Anne posted in another topic about having a strong reaction the first time she saw herself totally fem. I had
a very strong reaction as well and thought I'd share it.
I had just gotten a makeover and after we were done I just stared at myself in the mirror for the longest
with the biggest smile. I used makeup before and I thought I knew what I was doing but there
is a lot of art to it and there are many tricks that really help. Anyway I actually said to myself
"This is you Amanda, this is who you were meant to be". I wish I had been able to take some pictures
because good makeup makes a world of difference. I felt so pretty and for the first time the picture in my
mind matched the outside. It was a a very powerful and emotional thing for me, I actually had to touch my
face to make sure it was really me. It took all my being to keep from crying and ruining the makeup. And that
night when I removed my makeup and had to say goodbye to Amanda and go back to boy mode again it was
even more moving. I started crying and I promised myself I'd do everything to not have to do that for much longer.
It's making me tear up just thinking about it.
Anyway, I hope I'm not the only freak that's done that :)
Quote from: AlwaysAmanda on April 15, 2008, 12:10:20 AM
Anne posted in another topic about having a strong reaction the first time she saw herself totally fem.
I found that I looked amazingly like my mother...only taller.
Wow... this is one question Id never been asked....
One night, my moping about my ex had the idea of doing me up.... She spend well over an hour with my eyebrows and makeup... thats all we did, but it showed more than I ever thought possable...
It was one of the most intimate nights of my life... I think it was the first time since my childhood that I cryed... I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and just stared at the face there... It was so odd... It was ME staring back at it... Not the face I was affraid of but me...
On the lighter note... it took about 3 hours for my ex to convince me to wash the makeup off.... I just didnt want to do it LoL
What was your reaction the first time you saw yourself totally Fem?
I've never seen myself totally fem...
Not to be offensive or elitist or anything, but I see "fem" and "femme" as either a type of lesbian or as a crossdessing term. I don't relate to either.
What was my reaction when I saw just me?
Can't point to any one moment. It was an evolution that took a couple years of HRT and FFS to accomplish. I can say that starting about one month after FFS is when I was satisfied with how I looked in the mirror facially. Bodily that had to wait until after SRS. Now I'm pretty happy all the time except for a little pooch I need to work off now that I'm essentially all healed up.
I'm a plain Jane and don't like make-up, so I don't wear much if any. I wear jeans everywhere and I like to shop at Walmart. I'm a lot like my Mom and sister in so many ways now. And that's what makes me happy. Life is good. :)
I was so repressed during my life that almost every change I made was like opening a door to a prisoner.
The first time I went to therapy and my therapist called me by my name, I cried.
When I first dressed to go to therapy and faced going out for the first time, I was overcome with emotion as well.
I think everyone has these moments. To actually be released from gender jail and breathe the air of freedom is something that I will always remember.
-Sandy
This is one of my favoite stories - one that is in the book I am writing. The best way to express what happened is to place part of that chapter here. The below material is copywrited.
Chaunte
We had settled into a new town and a new parish. My then spouse had made a name for herself in the parish, which was important for her. I had been a liturgical musician for years and she was tired of being known as my spouse. She wanted to turn the tables and have me known as her spouse.
Whatever.
I think it was Labor Day when I asked a few of her girlfriends if I could get away with going en femme to the Halloween party. The overall consensus was that it would be fun and that they would try and get their husbands to go as well.
There were two ways of how to approach the day. I could go as a parody, or I could try and be passable. I chose the latter.
I took the day off from school to prepare for the event. I shaved my beard – the first time I was hairless as far as my family was concerned. My legs were smooth. Days earlier I had picked up a skirt and sweater. My shoes were bought online.
I went to see my favorite hairstylist in the world – Sue. I had talked with her about making me passable. She went to work. Between her and a colleague, they spent hours. Nails. Hair. Make-up. The works.
When they were done, I looked in the mirror. I think the sound of my jaw hitting the ground was heard in the next county. There was a woman looking back at me. I raised my hand and this woman in the mirror raised her hand. I put my hand up to my face and she did the same thing.
There was a moment of absolute panic. I almost wiped everything off and changed back! But something stopped. There was something happening inside. I was forced to acknowledge this part of me that I had been denying for so long.
In the midst of all the internal conflict, there was a sudden sense of peace.
Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde realized that they were one.
What happened at the party? Let's say that one conflict ended and a new one began. One that led me to be typing this in a skirt.
I walked into the party and all the women screamed – save one.
I was examined head to toe by every woman there – save one.
I was fawned over by every woman there – save one.
I was accepted by every woman there – save one.
The One walked out of the room and hasn't looked my direction since, save the rare occasion when she doesn't catch herself.
That was 31 October 2003. As I write this, it is 1 June 2007.
I don't believe she will ever look at me again.
Quote from: Beyond on April 15, 2008, 07:21:40 AM
What was my reaction when I saw just me?
Can't point to any one moment. It was an evolution that took a couple years...
Yep, same here, though my evolution isn't quite complete yet. I am more and more content though as the days go by.
I did try crossdressing for a few halloweens to see if I could "pass," which I guess qualifies as being "enfemme" (I hate that term too)... but I just saw a crossdressed male, which depressed and embarassed me terribly. It's always been about being female for me, not expressing femininity, so all the so-called "self-acceptance" in the world wasn't going to help with that.
Only recently have I really started seeing "me." In fact, yesterday I stumbled upon that picture I posted for awhile here... and my first, unconscious thought was,
"geez, if only I could look like that..."And I laughed, realizing that I guess I'm approaching my goal after all. But that was one photo, one angle, one day. Once that image becomes a 24/7, 360-degree "me"... I'll be happy ;)
~Kate~
QuoteBut that was one photo, one angle, one day. Once that image becomes a 24/7, 360-degree "me"... I'll be happy
That's the best way I've heard yet of putting it Kate :) ... no, that's actually an awesome way of putting it.
QuoteIt was one of the most intimate nights of my life... I think it was the first time since my childhood that I cryed... I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and just stared at the face there... It was so odd... It was ME staring back at it... Not the face I was affraid of but me...
On the lighter note... it took about 3 hours for my ex to convince me to wash the makeup off.... I just didnt want to do it LoL
I so glad to know that I'm not the only one to do that. It really was an amazing thing to see that face for the first time. And yea...
it took a long time to make myself remove it, it almost hurt.
Oh... sorry about the term Fem everyone, I did not realize it was a word that invoked that kind of
reaction. I've never traveled in the crossdessing world and when I read Anne's post I thought it meant being female.
I guess the way I should have said it was "What was your reaction the first time you saw yourself?"
Amanda
My first time fully en femme was at a halloween party many years ago, I was in my early 20s. Two friends helped me w/ getting ready, make up and hair. I wore a green velvet dress, and when I looked in the mirror, I was actually beautiful! I felt great. At first I didn't realize that I passed, until guys were trying to pick me up throughout the evening. I didn't want to change back at the end of the party.
Another time, shortly after the realization that I was transgender, I shaved off my beard, and my drag queen friend came over to do makeup, by this time I was in my mid 30s, and when looking in the mirror, saw the image of younger version of my mother looking back at me.
Zythyra
Quote from: AlwaysAmanda on April 15, 2008, 09:09:14 AM
Oh... sorry about the term Fem everyone, I did not realize it was a word that invoked that kind of reaction.
Nah, no need to apologize, it's commonly used actually. It's just for ME, words like "enfemme" and "presentation" etc. always evoke an image of role-playing in my mind. And I have this obsessive fear of appearing "fake" to anyone, especially to myself, so it touches a nerve, an insecurity of mine. But that's just a personal glitch in my head, lol..
~Kate~
Re: What was your reaction the first time you saw yourself totally Fem?
Fem could mean anything...a fem man for instance. Maybe the question should be 'What was your reaction the first time you saw yourself totally looking like a woman'...
I changed the topic title to female instead of fem :)
Amanda
Quote from: AlwaysAmanda on April 15, 2008, 10:16:53 AM
I changed the topic title to female instead of fem :)
Amanda
yea, but you will now have to wipe the whole thread and all the posts because the answers are geared to 'fem'...
Yea... I noticed that.... that's a shortcoming in the forum software, I guess if it bothers anyone that much
then don't read them :)
Actually... I just noticed that new posts since I changed the topic title show correctly :)
Amanda
Many years ago some friends shaved me completely, dressed me up, did my makeup and fixed me up a wig. It was a lot of fun, but when I looked at myself in the mirror I just stood there laughing at the fact that I had actually done it. I got clocked by a co-worker (before I learned that not all co-workers live in the same city they work in, lol) and never crossdressed in public again.
Fast forward to about a week or so ago. I went to a wig shop and told them that I did not want to try on any red or auburn colored hair. For whatever reason I have never liked red hair. Anyway, went through all sorts of color variations. The colors were either too dark or too light. When we got to the red and I put it on I just about broke out in tears. I saw myself as a woman at that moment, with the way the hair framed my face. A lot of people that knew my mom before she died when I was really young have told me that I look a lot like her.
Aeron
It was like "WOW!" ... so soo happy ... :) ... , but I knew it was an unattainable dream and I spent the night crying ... :icon_cry2: ...
Guess I was 15, nearly 16, just old enough for my parents to leave me alone while they went off on a short holiday, with our neighbor "looking in" on me, doing meals and stuff.
I had below shoulder hair (it was the early 70's) which I'd blow dried / hot combed to look really feminine .... did my eyes with mum's mascara, liner and shadow, lipstick too. My mum was a trendy 30-something and her size 8 clothes fitted a treat (will always remember those "hippy" wedge mules and calico dresses !).
I looked at myself in the big mirror and just thought I "looked right" for the first time in my life !
I really remember it like yesterday !
Even went out just before it started to get dark for a walk .... did it three nights in a row. Slept in one of my mum's nighties.
It wasn't a new experience as early as I remember when getting time alone at home (school holidays etc.) as young as 11 or 12 I'd made myself up and played at being a girl.
But at 16 to 17 puberty hit dramatically and cruelly, hairs sprouted everywhere, I got really bad acne, and I realised the dream of being a girl was just that, a "dream" ....
I had a brief few years in my late 20's when I dressed and did the "scene", but it took another decade or more to realise that my 15 year old's experience of being a pretty girl could really become reality ....
Guess I first saw myself as "female" (in the dress / presentation sense) beyond these early experiences was when I came out to the world as Laura not much more than three years back, but by then the reaction was one of relief .... that despite a "lost" 30 years I could again "pass" as an attractive girl / woman !
The rest for me is history.
Laura x
I envy you all. As for me I have never saw myself to really be passable as a female, but when I do go out as myself all of my friends say I look like a true woman. Am I just being to hard on myself?
QuoteI envy you all. As for me I have never saw myself to really be passable as a female, but when I do go out as myself all of my friends say I look like a true woman. Am I just being to hard on myself?
Yes you are being too hard on yourself... I do the same thing :)
I wonder if it's something about a persons brain that it's sees who it's always seen for some time
after things start changing.
Amanda
Thank you, and you are nowhere near a freak as you had stated earlier. I see a beautiful woman that you truly are.
Thank you Athena :)
You are welcome sweet.
Cloud 9... make that Cloud 99 all evening.
Amanda - I think that I'm the Anne that you referred to below.
Quote from: AlwaysAmanda on April 15, 2008, 12:10:20 AM
Anne posted in another topic about having a strong reaction the first time she saw herself...
I still remember that time when I fully dressed and looked at myself in the mirror and thought "this is me". Not that I was beautiful or anything, or perhaps even passable. It was just that who I saw in the mirror fit with me on the inside. As a teenager, many confusing thoughts followed because I didn't even realize that transition was possible until someone showed me an article in a magazine about transgendered individuals - they didn't know about me. I went through various thoughts including that maybe I could get pregnant (don't ask me how) so that people would realize that I was really female. I even hoped that my sisters would come home from college, and tell me that I really was a girl, that we could quite pretending otherwise, and it was time to take me to the beauty salon and get my hair done correctly. I see lots of discussion about the difficulty of coming out to family. I came out to one sister way before this stuff was as well documented as it now is and told her that I was a woman. I don't know why I thought she would understand. That was quite a while ago, and there is a lot of water under the bridge since then.
Yes, I think you were Anne... your post reminded me of my reaction. Thanks for sharing :)
Amanda
Hmm, well when I was 12 I was as tall as my mother, and one day I took one of her simple and in-ornate blue dresses from her closet. To be honest I don't remember why that day but I did and tried it on. It didn't fit completely right and I didn't have any makeup on or my hair done. But it was like...
Well it was like going your whole life listening to a guitar being played, with one chord out of tune. No matter who you talk to its only you who hears it. Then suddenly its like someone tunes it and it suddenly stands out to you all the more because for once it is in its place.
But that wasn't when I saw myself as me.
Back in January of this year when I was getting ready for school that first morning I got dressed and ready. Right before going out the door I looked in my mirror and saw her. I saw me. If at the age of 12 wearing that dress had been like a chord, now it was like a symphony. It swelled in my chest and I just stood there staring at my reflection, afraid to move least I find it was an illusion or a dream. If I had not needed to get to class, I probably would have stood there staring at that mirror all morning.
Only recently I've started to think....'yes that looks right'
Quote
Back in January of this year when I was getting ready for school that first morning I got dressed and ready. Right before going out the door I looked in my mirror and saw her. I saw me. If at the age of 12 wearing that dress had been like a chord, now it was like a symphony. It swelled in my chest and I just stood there staring at my reflection, afraid to move least I find it was an illusion or a dream. If I had not needed to get to class, I probably would have stood there staring at that mirror all morning.
Sounds about like me Angel.
I dressed on and off thru teenage years etc.... I definitely saw the girl but that was it, as it never seemed it would be obtainable. Recently I acquired a bit of a wardrobe and breast form and wig. Well on one weekend when my wife was out of town -- Daisy decided it was her night. While I hated my wig, when I was finished I saw the girl within. But even more so, just going out just to a movie opened the prison and definitely set a precedent that Daisy is a part of me to be reckoned with. Not sure I pass at all, but I though I looked pretty.
While not trying to instigate controversy, being at home and dressing, but not going out is a prison, and really not worth the effort. So open those doors and be the girl ( or guy -- not trying to leave anyone out ) you truly want to be. I completely understand 24/7 may not be possible, but 1 hour, 2 hours, or a whole day will change your life.
Just a thought
Daisy
Well I see myself wanting to look female but it won't happen to the degree I would like. I need to work on my manners and acting more fem. My voice is awful. I am depressed at the moment due to someone telling me I didn't look female and had a long ways to go. They wasn't mean about it. I have been part time now about 3 months. But I think she wants me to be like her. She isn't the most feminine woman I know but I would be happy just to be her. I was going to make a topic but it seems I just wanted to rant and this topic is close to what I would have posted. But I am beautiful no matter what they say :)
Many, many moons ago I got the courage to video myself all dressed. It was the first night I actually had the courage to get out and drive around. Then I felt so elated, later followed by such guilt and shame. I repressed again for a long time until a couple of years ago (except for regular periods of "relapse"). There were a lot of first times, it seems. But when I did my first makeover I was just stunned. Each significant time I remember thinking that I never, ever, ever wanted to go back to guy mode.
Kristi
QuoteSo open those doors and be the girl ( or guy -- not trying to leave anyone out ) you truly want to be. I completely understand 24/7 may not be possible, but 1 hour, 2 hours, or a whole day will change your life.
Yes it will change your life, and it gets harder and harder to go back to being the guy.
QuoteBut I am beautiful no matter what they say
Kimberly, your avatar looks great... don't let anyone tell you your not beautiful.
QuoteEach significant time I remember thinking that I never, ever, ever wanted to go back to guy mode.
That's been the hardest thing for me too Kristi... to go back to guy mode... I hate it and it is so very depressing
but then I start to look forward to the next time I can be Amanda. Someday I'll get to be 24/7 but until then it's
baby steps. The stories in your blog about your outings really helped me to move forward, thanks for sharing them :)
Amanda
Re: What was your reaction the first time you saw yourself as a female?
I was 13 and it really worked well ....I had a blitz through my sisters clothes and I looked amazing.......after that it was all downhill ......
Only a couple of times quite recently did I think I looked ok...
Quote from: Berliegh on April 22, 2008, 05:19:59 PM
Re: What was your reaction the first time you saw yourself as a female?
I was 13 and it really worked well ....I had a blitz through my sisters clothes and I looked amazing.......after that it was all downhill ......
Only a couple of times quite recently did I think I looked ok...
So true Berliegh ...
Really thought I'd never again experience the way I looked and felt when I "dressed and made-up" in those innocent years before puberty hit so cruelly at around 16 ....
I'm way older than you but really feel its coming right for me again .... :) ....
..... (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fuk.geocities.com%2Flaura_eva_b%2FLaura_2008_001.jpg&hash=802eace0e58be4b8e4cd2b29fec0873d3814f90c)
Laura x
I didnt want to change. I went to bed like that and woke up still totally femmed out. I was hot lol. I didn't want to lose that how I looked and the way it made me feel. I felt so good, warm, sexy, pretty, happy.....every thing was like bliss. It was such a drag (no pun intended) to revert back.
Quote from: Beyond on April 15, 2008, 07:21:40 AM
Not to be offensive or elitist or anything, but I see "fem" and "femme" as either a type of lesbian or as a crossdessing term.
Life is good. :)
Yes, life is good for we 'femme' lesbians
I'm a much, much prettier lesbian after years of hrt.
Bev