersexual relationship these are just a few questions that you have to ask your self
you might know that some people will not reach out for the help untill they hit rock bottom he has to admit that he needs the help first and it sounds like he is in denyal about what he is experiencing ( maby) no one can say for shure there can only be spectualation as to what is going on inside him I'll even bet even he doesnt know for shure
take good care of your self
Kristin
THANK YOU AUTUMN.... you are soooo in tune with what he is going through. I would like to discuss this with you, but I don't know how to PM on this particular sight.
?? Let me know how I can
MrsT
PS - thanks Kristinrichann... you're close and your input is valuable.
Hi, mrst.
You can PM after posting 15 times.
N~
Autumn,
As I read your story again, I thought it could have been my husband responding, but for the fact that he is of French Canadian origin with little exposure to formal English education, i.e., your spelling and grammar are far superior to his. That having been said - everything you wrote hit home... the early "forced" issue, the fact that he has been wanting to buy a strapon since we first met, etc.
Is there some way we can discuss this??
Thanks,
MrsT
Posted on: April 08, 2008, 07:16:54 PM
Kristin.....
As for counselling, I was able to procure an session with one of the best psychiatrists in the country dealing with anger, substance abuse, etc. and at the time we didn't address the CD issue - stupid me... I didn't realize that is the one of the foundation/building blocks of his issues !!!! Because my husband came out of that diagnoses as "not psychotic, and generally another factor of (drone) today's socio-psychological norm" - I didn't pursue it any further.
That having been said, I also didn't realize that his anger/resentment/angst stemmed from gender confusion.
In summary, while we have sought counselling, apparently unbeknownst to me, it was for the wrong reasons. However, the anger and substance abuse may have arisen as a result of his gender issues..... who really knows???
You can email me at lurkflower /\-|- yahoo until you're able to use the PMs here. I never check the account normally. And I hope I can help further :) (edit: hurray, a spider saw this and sent me spam for a ->-bleeped-<- pickup site.)
And yes, gender issues lead people down a road full of abuses. Either abusive relationships, abusive behavior, or substance abuses. When you can't love yourself, you love nothing else. Everything is an attempt at escape, or anger because you can't do anything about it.
Salut MrsT
I'm also in Montreal, and I've found a couple resources here in the city. Check out www.atq1980.org which is connected to Cactus Montreal (run by UQAM), its more for transitioners / transsexuals but cd'ers are welcome as well and it can be a great source of support. Their site also has links to a cd'er only group as well as others.
Take care and drop me a line if you like,
Dawn
Thanks for the information. Any help is very much appreciated.... I think without some kind of outside assistance this relationship will eventually self-destruct, as will my husband. Hopefully, once he truly realizes how earnest I am in making this work and helping him out, he will not feel so ashamed of being a CD.
Quote from: mrst on April 10, 2008, 01:14:27 PM
Thanks for the information. Any help is very much appreciated.... I think without some kind of outside assistance this relationship will eventually self-destruct, as will my husband. Hopefully, once he truly realizes how earnest I am in making this work and helping him out, he will not feel so ashamed of being a CD.
mrst,
as you can see from the some of the responses here, just because a person has this, um, condition, doesn't mean they can't be extremely thoughtful, brave, and, at times, truly wise. i am extremely proud to know so many of the people on this site. and it's not just one or two. if i had to make a list of them, it would honestly be very long, indeed.
likewise, what your husband stands to lose physically may provide huge dividends in personality. Sanity is at the core of everything here. it is what your husband is seeking. i hope so much that you can help him find it. but you must
insist that he helps maintain yours, in the process.
-Ellie
ps.
and, please forgive me, but, um, is your husband Mr. T.?
-L
Well thank you Ellie for your kind words. He Mr.T. is a fantastic, loving, caring and giving person when not consumed with the conflict of his crossdressing.
Quote from: mrst on April 10, 2008, 02:47:24 PM
Well thank you Ellie for your kind words. He Mr.T. is a fantastic, loving, caring and giving person when not consumed with the conflict of his crossdressing.
mrst,
I like the phrase "consumed with the conflict." I have been there and it is indeed such a hard place to be. I like how you are taking some time to learn about this - I am sure he is proud to have you with him.
Alice
Thanks Autumn - I sent you an email, apparently I am not permitted to PM yet.
Posted on: April 10, 2008, 06:07:54 PM
Thank you Alice... if he wasn't such a great person, I wouldn't bother. However, I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him..... it just has to work for both of us :)
Read and replied at length. My apologies for the rambling nature of it, there's way too many concepts and branching points to keep track of it without spending forever on it - i think that took close to 2 hours.
Mrs. T seems like a divine woman who any of us would be blessed to be married to.
Autumn, you really opened my eyes to a lot of how he must be feeling inside. Now, if only I could get him to talk !!
It's hard. Even if you ask the right questions he may just be terrified to answer. The reason I suggested the ->-bleeped-<- erotica earlier is because there are a lot of stories which are basically the author pouring their gender identity out of their heart for all to read and revealing how she wishes someone would rescue her. These are the touching ones when the wife gives him some clothes, or hugs him and says she knows, and offers to do his makeup, affectionately calls him by female terms, and so forth.
It's really like coaxing a wild animal into shelter at first.
It gets easier each time. The first is unbearable.
My inbox is always open. My heart truly goes out to you as someone who's on the other side of the table, I know that it's a horrible place to be put into. Particularly since wanting to help more than anything in the world isn't enough.
Hey - breakthrough!! We actually talked about it, albeit briefly, ...... there is some hope :)
Quote from: mrst on April 11, 2008, 07:42:04 PM
Hey - breakthrough!! We actually talked about it, albeit briefly, ...... there is some hope :)
How awesome and exciting :>
congrats
now get him/her to open up to a theripest they wont think hes crazy they understand the prolbems maby you two will learn to be the best of friends in time it can happen but warning the roller coster ride is just starting it will have the ups and downs
take care ya all
kristin
and PS the best of luck to the both of you
I hope I'm not jumping in the middle of anything-- I started out as a crossdresser, and have sort of moved on from there. I never really talked much about it with my wife at all until I became more comfortable with it. Part of what kept me from discussing it with my wife even was my internalized guilt and discomfort with who I was.
Not sure if this is part of Mr. T's issue, but it's certainly possible. Many crossdressers (or at least myself) grew up with an immense sense of shame for being CD. Overcoming that is not easy.
My wife had been seeing a psychiatrist a few years for anxiety related issues, and suggested I talk to her doctor about my CD issues. I saw him once, and just couldn't broach the subject. Almost three years later, and I've worked through enough of my own personal issues independently and now I want to see a gender therapist.
Might just take some time to work through.
Well things are progressing. We did talk this weekend about what he feels when he dresses. At first he said that he "just likes it, because it makes him feel good - no more than that". Then after a couple of hours, he said that all the women he was with liked it, because it was like being with another.
We have talked about which is more sensual - watching two women together, or two men - and we both agree two women is far more beautiful to watch.
I told him for me, it is not like being with another woman, it's like being with a man dressed up as a woman. In other words it doesn't turn me on sexually AT ALL, but what does turn me on is watching how excited he becomes.
We had a really good weekend, both in bed and out.... and I painted his toenails :)
There are all sorts of balance points, and I hope you can find them. Given everything in life, its not a big deal.
Quote from: mrst on April 14, 2008, 09:13:59 AM
We had a really good weekend, both in bed and out.... and I painted his toenails :)
Awwwwwwww.... :>
Envious. Glad things are progressing well. You really are a wonderful person for trying so hard to probe the issue.
Hope you find that special someone to paint your toes :)
All is well, we will test my theory this weekend. It is my birthday, followed by our 2nd year of marriage and we are going away for two nights. So, I proposed one night will be for dressing up (hubby's fantasy) and the other night will be for me (no dressing, no boobs). I hope this is works!
Hi MrsT,
I'm new to this listing but have been on others in the past. I used to live in Montreal and wish that I'd known you then as we could have helped each other through this.
I can relate to everything that you wrote. I have been married 3 years now but have known about my husband's TS issues for about 5 or so. It is hard to read some of the responses that we get because it kind of forces out of denial. I have been reading some of the posts in the past couple of days and can relate to so much.
My husband has gone in and out of femme mode many times and I totally agree with the person that said that this is a roller coaster. That's exactly how I have described it. It is so hard to watch the person that you love going through this pain because there is not much that you can do other than be supportive. I have been struggling with that mainly because I am watching the "man" that I love go away slowly. It's like having another woman take your man away and I sometimes feel angry at that woman and don't want to.
I thought at first that he was a CD but have totally come to realize that that is not the case. He is TS. He had an orchiectomy 4 years ago and that seemed to help him for a couple of years. He went totally back into male mode and then poof one day "she" was back. It's been up and down and scary as H**l to watch. I want so much to be supportive which is why I came back to the support groups. I couldn't be involved with this for a long time because it took so much of my energy and it wasn't permitting me to stay in the moment. I was 10 years in the future already when reading others' stories.
Anyhow I just wanted to respond to this even though the subject is an old one on here. Hopefully someone will see it.
Dear Mrs. T,
My ex went through a similar pattern, but she was never willing to talk about it without her saying it was something that I dreamed up. I slowly pull away from her. I could not talk to her because of her attitude. And it ended our marriage.
But you seem to have a more open mind to discussion. Tell him that you want to understand and that he can hurt your feelings, even if it is a lie. He needs to begin talking it out. If not with you, then a therapist. It is not healthy for him to ignore it .
Maybe if my ex was more open minded, then... who knows.
Take care and do not forget about your own sanity.
Love,
Janet
Thanks Janet. I don't want him to think that he can't talk to me. He does feel that way at times more because I get upset and cry than anything. I told him that this is not a good situation for either of us and that it is painful to us both but we need to try to get through it together. He has to be able to be honest with me even if the truth hurts (and it does). I can't hide my feelings very well but I know that I need to become stronger if I'm going to be of any use to either one of us.
Quote from: Cindi Jones on March 25, 2008, 04:57:18 PM
Mrst,
Advise him that you want a heart to heart discussion about this. You have the right to know how he feels and what he wants from your relationship. I would give him a chance to get professional help if he wants it.
But ... and I really hate to say this.... if you can't deal with this, leave him. Make a list of the things that you need to make the relationship work. Let him know that these are the expectations you have out of the relationship. Be frank and honest. Don't get emotional. He should do likewise. If you can't work it out, leave. It's not worth it hon. Life is too short to be dealing with these issues.
My heart goes out to you. I hope that you find happiness.
Cindi
I too went through this when I was married 17 years ago. My whole focus was ME ME ME ME, fantasizing about being a woman, dressing as a woman as much as I could, my wife at the time at first was supportive until I became very self absorbed, she soon began to resent the female side of and we eventually drifted apart until she one day left me for another man.
I think I was a sex addict, I had problems with intimacy and it was much easier to go into my own little world rather than interact with the woman I loved. No drama no nothing..
Sadly it was devastating to lose her to someone else, and at the time I didn't have the ability to see how I was affecting her life.
If I could make a suggestion make a pact with you husband. If he is truly into being forced feminized find out all his fantasies regarding this matter, tell him to rate each fantasy between one and 10, 10 being turning him on the most. Then write down YOUR fantasies and also rate between one and 10, and don't leave any fantasies out, if you are trying to make him happy he should in return make you happy , no matter what your fantasies are. Next you rate his fantasies between 1 and 10, 10 being the least likely thing you would want to do. And he do the same in reverse.
Example. Say for instance he wants to get his eyebrows waxed and wear them at a very thin line all-the-time. He rates that a 10, and you rate it a 10 for not really wanting him to do that. Multiply those numbers and you get 100.. 100 being the points he needs to earn to achieve that fantasy.
Now come up with things for him to do for you that he could earn points to get his brows waxed. Tell him one night of sex as a man with you and no female side of him earns 20 points. (Or whatever you come up with). Or a night of him doing things only you like for example you may like to go dancing but he hates it. So he may earn 30 points for that.
Who knows maybe you have desires to cuckold him, and your fantasy is to have sex with another man in front of him while he is dressed as a sissy.. So for you to get that fantasy to come true you may have to earn points yourself.
This way you can both be involved more in each others lives. If he dresses as a female then you participate in it with him, if he cooks you dinner spends the night as the man you love you grow and bond together intimately.
I'm not going to lie, he may have transsexual feelings.. bi sexual feelings, who knows at this point, but keep doing what you are doing communicating and trying to understand. I think one mistake you may make though is getting upset when he dresses, because he will either see that or sense your body language and close himself off even more to you because he feels guilty. I know it's hard, I know what I put my spouse through, I hope things work out the way you would like.
Carrie
I am sorry to hear of your situation as I can relate to not getting enough sex during my 12 years of marriage to my husband who now recently insists he is a woman trapped in a mans body. I have been understanding but he has lied to me continually and is a truck driver who is gone most of the time for two years. During our marriage he has had many different personas through the years that have all been a form of escapism. When he told me for the first time that he is a woman in a mans body we were on legal x pills that we bought from a head shop. They say it makes you more amorous and my husband believes it was a truth serum. I being a cosmetic artist decided to make him over and I gave him clothes and even dressed him up. Our sex life has not improved as we clearly have marital issues that cloud any degree of clarity regarding his feelings of becoming a woman. He has previously been addicted to pornography and has withheld sex from me countless times. Now he says as a woman he does not want to look at any pornography. It was always of women and heterosexual sex and he has never given me oral pleasure previously. He claims he is a lesbian trapped in a mans body and is esentially asking me to become a lesbian although I married a man. We will be going to marriage counsling when he comes back in town. He also wants to go see a transgender therapist to examine and proceed with physically becoming a woman. I have been greatly considering divorce as I have been put through so much with this person including a myriad of deceit and I suspect he has chosen the profession he is in just to live a double life. It sounds like the man you are married to might have homosexual tendancies as he is looking at men with men pornography. He could be bisexual and is acting out by cross dressing. There are some male to females that don't want men they want women. The world is very complicated and there are many forms of sexuality and gender idenity that have good and bad aspects. I wish you many prayers for clarity in your marriage as well as my own.