What scares you the most? What can bring you to tears with just a thought?
Mine is a consequence of the fact that, although I want it, I will probably never be able to afford surgery. I have for the most part accepted that, but every so often an images comes to me that plunges me into the deepest, darkest despair. Sometimes it's a nightmare, other times simply a waking thought.
The image is one of me, many years from now, lying in a hospital bed. The end is near; there's not much time left. My hair has been cut, my makeup taken away, and the doctors and nurses all are calling me "mister" and "he". I try to plead with them, but my voice is too weak to make myself understood. My eyes close, but I can still hear them talking. "What was he trying to tell us?", one of the nurses asks.
The room fades away, and is replaced with an image of my tombstone, with my male name on it. The inscription reads, "He wanted more."
Annie
Lonelyness
Losing my children.
Chaunte
ok, this is an easy one.
1. My daughter dying...that just freaks me out!
2. My wife dying...that would freak me out!
3. Being put in prison . I actually heard a talk radio show for men in LA where men called in about this, apparently i am not alone, but I bet some of my reasons are different!! lol
4. Me being in a car wreck and someone taking my cloths off while I was knocked out and saying what the hell is this, let "it" die!
5. Someone cutting my nut out, I always had to make doctors promise when I had to have a surgery to promise NOT to take it...they looked at me horrified lol....but i was damn serious!
Peace,
Taylor
PS Jaded, hang in there bro, you will amaze yourself if you do I can actually promise you that!
Losing one of my children
This is a tough one as I have already overcome some of my greatest fears. Let's see:
Children dying.
Not being accepted as a woman (unfounded so far).
Oh, being beaten up or beaten to death for being TS (I don't let this stop me though).
Probably the biggest one at the moment is being fired from my job after coming out.
To be honest, I don't let fear control me. I have faced my fears and that's probably why I'm so much happier now than I've ever been. I used to live with many hidden fears about being TS, but I have been facing everyone within the last year and as I face each one and realize there was nothing to fear in the first place, I feel great. I still have other fears, but the list keeps growing smaller.
Melissa
Not being able to afford surgery is very depressing to me as well and is a big fear of mine. Without surgery I cannot change my name or gender on my birth certificate and that means being constantly outed for the rest of my life. Which could lead to me being stuck at my current employer until I drop dead or retire (prefer to drop dead before retiring to be honest).
However, the biggest one is being targeted by a psycho again. The first time I actually placed myself between one and another person but there seem to be enough of his ilk to go around. I still keep a gun next to me when I sleep and one is with me whenever I travel. I only feel safe enough to sleep when I am with other people and in a familiar place.
That mans Inhumanity to man will ultimatly lead to its own self-destruction.Quote from: Dersi on June 07, 2006, 10:10:13 PM
Lonelyness
One many TS's share baby! Including myself.
oh and
CLOWNS....Spooky!?
Chynna-Doll
Hmmm... I think hurting someone, especially someone I love (though anyone really), would be my biggest day-to-day fear.
I don't mind making someone mad or annoying them... but HURTING them... is so hard to deal with. I don't want to BE that person who COULD or WOULD do that.
Abandonment runs a close second. The thoughts of being totally alone, homeless, abandoned, no job, no support, nowhere to turn. Life is so good right now (aside from the TSism angst) - it makes me conscious of how quickly it could all be gone.
Gee, wonder why transitioning is such a hard decision for me to make?
I have read this thread many times and I'm trying really hard to think up a fear that I might have. I have in the past had all the fears that all of you have had, but I have faced them all, except the prison one and now that I'm post op will be placed in a womans prison if by chance I do something wrong. For most of my life I have been a loner and yes I am married but she is the only true friend I have. I guess if she left me that would be a fear, but being a person who was raised alone or I should say that I have had to make my own decisions at a young age, the fear of her leaving would be devastating for a while but I would get over it like most people do. I guess the fact is that I'm kind of a cold person who has tried to be warm hearted but always get put back in her place. I have no fears. Everyone knows that I'm a transsexual and I don't have anything to hide. Not afraid of death, tried that and will accept my fate.
Sheila
Losing the love of my wife and children and ending my life alone. I can't think of anything else that I fear more than this.
Steph
Quote from: taylor on June 08, 2006, 12:12:08 AM
3. Being put in prison . I actually heard a talk radio show for men in LA where men called in about this, apparently i am not alone, but I bet some of my reasons are different!! lol
been down that road to it aint pretty!!!
Especially when everyone including the prision officials\guards want to have sex with you and there really no one to run to or tell.
It is in itself a living hell...
VALID FEAR
the only true prision is in your mind!
Chynna
exactly the same as Annie, specially this part ''tombstone, with my male name on it'' :( .
* :icon_hug:*
Michelle
I copied Stephb except I added grandchildren.
Losing the love of my wife, children, grandchildren and ending my life alone. This is my worst fear.
Another fear I have is waking up and finding that I've lost myself (Jillieann) and that I'm back to being that empty shell of a male that I once was.
It makes me shiver just to think of it. :o
This is too depressing.
Jillieann
Definitely imprisonment, at any level.
Quote from: Chynna on June 08, 2006, 08:23:46 AM
That mans Inhumanity to man will ultimatly lead to its own self-destruction.
I'm afraid that is unavoidable. I think that it is inevitable that with or without us the world as we know it will end sooner or later.
Quoteoh and CLOWNS....Spooky!?
Aha you and Kramer who would have thunk.
Steph
Posted at: June 11, 2006, 12:18:15 AM
That's easy, loosing my daughter, and loosing my partner.
QuoteFirst of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
Steph
Quote from: Jillieann on June 10, 2006, 09:08:15 PMAnother fear I have is waking up and finding that I've lost myself ...
My very worst fear is
falling asleep, allowing the fog of this world to engulf me completely... oblitering all memory of who I am/was and what my purpose was for coming here.
The thing is, I'm getting really, really tired... this goofy dream has been going on for SO long.
I've been thinkin on this thread since it was posted. I love sleeping. Could do it all day.
My biggest fear is screwing up, especially at work. I take on huge responsibilities at work and missing a deadline, forgetting a very important case (I have about 100 on the go at any given time, so that's not as weird as it sounds), they terrify me. I am so dependent on my secretary to remind me of stuff that if I missed something and she missed something, we could totally screw someone's life up. And money couldn't make up for it. The stuff we deal with is parenting, child protection, criminal charges. Messing up there can cost people in ways that can't be measured financially.
If I thought about this too much it would drive me batty. But sometimes I feel like I'm juggling with people's lives.
Dennis
Quote from: Kate on June 11, 2006, 01:42:48 AM
My very worst fear is falling asleep, allowing the fog of this world to engulf me completely... oblitering all memory of who I am/was and what my purpose was for coming here.
The thing is, I'm getting really, really tired... this goofy dream has been going on for SO long.
You should watch the movie "Dark City".
I've thought more about this thread. My fears match most women. I'm afraid of getting attacked when I'm out. I'm afraid of somebody raping me. I'm afraid of mass embarrassment (such as being outed in front of a large group of people). Still this does nto stop me from living life, it just helps me be more cautious.
Melissa
Quote from: Dennis on June 11, 2006, 02:46:06 AM
...
My biggest fear is screwing up, especially at work. I take on huge responsibilities at work and missing a deadline, forgetting a very important case (I have about 100 on the go at any given time, so that's not as weird as it sounds), they terrify me. I am so dependent on my secretary to remind me of stuff that if I missed something and she missed something, we could totally screw someone's life up. And money couldn't make up for it. The stuff we deal with is parenting, child protection, criminal charges. Messing up there can cost people in ways that can't be measured financially.
...
My brother visited a couple weeks ago and we were talking about our own jobs and the work that we do. He is a lawyer with legal aid and he was telling me how he must deal with those same issues that you have discribed, but more importantly he discribed how he fears those same things you do.
Steph
I have thought about this thread for quite some time, but I just can not justify advertising... So, I will say this.
My greatest fear is an inevitability.
But, hay, IF I am right then it is practically meaningless in the scheme of things... An IF I am wrong, then it doesn't matter anyway.
Hello everyone,
My greatest fear would be one or more of my wife or one of my children getting killed or seriously injured. Second would be that I never get to transition physically.
Love always,
Elizabeth
What scares me the most? two things actually.
1) Losing my boyfriend.
2) becoming a man once again (I know this will never happen though, but the thought of it scares me to death)
tinkerbell :icon_chick:
Not the biggest but one of the most recent biggies, for me: Getting read in a public ladies room and being beaten to a pulp by an irate, trans & homophobic husband/boyfriend/brother before getting arrested when the police finally get there. :'(
And, of course, me being the one arrested, not the one who assulted me, >:( and then the fun really beginning.
I think this may be slightly irrational, but not very much. I drive 1½ hours each way to my support group meetings and I pass a highway (NY State Thruway, a toll road) rest stop on the way. There have already been times where I wanted to stop (coffee'll do that to ya) but I kept driving and suffering until I got home.
Actually, any kind of violence sparked by my transsexuality is very frightening but the situation I described above seems to be the most fraught with risk.
helen
That's terrible, Helen. I'm sorry that happened to you. Have you recovered from the assualt? Ignorant people like the man who beat you bring shame upon all humanity.
Nero
Quote from: HelenW on June 12, 2006, 08:21:28 PM
Not the biggest but one of the most recent biggies, for me: Getting read in a public ladies room and being beaten to a pulp by an irate, trans & homophobic husband/boyfriend/brother before getting arrested when the police finally get there. :'(
Wow and this wasn't the biggest. I hate to think what the other was.
Steph
Oh no, Nero, Stephanie! I'm sorry if I gave the wrong impression, that's a fear of mine - it hasn't happened (Thanks to the Deity!)
I remember reading about letters therapists give to their transsexual patients, you know: Walking Papers, to inform people that I'm transsexul, under the doctor's care, etc. but I don't think anything like that would help very much in that kind of situation.
It's kind of a main concern right now, fear about bad reactions when I start to go out as myself more often.
helen
Posted at: June 12, 2006, 10:02:35 PM
I have a pistol permit and am allowed to carry a concealed weapon - I'm actually considering going out armed simply for the peace of mind.
But that could bring even more problems. The picture on the permit was taken in 1982 - I looked a "little" different then (LOL) so I might be arrested for illegal possession of a firearm too.
I just don't know . . . . .
What was I thinking? The topic states clearly "What's your greatest fear?"
But I am relieved that didn't really happen to you.
Nero
I suppose I have a similar fear Helen. A woman figuring out that I'm TS, running out of the bathroom screaming and grabbing a cop standing outside. I don't have my "papers" yet, but I seem to pass fine, so this hasn't been an issue.
About going straight home from your support group meeting, I'm not sure what you look like, but maybe facing your fear little by little would help. Maybe start by going through a semi crowded place and see if people keep staring at you and giving you nasty looks. It could also be that they're checking you out, so don't suddenly get freaked out if all the men are looking at you. However, if the women are...
Melissa
Thankfully we don't need papers in Canada or anything else to prove who and what we are. And Helen I'm so glad that it's a fear and it didn't happen to you (Whew). Well I'm not glad it's a fear, I'm just glad that it didn't happen to you. Hmmmmm that still doesn't sound right... ahhh you know what I mean.
Steph
I just wanted to mention that very few U. S. states or municipalities (if any) have any laws on the books regarding who may or may not use a given restroom. If someone threatens arrest, you're perfectly within your rights to demand to know what the charge would be.
I'm not saying that this is a wise course of action, just something to keep in mind!
Annie
it's kind of a strange situation. I know that here in Ontario there are no laws on the books on who may use what restrooms. If a male decided to use a female restroom with the sole purpose of passing bodily waste then that is not against the law. You are just responding to a normal bodily function. i know if i were caught short I would have no problems diving into the mens restroom, to hell with what they thought.
Steph
Hello everyone,
Here in Los Angeles County, the Sheriff's office has advised that all transgendered people use the restroom of thier target gender. The risk of being assaulted is much greater for us transwomen in the men's restroom, than it is by some upset husband or boyfriend.
I always use the women's restroom, and must admit at first I had a bit of trepidation, but now I don't even give it a thought. I have never been hassled in anyway. Lines however do make me nervous. I will not wait in line at a women's restroom, unless my wife is with me.
Love always,
Elizabeth
I understand what you mean elizabeth. It gives them time to examine you. I went to the fair a while ago and there was a line. I opted to hold it a while and when I couldn't hold it any longer I went back and the line was shorter, but I didn't have any problems. I actually feel so guilty using the men's restroom that I have stopped using it now. When presenting as male, I either use a unisex restroom or hold it.
Melissa
It's funny. Your exact fear, some of you, actually happened to me. I went into the women's room after a tennis tournament and as I was opening the door to go in, a guy grabbed me by the shoulder and swung at me. I ducked, ran into the women's room, did a little hurdle race over the benches in the change room and locked myself in a stall.
The guy yellled "Helen!!!". The women in there said what the hell was that? I said, from my stall, some guy out there is attacking women. (I knew exactly what he thought, that I was a guy invading the women's room). Got them all in a panic, so they all went out there to find this guy.
I hope he felt like a complete idiot.
Dennis
I bet Helen was pretty mad at him. :D He probably got an earful that night.
Melissa
life
Posted at: June 15, 2006, 10:03:15 PM
not in the suicidal way just not knowing what will come next
Quoteoh and CLOWNS....Spooky!?
thank you chynna! finally someone that understands the spookiness of the clown.
i have a few fears a long those lines, but in regards to life fears, one of my biggest fears is that i'm half way through transitioning and my wife (she will be my wife by then) decides that she doesn't like "who i've become" and leaves me.
also, a huge fear is that anything would happen to my stepdaughter or amy, i don't know what i would do, but i would be livid and crazy!
I was just thinking tonight and it hit me what my greatest fear is and I remembered this thread.
My greatest fear is that when I divorce my wife, her lawyer will talk her into going after everything I have and because I'm TS, the judge will rule in her favor and as a result I wouldn't be able to afford SRS for many years and would become suicidal before I was ever able to get it.
That is my greatest fear.
Melissa
I'm also thinking tonight...it's one of those nights when sleep doesn't come easy. In other words...an AMBIEN night, you know.
I'm afraid, no "afraid" is the wrong word, that's not what I mean....my greatest fear is to succumb to depression for something that isn't worth it.
tinkerbell
Once my greatest fear became reality I realized that there is nothing left to fear for me...
the only fear I have left is truthfully the one I posted that one day society's hatred, fear and arrogance will truly destroy everyone and everything we has a species have accomplished.
Oh and damn CLOWNS!! Keep forget them....
Mimes are OK just creepy...but who thought the idea of a fun loving character for children would be a clown???
Staying away from the greatest show on earth...
Chynna White
QuoteOh and damn CLOWNS!! Keep forget them....
Mimes are OK just creepy...but who thought the idea of a fun loving character for children would be a clown???
again, thank you chynna!! big creepy painted on smiles with crazy hair a noses like alcoholics! it's bloody terrifying.
for my 3rd birthday my parents rented a clown from some agency over the phone and he showed up on a harley with a leather jacket!! he came in the door wreaking of cigarette smoke and he pulled a skull out of his black bag as a "funny prop". it was terrifying and we all started crying. he tried to calm us all down with face paint... but an hour later, everyone that got their face painted had broken out in a terrible rash.
can you say TRAUMATIZING!?!?!?
-tino-
... scarred for life by the harley clown...
That's hilarious, Tino.
I love clowns though. They're so bright and cheerful, but what I really love are those "good clown gone bad" stories, kind of like your harley clown, Tino.
There's something so sinister and fascinating about a psychopath hiding behind the benevolent clown facade.
Send in the clowns...
Nero
Quote from: Nero on June 27, 2006, 07:46:39 PM
Send in the clowns...
Nero
Don't bother I'm here!.............. ;D :D
Sorry got caught in da mood
Posted at: June 28, 2006, 09:00:01 AM
OH I did think of a realistic fear I still have:
Breast Cancer! I can't imagine life without my two girls (the rack as nero calls it!)
no no, send the clown back out!!!
-tino-
Irrational fear..... Spiders
Rational fear... My bands music career being destroyed by my comeing out full time. My band and my music mean everything to me. I dont know what I would do with out them or it.
Rational fear... Im also terrified of imprisonment.....
That the Twenty-second Amendment will be repealed.
My greatest fear was telling my spouse...then I did.
Then it was telling my children...which I did.
Then it was telling my family...and I did.
Then telling my clients...going full time...surgery...making it all work...
I'm not afraid much any more.
Dawn
Quote from: DawnL on June 28, 2006, 08:55:11 PM
My greatest fear was telling my spouse...then I did.
Then it was telling my children...which I did.
Then it was telling my family...and I did.
Then telling my clients...going full time...surgery...making it all work...
I'm not afraid much any more.
Dawn
You've come along way girl. After enduring that there's not much more to be afraid of :)
Steph
Cindi, I've thought long and hard about the question:
If you had to lose one sense or the other, sight or hearing, what would you choose?
After long internal debate, I would prefer to lose my sight if I could keep my hearing. I could communicate then and still be able to participate in life more fully than if I were to chose deafness.
I already have 'cocktail party deafness' where an environment polluted by noise can effectively render voices unintelligible. And I hate those situations now...
Karen
Having the wrong people find out and taking my wife and kids from me, such as I and my wife feel some members of her family more so would do such thing. That is, make life so rough that the only peace she would know existed would be away from me to satisfy them. I know, over paranoid but things do happen. We are a strong couple but their bond is of a close nature as well which is why this is the main thing scaring me :eusa_pray:
Quote from: Kim on July 17, 2006, 06:10:54 PM
Having the wrong people find out and taking my wife and kids from me, such as I and my wife feel some members of her family more so would do such thing. That is, make life so rough that the only peace she would know existed would be away from me to satisfy them. I know, over paranoid but things do happen. We are a strong couple but their bond is of a close nature as well which is why this is the main thing scaring me :eusa_pray:
Family bonds are always hard to deal with. I think the best thing for you to do is to make sure that the bond between you and your wife and kids is stronger. People say that blood is thicker than water, but not always. making sure that your own family unit is strong, happy, and fruitful will go along way in fending off outside attacks.
Steph
That Melissa won't come back.
Nero
Quote from: Nero on July 17, 2006, 09:42:34 PM
That Melissa won't come back.
Nero
I will second that fear. I am so emotional of late reading that she may not come back was hard to take this morning.
Alice
I came back. :)
Melissa
:) :) :) :)
Alice
I guess my greatest fear is following my families tradition of a long painful drawn out death in a bed in a dreary place. That or being found emaciated and drunk face down in the gutter.
Sorry, about this but you asked.
I was just thinking along similar lines yesterday. Many people might say they fear something along the lines of:
Being persecuted for being who I really am.
But, here's a worse one:
Having to hide who I really am for fear of being persecuted.
Melissa
Quote from: Melissa on July 18, 2006, 10:45:29 AM
But, here's a worse one:
Having to hide who I really am for fear of being persecuted.
Melissa
Haven't most of us already been there? Transition happens when you overcome that fear.
Dawn
Quote from: DawnL on July 18, 2006, 07:40:32 PM
Haven't most of us already been there? Transition happens when you overcome that fear.
Dawn
Yes indeed. :)
Steph
Quote from: DawnL on July 18, 2006, 07:40:32 PM
Haven't most of us already been there? Transition happens when you overcome that fear.
Dawn
Yes, but I meant going back to that after transitioning. I cannot hide who I am any longer and don't personally experience this, but others might.
Melissa
Quote from: Melissa on July 18, 2006, 11:03:16 PM
Yes, but I meant going back to that after transitioning. I cannot hide who I am any longer and don't personally experience this, but others might.
Melissa
And surely others may not.
Steph
I'm sorry I stated this wrong. It's not a fear of expressing who you are because you will be persecuted, but the fear that I would feel I needed to go back to hiding and not expressing who I truly am.
Melissa
Quote from: Melissa on July 18, 2006, 11:15:39 PM
I'm sorry I stated this wrong. It's not a fear of expressing who you are because you will be persecuted, but the fear that I would feel I needed to go back to hiding and not expressing who I truly am.
Melissa
Aha, there you go.
Steph
My biggest fear is myself and fits of depression.
Sarah L.
Quote from: Sarah Louise on July 19, 2006, 08:44:37 AM
My biggest fear is myself and fits of depression.
Sarah L.
That I can identify with.
*Hug*One word from me, to you. "Love".
That one single word has saved me twice.
I share it with you, should you ever need.
failure and spiders
My greatest fear in life I would have to say...Would be that of not being accepted in society as a woman. I think that would just absolutely kill me!
I value my womanhood so much that it makes me wanna cry :(
Total rejection from friends and family and also
Spandex.
at the moment, my greatest fears are
1. Being stuck in a desicion that could make or break me: the original rock and hard place. I'm usually a very decisive person, so finding that I can't make a decision really scares me.
2. Being outed and disowned by my friends and family: I need love to survive.
3. Discovering that I'm not transsexual at all, and that this whole painful, wonderous journey is just a twisted machination of my own sick mind (please Goddess, never let this happen!)
Love,
Mina.
Quote from: Mina on April 13, 2007, 08:45:35 AM
Discovering that I'm not transsexual at all, and that this whole painful, wonderous journey is just a twisted machination of my own sick mind (please Goddess, never let this happen!)
This is my second greatest fear, my first being alone for the rest of my life, never having a partner to help me carry on.
The realities of violence against transgendered people is among the things I fear most. I want to be able to live my life safely as who I am without becoming another statistic.
zythyra
night mares and not being able to make it.
Floritine
I have two greatest fears.
#2: When I die Deb will bury me as "Robert."
#1: I will get Alzheimers and forget that I ever transitioned and will be left only with the memories of the horrible life I had before.
Quote from: Chynna on June 26, 2006, 08:51:18 AM
Oh and damn CLOWNS!! Keep forget them....
Mimes are OK just creepy...but who thought the idea of a fun loving character for children would be a clown???
When Lucas was getting ready to produce
The Fantom Menace, he told the designer of Darth Mahl to make a drawing of his greatest fear. He was then asked to go back and draw his second greatest fear because he had given Lucas a drawing of a clown.
Quote from: Annie Social on June 13, 2006, 06:20:56 PM
I just wanted to mention that very few U. S. states or municipalities (if any) have any laws on the books regarding who may or may not use a given restroom. If someone threatens arrest, you're perfectly within your rights to demand to know what the charge would be.
In all likelyhood it would be trespass.
Quote from: Lisbeth on April 25, 2007, 11:52:25 AM
#1: I will get Alzheimers and forget that I ever transitioned and will be left only with the memories of the horrible life I had before.
Oh my. Hadn't thought of that, but considering the family history that's bound to appear on my list from now on. :(
Of course, it's also possible the Alzheimer's will cause a regression into a five-year-old girl.
Nfr
Quote from: Mina on April 13, 2007, 08:45:35 AM
at the moment, my greatest fears are
3. Discovering that I'm not transsexual at all, and that this whole painful, wonderous journey is just a twisted machination of my own sick mind (please Goddess, never let this happen!)
Terrible fear of mine. Or that the doctors will refuse to treat me and believe it's some psychosis because I'm bipolar (another take on that).
I'm terribly afraid of my bipolar disorder and what it does to me.
Being 48, I'm afraid that HRT will kill me with an embolism before I can fully transition. :(
Rhonda
be rejected by my family and die lonely.