hi everyone!
so as some of you know i have been activly bulimic on and off since the age of about 12.
i no longer hate my body but because ive been doing it for years i just dont know how to keep it down.ive tried eating in really small amounts but then i just purge in small amounts so the past 2 days i barly ate anything.so i didnt vomit.(my esophgus was burning me like heck the past few days)
until around 5:30 pm today. i knew i had nothing in me to vomit but i couldnt hold it in i ran to the bathroom and let it....come up i vomited blood this isnt the first time but it hurt more than ever!
i cant affort to go for treatment .and i have been told by many trans guys that they have been rejected by many facilities.....anyway i dont knowe what to do i know i cant do this alone and ive been told by doctors time and time again that it wont be long before my heart gives out.
i dont want to end my life i love my life now i absorb every moment of it with love& happiness but i cant seem to get the health part right....
i am ready to stop have been for months now.
plz if you have any advice or words of wisdom it would be greatly apreciated...
thanx for being you
jaded
Hi Jaded,
You need to see someone (therapist, psychologist) about your bulimia, you need help to overcome the depressive disorder which manifests in many ways, with you it is bulimia.
Vomiting blood - there could be a tear in your aesophagus or stomach lining, or an ulcer. You need to get to a doctor, even in another town. This needs to be treated now. Don't worry what they will think of you, or the questions they will ask, its not as bad as you think. Please do yourself a favour and get the help you need.
I wish you lived here in Australia or the U.K, you could just go to the outpatients at a Public Hospital, for free!!!!
Take good care of yourself Jaded,
got to banish this eating disorder a.s.a.p
Pretty please, :eusa_pray:
buttercup :)
Wow, jaded thanks for being so honest with us. It can be very hard to be honest about this, so you should be very proud of yourself. I have physiological anerxia because I have long term damage from celiac disease which I know is not the same but before we knew it was physical I was sent to eating disorder clinics. There was a community group called Sheena's Place that was open to men and women and it was free. I was accepted without question as male and it taught me a lot of useful info. I don't know where you live but Sheena's is in Toronto, Ontario.
Now I am not going to lecture you on the health consequences because I am sure you know them already and are quite bored with that speech. This could be a physiological response to years of forcing your body to throw up, the bulimia rearing it's ugly head or this could be a symptom of severe damage already done. I am most concerned about the bleed. I won't ask you to discuss your symptoms on a public message board but if it is foamy, bright red, large clots or large amounts of blood get yourself to a doctor fast even if you don't have the money worry about that after. From what I understand there are free hospitals in the US you can go to in an emergency. Same with clinics, either way I am worried and hope you get medically assessed. If you would like to post where you are we could search and see if their are any free services for people with eating disorders..
Now on to the best advice I can think of under the circumstances. Short of it being severe damage or the bulimia the best thing I was told was to only eat a bite and if a bite is too much half a bite. Try to keep that down but if it fails wait 20 minutes or until you don't feel sick and try and consume the same amount. Repeat until your body keeps it down. It may take time because you have programmed your body to vomit when it has something in the stomach. Your body has to learn what it feels like to have something in it again. I would try timing it, i.e. if you can keep from throwing up for five minutes try 5 minutes and 30 seconds. You would be surprised what you are able to do it you just focus on little steps and don't feel bad if you do throw up. If you can get to the point that you don't throw up for a hour try increasing the amount slightly.
If it is the bulimia then you have to address it. It will kill you as I am sure you know. I have a friend in Boston who is a psychologist who might be able to help me locate a counselor/ eating disorder clinic that you could go to. You aren't alone, try talking on the phone or msn with friends when you are trying to keep from vomiting. I hate msn but I will log on if you want to talk and know you are not alone. I am still largely indifferent to eating and unless I actively work on eating it can get away from me. I am better, the pain from the Celiac's is mostly gone but I still have no instinct to eat and a really small stomach. The doctors say I should be patient that it takes time to heal. I don't have any magic words to make you feel better anymore then I have them for myself, except you are not alone.
I do still want you to go to a hospital to be assessed for the bleed, think about it yes it has happened before but you said it never hurt this much and that is a serious symptom. So please if you don't know where to go let us help you. If you do then please go.
->-bleeped-<-boy
hey bro, i don't know anything about this topic. I dont know if you are in school but if you are you might be able to see someone for free. You can't fight this alone dude. Look into some different forums for this type of situation, there has to be somewhere you can go for free or at least for cheap. The only thing i know is that i have heard it helps a lot when you can find someone to talk to about it. Good luck bro, belive in yourself and stay strong man!
hello woderful ppl of susans!
thank you all for your posts.
i just returned from the hospital i spent the past 2 nights and 3 days there.
i was told that if i didnt go i would have bled internally to death.i had several esophageal tears and ebrasions going all ythe wasy down my stomach.
i had a procegure to fix them and was given heavy meds and a strict diet pluss they are sending me to inpt rehab....
but thats not whats bothering me.
MY BROTHER ....my mom called my brother and started telling him that i was in the hospital for internall bleeding he cut her off told her he wants to know nothing and hung up on her this was friday .
im supposed to be as "sress free" as possible how the heck can i do that if the brother i love more than anything had been seeing me as dead for the past year+...
Hi Jaded,
I am so happy to hear you are on the road to recovery, that was a very close call though, way too close.
I can't believe your brother is being such a jerk!! You will need to close your mind and heart from him till you are well enough again. Just tell yourself you don't need him or the stress, put it off but you will have to deal with it later on. Please put yourself first and get well. I hope your mother is being a good support for you.
But down the track you will want to talk to your brother again, face to face. You say you love him and I think you don't want to give up on him just yet, give it some more time and hopefully you will know the right words to say to him to resolve or dissolve this relationship. :)
Take care
buttercup :)
Thank you for posting jaded, I was so worried. At first I wasn't so worried but as time passed and you didn't respond I was only thinking the worst. Be grateful I didn't know where to find you or I would have sent the police to your home to check on you. I am so glad you went to the hospital as I was very worried about a serious bleed. I know someone who died of an esophageal bleed, it was in theory a minor bleed but she aspirated the blood and died in a matter of days despite urging her to seek help. I didn't know what could happen at the time and by the time the people with enough knowledge found out it was too late. I got to say I was very scared for you.
In terms of a strict diet, I am of mixed opinions on it, because people who are obsessed with what they put in their body are already strict about control and it is a part of the problem. I am so glad to hear you are going to get some help. Don't be afraid to get all the help you could possibly need from every source. The devil's money can pay for good works. Even if the support services aren't trans positive don't let that deter you from taking every other good thing they have. You have, as I am sure you know, a very serious and life threatening illness that won't let you live long enough to transition. I am not saying you should ignore your identity but I am saying that you know who you are and don't need other people to validate your identity. No matter what anyone says men can and do have eating disorders. Also don't assume that services won't be trans-positive because I know Sheena's was great.
Finally your brother. What I am about to say isn't meant to justify your brother's behavior or to negate how hurtful it is. I lost people in my life because they thought I had anorexia nervosa instead of physiological anorexia and nothing could make me eat and not throw up. My friends were mostly great and tried everything but some finally gave up. They told me that they couldn't watch me kill myself. It was because they cared about me too much that they couldn't watch me die. At the time it was just so hurtful, like you I didn't know how to stop what my body was doing. I don't know if your brother's problem's are about your gender or eating disorder though but it doesn't change that it is hurtful. I didn't really understand it until I read a book called Slim to none. I can't in fairness recommend it to anyone with an active eating disorder but it was the most powerful book I ever read. I remember reading it and thinking I am going to die like her. Nothing they did was helping and like her I didn't know how to stop it. I cried for days after reading this book.
Right now though you need to focus on yourself. Hopefully once you stabilize you can talk to your brother and address this hurt. Right now it is more important to address the hurt inside you that is trying to kill you. You are valuable but I know that nothing I will say will change how you feel. You have to see your value. You have to see your worth. You have to value your life even if your body isn't what it should be. I think this board can attest to the fact that gender is probably much easier then eating disorders to address. You don't have to hate your body just because you aren't born who you should have been. You can fix that with ease. It is easier to have surgery and hormones then be honest and loving with yourself (no they aren't exclusive and in fact they need to be inclusive). I am extremely dysphoric over my unchanged female type body parts but I can still love myself and you need to learn to love yourself. Please whatever happens know that you are loved. I know I am only a stranger on the internet but I can promise you that I love you regardless of gender, body image, behavior etc. You are not alone.
->-bleeped-<-boy
I'm glad to hear you're getting help, Jaded. I wish you all the luck in the world with that. Sorry your brother is being such a jerk. I know it's got to hurt. The only thing I can say is that hopefully with time he'll get his mind around everything and realize that you are still the same person he always knew and loved. Some people need a long time to work out their own thoughts and feelings when there is a major change in their lives. As other people have said, right now you need to accept that he needs his space for the moment, and put your hope in the future, so you can concentrate on getting well. Good luck.
Oh finally jaded, if you doubt how important you are, you should know that I have been crying since I read your post and I responded. Since T I haven't been able to cry much or often but I have just cried for at least the last 45 minutes. take care
->-bleeped-<-boy
that's really scary dude, i'm glad that you're getting help now. you've got your new life, gotta take care of it now. for many of us we've had self destructive behaviors and its hard to break that.
wish you the best. as for your brother, hopefully he'll come around but if he doesn't you've got plenty of brothers here.
Hey man, I'm bulimic too and have been since I was 13 (I'm 20 now). esophageal tears are freaky as hell and I'm SO glad you got that fixed up...
Not a ton of advice since I'm in the same boat but just wanted to let you know you're not the only one out there.
thanx every1 sorry didnt reply faster i havnt been feeling that well.....
no new news really still have alot of pain and been kind od down lately.....anyway thanx again i love you all1
jaded
Jaded,
Sorry to hear about what's going on with you lately. That must be really hard to deal with. You are dealing with some difficult issues. Being t/g and bulimic is a HEAVY load. I don't know you other than your posts on this forum, but I'm still proud to know of you because you are one STRONG individual! I would be proud to call you "my brother"...
I bet that your brother is rejecting you at this point because it's just too difficult for him to deal with, not that he doesn't love/like you. Often times we hide when we are scared. So please hold your head high and know that it takes a stong person to be you. Maybe that's why you have been saddled with these things is because you are the one who is really stong enough to deal with them. If your brother would have been t/g and bulimic maybe he couldn't have handled it. You are much stronger than you realize and I know an entire forum is standing behind you. Even if we are not there in front of you...Camden