Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello everyone,

I'm new to this community, and I wanted to introduce myself and see if anyone could help me through my unfamiliar role as a SO.

I'm a young woman. When I was fifteen, I met a boy in one of my classes, whom I immediately took a liking to, mostly because of his intelligence. I never was the first to approach a guy, so I figure that he would come to me. But he didn't, so I eventually came to him. We came to become best friends, and I had a serious crush on him. It felt foreign to be the one wanting something from him, and I was confused as to why he never pursued anything further. I had my suspicions that he was either gay or bi, but he didn't confirm nor deny anything.

I visited him at college this year, and had known that he was in the GLBT dorms, though I was still confused exactly why because he wouldn't tell me anything. After a few days, he came out to me as a transsexual. It was extremely hard for her to do it, and it took a while before I pieced the whole story together. I was at first shocked that I made her feel like she had to hide herself from me, though she said she had no idea what to expect because of my conservative Catholic background. As we sat on the floor, flipping through the books about transsexuals that she had hidden, I knew that I still liked her just the same. I've never liked girls before, or after the "coming out," but I do make an exception for her. I've always been explicit about my feelings towards her, but it seemed unrequited, though she did also come out to me as a bisexual.

I still kept up our insane amount of communication, and she admitted that she liked me-- just as our gossiping friends had predicted, and I had hoped. Before the college visit I thought we had shared quite a lot, but now nothing was off-limits. A month later she came to visit me, and that's when our relationship became physical. We didn't do anything too sexual, nor did we really have an official relationship. She was still incredibly shy because she never had gotten involved with any one before because she couldn't stand to let on that she was male. Everything seemed to be incredible, and we talked a lot after that.

The problem is that I have to initiate every conversation, trip, or whatever. She's clearly not the "dominant" force in the relationship, so I've been holed into that role. I've spoken with her multiple times about this-- I would really like her to open up one conversation, so I can at least feel like she cares about me. I don't care for being the "man" in the relationship, but I do it because I really care for her and don't want to stress her out. She's agreed that we can switch off on being the "man," but she hasn't acted upon that. After talking, pleading, and crying to her, I stopped texted and calling for a while. It was absolutely terrible for me, but she didn't mind it. I picked back up on it, though not with any great frequency. I really don't feel like she cares at all, though when I'm about to break everything off, she tells me that she does think about me and cares for me. I've been out on dates with other very smart, cute guys, but I felt terrible every time. It's very hard for me not to talk to her, and I can't stand it any more. It's an "I'm-miserable-with-and-without-her" sort of deal. I really believe that I love her, and she tells me that she loves me. I don't think anything less than that could turn this conservative into the accepting, loving person that I believe I am today. I literally feel sick over the thought that she might not want me anymore, though she insists that she does. I would rather her let me down now than lead me on, which I've told her on multiple occasions. I've researched everything that I could get my hands on about transsexuals, and I'm trying to understand her.

I guess the point of this obscenely long post is to ask whether or not this behavior is normal for a pre-op transsexual. She hasn't told anybody about her yet, so I would think that she would like to talk to the person that she presumably cares for. We haven't seen each other in months, albeit her college is four hundred miles away. I know that she has some depression issues, which she is quick to bring up whenever I ask her to contribute to this relationship. I believe that each partner should equally devote themselves to the relationship; I'm receiving nothing. I never thought that I would stay with someone who makes me feel horrible about myself, though this is the first relationship that I've invested myself in. I'm just wondering if this egocentric behavior is typical for someone like her, or if I really should get over it all.

Thanks for your input, I'm looking forward to getting to know each one of you. :)

Welcome to Susan's, soleil, (nice username!)

Please take some time to read The Site Rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) and on The Main Page (https://www.susans.org/index.html) you can discover Links, Chat and Wiki for your use as well. You might also want to go to the "Announcements" section and read the two posts "Post Ranks" and "Reputation Rules" to help you with some knowledge about when you can apply your own avatars, PM, and what those lil stars mean beneath all of our names and how to get them for yourself as well!! :)

I wanted to get the official welcome outta the way. BTW, the SO board usually seems pretty dead anymore. So if you don't get some feedback we may wanna move this thread to "Introductions" where it should get seen a lot better by most members.

Wow, you do have a problem sounds like to me. So many of us long to have an SO like you, and don't. Now, your So has one like you and seems to be leery of that.

Well, being TS can have some really nasty consequences, especially when things are already in a state of flux: new school and new life at the school, studies, etc. Quite honestly, a lot of relationships, or possible relationships "go off the rails" when one partner goes to college and the other is elsewhere. A 400 mile long-distance relationship can be a hard thing to manage well anytime.

It does sound from your post that you've had more "investment" in the relationship from even before you discovered her TS than she did. Perhaps that's still the case? I'm not sure if that is true that anyone is going to be able to give you a satisfactory answer other than your SO.

It's not unusual at all though for MTFs to have a very low sex-drive prior to surgeries. A lot of us "hate" our genitals and prefer that we not even use them until they are congruent with our knowledge of who we are. That could be a factor with your girlfriend.

Nor is it particularly unusual for us to want to leave our total male-conditioning and the "take charge" parts of that behind us. I think many of us do very well with more "aggressive" lesbians if we are lesbians. And, I think, it comes from trying as much as possible to "cast-off" that male conditioning that most of us simply abhorred for a very long time.

I'm sure others may have more useful comments for you.

BTW, I admire very much your willingness to try to find answers for yourself. I also admire the way you've done so very much to educate yourself about us, and the way you are willing, even eager, to find ways to make the relationship with your SO work out well for you both.

My partner was once a "Catholic girl" as well. Her depth and actually a lot of her "training" led to her being a very compassionate and loving woman. And that, I think, has made her a wonderful lover and friend as well. Her evolution from a 'conservative" to a very open-minded and open-hearted person was helped along, we both believe, by her upbringing, strange as that may sound to many. But, she found that in actually taking to heart much of her desire to be as much as possible like "the Mother of Christ" led her along a path that many Catholics don't follow.

So much so, that she doesn't often attend Mass at all anymore!!  :)  About every two or three years we/she will go to either an RC or an Episcopal or Orthodox Mass because we both appreciate the liturgy and the "pomp and circumstance" and imagery of the Mass. But, on a regular basis we go to a Quaker Meeting-House in our village or to the Unitarian-Universalist congregation down the road.

All the very best and we do so welcome people like yourself here at Susan's. Please join in and become part of the family we have here.

I'll look very forward to reading more of you.


:icon_hug: :icon_hug:

Nichole

Welcome to Susan's, Soleil.  No one person has all of the answers but the collective wisdom and experience found here might be of help to you.  There are many listening ears here.

You write quite well, most detailed and expressively.  I can almost feel your feelings and hers.  If you didn't respect your SO you might not have been so careful as to make sure that the personal pronoun was of the right gender.

I have never been exactly in your position, Soleil, but I have experience in throwing myself into a relationship, body and soul.  I have been married three times and for me it did not work.

This is my opinion:  Any relationship that is to survive must include unspoken mutuality.  Both parties must approach one another on the same level and have the same objective in mind.  One cannot make anyone stay with them.  The best that can be done is to give the other party so much fulfillment that they will not want to consider being with anyone else.  It's nice to discuss who does what in a relationship and "taking turns" and all, but it seldom works.  When it is done without conversing, because that is what the heart says is right to do, it will work much better.

I was born into a family that has been Catholic for about 1,100 years and I never found any conflict between my faith and transsexuality.  The Church might have a differing opinion but that is their problem.  I judge no one.  I leave that to the Higher Power.

Please take your time with this relationship.  It means a lot to you and it may mean a lot to her but she might not be ready and able to show it.  Stay in-touch with her as you see fit but continue to date.  You have some time before you need to make any commitments.

Wing Walker

Hello. :) [I'm an SO, too.]

Maybe you could try not thinking about it as one of you having to be 'the man' in the relationship.. there is no man in the relationship, you're both women.  Women can be assertive.  Women can take charge.  Does she realize this, or does she associate those things with being a man, and thus not want to behave that way?

And.. in my humble opinion.. it sounds a little bit like you're putting a lot of effort into this relationship, and she isn't putting in very much at all.  Now, this could be because being self-absorbed is the only way she can get through this.  Maybe she just isn't ready for the responsibility of making somebody else happy, because she has so much to worry about just with her own self.  If that's the case, you need to ask yourself if you're willing to wait until she is ready, if she ever is.  You do deserve to feel wanted and loved, like you matter to her.  If she is unwilling or unable to make you feel that way.. then you don't have to put up with that.  You can stay friends with her, of course, but anything more than that.. she just might not be able to handle right now, and your needs matter just as much as hers do.

Hi, Soleil. Welcome to Susan's. There are many resources to be found on this board's home page.
IMHO, from what you have described about your friend I believe she is early in her discovering who or what she is, possibly she is at a time of fear, vulnerability and confusion. Confusion that needs to be worked out only by her own willingness to do so. For someone who has just been introduced to the concept of transsexuality or gender identity dysphoria, GID can be a frightening experience. As for her to be appearing to discourage you instead of encouraging you into a relationship, she very likely may prefer not to see you during these troubling times, at least not until she has reached more stable ground in her transitioning. This doesn't mean that you should stop all communications with her, just give her a little breathing room, possibly she is quite confused at this time and may prefer not to talk to anybody.

Cindy

Hello Soleil and welcome to Susan's!

Thanks so much for introducing yourself.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page), chat (https://www.susans.org/chat/index.html), and the links listed at the main page. (https://www.susans.org/index.html)  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay :)

tink :icon_chick:

Thanks very much for the warm welcome, everyone. All of your advice really helped. I just broke it off with her, though I let her know that if and when she's ready, I'm willing to pick it back up again. She hasn't responded yet, so we'll see how it goes.