Ugh. I have been on HRT for over 10 months now. More and more often as I go into a public restroom I realize I am getting double glances. For whatever reason, I don't feel I am "ready" to go into the womens room, but I think it is getting to that point....
Does anyone else have similar issues with public restrooms? (I'm sure ;) and how did you deal with it?
Christine
Quote from: Christine on April 24, 2008, 01:25:07 PM
Ugh. I have been on HRT for over 10 months now. More and more often as I go into a public restroom I realize I am getting double glances. For whatever reason, I don't feel I am "ready" to go into the womens room, but I think it is getting to that point....
Does anyone else have similar issues with public restrooms? (I'm sure ;) and how did you deal with it?
Christine
Hi Christine,
I think it depends on how confident you are. I use public rest rooms because I can not be out more than an hour without wanting to pee and seem to have no problems. If people stare at you then smile back I heard some where that, that, works. Women do look at a person more than males do. They may or may not have clocked you, who knows, who cares, lol.
I have had no challenges as yet. I do however have a letter in my handbag stating I am a male to female transsexual from my GID clinic just in case. It would be discrimination if security got involved. At least it would be here in the UK.
I posted on this too many months ago when I got to the stage that going into mens rooms would probably be dangerous looking the way I do.
I don't know if any of this is of use Christine, just my experience.
hugs
Nigella
Christine,
Very simply, you need to go to the restroom of the gender you are presenting as. You didn't say which, but I assume you are still presenting as male. In that case, standing at the urinal will definitely remove any doubt from guys present. If you go out as female, just stride in confidently, do your thing, and get out. But don't act in a nervous hurry. You'll find it's really no big deal. And do remember to smile.
If you can't do this yet, I would suggest you keep something in the car to use for emergencies. Tinted windows help! It definitely beats having an accident.
Don't think you are a failure if you are not ready. You'll know when the time comes, and once you do it, you will wonder why you were so scared.
Best of luck
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
Christine,
I just used the ladies restroom for the first time last week. I had been andro looking for months before that and got the looks too. One guy stood right in my personal space and glared at me while I tried to wash my hands. That was the last time I ever used a men's room. In the interim, I didn't go very far from home or used unisex restrooms like those at Starbucks. When I finally used the ladies last week, there were two women in there and I just chose a stall, did my business. Sitting of course, washed my hands and left. No big deal. I was impressed though at the normalcy of it all as it happened. However, I have to admit it was a rush to be finally able to go farther than a couple of hours away from home!!!
Maggie
Yep, if you look the part you better use the bathroom you 'look' like.
And the women's room is no big deal. Go in, sit and do whatever you came to do, wash your hands and dry them, straighten your hair if you need to and leave. O, at first, don't forget to breathe. Women always breathe in the restroom!! :laugh:
Nichole
O, yeah, make eye-contact and smile when you do. It ain't a men's room. :laugh: :laugh:
I stopped using the men's room when men started to make startled sounds and leave.
Quote from: Nichole on April 24, 2008, 06:35:31 PM
O, yeah, make eye-contact and smile when you do. It ain't a men's room. :laugh: :laugh:
And if you have to stand in line, be sure to make small talk.
Quote from: Nichole on April 24, 2008, 06:35:31 PM
Yep, if you look the part you better use the bathroom you 'look' like.
And the women's room is no big deal. Go in, sit and do whatever you came to do, wash your hands and dry them, straighten your hair if you need to and leave. O, at first, don't forget to breathe. Women always breathe in the restroom!! :laugh:
Nichole
O, yeah, make eye-contact and smile when you do. It ain't a men's room. :laugh: :laugh:
That's so true! :D Just act like you belong there. If you think about it taking a leak is not a big deal. It's scary in the beginning but now I would never go anywhere else. I think the hardest part was using the same restroom as my colleagues who knew me as a man. I got over it though. The women at work had no problem with it.
Besides breathing women also talk in the restroom. It's far more social than the men's room.
Posted on: 24 April 2008, 18:30:14
Quote from: Nichole on April 24, 2008, 06:35:31 PM
Yep, if you look the part you better use the bathroom you 'look' like.
And the women's room is no big deal. Go in, sit and do whatever you came to do, wash your hands and dry them, straighten your hair if you need to and leave. O, at first, don't forget to breathe. Women always breathe in the restroom!! :laugh:
Nichole
O, yeah, make eye-contact and smile when you do. It ain't a men's room. :laugh: :laugh:
That's so true! :D Just act like you belong there. If you think about it taking a leak is not a big deal. It's scary in the beginning but now I would never go anywhere else. I think the hardest part was using the same restroom as my colleagues who knew me as a man. I got over it though. The women at work had no problem with it.
Besides breathing women also talk in the restroom. It's far more social than the men's room.
I remember the day I definately made the decision to stay in the womans restroom. My wife and I decided to take a trip to the coast for a bowl of clam chowder We had finished and I had to use the restroom. I had been on hormones for a while and was bouncing back and forth male female. I happened to be in a T-shirt and jeans and I had some breast growth. My hair was growing out, but I didn't think I was looking fem. enough. The restaurant was packed and I decided not to cause any problems and went into the men's room. I no sooner walked in and there was a guy at the urinal and he looked at me and said this is the mens room. My jaw dropped and walked out and as I walked out a lady saw me and didn't even look at the sign on the door and walked in and the guy in there said can't a guy just pee in peace around here. I went into the womans room and haven't been in a mens room since. I told the lady that I wasn't paying any attencion to where I was going and was shocked when I walked out. I told her I was sorry that I didn't tell her that it was my mistake. We laughed about the whole incident. I felt sorry for the poor guy.
Sheila
Quote from: Sheila on April 24, 2008, 08:55:36 PM
The restaurant was packed and I decided not to cause any problems and went into the men's room. I no sooner walked in and there was a guy at the urinal and he looked at me and said this is the mens room. My jaw dropped and walked out and as I walked out a lady saw me and didn't even look at the sign on the door and walked in and the guy in there said can't a guy just pee in peace around here .... We laughed about the whole incident. I felt sorry for the poor guy.
Sheila
I can just picture the guy's face ... ;D... !
But who say's the ladies is just for relieving yourself ?
In early transition when I wasn't so confident of my looks I'd be in and out of women's restrooms like a yo-yo to check my hair, adjust my make-up, and affirm I looked OK .... still use the ladies as often to "freshen up" as for a call of nature !
Strangely I felt the ladies was the place I was least likely to be "read" (not that I really ever got "read") as its the last place a tv or cross-dresser would be expected to have the courage to go into and expose himself to the threat of complaint, even arrest.
And especially in the early days it felt good and "affirmative" to be brushing my hair, touching up my lipstick at the mirror shoulder to shoulder with other women !
Laura x
Well ladies, thanks for all the reply's. I guess it just reaffirms my feelings about it. Mainly just act like you belong. I am at that point of in between, some days I think I look very feminine, others not so much. I guess I will just have to ride it out and go into the ladies room when it really feels right. The only time I feel I get talked about in the mens room is when there is a game or something and a lot of drunk....idiots. Probably best to stay away in those circumstances.
Quote from: Christine on April 28, 2008, 08:53:43 AM
Well ladies, thanks for all the reply's. I guess it just reaffirms my feelings about it. Mainly just act like you belong. I am at that point of in between, some days I think I look very feminine, others not so much. I guess I will just have to ride it out and go into the ladies room when it really feels right. The only time I feel I get talked about in the mens room is when there is a game or something and a lot of drunk....idiots. Probably best to stay away in those circumstances.
Your problem really isn't about bathrooms; it's about self-confidence. In the early days of transition there were times I'd look in the mirror and say to myself, "Who do you think you're fooling? Nobody, that's who!". Fortunately, my work work ethic was stronger than my sense of self-loathing. A journey around the world begins with one step. I'd grit my teeth and put one foot after another until I was out the door and on the train to work. By the time I reached the next stop my
anxiety level would be back to base line and I'd go on about my day.
I used to think courage was for heros and pioneers. I've since learned that trans-folk have it in abundance. We're walking on the frontier of gender in our society and sometimes it's scary. The solution for me is to take a deep breath and plunge forward into the new world. :icon_walk:
Yeah it is partly about self confidence for sure. Its just Im in the in between spot with transistion and its uncomfortable at times. Overall I am fine with that, if there is one thing Art school taught me was to move out of your comfort zone...I live in a city where trans folk are quite accepted, Boston, but there are a lot of baseball games, drinking, abnoxious behavior etc. and restrooms at certain times I will just avoid until I can confidently go into a ladies room. Im sure it will pass but yes, like a lot of people I do need some work on self confidence.
Christine
Seems like a lifetime ago that this was important to me. But at the time, it was not just important, it was imperative!
I remember the last time I went into a men's room.....it was scary. Two redneck guys were in there when I walked in. I had longish hair, no makeup, a men's tee shirt, jeans, and sneakers. These two guys looked at me, and smirked, nodded to each other, then looked at me in a very threatening way. I turned and left, went into the ladies room, where I was only greeted with a couple of quick smiles. From then on, I knew where I was accepted, and safe.
A few things......full time or not, when presenting as female, BE female. Buy a handbag (not a little dinky thing), and make it part of you. It goes everywhere, and you never stray from it, even a few feet. I don't go out my front door without it unless I plan on taking a bike ride, or mowing the lawn. Otherwise, it is part of me. I have no idea what I ever did without it. Sling it over your shoulder, go in and pee. Other things, yes, we DO talk in the restroom, just don't go overboard. Alsooo.......if you haven't developed a truly female voice, start now. Nothing hurts you more than a fake-sounding female voice. Another thing: ALWAYS smile at babies and toddlers.....don't even look at the mommie, until you have looked lovingly at the child long enough, then give her a smile.....she will already be smiling at you.
It's all a long haul.....not just the restroom issue, but the whole thing. You are climbing out of an old male cocoon, and it ain't easy. It wasn't easy for me, either
But everyone knows I'm a butterfly now.
Bev
Well, based on my current picture, as of this morning, I think I should start thinking a little more seriously about using the ladies room...definately need to work on this voice for sure, but it does work...
I really can't wait to get beyond these little issues in public...
Christine
:)
Interesting to hear everyone's experiences with this matter. I personally just avoid public washrooms at all costs. Unmarked ones are fine, but I generally just hold if I can. Its been ages since I was last in a public restroom, and I always got looks for using the men's room too.
Unfortunately I do not have a letter in the case of issues arising with my using the lady's room, so I don't think that its really worth it yet.
contry to popular belief, women dont hide in the bathroom waiting for ->-bleeped-<-s to come in to stare.....
its a toilet. Most people get in and out fairly fast, its not a fun place to be, even for women.
Walk in, do your thang.... and wash n go.... its not hard. and hey, if someone looks at you when your walking in, so what? you're human, you have biological functions too....
R >:D
Quote from: Christine on May 07, 2008, 09:37:36 AM
Well, based on my current picture, as of this morning, I think I should start thinking a little more seriously about using the ladies room...definately need to work on this voice for sure, but it does work...
I really can't wait to get beyond these little issues in public...
Christine
If the avatar you used is really you, I wouldn't give you a second look in a ladies room. Maybe a smile. I'd stay out of men's rooms from now on if I were you. Get some voice feminization CDs like Kathy Perez's 'Exceptional Voice' series; 3 CDs, one CD each lesson, and brainwash yourself with it, talking along. I've used them now since last September, and I have a hard time finding my old male voice, and when I do find it, it's uncomfortable since those muscles have atrophied .
This goes or you too, in my opinion DJorgensen.....if that's you, youa gerl.
Good luck, Sis
Bev
Quote from: Beverly on May 10, 2008, 07:59:00 AM
Quote from: Christine on May 07, 2008, 09:37:36 AM
Well, based on my current picture, as of this morning, I think I should start thinking a little more seriously about using the ladies room...definately need to work on this voice for sure, but it does work...
I really can't wait to get beyond these little issues in public...
Christine
If the avatar you used is really you, I wouldn't give you a second look in a ladies room. Maybe a smile. I'd stay out of men's rooms from now on if I were you. Get some voice feminization CDs like Kathy Perez's 'Exceptional Voice' series; 3 CDs, one CD each lesson, and brainwash yourself with it, talking along. I've used them now since last September, and I have a hard time finding my old male voice, and when I do find it, it's uncomfortable since those muscles have atrophied .
This goes or you too, in my opinion DJorgensen.....if that's you, youa gerl.
Good luck, Sis
Bev
I concur, DJ. If the avatar is somewhat close to what you look like now, then I don't see how you get away with the men's room at all.
Nichole
Last time that I was in a men's room was.... hmmm probably about July of 2006.
I'm mostly just waiting for an official writ such that if a situation ever arises, I have my butt covered. :)
Oh and thank you, *blush*
When presenting as a female, I use the women's room and when presenting as a male, I use the men's room. There have been a couple of times I have accidentily gone in the wrong restroom and made a dash over to the other one. One should never get too relaxed to the point of forgetting what gender she/he is occupying at a given time :)
thats ok, i only occupy the female one XD
R >:D
hi..... Sheila. oh how i love that. the look . oh yea on his face .neat. at home for some time when going to the ladys room i would sit jos . my so would say stand up like a male . i then said i am not a male so this went on for a while no more was said then . as you know s r s fixed that so i had to sit when i was dressed as a female i would only use the womens . now no way will i use a mens any way in n z if you did have to use the others not to much is said we would just say oh the other toilets are not working sorry no big deal . you would just pick your time & with your friend out side just say some thing. our cleaners are in the main male if they are in there we just hi & no problems ...noeleena...
Quote from: DJorgensen on May 10, 2008, 01:57:44 PM
......I have my butt covered. :)
Oh and thank you, *blush*
Hopefully, in the restroom, you will have your butt uncovered? ;D
Thanks, it is my avatar...I guess a lot of places now are utilizing bathroom space for either sex. At least in this city anyway.....so that helps a lot.
I guess maybe it is time to start to not worry about it so much. Just another hurdle, or so it appears...
Quote from: Christine on May 12, 2008, 08:37:28 AM
Thanks, it is my avatar...I guess a lot of places now are utilizing bathroom space for either sex. At least in this city anyway.....so that helps a lot.
I guess maybe it is time to start to not worry about it so much. Just another hurdle, or so it appears...
Christine,
Looking like that, use the women's, no messing around, lol.
hugs
Nigella
Thanks....I probably should, although that picture is a "good day". I agree I need to smile more, because hey what's there not to smile about???
On the brighter side, at least at work there will be no problems with the ladies room as we all use whatever room is open....
Thanks for the great toilet debate Ladies. :o It has also answered a lot of my questions also. I am at that point where I am starting to dress female more female or androdgynous when going out and the last several trips to the Male bathrooms have produced stares from both men and youths and it has been just plain uncomfortable and produced a feeling of being totally out of place. I did use a female restroom several weeks ago in my Therapists building but was alone during the experience. I actually felt very much at ease and at least was carrying a plain unadorned purse. Fortunately I didnt have to talk. At work I have started using the uni-sex bathrooms they have and have only used the mens restroom when I felt I had no choice and it has two closed stalls so I can avoid the urinal.
I read this earlier tonight and had an interesting discussion with my daughter on some of the points that have been made here. All in all she pretty much agreed and was slightly amused by the comment on looking at the baby before the mother. She thought about it, laughed and said "you know, thats right, I and other women just dont think about it but yes thats what we do" I really love this feedback and even got a chance to practice on my voice with her. She thought I would be passable in a restroom and said I had made really good gains since she last heard my female voice. WOW, does that ever build your confidence. :eusa_dance: So I believe my trips to a mens bathroom are about to become history. Thanks girls.
Hugs
Wendy
I'm glad it's helped, just another one of those small obstacles. I'm sure many of us will look back and wonder what we worried so much about.
Christine,
Use the restroom meant for you hon. It's not a big deal. You'll be fine.
Sheila,
What a hoot! I loved your story! How delightful. That's one for the books!
Cindi
An interesting take on this subject ?
http://english.pravda.ru/news/society/18-06-2008/105531-->-bleeped-<--0# (http://english.pravda.ru/news/society/18-06-2008/105531--%3E-bleeped-%3C--0#)
Pravda on Thai transgender toilets ... :o ... !
10% of a rural Thai "middle school's" students t-identified ?
Laura x
I totaly understand what you are going thru. It seems like only yesterday I was totaly just set on using the mens room. However now that I have been on hormones for almost 3yrs I get alot of odd stares when i go into the mens room. But its strange I too feel like I am not ready to go into the ladies room. But for me its more because when I do use the womens restroom. I get a little uncomfortable and I think everyone knows I don't belong. or something. anyways I just thought I would say your not alone on this one lol.
by the way you look great! :-*
kisses
Samantha
When I came out full time 8 years ago, I was a girl, I don't know if I passed very well or not back then but there was these facts came to mind.
#1I'm a girl
#2 need to go to the bathroom
#3 There is a men's room to my left and a woman's on the right.
#4 easy solution, I'm a girl, I belong in the woman's room
That other life is behind me and I would certainly not want to start it all over again, "may I get abducted by aliens." Me honest injun.
Cindy
the grouping i dislike....
cd's, tvs, AND Ts?
what would people think about them going in the womens?
well if their ts
they shouldnt!
somehow this strikes me as a 'black seat' on the bus sort of move...
R >:D
I found that the people around you are the greatest indicator. Once guys started running out of the bathroom (happened more than once) and started to shout that I was going into the wrong bathroom -- that it was time to use the more appropriate restroom. Did not have a carry letter for years and only took one from one of my doctors after a horrible run in with the police one night (not in a restroom but at a taxation checkpoint, I mean a DWI checkpoint).
Quote from: Beverly on May 11, 2008, 09:03:53 AM
Quote from: DJorgensen on May 10, 2008, 01:57:44 PM
......I have my butt covered. :)
Hopefully, in the restroom, you will have your butt uncovered? ;D
That rather depends on what you are doing. Conversations are generally not carried out with uncovered butts unless you are sitting adjacent stalls. Neither are doing makeup, standing in line, and waiting for your girlfriends to finish.
I confess that the last one grabbed me when Ellie was here. There were a couple of instances where I finished before she did and had to wait. There was this old program in my brain that wanted me to wait outside the restroom for her. And I had to stomp on it and tell myself that girls don't do that. They wait inside.
Quote from: cindybc on June 20, 2008, 04:14:47 AM
When I came out full time 8 years ago, I was a girl, I don't know if I passed very well or not back then but there was these facts came to mind.
#1I'm a girl
#2 need to go to the bathroom
#3 There is a men's room to my left and a woman's on the right.
#4 easy solution, I'm a girl, I belong in the woman's room
That other life is behind me and I would certainly not want to start it all over again, "may I get abducted by aliens." Me honest injun.
Cindy
Hee! Several years ago before I passed well at all, I went to a GLBT gathering at a church in Duluth and I rode up there in a car full of gay guys. On the way home we stopped at a restaurant along the Interstate out in the sticks. After we had ordered I asked the waitress where the restroom was. She was very nice and told me that the women's was on the right and the men's was on the left and was very clearly leaving it up to me which one I chose. I smiled at her and said, "Thank you very much, but what I need to know is
where they are." She got embarassed and told me.
Quote from: Christine on May 15, 2008, 03:16:14 PM
I'm glad it's helped, just another one of those small obstacles. I'm sure many of us will look back and wonder what we worried so much about.
Back when I was almost ready to transition I had used a number of women's rooms in various places but not close to home. On Sunday mornings I would get up early, dress as Lisbeth, and go to the church I was attending. On the way I would stop at my local gas station to fill up and get a cup of coffee. So one morning I really had to go to the bathroom. :icon_yikes: I'd never tried a women's room in my neighborhood so I was really nervous. Pulled into the station, got out of the car, and screwed up my courage, and headed for the restroom... And it was unisex. ::)
Quote from: Rachael on June 20, 2008, 06:34:47 AM
the grouping i dislike....
cd's, tvs, AND Ts?
what would people think about them going in the womens?
well if their ts
they shouldnt!
somehow this strikes me as a 'black seat' on the bus sort of move...
R >:D
(https://www.susans.org/forums/gallery/3186_06_07_07_8_49_55.jpg)
Hi Noeleena, I just wanted to comment about the surroundings in the photo with you in it. The last I remember of decor like that was back in the 50's and early 60's, it's beautiful, especially the mahogany walls with the upright strips engraved in them, and the upright boards at the base of the wall with the chair rail ledge. The dining room set dating back to about the same time. A really beautiful home. It's hard to find any homes anymore with natural wood decor.
Cindy
Posted on: June 21, 2008, 04:07:24 PM
Hi Tsamantha hon, I do not mean to be condescending but holy smokes three years on HRT and still using the men's washroom???? Heck no wonder you are getting stared at in the men's washroom. Anyway that is your personal decision not anyone else's, but I started full time one month before I even started HRT. Probably looked as rough a cob but I used what I thought was the proper washroom for a lady, from the first day I started full time. I am a woman, I use the women's facilities, and that's it and no one has ever given me any grief over it.
Cindy
I may have contributed to this debate elsewhere and if I am repeating myself, my apologies are due to you all.
I am disabled, thus I need the special facilities that are usually provided within public venue's as in shopping malls , theatres etc, but I have also used exclusive female rooms. They are best because they have machines that dispense spare tights etc, I can pee in private without men looking at my hated ''assets' and touch up my lippy :P
Laura's link to the addition of a TV restroom at the school in Thialand has really got me thinking....
I guess they are solving a local problem, but in other locations it could start off a whole bundle other issues.
Would men use it because they are curious, or ladies use it to avoid having to wait in line......
I think I'll stick to the "ladies" in the western world, .....and keep smiling ^-^.
Chrissty
id stick to the ladies over there too.... if its all the same to you lot.
R >:D
Rachael dear, you use what ever one you want. On the Top Ten list of things I worry about, who I'm in the bathroom with is about #157.
#158 1/2 for me. ;D
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2FNewPicture2.jpg&hash=5eb861448237d614bb99626f2de3003843c1b75a)
The Doctor is in.
Cindy
I believe in using the one that you are presenting at the time. I no longer fear using the Ladies room, as I used one today in the County Courthouse. I also have my carry letter in my purse and now I also have ID that says I can be in there, Its my drivers license that states "Female".
As they say down under ' No Worries, Mate' . :D
Love,
Janet
Well I still pray that all goes well for you mate. ;D I would love to go to the land of down under some day. Well my soul mate and i have been discussing it every now and again. I would love to go in the outbacks as well and maybe visit the aboriginals. I'm a bit of a foolhardy little lady, I'm a sucker for adventure. ;D
Cindy