Ok, so I am having some problems I want to get out in the open. When I was younger, I was VERY emotional, it took very little, and the waterworks were going. But, nowadays, I feel dead cold emotionless. I can't cry (only a few tears at most, or it takes an emotional breakdown), and I have to react how I feel would be appropriate to others when they come to me with problems. Otherwise, I can be extremely cold if I want to. But these emotions like "Oh, I'm so sorry" or "I'm so excited for you!" shouldn't be forced, they should come from the heart. I feel fake everyday for all of this, and it bothers me to no end. I also feel like I am being walked over by members of the female gender. I want to argue back, but then I am afraid of getting hit with "Oh, men!" responses. So, I don't stand up for myself, unless it is around other guys. These days, I can laugh, I've gotten good at it, and it can be sincere. But, it seems like the only emotion I can really "feel" is flat out anger/rage.
Does anybody have any advice or understanding of what I am going through at the moment?
Are you on HRT yet? How were you raised to 'think' you should handle emotions? How do you feel about 'allowing' emotions. I don't think you've given us enough raw material yet, FR.
Nichole
No, I'm not on HRT. After T levels stabilized with puberty, I became colder emotionally. I feel like I should be allowed to display emotion, but whenever I cried when I was younger, my SOs would try and calm me down instead of letting it pass. But, I still cried. I think "Men shouldn't cry." is stuck in my mind sometimes, I feel embarrassed to cry even in private, when no one is around. And in general, I just don't feel anything emotionally towards anything, except for the occasional undying need to cry, but the tears won't ever come. And, I have some bitterness towards people when things are going right for them, and I act happy, but I can really bitter. I don't know what I'm thinking at the moment, I hope this is enough to go by Nichole.
No, not enough data for anything conclusive, but it does ring a few bells. In my case, repressing feelings started some time at school, as a defence mechanism against being teased. I did that partly on purpose, partly unconsciously; but knowing it was something I did to myself was a good start in undoing it some thirty years later. I'm slowly recovering now, but pretty often it's still hard to show my feelings even to myself.
And yes, the 'you say that only because you are a man' argument hurts, sometimes very much (as in, cry in the back seat of a taxi all the way home). It helps to think a couple of possible replies in advance, such as 'how do you know I am one' or 'does that mean you are saying what you are only because you are a woman'.
Nfr
I have emotions that randomly turn on and off. I do not like the feeling of emotions so I ignore them. I never feel guilt, embarrassment, empathy, sympathy or connection with other people. Life is much calmer that way. ;)
It rings a lot of bells for me too. I think in my case I shutdown all my emotions around 12 as a
way to survive. Prior to that I would cry at anything and after some tramatic things (a bad
reaction after coming out to my mom, suicide attempt, etc) I stopped showing any kind of emotions. I did not cry,
I did not laugh, I did not get angry. I had total control of my emotions. I had to really, everyone would have seen all
the girl stuff... lol... come out. I got really bad in my twenties, my girlfriend (now wife) called me the Ice Princess for
a long time. Don't get me wrong I was sad and happy like everyone but I just could not show it. Because if I was
sad I could cry like any female and when I was happy I could giggle hysterically. But coming from a man that was not good.
And that lasted till I was around 30 and I started to be a bit more of myself. Starting HRT was magical for me. I felt for the first time... I mean deep feelings for the first time in a long time.
I actually realized yesterday that I when I get drunk I tend to be more myself, I giggle, I cry easily, I'm
much more talkative, I show the true me. I think that may be why I have always controlled my drinking...
to keep the real me hidden.
Amanda
Quote from: findingreason on May 25, 2008, 12:21:06 PM
No, I'm not on HRT. After T levels stabilized with puberty, I became colder emotionally. I feel like I should be allowed to display emotion, but whenever I cried when I was younger, my SOs would try and calm me down instead of letting it pass. But, I still cried. I think "Men shouldn't cry." is stuck in my mind sometimes, I feel embarrassed to cry even in private, when no one is around. And in general, I just don't feel anything emotionally towards anything, except for the occasional undying need to cry, but the tears won't ever come. And, I have some bitterness towards people when things are going right for them, and I act happy, but I can really bitter. I don't know what I'm thinking at the moment, I hope this is enough to go by Nichole.
Perhaps everyone is different in why they cry but I strongly believe that our conditioning as children have a lot to do with how we express our emotions. I was taught as a child that "boys do not cry" even to the point when you hurt yourself, you were still told "your're ok, be brave, big boys dont cry". And conversly I watched my female cousins, classmates and friends that were female always being told "Aw Sweetie or Honey, its ok, you go ahead and cry, everything will be alright"
The only times I ever until my transition allowed myself to express my emotions was at funerals or on occasions I would wet my eyes a little at a wedding for family members. And that was in joy for the bride for I more strongly identified as her. ::) I also seemed to develope the ability to be aloof and to hold most emotions at bay.
From what I have read it has not really been established that the HRT has anything to do with emotions. I tend to lean toward the idea that it does. As an example look at PMS or post menopausal conditions. For myself, It wasnt until my last breakdown prior to starting my transition when I finally allowed myself the luxury of just bawling my eyes out. Since then and now that I am on HRT I find myself much more emotional and express myself much easier in all emotional ranges even to the point of being downright "bitchy" at times.
I dont know if that helps but I think you may find that once you allow yourself to surrender fully to your feelings you will see a change. Thats just my opinion and I hope it helps you on your journey.
Wendy
I also repressed my feelings for years. I think this had less to do with being male, and more as a defense mechanism, a way of avoiding feeling the pain of who I was/wasn't. Even now, I feel plenty of emotion, but it isn't always easy to sort out what my feelings actually are. As a kid I cried very easily and was often teased for being a sissy, so then I'd cry even more. :'( Sometimes, when I've felt deeply emotional, I'd laugh, almost uncontrollably, instead of crying.
Good thread... although not very fun to answer. :(
Zythyra
I heard the boys don't cry thing too and I tried very hard all my life to hide my emotions but failed miserably. I was and am as open as a book. It got me into tons of trouble and I was cut up a lot emotionally because I react immediately. I have always been hyper sensitive so developing a hide just wasn't possible. I envy those who can do it. Feeling things so intensely is exhausting. After HRT, I can cry almost at will. Not too neat in social situations when I cry at emotional times. When we watch movies, I'm the lone person who is balling her eyes out and the stoic women in my house just look at me. I seem like a blubbering idiot to them. If I had a choice, I might just go for an unfeeling life!
Maggie
I find that I really have to force emotions too...it's been like that for a very long time, and it sometimes scares me to see my self being so cold.
I got to a point in my life where I could ignore everything. Physical pain took no more effort than emotions. I'm still very afraid of being hurt physically, but when it happens, I can shut it out. I guess that's convenient.
There are times when I let down my defenses. Like when I know I'm all alone. If I'm with somebody, I can't show emotions. If I think someone might see me, I can't show emotions. That's even if I'm in a field, two hundred and fifty-seven miles from civilisation, I can't. It's only when I'm alone in a room with myself and no one else in the house.
I am really afraid of embarassing myself. So I have erected barricades to keep emotions in and people out.
I don't know if it's boys-don't-cry syndrome.
I wish I could just let it all go in that open field, but there's always the fear of someone watching, and that's enough to shut it away.
~Moi
Yes, I believe you have.
A strong combination of conditioning that is hard for anyone to overcome. The sneaking feeling you are 'doing something wrong' when showing emotion and a lack of 'chemical' assistance with estrogen and testosterone suppressants.
I'd suggest that after six months of hrt you may find it easier to break through your conditioning and begin to express more freely what you feel. Just a guess though. All women are definitely not emotional or even much in-tune with their emotional abilities. You may well be one, dear.
I'd say you just need to continue to winnow yourself to discover what you are comfortable with and what you are not. If you don't fit a stereotype or a 'most of' well, I wouldn't stress much about it. IMO, it's much more important you discover that you can have a comfort with yourself -- regardless that fits my comfort with myself or not. :)
Best,
Nichole
Quote from: Nichole on May 25, 2008, 04:49:20 PM
Yes, I believe you have.
A strong combination of conditioning that is hard for anyone to overcome. The sneaking feeling you are 'doing something wrong' when showing emotion and a lack of 'chemical' assistance with estrogen and testosterone suppressants.
I'd suggest that after six months of hrt you may find it easier to break through your conditioning and begin to express more freely what you feel. Just a guess though. All women are definitely not emotional or even much in-tune with their emotional abilities. You may well be one, dear.
I'd say you just need to continue to winnow yourself to discover what you are comfortable with and what you are not. If you don't fit a stereotype or a 'most of' well, I wouldn't stress much about it. IMO, it's much more important you discover that you can have a comfort with yourself -- regardless that fits my comfort with myself or not. :)
I want to second what Nichole said. I was raised in a very emotionally distant home. I learned pretty early on to box that stuff away. And even more so after the world started going wonky on me at about 12. At various times over the years I found it incredibly frustrating, the only emotions (besides the frustration) I seemed to have were anger and once in a great while a fleeting moment of happiness. After coming out to myself there was some improvement and there was more improvement with HRT. But I also feel a good chunk of the improvement was from the continuing process of dismantling those old defenses. I'm post-op and that process is still in progress. So have patience, these things take time. ^-^
Quote from: findingreason on May 25, 2008, 12:10:05 PM
But, it seems like the only emotion I can really "feel" is flat out anger/rage.
Yes, I feel the same many times. It is like "nothing" can set me off, and anyone that knows me knows that
this is not like me. I am having to actively work at being a human being at times, and I hate it :(
I'm not on HRT but am taking some "herbs" and I suspect that these have something to do with
me being way emotional lately.
Hrt will solve that problem. Believe me.
I was the same way for years and years. Couldn't or wouldn't cry. Happiness was far and few in between forced laughs and an occasional chuckle.
Hatred and lashing out were the only two that were heart felt and common emotions I could must up. There was lots of love and I could squeeze out a tear or two in a really sad movie. I felt like I was crying on the inside, loving on the inside, and things just seemed trapped. It was like an invisible barrier under my skin that blocked anything from bleeding through.
Now on HRT, the waterworks open up and crying is no longer a problem. I laugh much easier now as well.
Quote from: findingreason on May 25, 2008, 12:10:05 PM
Does anybody have any advice or understanding of what I am going through at the moment?
I sense tremendous pain in you, that you are unwilling to allow out for fear that you cannot control it. I know the prospect is frightening, but can you begin to tell me about the hurt in you? Letting it slowly out is the only way you are going to be able to feel again. Send me a private message, and we can talk.
Lisbeth
Quote from: lisagurl on May 25, 2008, 01:12:35 PM
I have emotions that randomly turn on and off. I do not like the feeling of emotions so I ignore them. I never feel guilt, embarrassment, empathy, sympathy or connection with other people. Life is much calmer that way. ;)
but then, We Are Borg
Hi Finding,
I just thought I'd chime in and say you're not alone. I experience things quite similar to what you're describing, not exactly the same, but close enough.
My friends often think of me as cold and callous because of how indifferent and downright apathetic I can be.
I don't actually feel like that, but I find myself acting the part. So much so that the feelings and emotions don't surface and I'm often afraid that I'm incapable of having emotions at all.
I have not started HRT yet, and while many people have said that it will help. I think it's something that I need to work on myself and that HRT will only be an aide (albeit an extremely helpful one). I don't know if I can count on the miracles of HRT to do everything for me. I think it's a process in which I (and hopefully you too) will gradually accept that it's healthy to have a full range of emotions and feelings, and to accept ourselves as emotional beings.
That being said, I hope you the best, and if you ever need someone to talk to who's going through the same paces as you, just send me a PM. ^_^
-Floating
As I've gotten older, I became less emotional. Although there are a few times I've cried a river recently, such as the ending of Full Metal Alchemist or my grandfather's death. Also, when I think about my situation, I do become more agitated or angry. And sometimes, I feel like crying, but nothing comes out. I think we all have more control over our emotions as we get older. But then again, I don't really know.
I guess all I can really say is that you aren't alone.
Great topic!
As a child I was very sensitive but as I was socialised into manhood I learned to bury those emotions away, deep inside myself. It was very long term denial and I was able to do it from puberty till well into middle-life. Substance use was the way I dealt with unpleasant feelings. First with pot then alcohol. More powerful drugs came later.
AlwaysAmanda mentioned that her emotions came out under alcohol. Not for me. Drink and drugs were all about anaesthetising the pain of living, of living a lie. Eventually it all began to fall apart. The emotions were spilling over the dam and cracks began to appear in its wall. First came the anger. I managed to drive most of my friends and family away from me. Even the strongest of pain killers couldn't keep the emotional pain at bay. I'd been depressed for years already. It became deeper. I cried a lot. Finally, life became unbearable....
Somehow, I survived. Part of my healing process was learning to experience and express the full range of emotions, both good and bad. Was HRT responsible for my recovery? I think Wellbutrin and therapy had more to do with it. Coming out and transitioning completed the process.
It occurred to me while I was reading this thread that a lot of us seem to have buried emotions. Like AlwaysAmanda stated alcohol 'always let me be me', but then again only alcohol lowers ones inhabitation. I wonder burying emotions is part of being transsexual. We all have been or are afraid to allow our true selves out, so we bury all emotion until only the rage at our own fear is left. I know that, myself, I can have a violent temper with a short fuse. >:D
But now that I have begun to express my true self, I seem to be happier. Maybe not content yet, but it will come I feel when I can go full time. Which I cannot just yet. But I am shooting for 24/7-40.
:icon_love:,
Janet
Quote from: Lori on May 26, 2008, 07:44:12 AM
Hrt will solve that problem. Believe me.
I hear ya. I got
alot more emotional after recent HRT. Just thinking of old times makes me teary eyed nowadays. I cry for dumb things. I didn't even cry when my dogs died a few years back, which itself, kind of hurts. :-\
You know? I've read through all of these posts that say HRT is the answer for not being able to express or feel emotions, and that causes me some concern. Yes, estrogen tends to produce swings of emotion; it can deepen depression, and has been blamed for so-called "hysterical"* behavior. But I have to wonder. In a person who is trying to supress their emotions for whatever reason, estrogen may make it harder to do that. They may then let go in an uncontrolled fashion at unpredictable moments. Will this make the person feel any better about themselves? And for a person who has sublimated sadness into "flat out anger/rage," is it likely to be released in a helpful way? So, I worry when people say, "Hrt will solve that problem." Personally, findingreason (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?action=profile;u=5820), I think therapy to uncover all the reasons you are supressing your emotions and to help find positive outlets for them would be more appropriate than just assuming the problem will fix itself.
Lisbeth
* "Hysteria" (from Greek hystere: uterus) was once thought to be caused by the uterus getting out of control and taking over the body.
Liz's postings here are very perceptive and true, at least imho.
HRT is never an entire and complete answer. Self-discovery and working with one's own blockages is a much more healthful and successful fashion of dealing with it.
The HRT may be, like an anti-depressant, one tool in the toolbox toward finding one's self and expressing one's self. But, it is no panacea. In this regard I think our social and cultural, our personal, conditioning is a much greater and more stubborn factor to work through.
I would wish that all of my crap had been 'taken care of' by estrogen. But it wasn't and cannot be the answer. Anymore than testosterone is the answer for the 'denial' of emotional response and feelings. All of this comes from elsewhere, not from hormones.
Men are just as capable of expressing emotion and feeling in healthy and non-threatening ways as are women. The social imperative is that they don't. The real work is gonna be through breaking down those barriers to one's emotional expression as a number of us have said.
Nichole
I wonder how much of your emotional response is tied to denial. I know that once I started to accept
my life it was easier for me to let those female type emotions out.
And it's not a conscious thought... "I need to suppress these emotions". I guess it may have been
when I was 12. But later it becomes instinct. It's a survival thing... a way to survive as a male... you just
cannot go though life as a male with female emotions so you learn at a very young age to hide, suppress and
deny those emotions. Pretty soon it becomes part of your personality.
Regarding HRT... my thinking has changed a few times about this. At first I thought that HRT
was really affecting a lot of things. But lately I think maybe we tie too much of the emotional changes
of transition to HRT. I think that maybe I'm just more comfortable with myself as a female since I started
HRT. Not becuase of the HRT but becuase I've made the choice to move forward. Some of it is real but
the whole process of transition is so life changing... and for me I feel so good. I can't help but be
happy. Is it HRT or just the fact I'm moving forward? I guess I don't have that answer.
Amanda
Not showing emotions is not always a male / female thing (my brother and sister never showed emotions either). In my case it was a combination of things; chemical reactions always sent me into a very deep depression if I allowed myself to feel an emotion; family situation taught me it was dangerous to express any emotion; and deep emotional scars kept me from expressing emotions.
Taking HRT or transitioning could not change any of those issues, however, I do find my self feeling emotions much more than I used to (they are just not always shown outwardly). The one emotion I can not hide anymore is tears, I cry when I never did before.
Sarah L.
Oh wow, I knew there would be some replies, but not this many.
Thank you soooo much!
I've been thinking, and wandering this thread without logging in as I didn't have time to post (and risk of SO seeing me and not being able to get off fast enough). I don't really know, I can express emotion fine as far as it goes, but not ever in the way 'I' want to. I've opened up emotionally in the past several months, rather slowly. I know I was teased when I was a pre-teen/early teen, though I don't believe that had anything to do with gender (the kids were just freaking a**holes).
I've been gloomy the past few days as well, trying to subdue any happier moments I may have. Add a giant tsunami of doubt being produced by thoughts of "I am happy as a male", and low levels of energy, I am swamped completely. I noticed something though. It was around the same time last month I was nailed with a similar wave, but it subsided, quite slowly though.
Lately, I have also been wondering again if I am male, just misleading myself. But then as I stated in my first thread, I had conflicting feelings in my pre-teens/when puberty started.
I know I need to see a therapist, but my earliest time is this fall, so I got to live it out until then. I also know I am depressed (I don't know if I realize the full extent of it either), and I shouldn't decide anything at this time, or make anything of it, as I know depression distorts perspective. I just want to be happy, but I keep myself from being happy, as I don't know who I am yet.
I still am cloudy in my thoughts right now, so please bear with me, I am rather tired of it all lately.
If you had cancer, would you wait until fall to seek treatment?
I wouldn't wait with cancer, but I have reasons why I can't. Primarily, I NEED to be moved out from my SOs, as my mother is closed minded, doesn't believe in TSism, and will likely kick me out, and I'd be done for if that happened right now. I'm not suicidal either, so I can live out a few months. Sometimes waiting is wiser, and in my current situation, I'd definitely be wise to wait a little longer, cause if I don't wait, it could be very bad for me (living on the streets, for instance). So, I am waiting for my own sake right now. As soon as I started facing this a few months ago, I made a plan and I am sticking to it, even though I am going through some ups and downs lately. But, I know each up and down will pass with time.
Quote from: findingreason on May 27, 2008, 09:17:19 PM
I wouldn't wait with cancer, but I have reasons why I can't. Primarily, I NEED to be moved out from my SOs, as my mother is closed minded, doesn't believe in TSism, and will likely kick me out, and I'd be done for if that happened right now. I'm not suicidal either, so I can live out a few months. Sometimes waiting is wiser, and in my current situation, I'd definitely be wise to wait a little longer, cause if I don't wait, it could be very bad for me (living on the streets, for instance). So, I am waiting for my own sake right now. As soon as I started facing this a few months ago, I made a plan and I am sticking to it, even though I am going through some ups and downs lately. But, I know each up and down will pass with time.
I should have been more clear. I meant the depression. You can probably find relief from that without disclosing gender stuff to anyone other than your therapist. Depression can be deadly and its progress is so insidious. Take care of yourself.
Quote from: findingreason on May 27, 2008, 08:41:53 PM
I still am cloudy in my thoughts right now, so please bear with me, I am rather tired of it all lately.
It takes time to work through these things. But those words, "I am rather tired of it all lately," I know them well. They are your depression speaking.
I already have a "support network" of SOs I talk to and that helps a lot to get through the depression. I just haven't spoken to anyone for a while, hence why I've been gloomy on here. I'm also saving up for therapy right now, too. I also have a number of self-help books, so I am working on it. Also, if I went into therapy right now, my mother would really like to know "why". She's difficult, very difficult.
I think it is actually testosterone that makes it difficult to express emotions. I always felt like a robot growing up, but since I've been on HRT, showing emotions is much easier. I've heard the reverse for FTMs that went onto HRT--they wanted to display emotion, but had difficulty doing it. I think you have emotions just from being human, but the chemicals are what affect your ability to express them.
Quote from: findingreason on May 28, 2008, 10:56:48 AM
I already have a "support network" of SOs I talk to and that helps a lot to get through the depression. I just haven't spoken to anyone for a while, hence why I've been gloomy on here. I'm also saving up for therapy right now, too. I also have a number of self-help books, so I am working on it. Also, if I went into therapy right now, my mother would really like to know "why". She's difficult, very difficult.
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Quote from: Melissa on May 28, 2008, 02:05:52 PM
I think it is actually testosterone that makes it difficult to express emotions. I always felt like a robot growing up, but since I've been on HRT, showing emotions is much easier. I've heard the reverse for FTMs that went onto HRT--they wanted to display emotion, but had difficulty doing it. I think you have emotions just from being human, but the chemicals are what affect your ability to express them.
I recall that some FTM's report that they are much less emotional and do find it hard to express emotions on HRT. This supports the suppression of emotions by T.
Maggie
8 years ago I was depressed to the point of suicide. My shrink was treating me for bipolar, had been for the past twenty years. Finally I figured it out for myself and I got my shrink to send me for diagnosis by those who specialised in trans and GID.
I was diagnosed as such and didn't waste time starting to transition and went full time right then. I will not go into great detail about the bipolar part except that in the past 8 years it has subsided considerably and was able to even taper off my meds.
I repressed much of my emotions as a guy but that don't mean I didn't feel stuff, I just kept it to myself. Actually I was a very sensitive individual since I as far back as I can remember, as a little kid. What the estrogen done for me is to make it just so much easier to feel stuff and share it with other people, *well mostly with other women.* I became more in touch with my feelings. Although my emotions can be all over the map I am pretty good at keeping them in check. I am still in control of my emotions, until such a time as I am able get to where it is safe where it is OK to share them , like with my mate.
I believe that having the opportunity to share my emotions with another has done more for me then a team of shrinks
Cindy
Quote from: Sarah Louise on May 27, 2008, 09:59:38 AM
Not showing emotions is not always a male / female thing (my brother and sister never showed emotions either). In my case it was a combination of things; chemical reactions always sent me into a very deep depression if I allowed myself to feel an emotion; family situation taught me it was dangerous to express any emotion; and deep emotional scars kept me from expressing emotions.
Taking HRT or transitioning could not change any of those issues, however, I do find my self feeling emotions much more than I used to (they are just not always shown outwardly). The one emotion I can not hide anymore is tears, I cry when I never did before.
Sarah L.
too true. I've got female family members that never cry while they're brothers do. I think it's both a chemical and learned thing. I hope not too chemical cause I don't want to end up unable to express myself on T.
Claire de Lune: I scored a 12 (moderate).
Quote from: cindybc on May 28, 2008, 05:36:11 PM
I repressed much of my emotions as a guy but that don't mean I didn't feel stuff, I just kept it to myself. Actually I was a very sensitive individual since I as far back as I can remember, as a little kid.
I do have a lot of emotions myself, just all bottled up. Lately, all I get instead is just anger, cruel sadistic thoughts, and lots of other unwanted BS going through my head. I hate myself for all of the crap that I think, as I don't think any of it is really "me". I know none of it is me, even though it has "my" voice saying it.
I came here to these forums to try and get through some of my problems until I can see a therapist. Lately I think I may be even androgyne, but I can't say anything for sure about myself until I get my head on straight again.
If you're an androgyne, then welcome to our balanced world. At first I thought I was an M2F, but now, I know better. I am definitely a balanced or neutral person, but with some feminine aspirations. Essentially, I'd love to have a more feminine face. I'd love to be pretty. Okay, I've spoken too much.
Quote from: polymorphic on May 29, 2008, 06:05:10 PM
If you're an androgyne, then welcome to our balanced world. At first I thought I was an M2F, but now, I know better. I am definitely a balanced or neutral person, but with some feminine aspirations. Essentially, I'd love to have a more feminine face. I'd love to be pretty. Okay, I've spoken too much.
Not really sure yet, cause I know I don't think I like living in my current gender all that much. I just live, and whenever I have a dream of being a girl, well, I wish it would continue, but I HAVE to wake up at some point.
Interesting, the lack of emotions is one thing that kept me from progressing into HRT when HRT seems to have been exactly what I needed to solve the problem. I cry often, but only at the end of games or shows since it feels like a group of friends of mine just died.
But then I was never told that boys don't cry, as my father was never one for giving advice or anything like that. Instead, if I feel hurt, I tell myself that girls DO cry, and that it is okay to cry if I am a girl inside.
On the other hand, apathy has been my greatest issue throughout life, especially while repressing my feminine feelings. Taking on life and emotions felt pointless when I was unable to even cope with my own body and mind. Now that I'm being honest with myself, I find myself in contact with a new emotion called "hope." It feels strange after only being able to feel anger and depression for 3 years.