in the past whenever i had a problem that made me feel blue, bursting into tears had always been a great relief resulting in a good night- or even during the day- sleep.Then when i was waking up, i would be better.Now things have changed.I cry all day, maybe 4 hours total, and there is no way i can sleep for more than an hour. i feel tired sad but i can not fall asleep. after 6 days of my new break up( if only i hadn't come back to this relationship) i have lost 14 lbs, and i look like hell:(i am seriously considering sleeping pills or/and antidepressives, but i am 23-24 years old in a very productive phase of my life.me trainee period finished and i am a lawer.However, not even work seems to matter anymore, since my love life is a wreck.i lost my friend, my lover, my companion.i am losing my sleep, my taste, my body.what else.
maybe i brought all these to my self. deceiving george was sth i have to pay for/
the worse thing is i can not easily hold me tears in front of my parents and my boss( who is really kind and cares about me).My parents are in more pain since they can not help me.Have a good evening.I am sorry i made your hearts blue.I needed someone to share this things.Or a shoulder to cry on.
Quote from: deniz on June 12, 2008, 11:37:34 AM
in the past whenever i had a problem that made me feel blue, bursting into tears had always been a great relief resulting in a good night- or even during the day- sleep.Then when i was waking up, i would be better.Now things have changed.I cry all day, maybe 4 hours total, and there is no way i can sleep for more than an hour. i feel tired sad but i can not fall asleep. after 6 days of my new break up( if only i hadn't come back to this relationship) i have lost 14 lbs, and i look like hell:(i am seriously considering sleeping pills or/and antidepressives, but i am 23-24 years old in a very productive phase of my life.me trainee period finished and i am a lawer.However, not even work seems to matter anymore, since my love life is a wreck.i lost my friend, my lover, my companion.i am losing my sleep, my taste, my body.what else.
O, Goddess, that sounds horrid, Deniz. But sometimes a very draining, depressing and traumatic event like a break-up or bad illness does that. No one could even possibly look good after 6 days of that!! :icon_hug: I've been to those places as well. I've known I was declining, but I just couldn't seem to get the sadness and hurt, the disappointment and anguish out of my heart without mourning, deeply mourning.
It sounds like you are doing that too, Deniz. Mourning the loss of your love. If writing about it here is helpful, please keep writing. That's why we are here.
But, in your own pain, I have seen over the past few days, you have reached out to help someone who seemed in much worse condition than you. That shows something of your heart and compassion for others. The ability to do that through your own pain indicates a strength and heart that a lot of people don't have. You are a
good person, Deniz.
Quotemaybe i brought all these to my self. deceiving george was sth i have to pay for/
OK, I'm gonna rant a bit here. Not at you, but at the attitude that I see in that sentence that I think so damned many of us have about ourselves and about others we wish to instill that attitude into.
You fell in love. You clung to that love as any of us, most of us anyhow, would. You are not to blame for loving another person. It's a natural human desire and reaction. WE all want that. You enriched your own life and that of others as well in your love. How can that be a thing to 'blame' anyone about? I cannot, anyhow.
Now, this is the biggie. That whole "deceiving" shyte. Almost the entire world sees TSes as "deceiving,"
especially MTFs, if we walk about looking, acting, being who we ARE without some huge sign draped around our necks front and back that says: "Watch out, I am really a Man." WTF!!!
What other people have to put up with that? None. Yet, we hear and take that stoopid stuff into ourselves and decide they must be right. If people don't know and don't care if they don't know it's still "our responsibility" to clue everyone in, publically and loudly!! That is just plain irrational and patently false.
The worst is the most radical proponents of it are US - other TSes!! WE OURSELVES!! This just burns me up!!
Deniz, George fell in love with a WOMAN and you ARE a WOMAN!! (I'm kinda vociferous about this, aren't I? :laugh: :laugh: ) Now, where is the lie in that? Where is the deceit?
He fell in love with you and you with him. There are no lies in that. No blame. In fact there is much good and truth in that.
I wish our own sense of self-hatred could just take a long and distant vacation from our community so we could see ourselves as we truly are. Full-fledged, normal and alive human beings with emotions and experiences every bit as valid as those experienced by all those other human beings out here who don't wear signs on their persons saying "I am a LIAR!!"
Get that out of your head. You haven't deceived him. He fell in love with a real, true other human being. A woman human being at that!!
I am all for telling a spouse or serious partner at SOME point. The way I would tell one that I had had cancer or TB or a radical mastectomy. But, to not tell the minute I meet someone, or after the Xth date does not make you, or me, or anyone else, "deceptive." That you look, act, talk and walk like the woman you are and that others see that is not deceptive either.
And THIS community, especially, needs to GET that!! We need to recognize our own internalization of the loathing we have received from others we never even meet or know and name it and expunge it. This has nothing at all to do with "out" and "stealth." It has to do with shame for whom we are as a group and as individuals.
Know it. Name it. And discard it as the toxic, nauseating garbage it is.
It sure ain't no lie to be who you are, who I am or who anyone here is.
:laugh: :laugh: "And I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!!" :laugh: :laugh:
Deniz, you give us all a great gift. The trust and friendship of you. You come here because you trust and rely on us to hold your pain and joy, your goodness and your sadness, your elation and your love.
Don't EVER apologize for that! It's what we do. If we, your sisters and brothers and cousins cannot do that, who else would you go to? :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:
Thanks so much for your trust and care.
You have mine as well.
Love,
Nichole
Quote from: deniz on June 12, 2008, 11:37:34 AM
in the past whenever i had a problem that made me feel blue, bursting into tears had always been a great relief resulting in a good night- or even during the day- sleep.Then when i was waking up, i would be better.Now things have changed.I cry all day, maybe 4 hours total, and there is no way i can sleep for more than an hour. i feel tired sad but i can not fall asleep. after 6 days of my new break up( if only i hadn't come back to this relationship) i have lost 14 lbs, and i look like hell:(i am seriously considering sleeping pills or/and antidepressives, but i am 23-24 years old in a very productive phase of my life.me trainee period finished and i am a lawer.However, not even work seems to matter anymore, since my love life is a wreck.i lost my friend, my lover, my companion.i am losing my sleep, my taste, my body.what else.
maybe i brought all these to my self. deceiving george was sth i have to pay for/
the worse thing is i can not easily hold me tears in front of my parents and my boss( who is really kind and cares about me).My parents are in more pain since they can not help me.Have a good evening.I am sorry i made your hearts blue.I needed someone to share this things.Or a shoulder to cry on.
This sounds like my life in 2008, starting Feb. I hope for the best for you. I wish I had something more useful to say.
thank you so much nichole.:(your words are inspiring.you are far away though:(we would go out for dinner tonight:)
Quote from: deniz on June 12, 2008, 12:38:10 PM
thank you so much nichole.:(your words are inspiring.you are far away though:(we would go out for dinner tonight:)
dearest Deniz,
Not tonight!! :laugh: But, to tell you the truth. A desire I have had since I did it the first time is to board a boat in Athens and cruise the Aegean Islands again. That will happen. For sure!!
And when that happens, I'll let you know before hand. Or when you come to USA to New York of wherever, please let me know,
I would
LOVE to have a dinner and some time to talk with and get to know you better.
If I've inspired you, it is merely a return of what you have given me, Deniz. The gumption (don't worry, it's an American word and means good-sense) to say what I've been wanting and needing to say.
Thank you.
:icon_hug:
Nichole