I'm wondering about myself a bit. I don't exactly like my gender, but I don't know if I could ever take a step towards transitioning. I don't know if I could ever break this to my parents, my relatives, or my friends. I have hinted about wanting surgery to make my face more feminine, but I doubt they truly understand what I want. Hell I don't even know what I want.
If changing my gender could be like what happens in Ranma 1/2 for instance, I would do it with little thought. There is little doubt that I would probably find life better. Unfortunately the reality is that it seems there is too much work involved.
I already look decently feminine in both my face and body, but that could change easily. I'm only in my early twenties. It makes me sad to think that I might get even taller than 5' 8" or that my face will become even worse than it is.
Even through I still have plenty of time to do this, it seems I'll never get the courage to try. The window is closing. Before long my youth will be behind me. I don't exactly like that, but there is nothing I can do about aging. Furthermore I'll probably become even more masculine. Damn that sucks.
Has anyone else found it hard to actually start to transition? I know I'm probably extremely rare, but still I'm wondering. Hell I don't even know if I have transsexual past. Am I supposed to have a certain past or something?
I guess life just sucks. I'm stuck in this rut forever.
Go ahead and lay it out for me. Tear me into shreds because I'm probably just another crazy fool.
Your post sounds a bit like some of the things I went through before I transitioned. It is part of the process to question and one of the mistakes I made was to go it alone too long. By this, I mean that I resisted seeing a gender therapist because frankly, I didn't want to get that diagnosis of being trans. It was so much more convenient to have my made up world where I could have it both ways. However, being trans is not static. Once it starts to surface, the feelings get more and more intense. I fought and fought it and beat myself up emotionally for a long time hoping I could stop. It was not that I didn't identify as a woman, it was because society and my family expected me to be male. I wanted to be a good husband and father. I wanted nothing to do with anything like LBGT. I was focused on what I was programmed to want by my upbringing. Clearly, my internal identity was in conflict with those notions. That conflict was soon to bring me to near collapse. I could have saved myself and my family so much pain if I had sought help sooner.
I highly recommend talking to a gender therapist. Most have a free intake session so you can go and it costs nothing. Having an impartial objective professional hear your story and feelings will be more helpful than you expect. AND no, you are not a crazy fool!
Maggie
Quote from: je on June 26, 2008, 10:08:17 AM
If changing my gender could be like what happens in Ranma 1/2 for instance, I would do it with little thought.
What happens in Ranma?
QuoteI already look decently feminine in both my face and body, but that could change easily. I'm only in my early twenties. It makes me sad to think that I might get even taller than 5' 8" or that my face will become even worse than it is.
Ya never know how things will turn out. I'm 44 (wow, when'd THAT happen?), 6'2", and... things turned out just fine.
QuoteHas anyone else found it hard to actually start to transition?
Well it IS scary! Some people lose everything (jobs, family, friends) when they transition, while others barely notice any impact on their lives. It's QUITE a "roll of the dice," and you just don't know beforehand which way things will turn out. That's scary as heck!
QuoteHell I don't even know what I want.
Maybe find a good therapist in your area who's familiar with GID issues? They can really help you to sort things out, to figure out what you want. They can't do it FOR you, but they support and guide you while you do the hard work ;)
~Kate~
It's definitely scary and gave me pause when I first finally admitted to myself I had issues, when being a transsexual was the furthest thing from my mind. I didn't have the words to describe what was going on all along.
Like Maggie I fought and fought. I tried so hard and wanted to be a good wife and mother. LGBT issues were the furthest thing from my mind.
After my divorce I started really questioning myself and things, but never really knew what it was I was trying to figure out. Now that I know there's no doubt I need to transition.
Ditto to what the others have said. Find a good gender therapist to help you work stuff out. They are invaluable!
Good luck.
Jay
I hesistated for a long time. But now I feel ready. I just have to fight off my parents... and the counselor said it could be 18 months to two years before I get any testosterone injections. That really upset me.
But I'd honestly rather be a he-she than just a she. And I'd rather be a he overall, but I know that 100% maleness is something I can never achieve. There's just no way I'll ever have a penis.
Posted on: June 26, 2008, 08:57:23 AM
Quote from: Kate on June 26, 2008, 10:47:58 AM
Quote from: je on June 26, 2008, 10:08:17 AM
If changing my gender could be like what happens in Ranma 1/2 for instance, I would do it with little thought.
What happens in Ranma?
I think when you pour cold water on the main character he becomes a girl, and hot water makes him a boy again (or maybe it's the other way around).
Quote from: je on June 26, 2008, 10:08:17 AMThe window is closing. Before long my youth will be behind me.
"It is never too late to be what you might have been"~George Eliot
I started at 41 and look at how I turned out (avatar). Don't put all this extra pressure on yourself. You'll do it when you're ready.
By the way, you're changing your body, not your gender.
QuoteHas anyone else found it hard to actually start to transition? I know I'm probably extremely rare, but still I'm wondering. Hell I don't even know if I have transsexual past. Am I supposed to have a certain past or something?
I guess life just sucks. I'm stuck in this rut forever.
Go ahead and lay it out for me. Tear me into shreds because I'm probably just another crazy fool.
You are NOT crazy. Don't let a stereotype of what a transsexual person is
supposed to be make you question yourself. You're not transitioning to be a stereotype. You're not transitioning to be a transsexual. You're transitioning to be *you*. So relax and just be the best possible YOU. My last words of wisdom are from a friend I knew in my old life. She was the FIRST person I ever spoke to about my issues. I did a core dump right there is her car a little more than 5 years ago. And I was shaking and crying she said something that's stayed with me all the way through transition and that I pass onto you today:
"You are stronger than you know."
I didn't know it then, but she was absolutely correct. And I know that you are to. I know you are because I know what's you've already been through. You've been through all that hell and confusion (hell I was in such deep denial I didn't know I was trans either!) and you survived. I know it sounds crazy now, but once you start transitioning, I mean take that first step, life will get easier. And everystep will build on the last. Why will you feel better? Because you will be breaking the cycle of going with the flow and start taking control of your life. Each step will help bulid your self-confidence and self-esteem.
Good Luck!
It was something I couldn't stop and it was scary as hell because there was "no place to transition to" in those days - it was all uncharted territory - but after my mid-teens I couldn't pass for a boy anymore. I had no choice but to "do or die".
As frightening as it was to make the leap and leave everything behind, life on the other side was a million times better (and easier) than I could ever have imagined.
I also found it hard to transition. Ok, Im only 20, but I came out to myself when I was 17. For me it was hard because I just moved to another country and I was dating a super straight, super conservative guy. After living in Sweden for 6 months, I HAD to do something cause I was getting really depressed. So I started transitioning socially.
When I think about it, maybe it wasnt so hard.
hi je,
I am also at the beginning of my transition and we are of the same age i think,
nad yes i did have the same dillemas as you have now.
My main fear was of unknown. I don't know where am i going to. Of course i have
a vision, the way i want it to turn out, but there is no guarantee that it will. And that
made me scared to. But i am trying to learn not to try to predict everything. I have
noticed that i usually focuse on the worst case scenario and spend lot of time worrying
about nothing. As for the looks, don't try to predict anything in that field either, take your
time before undergoing anything radical.
Before making any decision about time i would advise you to compare a life you are
currently living. What is it like, do you like the way it is? Are your gender issues jeperdising
your happines?
In my opinion, the sooner you transtion the better, but only if you are 100% that it is what
you need and want.
I didn't expect this. I thought I was going to be bashed to pieces. I refrained from replying, but now I will.
By the way, you're changing your body, not your gender.
Thank you for correcting me.
Before making any decision about time i would advise you to compare a life you are
currently living. What is it like, do you like the way it is? Are your gender issues jeperdising
your happines?
I'm not sure it is so severe that I will kill myself. Yet even so it has gotten worse and worse as I have aged.
I wish I could think of something better to say, but I cannot at the moment. I'm sorry.
One thing I know is I have found a group of people that I can identify with. I'm not as alone anymore. Thanks.
I cried for three hours the first day I was supposed to go out and meet a friend presenting correctly, too terrified to go out the door, (That was about five weeks ago) and my first steps out as me (seven weeks past) had me too terrified to move for most of the day. My coming out letter took seven months to write. I still freeze in fear every time I'm about to step out the door, and have to will myself across the threshold. Tomorrow I will see my cousin as me for the first time, and I'm so scared I could hurl.
Ultimately though, my dysphoria got to a point where it was no longer a question between transition and not transition, but between transition and death. And the only reason I've had the guts to push as hard as I have in the last five months is my looming homecoming back to South Africa - I had to go back as me, because there, with all the people who know me back in my life, with all their expectations and their take on who and what I "really" am, I don't know if I would've had the strength.
For me it took running away from my life to come to terms with myself (I went to Taiwan to teach English for a year) and then again running away to England to transition. Home is the hardest place in the world to transition, IMO, and I admire everybody who has the strength to do so.
~Simone.
Don't worry so much about the "party line." Popular culture tells us that once we find ourselves we have to rewrite our history to make sense in the present, but it's just not true. Sure, it's common for a 40-year-old woman to decide/realize that she is a lesbian, and with retrospect say, "Wow, *this event* and *that signal* when I was younger makes sense now, I should have known all along!" But in reality, I don't think it's so clear-cut. There are transpeople who look back and say, "Wow, I was a woman all along 'trapped' in a male body," but... honestly?
When I transitioned, it was not because I found that I fit perfectly into the supposed "true" transsexual type. I never HATED my penis, though I did come to find it to be incongruent, personally. What triggered my transition was the realization that I would only become more masculine. A late, weak male puberty had held things off for a while, but by the time I was nearly 21 I knew that action had to be taken. I simply could not take another hair sprouting on my face, let alone continuing to try to live up to a male social role. Something that helped a lot probably was that I had taken some time off after earning my Bachelor's because I wasn't quite ready to continue my education. That year out of school really allowed me to make peace with myself and slowly adjust without having to deal with being out in the world, do you know what I mean?
I'll stop; I feel like I'm babbling. I just meant to say that you shouldn't feel the need to justify yourself by uncovering some transsexual past. You owe nothing to anyone, and it's your body and your choice. Either way, you'll do what's right for you.
Lia
A late, weak male puberty had held things off for a while, but by the time I was nearly 21 I knew that action had to be taken. I simply could not take another hair sprouting on my face, let alone continuing to try to live up to a male social role. Something that helped a lot probably was that I had taken some time off after earning my Bachelor's because I wasn't quite ready to continue my education. That year out of school really allowed me to make peace with myself and slowly adjust without having to deal with being out in the world, do you know what I mean?
Yes I absolutely hate all this facial hair!!! I have a lot on my chin, my base of nose to lips area, and underneath my face -- along my neck. I shave it all the time, but it just keeps coming back.
Honestly I'm one of those weirdos that tried to control how their face would look. For instance I would try frantically to push my chin into a more feminine shape. Of course that was a failure. Back then I was still largely unaware of a lot of things.
I don't know if I had a weak puberty. My brow became heavy -- that is about it. Otherwise I'm still largely childish looking. I say childish because I still look like I did as a kid for the most part. I mean my mom says I'm gorgeous, and my grandmother called me pretty at a wedding although she changed it to handsome.
I said that it hasn't gotten to the point where I'm thinking of killing myself, but that is a lie. It has reached that point. I thought about overdosing on drugs. It was the first time in my life I have really thought about suicide.
When I arrived on this forum, I thought I was androgyne. I doubt that now. I need to get a grip, and figure out if this is what I want. I don't want to make a terrible decision that I might regret.
I want to try, but part of me says I shouldn't bother. I don't know which to believe.
i had more of a problem with keeping up the girl charade. it was like a breath of fresh air to rip off my tight jeans and slap on a binder. but then again, it does seem easier in the real world for "butches" to be accepted than for "girly men" so i can see where youre coming from.
Quote from: JonasCarminis on June 27, 2008, 07:35:26 AM
i had more of a problem with keeping up the girl charade. it was like a breath of fresh air to rip off my tight jeans and slap on a binder. but then again, it does seem easier in the real world for "butches" to be accepted than for "girly men" so i can see where youre coming from.
I'm going to be doing that today... my dad said we can go get me some looser clothes. He's even willing to take me to the guy's department. This is a big step for both of us.
Minus the binder. As long as I'm smaller than a B, I refuse to bind. I don't want to cause unnecessary tissue damage. :( It must be very difficult for guys with bigger chests.
yea. >_< im a D.
I'm a B, and Ive been using a binder for three years. O_o
There were some emotional concerns but my need to transition was greater than all the obstacles I had in front of me. At the end I ran out of excuses & did what I had to do. I'm quite happy with myself now & I can hardly wait for my GRS. When that's done, everything will be perfect.
I ran away from myself so hard that I eventually ran into who I was supposed to be. ;)
I walked into transition but was also pulled into it. I am one of those who, after 7 months on HRT, simply could not pass as a guy any longer. Things went wrong, things went right and, in the end, I ended up where I wanted to go. Each journey is unique to the individual but often we may find some others to walk part of the way with us.
Good luck. :)
Everyday I find more reasons to transition, followed with more reason not to.
I guess I'm still just declicately balanced on those scales of justice, waiting for the one shed
of evidence that results in the thumbs up, or thumbs down...
Which way will I fall?..
...Yes I'm still finding damned hard...
..I so wish I'd had been strong enough to make the decision to start earlier in life...
Chrissty
I used to share that same fear about aging/masculinizing when I started, which was at age 28. I think that was purely based on anecdotal stories I had heard about age/masculinization. I can happily tell you that those fears were ungrounded and I have no trouble passing at all (no FFS, just hormones) -- even to myself. In fact I even look about 5 years younger than I am, or so I am told. I'm sure your fears will go unrealized too. Also, I think that fear actually pushed me harder to transition quickly, rather than making me stop in my tracks.
Anymore I basically tell you younger doubters and those questioning who you are to find a gender therapist that is versed in GID and who has had other Transsexual clients. I will also tell you that I fought this with all I had and every tool I thought I could use because I honestly did not believe I would be allowed to transition. I made an internal hell for myself that lasted for over 30 plus years. It will not go away and it will come back stronger each time you let your guard down. You will most likely try suicide if you let it overwealm you. Thats the gloom and doom.
The miracle is that the way things are now, if you have the drive and desire to be who you were meant to be, anyone can transition short of having major medical problems. I am 61 now and started my active run at transition 1 year ago this month when I sat in an Emergency room after almost commiting my 5th attempt at suicide crying my eyes out and begging for help. Almost 9 months on HRT now and I am presenting myself to the world at every chance. You came to a good place to learn. Hugs
Wendy
I just wanted to give an update to my thread...
Early this morning I left a text file on my parent's computer describing what I was feeling at that particular moment and my desire to get help. At the moment of typing this, I'm sure they have seen that text file. So it looks like I will get some help -- which just makes me so happy at the moment.
*hugs*
I hope they are mature about it and you guys can talk things through in a calm, adult manner, Je. :)
It took a suicide attempt to finally shake me up. I tried to explain it to my wife but she would not listen. Then we split up and I have been on a rocket sled ever since. Sometimes I feel that I should put on the brakes and step back, but then I read that another girl is headed for GRS. And the motors fire up again. I am so happy to going forward and I will not stop until I'm dead or complete.
Very Happy for Now, But looking forward to the next step,
Janet
I'm getting closer, but I'm sure I'll get cold feet. If not, I might jump right it. I guess I'll know when my therapist finally says the "okay."
nope. not me. I'm a dude &can"t live my life as anythin else. Sorry I know everybody's difernet but not me ;)
I have no problem knowing that I'm a guy. The issue is the risk involved. For me medically especially.
My liver's healthy, my heart's healthy, my thyroid's healthy...
But I weigh 80lbs. I worry about that. I also worry about my mental health; my family WILL be ballistic. I also have to do with with my father's approval... and he wants me to wait and "make sure" at least a year or so (which really isn't a big deal). But I also hesitate myself. Yes, I am confident in my identity, but I still wonder if altering my body is the right thing. I wonder if I'll be happy with everything but a penis. I wonder if I'll be happy being a man who's 5'3" and maybe around 90lbs if the T helps me gain some weight. I ask these questions. I know I'll be happier without breasts (I'm just a size A), but I have to start T to have top surgery approved. So I have to make the biggest decision first; am I ready to start injecting myself with hormones for the rest of my life? Can I afford it? If there's some sort of world war, will I loose access to it?
I'm paranoid. I have many mental issues going on. Anxiety, OCD, and depression are the big ones. Plus the effects of GID on top of it. I am just 18 years old, and I ask myself if I am emotionally mature enough to make this decision. Adults all over have told me that they are glad they didn't make life-changing decisions when they were 18. It doesn't matter how smart I am; my brain is not done developing yet and I'm just not sure if I can trust my own reasoning. Because of this, the process with the therapists will take longer. I am less assertive because I am compensating for the fallibility of my own mind. I am trying to be intelligent, make the right decision-- do what a good man would do and do what's best for the future... Not be selfish like a child, weak and doing something for the sake of doing it because "I want now."
I have to be smart. I can't walk back from this. There is no reverse. There is no saying "oops" in 10 years. There is no, "It turns out I just had trauma from the past, which is now resolved, and I so hate being a man," or something. Yes, right now, I can't imagine that ever happening. But it's the things we can't ever imagine happening that catch us and kill us. Steve Irwin didn't expect a sting ray to pierce him in the heart and kill him. That's why he's dead. He didn't see it coming. And there's no way I'd see regret coming from transition. That is why I must be really sure and prepared. I came out when I was 17. It's been about a year. I think by two years I might really have a clue. I've felt this way my whole life, but I haven't started living full time. I think I need to live full time for at least a few months before I start shooting hormones into my blood. Full time isn't going to happen for a long time, because of my life style, obligations, and outside goals. I have school, work, family. I can't throw all those things away to transition or I'll have nothing to come back to. I must have a strong foundation on which to transition, and I must do this smartly and correctly. That is why I am hesitating.
I have not seen a GID specialist yet. I am seeing my counselor on Thursday. It is then that I will ask for a referral. If she doesn't feel like she can make one, I'll simply call the specialist and ask to work with them (a referral is not required). That is when my real journey will start. I call this part of transition, "adaptation." I will be learning, listening, discussing, and expressing. I'll be talking to people in LGBTQQI groups (in person) to familiarize myself with my position. I will start living full time with a male name and hopefully people will catch on and use the pronouns. I already dress full time, have been for many months. I started taking on some male rituals, such as not shaving my legs and instead shaving my face. The effects are subtle, but I don't have peach fuzz, so more people call me a "sir" now. I will work with the therapist on my GID issues but also my anxiety issues. This process of "adaptation" could take many months or even a couple years. It will be after this process that things will start to move rapidly.
When I feel ready, which could be months or years from now, I will start HRT. That process will take a couple years of adjusting dosages and making sure things are working out properly. It would be wise to make sure my testosterone levels are healthy before I try to have any surgeries. Perhaps during this time of transition, I call "balancing," I may have top surgery, which for me will be a very quick, inexpensive, and simple procedure (because I am only an A cup-- I'll go for a key hole procedure). At that time, MOST of my issues will have been resolved. But I will also want to go with the next part of transition, which involves the genitals.
Having been on T for many months or a few years, my clitoris would have undergone some major changes. Depending on what medical professionals say, I will either have a medioplasty done early or later. If earlier helps the clitoris develop more, than I will seek to have the surgery sooner. In the mean time, I will be considering options for hysterectomies. By the time that thought crosses my head, I should be at least 30. I will have been living full time after HRT and top surgery for quite some time before I consider doing anything drastic to the bottom portion of my body. Not only for reasons like Thomas Beatie, but mostly because of the medical risk. I might be happier if I died at 30 instead of 20. Not to mention the fact that they wouldn't do a hysterectomy when I was 20 anyway.
actually for me, it was easy to transition because i knew i was not a boy, just a girl being forced to act a boyish part which indeed looked silly. on top of that i look very feminine which made me want more to live in the correct gender role. so really i didnt have any trouble at all to start transitioning. :D
nah, it was pretty easy.
I'm wondering, has anyone else besides me grown up acting and dressing as a boy and doing boy activities (or girl if your transwoman) while only finding out why years later?
I do not know how difficult transition will be... I know it will be a long time though between emotional issues have to deal with and the fact that I have very little income.
I also know that even after transition I most likely will still not fit in. But I never have and fitting in is not why want to do this. Feeling more comfortable with myself physically and mentally is.
Quote from: Aiden on July 30, 2008, 01:29:31 AM
I'm wondering, has anyone else besides me grown up acting and dressing as a boy and doing boy activities (or girl if your transwoman) while only finding out why years later?
I do not know how difficult transition will be... I know it will be a long time though between emotional issues have to deal with and the fact that I have very little income.
I also know that even after transition I most likely will still not fit in. But I never have and fitting in is not why want to do this. Feeling more comfortable with myself physically and mentally is.
I did. And I was also not discouraged from taking on female traits and behaviors, so I think that's why transition was so easy for me. There was little to no "male conditioning" to overcome.
Quote from: Aiden on July 30, 2008, 01:29:31 AM
I'm wondering, has anyone else besides me grown up acting and dressing as a boy and doing boy activities (or girl if your transwoman) while only finding out why years later?
I do not know how difficult transition will be... I know it will be a long time though between emotional issues have to deal with and the fact that I have very little income.
I also know that even after transition I most likely will still not fit in. But I never have and fitting in is not why want to do this. Feeling more comfortable with myself physically and mentally is.
Yes. I was that way. I started "pretending" I was a boy many years ago. It took me until very recently to look back at that and say, "I've been trans for much longer than I originally thought."
Transition is hard, but a rewarding, enriching experience. You're blooming into the young man (or for transwomen, woman) that you're supposed to be.
One of the things that made me start when I did was the fact that I didn't like the role I was being put into. It wasn't a do or die for me, however it was a strong feeling. I didn't like the idea that people were expecting me to be a big and bulky male and that being feminine and sweet was not part of that. I was hurt, so instead of repressing those feelings I expressed them and went about making sure I was able to do so. It was the right point in my life. I've always bucked against the norm and so it never really bothered me to have to face them. For some people this is very difficult, for others it's easy. Just like the journey it's different for everyone, make sure it's yours and at least try to enjoy yourself along the way. Good Luck
Je, your first post described me perfectly. You're definitely not crazy. I think I am crazy too, but it looks like we are all related on these personal matters. I've almost committed suicide half a dozen times (and maybe more), but I still doubt myself.
Quote from: Gracie FAISE on July 30, 2008, 01:55:57 AM
I did. And I was also not discouraged from taking on female traits and behaviors, so I think that's why transition was so easy for me. There was little to no "male conditioning" to overcome.
Oh, lucky. Gracie FAISE, I'm SOOOOO envious of you. There was the invisible "male" barrier set up for me, and it is so deeply ingrained, that I am scared to freaking death of trying things feminine. I am afraid of being raided, teased, and tortured. I read girls manga, but that's about it. I keep sticking in my comfort zone around boy things. It makes me think I am androgyne too. I recently tried feminine clothes, but got stuck in them :(. I am realizing others don't care as much as I think they do, it's just me overreacting.
Quote from: Chett on June 27, 2008, 07:35:26 AM
it does seem easier in the real world for "butches" to be accepted than for "girly men" so i can see where youre coming from.
i guess you could be right about that, but once you get started, you learn it's not the acceptance from the world that you need, but acceptance from yourself. once you've tasted self-acceptance, possibly for the first time in your life, you no longer need to ask people about whether transitioning is a good idea.
-Ell
Quote from: Gracie FAISE on July 30, 2008, 01:55:57 AM
I did. And I was also not discouraged from taking on female traits and behaviors, so I think that's why transition was so easy for me. There was little to no "male conditioning" to overcome.
This was the same for me. But we get a certain amount of "male conditioning" just from living in the world. I can't say there was nothing to overcome.
Quote from: Lisbeff's Elf on August 10, 2008, 02:10:18 PM
i guess you could be right about that, but once you get started, you learn it's not the acceptance from the world that you need, but acceptance from yourself. once you've tasted self-acceptance, possibly for the first time in your life, you no longer need to ask people about whether transitioning is a good idea.
-Ell
Amen!
Lisbeth
I have a lot of conditioning I have to deal with though there are a few things I admit I wouldn;t change because I feel they make me a better person.
But I've found it just difficult to speak up and say I'm Aiden, am not she and such. I'm not sure how to deal with being known by _____ and callled she all my life, and now feeling as if my body still betrays my birth sex I'm afraid to call myself Aiden and correct people with correct pronouns.
I've also been conditioned to respond to _____ and she to where I respond without realizing right away what names and pronoune they used.
Though I look at a form that says male or female and grit my teeth... used to I automatically put what my body says am supposed to be, but now I am very aware that there is a difference between my biological sex and my gender. (believe it or not there was a time I thought Gender was another word for sex) But of course I still find myself forced to mark F on forms like that.
Quote from: je on July 11, 2008, 06:34:00 PM
I just wanted to give an update to my thread...
Early this morning I left a text file on my parent's computer describing what I was feeling at that particular moment and my desire to get help. At the moment of typing this, I'm sure they have seen that text file. So it looks like I will get some help -- which just makes me so happy at the moment.
I wish you the best of luck with what you are doing.
I'm finding myself with a lot of the same questions that you are facing.
Starting to transition is always difficult, as clear or muddled your internal gender directive may seem.
You mention you would fully switch genders in a split second. Would you stay on the other gender for life or would you switch back? If you would switch back, and this is the crux of the question, would you do it for yourself or for others (not to disturb your surroundings or to avoid the hassle)? If for you, then I'd say you're ok straddling the gender line and a queer path seems the best, if for others, then not being able to switch fully would be at the root of your anguish and exploring the possibility of transitioning would be wise.
Oh for sure!
It took me at least two years to get the guts to tell anybody else, and then another year to actually do anything about it!
I always identified as androgyne before, so that makes it all a little odder, I eventually thought, just take the hormones and then you can stop when you feel comfotable, wherever that is.
I identify as genderqueer I suppose, I like the mixture of the two and feel very comfortable with myself three months into transition.
Time is not the issue you think it is. I began my transition at 45, it took me 5 years to complete the change, and it has been 6 years since then and I am having the time of my life. It is never too late!