Hey guys... another problem from the new kid.
My best friend, Kelly, has been talking to me more and more about how I need to dress more feminine, act more feminine, etc. I'm not doing anything differently than before, but I guess it's maybe a little more overt, now that I'm coming to fully accept myself the way I am. Problem is, I met Kelly when I was still trying to identify as a lesbian, and she and I even had a brief relationship prior to her meeting her husband.
Kelly is bisexual, and very accepting of gays and lesbians, but I recall numerous incidents in which she has criticized transsexuals. I don't know why there's such a discrepancy there, but with all the things I'm dealing with now, with finally accepting my true identity, I wish I could discuss this stuff with her; I'm just afraid of how she might react. Any advice?
Rafe
RAfe:
I don't know what exactly are you asking for, so please bear with me.
Do you need advise as how to keep your friend?
or do you need advice as to how no to be baffled by things in life in general?
sheila
What I'd like is just maybe stories from others who have had to deal with friends like this, etc. I feel like I was born in the wrong body... thus an FtM. The problem with being more feminine is that it just isn't me. I played the female role through my teenage years to appease my family, but as soon as I turned 18, I stopped worrying about what they thought about my masculine clothing and haircuts. The last thing I need is a best friend who imposes the same social mores on me that my parents did for so many years.
Rafe
Rafe:
If you look around the site you will see that there are no set formulas.
because our development was not normal our feelings, thoughts and id were hiddden from family, friends and society we need to re- start our growing process.
sheila
Rafe: I've generally found that you can't predict people's reactions to you from what they say about transsexuals in general. My ex was very supportive of other transsexuals and reacted poorly to me. Other friends may have said negative things about transsexuals in general, but have made a genuine effort to understand the circumstances I am in.
The best way to stop her saying hurtful things is probably to disclose to her. If she continues, then she isn't worth having as a friend. More likely, if she loves you, she will try and wrap her head around what is no longer an abstract idea for her.
Dennis
Rafe:
A good point you make, you made me remember a couple of situations with a girlfriend I had, and your statement fits. She was supportive of TG people but she wanted me to commit to her quickly and to do so as a real man.
good luck Rafe
sheila
Well, I haven't yet had the opportunity to tell Kelly, but I told my other best friend last night, and she actually reacted amazingly well. She said it doesn't matter, that I'm still the same person... well, she's a lesbian, so I guess automatically she'd be more accepting, but it was really a confidence-booster to have her react so positively. You guys are right... you never know someone's reaction to something until you broach the topic, obviously, but I'm just so attached to Kelly that I don't want to risk telling her and losing her friendship, or at least having her decide I'm insane. I don't know... I guess it's just a good thing I'm moving out of state soon, because if I do lose her as a friend, at least I won't be in the same setting.
Lesbians aren't necessarily more accepting. Some gay and lesbian people are actually very prejudiced against transgendered people. Your friend is a peach! :)
Wow Rafe, I asked something almost identical to this awhile back. You need to be honest with her... the sooner the better. My experience has been that although a friend may criticize transsexuals when they don't know that you are one, when you come out to them they are often willing to be open and to learn. Maybe not right off the bat, but in time they will come around. This doesn't neccessarily mean that they will love and accept every transsexual, but will be willing to be open so that you two can still have a friendship.
As for her pressuring you to become more feminine I have gone through the same experience with friends... and they KNEW that I was trans! What I would suggest you do (if you're not comfortable coming out to her right now) is set a boundry by telling her that you are not comfortable with the idea of womens clothing and you are how you are for a reason. Nothing will change that, now by acting a certain way or forcing yourself to do something that compromises who you are. Be you and be proud of it man!
Tino
Thanks Tino... I do realize I need to tell her soon. I'm hoping that the fact that we've been friends for over a year will serve to fend off any negative feelings she might have toward TSs. If I can be okay with the fact that she's biologically and psychologically female, she should be okay with the fact I'm biologically female but psychologically male. As far as I'm aware, there's not yet a strict formula as to how exactly people should be.
If she decides it's not worth it to keep me as a friend just because I've admitted something that's been so all along, I guess she wasn't a very good friend in the first place. I realize this is a little cliched, but I can't help it, and I don't want to lie to the people who are supposed to know me best (though I could never tell my parents about all this, but that's a different story entirely). Anyway, thanks everyone for all the great advice.
Rafe
Posted at: July 09, 2006, 01:08:53 PM
So Kelly called me up a couple days ago and said she was coming over on Wednesday (tomorrow) morning. I haven't seen her in awhile, but have been hoping to so I can tell her in person I'm TS. I'm thinking shock value: meet her at the door with binder in place and the most masculine outfit I can find. I figure she'll get the point, or will at least be interested enough to talk to me about it. That way, I get it out of the way early. My only fear is (okay, so it's really one of quite a few) that she'll turn around, get in her car, and drive back home. Anyone? Most likely, I'll go ahead and do this, but I could use some reassurance.
Rafe
As tempting as that may be, Rafe, I wouldn't do it that way. Gently and sincerely is the best way to go, preferrably forearmed with information and support.
I came out to my wife rather suddenly (but not cross dressed, that would have been worse) and almost lost her. I think it did more damage than good to come at her with it so suddenly.
Sit her down and tell her how horrible you feel when you are forced to present as a woman. Tell her how it has tormented you for your whole life. Then tell her what you feel you will need to do to make it better. Offer to show her a picture of you dressed the way you want but don't force it, this info will probably take a while (sometimes a long while) to sink in. Put in that way, in those terms, I think the subject will get a much fairer hearing.
Of course all this effort is only if you think your relationship with her is valuable enough to put that kind of effort into it. If you'd rather risk sudden exposure as a technique for coming out because the other stuff is more trouble than your friend is worth, then go for it.
I'm looking forward to hearing how it went.
hugs,
helen
Rafe:
good to read your posts again Rafe.
Good luck Rafe, only you can find your life and your choices
sheila18
rafe im in a similar situation im waiting for my best friend to come over next month so i can come out to her .
i thought about doing the same thing ,but helen has a point i think if we do it our way they might hit the door running.
jaded
It was a good point, Helen, and thank you so much for your input. As it happened, Kelly made the choice for me... she brought her 3-year-old daughter along for lunch, and I wasn't about to scare the kid (who knows me pretty well). I didn't hide anything, though... my facial hair is pretty obvious now, and I didn't attempt to change that. Basically, though, I was all distraught over nothing, as I'm sure many people predicted. We went out to lunch (though Kelly did give me a weird look when I answered the door in a muscle tee and whatnot) and everything went normally, and then I brought it up. She immediately assumed I meant I was going to start on hormone therapy and whatnot right away, but I told her that wasn't the case, and she was like, "Well, it's not like I didn't already know you were really masculine. It's really not that big a deal." And that thing I had taken as condemning of TSs, her comment about the drag king in the gay bar, she explained was because he had BAD facial hair, not the fact that he had facial hair at all.
I love my friends... and I suppose I have underestimated them. It makes things even sadder that I'm moving soon. Oh, and if anyone read my post on the words that hurt thread about how I get pissed when called "butch," I cleared that up with Kelly too, and she apologized. Two birds with one stone. Man... it's great to know there are still good people out there (as if I haven't met plenty of them on Susan's 8) ) I feel fantastic, and yesterday spent the day with my other best friend, dressed completely as a guy with binder and everything, and she was awesome about it... I asked her if I "passed," and she looked me up and down, then said, "Yeah. Definitely." This from the chick who, last summer, was in love with me because she thought I was a lesbian and the most amazing one in the world, apparently; but that doesn't change anything. Good friends. All I can say. Good friends.
Thanks, everyone, for all the support
Rafe
oh, and as a note, my internet service is on the fritz, so I will only be able to get on here and post every couple days. I hate it, but until I go back to live with my folks (ugh, about a week and counting now), that's the way it is.
Rafe,
Yeah, I was kind of wondering what happened to you. Glad things worked out with your friend.
Nero
thats good to hear i think its normally pretty obvious to close friendsand family but they wait for you to say something.
im glad she took it well!!!
jaded
Quote from: Rafe on July 21, 2006, 10:51:44 PM
I love my friends... and I suppose I have underestimated them.
My friends have been so good since I came out last week. Everyone wonder why I was so emotional and I told them the full extent of my GID. I am so glad I can now chat to them.
Alice
Yeah, it really helps to have people to talk to about it... as if you guys weren't enough, but I at least need someone to tell me if I'm overdoing it! LOL
Jaded, my family might know innately, but they're strict Christians, and for me to ever admit to them that I know I'm anything more or less than their perfect daughter would be like crucifying myself. They'd never forgive me. So yeah, maybe people already know, but if you don't say anything, sometimes it still isn't real to them. Making it real could have serious consequences.
At least I have my friends.
Rafe
oh, and good to hear things went so well for you in this department, Alice.
rafe:
am glad that everything got resolved in a positive manner. Sounds like you had a couple of momments filled with anxiety. Am glad you still have your friend, wonderful news.
Sheila18