Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Well, I've been lurking around here for a few days, working up the courage to post...

I'm a twenty-four year MTF who's just recently begun to accept her gender identity.  I still live full time as a male, and I've only come out to a therapist here at my university.  This all seems so surreal to me...  I never expected to be in anything like this situation, and I'm not sure where to go from here.  Go easy on me, I'm painfully shy -- this is only second forum post I've made in my life, and I work in the IT field!

I'm not sure if I've ever felt like the stereotypical "woman trapped in a man's body", but I've hated my assigned gender since I was seven.  I never knew what to make of my feelings, and I couldn't think of anything I could do about them, so I decided to ignore them.  I somehow managed to convince myself that I was a heterosexual male, and I kept telling myself that, day in and day out.  Even though I was consciously suppressing any acceptance of my TG status, it didn't stop the endless fantasies about being or becoming a woman.  I started rationalizing those away, thinking that all men had fantasies like that occasionally.  Then, fearing I might be some kind of homosexual (and what it would mean for me), I also worked hard to avoid any situation where I might find a man attractive, or vice versa.  Finally, I developed into a completely antisocial recluse, as I felt like I had a glaring neon sign singling me out as a freak.

The end result of all this was that I became a neurotic mess.  Now, years later, I've gone through depression, paranoia, complete social paralysis, and even two impulsive suicide attempts.  I'm still an undergraduate at age twenty-four, and I don't know where my life has gone.  Strangely, I feel no older than fifteen on the inside, and I can't remember much of my childhood.  My memories of my second decade are dim and indistinct, buried under this awful fog of misery.

Emotionally, I am a bit better now (though not well by any means), and I'm definitely not suicidal anymore.  Just a few weeks ago, I finally accepted the fact that I'm a woman, and it's been a big relief.  Since then, I've started to care about my health and appearance, and have begun to imagine a future for myself.  I've got a lot of dieting and exercise to do, since I'm in bad physical shape  and I want to live to transition.  Not to mention that the fat makes me look even more hideously masculine than I already do.

Hi Kaitlin.

*huggles*

So glad you've found us here. I hope you will find answers to all the questions you must have, and I know you will always be able to rely on these nice men and ladies to support you whatever happens.

I can relate to much of what you write there :)
I'm still not quite ready to embrace this all and admit to myself that it's not just some sick little fantasy I have...I guess I still cling onto the hope that I -could- be a normal, heterosexual boy if I really tried, but inside, we all know that's just not going to end happily.

Anyway, you're no freak here! Welcome and enjoy your stay. The fairy princess Tink should be along shortly with her rules routine, so I'll let her have her fun, and just urge you to be open and accepting to the world. And to yourself.

No one can love you, if you don't love yourself as well.


~Moi

I'm glad you worked up the courage, and I hope you have the courage to make many more posts - there may be a long and emotional journey ahead, there may not - but this place is here for everyone.
Also, it was lovely to hear about the relief you have got in accepting yourself, seems like something worth working on. Good luck with getting yourself in shape.

Hi Kaitlin,

QuoteThis all seems so surreal to me...  I never expected to be in anything like this situation, and I'm not sure where to go from here.  Go easy on me, I'm painfully shy -- this is only second forum post I've made in my life, and I work in the IT field!

I could have written that... I could have written your whole intro. lol... before susans I had posted umm... lets see
maybe twice :) Welcome and don't be shy, you are among "your kind" :)

Amanda

WELCOME to Susan's

I can relate very much to you but I have decided to come out to a therapist at the age of 20 and that is now. I'm going to my first therapy session on Friday the 18th. I'm going to so nervous yet so relive to talking about this.

Hello Kaitlin and welcome to Susan's!

Thank you so much for introducing yourself.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay :)

tink :icon_chick:

Thanks for the warm welcome, everyone.  It's really comforting to know there are other people with similar experiences.

P.S. - I'm not normally that self-pitying :)

Welcome to Susan's, Kaitlin.

Gennee

Hi. 

I'm pretty new here too, but I read your post and wanted to let you know that you're not alone.  A lot of us feel exactly the same way.  Welcome to the majority. ^_^
You'll probably find a lot of support and help here.

hiyea  Kaitlin welcome to susans there is a lot of great information here . and lot of great people too :)