Hey everyone. I'm a little embarrassed to say that I actually joined nearly a year ago, introduced myself, and then fell out of contact. I kept meaning come back (and after some time, rejoin) but I kept not doing it for some reason. Laziness is a terrible thing, it is. But now I'm back, and this time, I think I'll try to keep active and involved. I really do love this place, and even when I'm not a member, I come here frequently. Even I wonder about me sometimes...
Anyway, since it has been a year, let's start over.
My name is Jocelyn, you can call me that if you want, or maybe Joss or Lynn. (I've heard every variation) Anyway, I'm 22 years old and I'm an MtF pre-op transsexual. Though as far as I can remember I've always been like this, I only made the final decision that I wanted to do something about it two years ago. My main goal at this time was that I wanted to dress up publicly; see how that would make me feel. However, it took until almost a year after this decision to finally accomplish it due to money, living, support, and my shyness.
When I joined last year, it was shortly after my 21st birthday when I dressed up for the first time. I looked and felt better than I ever had. I went to a local gay bar with a handful of close friends I'd told about myself. I figured it'd be a safe-zone; that if I was read, it wouldn't be that big of a deal anyway since few people should be closed-minded on the subject at a place like that. Interestingly enough, (and good advice for other new MtFs) people seem to be more likely to assume you're a guy if you wear a dress in a gay bar... no matter how feminine you look. Ouch. Regardless, I had fun and was happy. Even if everyone there could figure me out, I felt right (and was still safe), and that was what mattered to me.
The problem was, my life was primarily lived as a guy. At the time, nothing was going to change that. And as phenomenal as I'd feel when I dressed up, I would feel worse than before whenever I had to change back. Not to mention, there was a horrible withdrawal if I ever "missed a day" of dressing up.
As much as I always knew I wanted to be a girl, I never wanted the surgery because I was afraid to face and/or let down my parents (being the youngest, and "most normal" of three). I never wanted them to know. I hoped dressing up would be fine enough, and if I lived away from them, I could do so without them ever knowing. Some two months after my birthday, I broke down. I realized it wasn't enough. There wasn't a thing in the world I could do to satisfy both them and myself. I had to make a choice.
And I did thanks to reading "She's Not There". I realized that while I was trapped already as it was, I didn't want to wait another 20 years, married, with kids, and now more trapped than ever like Jenny in the book. I realized that it's better to be somewhat incovenienced sooner, than live in absolute torment later. After reading it, I literally spent a day and a half locked in my room. Thinking.
When it came down to it, I not only wanted to do this, I had to. And I was going to.
Over the rest of the time between then and now, most of it was spent slowly telling my friends for support (for which I got it), eventually writing a 7 page letter to my parents (for which I surprisingly got a reluctant support), and of course, met Kelly, the girl who realized she wanted to be with me regardless of my transsexuality. We've been together 7 months and counting, and she also is a member here.
Things are looking up support-wise. But when it comes down to it, I'm still no closer to my goal of becoming a full woman than I was a year ago. I still haven't even found a therapist. My hometown is oddly devoid of them. But I'll be moving in a couple months. One can only hope that I'll be able to find someone who can help when I get there.
And that's everything important from the past year in a brief synopsis. I'm sure it's a fairly generic story, but I do feel good getting off my chest anyway.
Well, here's hoping I won't have to reintroduce myself again next year. I'd rather not make a habit of this. It's a thrill to meet you, and I hope we all get along wonderfully.
- Jocelyn
Re-Welcome Jocelyn. That was a very well written intro. I am happy you have found support. I especially understand the part of locking yourself in your room to think for half a day. I still have to do something similar from time to time.
Melissa
(= Hi hi Jocelyn! I was hoping you would drop in!
Don't worry about going slow, just keep going and you will get to where you want to be ;)
Hello Jocelyn.
Welcome back, don't be a stranger that's for sure. I hope you find Susan's hasn't changed since your last visits :) Glad you decided to come back.
Steph
The warm welcome sure is nice to see. I'm glad to be back.
- Jocelyn
Hi, Lynn, reWelcome!
Sometimes pauses between steps is a good thing and it looks like you weren't completely immobile in the past year anyway so I think you are closer to your goal.
I'll be looking forward to reading more poests from you,
agn, WELCOME ! ! ! :D
helen
Hello Babygirl!
I knew if I needled you enough, you'd sign up again! >:D
Love you! Have fun!!!
Hi Jocelyn,
Glad to meet you. I one of the people who has married had kids and now have grand kids. I call myself a late bloomer. I'm glad you have a supportive SO and freinds. My wife is okay as long as she doesn't see me dressed or talk about it.
So I am taking baby steps when I want to leap.
But it not all that bad I am still learning about myself. I usually go out dressed once a week and it alway hard to go back to the depressing "norm" of life.
:)
Jillieann