i was looking at some old photo albums yesterday & it makes me sad to think that i put myself through all that anguish and despair literally for nothing. i don't even know why i couldn't see who i really was back then....i suppose my reflection was only real to me if it came from someone else's eyes. <sniffles>
Aw, sweetie. Don't cry. *sad*
There is so much we cannot see until our eyes, little by little, open. You see now from a place you were unable to see from then. Like the view west from Pike's Peak and the view west from the base of Pike's Peak.
You had to get up the mountain before you saw the vista.
Hugs,
Nichole
I'm weirded out.
I had long, golden hair and I always had some stuffed animal in my hand.
And yet I'd play with this stuffed animal in the dirt with the boys and their trucks.
It's confusing for me to look at the past.
Quotei was looking at some old photo albums yesterday & it makes me sad to think that i put myself through all that anguish and despair literally for nothing. i don't even know why i couldn't see who i really was back then....i suppose my reflection was only real to me if it came from someone else's eyes.
I get really sad when I look at pictures from my teens and twenties... becuase I see someone that could have
easily passed without even trying. Hormones would have been overkill ... lol... I was very feminine looking.
Before anyone thinks that I'm bragging please think back to my current pictures and the
results of T for all those years. It's not a
pretty sight at all. But back then my nose was reasonable...
I always got complements on my thick hair and perfect complection from girls. I remember the day I realized I did not look
like a lot of boys... it was in English class the first few days of the new year... I was 15 and this older girl sat just in front of me,
she always asked for help on things and we would always talk. She was very pretty and I was really shy so she did most of the
talking. But she said to me one day that she would love to be me, that I had beautiful skin and was very pretty. She did not
say cute or handsome... she said pretty. It makes me really sad... I can still hear her say it. At 15 when your trying your hardest
to fit in as a boy that is the worst thing you'd ever want to hear. But that comment stuck with me and I did realize after that I did
not look like all the other boys.
But I could not see it fully, just that I was different. At times my hair was to my shoulders and I had NO facial hair even in my
mid twenties. And I remember vividly the times I would look into mirror and close my eyes and see a girl and I'd open them and
see this masculine thing... I'd do it over and over. I did not know what that meant, what it was or what I was feeling I just
knew that things did not match up. And I did not see how feminine and yes even pretty I was at the time... but now I look at
the pictures and think that I really really wasted my life. And all of you have seen what years of T has done... and that just
reinforces those feelings.
I'll pass the Kleenex Natasha :)
Amanda
I disliked photos, my parents did not have a camera, I am listed as camera shy in the year book. The only pictures I have are after transition.
There is a passport and driver ID but they are from years ago.
Up on the white veranda
She wears a necktie and a Panama hat
Her passport shows another face
From another time and place
She looks nothing like that
And all the remnants of her recent past
Are scattered in the wild wind (dylan)
Something like that I guess.
I don't look at old pictures much. Most I have since I was married do not have me in them, I was taking the picture.
The last old pictures I did look at were at my mothers funeral, all I saw was a person who never smiled.
Sarah L.
Quote from: AlwaysAmanda on May 30, 2008, 03:56:57 PM
Quotei was looking at some old photo albums yesterday & it makes me sad to think that i put myself through all that anguish and despair literally for nothing. i don't even know why i couldn't see who i really was back then....i suppose my reflection was only real to me if it came from someone else's eyes.
I get really sad when I look at pictures from my teens and twenties... becuase I see someone that could have
easily passed without even trying. Hormones would have been overkill ... lol... I was very feminine looking.
Before anyone thinks that I'm bragging please think back to my current pictures and the
results of T for all those years. It's not a pretty sight at all. But back then my nose was reasonable...
I always got complements on my thick hair and perfect complection from girls. I remember the day I realized I did not look
like a lot of boys... it was in English class the first few days of the new year... I was 15 and this older girl sat just in front of me,
she always asked for help on things and we would always talk. She was very pretty and I was really shy so she did most of the
talking. But she said to me one day that she would love to be me, that I had beautiful skin and was very pretty. She did not
say cute or handsome... she said pretty. It makes me really sad... I can still hear her say it. At 15 when your trying your hardest
to fit in as a boy that is the worst thing you'd ever want to hear. But that comment stuck with me and I did realize after that I did
not look like all the other boys.
But I could not see it fully, just that I was different. At times my hair was to my shoulders and I had NO facial hair even in my
mid twenties. And I remember vividly the times I would look into mirror and close my eyes and see a girl and I'd open them and
see this masculine thing... I'd do it over and over. I did not know what that meant, what it was or what I was feeling I just
knew that things did not match up. And I did not see how feminine and yes even pretty I was at the time... but now I look at
the pictures and think that I really really wasted my life. And all of you have seen what years of T has done... and that just
reinforces those feelings.
I'll pass the Kleenex Natasha :)
Amanda
Geez I could have written that same thing. I have almost no pictures but I remember being 21 and not having to shave, being 137 lbs, and not looking anything like a boy. I feel so stupid at times. Always told how pretty my eyes and hair were, how thin I was, how girlfriends would have me model clothes for them so they could take them in or whatever...I just wanted to fit in. If I knew then what I know now.
:icon_cry2:
Quote from: Nichole on May 30, 2008, 02:32:28 PM
Aw, sweetie. Don't cry. *sad*
There is so much we cannot see until our eyes, little by little, open. You see now from a place you were unable to see from then. Like the view west from Pike's Peak and the view west from the base of Pike's Peak.
You had to get up the mountain before you saw the vista.
Hugs,
Nichole
'course most people just take the train or drive up ... but the view's better if you climb. ;D
(sorry, I couldn't resist)
~Alyssa
My family was not into taking many pictures and unfortunately I carried out the tradition also.. :( even though I always tried to take as many pictures of my daughter (I love her so) other then that I dont have many pictures at all, but my thoughts are more of sorrow and failures when I do see my old photos. :(
Most of the time when I see pictures of my past life, I grieve for betraying the child and teen. I want to caress the little girl, nurture the teenager and reassure her that everything is going to turn out alright despite the agony she reflects in her eyes. :icon_sadblinky:
tink :icon_chick:
That was beautiful, Tink.
I don't have many pics around of 'before.' Mostly tossed them years ago. Always hated pics of me except when I was very young or a few with the kids.
But, yes, I see the possibility and want to somehow tell the child, the girl, the young woman that they are free.
Only, I think they know that without me telling them.
Nichole
Quote from: Tink on May 30, 2008, 08:41:01 PM
Most of the time when I see pictures of my past life, I grieve for betraying the child and teen. I want to caress the little girl, nurture the teenager and reassure her that everything is going to turn out alright despite the agony she reflects in her eyes. :icon_sadblinky:
tink :icon_chick:
<sniffles> :(
I don't even associate my old photos with me.
It's an old friend who's gone away.
I actually really like looking at old pictures - when I was young and innocent and nothing really mattered. Moving on to my early teens I feel sorry for that kid - out of place, uncomprehending. I don't know if he suffered like others have described but he was not happy. It was not a happy time. The all boys school was evil, life at home was almost unbearable with a manic depressive father.
I look back and see him as a boy. Is that weird? I see him as the one that carried me as we grew up, the one who had to muddle it all out and do his best to be a boy. I don't really see me at all, I emerged later and perhaps am still emerging. He was a good kid, full of fantasy and escape, yet awkward (as kids often are), lost and out of place. We were hairy and strong but small and skinny. All I remember is feeling like I did not understand how everyone knew how to behave and being driven by this unquenchable lust.
Whenever I look at my old pictures ,the one thing that strikes me is, that I look so sad in every one of them. The only time I have looked happy is when I was going thru a period when I let my feminine side come thru. And then the male side was buried.
Love,
Janet
Natasha,
It depends on the time period of the photo. When I see:
Baby pics I think "Whoa, you are seriously in for a tough road."
Like 5 - 12 I think "It'll get better and seriously, there are people like you out there, you aren't alone, promise!"
13 - 18 I think "Don't take any drastic steps, it will get better. Don't hide your feelings too much either"
19 - 28 I think "Nice try chief. You did what you could do to feel at home in your skin, it didn't work. Move on"
29 - 35 I think "Hmm, what are you going to do now. You look the part but you look & feel misreable and you know it!"
Then from like 36 on I just think "change is coming very soon. Do what you have to do to get by"
I can tell you this, for me, it is what it is (sometimes I hate that saying). I can't change it and I try really hard not to focus too much on things I can't change :) Meghan
I was cute.
It's interesting to see pictures of myself even as recently as a year ago, before I finally stopped living in denial and came to terms with who I am. As I do so, I see myself in those pictures, the female me... where I didn't before. Perhaps moreso than when I look in the mirror now, since back then I had really long, lovely hair, and no clue why other than because I thought I just couldn't be bothered to get it cut.
Although I did. *sigh* That's one regret I have; three years of growing it completely wasted by an irrational act.
Surprisingly, though, I don't hate them like I thought I would. Even though I have the photogenic capacity of Quazimodo's acne-infested sister, I look into my eyes and I see... something, something I never saw before. A spark of self-knowledge that couldn't be hidden or repressed.
That actually makes me happy.
My normal reaction is first ....
DESTROY IT, NOW... WHERE ARE THE NEGATIVES... THE ORIGINALS...
Then when actual looking instead of panicking I kind of stare at them blankly... "Was this really me? I really don't see how... my gods... I really used to look like that... I was so..... unhappy.... wow.... okay, I'm going to go burn these now."
I do keep a 2 copies of old pictures... One is on my bands website, which really pisses me off... the other was off my old ID.... I use them to shock people and prove what can be done physically in transition.
I think: Wow I am so glad Ive changed so much and gone through bad stages of my life and severe self conscious issues when I was younger. I am happy at the personal growth Ive made over the years. And fudge! I wish all the people that made fun of me a long time ago could see me now! ~laugh~
When I look at my pictures from my early teens, I just get so angry at the world, at my family, and at myself. If I'd even though I could do something about GID back then, I might have had a chance at an actual childhood!
I wouldn't be trying to put myself back together after having the inmates/primates in America's public school system do their best to break me apart. I wouldn't want to cry (but be unable to) every time I think about how I look like a bloated balding acne-scarred middle aged troll -- when I'm only 24. Oh, woe is me, etc, etc.
On the bright side, I have looked at photos from several months back, before my "epiphany" and efforts to get myself in shape. It's like looking at a completely different person. Although I still look trollish, I might pass as a quasi-androgynous Generation Y troll with a couple more months of effort.
what i've read so far, i would be just repeating, but isn't that really the truth for us all?
When I look @ old pic's of me you better believe the depression rushes in, especially when I see, and quite stupidly, compare how I looked then to the young TG grrls here that have posted pic's of themselves.
God HRT would've been great back then!!! Plus, I was so THIN and I had REALLY, REALLY, REEEEEAAAALLY NICE, FULL, LONG ASS (down to my ass to be exact) HAIR :'(
Now I'm trying to get my real hair back and trying to fill in the top better :-\ And even though, thanks mostly to diabetes, I have lost over 240 lbs, I still have another ???...well...that's classified :-X
I make the mistake @ looking through womens clothing catalogs and BOOM, depressed, crabby and wanting to die, especially after flipping through a Victoria Secret catalog...I KNOW, STUPID!!!!
I will be starting HRT @ the end of July, I have my letter and the appointment is set...GOD MAKE IT HAPPEN ALREADY!!!!
Sad, that when I was that young I didn't think I was pretty enough or good enough and I let people walk all over me. I wish I hadn't wasted all those years on something that nobody could comprehend.
Who's that? What sad, misplaced eyes.
When I look at photos of Danielle and myself, I see us together and smiling. But part of me wonders if we were really that happy. Dani will tell you she really wasn't. I honestly can't tell you if I was either. By that point, she was becoming withdrawn and I was trying to do what I could to break her out of that shell. :/
I think the only pictures Dani and I have where she is actually *happy* are our wedding pictures.
WR
I think, "Wow... he's fat!"
Just plain disgusting. Hell, that is how I feel at the moment.
Ah, I take it all lightly. The old photos are kind of amusing. I don't torture myself with "could have, should have".
One of my favorites photos of me is three months before full-time. The photo is definitely male, but a really happy male looking forward to the future and great things.
I was looking through pictures at my sisters house, and was like; whos that when I saw my pic. LOL thats when I realized that it was me.
Audrey
My first thought is 'Nooooo!!! My eyes!! Burn them!!!'
Like i have done with a few lol, but. Alas, Mum still wants to remember her daughter.
So i leave them be, but when i look.
I laugh now, cause i cant see myself being that person any more.
Just looked at some old photos today... I never knew I used to be a fat, creepy old man. :P
Seriously, you'd have to see the pics to believe it. I look about 40 years older than my biological age in most of them, especially the profile shots. When I was in high school, people who didn't know me assumed I was a parent. A parent of a high school student.
It's nothing so horrible as one of those aging disorders - just a horribly sloping forehead, jutting chin, heavy jowls, turkey neck, grey hair, receding hairline, balding crown, wrinkled forehead, acne scarring, massive jaw, hooked nose, etc etc ad nauseam. It's like I put testosterone in my coffee.
Hi Nephie, I would say that your post is pretty well on the money in describing myself in a nutshell.
QuoteWhen I look at my pictures from my early teens, I just get so angry at the world, at my family, and at myself. If I'd even though I could do something about GID back then, I might have had a chance at an actual childhood!
I wouldn't be trying to put myself back together after having the inmates/primates in America's public school system do their best to break me apart. I wouldn't want to cry (but be unable to) every time I think about how I look like a bloated balding acne-scarred middle aged troll -- when I'm only 24. Oh, woe is me, etc, etc.
On the bright side, I have looked at photos from several months back, before my "epiphany" and efforts to get myself in shape. It's like looking at a completely different person. Although I still look trollish, I might pass as a quasi-androgynous Generation Y troll with a couple more months of effort
Cindy
Posted on: September 16, 2008, 06:33:44 AM
Continued, for some reason I had to split my message in half because it kept coming back saying message body is empty.
But now I look like a much younger looking troll then I did ten years ago. As for old photos I believe they kind of got left behind somewhere during all my moving about through the years.
The oldest photo's that I have saved are in my hard drive and only go as far back to ten years ago when I was just starting out full time. Well I realy don't need to be reminded as to what I looked like in the other gender. I don't remember what I looked like and I am quite happy to leave if like that.
But I do remember the experiences of my childhood and teen years quite well, they were good years even if I was mostly a loner through those years. if I see myself back then in the present gender I am today I could say I was a fairly happy kid living with middle class loving parents. The only other memory I would sooner not think of was that stupid public school which I thought of more as the dungeon.
Cindy
For me, I wonder how my Mom and step Dad were so oblivious. Looking at my younger pictures, you could tell something wasn't right. I clearly did not develope correctly.
It's soooo trippy and neat to see responses to these old questions and read something I wrote almost 7 years ago. Crazy! Lol
I want to chuck biscuits all over the guy on the left.
Quote from: Jill F on January 11, 2015, 01:14:24 AM
I want to chuck biscuits all over the guy on the left.
Not surprised, if I saw him following me home I would run :laugh:
I did have a really fun afternoon with a friend who had a very masculine hard looking face, she is a very beautiful woman after her FFS, we went through old photos of each other and just rolled around laughing.
I'm kind of neutral to old pics of guy me. I can tell that despite the fact I'm smiling in many of them there is real sadness behind my eyes. There's a lovely pic of me with my grandmother taken eleven years ago at my brother's wedding which I still have on my bookshelf so I definitely don't mind that reminder of who I was. It's all part of the journey.
Good point Grace, what I see in my old pics are the dead eyes. So much sorrow in them, and now they sparkle.
I just recently re-watched the video of myself that I made on the day that I started HRT, from exactly 2 years ago.
It's scary. I don't recognize that person anymore. And I can't even remember being that person.
It's downright shocking to me, but I don't feel any more of an emotional connection to pictures and videos of my pre-transition adult self than I feel to any other random guy that I know. He's more like a friend that I knew a long time ago than a person that I can consciously remember looking in the mirror and associating that person as being "me."
The odd thing is, I still do have an emotional connection with my pictures from childhood. That person still feels like "me." And then around age 14, I start recognizing myself less and less. The person I know is slowly replaced by that adult guy that I don't recognize and don't remember being.
I'm completely not joking when I say that, looking at old pictures, that person is not me. Seriously. I can't even fathom what it must be like to be that big, to have those big fatty arms, that thick neck, those bulky male facial features, that thick blocky build, all of that freaking gross body hair, that deep booming voice. I seriously can't remember any of it... the only body I can consciously remember having is my current female body.
So I guess my thoughts as I look at old photos is basically "Seriously? THAT was me? :o "
Some shots of me are quite nice, especially younger shots where I'm more androgynous in appearance OR some band photography where I'm wearing make up and working w/ a pro photographer who helped me curb my natural awkwardness in front of the camera....
Most however, particularly those that feature ANY traces of facial hair (the low point, I even had a goatee - don't ask, long story, but I can assure you those were DARK days) I want to cleanse from the earth forever.... And maybe get one of those cool brain wiping things from the Men in Black movies to ensure that no-one remembers that it happened!
I'm still not really all that happy w/ how I look yet, but I'm definitely trending in the right direction! :)
I don't have any any old pictures of me right now; they are all being held hostage by my ex wife. If she doesn't produce them soon I'll have to remind her of the conditions that she and her lawyer set forth in our divorce agreement to give any and all stuff back to me that is mine ::)
There aren't that many pictures of me anyway, especially during the early years. My family wasn't a picture taking kind of family.
Of the few pictures I do know of I remember a long haired, sad, physically small and very femme looking boy that really did not fit into her world very well. I of course didn't figure out that I was actually a "her" until much, much later.
School pictures show a progression from a happy 4th grader to a sullen high school kid. Other than the official photo there are 3 random pictures of me in my high school annual, and all of them are depressing; I am in the background of all of them, sitting alone in the gym during various assemblies. I was clearly an outcast. The pictures themselves were of the popular kids and they happened to get me in the background of them.
If I had known who I was back then it would have been the perfect time to transition - I was built like an average woman in weight and height (110lbs, 5'7") and I had an extremely femme facial features until I was about 25. I had to endure years of people telling me I had a "baby face" which I now realize meant that people were seeing the soft features of a female face.
So to answer the question from the OP - seeing old pictures of me makes me mostly just sad for the missed opportunity, and sad and angry for the years of pain and alcohol abuse that I had to endure on my journey to authenticity.
It was 45 years wasted.
I've seen some pics where I can certainly see that girl within. Then I start thinking about how I wanted to grow out my hair. My parents said 'no' because they thought that I wanted to have long hair because I was listening to speed metal bands. :D :D Swing and a miss! I hate seeing home videos of myself, though. That sucks the most. When I hear myself speaking on those things, I just shake my head and roll my eyes. My voice is so damn fake since I forced myself to speak in a lower register so I would sound more like a "guy". Ugh.......
Quote from: Laura Squirrel on January 11, 2015, 01:03:36 PM
I've seen some pics where I can certainly see that girl within. Then I start thinking about how I wanted to grow out my hair. My parents said 'no' because they thought that I wanted to have long hair because I was listening to speed metal bands. :D :D
The funny thing is that that is EXACTLY why they let me do it! lol My mother is extremely liberal, so it didn't concern her either way, but I think that my father was relieved to see his delicate, little buttercup of a son show interest in something manly, even if he couldn't quite understand the appeal! lol
Quote from: Ally_B on January 11, 2015, 03:20:39 AM
Most however, particularly those that feature ANY traces of facial hair (the low point, I even had a goatee - don't ask, long story, but I can assure you those were DARK days)...
Ha! You just reminded me of a pic from some many years ago of me with goatee. Hahaha, OMG, no, just no.
Quote from: Ally_B on January 11, 2015, 01:34:59 PM
The funny thing is that that is EXACTLY why they let me do it! lol My mother is extremely liberal, so it didn't concern her either way, but I think that my father was relieved to see his delicate, little buttercup of a son show interest in something manly, even if he couldn't quite understand the appeal! lol
My parents weren't conservative, but they weren't exactly liberal. It was weird. They would tell me to "be myself". But every avenue of self expression I went down, they griped about it. It was such a headache. I remember my mom and I getting into all kinds of stupid arguments because she hated all of the metal bands that I was listening to. Then, she would pull out this old chestnut: "You've become such an angry person since you started listening to this stuff." No. I became angry because: 1. I was going through a puberty that I didn't want. 2. I hated myself for being in this body and 3. I was sick of constantly being called a "->-bleeped-<-", ridiculed and beaten up by my peers because they all thought that I was gay.
The only thing that made me happy was the fact that I could go home and be alone with my music. No. I don't want you to ask me how my day went. It was hell just like every other weekday. Then, I had to put up with my stupid drunk of a father that would gripe about the music. (But only when he was drunk. When he was sober, he didn't care.)
Music was pretty much the only thing that kept me sane. That was until I reached the age of 15 and the suicidal thoughts came back again, (age 10 was the first time) But, then at 15, I started to get into drugs to help chase off the suicidal thoughts.
Ya know...thinking about all that now. It reminds me of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ky20ckAHi_E
There's a few lines in this that I remember from when I was 11 and listening to this for the first time and it actually made me think about things differently. (albeit briefly since the GID was wreaking havoc on my mind)
Quote from: Laura Squirrel on January 11, 2015, 04:17:29 PM
No. I became angry because: 1. I was going through a puberty that I didn't want. 2. I hated myself for being in this body and 3. I was sick of constantly being called a "->-bleeped-<-", ridiculed and beaten up by my peers because they all thought that I was gay.
The only thing that made me happy was the fact that I could go home and be alone with my music. No. I don't want you ask me how my day went. It was hell just like every other weekday. Then, I had to put up with my stupid drunk of a father that would gripe about the music. (But only when he was drunk. When he was sober, he didn't care.)
Music was pretty much the only thing that kept me sane. That was until I reached the age of 15 and the suicidal thoughts came back again, (age 10 was the first time) But, then at 15, I started to get into drugs to help chase off the suicidal thoughts.
Damn, this is all too familiar.....
Like, I'm sure, most of us here, puberty and watching yr body turn into something that you never wanted to be and never identified with was a horribly traumatic experience. Most of my friends were so excited when they started to sprout facial hair..... I didn't realise it at the time but I suffered from a dysphoric attack and grabbed my Dad's razors and tried to get rid of it as soon as it started becoming evident. Cut myself up as I didn't really know what the heck I was doing!
I was fortunate enough to avoid beatings for the most part, but that had more to do w/ the fact that I was a decently fast sprinter (thanks Dad) and I learned early that they get worried
about getting too close to you if you act completely crazy. They would still pick on me mercilessly, but a few fairly over the top displays at least made them think twice about touching me! lol
And yeah, I too spent most of high school as a self-loathing shut in, so most of those bands that I mentioned listening to in the other thread had a lot to do w/ helping me survive that period.
My father wouldn't gripe about the music so much because he wasn't around too much, but when he was he seemed to think that bullying me was a great idea and might "toughen me up".... Well, it actually caused our relationship to degenerate into a latent hostility that threatened to boil over whenever we were together.
I feel fortunate that we were able to build somewhat of a positive relationship as adults before he died last year. He was the kind of guy who didn't apologise to anyone for anything, but I could tell he was sorry for being such an ass to me while I was growing up.
My first suicidal thoughts came when I was 8, shortly after I had that first moment of "ummm.... Y'know, I was born in the wrong body"..... I won't go into it on this thread as I'm already way off topic, but uhhh.... Yeah..... Good times!
-------------------------
But back on topic, I must echo the observations people have made about seeing the sadness in themselves in old photos. My eyes almost never smile in those old photos. I never wanted to be photographed because I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want to be that "thing" I saw in those photos or in the mirror.
It contrasts so starkly with recent photos of me. I've been so much happier since accepting myself for who I am and doing something about it. My eyes are the dead giveaway. My smiles are genuine these days! :D
I actually don't mind looking at my old photos (the ones I can find). Pre teen its like looking at a time capsule and trying to work out where I was when the photo was taken. As a teen I was able to grow my hair out and it would curl at the end, so apart from the full frontal where I'm directly in front I did look andro in most of them and they won't too painful to look at. However most of them hold good memories even if I don't like how I look in them it is always nice to go back down memory lane occasionally
great topic! I am also one of those that is not really troubled by my past and it is long enough that it is inescapable anyway. I made peace with that and feel I am successfully incorporating my past life into my current reality. It is one reason I kept my old first name as my middle name. Pictures can be triggering but I did my best to cope with what I thought then was unchangeable. I had what I now understand was dysphoria. I had a lot of fun too and being trans did not dominate my thinking and my life as much as it does now:-)
Pictures can remind me of how hard I tried to be a man and how often I felt like an alienated failure. I got to where I finally didn't really care about my looks at all- - not healthy stuff. Pictures are worth a thousand words and although some are downright embarrassing I won't trash any of them. They are likely more accurate than my memory :D
When I look at my old photos I see all the sadness and my strength as well as silence as I'm rarely seen in photos and am usually alone. The photos do remind me that I will always be able to slip away unnoticed if i need to and that I have a strong grasp on my emotions and spirit and can shield it very easily to continue growing and discovering myself.
When I look at photos of me prior to transition, first I laugh, then I gag.
Like a friend of mine said when I first came out in 2007:
You make a better looking woman than u do a man.
I've gotten rid of just about every photo of me...even baby pictures.
When I graduated highschool and entered uni, I burned all pictures from childhood and school years - I remember thinking that next stage of life is starting and there is no need to look back (now I know why I did so and it feels so strange knowing that many others did the same thing - it's the excuses which were different. I also know now why I always hated when people tried to take pictures of me).
When looking at recent pictures, the feeling is strange, because I know that this person is me, yet, we are very different. A part of him, including memories, will always live inside of me, but I cannot really remember or act the way it used be.
I also had very weird experience, when I met an old acquaintance a year ago and we ended with drinking coffee at his place and looking at very old pictures of our common activities (we were in the same Medieval reenactment group) - at one point I asked him, who is that guy next to You, standing sideways with vaguely familiar helmet. He glanced at me with a strange expression and replied: " Ummm... it's You...". Awkward silence :D.
Even though I haven't started hrt yet I have reached the point where seeing my current selfies feels good, I'm starting to recognize the person in them, and to like that person. That in a nutshell is how I feel about my old photos. I would see me and think "is that what I look like?" I never looked at myself much, it was too painful. If I saw a camera pointed at me, I would usually run the other way, so there aren't a lot of pics of me in general. If social pressure made it impossible to hide I would pull a face (scrunching and or bugging my eyes) and distort my image as best I could. Since getting a tablet I posted selfies but digitally distorted ones, only ever showing myself as a monster or alien of some kind.
My problem is that where I work, the press is always being called in to document the process of putting up the art. Somehow I end up getting my picture taken frequently. I have been in every Boston newspaper, repeatedly. My museum even does videos of some of the installs and I have featured prominently. Unbeknownst to me at the time. So I can't erase my past. I just hope the trend continues as I transition, that would make me feel good.
The rare photo where I am not making a face? I see a very sad and lonely person doing their best to keep going.
For me, it's like looking at a picture of an old friend who passed away...but I'm glad for him, because he's in a much better place.
Quote from: Beth Andrea on March 10, 2015, 08:05:04 AM
For me, it's like looking at a picture of an old friend who passed away...but I'm glad for him, because he's in a much better place.
I hope I can reach this someday.
Quote from: Kellam on March 10, 2015, 08:14:31 AM
I hope I can reach this someday.
Lately I've been reading a lot of "end of life" books (we have two family members who are getting up in age and down in health, so I just want to know something of the process, from their view and from the survivors)...
Anyway, something that often happens is the dying person is worried about how the others will do after s/he's passed on, so the death seems to be put on hold until the person gets to hear "they'll be OK, and it's alright if the person wants to go."
I found that to be true with my male self; he had to know that I had everything well in hand, and when he was ready, I let him go.
Hope this helps.
*hugs*
My thoughts as I look at old photographs of myself? Much the same as looking at new ones. Why can't I look like Selena Gomez, Mila Kunis............... Scottish oestrogen must be rubbish!
I love some of my old photos because of the people and places in them, but seeing my male presentation in them also makes me sad.
So I was thinking, "I wonder what the photos would look like if I presented as a girl then?". Then I got this idea to have a virtual FFS artist actually feminize me in them. :)
I am ridiculously excited about this idea. If the results are good, I'll post the befores and afters. Umm, assuming anyone else likes this idea. Maybe its too weird. Thoughts?
It used to be hard to look at photos of myself as a child. I would look and think, "Is that little girl really me?" I felt upset for not realizing sooner, for allowing myself to wear dresses and girl's clothes. Now it is not so bad. I think that child is cute. I am hesitant to refer to myself as a 'girl' but I was back then. I did not know what transgender meant. As a child I viewed boys and girls as the same. It was not until puberty when the difference became clear and the feelings of being transgender started. I spent my childhood as a girl and that will always be part of my life. I can appreciate that now.
Quote from: Lori on May 30, 2008, 05:09:54 PM
I get really sad when I look at pictures from my teens and twenties... becuase I see someone that could have
easily passed without even trying. Hormones would have been overkill ... lol... I was very feminine looking.
... now I look at the pictures and think that I really really wasted my life. And all of you have seen what years of T has done... and that just reinforces those feelings.
Amanda
Geez I could have written that same thing. I have almost no pictures but I remember being 21 and not having to shave, being 137 lbs, and not looking anything like a boy. I feel so stupid at times. Always told how pretty my eyes and hair were, how thin I was, how girlfriends would have me model clothes for them so they could take them in or whatever...I just wanted to fit in. If I knew then what I know now.
:icon_cry2:
Aaaaaand ditto. I use to get complimented in the same way about the same things (especially hair and looking "pretty"). But I didn't connect my inner trans and external public lives until way into adulthood. Until that time I just tried to fit in, which has also taken its toll. So when I look back at pics of myself, I think how easy it would've been to transition. I try not to be too hard on myself as I know I was a different person back then, the Internet didn't exist and gaining knowledge about such things was pretty much down to luck, maybe who you mixed with. It still stings to think about the life I missed out on.
I seem to get angry when I look at old pics of what I was before starting my transition. Bad memories I guess.
It really hurts my heart to see myself in past photography.
I see an obesity of a corpse with a facsimile smile plastered tensely to "her" face wishing so desperately that the people who "say" they love me would show it by accepting me too for the real person I am and not for this fake "woman" who has somehow found residency in their hearts over the real man who may never be truly accepted for who he is. :'(
I have a hard time looking at pre-transition photos of me as an adult, but not so much with earlier images.
Some of those photos have really good memories attached, like this one:
(https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=0B1qK1QDKjDX4LTJZN1RuN3ZMX1U)
I thought it would be fun to have the photo "regendered" and just love the result:
(https://drive.google.com/uc?export=view&id=0B1qK1QDKjDX4NjY4NVBGUExlUUE)
I've made it the wallpaper for my phone and I just feel happy when I see it...