I have decided that I will come out to my business customers as this charade is getting too hard to keep up. Some people know me as Maggie and others as Kurt. The phone rings and I can't tell who it is and now that I am getting used to using my female voice, it is very awkward to recover to pretend I am Kurt again. It is also holding me back from my goal to be who I am. There is no way to hide anymore and I do not want to anyway. I have nothing to be ashamed of and if my business collapses because of my status as being a transwoman then it was not a business for me. I know that I am risking my security and opening my self up to ridicule or hate emails but this living a lie has to end.
I also understand that being a transwoman who tries to wear the "pants of a male" is being a hypocrite to herself. If the world hates me at least they can hate me for who I am. On the other hand, some might accept me and who knows what will happen. But I need to say, "I am trans and proud of myself" . I have given a heads up email to one of my business partners today and am getting ready to send a few more to others who have had special positions or are more than just customers. I can't be afraid anymore.
One just called and while he doesn't understand the condition, he is supportive and wanted to call me and tell me so. It was hard to keep back the tears.
It is hard telling your clients. I had to face that issue myself many years ago. I lost some of my clients, but others were very supportive.
Some of the women in places I did work asked what took me so long.
Good luck.
Sarah L.
What worked really well for me was just telling people, "I'm changing my sex, and my name is Kate now." I'm not a "transwoman," I never mention the word "transsexual," and I don't have a "condition" for them to try and understand. I just told them what they needed to know:
"I'm Kate now. Please correct your address books." ;)
And no one so much as blinked at it. Vendors, tech contacts, service contacts, purchasing contacts, accountants... no one cared. "Oh good for you, thanks for letting me know. I'll change your account information right away" and that was it.
For me, it was really no different than if I had switched jobs or positions and just needed to inform everyone of the change. I kept things *professional* rather than personal.
~Kate~
Kate,
That sounds like a very useful way to do it! I hadn't thought about it but for the most part I can see business clients of the non-friend variety are not that interested in the details. Thank you for the idea.
Good point, Kate. I like that. Simple, direct, effective.
Jay
OK, I can tell you all that the responses from the people that I contacted all came in overwhelmingly positive and supportive.
I posted the announcement in the general topics of my discussion forum this morning.
FINALLY I can stop hiding.
Wow Maggie, you are more brave than I could ever be... I stand in awe :)
Good for you! I bet it feels good to be you now. :)
Amanda
Amanda,
Thank you for the compliment.
It is a little like the scene in the movie "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" when they were chased by the posse led by the man in the white hat. They came to a cliff overlooking over the river in a deep chasm. They couldn't go back and to save themselves they had to jump into the river, a hundred feet below. I heard the kid saying "I can't swim!" and Butch's reply "Hell, the fall will probably kill you" in my head. I hit the send button with my eyes closed....
So, now I see that I didn't die and I am swimming. Time will tell what happens though.
The hard parts over.
I bet you swim just fine and even make it to the bank :)
Amanda
Quote from: MaggieB on April 25, 2008, 12:39:58 PM
It is a little like the scene in the movie "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" when they were chased by the posse led by the man in the white hat. They came to a cliff overlooking over the river in a deep chasm. They couldn't go back and to save themselves they had to jump into the river, a hundred feet below. ...the kid saying "I can't swim!" and Butch's reply "Hell, the fall will probably kill you"
That's where I am: standing on the edge of that cliff and I can't go back. But I'm not quite ready to jump. But to be fair, it's only been a month... But I know I have to just close my eyes and do it.
Jay
Congrats Maggie!!
Zythyra
Quote from: MaggieB on April 25, 2008, 12:39:58 PM
So, now I see that I didn't die and I am swimming. Time will tell what happens though.
I suspect that now you'll start your life and all of this will soon start to lose its newness. Sometime down the road you will deal with the GRS thing in some way and that too will fall behind you. Within a couple years, it will be a boring subject indeed.
Congrats to you doll. You deserve it.
Cindi
Cindi,
Thank you for the comments. You have been one of my inspirations and your story has helped me to come to this point. It has led me to many changes. Even the idea of surgery now seems less daunting and more matter of fact. I knew that someday I'd have to fully be who I am and now that it has happened, I am very happy. All the responses have been so wonderful. However, I am still expecting that some harsh or cold reactions will inevitably come. Still, I have no regrets. This is the way it had to be.
Maggie
Posted on: April 27, 2008, 01:02:21 PM
The reactions continue to be very positive. We got two sales today so it seems that it is possible to at least sell something. The hard part will be to wait for the months to pass and see what the sales will be. One sale was on the telephone so I used my female voice from the start. It was a huge relief.
On a funny note. One guy called me and chatted for an hour over the weekend. He is one of my close business friends. After he chatted he took a long nap. Here is what happened in his own words:
"After our chat yesterday, I had a two-hour nap. Then I went downstairs into the kitchen where I found my wife and our friends. When they asked me what I had done all the time I wanted to answer: "Slept and chatted with Maggie for an hour." Still sleepy, however, my speech centre rendered this as "Slept with Maggie for an hour". After the roars of laughter had ceased, R**** said smiling: "There you are. Only yesterday you've learned she's a woman and it's already sex, sex, sex." "
He also said that if it was twenty years ago and we met, he would be interested in dating.... O M G !!!!!
Congratulations, well done. I like your letter and the encouraging responses. It encourages me greatly and gives me hope, because it's something I need to do soon as well.
Sheena
My SO thinks it is time to remove the post on my discussion board about me being trans and to move more into stealth with the goal of deep stealth eventually. I am worried that if I take the post down too soon it will be seen as returning to the closet. I agree that I don't want to make my work into a forum for transgender issues because Susan's is here and my customers don't come there for TG info. My business partner says I could have an About Us page on our web page with a photo of me and with a short bio. Not trans per se only that I clearly am a woman who designs model airplanes. I could go along with that as a replacement.
Quote from: MaggieB on May 22, 2008, 02:51:48 PM
My business partner says I could have an About Us page on our web page with a photo of me and with a short bio. Not trans per se only that I clearly am a woman who designs model airplanes. I could go along with that as a replacement.
That's a neat idea. IMHO, there's no reason to advertise our history anymore once we've "come out" to those who needed to know. I don't think it's "going back into the closet," it's just acknowledging that it's not relevant anymore. Like you said, you're "a woman who designs model airplanes." What further "explanation" is needed?
~Kate~
Sounds like a plan, Maggie.
I plan to come out to only those that need to know. And once I'm fully transitioned I just want to live without a huge TRANS emblazoned across my shirt.
Jay
Sounds like a plan to me. I don't really think of myself as trans either, and find it odd when someone refers to me as TS.
Beni
I took down my announcement from my discussion forum today. It was there for a month and received 435 views. The number of views per day trailed off to one or two. Some time ago, Jane asked me to take it down and to tell her when it was done. I had intended to keep it there permanently but my business partners indicated that they felt it was going to hurt my sales. Also one of the people I came out to, gave a response to one of my posts in a gender specific way. He corrected me my name instead of simply posting an alternate position. I don't think he did it intentionally to hurt me but it was clear that my status with him has changed. I have designed over 70 models and he has built three of my prototypes, marveling at my engineering. Now he sees me as a woman which is wonderful. However, making this comment in my public forum showed me that he doesn't respect me the same way. The comment went like this "Edi, is right, Kay, blah blah blah". Actually Edi was not right and even if he was, correcting me this way would never and has never been posted in the forum among men. The correct etiquette is to post a contrary response never referring to the person that made the original point. The idea, is of course, not to demean the original poster and to keep a sense of decorum. I responded by proving my case in detail and with the correct etiquette. I got to thinking about the issue and decided that I had to cope the way many women have to which is to downplay their gender. I changed my member name back to my last name only. Ironically, he is taking my three prototype models that he built to a show this weekend and says he is going to make it a big deal about my company. I may be overreacting but when everyone I deal with starts to side with Jane agreeing to take my announcement down and downplay my trans or woman status, these things loom larger than otherwise. Frankly, it is somewhat scary to think that my competence would be considered less because I am a woman. This is all the more amazing because I had the reputation of having the Rolls Royce of WWI scale models. Sales still seem to indicate that I have a growing business. However, Jane who does the web page has not updated it to replace my male name with M.K. I thought in this enlightened time, we were past gender issues and women's vs man's work. Maybe it is the election and a woman candidate that has brought gender issues back to the front page.
Maggie I hear ya! Trying my darndest to live as a bio-female in the body I was born in it frustrated me NO END that I was not considered competent not only at work sometimes but in life in general, especially when I'm very intelligent and very capable. When the 20-somethings tell me I can't fix my computer the way I know I can (when shopping for parts) it annoys me. It's a sad reality but just show these people that you are your competent self. There are very accomplished women in this world and why some people choose not to accept it bugs me.
I work with 2 of these men. One is very intelligent and competent and I'd enjoy learning more from him if he didn't treat most of us as morons. I'm sure his reaction when I come out won't be very welcome and I doubt he'll ever truly see me as the competent male I am. I'm hoping at least he doesn't make my life more miserable than he already tries (heck, we're all incompetent in his eyes but he doesn't respect the knowledge and dedication of his female staff). Unfortunately he's in a position of authority and is one of my supervisors.
It's very interesting being on both sides of the gender issue and I'm sure I'll see far more as my transition progresses.
Hang in there! YOU know you're competent and capable in your chosen occupation.
Jay
Well, apparently, my designs are still considered award winning. A friend and builder took three models of my design to the Chilliwack B.C. Electric Fly-in and my 1/6th scale Fokker Dr.I got best WWI model ( the second year in a row that one of my designs won) and he got Pilot's choice --Best of Show for the three! Frank knows and has been very supportive of me and my transition. This is big news that one can be out and survive!
I asked Frank if my trans status was discussed and he said it was but in the end everyone agreed that the work stands for itself so it doesn't matter. For a while some thought Frank was me to he had to do some fast talking to correct it that he was not the designer and not trans. He had a blast at the show.
Maggie
Maggie, the plane is awesome!!! My son would LOVE it! He's a WWII buff.
Jay
Jay,
Thank you. I am very proud to be able to produce these designs. Lots of people really like them. They take a fair amount of skill to build, some need a lot, but they have the distinction of being easier to fly than most similar WWI models. They are also closer to the original aircraft designs which makes them look really nice.
Maggie
Posted on: May 26, 2008, 12:03:40 PM
I'm having a bit of awkwardness in dealing with my customers now that I have come out. Most know that I am now Kay ( I use my middle name for business contacts) but often I get calls from customers who have heard about my designs or saw old magazine articles where my male name was mentioned. So I get some folks who are confused. Some know about me and refuse to refer to me as Kay or with female pronouns. I don't want to have to post a THIS IS ME now thing on my web site and I took down my coming out post on my forum. I guess awkward is easier than no calls at all. Business is up actually since I came out. Still, I guess I better get used to the fact that I will be explaining and correcting people for some time to come. It feels odd because I am getting so comfortable in my new life. That old one is so over. It is like old news being rehashed again. I moved on.
Maggie
Maggie,
I sincerely and greatly admire your strength and courage...and the ability to cope with the ups, but also with the downs. You seem to be on the right path for yourself, hopefully I can also.
Flo
Hi Maggie Kay, I am not versed in the art of model aircraft but I must say that you're certainly proficient from what I have observed in the photo. It appears to me that you have a work of art. I could never stay at a project like that long enough to complete it.
Anyway I would say that if it was me I would certainly be proud of of the work you have done. And also be comfortably with who you are, because that also is something to be proud of.
Cindy