Kate mentioned "the slide" a while back and I was curious what others
have experienced... it's like a self realization of who you really are, a peeling back of
the layers of denial and an acceptance of what you've been. This self
realization started very slowly when I was young and for me and has just gathered
steam. I think Kate described something that starts in the beginning stages of transition.
But I think it may start when you first realize something is not right... for me about 9 or 10.
Here is how "THE Slide" has gone with me so far, thing's I've told myself and
things I've asked myself:
Around age 9 or 10:
Why do all the other girls treat me differently... I feel like I connect... like I'm one of them.
Early Teens's - the WORST time of my life
Why are all my friends girls? Is there something wrong with me?
Hey guys... I don't want to play football.. lets pretend...
Yea... I know I throw like a girl... I'm not sure why
This hair on my legs is so gross... I'll just shave them once to see
how it looks.
Mom... I want to wear pretty clothes like all my friends... why won't you let me?
Why do I walk like that...like a girl, the other kids will make fun of me... and
stop making those girly faces.
Why am I like this? What is going on... I'm just going to end it, that would be easier.
No Sis... I did not use your razor and no I'm not showing you my legs.
No dad I'm not ever going hunting with you again... it's totally gross... and I'm not
playing football next year either.
Late teens - a less horrible time
NO... I do not want my picture taken... I'm SO ugly.
The girls really like me...and this new body... but why are so attracted to me? I'm SO
ugly.
Hi sweetie... lets be friends ... I want to be you but I don't know that right now...
let me live vicariously OK? We'll do girl stuff... I really don't mind... not sure why.
I hate these new muscles... why do they keep growing?
Twenties: fun playing house with your best friend
What is this hair on my face?
I don't need guy friends or male bonding, that is just not me.
I can try wearing makeup when sweetie is out... just this once.
Yea I could get married... we are such good friends, I can't think
who I'd rather spend time with.
Oh good sweetie is going out of town... makeup time It's just
fun... I'm SUCH a guy.
I don't know why I cry sweetie... I feel things deeply.
Kids? god no... I'm not ready yet... I can't tell you why, I'm
not sure I can do it. It's not for me.
I'm just going to wear your t-shirt sweetie... yea I know it has
a girls neck, all mine are dirty.
You know, I think children mothers are so important... my wife wants to
stay home with them... I think I should do everything I can to let
her.
Humm... my relationship with my wife is SO different than
every other guy I know... why do I like spending so much time with
her? Shudder.... I even like her ?
Yea honey I'll cook again... you know I love to do stuff like that
The death penalty is so barbaric... please stop it.
No I can't have the dog put to sleep... I'm sorry I can't.
Thirties's - a depressing decade
Yuck... what is this hair on my chest?
Woman's political issues, check, check and check... I don't know
sweetie... why do all my viewpoints seem so in line with women?
Another family event... oh good I get to hang out with the women, they
are always a good time.
I can't see why you find guys attractive sweetie... they all look the same.
I'm not sure why I like to help you decorate sweetie... it's fun... and we
have such a good time shopping for furniture.
I wish I could be comfortable with my body... something is
just not right. I'm up to 150lbs... I need to lose weight.
Oh cool... miss america is on... lets watch and rip them to shreds sweetie :)
I don't see why guys have to have such a problem with gay people, they
are usually really cool. They are always really attracted to you sweetie... that's
weird.
Road trip... Yah! lets go shopping at that big mall in....
I'm so depressed... is this all there is in life? I have not laughed or
had a good time in years... I'm dead inside.
I should have ended it the first time I tried.
NO... I'm not getting in the pool without a t-shirt on.
No... I was not reading your womens magazine... I thought it was mine.
"You complete me" Sweetie... yea that was a good movie... and you had
me at "Hello" too.
I don't know why I'm so modest sweetie... it's just the way I am.
Yes I'm starting another project... must... stay ...busy.
Late thirties: the feeling to be ME gets stronger and stronger
How did I get so big... 185 is huge... I've got to lose some weight.
I really "feel" female for some reason.... can't put my finger on it.
I just want to shave my legs, this hair looks so terrible, I'll just do it once
Humm... that chest hair looks funny too... that will have to go.
I really like those running shoes... yes I know they are womens.
Oh look sweetie... "What not to Wear" is coming on... darn... we've seen this
one at least three times.
Did you see that ad for moisturizer in your new In-Style sweetie?
Yes I know I'm getting thin...but I'm 165... I hated being so big, I feel better this way.
I just want to be me... I want to wear clothes that aren't so plain.
Those panties have much better support... I'm going to start wearing them all the time.
I like the looks of those girl jeans.
I feel really good dressed as a woman, very pretty.
I'd like to live for one day as you sweetie
Um... yea... I've got your In Style mag on my side of the bed, oh you can have
these others back to.
A little mascara won't hurt, just this once
I really feel like a woman inside.
Yes honey my face does look better but I need to lose to about 135, then my body
will look right
I really hate my nose I could never get a female looking rhinoplasty
Humm.. female elbows... that's why I could never throw a baseball right
I could not transition... I'd never pass as female, it makes me feel good to play one.
Humm... that guy was really cute, that's funny.
I can't leave home without a touch of mascara, and I'll add a little lipstick., just for
some color.
The 70's prints are really back in this year sweetie... that's cool... I always like those. Oh look
at this one... that would look awesome on you.
Yea I bought some new jeans sweetie... the girls fit so much better and I like the look.
Humm. I might pass someday as a woman.
I'll try HRT to see what it is like. Just to see if it's for me. I'll stop before
my boobs grow.
I'm going to get hair removal on my neck... I can still live as a guy.
I want to experience life as a woman just to see what it's like.
I could never go out dressed as a woman.
No sweetie... that's not lipstick...
There is no way I could go back to living without HRT. I will not quit HRT, ever.
I'm not here for a letter Miss Therapist... I've already started
HRT I want to talk about guilt about hurting people IF I come out.
I don't want to live full time... I can just be myself at home.
My nose is so ugly... I'd love to have a cute female nose.
I can't wait for my boobies to grow more I'd love to be more than an A cup... a C cup would be about right.
I need chin work too...
I can see myself living full time as a woman.
OMG... it feels so goos to be dressed as a woman in public... I feel like me.
How long before I can afford full hair removal?
Um... yes sweetie that is lipstick... I could not find my chapstick
I want full FFS as soon as possible.
I'm not sure I want SRS... that's pretty drastic.
I can't wait till I'm full time... I hate this in-between.
I want to talk about when I come out Miss Therapist...
And that's the way it's gone... one small step leads to the next and
before you know it you're sliding at top speed.
What has your "slide" been like?
Amanda
Hi Amanda,
Interesting, I think my transition was more of a Pandora's box situation, once opened everything flew out and the lid could not be put back on.
Yes it was a little like yours but quicker once I understood what I had and who I was.
hugs
Nigella
This reminds me of Leo Tolstoy's
"All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
all transsexual people resemble one another - in one way or the other, and yet we are all unhappy in our own way
Quote from: AlwaysAmanda on April 28, 2008, 01:24:31 PM
Humm.. female elbows... that's why I could never throw a baseball right
:laugh:
I'm not really sure what "female elbows" are, but it gave me a laugh!
Of course my throwing arm is hardly going to get me into the majors...
Why do sports all have to be so
competitive? :)
You are so good at putting it all into words, Amanda. It's comforting to know that so many others have been through all this. There was a time when I thought it was just me that had these thoughts and feelings. Thanks
L.
Quote from: stardust on April 28, 2008, 04:42:07 PM
I think my transition was more of a Pandora's box situation, once opened everything flew out and the lid could not be put back on.
hugs
Nigella
Yeah, that is how mine has been too and it has been full steam ahead ever since then.
entertaining read, Amanda. I was able to mentally check off a lot of the same things. The order was sometimes different, but you've covered pretty much all the bases. :)
I don't think there's a single thing you mentioned that I couldn't relate to.
Quoteentertaining read, Amanda. I was able to mentally check off a lot of the same things. The order was sometimes different, but you've covered pretty much all the bases. I don't think there's a single thing you mentioned that I couldn't relate to.
LOL... Thanks... it's kinda weird to think about all the things during your life and give sound bites... my therapist
asked me to do something similar and it really helped me to see who I was and am. And to see how little by
little I've "wet my feet" and allowed "me to be me" as she puts it.
QuoteI'm not really sure what "female elbows" are, but it gave me a laugh!
It's a body trait that some feel indicates the wrong level of hormones when you were
just forming... a TS's MAY have an elbow angle that is more female. If you search
"elbow angle" you should find the thread.
QuoteYou are so good at putting it all into words, Amanda. It's comforting to know that so many others have been through all this. There was a time when I thought it was just me that had these thoughts and feelings. Thanks
Thanks Louise :) I just write from the heart... sometimes it's not pretty :) There was a time that I thought I was some
weird deviant too with some mental illness or something. I did not tie things together for a long time.
Amanda
Seeing as I'm only 20, I haven't experienced the whole getting married deal.
I could relate to what you said for the earlier years albeit in a different way. My slide was a little different. First of all I grew up on a farm so all there was to do was play outside. So I was ridiculously active as a child and had a lot of male friends with whom I would ride bikes and do other fun activities. But yeah, I always had that nagging feeling that all the girls I knew were lucky because they actually got to be girls and I was stuck being a boy. When I was little, though, I thought every guy felt the same way. I was sure wrong. Oh, I also went to a private school where we wore uniforms so the clothing issue wasn't a huge deal. At the same time I did have a lot more female friends in high school than male ones.
Then once everything clicked I started taking the necessary steps. So far it's been only the therapist, but yeah, it feels like getting shot out of a cannon toward my actual life.
Quote from: AlwaysAmanda on April 29, 2008, 12:01:25 PM
Quoteentertaining read, Amanda. I was able to mentally check off a lot of the same things. The order was sometimes different, but you've covered pretty much all the bases. I don't think there's a single thing you mentioned that I couldn't relate to.
LOL... Thanks... it's kinda weird to think about all the things during your life and give sound bites... my therapist
asked me to do something similar and it really helped me to see who I was and am. And to see how little by
little I've "wet my feet" and allowed "me to be me" as she puts it.
QuoteI'm not really sure what "female elbows" are, but it gave me a laugh!
It's a body trait that some feel indicates the wrong level of hormones when you were
just forming... a TS's MAY have an elbow angle that is more female. If you search
"elbow angle" you should find the thread.
QuoteYou are so good at putting it all into words, Amanda. It's comforting to know that so many others have been through all this. There was a time when I thought it was just me that had these thoughts and feelings. Thanks
Thanks Louise :) I just write from the heart... sometimes it's not pretty :) There was a time that I thought I was some
weird deviant too with some mental illness or something. I did not tie things together for a long time.
Amanda
1. Did "elbow angle" search, found thread.
2. Checked finger length - identical lengths
3. Did elbow angle test - Observed that pinky finger was away from my hip.
4. :o
Quote1. Did "elbow angle" search, found thread.
2. Checked finger length - identical lengths
3. Did elbow angle test - Observed that pinky finger was away from my hip.
4. :o
That the same way I felt :)
Amanda
there are some simularties like i like playing dolls ,& why can't i bend my knees, why are they laughing at the way i walk but i am a girl here & here (heart & brain) and OH MY these pants look so HOT on me! wearing panties oh this feels good on hose & socks this just feels right the way it's supposed to be, oh and about my legs when i was born my legs were stiff could not bend my knees they were fixed later on but i still walk very stiff legged i mean when you'd see me you'd know that i was "different" from just looking at me
8-10
saw Real People on TV about the married couple that switched sexes through surgery. I was fascinated that it was possible...
teens
played with my moms clothes secretly
didnt fit in
afraid of locker room cuz i was small and inverted "down there"
terrible at sports
loved to just talk
girls wanted to be my friend, not lovers
20-25
got married, had a child
had marital trouble, wasnt happy for some reason
played with my wifes clothes...got caught...no problem though
wife said one day "Youd look really cute in makeup" so she did it
...and I did.
25-30
divorced and remarried...lost a TON of weight while on my own
bought alot of clothes while unmarried...purged twice
never tried makeup again.
got hit on by many, many gay men
still didnt know what trans was
got first computer...then I figured it out.
divorced again
30-35
Alone again, learning more about myself
met a girl who was cool with trans, taught me alot
women still want to be my friend...and talk things over
started attending "trans nite" , dressed, at a local bar
bought a ton of clothes and makeup
dressed always at home
started wearing undies, eyeliner and perfume to work
and just looking pretty
I blamed it on my being in a band
People always said I was "unique"
35-40
I now know Im really a girl inside and getting very comfy with it
Dont feel the need to have SRS, but would love to
lose the sac o'fun...Ill keep the rest
Married again, to a great girl who gets me fully
she loves how I am and saw this side of me 10 years ago
when she first met me...and loved it...she just knew.
Im still in the house, but will be outside soon as Im prepping my
look and wardrobe
dont really care what the world thinks anymore.
My story was rather different than most girls I guess. I grew up lost and confused about my identity. I was 8yrs old when I was diagnosed with GID. The doctors told my mother to put me on the sports team and that would cure my GID. The only good part about that is that I was able to spend even more time with the boys. But anyway, once I hit puberty, I knew something wasn't right because I didn't look like the other boys. My doctors kept telling me that I was developing as a normal boy, but something wasn't physically right. The boys in my gym class looked different. By the time I was 18 years old, I was so confused in my identity that I had major issues in my social life. I needed help seriously that all my doctors just ignored my problems. By this age, I dropped out of high school because I could not take being taunted and beat up on a constant basis.
At 20 years of age, I saw a talk show about women who were born as males. I had just came in from work and I was tired and exhausted. I watched the show and it was like me sitting on that stage talking to the audience. I knew what I had to do. I got up and went downtown. I brought panties, bras and a few blouses. My hair was short and I already had my ears pierced. I came home and changed cloths, putting on the panties and bra. I put on a pair of slacks and the blouse and headed to the most populated downtown block I could find. As I walked down that street, I felt everyone was laughing and pointing at me. It was horrible.
I came home and looked at myself in the mirror to see what I was doing wrong. I could see the problem. So, I brought women clothes, a wig and I quit my job as a male. I wrote my own legal papers to have my name changed legally and began the process of changing my name. Once the courts granted my legal name change, I proceeded to have my legal documents changed. Once my new legal documents came in, I began my life as a female. There was no transition period for me.
I created my resume and began looking for a job. I never had a problem finding work as a female. I never had a problem using the female bathroom. My identification said female so, I didn't have problem if I did get questioned. The most difficult part for me was starting HRT.
I had doctors wanting me to go a whole year before they would allow me to begin HRT. This was not a option for me and I sought HRT elsewhere. I found one doctor and he immediately place me on HRT. I had bad reactions to hormones and I was on and off up to this day. I later found out that the reaction was due to my AIS (Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome).
That was 15 years ago. My major problem did not cease and ended in disastor. I've since had major counseling and now my life has taken on an entire new perspective. I'm a 15 year old girl at heart. I will have vaginoplasty on July 10th 2009 and I'm looking forward to it. I'll be a 16 year old girl in a 37 year old body. Yet, I love who I am now. I love being a woman. I love being a female. Things that I wish I could experience the most is what almost every woman who can't experience what I can't is childbirth. I think I can do without the periods every month. But, I would love to carry a child for 9 month and give birth. Yet, I'm not alone in that department.
Lastly, I don't let people define who I am now. There are many who will say, I'm not a female. My chromosomes are XY, I was born with male genitalia, I probably was able to produce children at one point as a male. Yet, today, I have a female body. I lack a uterus, ovaries, you know that stuff that society says what makes a female, female. But, I also lack testicles, seminal vesicles and prostate, the same stuff that makes a male, male. No one is sure rather I never had them or they are so small because of my HRT that they can't be detected on the CAT scan. The testicles, I had removed and that would explain what happened to them. What isn't explain is why I have female secondary sexual characteristics that go so far back prior to my start of HRT.
So you see, I'm a unique woman born with a gift. For some men, I'm a dream, for others, I'm a nightmare. My brain functionality was female from birth. My genitalia was male from birth. I grew up a girl forced to be a boy based upon what was between my legs yet removed from how I functioned as a human being. My secondary sexual characteristics are female from puberty. My identity today is woman. I truly am a special kind of woman. Just perhaps, I am Eve, truly taken from mans ribs and formed into woman as companion to Adam.